I belong to a dating website that has “winks” and “hotlists” as features. One thing that confuses me to no end is why a man would wink and/or hotlist me, but never write! On a few occasions, I have written to these men to interact with them, but they have not written back. Some of them still continue to “hotlist” me even weeks later.
Do you have a pantry? Somewhere that you store food that you’re not planning on eating right this second?
That’s what a hot list is for men. A pantry to keep track of all the lovely ladies who may have caught their eyes while browsing.
Being put on a hot list is better than not being put on a hot list, but, in and of itself, the gesture means very little. Essentially, it means “maybe”. You haven’t been eliminated from contention, but there’s no guarantee you’re going to get an email. So don’t take it as some sort of promise ring. In fact, don’t take it as anything.
This is a huge problem with online dating and I only know because I’ve experienced it myself. You go on Match.com, see that you’ve been browsed 518 times, but you’ve only received three emails and five winks. This registers in our brains like this:
510 people just rejected me.
This is not remotely true, but this is how we feel; this is what we believe. We take everything so personally that we never bother to consider the logic of online dating.
Consider that you’ve probably browsed through 500 men — most of whom didn’t interest you. You may have put them on your favorites list. Maybe not. But the point is that you’ve looked at 500 guys and written to none of them. Should each and every one of those guys feel hurt that you browsed them without making contact? I should hope not. Yet this is what we do. It would be like a store owner getting upset when someone window shops but doesn’t buy. Sometimes, we’re just browsing; other times, we’ve got our credit cards out and are geared up to buy. Online dating is filled with browsers and lookie-loos and people who have profiles but are not currently paying for the site. I’m not kidding when I say that this comprises over half of the people online.
So if 50% of the people are not even potential buyers, that leaves 50% of the browsers who are. Factor in that you’re only going to be interested in 10% of that 50%, and, well, who exactly are you missing?
Nothing, I assure you.
But I hear you when you say that you want certain guys to actively write to you. … You stated that you’ve written to them but have gotten no reply. That could mean any number of things, but most likely, it’s that he’s busy with the women who are his “favorite” people on his hot list. And if those women don’t pan out, maybe he’ll work his way down to you. That’s nothing personal. That’s reality. Men think they have options — and they’re going to try to exercise them, from the hottest perfect 10’s on backwards. It’s a shame, but that’s what they do.
Most guys have hot lists with over 100 people on it. They’re completely unwieldy and completely unconsidered. It’s like men are highlighting lines in a particularly riveting textbook that they’ll probably never read again. Because either they a) forget about the women on their hot lists and keep searching for new blood, or b) they plow through those women indiscriminately with winks or form letters.
You see, Sylvia, the dirty little secret is that most of the guys who are disappointing you are not having any success on these sites either.
You want them, they want other women, and around and around we go.
There’s only one way to ensure that this cycle stops.
Do things differently.
Don’t blame men. (even if they suck)
Or Match.com. (even if it’s chaotic)
Or age. (even if it’s unfair to be judged for it)
Or anything else that you can’t fix.
Do something different.
Benjamin Franklin said it best:
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
I’ve quoted that in both of my books and I’ve never been more convinced that it’s true.
And if that quote isn’t working for you, how about: “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it” ?
If you’re frustrated at online dating, you only have two choices: keep going or quit and hope that you meet your soulmate in “real life”. The latter happens all the time in the movies but not so much when you’re over the bar scene, your friends are all married, and you work ten hours a day in a small office with people you shouldn’t/wouldn’t date.
On the other hand, you can try to make the most of your online dating experience — and you can have FUN doing it. And when I say FUN, I’m not kidding. I’m talking about jumpstarting your love life, being able to choose who YOU want to date and actually dating them.
What’s the secret?…
Do something different.
Try a different website.
Get a brand new photo.
Create a one-of-a-kind profile that attracts the right people.
Imagine if you had an amazing photo, amazing essays, and amazing dating skills that allowed you to better understand the opposite sex.
Imagine how powerful you’d be.
Imagine how many options you’d have.
Imagine how little you’d get upset because you knew what was really going on, and how to persevere anyway.
Listen, I didn’t plan to write this entry to mention my services, but every time I get a letter like Sylvia’s, it’s a wake-up call.
There are tons of resources out there for people who want to fall in love. The few people who tap those resources are the ones who get all the best results.
So thank you, Sylvia, for asking a very important question that tons of people want to know the answer to. The short answer would be that men hotlist tons of people so don’t take it personally. But that wouldn’t make for much of a blog post, now would it? 🙂
Thanks for reading and I hope you feel inspired to do something to make those guys want to write back to you today!