Is it Possible to Have a Conversation With a Guy Online Without It Getting Sexual?

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I want to know if it is possible to have a conversation with a guy without it getting sexual? I’m not talking about a little flirting, I’m talking about body parts being described, how they would be used, etc. I’m all for a little flirting, but it seems like the internet puts no barriers on what a person will say. I mean, if I met some guy at a party, after a little flirting, he wouldn’t tell me how hard his C$(K is, now would he?!?! And he wouldn’t want to know how I think that would feel, either. Now, he may very well be thinking these things, but he would never come out and say them in person, especially after knowing me only a few minutes.

I’ve even had some quality conversations, that after a few days of talking, turn into this kind of a discussion. Is this just the way it is? Is this what I am to expect?

I don’t have a problem with a man telling me I am sexy, but if I acknowledge that, am I setting myself up for these kinds of conversations? Is there a way to avoid it, or should I just avoid these men if they go into it?

I’d love some advice on this. I’m getting a bit fed-up!

Leah

Hey Leah,

What are you wearing right now?

Sorry. Too easy.

And that’s the thing with conversations that devolve into sex talk. It’s simply too easy to go there.

This is the nature of online communications. Millions of people hiding behind their computers to connect. Except some of them are dorks parading as big shots. And some are men acting like little girls. And some are women being brazen when they’re super-shy in real life. But the one thing we know about online communications is that people can be whoever they want to be. With one amazing caveat — they’re never held accountable for their actions.

The one thing we know about online communications is that people can be whoever they want to be. With one amazing caveat — they’re never held accountable for their actions.

I want to do something revolutionary here and change that statement to “we’re never held accountable for our actions”. Because when we’re talking about policing online behavior, it always seems to imply that it’s everybody else who’s wrong, when, in fact, WE’RE what’s wrong.

No matter how you slice it, this is a societal problem from the presidency on down — we’re a bunch of hypocrites who lie and cheat and misrepresent and fabricate – and cry and complain when everyone else does the same thing. This isn’t about you, Leah. This is just something I needed to get off my chest.

Sure, I’ve gone there before — notably when discussing liars. See, it’s okay when I say I’m 5’10” instead of 5’9”, but it’s awful when a woman claims to be 130lbs when she’s really 150lbs. It’s fine when I say I have an “athletic” body instead of an average one, but it’s not cool when she says she’s 35 when she’s really 37. Telling the truth is for other people; we want the right to play fast and loose with the facts as we see fit. Because WE’RE good people. And THEY’RE bad people.

But good people steal office supplies. Good people get “creative” on their taxes. Good people write nasty things on blogs. And we do this for one main reason — because we’re never held accountable. If we were, we’d clean up our acts REAL fast….

Take the hypothetical “test” that the military asks its members to consider before making decisions. It’s called the Washington Post Test: “If you are facing an ethical dilemma, ask yourself what you would do if you knew that your actions would make the front page of tomorrow’s Washington Post.” When faced with the idea of being “outed” for the world to see, our standards of behavior skyrocket. Would anybody leave a profane message like Alec Baldwin did for his daughter if he knew it would make the nightly news? No f-in way.

This disconnect between what we do in public and what we do behind closed doors is WHY we have private lives — so we can hide things that might be considered embarrassing.

This disconnect between what we do in public and what we do behind closed doors is WHY we have private lives — so we can hide things that might be considered embarrassing.

God knows I’ve probably done some foolhardy things over fifteen years of dating, and I can only hope that those women have forgiven me. And I’ll tell you — after seeing media figures raked over the coals of bloggers, haters and little people — for nothing more than being themselves — well, I’m just bracing myself for that day when some of my old bad karma comes back to haunt me.

I know this isn’t really an answer to your question, Leah, but it feeds into something just as important — the understanding that lowbrow, shady, embarrassing, perverted, negative behavior flourishes on the internet like bacteria in a Petri dish. Sure, you can minimize it by not tolerating it, but idiots will always be idiots. The quickest way to teach them a lesson about dirty talk is to block their profiles instantly. Maybe then they’ll get the idea that it may be fun, but it’s not going to get them a date with a quality relationship-minded woman. 

 

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Lori

    I’m surprised Even didn’t say this..but take a look at the pictures you are putting in your profile. If they are sexually suggestive, then you know why men respond to you in this manner.
    I don’t put sexually suggestive pics online and men respond to me in a gentlemanly manner.
    I have looked at my competition in my area, and I’m absolutely disgusted by some of the pics that women put on there. Shots of their cleavage are almost the norm, and pics of them laying in suggestive poses, on the bed, etc are fairly common. Look on the free website Plenty of Fish and you will see that the women with pics like this have a higher number of guys rating them as Favorites. Why do women do this? Do they think this is the easiest way to get a mans attention? Maybe it is for them, but I’ll stick to the good quality men who approach me as a gentleman because my profile reflects this is what I’m looking for.

  2. 22
    Lance

    If you think this is bad, try posting an ad in the personals on craigslist. A girlfriend of mine did this once when she lived in San Francisco. She posted a basic profile and a single picture and got 500 emails in 48 hours (true). She said 450+ were from complete weirdos, psychos, idiots, and douchebags. Yikes.

  3. 23
    Leah

    Lori–you’re right about the pictures, which is why I make sure that I don’t have any suggestive pictures in my profile at all! I have 2 head shots and one with me sitting at a table. In none of them am I wearing anything provocative. At least with me, it’s not the pictures; unless my face or smile is just so sexy that it suggests all I want is sex…lol.

  4. 24
    Lori

    Leah,
    You have a good sense of humor!
    but like Mattie said…maybe it’s the dating site you are on.
    I don’t know about you though…but I moved from a large metropolitan area to a smaller city, and hardly any of the guys here use any of the dating sites that you have to pay for, so I do know that can be a problem.

  5. 25
    JerseyGirl

    I agree that there are plenty of men online with salacious behavior. I always consider these men somewhat pathetic. But there are men out there that are more respectful as well.

    I also will add that I hate when a guy expects you to do all the talking and when you try to get a conversation going he answers in one word response. Then when you stop talking with him out of boredom, he IMs you back: “you there?”. The intellectual conversation is…mind-numbing at best.

  6. 26
    Leah

    JerseyGirl–you are so right about that last comment! Last night someone IM’d me and said “hi.” I said hi back, then he didn’t respond…so I asked him a question. I kept getting one word answers from him. I ended up ending the “conversation” after a while of sitting here bored. So I ask this, why say hi to a woman if you’re not willing to have a conversation? I just don’t get it!

  7. 27
    m

    “I also will add that I hate when a guy expects you to do all the talking and when you try to get a conversation going he answers in one word response. ‘

    In men’s defense (I’m sure some are shocked), I’ve read that they don’t have as many connections for neurotransmitters between the left and right sides of the brain as we do, which is why conversation is harder for them (all things being on a continuum, of course; there are some men that are quite verbal).

    (It’s one of the many reasons I loathe IM. An evil invention for those attempting to be productive. Men interrupt you and then sit dumbly on the other end; women interrupt you and then yatter endlessly on. But I digress.)

    However, in my gender’s rebuttal defense, I’m wondering why these men don’t *recognize* that they have a handicap in their conversational skills, and if they want to meet women, get out and DO things with the women that are around them locally. That way, they don’t *have* to talk, because they’re *doing* stuff! Problem solved! Shiny!

    It’s called compensation for a trait the other sex perceives as a fault. God knows WE do it all the time.

  8. 28
    hunter

    to m,

    …I agree with you, it takes women two paragraphs to say something a man can say, in two words….that is basics….men leave out details, of their trip to the grocery store, to the post office, etc…..

  9. 29
    hunter

    to m,

    …you said, “in mens defense,” I agree with you, women do have tenfold or more of neurotransmitters, connecting the left and right brain, that allow them to process information “quicker”…just part of their “defense mechanism”….

  10. 30
    Geek Dating

    Of course its possible. I have had many many conversations with women online as friends. Thats such an old fashioned view of the world.

  11. 31
    meme

    I was reading all the comments, but wondered, a friend of mine met a guy over the internet, in fact mentioning plenty of fish site. That where she met him. He talked to her for months. She started to like him, met him twice and had him over her house three times. within a year, most of the other times they spoke on the phone. (every night) He told her that he only wants to be good friends with her nothing more, she understood that, but it was too late for she feel for this jerk don’t ask me way? However all awhile as they were dating he was on all the dating sites. she mentioned this to him and he said that he didn’t know what he was looking for? But still she stayed with him. After a year passes, his calls and emails to her got shorter and shorter. Now he’ll write her very rear. and shes been writing him, but now he doesn’t even return a reply. But the worse part is that this man is on line everyday on one of the dating sites everyday, but can’t write back an email. She wrote him and asked him if he met anyone and he didn’t acknowledge anything that she said, she told him that she’s confused and wanted to know if they are still friends, he never answered that all he said is that he’s been very busy..And guess what! He started off with his conversations to her nice for the first four months, and then started talking dirty to her and at that time she already started feeling something for him. (but she knew that he didnt want a committment) so I say it’s her fault as well for likeing a pervert! She asked for for advice, i told her to forget him, I don’t know what else to tell her. could anyone comment? (PLEASE DO NOT POST MY EMAIL ADDRESS THANK YOU)

  12. 32
    JerseyGirl

    (It’s one of the many reasons I loathe IM. An evil invention for those attempting to be productive. Men interrupt you and then sit dumbly on the other end; women interrupt you and then yatter endlessly on. But I digress.)
    —————————————————————————

    Haha, me too for the same exact reasons.

  13. 33
    vino

    “Is it Possible to Have a Conversation Online With a Guy Without it Getting Sexual?”

    Yes, but it’s not nearly as fun!
    😉

  14. 34
    Caelii

    At last! Someone who udnrestndas! Thanks for posting!

  15. 35
    lou

    @ Ejercito and Starthrower, yeah those Nigerian Scammers are equal to the various American men flashing dick pics and sending little dick pics to Nigerian women’s mails looking for sex….

    As it feels horrible to be told a sob story to get scammed or asked for money…So it is to be sent unsolicited american dick pics and talk dirty perverse sex talk to a stranger…So objectifying, both ways..

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