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  1. 21
    JuJu

    A lot has already been covered, but here is some additional advice for men, if I may:
    1) unless you are prepared to unequivocally pronounce the given woman beautiful, abstain from commenting on her appearance altogether. A man once wrote me, “on some level, you are my type”. What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
    Besides, any and all comments on her appearance in general aren’t necessary until you establish some sort of a rapport – after all, the fact that you are writing to her in the first place obviously implies you find her attractive.
    2) In the first conversation (in my experience, this usually occurs in the first phone conversation (if it occurs), not over e-mail), do NOT ask a woman how come someone as wonderful as she is still single. The question not only will put her on the defensive (or just cause her to make a mental note about you of the negative nature, depending on her level of self-awareness), but from the logical standpoint is preposterous. I mean, and why are YOU?
    3) Do not, in the first conversation, allude to sexual preferences (yours or hers). You’d be surprised how many otherwise worthy people do this. Generally, don’t act overly familiar when it’s not yet warranted.

    Now, slightly off-topic, you know what I would really like? I wish there was an acceptable way to tell someone, when first starting communicating with them:
    “I would prefer to refrain from telling you anything about myself apart from what is already contained in my profile. It’s not that I am trying to conceal anything from anyone, I am merely attempting to conserve my energy. When and if we ARE in a relationship, I’ll tell you everything you want to know. But right now I feel like if I tell yet another person my life story, I’ll just die.”

    Resonate with anyone? And what’s the polite way around this?

    1. 21.1
      Ken

      What I see wrong is that if a girl posts very provocative pictures and then a guy does the same he is immediately condemned for it.     Well that  seems a little one sided to me.   The big number one issue that I see is the short temper.     This is bitterness, anger, and baggage that men do not want to see.   It comes out in really lame ways.   I once got a really rude remark because I was trying to explain myself and took to long doing it.   So, men aren’t supposed to  show their private parts, and then if we talk to much explaining ourselves   that’s a no no.   Could it be that a lot of woman are just too critical and carry to much bitterness into finding a new partner?     They are trying to meet men that did nothing to them and already the relationship is doomed because of what someone else did to them.   I can tell you that it’s the biggest red flag and I won’t spend a minute on them   if they carry that into a new relationship with me.

      1. 21.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Dude, just stop sending dick pics, which no one likes, and you’ve solved your problem. You’re welcome.

  2. 22
    JuJu

    Oh, forgot to finish my last paragraph:
    “And for the time being, I would just prefer to discuss ideas.”

  3. 23
    Cilla

    It depends on whether or not I initiated the conversation. If the email is unsolicited, I would prefer it be short, polite, and reflect that the writer has read my profile. And no form letters, spam, etc.

    If I have initiated contact with a man, it’s OK if his email is a little longer. (I’m not the least verbose person on the planet LOL.) In that case, it should reveal something beyond his profile or ask a couple of questions to get the dialog going. A little humor is nice, too.

    If he’s writing to me, I assume a man finds me reasonably attractive–I don’t need commentary on my looks, unless I have sent him additional photos or put up new pictures.

    And the topic of sex? I have to confess, I’m a hypocrite. If a guy I’m not into emails me and includes something of a sexual nature, it’s just creepy to me. If it’s a guy I’m into, however, all bets are off. I may try to steer the conversation back to something more platonic, but I’m usually not offended.

  4. 24
    kim

    I’ll tell ya what I dont Want…..your phone number and a message that “I” should call “you” to chat, I mean how much less effort can be put into that? Also, please dont send a completely obvious form letters that you cut and copy from your MSword and send to every woman.. truth is, we know it and you probably wont get a response.
    I would like to say thanks to the men who actually read the profiles and remark on something specific. Koudos to you!

  5. 25
    James

    Who gives a shit what the woman wants? It’s always been about the woman. When will it be about the guy?

  6. 26
    Karl R

    James said: (#25)
    “Who gives a shit what the woman wants? It’s always been about the woman. When will it be about the guy?”

    Your statement could be 100% true, and it would still be 100% irrelevant. Even if it’s always about the woman, even if you think it should also be about the guy, even if you personally don’t care what a woman wants….

    If you ignore what women want, you won’t be able to get/keep a girlfriend.

  7. 27
    Maria

    The only thing I want from a guy is to show interest. My profile is very brief, and includes more photos than it does content. I have done this on purpose: we all know men are visual creatures. I know I want a man who finds me attractive, and don’t want one that doesn’t. I want genuine interest in e-mails and after looking at his profile and pics I will make a determination if I want to speak with him. I have become more selective in choosing, and also will do less phone screening. After all, it’s kind of exciting to go on a date and learn more about a person. Thats what a date is for. If I am at a coffee shop and some guy asks me for my number and introduces himself, I know nothing about him when we meet for a first date. Online dating should be similar in my book. No drilling and asking lots of questions. Plus I have found there to be mistruths (notice I didn’t say lies) in mens profiles. I don’t trust what I read in profiles, I want to hear it from the man after I have determined he is worth getting to know better on a first date.

  8. 28
    A-L

    Maria,

    How do you determine whether or not a guy qualifies for a first date since you’re doing less phone (and e-mail?) screening but being more selective, and don’t really trust their profile? Just curious.

  9. 29
    Maria

    Good question and I will answer it very honestly. Initially I was “getting my feet wet” following a 10 year marriage. I would meet anyone who wanted to meet me, regardless of age range, physical attributes, or standing in the community. After meeting many men from online dating, I have become more honest and self-assured about what I need/want/desire in a partner. I am less likely to date outside of parameters i created from my dating experiences. What used to be “you never know…give it a shot” inside my head has now become “you already know the answer to this one now trust yourself.” I think i am now more ready to have a quality relationship. (Which is why no one should date someone fresh out of a ten year marriage!! LOL) I can also more readily spot someone I might be interested in. 🙂

    1. 29.1
      Mart

      “you already know the answer to this one now trust yourself.”  Sometimes, reasonable and long-lasting relationships come out of the ones you didn’t trust but still went on with it. Trusting an instinct could be wrong because it could be your defenses standing up for you.

  10. 30
    Joe

    Also, if your profile is very brief aside from the photos how do you expect a guy to express an interest in you, aside from the fact that you look hot in your photos?

  11. 31
    Maria

    Well, there is much that can be determined by the profile itself. I am divorced, have a graduate degree, I am a non-smoker, non-drinker, and Catholic. I have children, I am 40 and I am unlikely to want more children. I am seeking a long term relationship. I reside in this city. I have close-up pics and pics doing things I enjoy doing, so that my interests are present. What more do you really need to say, other than what I do say in my profile:” I am open to life and love, and I still have plenty of firsts left within me for the right guy. It might be you…you never know!!!”

    1. 31.1
      Buck25

      Maria,

      If that’s the extent of your profile, you haven’t given a guy who might want to write much of a “hook” to hang his email on; it’s just a pretty generic profile that would fit many 40 year old women. Honestly, I’m a pretty decent writer and unless I found something in one of your pictures (not you, but an unusual activity, or something in the background, for example) I’d find it hard to write you a message that didn’t look   cut and paste generic. Do you have a hobby or interest you could expand on (maybe either something unusual, or where you go to do the activity; for instance if you ski, or scuba dive,   or go kayaking, where are your favorite places to do that?). Or you could expand on some of these “firsts” you’d like to do with the right guy. What? Where? All those specifics, those little details, are conversation starters. Have a favorite local restaurant? Mention it; gives a guy something to ask about.. It doesn’t have to be big or particularly exciting stuff, just little details about you and your interests that give your profile a touch of unique, and give us something to respond to while showing we actually read your profile.   When you don’t give us that, even the guys who want to make the effort will have a hard time giving you anything distinguishable from any cut and paste spam you get in your mailbox daily.

  12. 32
    joseph

    why does a man have to come up with something just short of a fancy oratory just to get a woman to say hello.whatever happened to hi nice to meet you ?

  13. 33
    A-L

    Nobody’s asking for fancy oratory. If you write, “Hi, nice to meet you,” then the only thing a girl can write back is “Hi.” How thrilling of an e-mail exchange is that? (Besides, you haven’t actually met yet anyway.)

    Instead try: “Hey, I saw that X is your favorite restaurant. I’ve been meaning to go there. What should I try?” This is not exactly following Evan’s protocol, but it’s the lite version so if Evan’s way seems too hard, try this. It shows that you read the girl’s profile (a major plus) and you’re giving her something to respond to. It doesn’t take forever to write, and it’s not going to scare anyone off. Is this really too much to ask for?

  14. 34
    kat

    #32 – how do you expect a woman to respond to an email like that, i.e., “hi, nice to meet you” ??? we aren’t “meeting” and you haven’t given me anything to respond to you about — i don’t even know if you looked at my profile before writing those very personal words. that kind of “line” works only when meeting face to face and you know pretty much nothing about the other person. if that is all the effort you want to put into a first contact, why not just wink?

    what REALLY turns me off are first emails wherein i am referred to as “sweetie”, “honey”, “sexy lady” or any other term of “endearment”. it feels condescending and creepy — i can’t imagine writing to a man and calling him “honey”!

    OH, i know we encourage questions, but this one “so, how is Match working for you” (or any variation thereof) is really annoying to me. if it were working really well, i wouldn’t still have a profile up….enough said? how do you answer that!!! “i’ve met some interesting people but not the right one….” — duh! i wonder if anyone else (male or female) feels this way about this question?

    hmmm.

  15. 35
    joseph

    funny thing is it works in most partsof the world and in fact i get much more responses from russian ladies than american ladies.i just dont like the fact you have to go through having to impress these american ladies and having to jump through hoops just to get one.frankly a good portion of american ladies attitudes piss me off.

  16. 36
    Sayanta

    I get e-mails from guys that just go on for days and days (our interaction, I mean) without them making any effort to want to meet. Those are the most annoying.

  17. 37
    Karl R

    joseph said: (#35)
    “i get much more responses from russian ladies than american ladies.i just dont like the fact you have to go through having to impress these american ladies and having to jump through hoops just to get one.”

    If e-mailing Russian ladies is so much more rewarding, why are you wasting your time e-mailing American women at all?

    I prefer to date American women (they live substantially closer), and writing an intelligent e-mail isn’t that difficult for me. But if it pisses you off, wouldn’t it be easier to date in a way that doesn’t make you angry?

  18. 38
    Mo

    From a man’s perspective I find it interesting that women online want to go out on the first date fairly quickly rather than take awhile to get to know each other for awhile. Awhile to me I think may be like a month maybe a couple months. Women here seem to think that a lot of guys are the ones that say stuff like nice profile, want to grab a drink (something like that) maybe I’m just one of the men that is actually taking the online dating serious, reading the profile thoroughly, asking tons of questions about the ladies profile, letting her know about me, looking for a serious girlfriend and NOT a one nighter then eventually (emphasis on eventually) going out on the first date.

    Also I find it very interesting that so many women online and for that matter offline as well but more so online women that think they can actually tell if there is a spark on the first date. Yeah maybe very very few times can actually tell that the first date there is a spark or not. But I tend to think the first date is more of getting through the nervousness for both men and women, chatting, getting to know each other and then on the second date one can tell more if it’s going to work out more or not.

    Also hight seems to be a HUGE issue for online and offline women but seems so much more important to online women. To be honest HEIGHT should not be that big of a deal since our height is our height and weight is weight but yet weight can be lost height cannot be changed.

  19. 39
    Hopeful

    James #25:
    Who gives a **** what the woman wants? It’s always been about the woman. When will it be about the guy?

    Could not help but laugh. I don’t do blind dates or online dating, but I would think keeping the email short is good. I would say be yourself because in the end, don’t you want to be with someone with whom you can feel at ease? If you pretend, you might get stuck with a woman that will end up nagging you because you won’t be able to keep up with your pretense.

    If her profile is available, read what her hobbies or interests are and share a little of your knowledge or interest in that area; keep it short and somewhat mysterious so she’ll want more. I know that I would be bored to death with age, marriage, love, phone#, bank account, etc.

  20. 40
    Hopeful

    Having to go all the way to Russia to find a date? U kidding me

    I can’t figure out what is the big deal about finding a date. It is very easy; just find someone who is compatible. If this doesn’t work, go out with anyone girl; think of it as an adventure. Don’t be so restrictive and picky, loosen up and have some fun. If you both are not able to laugh and smile on the date, you are not having fun.

    Joseph, have you ever tried volunteering? I notice the females who volunteer are not very judgmental.

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