Have You Ever Spied on Someone to See if They’re Still Using the Site When You Think You’re Starting to Get Serious?


Have you ever spied on someone to see if they’re still using the site when you think you’re starting to get serious?

How did you feel when you saw that they were “active within 24 hours”?

Did you confront/question your partner about their recent activity on the site or remain silent?

Did you feel you SHOULD continue to date other people because they were still active?

Find out my thoughts on the ability to “check up on” on your partner by clicking here:

If you’re serious about finding love and want to learn my insights into the tricky world of online dating, check out my CD set Finding the One Online to change your life forever!


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  1. 61

    One thing. As a test, I created a second profile, and then checked my own, first, profile. Because my first profile was linked to my email and phone, it showed that I had been active within 24 hours, even though I had not actually been on the dating site for two weeks – just online.

  2. 63

    Just went thru this with I guy i met online. We hit it off and verrry early on both agreed to be exclusive and take down our profiles. We are both conservative so we align maintaining and being active on dating sites when you are involved with one person as cheating.   We were really into each other and it was wonderful. online dating was a outer boundary for both of us. so we took our time and dated for a while, and after a bit we got intimate, once that happened things changed. You get your girl, you should be texting and calling, oh baby this, oh baby i miss you. not this guy, he lost all communication and txting skills. he would go dark for a day or two after xoxo.   Figured he sucked at communication, but   I was really falling for him.   Lately I had a feeling something was going on. so about another month of this crap.   I   googled him, its a small town, and walaa google shows him on match.com,   with a new account, and it was active within the hour after i left his house and bed. While I   didnt confront him, I continued to text and act like everything was normal, meanwhile he just kept on trolling the internet,   not responding for 2 and 3 days. Sent him sweet and juicy txts,   still nothing, so i ended it.   Broken hearted but wiser.     I did tip my hand and told someone close to him, why i had ended it, because he was cheat trolling online after we both agreed we wouldn’t do that, and didn’t have the decency to respond to my text or be honest and tell me he wanted to move on.   

  3. 64

    In all honesty, I think it’s normal to want to spy on the person you’re dating when you’re really into them and trying to figure out if they’re really into you.  

    Personally, I’ve done it before; not gonna lie.   That said, I wouldn’t do it again, and here’s why:   I found that checking like that actually made me more paranoid than anything.   I think you have to consider your personality, and if you’re one to let your imagination wander, constantly checking up isn’t a good idea.   For one, you’re going to drive yourself crazy. For another, seeing what they are or aren’t doing online isn’t necessarily an indicator of what’s going on.

    At this point in my life, I try to trust my gut.   If I truly have the gut feeling that the guy isn’t trustworthy, and there are examples to back that up (not just my paranoia), I’ll just break it off. It’s not worth trying to be with someone you feel like you can’t trust.

    However, if I look at the situation or things that have happened, and I can honestly say to myself “this guy has really given you no justifiable reason to think he’s lying to you; calm down!” and I just can’t, then personally I would probably try to take a step back.   If he asked why, I’d just tell him “I’m having some trust issues; it’s not you, it’s me.   But I need to pull back abit, because I’m allowing myself to get too attached too quickly.”

    If I feel like there’s a great connection and he seems to as well, I try to trust my instincts and trust him to be the guy he’s telling me he is.   

    At the end of the day, you can’t protect yourself from everything, and if you’re constantly trying, you’re not really allowing yourself to live your life.   Just one girl’s opinion 😉

  4. 65

    All I know is it’s a wild and wooly world out there and I am learning more all the time. Most especially to try to hold off getting in to deep with anyone online too soon. As most people have said UNLESS you’ve had a conversation about exclusivity, you can ASSUME that one or both of you is still looking around, probably  is still  physically dating, or at the very least has left his or her profile up. That said, I have had two men mention, unprompted by me in any way, that they were taking their profiles down (in both cases after sexual involvement), but didn’t. Maybe they  thought that was expected, but I really didn’t care. I don’t fault them for not taking profiles down, but find it perplexing that they would lie about something so easy to verify?

  5. 66

    T:s conversation that you’re having is exactly what happened to me now I’m devastated i deleted everything but my name was still active with the site and found out she was spying on my profile   when I reactivated it on my phone which was an empty one don’t even know if I want to go back on the dating site again I don’t want to be heartbroken when I opened up my doors a relationship is what I wanted   the cat putting my foot in my mouth because she was silent and then communicate with me or ask questions I spent the whole summer alone 🙁

  6. 67

    It is so hard to date online. Ordinarily, if you were dating someone that was not online, you would never know what they are up to. When one goes in to casually check their mail, and see the guy online that they have been dating, it is a weird situation.

    I do find myself having to spy. And, honestly If Ii see someone that I am dating online all hours of the day, and it is consistent , it is a real turn off. I had recently been in that situation. Really, I could of cared less about who was emailing me. I liked the one guy I was dating for a short time. I did not want to tell him I logged in to see if he was online. So, of coarse when I bring it up he said , how could I get upset when I was online too. Well, I knew the reason I was online. I did not believe he was content. I think when It comes to men, they are always looking for something better. I woman would be content . I know not every man. But most. Needless to say the guy I was dating did some sketchy things after that. And, I did not trust him and He knew it. So, needless to say we are done.

    I think   everyone is different. But, although I consider myself a rather confident woman and don’t have a problem dating , this online thing can be really hard at times.

    I think I may just be sensitive and over think it. I just hate seeing that person u like online. But, thats the name of the game…

  7. 68

    I’m guilty of this. I recently started talking to this girl from a site. She seems pretty interested and we went out and things went great. There was just something in the back of my mind though that thought something was up. I saw she was still using the app actively so I created a fake account and went the extra mile to message her. She messaged back and it kinda ruined my feelings for this girl because I actually like her a lot. I understand it’s early into dating but you still can’t feel like you’re not getting cheated in a situation like this. Overall though spying probably made the situation worse than if I just left it alone.

    1. 68.1
      Karmic Equation


      If you liked her that much, why were YOU still on the app? Why didn’t you make it clear that you really liked her and would like to be exclusive?

      If you didn’t like her enough to make that offer of exclusivity, her behavior is not yours to question or judge.

    2. 68.2

      Omg i just read your post now and my comment is similar.   My boyfriend was still up on profile. So i made a fake profile and fake photo. Messaged him and no doubt in two days he gave her his number. My heart sank. I cant talk to him now or even communicate i have lost all respect for him now. Im not going to confront him no point probably give me some lane excuse.

  8. 69

    Anyone who remains active on a dating site after “the talk” and agreement about deletion of profiles is likely a narcissist. Narcissists don’t comply even after being very clear on the current status of the relationship.

    Only desparate, douchebag narcs do this kind of thing. If you’re on the receiving end walk away. Or prepare for a lifetime of pain and misery.

  9. 70

    I did check back on the site we met on, but only once things starting going downhill/had suspicion I was being lied to. For the first two months of dating I actually completely trusted him and did not spy once. I had my profile still up too but hadn’t logged on in weeks because I liked this guy enough to not be interested in talking to anyone else at the time. For the first few months I had no reason to check on the site since things seemed to be progressing towards a relationship; he met my family, I met his friends, he showed me his workplace/I had been to his house on several occasions, and he always spoke of a future and how well the relationship was going. He asked me to be his girlfriend.

    Then things got strange around the third month. Texts, calls, and the frequency of seeing each other dropped off pretty significantly. I’m not one into playing games, so came out and pretty much said that I noticed things were much different and that if he was no longer interested in seeing me to please let me know. Of course he reassured he had just been “busy.” Fast forward to two weeks later with him telling me mind you after starting to bring each other into our lives and me developing feelings for him, him telling me he is just not ready for a relationship right now and needs a few days “to think.” I was lying to myself but deep down, I guess call it intuition I knew he was full of it. Even a few weeks earlier he had lied in front of me and his friends about how he was coming to my town to see me again later that weekend when I knew he wasn’t. Big red flag there, once a liar always a liar.   Anyway, this time spent “thinking” about our relationship has turned into 2 months no contact so far and yep, you guessed it, back on the dating site we met on. Can’t say now that I am surprised looking back; the guy was and still is the biggest narcissist (ex. would always have me work around his schedule and had to be in control of what we would do on dates, as strange as always having to leave a restaurant as soon as he payed the bill). I guess I now consider this a bullet dodged. I would never want to be with a guy who one day is meeting my parents and then logging back on a dating site the next day. There is just something wrong with that. One day he will learn the grass isn’t always greener, but unfortunately the nice girls like myself and I’m sure plenty of others he played this game with will be long gone and much happier without him.

    So I failed epically with my first online dating experience but because of it I learned a lot. Date several people at a time. If there is no discussion of exclusivity or if you encounter a bizarre situation   like I did (basically being asked to be this guy’s girlfriend and him later changing his mind) then assume there’s someone else in the picture they may be dating, don’t be too quick to trust and/or give your emotions and heart away to someone who hasn’t yet earned it, and I think don’t go into this type of dating with too high of expectations. Go into it looking to have fun and meeting new people and if someone comes along you really click with then that’s great! And never blame yourself or feel bad about yourself if you see someone you have been dating or really like frequenting the dating site. Think about it….is this someone you would really want to be with in the long run? It’s their loss if they can’t see how wonderful of a person you are!

  10. 71

    You just have to give them some time

  11. 72

    I’m a woman and have had male friends who told me they take down their profiles or cease using online dating sites when they think they’ve found “the one” so, no, I’m not falling for the oh-he’s-just-checking-emails-or-needs-the-attention-or-some-other-innocent-excuse b.s. and I truly feel for the woman who does. A man who is confident that he loves you and isn’t looking for the next best thing will NOT still have an active profile on a dating site. I have stopped dating men who have led me to believe that we are serious and want to spend all of my time on dates and talking (not texting) on the phone daily, yet still peruse online dating sites. I won’t even have a conversation about it, it’s time to move on. As said before, actions speak louder, so what else needs to be discussed? Trust yourself and trust the facts. I understand that the truth is hard to swallow, but the truth will set you free, FREE to find the one who really wants and values you enough to do what needs to be done to keep you in their life. I have no regrets and my dating life is still active. What is meant to be, will be, one day.

  12. 73
    Dawn Lee

    I just went through the same situation and I’m 51 and he’s 62.   We met online and had tons of chemistry and lots in common.   Very quickly he said he wanted to be exclusive and told me he loved me.   Things were good and I was very happy even though it happened much faster that I’m usually comfortable with.   Then I went online one evening to cancel my online dating account b/c I didn’t want to get charged again.   And of course, his profile popped up as “online now.”   I asked him about it and his responses were ridiculous…..first he denied it, then he said “maybe I was online cancelling my account also.”       All total BS!   He’s a liar.   Then he called me juvenile and some other things.   After that he refused to take my calls and ignored any texts I sent him.   Way to deflect.   Bottom line, if he’s still “active within 24 hours” and you are “exclusive” then CUT HIM LOOSE!   It doesn’t matter if they are 22 or 62….lying is lying and we all deserve better than that!

  13. 74

    I’ve been dating a guy for two months now.   We officially met a year ago and were just friends.

    He told me he doesn’t like the title “Boyfriend” but really acts like one.   Also told me he doesn’t have sex with more than one woman at a time.   So, when I see him on the dating site every day, it still bugs me.   I would have to agree with the woman here who said,     Its not wrong to look and see what they’re doing.   Even though he treats me good and acts like a boyfriend, he is still out there looking.   I guess until he finds someone he likes better than me, I will be “Ms. Right Now”   So, with that knowledge, I know to continue looking also and try not to be too broken hearted when he dumps me.     Makes sense, eh?

  14. 75

    I was with a guy it got serious i mean if your both sleeping together isnt it?   Anyways i was divorced because my ex was womaniser so was very aware what men are about. This new man in my life was very loving caring towards me in the begining but later got busy.   Anyways out of curiosity and not wanting to get hurt again i set up a fake profile with fake photo. I messaged him and within two days he handed his number to her. I was shocked. I dont have second photo of her or another phone number or i would have gone as far as if he would meet her up. But all in all i was right his just another player. Ladies spy on them and test them out otherwise you cry later. He was keeping his options open. But i decided i dont want to take that risk.

  15. 76
    Dawn Lee

    I also wanted to add that there is a lot of talk about “scaring a guy off” if you ask him about his online status after commitment and I think that is ridiculous.   Any truly committed man first of all shouldn’t be “active within 24 hours” and would not be scared off if a woman asks about his status.   If you are in a REAL  relationship, you have every right to ask those questions.   If you have “skin in the game” then absolutely you have to protect yourself!   I was   recently in this situation with a so-called committed man and when I found out he was “online now” then I was the one who got scared!     What about a woman’s feelings of feeling vulnerable and getting hurt?   That should matter as well.     It isn’t all about jeopardizing your own feelings for a man’s!

  16. 77
    Damon A.

    I’m a male I just had this happen to me. I’ve been talking to this girl for a month now, and she told me flat out she wanted yo be exclusive. Next thing you know about 2 months in I decide to look online and sure enough she was still on.

    I confronted her about it, she just said its the app it always says I’m online. I replied oh okay can you just delete it? I could tell right away it was heading toward an arguement as she said oh so you’re not going to trust me down the street, I said its a dating site… Not a street. A week how’s by and I bring it up again, this time she flips monkey **** saying I don’t trust her and I apologized and explained even though she asked me about my past relationships that I’ve been cheated on.

    It’s been three days since that argument she actually did delete the app, but doesn’t seem to want to talk anymore. I gave her space today I actually tried to call and she didn’t even answer, the last thing I said was I’m sorry I care about you and I don’t want to lose you, she just said don’t say that **** I’m serious say that again were over and I didn’t say that I just said have a good day talk later and I deleted her pics her phone number everything. Love in this day and age sucks

    1. 77.1

      Hi Damon,   Your story and mine are almost the exact.   The man I was seeing “exclusively” did the same thing and he reacted the same way as your girlfriend did.   He just shut me out and REFUSED to even speak to me.   He treated me like I committed a crime or something.   It’s been two months and we have never spoken since.   This was a man who said he loved me and was planning a future for us.   I really don’t understand people like this at all.   The only thing I can say is we are probably lucky that things ended before getting in too deep with toxic people like them.   I’m so sorry you went through this because I know how painful it is!   Take care!

  17. 78

    Women are just as un trust worthy.   I have had 2 instances of this crap with them and like how everyone assumes the guy are the only ones who cheat!

  18. 79

    I met someone, and we’ve been communicating for a month… We went on two dates and were planning to go on another.. We’ve been texting and talking mostly everyday.. I Then started to develop some chemistry for this guy, but I wanted to be sure about him before I go any further so I decided to go on the site to see if he was online and to my surprise, he was.. Now after the first dated and communicating with him, he said he was looking for a serious relationship and he wanted to go further with me .. When I saw him on the site I sent him a message saying ” You are not serious about a relationship with me.. I went on to say ” it’s ok.. No problem and good luck with your search..He immediately sent a message via text saying “good morning, what was the msg on Match about.. I never got back to him , because he’s not dumb.. he can read between toe lines .. and if he can’t , then he’s really dumb.

    I am no fool!

    1. 79.1

      Not a fool no. But you are acting foolish.


      He’s not your bf. You creeping in him is stalkerish and makes you appear insecure.

    2. 79.2

      You did the right thing..

      i am going to as well

      why play dumb?

      they no exactly what they are doing

      good for you for checking

      there are so many things that are out there and you are in charge of your life..


  19. 80

    I’m on the dating site.. we see each other all the time and talk everyday

    but he still has his active profile

    i really love him and can’t just walk away and it would hurt if he is still seeing other folks

    he says he’s all mine

    but a picture he took for me is up now and I’m  pissed

    i can’t walk away

    ugh—-I wasn’t going to ever get involved again..

    how dumb can I be.. geez

    i just had to share



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