My Boyfriend Refuses To Take Down His Online Dating Profile


My boyfriend – who is over 60 – has had more dates than anyone I know and still receives notifications of women who have emailed him constantly. He has told me about some of them and still hears from many of them. Since we have dated for almost two years, I asked him to cancel his online dating account. I cancelled mine.

We live together. Whenever I have to go to a social function, it shows that he has been on reviewing matches sent to him. I told him it was upsetting and we had a little verbal disagreement. After another social event that I attended with girlfriends, I found that he had done the same thing again. This time I am not saying anything, but feel he is always looking for something better.

How do I know this? My girlfriend who is on looked at his site for me (which is still posted) and said he had been on that day, just a few hours ago, which was while I was gone. Is he addicted? Is this normal human behavior? —Barb

An existential question:

If a man cheats openly on his live-in girlfriend, is he actually a cheater?

I don’t know, Barb, but the picture you’re painting is of a really unfortunate arrangement.

Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy. The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.

A man who is openly defying his two-year girlfriend to stay active on Match.

A woman who has so little self-esteem that she puts up with such defiant behavior.

Forgive me for the self-esteem line. I don’t know you. I’m not a psychologist. But your relationship does suggest a level of patience and tolerance that far exceeds the norm. And I’m not saying that in a good way.

Imagine a company that lets its CEO cook the books and embezzle from them because he’s a smart, charismatic guy.

The shareholders would have every right to demand an ouster.

But if the company knows and doesn’t fire him, whose fault is it that the behavior continues? You got it: the company!

And if I’m the CEO, I’m gonna keep on openly embezzling.

Why not? There are no consequences to my behavior.

I do hate to be the one to burst your bubble, Barb.

But really, what do you think he’s DOING on Match each day? Do you think he’s just browsing, like people browse through the mall?

Or would you guess that a man who has a membership on a dating site is actually, you know… USING that site for its intended purposes — to meet new women?

Put it this way:

I don’t go to Amazon to browse books. I go there to buy.

I don’t go to the gym to not work out. I go there to swim.

There is simply no viable, reasonable, acceptable response he can make — even if, somehow, he has not met ANY new women since “committing” to you.

I’ll be the first to admit — online dating can be addicting — especially when you’re getting a lot of attention. There IS a temptation, for both men and women, to try to continually “trade up”. But the whole point of dating — for most of us, anyway — is to find one person that makes you want to quit altogether.

If your live-in boyfriend doesn’t want to quit, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend.

Oh, and by the way, don’t ask him to take his profile down. That’s not your solution. He’s already proven to be the worst kind of selfish, insensitive prick who can’t be trusted with slippery concepts such as “monogamy”.

The only way to fix this is to dump this him when you’re done reading this.

You probably won’t do it, Barb, but I’m really hoping that you do.

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  1. 61

    I’d also look into a number of other dating websites to see if his profile is listed there too.   These players usually having several different sites running at the same time.   Even if they take down their profile on one site, they still have backups up and running.   Another place to check is Facebook and Skype.   Look into the recently added friends.   Bottom line, if they haven’t removed their profile they are still looking for someone else.   And you shouldn’t have to ask a guy to take down their profile.   If they are into you and you alone, they remove their profile, cancel their subscription, and do not return to the website.

    1. 61.1
      Dawn Heistand

      why should she waste her time looking 4 his profile at other sites ? One is bad and hard enough on her to handle ! why should she have more heart ache ?

  2. 62

    My guy and I met just 5 mos after we’d each been separated and we’ve been together ever since.   We were really close for about a year and then I started to notice him pulling away. Less passion, less emotional connection.   We still saw each other every single weekend and he called me every single day without fail. We went on several trips together. We are compatible, love doing the same things and are supportive of each other. I was in love with him and he told me that he loved me. After about a year, we had the ‘talk’ about commitment. He told me that he wasn’t ready to commit. So we both agreed that we’d continue to see each other while dating others. Keep it loose….   But he still expected to see me every weekend, called and texted every single day and effectively acted like my boyfriend.   I’ve met all of his friends, his brothers, but not his kids.   He explained that he felt awkward about that till after the divorce. That sounded reasonable to me, his kids are college age.   I have a busy life so I stopped dating went off the sites but he continued. I expressed my disappointment that he continues to be active on at least 2 maybe 3 dating sites.   He said, he cannot commit yet, he feels I am twisting his arm to get married.    Neither one of us are done with our divorces which are complicated but inevitable.

    Finally, I told him calmly that we were no longer a couple as long as he on sites looking for other women to date.   AFter 2 years together, if he thought I was ‘the one’, I’d hop that he’d do everything in his power to keep me.   I told him that it’s not working for me any longer that I am looking for a partner in life and I am not interested in perpetually dating.   He’s 61 and I am 58.   He’s very upset, he says he can’t sleep and he is distraught. I’m pretty much ignoring him and I’m back on ok cupid now.

    So that’s it and I’m sad, but I can’t imagine how we’d ever go back to how we were. He was so close emotionally at first and now pulling back. I don’t know why and cannot unwind this for him. Sadly, I’m done. I told him that I’m not waiting for him to inform me that he’s met someone else with whom he’d like to explore a relationship. He said ‘there’s no one else out there for me but you. I just don’t know how I can commit to being together.’

    To anyone in this situation, hopefully you’ll tire of the situation and end it. Good luck ladies!

  3. 63

    I’m dealing with a similar situation, I have a boyfriend of almost 2 yrs that I found on a dating site. I wasn’t snooping at all, I’ve always trusted him, but something suspicious (a search for a dating site) came up on his phone when he was showing me something. I created a fake profile to see if I could find him, and I saw him on there. I’ve been getting messages from him, so I know for sure he’s an active member. It’s heartbreaking to have trust shattered like that, especially when you see a future with someone before it happened. I hope Barb dumped that jerk. I’m about to dump mine.

    1. 63.1
      Dawn Heistand

      dump him 4 U deserve better then him  

      1. 63.1.1

        I dumped him. He begged, pleaded for me to stay. He tried to explain it away and said he would seek counseling and also give me full access to his email account, etc. I told him I was done and that was it.

  4. 64

    Why would he take his profile down? He’s got a great setup for himself. A place to live, companionship, someone that I am assuming takes care of things and does at least half of the household responsibilities, and gets the attention of other women. He’s basically a selfish old man, afraiD of his age, needing attention and using someone who willingly gives it to him. Pretty imature. He will never grow up if he doesn’t have to. Why you want to have that kind of man in your life doesn’t have to do with his profile being online, it has to do with you.

    1. 64.1
      Dawn Heistand

      U R so right  

  5. 65
    Dawn Heistand

    Hi ! He is your boyfriend and just like you , he is free to do this until you two get married ! If your living together then move away from him before you walk in on him and his woman having sex ! Take care and thanks  

  6. 66

    Many of Barb’s words could be my own- except that in my case, it’s my husband, not a long term live-in boyfriend.

    Is it as straightforward as leaving after I’ve been clear there’s no tolerance for this sort of behavior?

    1. 66.1
      Karl R

      Yes, Mary, it’s that straightforward.

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