What Percent of People Respond to Your Initial Emails on Match.com?

As you may know, before I became a dating coach, I was a prolific online dater.

I tried every site around, starting in the late 90’s. Matchmaker.com. Nerve.com. JDate.com. Match.com. eHarmony.com. Chemistry.com. And probably a few others that are escaping my memory right now. These days, PlentyOfFish.com and OkCupid.com are the two free online dating players worthy of your consideration.

But from both my personal experience and my coaching experience, I’ve learned that most people tend to fail in online dating and then blame the website.

This is like blaming the gym because you didn’t lose weight.

Site are just big boxes of single people who are trying to meet each other. Nobody shows them how to come up with clever usernames. Nobody teaches them what photos to post. Nobody illustrates how to create a unique, compelling online dating profile. Nobody teaches effective email techniques based on actual research.

This is the way normal people talk when they go to parties. They don’t tap you on the shoulder and say, “You look cute. I think we have a lot in common. Let’s go out.”

The closest anybody gets is OkCupid – and all they do is give you test results – approximately 27% of people respond to first emails, overall – they don’t show you HOW to write great first emails.

So if you’ve been frustrated with your results in online dating (and one look at the comments below indicates that you ARE), there are a number of things you can do differently to get different results. One of the most powerful ones has to do with writing first emails. Consider what most people say:

Subject: Hi

Text: Hey Pat102. I read your profile and you seem really cool. I liked your photos. You have a great smile and I think we have a lot in common, too. I noticed that you have a dog. I also have a dog. What kind do you have? Where do you like to walk your dog? Maybe we can get together sometime. So, check out my profile and if you like what I have to say, I really hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely, Chris.

If you’ve ever received an email like this, you know it sucks. But then why do you also WRITE emails like this as well? My theory is because it’s easiest – it’s what comes naturally to you. So you don’t put much thought into it, and, not surprisingly, it doesn’t get very good results. Why would it? There’s nothing funny, interesting, compelling, or different about such an email. Plus, it compliments the recipient too much – as if Chris is just praying that he/she is good enough for Pat102. No wonder Pat doesn’t respond to this display of weakness.

First emails are best when you offer your opinion of something specific in the person’s profile – but instead of doing what you normally do: “I agree. I like popcorn, too!”, you actually say something disagreeable, controversial, silly, or playful. Make an observation. Be sarcastic. Come up with a joke. Anything other than, “I like you. I like what you said. Please, please, please consider going out with me.”

For example, if someone says in his profile that he likes Costa Rica, you think about all the things you know about Costa Rica and search your brain for a humorous angle. Something other than, “I’ve heard it’s beautiful there! Tell me more!” Personally, I don’t know ANYTHING about Costa Rica, but I do know that all of my left-wing, liberal, neo-hippie friends go on yoga retreats there. Literally, the only reason I’ve even heard of Costa Rica is because of yoga.

So I use this in my email:

Subject: Yoga-Retreat Island

Hey, Pat. I have to be honest with you. I don’t know anything about Costa Rica; I think it’s in the Caribbean or Central America or something like that. All I know is that all of my left-wing yoga friends go on week-long retreats there every year. Which makes me wonder: what does it look like when you fly in at the airport? As the plane is descending, do you see 25,000 people doing down dog at the same exact time? Are there 25,000 more people who are ziplining from tree to tree? Inquiring minds want to know.

Talk soon, Chris.

You didn’t talk about yourself. You didn’t talk about the person you were writing to. You didn’t compliment the other person. You didn’t brag about yourself or sell yourself or ask anyone on any dates. You just made a silly observation about Costa Rica.

This is the way normal people talk when they go to parties. They don’t tap you on the shoulder and say, “You look cute. I think we have a lot in common. Let’s go out.”

It all starts with a little bit of witty banter.This technique is known as the Opinion Opener technique and it’s worked like a charm for thousands of women and men who’ve bought my Finding the One Online audio series.

If you’re sick of online dating – all the wrong people writing to you and the right people not writing back, here are four simple things I will teach you to do:

* You can come up with a new username/headline.
* You can post different online dating photos
* You can write a better online dating profile.
* You can improve your email technique.

All of this is explained in fascinating detail in Finding the One Online – with 7 hours of audio, a 180 page transcript and a 35 page workbook.

Click here to see for yourself how to make more people respond to your initial emails on Match.com.

Join our conversation (320 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 181

    You know what would be helpful on sites like match (but which they’d never do because it would drive so many way)? Provide incentive for users to rate other users’ looks. A big part of the problem with these sites in in addition to all the other issues such as scammers and fake profiles) is that people tend to overestimate their attractiveness. Guests what, most people are 5s, not 10s, and if you’re desperate enough to resort to online dating sites, you’re probably even lower. Yet we all imagine we are at least a 7 and try to get the attention of 8s and 9s.
    If we had a more realistic sense of our own attractiveness (or lack thereof) we’d choose our targets wiser and get more responses.
    Here are some objective indicators of attractiveness however:
    – If you are overweight, you are not good looking; don’t delude yourself otherwise
    -If you are acne scarred, you are not good looking; don’t deluxe yourself otherwise
    – If you have kids, most people will not be interested
    -If you seek dates outside your race, ethnicity, or religion, you will likely be rejected. (or attract only people with a fetish); sad commentary on society but true nonetheless
    – If you have been trying online date sites for several weeks and get no significant positive results, you aren’t good looking. Sorry, but it’s true

  2. 182

    You don’t know anything about me, dude – least of all what I look like, so maybe you should stop speaking about things you don’t know anything about.

  3. 183

    I don’t need to know what you look like; if you were really an 8 or 9 you wouldn’t do as bad as you stated on match. I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m just being realistic.
    I personally am under no delusions that I’m a hot guy. Most women look at me and think “meh”. I wasn’t exactly swamped with suitors when I was on match, and had numerous ego bruising rejections, many from women I didn’t even find attractive but just saw something that intrigued me in their profile.
    Yet I had a date with a really good looking women the first week I tried match and would hook up a with reasonably attractive women on a fairly regular basis there when I was using it (1 or 2 a month). And to be honest, my profile sucked. A half assed hastily thrown together thing with some crappy android pics. 
    And trust me, I don’t like online dating sites and am not here to defend them. Full of scammers and creeps and oddballs (man, I can tell some stories). And yeah, you gotta contact a LOT of women before you snag one and learn to steer clear of scammers and nuts. But you seem to have done especially poorly on there. If you’re really an 8 or a 9 you must be wearing a Nazi uniform in your profile pics or something because you would definitely do better than you say you have.
    I think you make some good points here but it really shouldn’t be as hard a time as you’ve admitted to. If you really are as hot as you mere must be something really off about your profile that you aren’t aware of. The Nazi uniform bit is a joke, but could be something else. Seeking women far outside your age? Other races/ethnicities/religion etc.? A lot of women will just not date someone who isn’t of their preferred demographic.
    Honestly, even if you were but ugly you should be doing better than you say; you’re doing something wrong.

  4. 184

    Yeah, you’re right. I am doing something wrong. I just can’t figure it out. The whole thing is a mystery to me, and I just find it so awkward and strange when I can’t read peoples’ body language or facial expressions. Maybe that’s part of it.

  5. 185

    A general comment about looks, not directed at jhc389, that really impressed upon me just how important looks are to people. The cardinal rule of course on dating sites is that you muse have a pic. People don’t respond to picture less profiles.
    But when I first went on match, I was concerned about people I know seeing me on there. So naively, my first plan was to have a witty but pictureless profile and provide pics to women I was interested in. I knew I on omen wouldn’t initiate contact with me without a pic, but that was fine; I wanted to control who saw me.
    There were a few problems with this approach. One was that match makes it surprisingly difficult. You can’t simply attach pcis to “talk match” emails. You have to do something like provide a link to a website with your pics. Match sometimes edits out links, and sometimes they just don’t work. And a lot of women are still spooked by a pic less profile anyway and won’t bother, or will think it’s spam or some such. In short, it just doesn’t work; you gotta post pics.
    That said, during the brief time I was approaching women this way, I managed to get responses from some very interested, very attractive women. I guess I have a good rap, because a few tried really hard to find a way to see my pics. I generally either would use a humorous approach or else, believe it or not, pick up on something they said about their beliefs in their profile and lay some philosophical musings on them (believe it or not, a lot of women really like that). I have a couple of fairly substantial rounds of communication with a few hotties on there, who were really interested in me based on what I wrote to them alone. I guess I should be someone’s Cyrano DeBergerac, lol. They all said more or less the same thing: “I usually never respond to profiles without pics, but I’ll make an exception in this case” or something to that effect.
    Anyway, in every case, when these women finally saw my pics, the interest was GONE. Yeah, OUCH! Kinda ego bruising. And it also leaves you somewhat disillusioned about humanity in general, to be somewhat melodramatic perhaps. Because some of these women were actually pretty intelligent, and had some interesting things to say. And when I would say to them something like, “what if you don’t like my picThey they invariably would say something like “oh, looks aren’t all that mattesuch or some such. They LIE, lol. 
    Now, I have a few friends who are bonafides studs with the ladies. Guys who can and do walk away with the hottest girl in the room whenever they’d go bar hopping or what have you. Babe magnets. And when they used match, which they would now and then, they would get swamped with hotties contacting them. Real girls, not Russian scam profiles. And their profiles were inane, and they were both really dumb guys. They had no capacity for witty banter or humor. Just “Yo, wassup” more or less. Basically, these guys were “guidos” (I’m from NYC).
    So, yeah, looks matter, a helluva a lot more than wit or intellect. Looks are very important. In fact, a real good looking guy with no job or a very crappy job who lives with Mommy at age 30 will STILl hook up with hotties. They won’t want a serious LTR with a loser like that, but they’ll sleep with them. Repeatedly.
    A guy with a lot of money can afford to be less attractive, but I’ll tell ya right nevent women will usually take a hot guy with a modest salary over an unattractive man with a mint. Both choices are shallow (one os for looks, the other for gold), but the ugly unvarnished truth is just that: people ARE shallow. We like to think we’re higher minded than that, nobler. But romantic attraction is driven by our most base, animal urges and instincts. 
    It occasionally snows Florida and lightning sometimes strikes twice so there may be the occasional exception that proves the rule, but in the main thems the facts. Unattractive people usually end up settling for what they can get. Or if they’re lucky they can meet a fact chick who’d be hot if she lost weight and slim her down ( i.e. a “project”), or a good looking women with poor social skills or low self esteem who doesn’t realize she’s cute, or maybe a foreignor who thinks any Amercian is attractive. There are some women with ethnic fetishes, that just go for certain ethnic types whether the dude is good looking or not. These are the loop holes.
    As for ugly women, well, they’re kinda screwed. Figuratively. If they want the literal variety they can dress like a street walker and hang out in bars late at night and wait for the beer goggled patroboring get horny.
    Cyncoal enough for ya? Oh, aren’t people horrible? Lol…

  6. 186

    [Yeah, yeah, yeah, the autocorrect gods really killed me on that one. Oh, a kingdom for an edit button, Katz.]

  7. 187

    In my case, over 850 women looked at my profile. One winked, we met for coffee, nice lady, she was too tall for me (I’m 5’6″, she’s 5’10” and a big 5’10” at that). One sent a ‘like’ for a date idea and met me for coffee and it turned out she wasn’t attracted to me. One went out with me for four dates but didn’t seem interested in being anything more than just friends. Out of the 35-odd emails I’ve sent to women, all have been ignored save for these three.
    I must be super, super-ugly to get such poor results. I’m off to a therapist to try and rebuild my shattered self-esteem (fuck you very much, Match!), and then I’m off to the Philippines or Thailand to find someone who will actually appreciate me for who I am and not expect me to be this mythical knight-in-shining-armour Mr. Perfect. Western women are incredibly selfish, spoiled, and unreasonably picky and they treat men horribly. I see a future involving lots of loneliness and lots of cats for most of them, because men aren’t going to put up with this kind of garbage for much longer!

  8. 188

    I don’t really send out emails anymore on Match. Mine don’t even get read before the 30 days passes.

  9. 189

    I got on Match last year because for about two years I did not met anyone I was interested in, everyone I met seemed too young, or in a relationship, or not a match at all. A friend’s friend just got married and met her husband on Match. So I was, why not?
    I was active in Match for like 3 weeks. I was approached (winked or emails) by about 400 I think, and from those about 120 mails or so. I emailed back if the grammar was decent, the mail was OK, and according the profile there could be a match. I had rules like guys with pictures of them in a mirror was a big NO, for instance, or guys showing off their muscles, etc. I had an email conversation with about 35 guys. I met like 12. But then I met a guy who seemed so genuine, and even though it was not crazy attraction from date one, he pursued me, and he was so nice, and fun…that well I started liking him more and more. We started dating almost right after. After about a year we got engaged, and now happily married. I had good experiences with the people I met, most were pretty cool and seemed normal. Only one out the 12 was kind of weird.

  10. 190

    I rarely  get a response i’m 1 for 60 or so…or they may respond but once i try to take it to the next level and try to meet in person…they never write back,  I don’t send mass emails, I read way too many profiles, try my best to be social, and nothing.  Match has made me 3 times more depressed.

  11. 192

    I am surprised to hear how many guys say they get no responses. I must admit, I do not reply to all of my e-mails (I am just overwhelmed, I can’t reply to them all ) I reply to men who’ve intially contacted me, and then never hear from them again. Or we e-mail for awhile, and they disappear. Of they ask for my phone #, then don’t call. Or they break a date the day before. And no, I’m not an uggo or illiterate.

    Of course, I have successes to. I have gone out on many dates with good guys who just weren’t a match for me. I have also met several couples who are together due to online dating. So since every couple I know consists of a man and a woman, it has to be working for some men.

    1. 192.1

      Hello SparklingEmerald,

      I just wanted to say what a lovely username: an excellent start which makes you sound interesting already. You deserve to succeed in your quest.

      I’m sorry to hear of the lack of second e-mail responses. You can obviously write, so this sounds inexplicable. Perhaps you’ve been replying to ‘shotgun technique’ men who aren’t really serious.

      And date-cancellation is absolutely unacceptable (except perhaps in the case of direct meteorite-strike, with attached photographic evidence.) Delete and block this fool immediately!

      Have fun and good luck,
      Mark x

      1. 192.1.1

        Hello Iridium_Moon – I think my initial post must be over a year old, and I don’t recall seeing your nice reply.

        It’s funny, when I first join OLD, I WAS overwhelmed with e-mails, but they mostly seemed to go nowhere. I was an on and off OLDer. The last incarnation of OLD, the response dwindled down to a teensy-tiny trickle.

        But despite the teensy-tiny trickle, I met someone who is really a good match and I couldn’t be happier. Quality won out over quantity ! The only reason we aren’t together tonight, is because I had a scheduled rehearsal, which got cancelled at the last minute, so I decided to use this opportunity to grocery shop for and cook up a big pot of white chilie for when we see each other later this week.

        I have learned that there are LOTS of scammers, fake profiles, etc (amoung the real, sincere ones) I have uploaded pictures through google search and have found that these men are on several dating sites, under various occupations and living in various countries. So I have been contacted by cat-fishers, not only through the dating sites, but through facebookd and meet-up. I have also had men write to me and freely admit that they have posted fake profiles as women to see “their competition” which means they themselves may have contributed to the frustration that men face in OLD.

        TWICE, I have responded to very attractive men who listed their height as 5’1″ — 2 inches shorter than myself. We’ve gotten as far as talking on the phone. One very enthusiastically asked to meet me, one was enthusiastic by e-mail and lost interest on the phone. Mr enthusiastic on the phone sent me a text just hours before we were too meet and said “I have to cancel our date. Turns out we aren’t a match after all”. Since various commenters in various forums admit to posting different profiles online and tampering with the height to prove a point (about how awful women are) I wonder if one or maybe even both of these guys were doing their own social research, and I blew their hypothesis. And to meet me if they were significantly taller than what they state in their profile would be rather awkward.

        I have also, to my dismay have read that OLD sites have been conducting social experiments through their sites and one article even said that match sent out fake winks. I always thought it was strange that I was getting winks from drop dead gorgeous guy from across the country. (which I never responded to) Probably an experiment to prove that women will respond to crumbs from men thousands of miles away if he is a super hottie.

        But after 3 years of on and off OLD and meeting fakers, flakers,users, losers, jerks, catfishers, guys looking for NSA sex, and some very good men who just weren’t a match, I found my needle in a haystack.

        So not all OLD rejection might be real rejection. It could just be the collateral damage from social research projects, by the OLD sites, and people with just to much time on their hands. Or catfishers who were never going to meet anyone anyway, just try and scam people for money.

        1. twinkle

          Congratulations, S.E., I’m glad your faith and continued efforts were rewarded. 🙂

  12. 194

    I’ve been on Match.com for about 6 months with a 2 month break in the middle.  In the beginning, I didn’t really know what I was doing and sent out way too many emails.  I estimate about 20.  I got 1 response: thanks but no thanks.  I decided to get better at writing emails and narrow down my prospects.  After that, I sent very few emails and ending up getting 3 dates.  The first two were of no interest to me and the third I enjoyed very much but the feeling was not reciprocated.  Very frustrating!  The thing that bothers me the most is that I’ve received so many winks, likes, and interests, but no woman has ever actually written me an email and initiated a conversation… what is with that?!

  13. 195

    Hey, ML – whoever you are – you write a lot of sense. And well-written, literate, correctly-punctuated, humorous sense to boot. That helps a lot if you want to attract women!
    I used Match for a time and found it huge fun. It was not difficult to get responses to the majority of emails I sent, 80% plus. I am saddened to hear that this doesn’t happen with all of my fellow men 🙂
    With one single exception I always replied to incoming mail, but never to winks. Nor did I ever insult a woman by sending a ‘wink’. If a man can’t be bothered to write a few lines to a woman, what kind of a lover is he going to be? A lazy-arsed selfish twit I’d have thought. Do you really want to advertise that fact? 🙂
    I’ve had quite a few dates in my local area, and all were massive fun. But I did pre-select for those who could write, and sometimes even demonstrate their profound sensuality by use of the semi-colon 🙂
    I found my long-term partner online: she’s beautiful, fun, has an IQ off the scale, and is bisexual too, which I, being something of a voyeuristic perv, found a huge bonus 🙂  This indicates that dream partners ARE out there, but they have to be snapped up quick!
    I think one of the ‘secrets’ is not to try too hard. Desperation is extremely unattractive: even to those who are desperate themselves. And Match does have a fair percentage of people from that particular demographic …
    The other important thing is to craft an interesting profile. On two occasions I’ve sat at a date’s home and, with much laughter – unfair I know – been shown other chaps’ profiles and initial emails. It’s a cliché, but it’s not hard to see why some guys are single. 
    I mean, lines of x’s and nothing else, sexual stuff on first contact, ‘your hot, lets meet’ (sic), and so on; does this stuff ever work? Gentlemen, there is a LOT of competition out there for attractive women on Match. You must do better than that.
    All the best and good luck!

  14. 196

    Oh and while I’m in didactic mood, here’s some (perhaps presumptuous, but there it is) advice for the women.
    I adore and respect women – most of my friends are of the female persuasion – and would rarely ‘reject’ any matchgirl who writes to me, even where I saw no chance of physical or romantic attraction (either way).  I genuinely am happy with the friendship thing.
    But there were/are a few criteria which cause immediate rejection. Of course I don’t know if this is just me, or a more general feeling among the men. It would be interesting to discuss.  So here goes:
    1. Too beautiful a picture. Yes, it’s true!  Supermodel profiles belong to scammers. Always ignored and blocked immediately.
    2. No picture at all. This demonstrates either a supremely ugly woman (rare) who compounds this by taking no care of herself or, more likely, a lack of confidence. Neither trait is attractive.
    3.  No smile, just a blurry glare/swivel-eyed lunatic stare taken in a mirror, often with a flash in the picture. This is, quite simply, terrifying.
    4. A picture showing greasy/dirty hair. Yes, really.
    5. This is the BIG turn off! (For me, anyway.)
    Pictures of cats. Or other bloody animals. Please don’t misunderstand – I do like animals (and find many species delicious) but I’m on a dating site to meet a human female, not an animal. I may be a bit of a perv sometimes, but there are limits 🙂
    Perhaps those pictures are supposed to demonstrate how lovely you are; how showing yourself cuddling two cats, or hugging a big smelly dog, makes you appear a kind and caring person with so much love to give. This may well be true. But no animals on a dating site please. It’s a big and immediate turn-off. Men will think you are a sad, lonely, desperate potential bunny-boiler. You will attract only the male equivalents.
    (One exception might be working dogs on a farm, or horses, as these indicate less of the creepy sex-substitute paradigm.)
    To be fair, the male Match equivalent is a picture of some saddo standing (oh so proudly) next to his CAR!
    And that applies even if it is an Aston Martin: surprise her by picking her up in it, don’t talk about it or show it off, as that makes it appear it’s ALL you’ve got; and that you’re probably a boring w*nker 🙂
    6. Pictures of groups of giggly girls. Although obvious to you, it is usually impossible for the casual viewer to discern which individual is you. It may also provide the impression that you can only ‘do this’ if put up to it by your drunken mates. This does not demonstrate maturity, and is not a good look.
     I could go on. And on. And often do 🙂
    But I also have to eat.  Have fun and good luck!
    Mark x

  15. 197

    What a man writes to me, or how well he writes his profile is not that important at all to me.
    If he has has the right statistics, and shares some things in common, and I am attracted….I will write back!

  16. 198

    I really don’t think it matters that much what you write in a message. If the person is already attracted to you, nothing you write will change that much. Some one I’m attracted to writing me a “boring generic” message will always be way more awesome than some one unattractive writing me the wittiest, funniest first message ever. I think almost everyone has been there, yeah?

  17. 199
    Karl R

    Brandon, (#198)
    I can’t really relate.
    When a beautiful young woman sent me the standard boring, generic email spam, I assumed she was either trying to pull a scam, or trying to obtain a green card.
    Neither of those strike me as “way more awesome” than a witty, funny message. If I found the woman unattractive, it still wasn’t going to go anywhere. But at least it meant that I was drawing the genuine interest and attention of women who were capable of being witty and funny.

    1. 199.1

      Karl R (199)
      That’s great and all, but it still doesn’t change the fact that some one I’m attracted to writing me a “boring, generic” message will always be awesomer than some one unattractive writing me the wittiest, funniest first message ever. But, to each their own.

      1. 199.1.1
        Mark Ribbands

        Karl R, I’m with you on this one.
        Brandon, how can you know if you’re really ‘attracted to someone’ without a few back-and-forth emails, preferably with some substance?  Are you suggesting that just looking at a few pictures and reading a profile is enough, and that, conversely, you wouldn’t be put off by receiving an idiotic, thoughtless e-mail?
        If so, that strikes me as a spectacularly shallow way to gauge true attractiveness.
        Unless, of course, you are looking only for a quick shag – an acceptable aim in many circumstances 🙂 – but not, I suspect, what this site is about.

  18. 200

    First off, I will say that as an attractive women (40) I get a lot of emails from men who I would NEVER date and it is very confusing. The reason it’s confusing is because if these men really read my profile, they would instantly know that we were NOT right for each other. On the RARE occasion that I do get an email from an interesting man, starting off with “Hi, I’m ____.  can I have your number?” will get you nowhere. Men who write emails who refer to things I’ve written in my profile and then tell me WHY they liked it or HOW something I said is similar to them in some way DOES work. Men shouldn’t ask for a woman’s number until you have had some time to chat back and forth for a while and get “a feel” for who that person is! Then, the man should be a gentleman and say something like , ‘I’d like to get to know you better. Do you feel comfortable giving me your number? Or, would you prefer to email more?” Something like that will make a man stand out. I know it seems obvious but most men that I have encountered don’t get this.

    1. 200.1

      I must be writing the wrong women then because I always read to see if there’s a glaring mismatch, then I refer to things in the profile like you say. I’d never ask for a # right away. I would just be happy to chat with someone to start, but I never get responses, even from women who said they were interested first.

  19. 201

    Hi Evan,
    my case is a weird one . I have tried almost all the dating sites . I have sent about 300 requests but I have received less than 10 responses so far . I am a professional , active, intellectual and sportive guy and according to what my friends says , i am good looking although I see myself as an average looking guy . Every girl who knows me says how come you cannot find a partner !
    I think I have most of the qualities a girl may look for and I am looking for a serious relationship but this extremely low rate of response makes me think maybe it is really the question of looks.

  20. 202

    Here is my debacle – I have been online dating on and off for about 3 years.  I don’t think I have ever written a first email to a man.  My inbox is flooded with emails and winks from men – both desirable candidates and not so desirable ones.  I make an effort to respond to all emails (even the ones that I do not want to date, because hey, the dating game ain’t easy). 
    I have implemented the 2-2-2 rule of two emails on-site, two emails off-site and two txts/phone calls before meeting up, which nicely screens for men only looking for a pen pal.  I go out on at least two first dates per week, and I frequently hear how this is the best first date Mr. Man has ever been on blah blah blah….how is a girl like me single?  yadda yadda.  After the date, I lean back and let him follow up with me.  A few txts or emails later and….poof!   He is gone.  I date a lot of men who are very alpha and have busy careers, but I call bulls*it on anyone who doesn’t even have the time to fire off a quick txt message. 
    A few weeks later, after I have been left to wonder what happened, Mr. Man contacts me.  I rarely respond to these communications, as I don’t want to inspire flaky men to be even flakier. 
    Then we have the men who get angry when they realize I am really not having sex with them on the first date.  I am not sure which is more exhausting. 
    I just don’t get it.  It is really frustrating. I know there are successful relationships left, right and center of me.  I am so sick of first dates….sitting home by myself and a glass of wine while watching HGTV is becoming a very attractive option. 

  21. 203

    So does anyone want to tell my why women take so long to reply when they actually do start a conversation? Especially when they initiated the conversation in the first place… I had this woman email ME for a change and I replied to a degree that shows that I am genuinely interested and I had actually read her profile. 30 minutes later the message came up as “read”. I assumed it would take her another 30 minutes to reply to me as it did take me some time to compose something after I read her initial message. Though it has been a couple of days now and she frequently pops up online. Is this just what women do because they think they are “playing it cool”? Or is this just a fake profile perpetrated by Match to occasionally give male users “hope” in the program? I have had them stop conversing with me in the past after several exchanges and even after attempting to come up with plans for a first date. The difference with those is I initiated the conversation instead. It does not make it any less wrong on their part but you would think that someone who showed interest in me first would at least be straight forward. I don’t get it, does any one have answers to this or have experienced the same? It’s really making me have cynical feelings towards the true nature of all people.   

  22. 204

    It’s funny isn’t it… Comparing the response rates of man to woman communication versus woman to man communication.  Think about it.

  23. 205

    To be honest, I wouldn’t have responded to the Costa Rica email if it was real. I thought it sounded way too smartass…a real turn-off.

    I’m currently dating a guy I met on match.com. He didn’t write the most exciting email I have ever read, but I am so glad I met him. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had. I’m sure that following Evan’s advice helped too, of course 😉

  24. 206

    I am male, 32, 5’11”, white, slim/athletic, looking for relationship.

    I contacted about 200+ women.  3 responses that lasted 2 or 3 messages. 0 dates.  Girl just stopped responding without indication as to why.

    I was very genuine.  Not creepy or needy sounding.  I wrote some creative messages, some confident sounding ones, and some sweet ones to see if anything works.  The girls I contacted were all average or a little above average.  They were average body types and some chubby looking ones as well.  I was trying to contact girls that looked on par with my previous girlfriends or a little below their looks.  Absolutely zero success with responses. 

    1. 206.1
      Mark Ribbands

      Hi Ed, that’s appalling! 
      You sound like a nice chap, so how about an experiment?
      Post here, or link to, a précis of your profile, and some extracts from your mails, and let the ladies on here suggest what, if anything, you’re doing wrong.
      Might be fun, and instructive to others too.  We are all on the same side!

  25. 207

    I have come to the conclusion that, whatever you do with regards to – replying to all emails, ignoring the ones who simply don’t float your boat or they haven’t made any effort with the initial contact or giving feedback, it will never be right!

    I’m not sure any of us would appreciate negative feedback from a person we think we like from their profile and photographs. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! Internet dating is great and awful in equal quantities. It can be a very lonely experience and the anticipation can turn to disappointment / rejection / happiness in a split second.

    The traditional way of dating was so much more romantic and a socialble experience. At least you had your friends to reminisce about the person you met and will you see them again or about what you will wear for your date.
    I would go back in time to the 1920’s in a heartbeat!

  26. 208

    It is human nature to want someone more attractive there have been two studies on this issue both times everyone who volunteered dressed up in a body suit the first one all makeup was removed hair was pulled back photos were taken and then showed to another group the second study much the same how ever numbers were randomly place on each participant’s for head the results everyone tried to pair up with higher numbers .It seems that all of the effort in creating a algorithm based profile did not better than random choice

  27. 209

    I’ve had atrocious luck overall in online dating. My “best” experience was living in South Texas, which has a majority of Latinos, specifically Mexican. Within a couple of months I had four dates. I say this because in my life, as a Latino man, I’ve noticed pretty much any girl who’s shown interest in me was either Latino or some kind of “ethnic” heritage, like Arabic or Indian. Fast forward here in Central Florida over a couple of months, I’ve had zero dates and only one response that vanished. I’ve never put too much effort into emails because most women reply simply on attraction. I’ve had simple “how are you/where are you from message” that have gotten replies and I’ve written in-depth, careful messages that are tossed aside, and vice versa. I think Evan overestimates the importance of emails and negates the powerful fact of the “halo effect”. If a guy looks good and is tall, he’ll get a reply most of the time no matter what he writes unless it’s some crazy psychobabble. On the other hand, a short unattractive guy can write the greatest, funniest prose every put on display and once the woman sees the pics and height number, they move on. Honestly speaking, if a female I find unattractive writes me, it doesn’t matter what she writes. It’s just the way it is and online dating is a meat market and simply a cruel game of batting averages.

    1. 209.1
      Karmic Equation

      John, it’s true that you can’t control whom you’re attracted to. But for you, if you are as homely and short as you imply, you need to write to women that would find you attractive, which would mean women you don’t find attractive out of the gate, e.g., women “below your league”.
      Date women based on what they write in their profiles and not what they look like.
      Perhaps if you practiced what you preached, good karma would come your way.

      1. 209.1.1

        Great advice.  I did that.  I stopped wasting time on the hottest guys who had little interest in settling down and opened myself to guys I had been looking past, and found a guy that I truly enjoy being around.  At first, it was in my mind that he was not as hot as I was used to dating, but the most we spent time together, the less that entered my mind.  Now, I see him as better than those unattainable guys.  I enjoy spending time with him, more than any guy I have ever known.
        If he stops looking for a fantasy, and starts looking for a best friend, he will find happiness.  If he keeps doing what he has been doing, he will only find loneliness.

  28. 210

    Love is self belive

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