How You Can Get Everything Wrong and Still Find The Man of Your Dreams

How You Can Get Everything Wrong and Still Find The Man of Your Dreams
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Karin is tall, thin and blonde. She’s a former dancer who makes a good living as a doctor. She’s a patron of the arts, an animal lover, and has a quick wit.

Karin is also 42, never married, and desperately wants children.

I took her on as a Private Coaching client because she’s highly motivated.

Yet the second we started working together, Karin began to dictate how our coaching would go — and thus gave me a small glimpse of why she’s single at 42.

“I’m not going to date online. Only weirdos who do that. What if someone sees me? I’d be too embarrassed. The kind of men I’m looking for don’t date online.”

“I think you tell women to settle. I’m not going to settle. I haven’t waited this long to find love only to be with a man who is beneath my standards.”

And so on. And so forth.

I reminded Karin that 50 million people have tried online dating. I reminded her that if a man sees her online, he can’t judge her because he’s dating online as well.

The first three weeks of coaching Karin, we literally didn’t do any coaching.

All I did was cajole her into putting her profile on Match.com so we could actually have, you know, DATES to discuss during the rest of her coaching.

I reminded Karin that 50 million people have tried online dating.

I reminded her that if a man sees her online, he can’t judge her because he’s dating online as well.

I reminded her that my wife, my mom, my sister, my sister’s husband, my wife’s best friend, my wife’s best friend’s husband and pretty much every other single person I know has tried it. And we’re not all losers.

Finally, Karin got her professional photos and professional profile up on Match.

It was like magic. Even though Karin was in a highly unpopular demographic (42 and looking to have babies) she still got tons of attention online. Scores of men. Attractive men. Successful men. Age-appropriate men.

Quickly, Karin realized that her fears were considerably overstated.

Within weeks, Karin found herself dating a good guy named Gary. They’d gone out 3 or 4 times and he always followed up immediately to see her again. Moreover, he was enthusiastic, cute, successful and very much interested in Karin as a girlfriend.

Naturally, Karin started second-guessing her own interest him.

“He’s too nice,” she said. “He always asks for my opinion on what to do on dates. Why is he so eager to please?”

Didn’t you complain that in your last passionate love affair, you never knew where you stood with the guy? That he wasn’t considerate enough?

“Yes, but–How about the fact that Gary is a teacher who drives a Toyota? How can he support me? What are my Mercedes-driving friends going to think?”

You’re a doctor; he doesn’t have to support you. And who cares what your friends think as long as you’re happy in your relationship?

“Yeah, well, the other day, in the museum, he made a joke about a modernist sculpture. I thought it was so classless of him to do that when an artist poured his heart and soul into creating it.”

He made a joke about a piece of art? And you want to break up with him for it?

“He apologized to me the next day because he saw how it upset me, but all I could think was: why did you make that dumb joke in the first place?”

Because it was funny? Because it was no big deal? Because everyone makes jokes about modern art? Either way, Karin, the fact that he apologized to you when he’s done nothing wrong means that you’re dating a saint. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him.

After a half-hour of back and forth, Karin made her decision.

She was dumping Gary.

He was too safe.

He was too nice.

He wasn’t able to support her financially.

And if this wasn’t enough, Karin simply didn’t feel what she was supposed to feel.

Fair enough.

I told Karin that I didn’t care about Gary, per se, but that if she were going to achieve her goal of finding love, she should start giving men like Gary a closer look.

She’d spent 42 years chasing exciting, charismatic, unpredictable, wildly attractive men…and here she was with a dating coach trying to figure out where she went wrong.

“THIS is where you’ve gone wrong”, I told her. “THIS is your chance to correct it.”

But Karin’s mind was made up.

She broke it off with Gary and they agreed to “remain friends”.

She put herself back on Match.com and prepared herself for the flood of responses that she got in her first month online.

Two weeks later, Karin was crying to me on the phone.

“The responses have slowed down”, she told me.

“The quality of the guys has gotten worse,” she observed.

“I’m really worried that I made a mistake,” she whimpered.

Instead of playing the “I told you so” card, I continued to support Karin’s dream.

I spend a lot of time writing about sad things: men who lie, men who cheat, men who won’t commit, etc. This blog doesn’t change the fact that these men are still out there.

I didn’t tell her she blew it with Gary; I did remind her that the Garys of the world — cute, smart, thoughtful, patient, relationship-oriented — were the type of men she should consider whenever they come along.

I told her that everyone goes through online dry spells and that a new guy will emerge in a matter of weeks. Promise.

Two weeks later, Karin revealed that she and Gary were “hanging out as friends” when he suddenly kissed her.

And after further reflection, she would give Gary — and their relationship – another shot.

Sure, it was a happy ending — another client who achieved her goal and got her money’s worth — but I didn’t have a warm and fuzzy feeling about it. Why?

Because Karin was still the same person she was before — neurotic, critical, unrealistic, and bound to dissect Gary and dump him in favor of a fantasy man who would never commit to her.

So imagine my surprise last week when I received this email from Karin:

Hi Evan!

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to tell you this, but… I’m married! To Gary – the man about whom you were coaching me when we parted. We had an amazingly beautiful and intimate wedding with 50 guests. We honeymooned in Tahiti.

Needless to say, this is a dream come true for me. I am so happy, because I feel safe and secure with a man who is devoted to me. He is everything I was looking for – although it took you to make me realize that. Of all the thank-you notes I have written (and have yet still to write …), yours is the most important to me – because there is no way I would be a happily married woman today without you.

Gary is everything I need, and more – but I still couldn’t fully accept that when you and I finished off in February. At that time, I still couldn’t help looking for perfection, magnifying shortcomings, and not accepting what was most important: unwavering interest in me as a person, following through on commitments, and truly wanting the same things I wanted in a relationship. I still wasn’t appreciating Gary’s amazingly hot body, razor-sharp intellect, and unique life experiences he had created for himself. Or that he made me breakfast in bed, put up with my neuroses, and just wanted to be with me. All I saw was that he didn’t create a Fortune 500 company, drive a Tesla, or lunch regularly with Gavin Newsom. Yes, I am ashamed.

There is no way I would have gotten to that point without you, Evan. No chance I have found Gary and let him into my heart if it hadn’t been for you. You were instrumental every step of the way: from that incredible online profile, to actually getting me to put it online (an entirely separate step, as you well know), to coaching me through all those first dates, to helping me realize why Gary was the kind of guy I should be with … I can’t thank you enough.

I continue to read your weekly post, and I couldn’t agree more with everything you say (yes, pretty much everything). For any woman who wants a real and meaningful relationship but continues coming up short, you are the man for the job to figure out where the stumbling blocks lie and implement a personalized plan to overcome them. Or via the ebook – I bet it is just as helpful for those who want a more economical approach to coaching (although you were worth every penny 🙂 I plan on reading it once the dust settles on setting up a new household (and those thank-you notes are written …) because it will not only speak to my fascination with human relationships but also keep me abreast of how you communicate your wisdom. Regardless of how women want to go about finding the relationship they want and need, you are the one to help them find it.

You sure did it for me. I have a mature, supportive, satisfying, committed relationship (it’s even a marriage!), and I am so happy. Thank you so much for everything!!

All my best,

Karin

You know what I did when I got this email?

I ran into the kitchen to find my wife.

Tears were brimming out of my eyes.

I couldn’t believe that Karin found true love — much less gave me credit for it.

I know this is a long blog post.

I know that it can be interpreted as egocentric or self-aggrandizing.

But you know what?

I just think it’s inspiring.

I spend a lot of time writing about sad things: men who lie, men who cheat, men who won’t commit, etc.

This blog doesn’t change the fact that these men are still out there.

Still, I think Karin’s email is a useful reminder that you MUST have hope.

Karin didn’t believe in online dating.

She dated online.

Karin didn’t believe in compromising.

She compromised.

Karin didn’t think she had to accept anything less than a perfect man because she’d held out for so long.

She accepted Gary.

And she WON.

If you’ve been sitting on the sidelines, wondering why love isn’t finding you, ask yourself if you’re willing to do what Karin did: look within, challenge yourself, and open up to a whole new way of thinking.

Who knows? You could be next.

Join our conversation (113 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 21
    zann

    @ Amy: Wow. Just wow. Where’d you get your crystal ball? Because, dang, I’m sure the rest of us would like one of our own.

    Or maybe not.

    Note to self: If I ever get as cynical, negative and smugly bitter as Amy, consider the possibility that the rest of humankind might be better served if I just kept that to myself. Or at least limit it to a few paragraphs, as opposed to a novella.

    Amy, while it’s hard to decide which one of your arrogant predictions is most offensive, I’d put this one right near the top: “Gary is a teacher and drives a cheap car.”

    You know, I had no idea that driving a Toyota meant a guy is — although earnest and hardworking — but not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not to mention he’s most likely “nice, accepting, supporting and good with people.” And we all know THOSE are some pretty obvious red flags.
    Poor Karin. Here she thought she was all happy, when really she’s just stuck with ol’ Gary Manly-Manless. Oh sigh.

  2. 22
    sally

    Wow, I guess I’m kind of shocked by these comments!! I thought we were grown ups trying to better ourselves and learn from people who wanted to help us. Ladies…!!!! STOP IT!!! I’m embarrassed, we subsrcibe for a reason (because we haven’t been able to achieve our relationship goals on our own) , plse leave it at that and understand someone is trying to help us regardless of whether we agree or not! Evan…don’t get into it, that’s not why the majority of us subscribe, your advice is appreciated.

  3. 23
    Zaq

    I don’t understand why you girls are having a problem with this. Is it because one of the sisters had to compromise to find love, and you are unwilling to do so ?

    I actually know a  kindergarten  teacher with absolutely no ambition that is about to marry an ambitious professional woman.
    He is handsome, talented, kind. She is nothing to write home about in the looks dept.
    “She wants someone ambitious” my female friend says.
    “But he’s handsome !” I say
      There is a look of  incredulity on her face

    Men and women are SO different  

  4. 24
    Mark

    @Amy – WOW, Are you still single? I would hookup w/you in a Heartbeat!

    I almost slit my wrists just reading your post, that has got to be the most  negative  outlook on life/relationships I have ever read 🙁

      

  5. 25
    AnnieC

    ah zaq, men and women aren’t as different as we think(though I agree we are).

    I wanted for the longest time, a man who was not ambitious because I had an absentee father(due to work). I didn’t want my kids to have that. Till I got one. Then I wanted a man who was ambitious, but misunderstood again. Got him, wasn’t so happy.

    Then I realized it was more a matter of how ambitious a person was about life and their passions and wether our life goals were similar. They would understand money and responsibility was important but not everything.  

    Amy’s post @ #10, was probably more accurate than people probably realize. Just from reading evan’s post, it looks like a co-dependant relationship in the making. A woman that obsessed with her own unrealistic demands, isn’t going to change quickly. And a man who tolerates it, won’t change quickly either.

    It’s a wonderful thing to find love, and I do wish the best for them. I would like to see the results 10 years down the track though.   That isn’t always cynicism. It’s reading the red flags and knowing what they represent.

  6. 26
    Zaq

    @AnnieC

    Yes there are potential problems, not least of which is how the guy is going to be able to fit in with her rich cultured friends.

    I can’t help but think an older man with the same lifestyle would have been a far better fit.

      

  7. 27
    Karl R

    amy said: (#20)
    “[Karin’s] list wasn’t superficial. It was actually what she wanted.
    She wanted an alpha male, and she let herself be convinced that beta would keep her bed warm just fine.”

    Do you really think Karin would be happy with an alpha male? It may seem attractive at a distance, but I wouldn’t want that kind of dynamic in my close relationships.

    My fiancée’s dog has dominance issues. I have to be the alpha male with him, or his behavior becomes unmanageable. That means we do things my way, no exceptions. As long as he does what I want, we get along great. If he challenges my authority, we have a fight, and he loses. In order to be the alpha, I can’t let the challenge pass.

    Since he’s a dog, he accepts this dynamic. It provides a stability and structure to his life that works well for dogs.

    I would hate to have an intimate relationship based on an alpha/beta dynamic. I find it more harmonious and more fulfilling to have a partnership between equals.

    However, I recognize that you (or Karin) may value a different dynamic in a relationship. It is possible to have a harmonious relationship with an alpha … as long as you’re willing to be the beta. If not, there’s going to be a fight … and if he accepts losing, then he’s not an alpha.

    Zaq said: (#30)
    “Yes there are potential problems, not least of which is how the guy is going to be able to fit in with her rich cultured friends.”

    If Karin’s friends can’t be polite and gracious to Gary (just because he’s her husband), then perhaps Karin needs to find some classier friends.

    One of my fiancée’s  close  friends has 12 cats. I’m allergic to cats. Furthermore, we have nothing in common. That’s fine. She’s a sweet lady, and we can be nice to each other. We don’t need to socialize more than that. They can do girls’-night-out without me.

    My fiancée and I  are a couple, not siamese twins. It’s not that hard to have her friends, my friends, and our friends.

  8. 28
    amy

    SalsaQ – Unfortunately most schoolteachers really aren’t all that bright. The ed colleges pull from the bottom 25% of college classes; the kids who can’t make it in biz and sci routinely switch to ed. You get a lot of genuinely nice people who’re willing to take orders from admins mired in politics and mandates, and who admire intellectual and artistic work but aren’t cut out for it themselves. They’re mostly very good people. Brighter than the 50th-percentile mark in your room full of random people, too. Totally hardworking and patient. But razor-sharp intellect? No, she’s kidding herself there. And boatrockers, no.

    As for your fantasy about that couple: no, that’s not how that demographic does it. The children will go to excellent schools and develop eating disorders. One will get involved with booze or drugs or some equivalent and make a mint writing about it. The others will marry well.
      
    KarlR – If Karin’s hung up on Teslas and fat incomes, then yes, she digs the dominant man. Her net came up empty and she went back to the nice fellow who gave her tea, sympathy, and hot sex. But that’s not what she was really after, and it’ll show through in a while. The girl wants her man dressed to impress.
      
    Evan – there’s only so many stories. Sorry. A temporary marriage isn’t something to get excited about, esp. if there’s going to be a kid involved. But wait and see, maybe I’m wrong. Come back in 5 years and see how it’s going.
      
    zann – Hey, I was married to a Toyota guy, and his car was nicer and newer than mine. The guy I almost married before him, also a Toyota. But the midlife Toyota means the guy’s never going to walk into anyone’s office and demand money. He’s not going to play the game of Take Everything You Can. I’m not interested in that, but Karin likes to see a man play that game. To her, it means he has self-confidence, self-respect, and she finds it sexy. Gary, he’ll take what the school board and union say he’ll get, and like it.
      
    One thing that I notice happens with people who don’t care about money: they assume the people they like don’t care about it, either. That money happens accidentally. So I would lay odds that at some point, Gary will get very cavalier indeed with Karin’s money, and Karin will be offended as hell and pull him up short. Which will humiliate him, and he’ll wonder who exactly’s in charge, here.

    Personally? I think Karin just wanted an unlikely set of things. She wanted her manly guy, she’s 42, and she wants at least one baby. At 42 and with moxie and brights, she’s attractive to established guys in their 50s. They don’t want any more kids, though. So then she has to decide: what’s more important, baby or husband? She’ll go with “baby”. Fine, maybe she’ll get one. But if she hasn’t done this carefully, it’s going to be very expensive. (I also hope she and Gary are on the same page when it comes to chromosomal defects.)

    There is, of course, the possibility that Karin has no idea who the hell she is, or what she really wants, in which case Gary may be her lifesaver after all. But I’m thinking probably not.

    One thing I think all y’all are missing is that Karin’s been fighting her way through a boys’ club for decades. She knows how to survive there, and she’s tough. I don’t doubt that it’s a temporary relief for her to be calling the shots easily here, and to get warmth instead of static or a knife in the back. In the end, though, the question is still “did she actually want a wife (but one who still has enough male ego to bristle at the idea of losing face at work)”, and my guess is the answer is “no, she wanted a husband.”

    1. 28.1
      Lucy

      Seems like you’ve got Karin figured out along with Gary and the entire world in fact.

      What I see is a left-brained, unimaginative, controlling person who has so thoroughly analyzed life, or so she thinks, that all the magic runs squealing out the front door.

      This is a cliché, but there really is more to life than money and flash. Really.

  9. 29
    Still-Looking

    Amy @ 20 –
    You stated, ”  Money is not a superficial thing to go after. I’m about Karin’s age, and you know what? I’m done with men who don’t pick up the check, who don’t buy serious presents. Men are organized all around getting money, and I don’t date children. I don’t share her interest in flash, but that’s not superficial either. Flash is about power. Money and power, two serious things that’ll stand you in good stead . . .    and hope she keeps her money separate, also that she’s not in a community property state.”

    Wow!   How can I say this nicely??   …. I hope any man that takes you out keeps a firm grip on his credit cards and realizes that with some people, a prenuptial agreement is not an option.    Your attitude regarding Gary (who will make out like a bandit) and your self-professed gold-digging standards are more than a little askew.   

  10. 30
    Banana

    Love this story. I think Evan’s blog post about maximizers vs satisficers relates well. Karin may always be drawn to more flashy men, but she can choose to stay in a loving, fulfilling relationship. Being a maximizer in relationships left her single and looking for too long… She needed Evan’s advice to show her a different way to approach dating.
    @amy. Being with a man who is wonderful, supportive , and relationship oriented is one of the happiest experiences of my life.   Rejecting men becuase they weren’t successful enough or weren’t alpha types left me lonely and miserable. I have no doubts about my choice of partner.

  11. 31
    james

    Amy needs a hug. Things will be okay amy, I know you don’t think things will be okay. but they will be.

  12. 32
    Brenda

    Well, Evan, I have to say that I love Karin’s “a ha moments” and I love you too 🙂   As you know, you helped me in so many ways when I got back onto the dating scene at 50!   

    You coached me and helped me see past my values and my “list of wants” which were admittedly superficial – a younger man who could keep up with me and my two sons, now ages 12 and 14, someone intelligent and witty, a really masculine man who believed in love and who wanted marriage, and someone who would be wonderful partner in so many ways.

    I had a lot of false starts…..the men who started out well and went poof for a variety of reasons, men who weren’t ready, men who wanted someone younger than me, men who went back to an old girlfriend….. and I just kept the faith. Kept believing that there was a man out there who like me believed strongly in love, marriage, and a great future. I kept putting one foot ahead of the other, and kept reading your blog, putting myself out there, meeting men on a few online dating websites and enjoying the process.   Whether we had a future or not, I enjoyed learning more about any man I dated, even if it just involved one date. At times, it felt a bit like interviewing for a job, and there were months that I took myself off the dating market and just focused on healing from my divorce.  

    But voila! I met a wonderful man, who is 9 months younger than I am (who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor), who loves my sons and I hugely and he actually got down on his knees to propose to me at Christmas. We are marrying this October and I can honestly say I would not have given him a chance if I had kept my old so not-working-for-me-mindset and gone for the soul-shredding relationships with the big-wage-earner men who may have been flashy but were not the man who won my heart!

    Evan, thanks for encouraging me along the way and for helping me see that the initial wants I had were the same old wants that had never worked for me and for showing me how to really enjoy the dating process.

      

  13. 33
    Brenda

    PS My superficial list of wants   – i.e. the younger man etc – encompassed many more things that I did not list here – what I did want was the intelligence etc and many other attributes which are listed on the next three lines. (sorry, my brain is tired after a long week 🙂

  14. 34
    Natasha

    Evan, thank you for sharing this!   It’s all too true that many, many stories fall under the sad category and it’s so uplifting to read a positive one.   For all those who don’t believe that people can change their priorities, I have a very close friend that was “a Karin”, (and  is a  lawyer)  who met “a Gary” (who is a teacher).   She finally saw the light and gave him a chance.   I’m  going to be a bridesmaid in their wedding and I can’t wait to  celebrate them starting their lives together.     

    If you do the work, things will change for you.   Believe it.     

  15. 35
    Soul

    Here is what I think: there is a lot of truth in what Amy is saying….  
    Here is what I feel: you never know in this life, and love/life is about growing and becoming a better person.

    Karin’s former life may have been painful enough for her to recognize that what she once valued (alpha males, flash, money etc.) aren’t what she really wanted and valued DEEP INSIDE…. or…. Amy  might be right that Karin was just too desperate and that her marriage will not run the distance….only time will tell actually. WE DO NOT KNOW…
      PS:  And as a matter of fact, Evan’s job is all the more difficult because what he is trying to do, in a sense, is to reconcile the “feeling” and the “thinking” perspectives…Love is about MAGIC, it is about that little sth that nobody can really explain, but that most people have felt or are able to imagine and/or fantasize about…  And at the same time, there are a few “rules”, patterns, that EMK is trying to convey to his clients. But we do not know the end result of it all of course. Nobody knows…

    However, I find that there is a lot of wisdom in EMK’s approach. I have myself followed his system’s core principles and it has literally changed my life. Actually, I am now deeply in love with the very same man that I found extremely boring and predictable in the first place….And  although I did not feel any chemistry at first,  he is by far my best sex experience ever! In fact we now live together and I can assure you that this man absolutely NOT boring, he is just a man who is reliable and I, foolish as I was before I started reading this blog, I just did not know how to measure integrity, so I wrongly assumed being reliable meant being boring! I am thankful that I followed EMK’s advice and paid attention to what really mattered…I let him do all the work and I just said yes!

    In the end I do not find him boring at all! I find him fascinating and to my greatest pleasure, he takes more initiatives than any of my “wonderful” but spineless exes (I am definitely a beta feminine energy person who needs a reliable leader)…In 6 months my man has initiated trips to 5 different countries including dangerous ones (he is helping me plan my next career and sort out which countries Ill be focusing on), we have visited art galleries in different countries, he has taken me to great intellectual conferences, we go fishing in the deep ocean and live only on what we have fished for days, we have spent days without electricity in the wild…   the guys is not boring at all, I was the one without the knowledge and wisdom to recognize a good man. It could be the same for Karin…I know that without EMK’s advice I would have let the most wonderful and generous guy go without even realizing my mistake! EMK’s advice has helped me really be in touch with who I am deep inside, and that could be the same for Karin in the end.

  16. 36
    amy

    Still-Looking – I wouldn’t get married without a pre-nup and a thumbs-up from the lawyer that the pre-nup would be meaningful in whatever state I was living in. I’ve already been in danger of getting wiped out once by a guy, wouldn’t risk it again. I’ve got a child to raise and a retirement to live through.
      
    And I think you miss my point. A woman who’s looking to be treated well materially isn’t necessarily a golddigger. Maybe the majority aren’t. What she is saying is: “Hey. You’re not a kid. You make real money. If I mean something to you, show it. Not just in words and touch and hokey little things, which any kid can manage, but in a tangible way. And if you’re the man I think you are, you’ll want to do that.” A middle-aged woman with any self-confidence knows that money’s not a joke, and she knows what she’s worth. Does it mean she won’t offer to pick up the check, no. But it means he’d be ashamed to let her.
      
    As for me, I’m done with broke men. Not because I’m looking for a sugar daddy, but because there’s almost always something seriously wrong with a broke middle-aged guy. Yes, sometimes there’s a real disaster, but I’ll tell you, if he’s a together and energetic person, he won’t stay down long. Otherwise — he lacks self-confidence, he lacks the ability to plan, he’s 47 and thinks he’s 27. He got divorced without thinking what it’d cost; he had kids without thinking about what they’d cost, or the possibility of divorce. He’s got serious psychological issues that hamper his ability to work, or to find work he enjoys. He’s drifting through life.
      
    Apart from which, I’m just too old for kid stuff. Just like I’m too old to go traveling around sleeping on a bus. Short of a war, I’m done with crappy street food, bad cheap dates, panicky emails about the rent, junk jewelry, terrible apartments where you can hear the neighbors all night. There’s only one circumstance in which I’d say yes to a broke guy, and that’s if he was in maybe the top five for talent I’ve ever met in my field, and I’ve met a few Nobelists. If he was that talented and serious, and also sane and hot and we had a real meeting of minds going on, okay. But I still wouldn’t let him move in with me, because I don’t want to play Mom to a broke genius. Nor would I marry him and get my property mixed up with him legally.
      
    In any case, I’m not here to judge whether Karin’s desires are right or wrong, virtuous or not. I’m saying that marrying someone who serves an immediate need, but doesn’t share your values or goals, is not a good idea. There are much worse things than being single. One of them is going through a divorce.
      
    In fact, I’ll go further. Suppose Karin does manage to have a child with Gary, and three years later Gary can’t take it anymore. The doctor hours, Karin’s attitude towards money and career v. family time, the whole thing. And he files for divorce. Karin will not get custody of that child — the one she knocked herself out looking to have, then having in her 40s, which carries both physical and career risk — because Gary will have done more caregiving, and besides he has more free time. He can be there in the afternoons, and he’s got all summer off. So Karin will watch him move out and take the toddler with him…depending on where they live, she’ll give him a big ol chunk of what she’s worked to make…and then she’ll send him child support. If Gary’s still hot and employed, he’ll remarry, and then Karin’s child will grow up in another woman’s house. Where Karin sends checks. Karin, on the other hand, will probably not remarry.
      
    So unless they stick together and she keeps him happy, if what she wanted most was a child, she was probably better off as an SMBC with a nanny or a grandparent living in her house.
      
    Marrying just to be married — I don’t see any wisdom in it. And if you’re not looking ahead and asking, How will this go if things don’t go well…well, you’re likely to wind up with a mess, maybe a painful and expensive mess. Happy for a year isn’t worth ten years or more of pain, not in the prime of life.   You have to look past dating, Evan, there’s a whole world on the other side of the marriage, and things matter there, even when the marriage goes wrong. Which it does a little over half the time.

  17. 37
    K

    Amy I wanted to 100% disagree with what you are saying.   Instead I’m torn.   I’m torn between what you are saying and what Evan advocates.   Since the start of this year I have made it a goal to follow the things he advocates.   I have dated the shorter more beta types.   I feel like I’m getting there and see the error in my ways.   But so far even though I’ve met relationship guys who actually plan wonderful dates and follow up I haven’t met one I really wanted to kiss.   To be open minded I even kissed a few a few times to be sure.   I just feel so up in the air.   To the point where I think there is no one for me.   I either hold our for the type that will never come, or be so open minded and feel no attraction.   Believe me I’m really really trying to question all my preconceived notions.   I do have to say I’m enjoying the company of these new men and I’m enjoying the positive attention.   But in the same way as I would enjoy a new friend.

  18. 38
    Ria

    l wanted to jump in before and l do it now. I admire Amy ´s point of view in a way, but here is the thing with Karin NOT choosing Gary and why it ´s good she does choose Gary.

    Lets   imagine Karin – she is blond (about shoulder lenght hair), tall, dresses well (Prada, Valentino, Chanel), knows the labels by the latest trends, has strong opinion (and she  IS usually right), has her personal hair dresser in  her fast dial and all that jazz. Which is fab, and many look up for her. Except there is one thing – she has alwys failed to attract those hot charismatic alpha males for a long run and most probably, by the age of 42, she realizes that it ´s not only that she is *doing* anything wrong, but she is the *type* that just does not attract those alpha males in a long run. (Have you seen alpha male really going crazy for the girl HE wants? you know what l am saying). And there is no other way, but rethinking and replanning your action plan.

    So by the time she is 42, she actually (with the help of our Guru Evan) takes time and gets real about it. She will NEVER attract AM-s in a long run, but there is still colors and options for her in life, so kudos to Karin for realizing that. So she chooses Gary NOT because the last train has gone, but she  sees the new way of viewing at things. OK, she might not  have the *deepest sweet attraction mixed with the pain of uncertainty* she experienced  with those alphas who never stick aroudn for a long run, but l belive, that as smart as Karin is, she has enough brains and judgement ability  for choosing   Gary, because there are characteristics in him, that beats those Alphas in a long run. Trust me when l say – should Karin had seen some fundamental laws in Gary, she would not have chosen. But she did. So obviously how Gary made her feel was a big difference of what she had experienced before and that mattered.

  19. 39
    Still-Looking

    Amy @ 40 – I apologize for my original response to you.   I misconstrued what you said.   I may not agree with everything you have said but it is always nice to read a well written counterpoint.

    K @ 41 – I believe many of us share the same feelings you expressed.   I guess that’s why I’m Still-Looking. 🙂  

  20. 40
    Gradient

    @Amy You’re putting what is essentially an impression of Gary into boxed stereotypes based on your own experiences with men. Just because he is a teacher doesn’t mean he is a kid who doesn’t care about money and will leech off Karin. You should think about getting some grey in between those black and white extremes in your mind. Just because you’ve been hurt and messed around by men doesn’t mean that you are justified in seeing the world the way you do and raining on others’ parade. If you (and others) want to be cynical, fine, great, go right ahead. But please don’t assume that that is everyone’s reality because we create our own realities and manifest what we believe. Besides, you seem very materialistic (not a gold digger, you are just stuck in that ‘buy me stuff to show me you care’ headspace). Meh.

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