Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s?

I’m a 42 year old single male who recently left a 5 year relationship for various reasons, but mainly because I wanted kids and she did not. I thought that since I was an attractive, fit, well-educated, financially and emotionally secure guy that I would have no problem finding a woman in her mid 30s to settle down with and start a family. I have tried a combination of online dating, speed dating, professional singles events, volunteering, happy hours etc. and have had very few dates over the past year. I thought that online dating would be great since you are essentially pre-screening people for dates. I have found that I get no responses from any women online and the only women who respond to my ad are usually much older and don’t meet any of my criteria outlined in my profile.

I am told that women want to settle down and have kids, etc., but their actions seem to be to the contrary. At singles events, women come in groups and are reluctant to talk to men. In online situations, women say they want desperately to meet a nice guy like me, but never answer my response to their profile. I am trying to remain positive, but two things are really bothering me. One, that younger women are no longer interested in dating men who are even just slightly (3-5 years) older than them and sometimes want to date men 5-10 years younger then them. Two, women seem to be content in the fact that they are independent and self-sufficient and have a career, family and friends that fulfills them and don’t seem to be interested in truly finding a relationship. I find the latter hard to believe, but find this mantra in every profile of every professional woman online. Any advice on how to navigate these new paradigms in the dating world?


Dear Adam,

You came to the right place.

And to directly address your email, I have to divide my response into two different parts: 1) What You’re Getting Right and 2) What You’re Missing.

Let’s start with What You’re Missing. We’ll do What You’re Getting Right next week.

Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40sWhat you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want. We’ve addressed this before, from an older man who couldn’t possibly fathom why a younger woman wouldn’t want to be with him. This isn’t all that much different. We can complain that the opposite sex is unrealistic and passing up great opportunities – and we’d be right – but it doesn’t change that people want what they want. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It just IS.

From 25-34, men play around a lot. Why? Because they can. They have a lot of dating options, they’re building their careers, and there isn’t a clear urgency to settle down.

Once a guy crosses 35, however, he (theoretically) tends to get more serious.

What you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want.

Alas, the women with whom he wants to get serious are 27-34. This gives men time to court, fall in love, travel together, move in, get engaged, and enjoy a few years of childless marriage before starting a family.

The problem is that many women from 27-34 are independent professionals just like their male peers. They, too, have a lot of dating options, are busy building their careers, and don’t have a clear urgency to settle down.

Then she hits 35. Theoretically, this is when she starts to get more serious. This is also when all the problems start.

Because 35-40-year-old men who are ready to settle down still want to have time before becoming dads. Thus, their target market remains women, 27-34 – who may not be ready to settle down quite yet. These women still have money to make, places to travel and oats to sow.

The 35-40-year-old women who ARE ready for marriage, unfortunately, are roundly ignored by the men they desire – their 35-40-year-old peers. These women are youthful and find themselves far more attracted to men in their 30’s than their 40’s.

…the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age.

Which brings us to you, Adam. You say you’re looking for a woman in her mid-30’s. That’s perfectly fair. But if none of them are looking for you, your wheelhouse is going to be women in their late 30’s to early 40’s:

Find the people who want you. It’s the same exact advice I give to women in their early 40’s who want men in their early 40’s…except men in their early 40’s want women in their 30’s.

And around and around we go.

I’m being a bit unfair, Adam, because there IS a market for a 42-year-old man – and you can certainly be doing better than you’re currently doing. Pick up a copy of Finding The One Online and it should make a difference. Seriously. But the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age. To a 34 year old woman, 42 sounds OLD. To a 42-year-old man who wants his own biological children, anything above 36 is getting into risky territory. The lesson to all of you younger readers: take your love life seriously when you turn 30, instead of waiting until you’re 35 or 40.

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  1. 31
    Karl R

    Annette C said: (#25)
    “[Adam] doesn’t spare a thought for the women, who may have wanted children and still do, but are running out of time. You know, those women who were once young enough to have kids, but met men that just couldn’t make that commitment.”

    How are these women running out of time? My sister adopted her first at 41, and is getting close to adopting another at 44.

    Why are people so insistent upon raising children who share their genetic code? (Or their skin color, for those who choose adoption.) Why don’t they spare a thought to the children (particularly black children) who need loving parents?

    I guess they’re just more interested in breeding and being parents their way.

    You have put your desire for children who are your own flesh and blood above the needs of tens of thousands of children in foster care who need adoptive parents. Why are you condemning Adam for putting his desires over those of you and your friends?

    1. 31.1

      Because too many don’t realize how expensive  adoption is. Unfortunately, some of the adoption processes for domestic infants can’t cost $10,-$20,000 with no guarantees of getting a baby. One Christian based adoption agency (being Christian) explained why don’t give back refunds and then shamelessly used religion to promote their brand by using the God grants miracles tag line as a way to get people to give them their money anyway.

  2. 32

    Re: #31

    Wonder if Adam would consider adoption, either as part of a couple, or as a single man? Hmm.

  3. 33

    Either Adam should be more open to dating women closer to is age, or he’s chosing to pursue the wrong women. Because many women in their early 30’s are indeed looking to settle down with the right guy.

    Also, Evan, one point you brought up..” Because 35-40-year-old men who are ready to settle down still want to have time before becoming dads.”

    Truth is, most married couples I know of have had kids within a year or two of marriage – even the ones who marry into their late 30/40’s (exception being one partner in school/transition, second marriage). So the idea that a guy wants to enjoy coupledom for a few years BEFORE having kids tells me he either has unrealistic expectations or isn’t really ready for a commitment. Besides, what happens if his girlfriend/wife unexpectedly gets pregnant soon after marriage?

    And lastly, many women have childern into their 40’s one way or another. So a guy over 40 who pursues women younger than 35 because of their child-bearing abilities is really a smokescreen for immaturity and comittmentphobia.

    1. 33.1

      Not as many as people think though. A large number have to use surrogates, donor eggs, or freeze their own eggs. Women need to realize by time they reach 44 they only have 1% chance of getting pregnant using their own eggs. Men also have trouble in their 40s, but not to the same rate as women. And if kids is dealbreaker to certain people younger than 50 or 40, I don’t think we have any business scolding them for it or their choices of women.

  4. 34


    And lastly, many women have childern into their 40’s one way or another. So a guy over 40 who pursues women younger than 35 because of their child-bearing abilities is really a smokescreen for immaturity and comittmentphobia.

    Fertility rates for women start to dip after 30, accelerate after 35, & drop off a cliff after 40. Every medical study on the subject has confirmed this.

    Here’s a tidy summary for you;
    Pregnancy over 40 and Related Risks
    There is a sharp decline in a woman’s ability to achieve pregnancy over age forty. The fertility rate per month is only about 5% and even with in Vitro Fertilization (IVF), the most successful infertility treatment available, the pregnancy rate is only about 10% per try. This is due to the greatly reduced number of normal eggs remaining in the ovaries of a woman over forty. Therefore, women who desire a pregnancy over 40 should seek help after only 3 months of trying to become pregnant. Estimates from embryo biopsy reveal that at least 90% of a woman’s eggs are genetically abnormal when a woman is over 40. This is explains the increased pregnancy risk over 40. The miscarriage rate is 33% at age 40.

    You’re the one who is using this debate as a smokescreen downtowngal.

    1. 34.1

      For those of you who claim to have unassailable knowledge as to when women’s fertility rates drop, please tell us why you can speak with such authority on medical issues.  Are you a physician?  No?  Then don’t speak about issues you know nothing about.  My husband is an OB/GYN, and a fertility specialist.  He says that 37 is the age of the so-called “fertility cliff” for the OVERWHELMING MAJORITY of women.  Are there women who have babies without medical assistance at 45?  Yes….RARELY.  By the way, a woman’s fertility is virtually the same at 36 as at 16.  The women who have difficulty conceiving at 36 would likely have difficulty conceiving at 30, 26, etc.  The steep drop is at 37 for the average woman.  37. 37. 37.  Got it?  The peak of fertility is at 22, but the decline from 22-36 is so negligible that it barely warrants mention.  The reason why there is so much confusion about this topic is because of the people who throw out numbers as if they are experts.  “The decline is at 25, no 30, no 45….”  WRONG.  Doctors agree it is THIRTY-SEVEN when the most major decline in fertility occurs.  

  5. 35

    NDG#34, thank you for your clinical summary. I’m not using anyting as a smokescreen, just stating facts. Fact is, there have been many advancements in fertility treatments. Fact is, guys who refuse to date older women (and i’m not saying OP is doing this) are making assumptions for a potential dating partner without understanding the full picture.

    I have a friend in her mid-30’s who’s been married for 10 years. She and her husband have been trying to have a family during that time but have had difficulty. I also know of women in their 20’s who have gynacological issues preventing then from aving children….not something you’d want to post on your online profile.

    bottom line: you fall in love and marry the person. age based on fertility, even if well-intented, eliminates a potential pool of compatable dating partners.

  6. 36

    Several years ago I saw a program were an ob/gyn cited those same statistics. Her point was this is something doctors should be informing their patients, but often didn’t. She went on to say, she wasn’t telling women who knew they wanted biological children they should grab any guy off the street when they were in their 20’s and most fertile, but rather that women needed to be aware of these facts because there was a trend to put off child bearing until the late 30’s or beyond. Women who waited until everything was “right”, the established career, the large house, money in the bank , having years alone with a spouse before children, etc. , were finding themselves unable to conceive or to have repeated miscarriages if they did conceive late 30’s – over 40. Not all women ofcourse, but the fact that 90% of a woman’s eggs are bad by the age of 42 is a pretty sobering statistic.

    This info needs to get out not only to women, but to men as well. Men who want biological children “someday”, but prefer to spend their 30’s childfree may find themselves having less of a choice when they are older. Also, autism has been linked to the age of the father. Something else to seriously consider.

  7. 37

    Selena #36- so very, very true.
    I think information about fertility has done women who want to have biological children a service, because instead of women in their late 30’s trying again and again and just hoping things turn out okay, they can seek medical treatment/information sooner and increase their chances of getting the outcome they want.

    I also think people need to hear about higher instances of autism (and some other issues) being linked to the age of the father, because from what I’ve observed most people don’t know about that.

    Sometimes i think of the whole thing like going to a (4 year) college: if you know you want to go, there are some things you have to do in advance to prepare. You take your SATs (junior year). Apply for schools/financial aid (junior/senior year). Then you get your acceptances in April and show up in September. You don’t just wake up one day in August and decide that you want to go to Harvard and show up at the gates.

    So it is with relationships/marriage/children- I think you have to do some things to ‘prepare’ so to speak. Knowing that you have some time constraints should just help you with your preparations.

  8. 38

    Fertility rates for women start to dip after 30, accelerate after 35, & drop off a cliff after 40. Every medical study on the subject has confirmed this.
    This is somewhat true. But not entirely. Fertility rates in women do begin to dip. However, there are also many women who are in their 30s, might have the eggs of a 20 year old. Also, fertility rates in men also begin to dip at 30 as well. We usually only think about this in context to the woman. But nature does not prescribe a way of life where men are to be fertile and making babies well into old age and women are to not. The truth is nature wants both young health men and women to make babies. Not 40 year olds on either side. This is why men, as they age, experience ED and other sex related issues and why we see so many unnatural drugs targeted at men to buy back their ability to have sex. We are all familiar with the little blue pill because it is a huge problem for many men. And it’s a huge problem for men because that is nature’s way of also weeding down older men’s ability to have children. It has also been proven in many studies that older males are JUST as big a contribuators to issues in their offspring after having children after a certain age as women can be. So it is no big secret that women age and their bodies change. But it is also no big secret that the same happens in men. The difference is that men have tried to creat the illusion that they will always remain the most highest quality of fertility well into their 60s. Which is just a myth.

  9. 39

    Here’s some info reported in the Washington Post about a recent large study on autism: “When fathers are in their thirties, children have about 1 1/2 times the risk of developing autism of children of fathers in their teens and twenties. Compared with the offspring of the youngest fathers, children of fathers in their forties have more than five times the risk of developing autism, and children of fathers in their fifties have more than nine times the risk”.

    Here’s a link to an article that lists other potential problems associated with older fathers:

  10. 40


    How many women in their 30’s do you think have the eggs of a 20 year old? How many women in their 30’s do you think get tested, year by year, on the viablility and quality of their eggs and general fertility?

    You use the word – might. The reason for the medical research on female fertility being shared with the general population is so that people can make informed decisions. Statements such as “many women in their 30’s might have the same eggs as a 20 year old” are of no solace to a couple who have gone through the miscarriage of a much wanted child. Let alone several miscarriages. Who possibly, optomistically, wanted to believe they fell into the might catagory.

    If you can find statistics on the percentages of women in their 30’s and 40’s who actually have the eggs of a 20 year old, please share them.

  11. 41

    Selena, I don’t need to find statistics to be quite honest. I said it was a possiblity. I didn’t say it was the rule. I am not disputing medical science in the least. Did I or didn’t I not agree that women’s fertility does drop? The point of my post was not to provide solace or medical advice. The point of my post was to point out that male fertility drops and changes as they age, as does women and sometimes, older age in women does not always mean an inability to conceive. I do not advocate that someone shouldn’t take their health and fertility seriously and not get checked. However, what I find incorrect here is the judgement that women are the only one s responsible for issues in infertility.

  12. 42

    Putting together the thoughts of previous posters, I think the problem is this: In modern society, it makes sense from the standpoint of sheer survivability to put off having kids as long as possible, so that both men and women can become more secure in their jobs, higher education, etc. The drawback, for those who want kids, is that fertility problems increase with age in both men and women. So how can one reconcile these differences?

    Sadly, right now, it’s impossible. Science and technology are making great advances in decreasing biological age, with research on telomeres and gene therapy, among other areas. But in the near future, it boils down to people having to make hard choices about what they would RATHER have.

    In the end, we CAN have it all; we just can’t have it all at once. And don’t dismiss the idea that Karl R and others brought up earlier about adopting. I can personally attest to the fact that it’s possible to love adopted kids as much as biological kids. How much does it matter to pass on our genes, anyway? These aren’t really OUR genes; they’re the genes of our ancestors. If you read Richard Dawkins’ “The Selfish Gene,” you get quickly disabused of the notion of passing down your genes.

  13. 43

    Sorry, but I believe you are making opinion statements without the research to back them up.

  14. 44

    Selena, downtowngal, JerseyGirl, others: The statistics you are quoting about female fertility are coming from fertility clinics, and the data collected are on women who have presented themselves as having trouble conceiving. From the scores of friends I have who have been through those fertility clinic doors, I can tell you that these are businesses, and their research are used as such and are very much manipulated.

    If you speak to a biologist, rather than a fertility doctor, you will find that there are no comprehensive studies on what the natural span of a woman’s fertility is, and there are no tests that can predict whether or not you can get pregnant. I have been searching for these studies for a long time for a paper I am writing and have only found two that come close to presenting controlled data on the natural span of female fertility for a representative sample population–and the researchers had to go way back in history to find the data. Reason being: Most women who are in their late 30s/40s/50s today are not trying to get pregnant and are taking precautions against it or are ending their accidental pregnancies. Point being: In order to get accurate statistics on female fecundity (ability to conceive) there are so many factors you would have to control for.

    So, if you want to be truthful, you cannot make general statements about the fecundity of the entire female population in this way. You have women at 20 who cannot conceive (and yet “look” like they can) and women at 51 who can conceive (and yet “look” like they can’t).

    When you approach menopause you will see this: you will start getting all the stern warnings from your ob/gyn to keep up with your birth control. Why? Because you might still get pregnant. (The assumption being that you don’t want to be at that age. Not sure why they always make that assumption, but…)

    Or go to an abortion clinic and note the high number of married 40-somethings in there. (Abortion clinics report that the bulk of their patients are in their teens and in their 40s. You never read this statistic in the media.)

    And yes, I do hold the media is responsible for this kind of bad science getting bandied about. When you have an ob/gyn who tells you that they just don’t know why some women get pregnant and why others don’t, no matter what the age, you have a good, honest doctor there.

  15. 45

    Selena, what part of my post is completely untrue? Did I disagree with medical science? Did I not agree that women’s fertility decline as they age? Did I not say the same applies to men? Did I say that all women past 30 have the eggs of a 20 year old? Certianly not. Frankly, I am quite confused what you find so offensive or untrue. There is nothing that i said that was so far out there. If you are honest with yourself, you will see that we all look at the facts and come to our own conclusions. Since there are many different facts, with many different people, we all come to many different conclusions.

  16. 46

    Prior to watching a television program some years ago, the only thing I knew, vaguely, was that the incidence of birth defects was higher when the mother was over 40, and that the average age of menopause was 50. It really shocked me to hear that by age 42, 90% of a women’s eggs were degraded, damaged, or otherwise unviable. Did you know that? The doctor on the program’s focus was on educating women of the realities of reproduction and ageing so they knew what they were up against. When you wrote of “…many women in their 30’s might have the eggs of a 20 yr. old” to me, that came across as dismissive, flip and possibly made up. Where did you read women in their 30’s might have the eggs of a 20 yr. old? And how would you define Many anyway? I was irked by this JG, but you are completely right: We all look at the facts and come to our own conclusions, and since there are many different facts, with many different people, we all come to many different conclusions. No surprise there huh? lol 🙂

    And Ann made an excellent point about research. If we aren’t doing our own research on the research, where it comes from, how it was sampled, analyzed and drawing our own conclusions – we are allowing ourselves to be spoon fed what the media chooses to present any given week. Thanks for the reminder Ann!

  17. 47
    Evan Marc Katz

    Um, it’s generally considered harder to have a kid when you’re 40 than when you’re 30; that’s part of the reason that men prefer younger women. The fact that male fertility may drop as well doesn’t change the above statement or influence men’s opinions. I’m not sure what there is to debate.

    1. 47.1

      It’s interesting that in every discussion on fertility, we focus on the woman. The truth is, barring any obvious medical diagnosis – no one, male or female, knows their ability to have children. Men and women share equally in all infertility cases in the country (of all infertility cases, 40% are attributable to issues with the man, 40% are attributable to issues with the woman, and 20% are unexplained). So honestly, the guy doesn’t even know if he can have kids until he tries. It’s really unfair to women. There are so many things that affect fertility (a baby really is a miracle). I have two aunts who got married when they were 19 to men who were 19 also – but didnt have babies until their early thirties. Their young husbands had the fertility issues. To the writer – If you want a family, you can find a way to have one. Focus on finding the person you want to spend your life with – even after the children left the nest.

      1. 47.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Sorry, Susan. First of all, if having a baby is a miracle, then you’ve really devalued miracles. Virtually every person in history who wanted to perform this miracle has done so. Next, no one is denying that fertility issues can come from the father. But what we do know is that men remain fertile for longer, where women, with a finite number of eggs, don’t. “While a man’s sperm count decreases over time, the drop-off in fertility usually isn’t dramatic (or even problematic)—nothing like the statistical plunge a woman experiences after 40.” This is why everyone focuses on women’s fertility. If a man wants his own biological children, his odds plummet after his wife turns 40 (and I say this as a man whose 40-something wife had two kids). Women should not have the same fears of never conceiving with men over 40.

        1. Susan

          All I’m saying is that HALF of all infertility cases are attributable to the man. Period. Men become overly confident in their virility and fertility (at any age).
          And with respect to my comment about a baby being a miracle – I just meant that what has to line up physiologically for conception to occur – from a scientific and medical perspective (not just the idea of getting knocked up after too many tequilas one night) – really is incredible. Incredible. I have a lot of medical knowledge in this area, and learning about this just leaves you in awe of the human body. But, you know, there are 26 year old women who can’t conceive and 39 year old women who get pregnant on their first try. Fertility is just a lot more complex than number of eggs and sperm count. My bigger point was for people to relax and make decisions out of love and not fear.
          By the way, I love your blog :-).

        2. Samantha

          Women are also more attracted to younger men 20-35… Just because they become less fertile doesn’t mean their attractions change either.  It’s a two way unfair boat. 

        3. Lightbulb Moment

          Evan, please quote the research or proof of the “statistical plunge” you speak of.  I hope that others will not consider any research offered by the medical community with a slant toward fertility as the official Gospel – though, ironically, it’s the often only source we have to cite.


          Times are changing and, thankfully, more unbiased information is becoming increasingly available as the information collected isn’t just limited to the publishments of the clients of highly profitable clinics. 


          I encourage all women beyond “37”, and even beyond Menopause to tread bravely, though carefully (and not the other way around). Well-rounded knowledge and tested sources are the only true power for such life-changing quests as these. 


          We all know scores of “older” women having perfectly healthy babies, and plenty without assistance (their voices can be heard on many message boards online, if your social circle isn’t quite big enough to prove it so).


          I delivered my first child at 43 and my second at 47, with no complications nor assistance. I have never been on birth control, scarily regular periods, never smoked, no drug use, a very occasional drinker, and a health nut from an early age. My friend and peer had her first and only baby at 48 (no complications or assistance) and didn’t live quite the lifestyle I had over the years, and still delivered a healthy babe at an older age, so anything is possible!


          Just do yourselves the honor of truly weighing ALL the evidence and sources before you give up even considering, let alone trying.


          As Ann suggested, and as I’ve researched myself, this “sudden cliff drop-off” is certainly at least male-biased and at most worthy of a closer look at the “source”.


          These sources often have a 90% plunge rate, right into the pockets of those with the most disposable incomes and deepest fears (35+somethings).  


          Always match motives with statements, and especially with %’s and numbers, just to make darn sure they’re not secretly punctuated by $ signs.


  18. 48

    I find it interesting that for so many years we’ve been telling ourselves that we can put off having children, and in fact that’s it’s better for children to be put off at least until one hits 30. The basic idea being that the longer the parents have a single life, the better they’ll be as parents because they’ll get out most of their self-centered desires and be more responsible parents. But I guess now that people have actually tried this path, they’re seeing some negative results regarding conception and birth defects so the pendulum appears to be swinging the other way (i.e., get kids done early so you don’t screw them up biologically). Just out of curiosity, how have people been searching for their data on all of this? I’ll be doing some of my own and depending on what I find may advance my baby timeline a bit (though it will still be while I’m in my 30s).

    And Evan, would it be possible to go back to showing which thread a person is commenting on on the right hand side under “Recent Comments?” Also, can you enlarge the size again of the text within this comment typing window. It appears to be about 7pt or so, and even with my 20/20 (corrected) vision, it’s really small.

  19. 49

    IceQueen proclaimeth:
    Also, I dislike the attitude of older guys towards older women or women their own age. Hei, I will be old some day too they will not get a piece of me for putting down my older sisters!

    As a woman who prefers younger men, aren’t you doing the same thing to older men that you complain they are doing to your elder sisters?

  20. 50

    Selena, I will answer your questions when you answer mine. J But being that you choose to ignore mine, I will give yours the same consideration. I actually believe you to be dismissive and flip and possibly making up your own facts in-between some truth.


    Evan Marc Katz Jan 6th 2010 at 07:32 am 47

    Um, it’s generally considered harder to have a kid when you’re 40 than when you’re 30; that’s part of the reason that men prefer younger women. The fact that male fertility may drop as well doesn’t change the above statement or influence men’s opinions. I’m not sure what there is to debate.

    I think we all understand what standard men hold women up to that they do not hold themselves up to. And while it might not change or influence men’s opinions, it should and does change and influence many women’s opinions as we learn more about then negative affects older men have on their offspring. Hence the reason why alot of women do not want to settle for an older man. We also have to consider biologically what he has to offer, good and bad.

  21. 51

    Maybe as we learn more about the affects older men have on their children, we will slowly come to a point where men will begin to take women more seriously earlier in their own lives instead of wanting to play the field until they are in their 40s and then try to get a 20 year old to settle down with them. This could be a good thing for women . there is more and more research being done everyday on how older men affect their offspring. It’s probably one reason why we see so many cases of children with autism.

  22. 52

    I get a lot of attention from older men and I still talk to them and go out occasionally. Some of these guys I really appreciate, but I can’t help the fact that I do not fall in love with them. If I were a 32 year old guy, would I consider going out with a 44 year old woman on a date? No, a guy would usually dismiss that entirely, most of the time. But I still try to give these men a chance and try to date them because I might get attracted to one of them. It just doesn’t happen unfortunately.
    I’m a free, self sufficient person and I can date who I want – they can be 25 or 40. It’s just that I dislike the culture of devaluing women based on their age and don’t want to be a part of it. I know this will sound unusual, but since we have a sort of an equality now, let’s have it all the way. If I have to work as much as the man and have the same duties as the guy, then I will have the same privileges, one of which, is dating younger (or same age), as long as that younger age group shows interest. After all, not all of the older guys that approach me are willing to be the complete provider, are they? A lot of them still want me to bring along my own paycheck. Kids is another issue – most of them have already had kids and are reluctant to go through that child raring experience again, and honestly not all of the 35-60 year old guys are fit enough to be a father of a small child. It takes immense energy to raise a child plus keep a regular job.

  23. 53

    JerseyGirl brings out very valid points. These issues need to be put in balance.
    It is obvious that nature wants us to have kids early on, after all in the ancient times the usual life longevity was only 30 years. Boys produce sperm very early and some girls can get pregnant as early as 13. Same as some women can get pregnant at age over 45. So the fertility span is quite broad. But those are all extremes. Nature is very smart and it has arranged a certain period for both sexes to have offspring. As was mentioned already, this is why many men are less likely to have good erections after a certain age, just like the testosterone levels drop after age 30 and so does their sex drive decrease eventually. Both sexes should have children early on. The human growth hormone starts decreasing at age 23 for both sexes, so this is the time that the actual aging starts. Women of course lose fertility earlier than men plus the culture/social status gives men a longer fertility span (perception). But it doesn’t mean that either should drag it out until they are 35 or older. Men might think that they can drag it out until they’re 35-40 and then they will find that fertile and hot 25 year old. They might, but their chances will diminish because there’s not enough 25 year old women to go around for all the men who desire them in the age group from 21-50. Plus the women in their 20s are not always willing to settle down these days.
    There are a lot of studies now about men’s fertility. Sperm counts drop after age 30. A doctor told me that in couple infertility, 52% of the cases are due to the guy’s fertility problems. It’s still easier for the guys, of course, but it just needs to be taken into consideration, that’s all.
    It would be much healthier for a woman who’s let’s say 32, to get pregnant by a 20year old healthy guy because his sperm is definitely more lively. Doesn’t often happen like that in real life, but biologically it would be much better than getting pregnant by a guy who’s over 35. This doesn’t mean we can’t have babies at an older age, but still.. and many of these things are in nature’s hands not ours.
    Another issue is the money and guy’s stamina. Traditionally older guys are considered to be more affluent and better providers. This has always been the reason why the older guy/younger woman dynamic worked so well. Today it is not always the case. Many older guys today either have average incomes or they do not want to share their income with the woman. The female will still have to work and collect the child benefits from the taxes that she has herself paid. What is peculiar is that I have been approached many times by much older guys who make less money than I do. This is probably an exception, but it still happens.
    But the biggest issue is his stamina and physical strength. Does a 40-50 year old guy really wants to go through all the child raring process again? I want a strong and healthy dad for my kid – someone who can carry the baby pram upstairs and can play hockey or ball with the small son. Someone who has the patience and stamina to take care of the youngin while I’m on errands, cooking, cleaning or making money. Is this something that most of these over 35 year old guys would wanna put up with? Many of them just seem interested in their motobikes, luxury travel and FHM. 🙂

  24. 54

    Re: #41

    You have women at 20 who cannot conceive (and yet “look” like they can) and women at 51 who can conceive (and yet “look” like they can’t).

    And you have men at 20 who cannot conceive (and yet “look” like they can) and men at 94(!) who can conceive (and yet “look” like they can’t). A 90 year old man concieved his own biological child. The absolute upper age limit for women having their own biological children is much, much lower than it is for men.

    Or go to an Abortion clinic and note the high number of married 40 somethings there. Abortion clinics report the bulk of their patients are in their teens and early 40’s. (You never read this statistic in the media.)

    Because it isn’t true. The CDC (Center for Disease Control & Prevention) keeps quite comprehensive statistics on abortion. According to their research, 20% of women who have abortions were teenagers, and only 2.4% were over 40. The majority of women having abortions were in their 20’s and 32.4% were between the ages of 20-24 (More than teenagers & women over 40 combined).

  25. 55

    Figure 3, from CDC website, shows the abortion rate broken out by age group in a line chart. Top three lines (highest rate of abortions per 1,00 women) are in the age categories of under 15, 15 to 19, and over 44. Figure 2 shows the same info in a bar chart.

    Here it is:


  26. 56

    I don’t know about you, dude, but I don’t know any guy who wants a younger woman so he can have kids. He wants a younger woman cause she looks better.

  27. 57
    Karl R

    Ann, (#55)
    You misread the data. It’s not abortions per 1,000 women. It’s per 1,000 live births. Take a look further down the page for a more accurate breakdown by age (Table 16).

    It looks like 2.8% of all abortions are for women who are 40+.

  28. 58


    Thanks for posting the link.

    The tables you are referring to point out the ratio of abortions per 1000 live births, not per 1000 women as you stated. Teenagers and women in their 40’s have far less children than women in their 20’s, which is why they can have a higher ratio of abortions to births than women in their 20’s who actually account for the majority of clients in abortion clinics.

    Look at table 4 in your link, you will see that women in their 20’s had 55.3% (423,577) of all abortions in 2000 (20-24-32.6%, 25-29-22.7%). Teenagers accounted for 18.7% (143,286) and women over 40 had 2.8% (21,639). Women over 40 represent only a tiny percentage of women giving birth and those seeking an abortion.

  29. 59

    OK. This will probably be a strong aberration from any trend regarding age apropos dating scenarios. I am a 63 year old man. Granted a younger version of one physically, as I tend to be health conscious and active. Also, my field of endeavor is one that “keeps me in touch” with the now in many areas, ie technologically, et al. My dating pool includes women in their mid thirties to mid fifties. And the majority of them are mid thirties. At the risk of sounding conceited, which I am quite the opposite, even shy, some of these ladies have made the initial advance. Needless to say, I am completely aware of the realities of finite lifespans and not remotely thinking about having children or getting married (well.. have to think about that one.). But as far as just having a great time and sharing lots of wonderful stuff, sex included, it seems to be going well(!) Anyway, for the “really old” guys who have become depressed reading the above posts, there is hope! I have really enjoyed reading all of them, sincerely. Ciao.

  30. 60

    I’m 20 and have dated someone significantly older, but I would never date someone who wants to be with me BECAUSE I’m younger and make a good breeding machine.
    Maybe your problem is not your age, Adam, but the very sexist attitude you show.

    1. 60.1

      Ps: Im 33 my partner is 42…he isn’t old he is HIM!


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