How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested in Me?

How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn't Interested in Me?

I haven’t found a solution for this. How does a 56 year old man find a good younger woman that would be interested in marriage and willing to have children by him? She would need to be 36 to 38. Most good sites line me up with the 50 year olds and most 36 year olds tend to think I’m a dirty old man.  I know that such a person exists but can’t find a good avenue to find her. I am fairly well to do and well educated.


Thank you, Dale, for acknowledging a few very common truths from the world of online dating.

You’re a successful older man who wants to date a woman significantly younger than him.

Websites generally attempt to pair singles with matches who are demographically similar.

Most 36-year-old women think you’re a dirty old man.

Now you’re going to get the same song and dance as every other guy who has written to complain about women on the Internet. I’m going to put you in HER shoes.

So let’s say you’re a 36-year-old woman, entering the prime of your life. You’re done with the bar scene and you’re very much interested in settling down to have a family of your own. How do you set your search criteria? Well, if you’re born in 1971, you’re part of Generation X. You went to high school in the 80’s. Your friends are buying their first houses and having their first kids. You probably want something that looks similar. So you search for men 35-45. Yeah, 45 is a little old, you say, but you want to be open-minded. Maybe he’ll still be vigorous enough to keep up with your active lifestyle.

And then you, the 36-year-old woman, post your profile, and what happens? You get BOMBARDED by emails from fifty and sixty something Baby Boomers looking to trade up in the world. You double check your profile to see if there’s something you wrote that’s attracting these older men. You remove that reference to Steely Dan. You cut how you want to travel in style. Yet these men keep on writing – talking about how they’re young for their age, how they’d love to have children, how they have everything in life except a good younger woman.

If you’re 36, you’re pretty darned confused by these emails. By the time you have your first child, you’ll be 38 or 39. Which will make him, what? 58 or 59? By the time the kid is in high school, Dad will be 74! That’s not the kind of life you imagined for yourself or your children. So you politely decline. Or, to keep things simple, you ignore. And ignore. And ignore. It doesn’t stop older men from writing, but at least you don’t have to explain yourself to a man who doesn’t want to hear your perfectly valid explanation.

Understand, Dale, there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire online has choices. Lots and lots of choices.

She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50. Are you getting the idea? This does not mean that you’re not a great guy with a ton to give and the purest intentions. It’s that you’re failing to recognize what most younger women want. A peer. A partner. Not a father figure. You’re still wrapped up in what YOU want.

Needless to say, this goes for ALL people who are dating online. … We want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. We’re all so dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people who are a much better fit. Who are you going to have more in common with? The woman who graduated high school in the same year as you? Or the woman who could be your daughter?

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to,” say all of my clients – both male and female. And hey, I don’t blame them. I do know, however, that as long as they close their minds to dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle with online dating.

I know you were looking for advice, Dale, so I don’t want to leave you without it. As I see it, you have three options. One, sign up with one of those successful men/younger women sites. At least you know that a woman on MillionaireMatch might be more willing to sacrifice youth for security.

Next, since you can’t convince someone to date an older man, stop trying. To find out who IS interested, try’s Reverse Match. Instead of searching through hundreds of thirtysomething women who wouldn’t give you a second look, Reverse Match shows you who IS open to dating a 56-year-old man. There’ll be fewer numbers, but at least you won’t be wasting your time.

Finally, I implore you to give older women a shot. There are a lot of amazing ones out there and they are criminally underappreciated.

Let’s just hope that they don’t discriminate against men their own age.


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  1. 181

    There are some good points from both sides on this subject.

    I am a 55 year old man and my experience in dating younger women has been pretty positive for me. Online and otherwise. When I was 39 I met, dated, and became engaged to a “girl” who was 25 at the time. We had a child together as well. It last about 5 years. I was the one that broke off the engagement. It had nothing to do with our age difference.

    The last woman I dated I met when I was 52. She was 37. I wasn’t looking for someone that young. We met, there was chemistry, and it turned into a 3 year relationship. Our age difference never even came up the first 3 weeks. When it did she said she thought I was in my mid-40’s. I never lied or hid anything.

    Now at 55 I’m on the market again. How am I approaching it? Let’s start with the online dating. I have a general age group that I’m searching in which is 40 to 50 year old range.

    For the most part it has been mid-40’s range of women who has showed interest. I had to be the aggressor for the women I found attractive. They did not come to me.

    The ones that have contacted me first I was not interested in. I’m sure most men have this same experience. I honestly am new to the online dating scene (4 months now). I never really did much the first 3 months online. I just started to give it effort recently. I have met a few that I was not interested in (they were though). Currently I am in the early stages of dating a woman who is 49 and have another one talking to me that is 45. Both have children. I actually like the 49 year old. She is still very attractive and I like her personality as well. The 45 year old has been a little stand-offish but she is now talking to me over the phone.

    I’m not seeking to just get laid, I haven’t slept with anyone to this point, and I haven’t tried to either. I will say that if I didn’t list my age on my profile I would have younger women talking to me. I know from experience when I’m out that they would because they flirt with me, and as I said, have dated women 15 years younger than me.

    However, 15 years is my limit. I wouldn’t want to date a woman any younger than that unless it was just for a good time. I do look younger than I am and it’s for a couple of reasons. One is a God given blessing. I have always looked younger than I am. The second reason is because I take care of myself. I eat right and workout. I figure if I want a woman who is younger and/or takes care of herself I need to do the same.

    My advice for men like Dale is if you want a younger lady you best do everything you can to make yourself marketable to them. In most cases it’s not just about financial security. There needs to be an emotional and physical attraction.

    You also need to be realistic because I think you’re chances of finding a woman in her early to mid-30’s for a serious relationship with you in your mid-50s may be possible, it is highly unlikely.

    Good luck and happiness to all!

  2. 182

    Apparently women are not the only ones who suddenly have a biological clock urge to leave a part of themselves in the world, if your case study is anything to go by. My experience of dating sites as a 50 yr old female has been humiliating at worst and very sad at best. I can’t have more children and am content with that but still want a relationship with someone around my own age…. I got sent profiles of men my father’s age wearing the same wardrobe or of singlet clad Aussie icons holding up a variety of dead animals for my inspection.
    The real ones that were willing to chat were the lonely fishermen who didn’t want me as a companion just as a a cook and certainly didn’t want to go to movies with me or do anything I might enjoy….I HATE fishing and I HATE talking about it.
    As an intelligent, self sufficient woman who has always worked and never played the helpless game, lying about who I am to get a date just isn’t who I am meant my experience across a number of dating sites was more lonely than just accepting that until i am 75 men won’t be interested in me because they are still chasing that bikini model to breed with.
    When you ask people where to go to meet people they say on line but so far I have met dead air…….. seriously what is the point… is another excuse to turn human relationships into a job recruitment process that is allowing others to make money off human need/desire and actually takes more time than meeting face to face….
    so disillusioned I am with all this industry. Living is the only way to experience life so that is what I do. I’d have liked to have had the joy of sharing that with someone but alas there is no where to go to meet real people in real time who really want to live ………

  3. 183

    I just have to comment– that u need to look/search for age appropriate women/men. Even if u found a woman who was 35 & willing to marry & have children w/ u a man of 56, as she matures even more she’ll realize that u two have less in common, interests, energy level to devote to raising young children & general goals in common that age appropriate spouses share. If u really must start a family (if u dont already have one that u have moved on from anyway), u can always seek an age appropriate woman in the same situation & consider adoption to start a family (should u find someone like yourself that truly desires that). A young woman of 35 does not want to mature to 40 & now u are 61 w/ inevitable aging & decline of health on the horizon that she will be saddled w/. Try & understand & look more carefully at women your own age– u will find it far more rewarding/enriching & the chance for a deeper relationship not just based on the beauty of youth!

  4. 184

    ……”for a deeper relationship not just based on the beauty of youth,”….if a man wants to not base it on the beauty of youth, he can marry an older woman, one that has had time to gather material things/wealth…

  5. 185

    I’m a 49 year old man and I have a 31 year old lady interested in me so in this article it would seem that I should not date this person, have a family with this person……so how young it to young……my ex=wife is 7 years younger than me, so I think that 10-18 years difference is ok….the age your talking about is a little to young

  6. 186

    I am surprised for the amount of judgement in many of the comments here, and sounds like most of it might be coming from personal expereince and frustration in life.  When I refer to judgement, I mean one way or the other…. what a relationship should or should not be, what age would be appropriate or not apropriate, younger… older… you name it.  Sounds to me like we, humans, seem to connect and establish meaningful relationships in many different and unique way, and looking of the “formula” or the tool that will make that happen for you might be an ilusion (sorry online dating services, with your promises and formulas. Bottom line, you are only after the money). 

    Age, age difference, as well as so many other factors, are irrelevant when you are looking for a true relationship.

    If anything Dale, I think that nobody is to tell you how or what you need to do to be happy. That is your own challenge and you are the only one that can work it out.  I woudl say, try not to fall in the trap of onlined dating, letting a “system” define your universe and what should or should not be acceptable, correct or wrong.  Bottom line, these system are there to make money, and like any business, they conduct market research, define trends, do customer satisfaction surevys… and program algorithms to tell you who is the right person for you and what will make you happy. Of cours, add a bit of “politically correctnesss” and take some some base customer complains into accout and protect them so they do not get offended, and you have the perfect sales tools. You are a monority in this system they do not target your demand, hence they will make you feel like you are wrong.  You see? is all about keeping the media customer happy!  Dont’ you dare thing that a yournger women and you can be happy!!! Not good business… many younger women will be upset and might leave the site.. so on and so forth. At the same time, why are you set on limiting your happiness to your partner’s age?

    In summary, do not let a coprotation define your reality, nor let other people vent their frustration or share their own success stories as a way to tell you what your happiness should look like.  Only you can do that. You might be looking for happiness in the wrong place.  Now, that beeing said… the same warning about the illusion that a “dating service” will deliver the women of your dreams, goes for the illusion that a set number of conditions such a specific age (in your case a youg one apparently) will make you happy.

    Good luck!! 

  7. 187
    Johnson and Johnson

    Women like to talk about “connection”and”confidence” but really they want tall, assertive, and rich to guide them through life.  Tall to show off in front of other women, assertive so they don’t have to be bothered with anything (it’s all planned out for them, like dogs), and rich so they can do whatever whenever.
    Guess what ladies? Guys like that get fit 20-somethings with a natural racks (yes they know your implants are there to balance out your expanding thighs) who understands she’ll be replaced in ten years. They don’t need a “connection”. They have a great lives with or without women. Most women are so interchangeable (and predictable) that there’s no reason to commit when one can have a petite redhead on Friday, DDs on Saturday, and a Spanish girl by Wednesday.
    Dale, get off the computer. Get a haircut, groom yourself. Get an outdoor hobby and slim down a bit. Dress really nice (expensive shoes, maintained), hit a lounge and act like you don’t care who’s in the room with you, but make the bartender love you. Girls will roll up next to you for drinks, don’t look at them until you feel them look at you. Casually say, “how’s it going?” If she responds, make her talk about herself. If she doesn’t ask the bartender for your next drink. Wait for the next bar girl. DO NO BUY WOMEN DRINKS. EVER. Women hate not getting attention and will kill themselves to get some. Make them work for every minute. In time you’ll score one night stands with a woman of your choice probably every other week. Meanwhile, enjoy your new hobbies, where you’ll be more likely to meet a woman of quality (I.E. doesn’t need a man, but would like a life companion). When you find her, grow together. By then you’ll be too old to get it up anyway.

    1. 187.1

      I had a friend exactly like what you describe. He had a good business going so he had the money. He was very good looking..somewhat exotic I guess being half Mexican and half White. he had the house, the boat, the car, the clothes…he had it all. The kind of guy that made women melt. The kind that made women give him goo-goo eyes even when their boyfriend or husband was standing right there. You know, you seen women really perk up…their smiles get huge, their eyes light up, and they become very animated and giddy when talking to him.

      Well, we would take bets every time he had a new girl. They never lasted beyond a month. Most lasted about 2 weeks. San Diego is ripe for finding girls. He didn’t care if they were younger or older, or even if they had a boyfriend. It was funny every time he invited us over and some new girl was there. Every last one of them acted the same. They thought they were going to end up being the new woman of house…permanently. They would invite you in as if inviting you into their own home…and they would go out of their way to play hostess, etc… OK, I should add that this was one half of the girls…or maybe more than half. The other side were the women who acted as if you were intruding into their home…much like a wife might act when she doesn’t like hubby’s friends. So actually there were two groups that acted identically within their group. but what they all had in common was that they thought they had found their guy…the one., and we all knew she was going to be gone by the next party. No fewer than two parties a month.

      Of course, he was never ever honest with these women. Do you really think the women would hang around and treat him the way he wanted treated if he said, “Oh, by the way, don’t bring too much stuff over because you won’t be staying for more than about two weeks.” Heck, sometimes he would even introduce them as his new girl.

      I had an argument with my best friends wife. She complained during the Super Bowl that Bruno Mars was said t be a womanizer. I told her that it wasn’t really a big deal since the woman were to blame. She looked at me in shock and demanded to know how women were to blame. I said…not one of those women are a victim. They should know the score. The fact is, women will fall on their back with their legs in the air for somebody like Bruno Mars…he’s rich and famous. They aren’t going to act that way for you or me. They are the ones who compromise there principles just because he is rich and famous. If they treated him like every other guy they dated, they wouldn’t get womanized.

      Same for that friend of mine in San Diego. Women had nobody to blame but themselves if they felt used. They completely gave up the milk for free because they hoped this guy would think they are so special that he would want her forever. Doesn’t work that way. A guy like that has zero incentive to settle down. 200 years ago might have been a different story, but in this day and age, people think they can rewrite the rules on what works and what doesn’t. Simple fact is, that guy wasn’t going to settle down so long as women were throwing themselves at him. Oh, and I am sure that not one of those women felt like they threw themselves at him. if they did some self analysis, they would have to admit that they make themselves for more available much faster for him than they would most other guys.

      1. 187.1.1

        …. most of the men I know, that have attracted golddiggers, have been caught/stayed with one eventually…..

    2. 187.2

      Johnson and Johnson,

      ..”make the bartender love you?”…..what, throw money at her?…..tell us more… 

  8. 188

    I had a professor who said women’s job in society is to make men behave. By that he meant that in the past, if men were unsavory types, womanizers, etc… they were rejected by the creme of the crop. These days, women aren’t fulfilling that role. Giving it away for free and then wonder why nobody wants to buy it.

    1. 188.1

      ..women are giving it away for free?…you lucky dog…..

      1. 188.1.1

        HAHAHA Well relatively speaking. They certainly aren’t requiring marriage. Makes it easy for the guys.

        1. hunter

          ….”they certainly aren’t requiring,” …no they are not, I agree with you some guys have it easy….

        2. RustyLH

          I think if women returned to a more traditional role of gate keeper of sex, and required marriage before having sex, a lot of problems we see today would totally disappear. Maybe I am being too idealistic, but I don’t think I am wrong that they way things are now simply aren’t working for most people.

          Here’s just one example. All of the young men that are far too willing to jump into short term relationships with older women, but know keep in their hearts that it will never ever lead to marriage. What ends up happening is that these Cougars then end up with far more notches in her bedpost than she wanted. She hoped to find one young sexy guy whose got it together, and marry him. They of course just want the easy sex, and sometimes her money. When she finally makes her stand, and demands something permanent, even the holdouts finally hit the road. So her life is filled with everything from one and done relationships to a few years including cohabitation. One day she wakes up and realizes her “value has severely declined, and the young guys aren’t as easy to come by and the best guys her age and older are all taken, or not interested. Now…if she had made guys prove they were truly serious..required marriage, before hopping into bed, this would not have happened. She would not have wasted the best years of her life on men who were not really interested in her. See, that’s the thing….a man who won’t marry you but will sleep with you isn’t really interested in you. You are like a XBOX game. Fun for now until something newer and better comes along.

          This of course also sets up a “feast or famine” situation where the hot guys are having loads of meaningless sex, while many good, but less hot guys are having trouble finding a woman that will give him the time of day. I think this is what you alluded to in your last post.

          Can we agree that for most of us…an affair, or short term but passionate relationship is like candy, or dessert. Super awesome while you are enjoying it, but they leave you feeling unsatisfied in the long run. What we really need is the meat and potatoes (or maybe a salad instead of the potato…LOL) A long term relationship with the right person may not be able to match the excitement of a string of short term relationships but there are things that it provides that the short term relationships do not. First among them is a sense…a feeling of stability and safety. Probably an illusion in this day of drive-thru “keep the lawyers busy and rich,” divorces.

    2. 188.2

      Women’s job is to make men behave? Control yourself, the only momma you have is your momma.

  9. 189

    I just wanted to make a statement about marrying foreign women. First, I keep seeing women use stereotypes. I don’t know if you actually believe those stereotypes, or if you just cling to them to comfort yourselves. So let me shed some facts.

    1. These foreign women tend to be educated.
    2. Not all of them are from 3rd word countries.
    3. Many of them sacrifice a lot to come to this country, such as careers in medicine, law, business, etc… If they speak fluent English, their transition into those career fields here is smoother. If the don’t, they know they will have to learn the language to do so. For me to move to another country, and find a job, I have to learn the language, and that scares me, which is why I haven’t taken up offers to move to Brazil.
    4. Most do not marry to get a green card. The divorce rate for foreign brides is 20% as opposed to American brides at near 60%.
    5. Contrary to popular belief, these women do not tend to be subservient. But they do tend to be more feminine…in better shape…look younger…are more affectionate…don’t withhold love, sex or affection to manipulate a man…and have more respect for men, without him having to be perfect.

    I haven’t really found a downside yet. So when you women throw your little comments out there…misinformed comments, they really don’t carry the power you think they do.

    I would simply say, instead of being mad…just do the same thing. If you are so disgusted with American men, like many of us are with American women…then look to other countries. You might find what you are looking for…or you might find that American men aren’t really so bad.

    1. 189.1

      Rusty – You badger and berate women for making stereotypes, and yet you come to this board whose target group is American women 30 + and do NOTHING but make stereotypes about us.  (Even Evan has told you this a couple times)   Do these stereotypes comfort you ?  Is it easier to tell yourself that every single woman in this country is just to messed up to appreciate a man as perfect as yourself ?
      You said 5. Contrary to popular belief, these women do not tend to be subservient. But they do tend to be more feminine…in better shape…look younger…are more affectionate…don’t withhold love, sex or affection to manipulate a man…and have more respect for men, without him having to be perfect.
      Perhaps if you would stop expecting us women to be perfect you might fare better.  I have read many of your anti-American women tirades and I get the impression that you want to be accepted for exactly who you are (as it should be) but you can’t even accept a woman’s TV habits.
      Yes, you went on a rant about how you like to play video games and women should shut up about it.  (Actually, hopefully a woman wouldn’t be bothered by that and feel the need to shut up about it, unless it was a 24/7 thing)  Then you proceeded to stereotype all American women as wanting to watch soap operas (no Rusty, not all of us).  So what if you don’t like what a woman watches on TV ?  If you are playing you vid games, and she is watching her TV, what the heck is wrong with that ?  Why does she have to accept your video games (she should) but you can monitor her TV watching habits ?  Do you really think a woman wants her man dictating what she can watch on TV ?  Or criticizing her for it ?  Or secretly despising her for her TV past times ?  Why do you get to be the TV police in a relationship ?
      You also complain that women won’t let a man get off in her mouth, and that women require to much foreplay, that they are like slow cookers.  That strikes me as you being a very selfish lover.  Like you expect to be treated like King Penis, and she has to settle for wham, bam, thank you mam.  As if five minutes of foreplay prior to the priveledge of swallowing your little swimmers should be the highlight of her life.

      1. 189.1.1

        I think a man wanting to play video games that’s pretty much all one needs to hear to be the kiss of death

  10. 190

    Been thinking about this topic. We can’t control what others do, or who they will choose, or what they will accept. We can only control what we do, or who we will choose, or what we will accept. So if we aren’t having much luck, we are the ones to have to change. We can’t make others change and the likelihood of finding somebody who will change to fit what we want are nil.

    OK, thinking in military terms, you want to stay out of the target zone. You want to make it as hard to be hit as possible. You want to stay out of the line of fire of the opposition. In this case, it is just the opposite. You want to find out where the opposition is targeting and place yourself in that area. If I had time I could consult surveys and browse many online profiles, but I don’t have time so I will go by what I have seen in the recent past when looking for this info.

    OK,regardless of what people put on their age range preference, that is not set in stone for the majority of people. I’ve talked with many people on Christian Mingle, POF, and Match, as well as some sites from other countries. I will ignore the sites from other countries. I’m also looking more at men and women in their 30s through 50s

    OK, for most men, their target area is actually not 25 years younger than they are. It is a few years younger to several years younger, so lets go with same age to 7 years younger. He will feel most comfortable with a woman in this range. It feels natural. That’s the hot spot.

    Now, just outside of that is a very warm area. 12 to 8 years younger and 1 to 3 years older with a preference towards the younger side of the hotspot. With these two groups he has different feelings and different misgivings. With the younger group, he may feel a bit like he hit the lottery, but his misgivings are that he wonders why she wants him, and will she stick with him. With the older group, he may not notice the age difference if she is significantly better looking than what he is used to. In that case he may not look at her any different than the women 1 to 3 years younger. In the back of his mind however, he may feel he is settling as men do have a mindset that women’s beauty has a shelf life. So if he is casually dating two women, and one is 3 years older, and one is 7 years younger I assure you that in most cases, he is looking for the younger one to shows signs of being worth committing to. She’s his preference.

    Outside of that is an area that they won’t usually consider as an option but if the right person comes along he may pursue it. In this, it is really going to depend on the individual guy and how realistic he is and how far he is willing to go. Some will go all the way down to 18. I myself would not. I am presently talking to a 27 year old from Brazil who was referred to me by a Brazilian woman at my church. Adventist are a small religion compared to Baptists, Catholics, etc… so while I am uneasy about her age, I am willing to continue to get to know her since she was emphatic that my age was not a problem. No way I could go as low as 18. IMHO that’s just dumb. I think may hard deck would be mid twenties with a heavy emphasis on the girl being mature…not flaky. At 18, the girl doesn’t even know who she is yet. 18 to mid twenties should only be considered for companionship while the search continues, and only if she feels the same way. In other words, neither of you have anyone serious, so why eat alone and go to the movies alone. But no way should an older man, even in his early 30s, see a girl that young as a LTR option. The odds are stacked so far against you it is ridiculous.

    For most women, their hot spot seems to be roughly 5 years younger to 5 years older. Remember this is a generalization. There will be differences on an individual basis.

    Outside of that you can expand it out about 5 years over and 7 years younger.

    The next layer is more complicated. You have some women who are realistic about younger men and so won’t go too much younger. They know they are already playing way against the odds at 12 years younger. So for them younger is not really an option. These women are looking more for maturity, stability, and a man that will cherish her in a LTR. So for them, going older is more appealing than going younger.

    On the flip side are women who bristle at the thought of having to “settle” for a much older man. It’s going to take one heck of an impressive man, most likely meeting her through traditional means, to get her to step in that direction. She will however ignore any rational advice as to the motivations of people, even dating coaches, and carry on with a man 13 to 25 years younger. IMHO this is the same thing as a man who is 40 to 55 thinking that a 18-24 year old is a viable option. You are letting the candy go to your head. Most men really don’t want an LTR with a much older woman, but many will gladly enter a short term relationship with one, if he finds her sexually appealing. Men do have the advantage here as you may notice, because while not all women will date a much older man, many will since not all women are making big money and most men don’t care whether she does or not. So a woman working an average job, relatively good looking, 1 to 2 kids, 28 years old…may very well find a man who is 45, in good shape, good job, etc.. to be a decent catch even if not her first preference. If he is a good man and good husband, she will feel happy she chose him.

    Women are at a huge disadvantage here not because of them, but because men are what they are, and I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but no matter how much you want it, men aren’t changing much. they have other options such as overseas, or just being happy being single and going with the fact that women like men will go with short term relationships with people they wouldn’t do a LTR one with. And, then there he unsavory types who have money, but no morals, and so, will resort to other options.

    In both cases, the men and women trying to date the much younger person are playing heavily against the odds, with a slight advantage to the men. More than likely, if you even get a relationship going with somebody, it won’t last.

    So the moral of my story here is that in my opinion, the hot spots overlap at both being the same age to the woman being 5 years younger. Outside of that, the next level has the woman 1 to 3 years older or 6 to 10 years younger.

    In my opinion, if a woman wants to increase her odds for marriage, she will set an age preference on her profile to 3 younger to 12 older. This puts you more in the target area of the men who are looking. Also, you may not know this, but most of you will admit that it is a turn off to see a man in your target range, who has his age range set to a very very young age, like 18, or 22, and you are 40, and he’s something like 45. Well, I’ve talked with a lot of guys and they admit that if they fall into your age range, but on the older side of your age, and you have something like 3 older to 10 younger…it is a turn off in a way that is similar to when you see the guy leaving the option for 18 to 22 year olds.

    Or you can continue to go with what isn’t working. Either way it doesn’t affect me.

    1. 190.1

      ….r’ships, don’t have to be complicated…

      1. 190.1.1

        My point in the post you responded to was just my opinion on what people may want to look at if they aren’t getting any traction on the online sites, or if they are getting into relationships but they keep failing. The person might be trying to push the boundaries too much. Maybe an older guy constantly trying to marry a 25 year old. He wines and dines them only to have them poof on him. So he keeps trying thinking he just needs to find the right one. Well, true but the fact is he’s not likely to find what he is looking for. It’s a needle in a haystack. Women to are better served typically by keeping the age appropriate.

        I am not saying to completely close the door on younger mates, but I wouldn’t make that the focus of my search…not much younger anyway.

    2. 190.2

      You’ve been reading to much of the “manosphere”, it seems. For most men, foreign women are not an option because no one really has the means or the desire to travel all over the world when they have a life to lead at home, work, kids, and other responsibilities. You’ve swallowed way too much of the red pill “logic” if you think that just because some 27 year old Brazilian woman is “talking” to you, that means she (and tons of other younger women) would actually want to date and marry you, a 50 year old guy. The reality is that most women do not want a man who is that much older than themselves. You’re cherry-picking examples because you want to believe that that is not the true reality. Look around you: aside from your own small sample size, when you go out in public, how many George Clooneys do you see with their Amals? How many Hugh Hefners are walking around with a gaggle of 20 year old Playmate girlfriends? How many Jason Stathams or Johnny Depps. with their 27 year old girlfriends do you see? The reality is that most people tend to date and marry within their own age bracket. Just because you’ve had a handful of experiences with younger women does not make it the norm.

      1. 190.2.1

        I noticed that you and a few other ladies seem to have a vested interest in convincing everyone that younger women have no interest in dating or marrying older men. Well, I have no problem dating older men. I prefer a man to be a couple years older, to about 12 years older. 20 years older? Maybe not. Not without him having a whole lot going for him. But about 10 years? That is no problem for me. I know many women with similar attitudes. Not all of us want younger men, and not all of us restrict ourselves to men very close to our age. I understand that you and some of the other women here do not want to date older men, but please stop acting as if you represent all of us. You do not represent me, nor any other woman out there. We each only represent ourselves. But as for dating and marrying older men, a man does not have to be a rock star or movie star, he only has to have good things going for him. This is actually becoming more popular, and for good reason.

        It makes sense. We have all experienced the ugly side of online dating, with the plethora of pervs asking us to send naked pictures, or sending us a picture of their privates, as if that is going to do them any good. Well the fact is, finding a great guy is not that easy, so the fewer restrictions I put on myself, the better for me. While I don’t care to date younger guys, this isn’t really a burden, because most aren’t really interested in a long term relationship, so I choose not to waste time with them. Oh, I’m sure there are a few gems out there, but I don’t intend to waste a lot of years wading through the larger percentage that just want a Mrs. Robinson affair, or their bills paid for them.

        The age group I target is fa more likely to want to settle down with me, long term.

        1. SpanklingEmerald

          Well I outed myself as a “freak of nature” long ago on this blog.  When I was in my 20’s, I just loved “older men”.  Almost every job I ever had, I had some sort of fantasy crush on a man in his early to mid forties, usually an exec (and married).  I fantasized about a May-December romance, or perhaps a May-October romance, since  10-15 years older seemed to be my sweet spot. Even as a young child (and I mean 8 years old), I would get crushes on men in that age group, and have kissing fantasies, since I was too young for any other kind of fantasy.   I had no idea how unusual my desire for an older man was until I fell in love with a 42 year old when I was 29.  I just thought he was the greatest thing ever !  Handsome, sophisticated, sexy, & delicious !   Mmmmmm.  But all my girlfriends my age teased me ruthlessly about it.  Called him “over the hill Bill”.  However, my boss who was about 42 herself and had met him, thought he was a dream boat and really encouraged the relationship, and was sympathetic to me when it didn’t work out  🙁 . 
          One thing that weirded me out was not specifically our age difference, but he married young (shot gun wedding) and his 2 kids were closer to my age than he was. 
          I STILL think the SEXIEST age for men is 40-45.  I just love that refined, mature look, a little touch of gray at the temples.  However, now that even tho’ I still think that 40-45 is a man’s sexual prime, I pass on the men in that age group who wrote to me online, age inappropriate in the other direction (I’m 59).
          Sigh, I wish online dating had been available in my mid 20’s.  I would have gone for a a man in his late 30’s to mid 40’s, with no kids, looking for the mother of his children.  If only I could go back in time . . .

        2. JennLee

          I fell in love with a 42 year old when I was 29. I just thought he was the greatest thing ever ! Handsome, sophisticated, sexy, & delicious ! Mmmmmm. But all my girlfriends my age teased me ruthlessly about it. Called him “over the hill Bill”.

          Yes, I have seen this type of shaming technique. We women don’t reserve that just for men, do we? What a strong women learns is that she does not need the approval of her friends, especially when her friends can’t accept your for who you are, or be happy for you when you make a decision that makes you happy. That kind of strength is what I look for in a man. If a man’s friend’s friends didn’t approve of me, and he caved to that pressure, I would every last bit of respect for him that I had up to the point.

          I would be willing to bet that some of your friends would have considered dating a man like him, but they didn’t have the strength to rock the boat. They needed to feel approved of. I applaud your strength. It is rare.

        3. SparklingEmerald

          Hi JenLee  @ . . .
             I’m not sure if I was so strong, or if I just felt so strongly about “over the Hill Bill”, but yeah, if he had wanted to marry me, I would have, in a heart beat, even if the whole world disapproved.  (In fact, my GF’s giving me a hard time about it, just made me dig in my heels and want to be Mrs Over the Hill Bill even  MORE 🙂
              It was mostly my MARRIED co-workers who piled on about him, but my Mom thought he was a dream boat (I think she wanted him for an SIL) and one of my closest GF’s thought he was a dream boat too, and was happy for us.  So, it wasn’t like ALL of my GF’s ragged on me about him.  But the ones who did were mostly MARRIED.  Hmmmmm, wonder if they were jealous ?  Believe me, he wasn’t some bald, pot bellied, 40 something troll with bad teeth, he was a hot middle age man.  I think they were just jealous.  Ah well, it would have been weird having his kids be closer in age to me, and my Mom being almost as close to his age in the other direction.  And my “love” for him was probably mostly physical attraction and the fact that he took me to really swanky places,  all his friends were really well off, so even the house parties we went to seemed to be like the Ritz as well.   Even if he fullfilled my “May-October” marriage fantasy, eventually the chemistry high would have faded, and we probably would have just ended up as another grumpy old married couple.  Oh well, the one that got away ! But he gave me some really great memories.

  11. 191

    …”Women to are better served typically by keeping the age appropriate,”…..females operate off of their “feelings,”…..

  12. 192
    S P

    Boohoo. You live but once. American culture and age appropriate is complete nonsense. Dirty Old Man: is hate speech as evil as racism. It is a petty imposed prison of the mind. I moved to Philippines where a 50 something man can live a young mans life. With serious looking and time you can find a young woman who is fantastic. Be warned it takes time and serious looking to find that one out of a hundred. The other 99 be careful. My girlfriend (of 3 years) was discovered at age 18. Wonderful, hard working, loyal, funny, fun, moral with family values, but open minded and free spirited. Also no children and no historic relationship burdens endured from a long life. I have enough of these for two. Also she is as beautiful as a movie star. Looks like a Philippine version of adult star Veronica Rodiguez. Good luck.

    1. 192.1

      Yeah  about that: write back if she is still with you in 10 years… 

      What a genuinely horrifying prospect – to be young, healthy and energetic for decades to come while your life partner gets increasingly infirm…


      1. 192.1.1

        You know what’s even more horrifying that that?  Never finding true love.  Never being love and truly cherished.  You know what some younger women have told me the real attraction to older guys is?  The fact that they truly cherish them.  Oh sure, it IS possible to find with somebody your own age, but these women claim to not be finding it with guys their age, and so the go after what they want.  At some point, they make the decision that what they were looking for doesn’t exist where they were looking for it.  They don’t look at it like you do.
        Now imagine this.  Imagine that a guy 15 years older than you is totally smitten with you but you won’t give him the time of day because of his age.  You point out that he is older and you feel that even if not now, at some point he is going to “infirm” and you will still feel young and healthy.  What a horrifying prospect.  So you instead start dating a guy who is only 2 years older.   5 years later, you have a child, and he gets in a horrible accident and is now paralyzed from the neck down.   I know somebody this happened to.  I know many more that at a minimum, the 2nd half happened to.  Life in the military.  One of the guys I worked for got his foot run over by an EA-6B aircraft.  Had his lower leg and foot amputated.  I know several guys left paralyzed.   I know guys missing arms and legs.  I know guys who were killed in car accidents.  I know guys whose planes went down.  (We lost a lot of guys to this on one of my cruises.”  We had 4 planes go down, losing about 14 men total.  We had one guy get folded up in a weapon’s elevator because he and the guy he was working with decided in their boredom to act stupid and risk death racing the elevator door as it closed.  We it got him on his last try and killed him.
        In short, there are no guarantees in life.  But for some women, and a smaller amount of men, falling in love with somebody much older, and enjoying that love, is far better than the truly horrifying prospect of never having a passionate love to experience.
        I’m not expecting you to decide to do that.  I don’t think you should.  Your attitude for it is all wrong.  For you, it would be a horrifying experience.  But you should be less judgmental of those who choose this route.

        1. Erica

          Rusty, in none of your posts here have you advocated such an extreme age difference. I am sorry, but your 15-year example is simply not analogous to a 30-plus year age gap.  That man is probably significantly older than her father. The problems I foresee in such a relationship concern much more than his declining health. 


        2. Julia

          Rusty, sorry its not the only choice. Women do not need to date men 15 years older than them in order to be cherished. I can’t even begin to fathom dating a man who is 48, then having a child with him after he’s 50. Let’s not even mention that the 48 year old man would be 7 years younger than my father. Just stop trying to convince women that its good for us. We are perfectly able to find men within our age. I have never been into younger guys but when I was dating the men I was able to attract were ages 32-40, easy peasy. The man I am with is 7 years older than me, that’s a comfortable age difference but there isn’t some false choice that all women make: be cherished or date your age. I am cherished by a man who is not 15 years older than me.

        3. RustyLH

          Julia, point me to where I said that is the only choice.  I’ll help you out…I didn’t.  I am defending this man because somebody else had to interject their opinion that this is just such a horrible experience for the woman, which is quite insulting to him.  You ladies never stop to think about that it seems.  Great, we get it…most of you women here don’t want to date older women.  Let’s have and agreement…stop trying to convince those of us who do find many women much younger that want to date, that no women want to date older men, and I’ll stop.  Though I am not actually trying to convince anybody of anything.  I simply respond to women trying to convince us all that no woman wants to date older men, or that these women that do are some how seriously damaged.  Having dated plenty of older and younger women, I saw a marked difference in maturity.  The women wanting to date younger men were far less mature in my experience…but that’s just my experience.

        4. Evan Marc Katz

          Most women want peers. Not much younger men. Not much older men. Both cougars and women who want sugar daddies are the exception, not the rule. This blog is for people inside the big bell curve for the most part.

        5. RustyLH

          Erica,  I personally do not want a wife 30 years younger, but for some people, this works out fine and it really isn’t for us to judge them.  I would not want a wife 15 years older, but I don’t judge those who do it.  If that is what they want, more power to them.  I would not tell a woman who had this experience that I would personally be horrified to be 50 with a 65 year old wife.  It’s insulting to them…it’s personal to them.  I can at least understand that.

        6. Evan Marc Katz

          But you’re spending an INORDINATE amount of time on this blog, Rusty, advocating for older men (like you) to prefer younger, foreign women who you deem superior to older American women. This is a blog mainly for women 35-55. Can you see why your lengthy opinion pieces that reflect nothing more than your opinion would continue to grate. You’re very sensitive about women telling you that you’re too old for them and very insensitive when telling them that they’re not good enough for you. You’re a bright guy, but you’ve got a huge honking blind spot about how you come across.

        7. RustyLH

          That may be true Evan, but if I do have a big honking blind spot, it seems I am in good company because I have been responding to women who have gone so far as to constantly claim that it’s absurd for men to think women even 7, 8, 10 or 12 years younger will want them, because, well..we’re all creepy old men if we are more than 5 years older, which is  absurd.
          I agree that most people here are inside the bell curve, bu most are also having trouble finding a good mate, and the only thing I advocate is looking just outside of that bell curve.  I don’t advocate 30 year differences, but I do think women are limiting themselves if they refuse try to keep it at no more than a 3 or 5 year age difference.

        8. Erica

          Well, short reply, Rusty, would be that not every man’s love has value (just like not every woman’s love would mean anything to you). I truly would not care for being cherished by someone 30+ years older. If anything, it would come off as creepy to me.

          That attitude does not translate, however, to ANY age difference at all, as you keep citing. The oldest man I’ve ever been involved with was 12 years older. He was extremely virile, if anything, and perhaps even too active (sorry, but walking to work from Queens to Manhattan just makes no sense to me),  but mentality and pop culture-wise even there the generational gap was immediately apparent. Although I suppose I would consider an age difference like that again under the right circumstances, I am not naturally inclined to.


    2. 192.2

      Ah, it’s post like this that make me proud to be an average, non-descript American. 😂

  13. 193

    Reading this is like reading complete fantasy when the women write and absolute fact when the meme talk. 

    It is simply the case that it is very rare for a young man and older woman to work outside 2-3 years difference

    it is exceptionally common for younger women to partner older men.  

    And whoever wrote that older men are as likely to father disabled babies as older women is talking utter rubbish and has been erasing the daily mail too much.

    This is just life. Older lions have younger lionesses until eventually removed.  

    Men can procreate very successfully until they die. Women stop mid 40’s 
    It’s just nature and although women grind their teeth about it it’s just life


    1. 193.1

      Brandon,  the point is not whether they can, but whether they should. Nature does men a disservice by not providing a cutoff. 


      1. 193.1.1

        Actually, Brandon, research is slowly coming to light that men who father children into their 40s and beyond ARE at more of a risk for having kids with genetic defects. Their little swimmers aren’t as healthy past a certain age, and so their kids are more likely to have things like autism spectrum disorder (which is a trait that comes from the MAN, not the woman). Until now, the popular school of thought has been th

      2. 193.1.2

        “Men can procreate very successfully until they die”.
        NOT true. Research has shown that as a man ages, his little swimmers become fewer in number, and they are more likely to be unhealthy and malformed. Men who father children into their 40s and beyond are at a much higher risk of passing on genetic mutations to their offspring (that is, when they’re actually able to conceive). Autism spectrum disorder is one such huge defect that comes from the male, and it is more common with older fathers. It is fair to point out the fact that older fathers are likely to be paired with older mothers, thus increasing the chance of offspring having defects. I’m just pointing out that decreased fertility and genetically impaired offspring ain’t all the woman’s fault! 🙂

        1. JennLee

          I agree Jenn. Neither men nor women should be having children in their 40s. Women in their 20s have a 1 in 5000+ chance of having a Downs Syndrome baby. When she reaches 40, it is 1 in 19. And if the father is also 40+ the risk goes up.

          I think Evan is right to say that people should be serious about finding a spouse when they are in their 20s. I believe that from 18 to 25, you should be both working on improving yourself through school and mentoring, but you should also be learning what you want in a mate. Then around 22 to 23, you should be very serious about finding that person, and then if you have, ideally you get married around the age of 25. After 2 to 3 honeymoon years, you should be fairly certain that you have good relationship, and if you do, it is time to start having children. Ideally you have 2 to 4 before you are 35. I think women should start a family first, and take online courses, and a few regular college courses a year, then once their children are in school, they should also go to school full time. I don’t think women have done themselves any favors by putting off motherhood into their late 30s or early 40s.

        2. EmeraldDust

          JennLee said ” I think Evan is right to say that people should be serious about finding a spouse when they are in their 20s. I believe that from 18 to 25, you should be both working on improving yourself through school and mentoring, but you should also be learning what you want in a mate. Then around 22 to 23, you should be very serious about finding that person, and then if you have, ideally you get married around the age of 25.”
           Actually, EMK advocates getting married in your 30’s. 
          I actually am more in agreement with your timeline, but from my reading of this blog EMK advocates, having fun dating during college years, getting serious about finding love late 20’s to early 30’s and marriage early to mid 30’s.
          I won’t go into all the reasons why I think a slightly younger time like yours is better, but I can understand EMK’s reasoning behind his timeline also.

           Jenn Lee also said
          I agree Jenn. Neither men nor women should be having children in their 40s. Women in their 20s have a 1 in 5000+ chance of having a Downs Syndrome baby. When she reaches 40, it is 1 in 19. And if the father is also 40+ the risk goes up.

          You do realize that our dear blog host has 2 healthy adorable children birthed by his lovely wife when she was in her 40’s, right ?
          Also, when I was pregnant, the stat that was given for women at 40 was 1 in 100 not 1 in 19.  That stat is still the stat from the Mayo Clinic

  14. 194

    Maybe I’m looking at it all wrong but let ’em chase who they want.  I don’t want someone to pursue me just because he thinks he can’t get what he really wants.  If I think someone is settling for me, I’m not sure it’s useful to go forward.  I can’t control what someone else’s preferences are so I don’t get bent out of shape about it.  Less weeding that way.

    1. 194.1

      The thing is, it seems, based on most stuff I’ve read, that men have to accept that he is always who she settled for.

      The way I understand it is like two fishermen with different approaches to fishing.

      The man fisherman bates several hooks and casts them out into the water. he has one bated for Walleye, his favorite, one for Bass, and one for Perch. If Bass is the one to bite, he just reels it in and is happy with what he caught. So he doesn’t think of it as failing to catch a Walleye, he thinks of it as having been successful at catching the Bass.

      The woman fisherman starts out bating the hook for Walleye, and casts it out. Eventually she accepts that she failed to catch a Walleye, reels back in and baits the hook for Bass. She catches one, but still remembers the Walleye that kept nibbling at the hook but didn’t bite. So she sees it as having to settle for the Bass since she failed to catch the Walleye.

      In other words, men seem to accept that women have a choice in the matter also, and so they just cast a wide net, and see what they catch, and then are happy with that. For the most part. I think it’s just a mental perspective. How the two sexes differ in how they approach it.

      1. 194.1.1

        I tend not to over think it.  I don’t care who an older guy pursues as long as it’s not my daughter when she is of legal age.  We’ve already had to threaten one knucklehead for messing with her and scaring her. He was 19 but he wouldn’t leave her alone when we told him she is 12.

        1. RustyLH

          Well that’s a completely different thing. The guy needs to be taken to the wood shed for some instruction by some big burly men. Something wrong there…she’s not a woman yet, she’s a kid.

  15. 195

    Well . . . okay.  I’ve changed my Match profile’s “looking for” age range based on what I’ve read on this blog.
    I haven’t changed the range I’d prefer . . . but giving the impression that I’m realistic about what I’m likely to attract is important to me.  
    Thanks . . . 

    1. 195.1

      Good on you, Malcolm!   Seriously.   We can all be attracted to whatever we’re attracted to (heck… a Jon Hamm look-alike, a few inches taller, who loves to do housework and laughs at all my jokes and votes Conservative sounds quite nice) but having & conveying realistic expectations is actually more likely to lead to a loving relationship.

  16. 196


    youre coming across very bitter And resentful of men in their 50’s to 80’s

    and increasingly infirm? Nowadays maybe 75+ but a healthy fit Silver Fox is going to go toe to toe with a younger woman for a long time and if there is a love bond when eventually she will help in the informed time which will be much shorter than I think you believe.

    Maybe Erica you just haven’t been loved and loved?  

  17. 197

    Hey now Dale don’t lose hope! Just tell yourself that there are millions of couples that have just the age difference and relationship you want!

  18. 198

    I’m 8 months shy of turning 27 and my age preference for dating is 2 years older and 5 years younger. I’m looking to settle down in my early to mid 30’s. 

    Although vast majority of the posts I read here is about arguing, or convincing what men want and are able to get far better than women, far later than women, with much younger spouse, and that men have upper hand when it comes to biology between two sexes, especially from Rusty… I mean, wow, YOU are on a mission my old man. I must add something here and agree with Evan, looking at bigger picture.

    OK, so it’s no secret that women are at a disadvantage when it comes to shortened maternity age with biological clock ticking far sooner and ends far too early for starting a family. Men do not suffer from that, even though fertility and quality may both decline as men age… But at far slower rate.

    So yes, it is far more realistic and common to see much older men with much younger women by age difference ranging from 15-20 to as much as 25-30 in some very rare, grotesque situations. We see it from billionaire titans, celebrities, silver foxes, men of higher quality, those rare men in tiptop shape physically, mentally and financially, who can pull this off at 45-50, even 55 and up like the OP.

    Mark Cuban, the owner of Dallas mavericks, is married to a wife 19 years younger I believe, and has 2 kids, Michael Jordan, 50, is recently re-married(traded up) to a 15 years younger Cuban wife, 35. And George Clooney, at 50, finally proposed to a much younger woman at 35, or 36 as I recall. He must be slowing down after strings of younger models after another I’m guessing.

    So yes, not just using famous folks as examples, even in real life, it’s much more common and prevalent to see these types of coupling between men and women than the other way around, I get it, and I’m not arguing Rusty, it’s all true, and men are much more capable and have the upper hand when it comes to these matters.

    Point I want to make though, for all people, of all ages and races, is that at the end of the day when it is all said and done, after all the datas, and statistics, and scientific biological researches of two sexes…. CLOSER you are in age with your significant other, for a long term relationship, for marriage, for family, for future, the better you are.

    This is all in all picture. Men need to understand these facts, I’m not sure if it’s a new age thing, or not, but WOMEN, in general, as long as I have known them, and as long as I have seen couples… Prefer men closer to their age, or although by no more than 10 years. Women, as much as they may find men like brad Pitt or george clooney sexy at their age still, will look at them and say, damn, he’s getting old. No matter how good in shape you are and how well dressed and well spoken you are, women in mid to late 20’s know much older men in their 40’s and 50’s when they see one…. Not up close, but from far away distance as well. This is not to downgrade older men or silver foxes who stay vigorously alive and intact, those guys I mentioned I look up to. But bottom line is, whether those guys can pull much younger women or not, bottom line is, it’s tougher for average joes to do the same and even tougher to meet the type of women who look for men of those statutes.

    Bottom line, stick to your age range for marriage, simple as that, as far as aging goes, both men and women need to work on staying healthy, fit and attractive as they age throughout their 30’s, 40’s and 5o’s in order to age gracefully and stay alive for the sons, and daughters and your grandkids as well.

    So yeah, if one of you wake up one day and see an old, haggard looking witch lying next to your bed in the morning, or a fat, balding, man boobs developing, nose hair growing, old man snoring next to you…. Decide to Get mad at the s\o for aging too fast and looking old while you are at your sexy well preserved selves who can still pull a young co-Ed chick or a stud with abs and guns…. And then decide to post here all day about attracting far younger counterparts… DONT MAKE IT ANY RIGHT TO TRY N ATTEMPT TO CATCH YOUNG’NS FOR YOUR PROLONGED YOUTH!!!

    unless of course, you are george clooney, who never had kids until 50 and decide to pop one out with a 35 yr old, at maybe 5 yrs from now after enjoying her youth for couple more years, father at 55, and mother at 40…. They can do it, then so can you…. 🙂 I’m sure a sexy hot woman in her 40’s who is hitting all kinds of sexual peak will be fine with a 55-60 year old men, when they’ve got young bulls in 20’s to early 30’s hitting on them for one night stand. 

    And so life goes on….

    1. 198.1

      I’m 8 months shy of turning 27 and my age preference for dating is 2 years older and 5 years younger.
      Are you a man or woman.  Those with ambisexual names should be sure to note what gender they are.  It allows people to understand the tone in a post a bit better.
      Rusty… I mean, wow, YOU are on a mission my old man.
      I’m always on a mission.  Always.  In everything I do.
      I’m not arguing Rusty
      Yes, you are, but it’s OK, you like me are on a mission.  HAHA  😛
      CLOSER you are in age with your significant other, for a long term relationship, for marriage, for family, for future, the better you are.
      Says who?  I’ve known many men and women who were very close, if not identical in age, and their marriages fell apart.  In fact, since more marriages are between people very close in age, and the divorce rate is very high, one might deduce that there is a correlation between the two.  I won’t go so far as to do so.  What I will note is that some of the much younger women who have shown great interest in marriage with me, have given very good reasons for doing doing so.  For instance, one such lady, one of the American girls who was 24, about a year ago, stated that she had zero interest in having children.  This put her at odds with the vast majority of marriage minded men “her age.”  Also, while I thought she was very beautiful, the simple fact is that she was not perfect and men her age left with her no doubt about that fact.  Older men appreciate her strong points better, and ignore her weak points better.  This of course is one of the main reasons that you do see vastly more relationships with older men/younger women than older women/younger men.  Women are superior to men in their ability to look at strong points and ignore weak points, when they are in a relationship with an older person.  No debate, or social conditioning will ever change that.
      Once again, somebody telling people what they should do.  I am sure everyone will hop right to it.  Or…more likely, they won’t.
      I myself would prefer to find a woman late 30’s, to mid 40’s.  Somebody in their 20’s is not what I am after.  Maybe it comes from the realization that as a person on the inside, I have changed very little since my early 30s. 
      I’m sure a sexy hot woman in her 40′s who is hitting all kinds of sexual peak will be fine with a 55-60 year old men, when they’ve got young bulls in 20′s to early 30′s hitting on them for one night stand.
      Sure, and she can go through a string of those hot bulls, and then one day she isn’t so hot anymore, and will unable to attract those hot young bulls, and she will be alone.  She won’t have somebody beside her that actually cares about her as a person.  Unless she is the lucky lottery winner.
      The truth is, the majority of younger men want the “Mrs Robinson” affair, not the “Mrs Robinson” marriage.  They want hot older women to be part of their oat sowing period of life, not the rest of their life.  On rare occasions, there is a younger man who falls in love long enough to get married.  many will wonder why they did that, and divorce.
      I do enjoy the debates here.  It is part of being an ENTJ, if you put any stock in that.  ENTJ’s love to debate.  This irritates most other types because they misunderstand it as an ENTJ thinking they always have to be right, which simply isn’t true.
      I do find it humorous that some women insist on posting that all younger women they know including themselves are creeped out by any man more than 5 years older, who shows interest in her.  My experience is far far different.  The truth is younger women are far far more open to the idea of dating older men.  So what.  This whole attitude of telling somebody what to do is just like telling Jews, Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Buddhists, etc.. to stick to their own kind.  It’s like telling people not to date anyone out of their race.  It’s wrong.  All of it.  I am OK with people telling of their experiences, or showing studies, or articles, or their beliefs on human nature,  what they think others will do, etc…  But to tell people to stick to their own age, their own race, their own religion, their own ethnicity, their own class, etc… It’s wrong.
      One of the ladies here told me how my words could harm some women.  I wonder if women know how their words can harm other women?  For instance, when a woman talks about how older men who like younger women are creepy.  OK, what if one or more of the women in the group likes older men?  What if she prefers older men?  How does this affect her?  I got a peek inside that once.  When I was 26, I met a woman who was about 15 years older than me.  I had gotten out of the Navy for a few years, and this was during that time.   We worked together at Whirlpool, making washing machines.  In that small town, if you worked there, you had a pretty good life.  Anyway, she showed me some pictures once, of a party she and her husband had been to.  I recognized one of the women in the pictures.  Her name was Rose.  She had a sister, the same age as me.  However, both sisters were ahead of me in grade, with Rose being a Junior when I was a Freshman.  Her sister was a grade ahead of me.  I had a crush on both of them at one point or another, but Rose was the one I thought was the prettier of the two, and much more feminine.  Anyway, this lady i worked with was surprised that I knew rose and started asking questions about her, and me, such as my age, and how I knew Rose.  What we figured out was that Rose was likely between 1 to 3 years older than me.  Her sister was a little bit younger than me, even though a grade ahead.  I was held out a year before entering school, so I was one of the oldest in my class.  Then I found out why she wanted to know all of these things.  Turns out that Rose’s husband was about the same age as this lady, a friend of her husband.  But nobody knew how old Rose was.   They knew she was younger, but did not know how young.  They thought she was much closer in age, like 6 or 7 years younger than her husband.  Rose did not want them to know.  Why?  I think that is obvious.  If they didn’t know exactly how old, they treated her as a peer.  had they known just how young, they likely would have treated her differently, like she was beneath them, or worse.  I was smart enough to realize this, and so we talked about it and she agreed that it wasn’t going to do any good for everyone to know how old Rose was, and that Rose had a right to her privacy, and her age, she wanted to be kept private.  I have no idea as to whether she kept it private, but i assume she did, because she admitted that she liked both Rose and her husband a lot, and admitted they were both very happy as a couple, and very much in love.
      I wonder how many women who think older guys are creepy, and think that all of the women they know think the same way, would be surprised to find out that some of them in fact did not think that way, but as women often do, they don’t wish to rock the boat, to be seen as the oddball, the only one who is different.  It’s not lost on me that usually when younger women shows extreme interest, they are not in a large group.  The times that they did so while in a group, so did their friends.  I’ve noticed that women do this thing, where they always want all other women around them to think like they do and do like they do.  When a woman starts dating another race, they often want all of their friends to do the same thing, for instance. 

  19. 199

    Sad truth is, Dale, that when much younger women go for much older guys is all about the money.  If you don’t have LOTS of it, forget it.  It’s highly unlikely a really young thing in her 20’s to early 30’s will want to be with someone pushing 60, no matter how well preserved you may be!  Why not look into more age appropriate ladies.  There are a lot of lovely women 50 and over who are absolutely beautiful and would probably be much better for you.

    1. 199.1

      No it is not.  Most men married to much younger women don’t make a lot of money.  Add this to the tired, worn out cliches.  Besides, the last time I looked, most women looking for guys their own age also prefer guys who make good money.

  20. 200

    Interesting post and a few interesting comments and great perspectives allround.
    Anyway, it is harder to meet any woman past a certain age for the ordinary looking guy let alone someone who is 56. A friend of mine told it in a nutshell, once you are past 35/36, when a man’s looks really begin to change, unless he has high status (he will only attract gold diggers of course) he is going to struggle to meet almost anyone. My friend also dated model looking females when he was aged between 19-34 and after that, it all began to change and he was considered to be exceptionally handsome in his heyday (women threw themselves at him all the time, everywhere he went and this also happened with someone else i know,)so for the nearer normal looking man, its going to be a nightmare in many cases.
    I am 36 now, have been going the gym for 15years and do my best to keep in shape and healthy looking, I know that I aint going to look better anymore (did I ever anyway? possibly not)but I am going to continue to travel the world, have fun, and if I am not meant to meet anyone, then so be it. I accept the fact that I was never a looker anyway but then on the contrary, I made a conscious decision to not want kids either as it wouldnt suit me personally. Just for the record, I tried as a trial pof last year just to see what happened at age 35. Nothing so I thought – “who cares? shut down pof and live my life and hopefully find a career on a cruise ship doing something in fitness or something perhaps!”
    I love what rusty states in comments, very well thought out, and comes from a lot of experience in life.

  21. 201
    Mister R

    What I did is I moved to brasil.
    There are many really nice women here  perfectly willing to date men who are 20 years younger.
    Its part of the lifestyle here. Nobody really cares.
    Hell, Ive seem men in their 60s with women  in their 20s. thats DOES raise an eyebrew even here, but 15-20 years younger ? no body here sees anything wrong with that, its VERY common.
    Source of information – me, living in brasil for the last 6 years, im in my 40s and dating a woman who is 20 years younger then me.
    Its really no problem in south america.
    And she is a quality girl, shes finishing her degree in nursing, she extremely sweet and intelligent. She wants a family.
    What more can I say ? come here and see for yourself how much of a NON-issue it is here in brasil.

    In any case, best of luck mate. 

  22. 202

    This is the dumbest article I’ve ever read. Yes I agree that women may not be interested in marriage with a man 20-25 + years older than them but isn’t the topic of marriage being too presumptuous ?

    The article goes from online dating to marriage !!! What about dating, sex or the 1000 things in between dating to marriage.

    No one even mentions social conditionings effect on women over the past 100 years.

    1000 years ago it was normal for a man to marry a women 20 to 30 years younger. Social conditioning over time has changed that.

    As far as older men attracted to younger women – HA – there’s nothing more normal than that.

    Humans are genetically programmed to reproduce and procreate. A males evolutionary biology is to spread his DNA as much as possible so his genes are not filtered out of existence. I know we’re no longer living in caves but these instincts are part of our core genetic structure. They just DON’T go away after a Millennia or two.

    It is biologically natural that a male – of any age seek out the most fertile female he can find (or attract) as to provide the highest chances of procreation. Same goes for females. They are genetically programmed to seek out the greatest suitor / provider to provide security for her off spring.

    In today’s day in age it means in many respects CASHOLA (financial security). It’s no surprise that “generally” the older the man, the more financial secure and stable he may be. And procreation for men today just means sex.

    But social conditioning is slowly changing that. It’s been changing dating and intersexual relationships slowly for the past 60 years. You can’t deny that ideas that seemed perfectly normal century’s or decades ago are absolutely absurd now.

    As far as the topic of this article – I will agree. Women will marry closer to their age – but what I have provided above is the explanation of “why”. We can talk and we can debate but the universal truth is “why” – Causality, but that’s a topic for another day.

  23. 203

    I have read the comments about older men younger women.  Please let me give you my experience.  I was pursued by an older man who was my father’s age.  I was 24.  When I tried to break it off as I realized we did not have the same values he made me feel very insecure.  He stated “you know what they call girls like you” which made me feel terrible.  All in all he was very canny.  I ended up with him and had a child.  I did not want him.  He however, was a very good father and partner but I felt old.  It aged me beyond my years.  I was unhappy.  I missed out.  I regret it every day.  My advice to young women,  hang in there, you will be better off with a man your own age, who won’t tell you your walking too fast or that criticizes you about your habits.  You don’t need a father figure.  You need a friend, companion someone to have fun with, that listens to the same music and has the same interests.  I ended up alone with an 11 year old girl.  He was 63 when he died.  I missed out on allot and now I am trying to regain what I missed. Don’t be a fool like me please.

    1. 203.1

      Anon #203 – Sorry to hear about your experience.  However, I think the problem may be more about a bad relationship than any age diff.  It sounds like he scared you and/or “slut shamed you”  into marrying him and then mistreated you while married.  Then he died YOUNG.  (63 is young to die) leaving you a single mom.  Judging from the way your marriage sounds, the fact that you are now alone is not a bad thing.  (not that I’m saying he “deserved” to die, just that you are probably better off without him)
      I agree with another poster who said it used to be normal for older men to marry younger women. I do believe it was the norm at some point in our history. When I did start thinking about wanting to marry (after not wanting to marry in my youth)  I actually thought men about 8-15 years older than me were the sweet spot for me.
      I realize that I was kind of freakish in that regard, being attracted to middle aged men when I was in my late 20’s.  (but I ended up marrying younger)  Maybe I was just misplaced in time.  Perhaps I could have been happily married for life had I been born in another era.
      NOW, however is a different story.  I am just not attracted to men my own age or older now.  The dating world for 50 + women like me just does not appeal to me.  I look at the “old guys” hitting on me online and generally think “ew”, so the guys that make me go “meh” are actually the top contenders.  So I give “give them a chance” & it causes nothing but hard feelings.
      Men in their early to mid forties STILL hold the most appeal to me, but now they are too young for me.  (they probably look at MY profile and say “eww”)    
      I think if I had married an older man when I was younger, and the marriage lasted,  his aging looks would not have diminished him in my eyes, because I would have seen him aging slowly over time (while I’m getting older right along side of him)  and the love and shared life experiences become the glue that bonds a couple, rather than their youthful good looks/energy/fertility.  But trying to find attraction when your attractiveness is fading (as is your dating pool) well . . . being single past 50 isn’t for sissies.  Many older people want to date younger (because we all think that we are “all that”, but that our peers aren’t)  but the younger people don’t want us, and we don’t even want each other.  I have gone to these single events and notice that all the older people aren’t approaching each other, and the few brave souls who do, get rejected.  So well all go home alone, AGAIN (and again and again)
      I think that expression “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may”, (or some such thing) is pretty apt advice, for women AND men.
      Lock down a good life partner (and BE a good life partner) in your late 20’s.  The dating landscaping changes DRASTICALLY and QUICKLY  at thirty-something. 
      I really don’t think marrying fresh out of HS is a good idea, but dating intentionally starting in early to mid 20’s, in order to be married by late 20’s might be a better strategy than waiting until you are 35 to even start “dating for a wife/husband” and then trying to play “beat the biological time clock”.   
      And ladies, if you are in your early to mid 30’s and want a family, if a man in his early 40’s looking for a wife and family shows an interest in you, try to take a look at THE MAN and not the number on his birth certificate. There is a variety of health/looks/fitness in this age group for both men and women.  I think a 34 year old woman writing off a 41 year old man based PURELY on his numerical age is a bit off. The age diff is not THAT big and there are plenty of attractive, energetic 41 year men.   If you really don’t find him attractive at all, then obviously I won’t advocate dating or relating with him, but seriously, some of the ladies on this blog talk about men in their early 4o’s as if they are all ugly, old, curmudgeons who couldn’t get it up to save their life.  (you ladies who talk about 40 something men that way, you DO realize that our dear blog host is 40 something, right ?  )  
      Sorry for the long rambling post,  but I squandered my youthful “power years” vehemently opposed to marriage and motherhood, (I had my reasons and this can’t be blamed on “feminism” ) and even tho’ I changed my mind and eventually married and experienced motherhood, I still wound up alone.  If even one woman (or man) starts taking their love life a little more seriously a little bit sooner, then perhaps my long rambling posts will be worth it.

      1. 203.1.1

        That was a very good post SE. You make a lot of good points. Maybe we should all hang more mirrors in our houses because you are right. We all feel like we are 10 to 20 years younger, and when we look at our peers, we see old people, and agenda driven flattery aside, young people see us as old also. So really, we all seem to be hypocrites. Most of us anyway. Looking at those around us and thinking that they all look older than we do. I think it would be a lot of fun to see a reality TV show do an experiment with this. Take a bunch of people, and have them give their honest opinions of each other in private, and than show the audience. I think we would see a lot of instances, and I do mean a lot of instances where two women or two men look at each other and then say that the other person looks older. Most of them would be looking at others, thinking they feel younger than all of their peers look. They would assume that because of this, combined with looking good for their age, that they look younger than their peers. Often, people will tell us that, but yet if honest people guess your age, they are usually pretty close. However, I have noticed that Asian men guess my age pretty close while white men usually guess me to be younger.

        I also agree with what your point about the horror stories regarding 40+ men. If we are all honest, we all know a lot of couples where the guy who was within a few years age difference of the woman also turned out to be very abusive. I am sure I can dig up many horror stories in news articles of instances where the two people were the same age and the man ended up either in prison for what he did to the woman or at a minimum, had a restraining order.

        Regarding restraining orders, I want to let people know that I have a friend who works in that field, and she said that they are the most abused aspect of the legal system. She said that the real problem is that most men don’t actually fight them, thinking that all they really do is tell him to do what he is willing to do anyway, which is to stay away from her. And, without using a lawyer, the chances that the judge won’t at least award a 6 month injunction are pretty low. It’s in the judge’s best interest to award them. She said the area where they are the most abused is when two people are divorcing. It’s usually done as a power play to put the man on the defensive in custody hearings. So my advice to men is to not take them lightly, because the judge will see it as precautionary to at least give a 6 month order to let emotions cool off. If after 6 months there has been o problems, he feels more confident. On the other hand, she said men often don’t try to get one on the woman, even when they should.

        I also know this changed my perception. I thought about it and had to admit that I know far too many women who love to play the victim role, and it disgusts me. Often these are women who claim to be strong women, but as soon as they see an advantage in being seen as a victim, they do so. ugh…

        Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your post SE.

  24. 204

    Hey, believe me, I understand. I’m 40 and I can’t even get women in their late 30s to date me either!

  25. 205

    I see that LOVE has been left out of this entire discussion. I see too much focus on age differences. We get it that American women in particular want a guy their age and that American males, if given a chance, would prefer younger women. However, in other countries, people look less at age and more at love and compatibility. In America we want everything to fit into a neat little box, everyone the same/similar age, same this, same that. Like the saying goes, love is blind. I have seen people madly in love where they are not too concerned about what will happen in 15-25 years. THey are enjoying the moment and memories they are making. Men  who venture oversees typially find not only younger women but also love and no, their wives are often not even interested in living in America where everything needs to be neatly assembled so everyone is happy. Also, those that are 20-30 now, you will be  the 50-60 year old person you “are creeped out about”   The fact that American women tend to use the word creep every time they refer to old men interested in them says a lot more about their maturity level than the men they despise and discrinminate against over the issue of age alone. Never mind that many of the older men look better than the many of the 20-30 year olds they have hooked up with.  Just sayin.

  26. 206

    some have asked if older women are jealous of you ger women — no, just frustrated with the unfairness of the situation. ‘I’m a 50 year old woman who used to have 50 year old men ask me out when I was in my 20s and 30s. I was insulted –are weren’t these guys asking 50 year old women out ? Eventually I’d be 50 – would I not be good enough to ask out then?  

    In my 30s I had men tell me on dates that didnt think they wanted kids — yet.  One guy on a date even told me he should be dating younger so if he changed his mind, he’d still have more time to have kids. Now in my late 40s most guys who contact me are older, like 60s. And yes, I even had a guy tell me his daughter (my age) was in Florida and he was going to move there and he wanted me to wait for him to get there and then we could date — yeech!

    so where are the guys in their 40s and 50s now Who I’d actually have something in common with? According to my married male friends, those men arent  interested in a woman their own age.  Even my mother, who taught yoga into her 70s, who looks a good 15 years younger than she is, once went out on a date with a man her own age who appeared disgusted when he found out they were the same age. When does this end?

  27. 207

    I’m a 52 year old man that’s in good shape, runs half marathons, I have two college degrees, been married 2x, have a couple of teenage kids that live with their Mom during the school year… and I can’t find anyone to date online. 

    Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Not only do a lot of women > 50 get overlooked, these SAME women overlook us guys in our early 50s if we are not 6’0′ or taller, outrageous handsome and wealthy. I have a good job, but I can’t take someone to Cabo every other weekend for fun, and I know part of the issue IS my height at 5’5″. I can’t tell you how many profiles women put up say straight up “I am 5’5-8 or 9. I will not date men shorter than me. Don’t even bother to reply.”

    Now, I am not perfect, I am carrying 10# extra pounds on my frame and I don’t have a six pack, but compared to the average 50 year old running around Wal-Mart, I look 10  years younger than my age, I dress well, I speak well, and I can’t get anyone interesting in going out with me because I’m not tall. Women are JUST as bad as men are when it comes to looks and height. I get the “You’re really cute” line all the time but then there’s the “but you’re not tall enough for me to date.”

    Its to the point that I really want to eat a gun somedays. I feel terribly lonely and it feels hopeless at times.

  28. 208
    Interested Party

    Hi Evan –
    I am glad I found this blog!
    Thank you for sharing Dale’s story.
    I am a beautiful youthful looking woman past childbearing age. I think your take on Dale’s dilemma is spot on. I have not been on one single date at all using the Internet for @2 years. None. I think most of the guys my age are definitely looking for younger women. So I stopped using the Internet. One thing I do not like about Internet dating in particular is that I am required to give my age. In real life, the only man who asks me my age is my doctor. This is a strange type of “bonanza” for a guy who would never ask a lady such a question in person. And frankly I’m not too sure it’s so great. There are some 50 year old men that are too immature for me and there are some that seem like they are ready to hit the rocking chair. And there are some that are ready to rock with me! Age is not just a number, but it is certainly not the only way to evaluate someone’s personality and compatibility. Also I think it is an impertinent question, like “how much money do you make” or “how much does your apartment cost”. A little too much information to ask a perfect stranger on line. I do not usually ask a man his age. I can tell if he’s “too young” or “too old” by spending time with him. Posting my true age got me responses from men interested mainly in sex. Men of all ages. So no more on line dating for me. They would only date Sharon Stone for her money, they are so crazy for you girls. I have no issue with this. I was young once and always had tons of men to choose from for friendship and whatever else I might like. The good news is the men seem to want to procreate with the younger women, so that’s great. As far as having relationships go, there doesn’t seen to be much interest on line in this woman. I’ll bet if they met me in another place they would like me. I’m sexy, smart, beautiful and funny. And I would make a great girlfriend/companion/wife to the right man. And the first words out of his mouth would probably not be “how old are you?”

  29. 209

    I find it totally disturbing how old men are attracted to girl my age. I get hit on by old ass men in their 40’s & 50’s. Old men just don’t get it. When you’re that age, you’re old & useless. The only thing you’re good for is money & that’s it. You’re used up with wrinkles & saggy, rotten balls, with dirty hooker diseases. The only real reason why a girl my age would wanna be seen with you is because you have money & nice things that I could use you for. I need money for books, clothes, shoes, & my living expenses. But I’d never have sex with a guy that age. It’s just too gross & makes me wanna puke!! Men that age always smell bad with rotten breath, & yellow teeth always trying to look young when it just isn’t working. You’re pathetic & sad if you think anyone my age would ever really want you. It’s just funny. If you’re an “older gentleman” you stop checking me & my friends out because it seriously creeps us out. Look at women your own damn age you bunch of pedophilic losers!! My mom is 46 & she’s gorgeous!!! If my dad ever left my mom for some younger chick I can guarantee he’ll end up in the worst old folks home. Another thing, I’ve noticed that men totally don’t value women after they hit 30. So does that mean I only have a little over 10 years left until men want to kill me off because all of you feel I’m worthless?? I might as well be a lesbian because at least other women will treat me like a human being! Is that what I have to look forward to?? It’s a sad future for me & other girls my age. My told me once that it’s better to be respected than to be liked. That’s the truth. 

    1. 209.1

      Naya @ 209 – Said “blah, blah, blah, blah, something hateful, blah, blah, blah
      Naya – You DO realize that our dear blog host is in his 40’s, right ?

    2. 209.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      Naya, if your post indicates anything, it’s that a 20 year old like you might be attractive on the outside, but you’ve got a lot more growing to do on the inside. BTW, any 40+ guy with a half brain only wants you for a brief time, because he certainly doesn’t see you as an equal.

    3. 209.3

      Naya, I suggest you get a good education so you can escape the ghetto where you clearly live. It is obvious that this is true because the way you described 40+ men is not the reality for most 40+ men. I’m early 30s and the most enjoyable dates I’ve had are with men in their late 30s and 40s.

      You are creeped out by older men because you are in the ghetto, or you are an ageist. Which is it? Be happy that any man finds you attractive. Some women aren’t so lucky. The reality is that if a younger man finds you attractive, so will older men, so just be thankful that men think you are attractive. Of course, as Evan noted, you are only attractive on the outside. The reality, as Evan noted is that you bring nothing to the table except your exterior beauty. Not a fair trade for the me of substance that I date.

      You better work on your personality because one day, your looks will be gone, and then what will you have left to attract a quality man. Also, I can assure you that we women look at younger men also. I am not the least bit interested in a long term relationship with a younger man, but I can still enjoy the visual appeal of a hot young 19 year old surfer I see on the beach. I think they are more mature than you are, and less full of themselves because I have never been given a “what are you looking at creep,” glare when they have caught me looking. I usually get a smile in return. So it seems you aren’t the equal of your male peers either.

      My grandfather had a saying he liked to use. “You can dip a rotten nut in sweet candy, but it’s still a rotten nut.” That seems to describe young immature girls perfectly.

      1. 209.3.1

        I wish I had Naya’s number so I could send those 20-30 somethings to her that hit me up for nothing more than my “experience”. 😆

    4. 209.4

      Glad that Naya is being called out on her hateful post.  When men come to this blog to inform us that all 35 + women are fat, wrinkled, ugly & worthless we pile on them (as we should)  We should treat women who make similar ageist, sexist, hateful remarks in the same manner.

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