Is Online Dating Different for Men and Women?

Is Online Dating Different for Men and Women?

Do women have it a lot easier than men, and do hot people in general have it the easiest? I know what you might be thinking: yes and yes. It’s hardly the unsolved question of the century.

However, it’s always good to back up hypotheses with facts, and that’s what Jon Millward did with this experiment, posted on his eponymous blog. Millward created 10 fake OKCupid profiles with similar sounding usernames, with the same written profile, personal stats, level of education, etc. The only difference? Each account had a different photo of a man or woman of varying attractiveness.

In online dating, we have the “perception of choice”, but not actual choice itself.

What he discovered isn’t particularly revelatory, but it does echo something I’ve said here repeatedly about online dating – we have the “perception of choice”, but not actual choice itself.

“The expanded horizons offered by online dating don’t equal unrestricted access to a ready and waiting list of beautiful people. Every man and woman online still has criteria that must be met by people who want to date him or her, and every guy and girl is still in direct competition with every other person of their gender… Whereas before a man just needed to be the best looking guy at work to get a date with a colleague, now he needed to be in the top 10% of all men to get a date with one of the women in his city.”

This is the double-edged sword of online dating. You have far more access to singles than ever before. But so does everyone else. Which means that there’s also far more COMPETITION.

Especially when it comes to men trying to write to women. For all the talk about “The End of Men” and how gender roles have been obliterated and women can write to men first, blahblahblah, here’s what ACTUALLY happened after four months:

• The women as a group received over 20 times more messages than the men.

• The two most attractive women received 83% of all messages.

• The two most attractive women probably would have received several thousand more if their inboxes hadn’t have reached maximum capacity.

• It took 2 months, 13 days for the most popular woman’s inbox to fill up. At the current rate it would take the most popular man 2.3 years to fill up his.

And what do men write? Well, you’ve seen this a few times before:

“Most men compliment the attractive women a lot, they make reference to something in the woman’s profile (you would not believe how many times men mentioned the party tricks and ‘Arrow’ the cheetah from the generic profile I wrote), or they ask a general question about travel or something equally boring.”

What SHOULD he write instead? In case it’s not obvious: Demonstrate creativity, intelligence and a great sense of humour

• Be totally different to anything she may have received before
• Be obviously unique and not a cut-and-paste job
• Show that I’ve read her profile and absorbed facts about her
• Not be needy!

I have dedicated an entire volume of my bestselling audio series, Finding the One Online to how to write emails just like this.

Online dating may be a jungle, but it’s a jungle with a LOT of single people, so it’s best to learn how to master the process.

As a woman, your takeaway is that while you may get frustrated at the lack of quality responses, put yourself in a man’s shoes. He has no idea what to write in his first email to you, and he’s competing with hundreds of men for your attention. Be patient, write a better profile, and learn not to get so frustrated with men, and you can enjoy online dating a lot more.

As a man, your takeaway is that the competition is fierce, and thus far, you have not been up to it. Stop blaming Match or women or your city for your failures and learn to market yourself more effectively.

If you’ve been frustrated with your online dating experience, click here and I’ll help you change your tune.

The full study can be seen here.

Join our conversation (272 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 31

    If action isn’t you why take an action shot? It needs to be authentic of something you love or like doing who you really are in real life. Not contrived, that just comes of as either fake or desperate. Not really realtionship material if you are not comfortable showing the real you.
    If someone has loads of action shots though, will they have time for you and a realtionship? Or will they be too busy with all their activities?

  2. 32

    @ Evan — yes, these photos are very natural-looking. I think my photog ruined it with a studio background. He also might’ve gone overboard with retouching. Looking at your link, I can definitely see the difference. If I ever do this again, I’m having them take me outside for sure!
    @ JB, as a woman who has still retained some of her decent looks (heh heh), I chose my photos based on my target audience. I had a pic of me rappelling (with a caption saying that I only did that once, because my son flipped upside down on a cliff, didn’t like it, and so we never went back), canoeing, couple photos of me taken in places I’ve visited recently (one was from DC… nothing fancy, I can only afford very low-budget travel), portrait picture, dog picture, that’s about it. I could’ve posted something sexy in skimpy clothes, but then I’d have gotten emails from men that I have nothing in common with. Then again, I only dated online for several months in 2010 and another several months in 2011, nothing close to your 17 years. So my experience is limited. (I had an amazing time though, and met some great people that I’m still in touch with, so it’d have to count for something.) And, I agree that it’s pretty difficult to take a good picture of anyone in their biking clothes. My bf, and quite a few of my friends, are cyclists, but I don’t think any of them ever tried that kind of picture, because it’s impossible to get a good one (mmmm biking shorts! haha)
    I had one picture of myself sitting in an outdoor coffee shop in an artsy district in our area. I added a caption to it, saying that I was out having coffee with a friend, when a little old lady, who turned out to be a friend of my friend’s, walked up to us with her camera and took that picture. The old lady then emailed the picture, telling me to make sure I put it into my profile, because it’d get me a boyfriend. (This really happened.) Now for some kind of guys, this photo and this story would be a turn-off, but I was going for the geeky type. I knew they’d love it, and they did. Everyone I met would comment on how much they liked that picture and the backstory. (Also, the picture worked, it did get me a boyfriend. lol)
    @ Rose
    “If someone has loads of action shots though, will they have time for you and a realtionship? Or will they be too busy with all their activities?”
    My take on it is, you look for someone who does the same thing you do, or the things you want to try, so the two of you can do them together. This BTW really helps extend your date beyond the usual “dinner and a walk back to your car”. I’ve gone on a few hiking dates and they were fun (cheaper than a dinner, too). Doesn’t have to be “loads”, though, IMO half a dozen is fine. But I agree with you that the photos would have to reflect who you are. If you’re in front of your TV all the time, be upfront about it. Embrace yourself.
    I agree with you that, if I see pictures of a guy mountain-climbing, paragliding or doing other things I wouldn’t do, I’d probably assume I wouldn’t fit into their lifestyle. But the thing is, my assumption would be correct. I really wouldn’t fit into it. And I highly doubt that a man who goes mountain-climbing every chance he gets, would give that up just to date me. Even I am not that awesome 🙂

  3. 33

    @ Sparkling Emerald #31 I was pointing that more towards Goldie ie proving that when I put up a couple “doing nothing” shots of an attractive successful man. He got tons of responses meaning that you don’t HAVE to have “action pics” in a profile because most women are as superficial as men if not more and could care less. They just want to see what a guy looks like and preferably see that he has some “style”. Which my own profile shows. I know we men aren’t “deep” when we contact. We contact everyone we vaguely find attractive just to see what “sticks” and then we play those hands. I myself would be more likely to email the “plain Jane” who trains seeing eye dogs than the blond with big boobs BUT…. I’d probably contact both of them if I thought they were both attractive to see which one of THEM finds me attractive if either?
    @Rose #33 & Goldie…..I’m very active, I bike, rollerblade, play tennis and go out dancing 2 nights a week. The pics I would take of me doing those 3 things don’t look attractive. Do you really need to see a pic of me in baseball hat & sun glasses biking, blading, or playing tennis sweating just so that you can see I really AM active? Or one of me dancing at a bar which would only lower my value in most women’s eyes….why? Because I’m dancing in a bar having fun….lol So I get pigeon holed as “bar guy”. So I just leave those pics out. The number one rule in my mind of putting up photo’s in a profile is only put up a photo that YOU believe increases your value in the opposite sexes mind not lower it and most pics do one or the other. I can’t tell you how many women shoot themselves in the foot by putting too many pics some of which are very good…..then you see the 4 bad ones and we go……….I dunno……maybe not and don’t email them. Sometimes less is more. Present the best YOU got. Not the best, the mediocre, and the horrible. And for godsakes ladies stop putting up pics of “average” you and your 2 hot girlfriends!!!….LOL It doesn’t make us want YOU. It makes us look at THEM!

  4. 34
    Sparkling Emerald

    Rose – 33
    “If action isn’t you why take an action shot?”
    Action doesn’t have to be a sport, it could petting a dog, playing piano, etc.  I don’t expect to see action shots, although a few are nice, as long as there are pics that give a clear shot of the face. (Pet Peeve, profiles with ONLY action shots, such as rappelling, where you can’t even see the person’s face)
    “If someone has loads of action shots though, will they have time for you and a realtionship? Or will they be too busy with all their activities?
    Hopefully, once in a relationship, there will be some common interests and these activities will now be done together.  Also, depending on the activity, could be a basis for a future date.  I actually prefer hiking, biking or going on an art walk for early dates.  Save the 5 star dining after we’ve established a romantic connection.  Having a picture of someone riding their bike, on top of a mountain or in front of the art museum, gives the other a clue as to what kind of activity to plan for those first few dates.

  5. 35

    Personally I prefer photos of men who are decently dressed, not showing too many details from their private lives, such as close friends hugging them or showing off about a huge fish they´ve just caught and similar things. The reason is if I met them on the street or in a theatre, I wouldn´t immediatley know all these things about him, so for me it´s more natural when I just see a neutral picture. I like it when a man is alone as if he was waiting to meet a woman like me! (-:

  6. 36

    I agree  that action could be all of those things. Either an action shot or a sitting a being shot, either is good as long as not contrived. So I get what Evan is saying re professional pics, they are ok so long as they are taking a professional pic of you just doing or being what you do.
    Lol me and my girlfriends are all hot just in different ways. After about the first 30 second of hearing what a man has to say his visual hotness means nothing to me. Doesn’t matter how hot you look if you are not able to engage me and a deeper level than looks. Or how hot you think I look looks have nothing to do with who we are and  if someone is able to be in and do a real realtionship and attraction on a deep level.  I feel disinterested and turned off being treated like a trophy, object and accessory to show to anyone’s  mates.
    Depends what the individual wants, surface sociability based on shallow meaningless stuff based on how someone looks and appears on the surface. do we like the same food music etc.
    Or deep meaningful,  take of that mask,raw, real, authentic, inner core matches that compliment each other hotter than hot omg yes give me more than of that. 🙂
    The latter feels better to me.

  7. 37
    Sparkling Emerald

    Rose 38
    “Or deep meaningful,  take of that mask,raw, real, authentic, inner core matches that compliment each other hotter than hot omg yes give me more than of that.”
    It takes a while to discover if you are compatible below the surface, weather you met in person, online, through a friend, or school.  Weather the person posted nothing but “neutral pics” or a “shallow” pic of them working in their prize winning garden. 
    Just because someone wants a few common interests in a partner, doesn’t mean they want a “shallow” relationship. Just because someone doesn’t drop their mask, and reveal their deepest inner core on a first date doesn’t make them shallow.  And just because someone likes your looks, or you like their looks, doesn’t mean you can’t relate beyond that.  It just means if you do discover that the person you are physically attracted to also over time reveals an inner core that meshes with your inner core, you know you are already attracted to them, and you don’t have to try and “learn to love them” and then write a painful letter to EMK about how you are in a relationship or even married to someone with whom you feel no chemistry.
    I have, in the past, tried to “learn to love” the “nice guy” that I wasn’t initially attracted to, because I thought he was someone who I SHOULD be attracted to.  I had hopes that they would grow on me in time, because we had similar values, and they were so nice and devoted, etc.  Didn’t work.  I don’t consider myself shallow for not being able to love every good and decent guy I meet who is interested in me.
    Sometimes (ok many times) I have found myself attracted to someone who was a bad match for me.  I have learned from painful experience to walk away.  Of course, sometimes if the guy is a REAL jerk (narcissist, player, etc.) that eventually my attraction wanes, and then walking away is easy.

  8. 38

    @ elli #37 “I like it when a man is alone as if he was waiting to meet a woman like me!”  Exactly what I’m trying to convey in my pics. 🙂 My pics show exactly who’ll show up when I go on a meet & greet along with the style. I’ve already heard “you look better than your pics” a few times this year. The facts in my profile may be “enhanced” and or “stretched” a bit….. but what you see IS what you’ll get and that’s still 99% of a possible successful meet & greet. It puts women at ease right away.

  9. 39
    Sparkling Emerald

    Just out of curiosity, how do you feel (you meaning anyone who has weighed in on the pictures thing) about pictures with the kids or grand kids ?
    I don’t mind them (I get pic of guys with the grand kids), as long it is a clear, recent picture of the face.
    I think the guy is just trying to convey that he’s a family man, or perhaps, that really is the best pic he has.
    Another pet peeve, pictures of vehicles.  Just makes me think WTF ? I want to date a man, not his truck or motorcycle !

    1. 39.1

      I don’t think pictures with children are appropriate or if you have them blur their faces. Just a pet peeve of mine.   Or make sure you have the co parents permission or both parents permission of not your child.  By the way I’m not a parent but I am a lawyer.  So I’m coming from that perspective.  You can convey that message without the pics, but you can get yourself into a pickle with them.

  10. 40

    JB @ 35
    We contact everyone we vaguely find attractive just to see what “sticks” and then we play those hands. I myself would be more likely to email the “plain Jane” who trains seeing eye dogs than the blond with big boobs BUT…. I’d probably contact both of them if I thought they were both attractive to see which one of THEM finds me attractive if either?
    This is exactly my style also. Just curious if you go through phases where too many women reply or sometimes none at all.  It seems like I can go along my week with no dates planned because nothing stuck and then all of a sudden I am talking with and making plans with 3 different women in a matter of 1 day. Such a rollercoaster and no rhyme or reason why it goes this way.

    1. 40.1

      I get your method and I think most guys use it but it’s also the reason a lot of other guys get so frustrated with online dating and many women like me just stop.   I rarely emailed guys because I got so many emails I could not keep up with them but if I did I made sure I matched what they were looking for.   The problem was that a very large number of the men that emailed me just looked at my pics and never read my profile and we were incompatible on very basic levels.  But because I had to spend so much time weeding through those emails I never got to the emails from the guys that I was genuinely compatible with.   I’d rather have 10 emails a day from genuinely compatible people than 50 from people I would never consider dating which is perfectly clear from my profile.  So next time another guy complains about no one emailing him back talk to yiur fellow men!

  11. 41
    Sparkling Emerald

    John 42
    “It seems like I can go along my week with no dates planned because nothing stuck and then all of a sudden I am talking with and making plans with 3 different women in a matter of 1 day. Such a rollercoaster and no rhyme or reason why it goes this way.”
    That happens to me too.  I end up hiding and unhiding my profiles because I can only handle e-mailing, phone talking, and arranging dates with so many guys at once.  It gets tricky trying to remember what I’ve already said to whom.  I probably need to start printing out our e-mail exchanges, & keeping a log of our phone conversation.

  12. 42

    I am willing to concede I could be wrong, but my sense is, when a guy chats you up once and then says “drop me a line sometime”, he is not that interested and I just move on.  I had one do that recently, then had another one get mad because I didn’t pursue after one conversation.  All we discussed in the initial chat was what turns him on.  Didn’t really indicate much interest in me as a person.  But then getting upset with me because I didn’t chase after?  Oy vey.  He said in his e-mail he was “better off alone”. I believe him.

  13. 43

    @John #42 “It seems like I can go along my week with no dates planned because nothing stuck and then all of a sudden I am talking with and making plans with 3 different women in a matter of 1 day”
    Yeah it happens to me too but I think it happens to a lot of people but probably way more to women. When it happens to me it’ll sort itself out naturally. Women just get overwhelmed…LOL I liken it to…….the imaginary scenario of a beautiful woman walks into a bar and 100 men all approach her at once. What would she do? Of course we know when a beautiful woman walks into a bar everyone stares but very few if any approach.
    @Sparkling Emerald # 41. As far as pics of kids?? Even women don’t agree on this one. Some think it’s an absolute no no and some splatter 10 pics of 7 and 10 yr. olds. I saw one yesterday of her probably 10 yr old in a 2 piece bathing suit! I don’t mind 1 or 2 but not 15 of them and 2 of you. I’d rather women put the AGES of their kids in a profile rather than the pics. I’m sure Evan doesn’t coach his clients to put kids pics in profiles.

  14. 44
    B Ross

    I’m not at all surprised with the stats given in the article.  I’ve seen lots of poor quality mug shots, terrible grammar, old and worn out one liners and would you believe overt profanity from people who I’ve only just met online.
    I can understand why some people get jack of the whole thing and just live their lives hoping for some half decent individual to cross their paths in the flesh and not in cyber space.

  15. 45

    It would have been nice if he used at least one picture of a very pretty black woman. Although it wouldn’t have been news to me if she got the exact opposite number of messages as the pretty white woman, it would have at least showed some consideration of the online dating experience of attractive, quality black women who can’t beat the realities of what race means to dating.

  16. 46

    @ Sparkling Emerald #41
    I wouldn’t know what to think of it. Would definitely not post my kids’ photos on my dating profile myself. But that’s to protect my children’s privacy. My sons would blow a fuse if they saw their own photos on my dating profile, and they would be 100% right! I guess a picture of a guy holding a baby grandkid is okay. The baby looks like a million other babies, the guy shows his softer side, and the end result is cute, like a picture of the same guy with a dog would be. Anything else, like a photo of a man with his preteen children, I’d say he’s treading on thin ice and I’d rather not post those pics, just to be on the safe side.

  17. 47

    I’m not interested in dating your kids or your pets (or your nieces and nephews.) That you have either or both should be indicated in the profile. I like to see a photo of your face and a photo of your head to toe (at least below hips) shape — i.e. what you look like. Without a photo of your shape I’m forced by experience to assume the worst or that you’re terribly uncomfortable with the way you’re shaped. (see number 4 here:

    1. 47.1

      So I’m not the only one who gets annoyec of seeing pics of men with their kids.  I get it that people have kids but seeing pics of a guy with kids is just a turn-off, especially when these men also put in their profiles that their kids come first.  I actually saw an ad by a man that said something like “My daughter is my world and she comes first.  If you can’t accept that, don’t bother replying!”

      Yeah, like childless women will be chomping at the bit after seeing such an ad; and these same men aren’t pursuing women with children.


  18. 48

    Frommel  49
    Yes I also just want to see at least a clear face and a body shot of a guy . What could be more simple! 
    There are so many guys that post pictures with other women which to me makes them look like they don’t really have room for a new woman in their lives. 
     One guy has a picture with his daughter with huge breast implants who is standing , in a bikini, with him  ( She was the spitting image of him so I do think she was his daughter )…… I can’t fathom their judgment …;-)

  19. 49

    Lots of thoughts:
    I also don’t post picture of my kids to protect their privacy and also, because you are not dating my kids
    Two of the women had a lot of responses; the other three were comparable to the mens.  So of the ten total – only TWO got a lot of emails.  Yes they were both women.  
    I agree about not posting pictures of kids, pets, extended family.  In the same way, I am also not dating your last hunting trophy, your motorcycle, or your vehicle. 
    Speaking of profiles: I’m so excited because I am going to take the plunge and have e-cyrano write my profile for me!  With Evans post about pictures; i’ll have to consider that as well.

  20. 50

    @ Frimmel, yes that’s pretty common knowledge in my experience that guys have to see a woman’s full body shot, not just the portrait (totally understandable). I don’t know about pets though. Personally, I was much more likely to reply to a guy who had a cute dog in one of his pictures — one, that meant we could walk our dogs together, and two, CUTE! Maybe I’m weird and no other woman is like that. Don’t know. FTR, my bf did not have any photos with pets in his profile, probably because he didn’t have any pets. I didn’t rule him out because of that 🙂

  21. 51

    I think this discussion of what photos are of value is interesting.    Certainly including more than just the standard head shot and full body image could impact the number of responses and the quality of responses. Personally I prefer to have a couple additional photos that reflect what’s important in their life (aside from children).  It can give me a glimpse into where they like to spend their time and what kind of lifestyle they prefer. 
    For instance, if a man has a picture showing him enjoying a sunset on a beach, boating on a lake, or traveling domestically or internationally, my interest level goes up a notch and I’ll take a second look at his profile even if he’s not the most attractive man in the bunch.  These are the things I love to do in my free time.  If he shows pictures riding his favorite horse, I’ll be less interested because I know that the lifestyle is generally not one I’d be interested in.  Having a dog in the picture doesn’t have a great impact on me.  I love dogs, but don’t see this as a lifestyle issue. 
    Ful disclosure: I’ve been in a relationship for 2+ years so no need to online date, but I still find Evan’s column fascinating and the comment section entertaining!

  22. 52

    I don’t mind if they show pictures doing things I don’t normally do  because I love to try new things.
    I don’t really care for the bare chested bathroom mirror shot.  What are they thinking?

  23. 53
    Sparkling Emerald

    Just Me – 54
       LOL to the bare chested bathroom mirror shot !
       One person I am currently in phone communication with did post a pic of him with his infant granchild, but I could clearly see his (the guy, not the baby) smiling face.  In our phone conversations it came out that this infant is now 4 years old, and he quickly (maybe a bit too quickly) added that he still looks like that, and he only posted it, because it is the best pic he had.  I have seen other profiles with pic of their grown children. And some of all ages in between. 
      My profile consists of  some good, clear, close up, smiling, snap shots, a few of me in costume for community theater (which is mentioned in my profile, so no one wonders WTF is with tiara ??????? ) 2 full lengths, and one of me on my bike at a charity bike ride.  A friend of mine took it, and I was surprised that it came out nicely.  It was a candid, but I had a nice smile on my face.
      The interesting thing is, everyone will have a different opinion on this.  Some will say the community theater shots or the bike shot is a turn off for some reason, others will think it is cool, because the person gets a better idea of what I look like and will SEE what I like, and not just read it on my profile.  I find that interesting.  I’ve been on other online dating forums, and there is no consensus on this, and other online dating issues.  In a case like this, I’ll do what I want to do, because I can’t please everyone anyway.  But the pics that get the most “likes” are my close up portraits. 
      Thanks everyone for you opinion on the kids issue.

  24. 54

    I post the body shot because I am far far far from the desirable type of figure so I know it will weed pretty much everybody out from the get go.  If anyone decent still contacts me at that point, then maybe it’s worth pursuing.

  25. 55

    @ Goldie #52:
    I think the issue is with people who include pictures of only their pets.  It’s different if the pic shows you interacting with your pet.  Same with cars, or artwork, or the pic you took of the Eiffel Tower.

  26. 56

    I love pics of women with their pooch! 🙂 Just makes me smile. No problem with pet pics…lol

  27. 57

    Oh and by the way…………Is it wrong to return a wink from a woman with …”you look like my brother” even if THEY DO?
    I’m sorry but as a woman if you choose to have short “dykey spikey” hair and look masculine you can’t expect most heterosexual men to be attracted to you or email you back…..just sayin…
    The difference between men and women as they get older? As some women age they look masculine, but NO men that I’ve ever come across look more feminine as they get older…. oh well……. They may be more docile as the testosterone decreases but not fem.

  28. 58

    Despite the results, you can sense the authors and commenters’ discomfort and their extreme reluctance to acknowledge the unmistakable advantages women have in the realm of dating, attraction, courtship and sex.
    Since the terms ‘women’ and ‘privilege’ in the same sentence amount to blasphemy. T
    he topic is very thorny and surrounded by a lot of political correctness. After all there should be focus on how to make the genders be perceived “having it equal” even at the expense of logic and evidence.

    Women’s ordeal to sift through 100’s of messages is seen as a ‘problem’ of equal magnitude as men not getting ANY message at all after months. We are even meant to sympathize with the woman who gets 100’s of messages because she faces a clerical problem. It speaks volumes of how privileged and entitled women are in the realm of (online) dating.
    While a man has to stand out in terms of looks, physique, career, lifestyle, confidence, personality, outgoing nature etc; write a well articulated profile; and come up with a perfect witty message just to get noticed and have a handful of women respond to him; a woman can be mediocre in every aspect, have her life in the toilet and still have dozens of men interested in and message her.
    Yes it is a privilege. It’s a privilege to have the option to sift through a 100 offers, shortlist a handful of the best looking, most interesting, most attractive men to interact with and finally choose 2 or 3 for dating; when you want, where you want, how you want. All the while she just sits there and has nothing to prove to those men, because they already find her acceptable / attractive (hence they initiate contact)  All the while the onus being on the men to prove themselves they’re good enough for her.
    Instead of recognizing women’s privilege; their favorable / bargaining / advantageous position in online dating; instead of telling women that they don’t have a shortage of men and dating options; MEN are being told that the problem lies with them. We are being purposely blinded by the women’s perspective no matter how unreasonable it is.
    Men are told how most of the messages sent by them failed to ignite a spark in the women recipients, how the majority of profiles are not well written, were too similar, repetitive and thus bore women. I can only imagine the horrors and the agony. (Nevermind women who can’t be arsed about grammatical mistakes still get dozens of offers)

    Evan, please don’t feed their sense of entitlement and their spoilt nature. Please tell them that there is no shortage of men and if they don’t want to date them, THAT’s OK. But its their own self-imposed limitation.

  29. 59

    Tim  # 60 
    You sound like a very bitter guy.
    It actually IS a major clerical problem and I have no sense of entitlement. I put up an array of great pictures and composed a profile and username based on what Evan recommended which took much thought and creativity and humor. There are plenty of unique references in my profile that could be an anchor for a funny one liner.  I have a full time  job though, so sifting through most of the garbage is time consuming. 
    Most messages I get say ” yum”  “You’re hot ” ” hi ” “how are you”  Then I get messages from guys who I can’t see the photos of clearly who try to negotiate why they don’t want to be judged on how they look but are contacting me based on my appearance. Then there are the guys with no photos claiming to be James Bond or some other VIP. Then there are the hoards of cut and paste messages. Then I get messages from the guy who said ‘Yum” who is pissed off I didn’t respond to that profound message.  Then there a the overwhelming amount of winks and likes that take no effort and are impersonal.
    Perhaps if you put up a fake profile of an attractive woman you will see what it is.
    Its not easy for either sex. Women though are judged predominantly on their appearance God help a woman who is not attractive, because she is ignored, as the article implies .  

    1. 59.1

      What do you think men go through to send you a message? They have to sift through profiles before even sending the message… except for the ones who use automated software to spam these sites because they have better things to do than spend all day looking for good profiles, perfecting their own, crafting the perfect first message, then repeating that a hundred times… yea, God help a woman who is not attractive, she might end up having to face the horror of being treated like an attractive man.

  30. 60

    “The fact that the first stage of online dating is so heavily stacked in women’s favor doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s any easier for them, compared to men, to reach the end goal of pure love or perfect sex “
    Yesh, the end goal of pure love (I’m glad you didn’t say the end goal of a happily married ever after)
    Why is there a fixation on the end goal, I wonder?
    Is it because by focusing on the ‘end goal’ or ‘destination’ and disregarding the ‘journey’; it becomes easier to downplay the advantages women have in the realm of dating, courtship and sex?  Does it make it easier to portray that men and women have it equal?
    Because most men and women, do end up in LTR’s and marriage, and thus some may argue they all have it equal. 
    You might as well argue that since all humans die in the end, we all have it equal. But life is a journey rather than a destination.
    Why are we supposed to pretend that the aim of all dating and sex is to find a lifelong, committed relationship and anything else is failure and meaningless?
    Why are we supposed to conveniently disregard that what us humans fundamentally want/need is sex, physical intimacy, companionship and validation and it is a lot easier for women to obtain these things than it is for men?  We’d be kidding ourselves if we believe that in this day and age a big relationship or marriage is necessary to obtain these things. People are already doing it.
    There is a bustling casual dating, sex, flings, FwB, hooking up scene out there. Relationships are becoming more fluid. There are plenty of women who are not interested in settling down (yet) and just want sex, companionship and fun. Is it not an advantage to these women that the initial stages of dating are are heavily stacked in their favor?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *