Love Happens When You Least Expect It — NOT!!!


I was talking with a client today and she told me that her friends laughed at her when she mentioned she’d be working with me.

“You don’t need a dating coach,” they crowed. “You’re amazing, successful, and confident. Just take care of your work and family and love will take care of itself.”

Not quite.

“Love Happens When You Least Expect It” is a myth, and it’s a myth I want to dispel from your mind forever.

In this myth, good things happen to you because you’re worthy.

In this myth, the universe provides because you think happy thoughts.

In this myth, the laws of physics and logic do not apply.

Why do I suggest that falling in love without effort is a fantasy?

Because your real life isn’t built for falling in love. If it was, you would have done it already.

“Love Happens When You Least Expect It” is a myth, and it’s a myth I want to dispel from your mind forever.

What is your life built for? Well, take a look at your schedule. Maybe it’ll be obvious.

6:30am-7:30am — Wake up, hit the gym.
8:30am-9:00am — Drive to work. Love those wacky Morning Zoo guys.
9:00am-6:30pm — Work. But don’t date at work. You know how that story ends.
6:30-7:15pm — Drive home from work. Commuting is fun!
7:15-8:30pm — Decompress from work, make dinner for one.
8:30pm-10:30pm — Nighttime activity: TV, book club, surfing the web, putting the kids to bed.

This schedule varies, of course. You may go to the gym after work. You may not commute. You may find television to be a huge waste of time. But chances are, if you’re working, this is approximately what your life looks like during the week.

On weekends, you have more freedom. So, what are you doing with your weekends?

Errands that you can’t do during the week.
Relaxing that you can’t do during the week.
Catching up with friends you don’t see during the week.

Well, at least you could potentially meet someone while you’re dropping off your dry cleaning, right? At least you can go to a bar for a drink and meet someone cute, right?

Sure, you can!

So let me ask you: how many times last year did you get a great date out of someone you met “in real life”?

And, if I might pry, where are those great guys now?

What you’ll probably see when you take a good, clear look at your life is that “meeting quality new people for potential life partnership” is not built into your schedule.

Yet, you probably feel that love should just “happen” because “it’s more organic” when you can just “feel chemistry” with a cute stranger from across the room.

But what stranger? What room?

Your office? Your bedroom? Your living room?

Where are you meeting these promising new romantic prospects?

If love happens when you’re least looking for it, why isn’t it happening to you now?

The reason I’m an advocate of online dating isn’t because it’s perfect. Far from it. It’s because “real life” doesn’t provide for nearly as much opportunity as you need.

If love happens when you’re least looking for it, why isn’t it happening to you now?

To be clear, I’m not saying you need a dating coach. Seriously. If you’ve got a social life like the women from Sex and the City, you probably have no shortage of opportunities.

But you most likely don’t. You probably work long hours, have a bunch of friends who are way over the bar scene, and you have no idea where to meet the love of your life.

And while I can’t promise you that it’s on Match or eHarmony or JDate, I can promise you that it’s NOT happening while you’re on the Stairmaster, while you’re watching TV, or while you’re hanging out in your married friends’ homes.

For some reason, we’re conditioned to think that love should be effortless.

But what, in life, is effortless?

You took classes to get into college, you took classes to learn to drive, and you’ve probably taken classes to learn to cook or play tennis or sell real estate.

Wouldn’t it make sense to take a class on something that’s been eluding you, like love?

Understand: being proactive about love is not the same as being desperate.

Creating room for a social life doesn’t mean you go on 5 blind dates each week.

All I’m talking about is improving your process of meeting single people. That’s it.

If you only go on a handful of dates a year, you’re not giving yourself much of an opportunity to find love. That’s not fair to you, and it’s unlikely to be successful in the long run.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” — Ben Franklin.

Keep waiting for love to happen to you, and you’re pretty much ensuring that comes true.

Love takes effort. If you make that effort, I will help you succeed.

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  1. 41

    Good things happen to you not because you’re “worthy of them”, but because you’re in THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME! It’s not that love happens when you least expect it, but it happens when you’re meeting new people but not looking for a relationship with them. As a I guy, I’ve found that actively looking for love doesn’t work because it causes you to be perceived as desperate and that is unattractive. You need to put yourself around the right people, but you also need to be relaxed because putting pressure on yourself is easy to detect.

  2. 42

    Nothing is left to fate. If you want anything in life, you have to work for it. For me, finding a relationship isn’t hard. It’s finding a good one that’s the problem. I wouldn’t say I actively look but I try and put myself in situations where I’m likely to meet like-minded people.

  3. 43

    I think the one valuable thing that can be taken from the “Love happens when you least expect it” mindset is that you should go on a date with a positive vibe trying to stay in the moment, rather than expecting it to happen on the first date each time you meet a new guy. The literal meaning is indeed a myth. I don’t see how someone should be encouraged to   go straight home after work and   should expect him to show up one day without putting herself out there much.

  4. 44

    “As a I guy, I’ve found that actively looking for love doesn’t work because it causes you to be perceived as desperate and that is unattractive. You need to put yourself around the right people, but you also need to be relaxed because putting pressure on yourself is easy to detect.”
    Exactly Anton. I found this to be particularly true with job interviews. If you are desperate they can smell it from a mile away and will not hire you. Ironically, if you have a good position or know you can land a good position and come in there with a “why should I work for you” mentality they will hire you!

  5. 45

    “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you want to waste your time and money (and the other person’s) meeting someone you’ve only exchanged TWO brief messages with? At a bare minimum, do a phone screen first, save yourself some time. I have found a phone convo a pretty good indication of what will happen on the actual date.”
    My friend has a 90%+ response rate on Match. Meaning 90%+ of the time he contacts a woman, they reply. He is pretty certain after talking to hundreds of women online that emails and phone conversations don’t tell you at all whether you’ll like that person when you meet.

  6. 46
    S. Aleem

    I have to disagree with this article and most of the comments posted. I believe the reason ‘love’ isn’t happening for people is because they don’t love their life. Commute, Work, Commute, Dinner, Kids to bed, Start all over again sounds like a boring life that I wouldn’t want to introduce a potential mate to. People get so focused on finding ‘love’ that they forget to ‘do’ things they truly love without thinking about meeting that ‘special’ someone. Why not picking up fun hobbies that force you to interact and genuinely meet new people? Once   your life starts to fulfill you, you can meet that fulfilling partner. Get out of the monotony and start enjoying your single life. I’m sure the energy you put off as a result will attract so many potential mates into your life.

  7. 47
    Vanessa B

    so me so far:
    i will be 28 in a couple of months
    dated only four men in my whole life
    never had anything last longer than 3 months
    in between those dates is a long wait in between usually two years in between, all of the men treated me badly,, ive never had an emotional connection, always a case of liking them more than they liked me
    My last date was seven years ago and even though i havent been “looking”   still nothing has happened since.  
    I get jealous and angry when people i know are in long term relationships/married
    if i never persued any one i would have never had a first kiss and i would still be a virgin ( i wish i still was a virgin)
    so yes i beleive this is a myth because it doesnt ring true for everyone. Some people are magnets other people arent. Thats just the way it is and ive only just learnt to accept it.

  8. 48

    This reminds me a lot of when I was young and in church and they would tell the women to stay at home and pray for a husband.   Theoretically, they would walk into a supermarket and a man would all of a sudden say that he wanted to marry them and after about three dates to confirm his choice, they would get married.   The only other choice would be the elders putting two people together and talking them into marrying each other.

    In some instances, these things did happen, but many of them were not in happy marriages but they could not get a divorce, because the church did not believe in divorce.  

    I have no problem praying for a husband, but I do think that it is unrealistic to continue about a daily routine waiting for him to show up.   At the least, date online while praying for love and seeing what happens is probably the best method.  

  9. 49

    I don’t think that love happens when you least expect it saying should be taken so literally though. It means do the things you love, keep an open mind and love will find you at the right time.  
      Personally, I just turned 30 and I’ve been single for the past 6+ years.   I have dated people, met a lot of guys but yet to find someone I could have something lasting with. I believe love will come when it does till then I’ll keep enjoying my European travels, doing things I enjoy, developing myself, being there for my friends and family. I’ve never been a fan of just being with someone for the hell of it. If you desire something then you have to stand by your resolve to hold on till you find it.  

    One is better off alone than being in a hellish relationship.   

  10. 50

    At   21

    Gee am I the only one but when Im online….I rarely send out HEAPS of emails or kisses or whatever you call them on mass to men in my age group (45-55)….as there arent that many quality men out there as their profile, interests or photos do not match what Im looking for.  

    So I can easily deal with the one or 2 at the most at a time.   So I guess I prefer to watch a good movie or read a book then have to write so many emails off to randoms Im not interested in getting to know. And realistically, I know its going to take a while at this rate!! LOL

  11. 51

    I think that the saying ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it’ is more of just an expression and not something to live by. I mean I’m least expecting it right now and it’s not working. To me , this means that it may not be with your ideal type, or love at first at sight, or someone who hope to be with. It could be with someone you already know and never expected it. It could be with some one who you thought could never date but you did anyway. It could be that you’ve already found love but you just don’t know it yet. I agree with this article. You can’t just sit around and wait you gotta meet and greet people.

  12. 52
    Julie T

    OK! Here’s the issue with online dating. People pass each other up all the time based on what someone says, or what they look like… this happens ALL THE TIME! You read something and say, NEXT! When potentially the person can be a great match.

    I met my ex boyfriend of 5 years at a party — and we had class together. I had no interest in him, until I learned more about him. To date, he is the love of my life. The truth is meeting someone in person is easier than online. I’ve tried online dating for two years and it just doesn’t work for me, no matter how hard I try. I would just prefer to meet the person in person. Call me crazy.. but I’ll put my faith in God, pray, and hope for the best possible outcome. Why? Because at this point I have to let go, let God. He will deliver the best possible outcome when I least expect. This I believe.   

  13. 53

    I don’t know why but the love’s too much painful. I’s only 12 years when I fell in love for the first and last time.
    For me this sentence is the theory of love-
    Love gives pain and the pain enhances love.

    1. 53.1
      Karmic Equation

      I believe that person is called a masochist.

  14. 54

    online dating is the worst thing I have ever tried! I tried 2 years in a row and not even one date! what a waste of time and money…


  15. 55

    Einstein not Franklin

  16. 56

    It’s just a saying. If you least expect it or you do expect it I imagine it’s the same result. Therefore it is not valid. I’ve never asked a girl out in the supermarket or in a random place. If your waiting for that to happen ladies good luck. Will probably never happen. I can’t say I like online dating. Similar to others. The ‘ next’ factor is often present. Expectations are high for both parties. Suitors often do not meet requirements and quickly cast aside. Mindset pre date can make it like an interview.eeting through friends always found the easiest way for me. It’s All quite depressing to be honest. Older you get the harder it feels and you don’t deal with people s shit. Ah love!

    1. 56.1

      I hate this saying. It makes people who didn’t meet lasting love through happenstance feel guilty about ‘having’ to make an effort. The reality is that some people easily meet their fit in their younger years. Others need to go through trial and error and put themselves out there.

      I know it’s rather depressing, but i hope you don’t give up. One of my friends was nearly ready to throw in the towel and has now been dating the greatest man she has ever met for over a year. I ‘m really glad she persevered after she was ready to write herself out of online dating site. She is my inspiration for when it feels as if nothing is ever going to come from it after a row of dates with no mutual chemistry. I hope you find your own examples to inspire you.

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