My Boyfriend Refuses To Take Down His Online Dating Profile

29 Shares

My boyfriend – who is over 60 – has had more dates than anyone I know and still receives notifications of women who have emailed him constantly. He has told me about some of them and still hears from many of them. Since we have dated for almost two years, I asked him to cancel his online dating account. I cancelled mine.

We live together. Whenever I have to go to a social function, it shows that he has been on Match.com reviewing matches sent to him. I told him it was upsetting and we had a little verbal disagreement. After another social event that I attended with girlfriends, I found that he had done the same thing again. This time I am not saying anything, but feel he is always looking for something better.

How do I know this? My girlfriend who is on Match.com looked at his site for me (which is still posted) and said he had been on that day, just a few hours ago, which was while I was gone. Is he addicted? Is this normal human behavior? —Barb

An existential question:

If a man cheats openly on his live-in girlfriend, is he actually a cheater?

I don’t know, Barb, but the picture you’re painting is of a really unfortunate arrangement.

Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy. The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.

A man who is openly defying his two-year girlfriend to stay active on Match.

A woman who has so little self-esteem that she puts up with such defiant behavior.

Forgive me for the self-esteem line. I don’t know you. I’m not a psychologist. But your relationship does suggest a level of patience and tolerance that far exceeds the norm. And I’m not saying that in a good way.

Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy.

The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.

But if the company knows and doesn’t fire him, whose fault is it that the behavior continues? You got it: the company!

And if I’m the CEO, I’m gonna keep on openly embezzling.

Why not? There are no consequences to my behavior.

I do hate to be the one to burst your bubble, Barb.

But really, what do you think he’s DOING on Match each day? Do you think he’s just browsing, like people browse through the mall?

Or would you guess that a man who has a membership on a dating site is actually, you know… USING that site for its intended purposes — to meet new women?

Put it this way:

I don’t go to Amazon to browse books. I go there to buy.

I don’t go to the gym to not work out. I go there to swim.

There is simply no viable, reasonable, acceptable response he can make — even if, somehow, he has not met ANY new women since “committing” to you.

I’ll be the first to admit — online dating can be addicting — especially when you’re getting a lot of attention. There IS a temptation, for both men and women, to try to continually “trade up”. But the whole point of dating — for most of us, anyway — is to find one person that makes you want to quit altogether.

If your live-in boyfriend doesn’t want to quit, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend.

Oh, and by the way, don’t ask him to take his profile down. That’s not your solution. He’s already proven to be the worst kind of selfish, insensitive prick who can’t be trusted with slippery concepts such as “monogamy”.

The only way to fix this is to dump this him when you’re done reading this.

You probably won’t do it, Barb, but I’m really hoping that you do.

Join our conversation (106 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 41
    Jane

    I just want to say thanks for this post and comments. My so called boyfriend is as described a lying cheating scumbag, unfurtunely I am also pregnant by him which makes this even more difficult. I am going to follow the advice on this page and just pray that our lives turn out better.

    thank you xx

  2. 42
    cupcakelj

    Thank you for all of the comments and advice. I have a similar situation. Dating exclusively for a year now I asked him nicely 2x to get off the dating sites a few months ago. First he said he would and then he said he would get around to it. After catching him flirting with people on the dating sites that I knew…..how embarrassing is that …I had enough. I started out with high self esteem. I felt like I was the catch. I allowed him to disrespect me by not giving up the dating sites. I told him finally that he had one foot in with me and one foot in with the dating sites. That there is no way he could love me if he continued this behavior. And, that I needed a man with respect and integrity. He did not text me back. I trusted him. He said once that I should concentrate on how I feel when I am with him. My girlfriend said that I should concentrate on how I feel without him. I felt like shit when I was not with him because deep down I knew he was still searching. I was patient with him, did not put any demands on him, honestly thought that he would not find better but then I had to question myself for the lack of respect I was allowing. I am hurt and very mad at myself.

  3. 43
    Jane

    It’s great to read all of your responses here. I agree. Leave him. There’s no other option.  
    I found this thread because I was searching Evan’s site for references to sociopaths. Unfortunately, I’m drawn to them. I was in a mostly loving relationship for 7.5 years, and I’ve been mostly single for the past 3. The 3 guys I’ve dated in those 3 years have been very different from one another in many of the obvious ways, but have been strikingly similar in their underlying predatory natures: pathological liars–lying not only about their relationships but about everything, not just cheating but leading double lives in relationships with other women, and demonstrating remorseless about their behavior. Sadly, when I’ve looked into their pasts, I’ve seen these same patterns, but when I’ve warned their next targets, the women refuse to listen. I swear I would listen if an ex had warned me away! I also discovered, toward the end of my last relationship, that this man had not only kept his online profile even though we were looking at houses together and were talking about marriage and children, but that he changed his religious affiliation to back up one of his lies. I don’t know if the man in question in this post is of that devious sort, but please take my word for it–it’s best to not stick around to find out.

  4. 44
    Simpson

    Hi Evan, that’s interesting! My girlfriend also wanted me to take down my profile but you know what I did, I closed one and immediately went home and opened another one. LOL!

    It’s been an year now and everything is hidden in my private harddisk. XD

    1. 44.1
      Oracle

      Simpson #44

      you think this is funny?
      your not fooling her, your fooling yourself,
      karma will come & bite you where it hurts, you won’t be laughing then   

      1. 44.1.1
        starthrower68

        Why would Simpson refer to her as a girlfriend?   It would appear she is just a placeholder if that’s his mindset on the situation.   People don’t generally take kindly to being made into a fool.   

      2. 44.1.2
        Dorie Larue

        At least he is affirming what we all know. They just become sneakier.

  5. 45
    Mary

    Hi, I am in the same boat.   I met my boyfriend online, we have been seeing each other for 1 year.   He calls me everyday, we see each other 3 times a week.   He introduced me to his parents and friends as his girlfriend.   I took down my profile a month after we met, but he hid his profile so I could not see if he was still online.   One day, a friend of mine who he never met, told me that my boyfriend contacted her and wanted to meet her in a public place.   I confronted him and he apologized saying that he was just an idiot. He deleted his profile.   Then, 2 months later, another friend who he never met told me that he contacted her, and when I looked at his new profile, he said he was looking for a long term relationship.   He was quite persistent in wanting to meet her for coffee or lunch.   I am so hurt.   I was going to tolerate it because I love him, but it hurts so much knowing that he’s on a dating site looking for another woman.   He is 53 and I am 49.
    I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I did it before and it happened again.   So, I just sent him an email to say that it’s over.

  6. 46
    alexandre

    I can certainly relate. Thanks Evan for the no nonsense article. As I read through the comments I found myself relating …especially with the excuses these kinds of men make. The most loving and mature thing a woman can do is to value and validate her worth enough to walk away. The price you pay as a woman for not walking away is 10 times worse than going through the immediate pain of a break up. Not all men are solid relationship material and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with who they are and a deep rooted sense of inadequacy.   

  7. 47
    jewel

    I was recently in the same situation. I met a man online who initially pressured me into a committed relationship before I was ready.   He was the one that wanted us to take our profiles offline. I was happy to because I hate online dating. After months of telling me he loved me, that I was his dream girl and out of his league(which I was) he started to become a bit controlling and many   of our interactions became exhausting. Still, there was enough really good stuff there  and for the most part he treated me lovingly. One day after an hour long disagreement about me going out with my sister I decided to online search him.   I couldn’t believe it! He had two online profiles still up and had logged on that day. We had plans for me to meet his family in two days,!   When I confronted him he denied it.   Ultimately I ended up blocking him and putting everything he owned I had  on his porch.   I haven’t talked to him since. The betrayal hurts but what is a relationship without trust. I’d rather be alone while he chases this elusive fantasy and gets his self esteem needs served by those who don’t know him and don’t give a shit about him.  He is shallow.  He is an  empty cup and no  online girl is  ever going to be capable  of filling it.  My advice leave and don’t look back.

  8. 48
    Helene

    Right on Evan. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! I hope she took your advice, kicked him out and started working on improving her boundaries and sense of self worth.
    xo
      

  9. 49
    Olivia

    He is a jerk ! Hes very disrespectful . Why would he keep up his dating profile if he claims to be commited to you. Whats his rub ? If he truly cared and respected you. He would take his profile down. this man wants his cake and eat it too and he wants have the benifit of having you, but wants to keep his options open. I would tell him how you feel and that hurts your feelings that hes being insensitive to how you feel. I woul tell him to take the profile down. He would do that if you meant that much to him. If he still refuses to do that and drags his feet, and you want to keep this insensitive jerk in your life. Then I believe, whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Put a profile up of yourself, tell guys that although youre in a relationship that you enjoy having friends as well. Then when he sees your profile and picture up smiling. He will not like that one bit ! You then will see his reaction and hear what he has to say.   Let him see all the attention youre getting from all your ” new friends “. Either he will take his profile down and ask to take yours down too. Or maybe he will be ok with the both of you having ” friends” on the dating website. This way it puts it all out there. And no one is hiding anything. And everyone is on the same page. Whats fair is fair. Good luck !  

  10. 50
    pretty woman

    Advice to anyone in this type of relationship: do yourself a favor and leave, no matter the hurt and pain involved. My “exclusive” bf refused to take down his pof or match profiles. Despite numerous conversations about them over the course of six months. You’re left feeling conflicted and always suspicious. My close friend posted a fake profile and sent it to him. Valentines weekend as I was driving in a snowstorm to meet him, he was asking my friend out on her fake profile. When confronted, he lied about his intention as well, tried to accuse me of being sneaky. Truth is a powerful weapon, but pay attention to the signs you may be ignoring. If you are always feeling suspicious and confused, and your stomach is always in knots, thats your intuition calling an alarm. Pay attention! No relationship should disempower you.

  11. 51
    Gary Snyder

    I would suggest putting up a dating profile of your own. Sometimes people have to walk a mile in your shoes to see how it feels. This is called reverse psychology and tough love, it can really work.
    Why throw a two year relationship away? I don’t believe in telling people to breakup with someone. I recommend educating them… with the right tools, they are more than capable of making decisions on their own. God does not respect any one person above another.

  12. 52
    Heather M

    I am in this situation.   We have been together for 8 mos.   I picked up my life and moved to a different state with him thinking we were going to build a future together. I knew his password to his computer and found that he is on a dating site.   I confronted him about and asked him to take his profile down and he was adamant that he would not.   I am stuck here in this house that we are renting for a year.   I do not have the expenses to move out and find a place on my own.   I am torn because he wants to build a relationship but continue to chat on line.   I asked him how do you think the women will feel when they find out that you are in a relationship and he said that will not know because he is just talking to them.   I asked him how he would feel if I put my profile back on and he said that he wouldn’t like it.   I am on a emotional coaster until I can move out on my own.   This is my first real relationship since my divorce 10 yrs ago.   This is not an easy situation to get out of for me.   I am stuck…

    1. 52.1
      Karmic Equation

      Heather,
        
      This is where you reactivate your profile and start Circular Dating.
        
      John, Jeremy, Chance, Evan, RustyLH? He’s being a bad bf. Agree? It’s the perfect scenario for CD’ing. And, imo, she doesn’t need to tell him that she’s CD’ing. He broke the gf/bf contract. Snooping notwithstanding.

      1. 52.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Nope. That’s where all the RR CDers are missing it. You don’t CD. You DUMP him. Always. CDing is code for cheating. She thinks it’s justifiable. I think it’s weak and lacks integrity.

      2. 52.1.2
        Jeremy

        Yes, Karmic, he is being a bad boyfriend.   That is why she should dump the guy and figure out what to do about who pays the remaining rent.   This is a sad situation, and I feel for the poster.   It is a toxic relationship that she should exit – not complicate.   At least if she exits cleanly she can feel good that she has taken the highroad.

      3. 52.1.3
        Karmic Equation

          

        Evan,
          
        I agree she should if could AFFORD TO do so.
        What you’re missing are TWO things, Evan.
        1) She can’t AFFORD to dump him. They’re living together in a state where presumably she doesn’t have close friends and family (she moved out of her home state to be with him). It would be a HUGE problem, financially (broken lease) and realistically (how does she get HER stuff out of the house? Why should SHE be the one to move? — Particularly, when HE was the douchebag?)
        2) While 2 wrongs don’t make a right, he was a sleazebag and she doesn’t need to be one…BUT since she should NO LONGER CARE what said sleazebag thinks of her, she can and should do what’s right for HER. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of her.
        She owed him nothing once he refused to take down his profile.  
          
        Jeremy,
          
        Thanks for agreeing he’s being a bad bf.
          
        Heather,
          
        The guys are stuck on my saying you “don’t have to tell him” you’re CD’ing. They feel you’d be cheating on your cheating boyfriend. I feel you don’t owe HIM anything. But it’s on you on what you owe YOURSELF.
          
        Go ahead and tell your bf that you’ve decided to do what he’s doing–reactivate your profile and start “talking to” other guys. Date them if you want to — or not.
          
        And look for ways to get out of your shared living space. In the whole scheme of things a broken lease is no big deal. Move out and stick him with the full rent. It’s too bad your unsuspecting landlord is going to suffer due to no fault of his/her own.
          
        Good luck to you.

          

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Yes, cheat on him, activate your profile, and move out. But don’t dump him. Karmic, you’re usually so spot-on. Not sure how you’re missing this one by a mile. Your advice actively contradicts itself when you tell her that she can’t move out, shouldn’t move out and then should move out. This is all noise. Dump him. Move on. No CDing. You pretty much concede my point that dating others is not really the answer here. That’s because it’s NEVER the answer.

        2. Jeremy

          One last comment I’ll make here, Karmic.   I happen to agree with you that, in this situation, she owes this guy NOTHING.   If you read my comment, I suggested that she take the high road for herself, not for his sake.   To maintain her own sense of personal integrity, and thereby aiding in her own future relationships.
            
          My own take on cheating (whether in relationships, marriage, or whatever) is this:   Everyone fantasizes.   Most people don’t cross the threshold between fantasy and reality because they have a conscience preventing it.   But once that threshold has been crossed once, it is MUCH easier to do it again.   That is why I, personally, would not ever date a person who admitted to cheating on a past partner, regardless of the justification or circumstance.
            
          If I was out to dinner with someone and she told me that she had been cheated on by a previous boyfriend and so she dumped him and moved on, I would say “good for you” and look forward to getting to know her better.   On the other hand, if I was out with a woman who told me that her ex-boyfriend cheated on her so she cheated on him back, I would ask for the cheque.   Did she have justification? – maybe yes.   Did she act with integrity? (the ex-boyfriend certainly did not, but he is not the issue here) – No.
            
          I am glad that, in Heather’s case, we all seem to ultimately agree that she should leave, and find a way to deal with the rent situation.

        3. Karmic Equation

            

          Evan,
            
          You’re being awfully stubborn about this one.

          Once she TELLS the guy she’s CD’ing, she’s no longer cheating. It’s CD’ing WITHOUT telling him that can be considered cheating.  
            
          Again, once a guy (or girl) breaks that gf/bf contract, gloves are off and either party shouldn’t expect good treatment from the other party. Would it be NICE if the cheated on party takes the high road, SURE. But WHY should that bother YOU OR ME if the cheated on party exacts a measure of revenge if he/she wants to? I believe in “an eye for eye” as much as I believe in “what goes around comes around” and truth be told, those two concepts aren’t mutually exclusive.
            
          Once she starts CD’ing after she tells him, she gets back her CEO power. He knows about it. He can “quit” her company instead of her firing him laying him off.  
            
          In the real world, a “fired” person may get UE benefits (depends on the situation); a “laid off” person certainly does.
            
          Why should the CEO lay off or fire a slacker when she has the means to get him to quit on his own?

            

        4. Evan Marc Katz

          “Why should the CEO lay off or fire a slacker when she has the means to get him to quit on his own?” Because it lacks integrity. Because it’s passive aggressive bullshit. Because two wrongs don’t make a right. Because why would she want him to quit on his own when she can fire him. There is no ground for you to stand on here.

          But the good news for cheating men around the world is that as long as he TELLS you he’s cheating, he’s no longer cheating. He’s just CDing. Glad we got that cleared up.

        5. Karmic Equation

          You keep forgetting that HE ALREADY CHEATED! Why should he get away with that IF SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM TO?
          If he tells you BEFORE he cheats, he isn’t cheating. He’s giving you the option to get out or accept. If a woman stays in the relationship at that point, she’s agreeing to an open relationship. And if she changes her mind afterwards, she can’t call him a cheater. That would be inaccurate.

        6. Karmic Equation

          Jeremy,
          Any person who VOLUNTEERS that they either were cheated upon and then cheated in retaliation is an idiot. He/She needs a dating coach. And a brain. Who volunteers that kind of information?
          I would actually listen to the justification for entertainment. Probably ask follow up questions, too.
          I wouldn’t date them again due to them being idiots. Honest idiots, but idiots nonetheless.

        7. XO

          My suggestion would be to break up with him and get yourself right before you start dating other guys. You need to get on your feet – by becoming wealthy in either real friends or money so you can get yourself out of these types of bad situations should you find yourself in one. This will build your self confidence. You are way too vulnerable right now to screen out manipulative men that are obviously abundant (from this post) on these websites.

          You need to figure out: Should I move back home where I probably have some sort of support system? Should I stay here and strike out on my own?

          Forget the lease. Big stinking deal. He will more than likely find someone new to move in faster than you think if he is looking for the next best thing on line. From my experience, guys who do this already have one foot out the door and other sources at hand in case they are abandoned.   He won’t miss a beat. Trust me. He’ll just call an ex and lie and complain about you and the ex will go… awww.. and take him back because he manipulates her.

          If he has a profile up, it means that you are not enough for HIM. He wants something better. He will always want something better. It is NOT you. It is him. He at least has a serious character flaw and at most has a personality disorder – NPD, ASPD…   Either way, leave, leave, leave. If you need help, ask a friend or family member back home.

  13. 53
    John

    Karmic- Of course he is being a bad boyfriend.   He should be dumped.   But you are only considering 1 side of the equation. What happens if a guy is perfectly monogamous, treats the girl well and then he finds out she is dating others behind his back?   Then the girl will lose the guy for certain. In that scenario, then wouldn’t the CD be the demise of a perfectly good relationship?
      
    The bottom line is that a girl has to decide if there is higher risk in losing a good guy due to him finding out she is CDing or shutting off her options by abstaining from CDing.   You have decided that it is worth the risk of losing a good guy because you want to keep your options open. Good for you. But probably not good advice for other women to follow.

    1. 53.1
      Karmic Equation

        

      John,
        
      Once a girl’s figured out/decided that a guy is not being a good boyfriend, I agree she should dump him. But some girls either will not or can not (see Heather’s reason, there’s probably more Heathers out there than you think) — where she NEEDS to unhook her brain from a bad guy/bad situation before she can actually do the deed (break up).
        
      If he IS a good guy, like I’ve been saying, a good guy would leave a woman IN NO DOUBT where she stands with him on things that are important to her, particularly if she’s communicated those things to him.
      For example, if a guy DOESN’T EVER plan to marry and he KNOWS she wants marriage, that guy is NOT being a good boyfriend, no matter how much money or time of  or otherwise good treatment  he showers on her, if HE’s using living together as a placeholder for marriage WITHOUT TELLING HER. That’s lying by omission. That’s CHEATING  her  out of her life goal for HIS convenience. Now does that qualify as a bad enough boyfriend behavior to justify CD’ing without telling him? He’s lying by omission and she’s lying by omission. They can both be considered cheating. Grey area.
        
      All that said, I personally can’t support CD’ing to get to marriage. That is quite non-sensical. But I do believe CD’ing can be a good exit strategy (Thanks,  Jeremy, for the terminology). I actually *had* to do it for my own sanity. Although I did tell the guy “Our relationship is over. I’m no longer your gf, you’re no longer my bf. I want you to move out by the end of the month” before I started CD’ing — but he was in the midst of a drunken stupor when I said that so it’s debatable whether he even recalled I said that all. But the guy was still living under my roof and I continued to treat him well afterwards (although I had stopped having sex with him 5 months prior) — until I had to serve him with a restraining order. He was the love of my life. You have no idea how much it hurt to be forced to have to do that. He was a very very good man and a great complement to me until he let alcohol take over his life…and mine.
        
      CD’ing as an exit strategy does work, in specific situations.
        
      CD’ing before a guy is your boyfriend is what women need to do as part of dating. But most women don’t do that and instead put all their eggs in one basket, which contributes to them becoming disillusioned and embittered.

        

  14. 54
    GL

    I don’t know about not asking someone to take down their profile. What about an ultimatum? Take it down or I’m also going to explore my options? I guess if they don’t step up there’s your answer.  

  15. 55
    vernell

    I am in the same situation with a creep that thinks he’s all that  ! The stupidest thing  on my part… is… that I fell in love with him …but’… he’s as ugly as a mud fence ! He’s 63 and put up a profile photo of himself at age 35 on: match.com , lotsoffish.com , localflirts.com , okcupid.com , yahoo match.com , our time.com , ” seniors something or other ” and  a lot more . Then he lies and claims that he couldn’t delete them and that they were from a long time ago ….localflirts.com had a caption that said ” joined 4 days ago ” ! Well  I’m Vindictive ….I put him up on every single dating site  on line and the  gay ones  too and gave them a profile that takes some imagination to get hold of …LOL .I am making plans to be alone with me  again…because I am too damn old to put up with this bullshit  !!    Alright , here’s the deal…. ” Real True Love Does Not Shop Around For Someone Else ” !! ” True Love Does Not Sneak Around And Hide Stuff From You ” !! He’s Not All That and Never Will Be Good Enough For You ….You Dump His Ass…Because You Are Worth Something To Someone Else and You Can Do Better  ! He’s Not Worth Giving Up Your Life , Happiness and Energy  Over …He’s Takin Up Space  in Your Heart .  

    1. 55.1
      Karmic Equation

      I’m confused. Did you fall in love with his PICTURE? And then got mad when he showed up uglier/older than his picture?

      Or did you fall in love   with his uglier/older self after dating him in real life and then got mad because he’s still on dating sites with his young picture?

  16. 56
    N

    My 2 cents. A good exit strategy is to break up. End of story.   N~

  17. 57
    Former ATL

    OH wow.  

    Get out NOW.

    This narcissist sounds like a chiropractor I met on match and dated on/off for close to two yrs. He would feign ignorance stating he had not logged in while I had proof otherwise similar to yours. The guy was adept at gaslighting. Had his ex lover living in his basement and lied about their relationship the entire time. Turns out he had been shagging her and she was very much in his life. Proximity is a gruesome thing.  

    Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes. Nothing I said or did would change his proclivity to be a perpetual bachelor. Find out from another Chiro I went to school with that my ex BF was quite the get around guy in his profession. Like others have said – get an STD check and never second guess this behavior again.

    You are worth having what you seek and not listening to some dope who tells you it is normal for an apple to fall upwards into a tree instead of down.

      

  18. 58
    Louise Smith

    Erm, he sounds like a loser. I had the same thing happen to me and I used a company called eyespyu.com they found my cheater had three profiles not just one!
    Sorry to hear your going through the same. Good luck.

  19. 59
    Sher

    Good god, Barb, I hope you’ve left by now!!!

  20. 60
    Marce

    Evan…thank you!   I just left my boyfriend that I’ve been with for almost 2 years and living with for a year on and off.   I gave him 3 chances to stop cheating but when I went back to him the 3 rd time ..he was good for 2 months then was back on match.com.   I tried to forgive but when I confronted him he blatantly lied.   I left.   He can be someone else’s problem.   I deserve better and he will cheat no matter who he is with.   Barbara needs to come to an understanding within herself that he will never change but she can leave.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *