What Are My Chances Of Finding A Husband?

Pretty African American Woman in Bright Green Blouse

Hello Evan, I’ve been reading the information on your website and I find the information interesting and useful which is why I decided to write to you. First off, this is embarrassing, but I will be honest: I’m a single 38-year-old black woman and I’m a virgin with little to no dating experience. People tell me I’m attractive, but I’m shy and I have a tendency to take rejection very personally. I tried online dating and it was a disaster. The last guy I was interested in was a bipolar alcoholic. Anyway, I’m lousy at dating. When I go on dates I have a tendency to feel like I’m on a job interview. I know there is A LOT of competition and I’m not exactly a catch, think about it — with the information I provided I hardly think that I’m anybody’s ideal.

One guy I was talking to said he liked me but I needed more confidence. I guess he’s right, but I’m embarrassed and ashamed by my inexperience so I always quit trying for periods of time. One thing I am good at: I’m a good conversationalist, and I can actually be quite funny. Since I read those statistics about single black women in the US (70%) I opened my dating pool to men of all races. I thought it was odd that I got more attention from white men than black men since I was on Match.com but I’m glad that race doesn’t matter to me. Anyway, in your opinion, what are the chances of me finding a husband? I’m no spring chicken. Any information is appreciated. —Diana Marie

Dear Diana,

I’m no academic or statistician, but I do have a computer. And what I learned from my friend, Google, is that 95% of people have been married by the age of 55.

Given that you’re a person, that would give you a 95% chance of finding a husband.

Do you feel better now?

I didn’t think so.

Because your question isn’t really about the chances of you finding a husband, it’s about addressing your own insecurities.

If you do the latter, the former will follow.

If you don’t, there is the potential risk that you will fall through the cracks, like so many women at sorority rush.

So what are you going to do about it?

There’s absolutely no difference between confident you and insecure you. It’s a flick of the switch in the back of your head.

First of all, take heart in the fact that you are not alone. There are more single people than married people in America for the first time ever. Not to mention that you’re not even the first 38-year-old ethnic virgin that I’ve heard from. Really. You’re in good company.

Second of all, your belief that you’re not anybody’s ideal is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy, wouldn’t you say? Would YOU enjoy going out with the guy who genuinely didn’t believe that he was worthy of you? Say what you will about clueless and arrogant men, but their false belief in themselves is often a greater asset than it is a detriment. Confidence — in both men and women — is the single most attractive quality for a partner, and we need to get you on track to realize your self-worth.

Thankfully, you already HAVE self-worth. You’ve described yourself as young, attractive, a good conversationalist, and funny. I can name, oh, about a BILLION men who would want to go out with that woman. But if you’re spending all of your time at home out of fear, or quaking in your boots on each date because you’re inexperienced, all you’re doing is undermining your good qualities.

To you, your fear and your lack of confidence is as real as your two hands. To me, it’s a mental construct that you’ve built and codified. Year after boyfriendless year, you’ve determined that you weren’t good enough and receded further into your self-imposed cage. Yet you’d be the first to acknowledge that any stranger who met you would determine that you’re bright, attractive, interesting and witty.

Interesting, isn’t it?

So do yourself a favor, Diane. Stop telling these men what your problem is. Give up the vision of yourself as a pathetic 38-year-old virgin. Get out of that job interview mentality.

Because what I know — what every confident person around knows — is that there’s absolutely no difference between confident you and insecure you. It’s a flick of the switch in the back of your head.

If you present yourself as the sum total of your good qualities, and talk to each individual guy the way you would talk to your Mom or your best girl friend, all relaxed and playful, you’ll find that men respond to you like never before.

The only reason men don’t dig you is because you don’t dig yourself.

Start believing what you already told me, set up a better profile — a CONFIDENT one — on Match and BlackPeopleMeet, and write me back to let me know that it’s working, okay?

Good luck.

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  1. 21

    If this woman really wants to get married, she should go to Church because ministers and the church members are very supportive in promoting family and marriage issues.   There is a problem finding Black Men willing to get married, or employed, so she should consider Inter-racial dating and dating outside her race.   Its very difficult for Black Women in the dating world, there is no easy answer.  

  2. 23

    After reading this post Im not sure I feel encouraged. I am a 29 yr old female who is also a virgin. I believe and have also been told that I have  great qualities; I have been told that I am what men love…I am attractive,  pettie with a body to be envied, smart, educated, and accomplished. When I graduated from college, I decided that  since I had gone through college without having sex that I would just wait until marrige (not knowing I would still be alone 6 yrs later).  I was very confident about my decision and whom ever I met that didn’t like that could kick rocks! I have recently over the past year become less confident about my virginity. I had never been the type that   believed that every man that approached me wanted to have sex with me but now I’m not so sure. My confidence has declined really b/c I had met someone who said that they didn’t mind me being a virgin, that it didn’t matter to them; and then all of a sudden, it did matter. And I knew this person for a few years.  And now I’m hurt and am not able to shake this feeling of rejection. Now I’m lonely and can’t stand for someone to tell me I’m beautiful or that anyone would be lcuky to be with me, b/c it just makes me sad. I had a male  friend to tell me that the women who are having sex really soon or before marrige aren’t winning…but I truely feel like I’m the one that’s losing.

  3. 24

    Girls!   Get a grip – it’s not that serious!   Diana, get over that “poor pitiful me” mindset and live your life! Travel! Dance! Explore! Go to church!   I speak from experience – I am a 60 year old black woman who had too many lovers to count, married at 31, divorced, have a beautiful daughter (who is in  an interracial relationship) and am still dating black men!   

    For one thing, don’t be afraid to change jobs or places of residence.   I have lived from coast to coast, north to south, and have had countless jobs and a solid 30-yr career.   None of this would have been possible without a top-notch education, of course – I think black women owe it to themselves to get as much education as possible.   Education always opens the door to a more upwardly mobile, successful pool of men.

    Don’t live in the same corner of the world for half a century and expect different results!   Try living in different cities for awhile and working at different jobs.   If you really want a husband, you need to “step out on faith” and expose yourself to different situations!   Always join a church in every city, and make friends with people who share your values.   Don’t be   afraid to let them know that you are looking for a new romantic partner, and get that confidence up – don’t act like a neophyte!  
    Finally girls – and I know you’ve heard this one before – “fake it ’til you make it”!   Be sleek, sexy, sophisticated and charming EVERY day, stay away from negative people and situations,   and go out and GET your man!

  4. 26

    diana   don’t worry what people or society has to say about it? As long as you have morals,and go by you’re faith god will bless you. I’m 52 and also virgin white male catholic, it’s not embarrassing. Those who laugh are sinner’s and unhappy with their lives. True love will find it’s way with religion and god’s blessings. You can email me I’ll be you’re Virgin Gaurdian Angle 4 ever

  5. 27

    I want to follow up on what I just wrote:   In full disclosure, I have not been wholehearted in my faith nor in my search for a mate.   Today in a moment of weakness – and cynical self-pity (just being honest) – I wrote a “woe is me” description of my life as a 41-year-old single virgin.   In all honesty, I disregarded the good advice provided above in preference for venting.   But I have to clarify that I’ve been lukewarm in my Christian faith in the past (ex: having an intermittent prayer life, etc) so I know that’s a major factor in my remaining single.

    When I was 33, I had been reading my Bible, praying, fasting, and guarding against the sin of gluttony.   I started losing weight, and I reached 160lbs at 5’8.”   All of a sudden men were coming out of the woodwork.   It was my fault for not trying online dating at that time because in my mind I was still not thin enough to make up for my hair.   I was still very insecure about my appearance and my ability to find a man who would want to wait until marriage.   Unfortunately, I stopped pursuing God because I wanted to fit in and not be so different from the secular society around me at that time.   Consequently, I started seeking comfort in food again instead of in God.   Incidentally, living in NYC does a number on a woman’s confidence because there are tons of beautiful single women and far fewer eligible bachelors.

    I have since moved so that has helped.    Likewise I’m returning to God, and I’ve found a job that I love :).   So really I’m in a much better place and just need to focus on getting healthy.   Please pray for me so I can lose weight again and finally maintain a healthy slim figure.   That would be a blessing for my future husband and me.

  6. 28

    By the way, one more thing:   I’m focusing on being Thankful for everything in my life – When I do that, my day is inevitably filled with joy 🙂

  7. 29
    Melissa jones

    I’m a beautiful woman 37 been on 500 dates or more and can’t find a boyfriend. I’m not even picky. Most men reject me bc I’m too pretty. The last guy dumped me when I was ready for sex with him. Yes I wanted to lose my virginity to his two inch dick and he disappeared. Everyone thinks men hit on me all the time. It’s scary out there. You can be the hottest woman and single and men will reject and dump u left and right.   I asked the last creep why he chased me for a month just to ditch me when I did want sex. No response. He says he fantasizes about me though. Men are crazy.

  8. 30
    michael j walden

    This is interesting. I am a 57 year old man who would love to find a 39 year old or older virgin to marry. “I have learned the hard way about women and love. Life is good and should be shared in love”. Having faith in GOD incorporates a lot of love. I am ready!   Michael

  9. 31

    Michelle, impressed by your writing. I am   34 and single vergin. I started to wprry about love life when I turned 30. In my community, its too hard to cope with being single, as all eyes are on you, “when will she get marry? Is not she too old to give birth? who will have her at this age…?” and other exhausting are in thier mind.

    I am Evangelical, I stress more on knowing the lord; this limites me. Yes, I love it. Nothing to worry about. I realize I cant further an inch alone, unless God moves it. Whu should I worry for something I cant do, get a man as I wamted? I dated the whole time in my life; I now know marriage is from God. “Marriage made on Haven.”

    I also worry about my weight than having a man :).

    I realy wanna have a man above 39.

    The lord provides. xx

  10. 32

    At 49 with 6 and 9 year old daughters, there’s no chance. As soon as I mention I have kids, I never hear from them again. I’m better off dead. And I don’t need a lecture about my kids.

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