Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s?

I’m a 42 year old single male who recently left a 5 year relationship for various reasons, but mainly because I wanted kids and she did not. I thought that since I was an attractive, fit, well-educated, financially and emotionally secure guy that I would have no problem finding a woman in her mid 30s to settle down with and start a family. I have tried a combination of online dating, speed dating, professional singles events, volunteering, happy hours etc. and have had very few dates over the past year. I thought that online dating would be great since you are essentially pre-screening people for dates. I have found that I get no responses from any women online and the only women who respond to my ad are usually much older and don’t meet any of my criteria outlined in my profile.

I am told that women want to settle down and have kids, etc., but their actions seem to be to the contrary. At singles events, women come in groups and are reluctant to talk to men. In online situations, women say they want desperately to meet a nice guy like me, but never answer my response to their profile. I am trying to remain positive, but two things are really bothering me. One, that younger women are no longer interested in dating men who are even just slightly (3-5 years) older than them and sometimes want to date men 5-10 years younger then them. Two, women seem to be content in the fact that they are independent and self-sufficient and have a career, family and friends that fulfills them and don’t seem to be interested in truly finding a relationship. I find the latter hard to believe, but find this mantra in every profile of every professional woman online. Any advice on how to navigate these new paradigms in the dating world?

Adam

Dear Adam,

You came to the right place.

And to directly address your email, I have to divide my response into two different parts: 1) What You’re Getting Right and 2) What You’re Missing.

Let’s start with What You’re Missing. We’ll do What You’re Getting Right next week.

Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40sWhat you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want. We’ve addressed this before, from an older man who couldn’t possibly fathom why a younger woman wouldn’t want to be with him. This isn’t all that much different. We can complain that the opposite sex is unrealistic and passing up great opportunities – and we’d be right – but it doesn’t change that people want what they want. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It just IS.

From 25-34, men play around a lot. Why? Because they can. They have a lot of dating options, they’re building their careers, and there isn’t a clear urgency to settle down.

Once a guy crosses 35, however, he (theoretically) tends to get more serious.

What you’re missing is that what you want has absolutely no relation to what women want.

Alas, the women with whom he wants to get serious are 27-34. This gives men time to court, fall in love, travel together, move in, get engaged, and enjoy a few years of childless marriage before starting a family.

The problem is that many women from 27-34 are independent professionals just like their male peers. They, too, have a lot of dating options, are busy building their careers, and don’t have a clear urgency to settle down.

Then she hits 35. Theoretically, this is when she starts to get more serious. This is also when all the problems start.

Because 35-40-year-old men who are ready to settle down still want to have time before becoming dads. Thus, their target market remains women, 27-34 – who may not be ready to settle down quite yet. These women still have money to make, places to travel and oats to sow.

The 35-40-year-old women who ARE ready for marriage, unfortunately, are roundly ignored by the men they desire – their 35-40-year-old peers. These women are youthful and find themselves far more attracted to men in their 30’s than their 40’s.

…the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age.

Which brings us to you, Adam. You say you’re looking for a woman in her mid-30’s. That’s perfectly fair. But if none of them are looking for you, your wheelhouse is going to be women in their late 30’s to early 40’s:

Find the people who want you. It’s the same exact advice I give to women in their early 40’s who want men in their early 40’s…except men in their early 40’s want women in their 30’s.

And around and around we go.

I’m being a bit unfair, Adam, because there IS a market for a 42-year-old man – and you can certainly be doing better than you’re currently doing. Pick up a copy of Finding The One Online and it should make a difference. Seriously. But the bigger takeaway is that ALL of us are very judgmental on age. To a 34 year old woman, 42 sounds OLD. To a 42-year-old man who wants his own biological children, anything above 36 is getting into risky territory. The lesson to all of you younger readers: take your love life seriously when you turn 30, instead of waiting until you’re 35 or 40.

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Comments:

  1. 721
    Roger

    After reading the following posts, I’m extremely depressed now and don’t even want to bother looking anymore. I just hit 42 last April and ended a year long relationship with a wonderful woman who was 34 due to long distance was wearing on her (I live in Seattle and she in Vancouver BC).  I luckily always kept active and believe it or not and am a lot better shape than I was in my 20’s and 30’s. I still act like and have the same interests since I was in my late teens and 20’s (cars & music are my passion). I would love to be dad and love my nieces and nephews dearly. I was surprised  yet flattered when approached by younger women thinking I was in my early 30’s (no gray hairs or wrinkles….yet). But reading most of the comments that men over 40  are dinosaurs makes my heart sink a bit and ask myself, why bother if this is sentiment out there.

    1. 721.1
      Andre

      Roger, when have American women been available to us American men?; never. Inspired by feminism it’s all about them.dont come on this site expecting support either.Find a woman overseas. They are better anyways.

    2. 721.2
      Al

      Roger: You’re just experiencing what we women have been dealing with for centuries. Men have always devalued us as soon as we hit 40. Now men are being subjected to the same thing. The playing has been leveled.

      1. 721.2.1
        AllHeart81

        I have to agree with Al here.  Notice that Roger said he was 42 dating a 34 year old. It’s not like Roger is a 42 year old dating a 42 year old.

  2. 722
    SparklingEmerald

    Don’t give up Roger.  There are still plenty of women who think 42 is sexy.  I fell head over heels in love with a 42 year old when I was 29, but he was freshly divorced (married his HS sweetheart who was pregnant when he very young) an his kids were closer to my age than I was to his.  He said he cared ablot about  me, but since he had been married and a dad right after high school he wanted to experience his new found freedom :(.     Believe me, I would have married him and had his children if he had been into me enough.  I know I’m a tad unusual, but I’m not alone.  And there are probably women in their mid thirties, no kids yet who could fall in love with a 42 year old relationship/marriage/fatherhood oriented man like you, so keep on looking !

  3. 723
    Fa

    This happened to me to…in the reverse…

    Recently divorced and ready to start dating…..attractive 45 (slim, toned, and been told I look younger than my age) I was repeated astounded at how my age group (40-50) were looking for 30-40… 

    The way I saw it was older middle aged man divorced from a women seeks a young bit of young stuff who seem to be way more attractive  then my age group.

    Typical!! 🙁 

  4. 724
    Martin

    I’m a norwegian man at an age of 45, but I look and feel as a 16 year old kid. I see a lot of wimmen in the 20’s and 30’s turning their heads after me and wondering. But they seems too old for me. In fact I found that I’m very happy alone in this world. I’m truly free. Why should I care what wimmen think or feel? They’re like trees in the woods, and I’m just laughing at their demands and “high horse” lives.
    The media always focus on the female side, like their something special with their makeup and cosmetics. I look handsome as I am in nature, and I feel wonderful inside. I love it when young girls whistling after me, and they can’t have what they wish for, it’s a great feeling! I wouldn’t have it any other way. But never have I taken any advantage of my sex appeal, because I’m not a fornicator like most men and wimmen are.
    I read in a magazine ones, that in a experiment done with 1000 wimmen and their emotions, all of them felt the same looking at pictures of nude men as they did when looking at landscapes. Their sexual reaction appeared only when seeing pictures of females lightly dressed. I guess it’s the status that drives them, and to have something that other wimmen wants. There’s no feelings inside a box chokolate either!
    Even your children will look old to me even when I pushes 80. Like an exceptional car or a exquisite wine, I’ll never die and never feel old.
    Have a nice day and a happy life, you trolls! 😀
     

    1. 724.1
      twinkle

      Yea sure, are you Dorian Gray? LOL

  5. 725
    Brandon Green

    Hello

    I respectfully and whole heartedly  disagree. I am 54 and have been hit on by good looking women in their 20’s online and elsewhere. Just last week i was hit on by a tall good looker who was 28 from across the country. VERY VERY much depends on what you look like. This going to sound naive for my age but MUSCLE has made a huge difference. Now it could be women just want to sleep with me but would never consider marrying someone
    who is 20 years their elder. Just got out of a relationship with a woman who was 13 years
    my junior. Even in recent times i have seen several marriages where the man was 20 years older.In fact several internet gurus have come out and said that the “cougar phenomena”  is absolute b.s. and times HAVE NOT changed. If i am mistaken in some
     way as to what your article is truly trying to say then please correct me.  

    1. 725.1
      Lisa

      Actually, marriages where the man is 10 or more years older happen about 5% of the time. (Census Data, 2006).

  6. 726
    piglatin

    Bottom line people older women dating younger men works until the younger man himself gets a little older and then wants to date someone his own age??? Dah?  This milf fascination that’s going on right now with young men has been going on since the beginning of time, but the problem is that the women usually gets left holding the bag a few years down the road as they age much more quickly after 40 the man gets to feeling like he made a mistake and boom off he goes with a younger women.   What old movies female movies star hasn’t this happened to?  You aren’t discovering anything new here this has been going on since adam and eve or the caveman days you pick

  7. 727
    Joel

    My 97 year old grandfather had his last child at 95. He has 37 children with 6 ex-wives and several other partners. Until his death at 99, he only dated women between 25 and 45. His last wife turned 46 when he died.

    I’ve never heard of women in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s, having kids, but men can and do.

    My 75yr old father in law has a 42yr old girlfriend and in his 50s and 60s dated women in their mid-20s and 30s. It’s simply biological fact. A woman’s reproductive capacity definitively ends in their lifetime (menopause). A man can continue to have children. Yes, there are risks, but they can continue to procreate. Women cannot – period. Just look at Hugh Hefner or other older famous men having children with younger women.   

    1. 727.1
      AllHeart81

      There are lots of things people are capable of doing but it doesn’t mean they should do them.
      What kind of father can your 97 year old grandfather possibly be to his children? What kind of father could he be even at 60 or 70? What is so sad about this is that it your grandfather’s children that are getting the short end of the stick. Even though many men here treat the discussion like some kind of battle where men win and women loose, it’s the children of these older men that get the short end of the stick. You may be pumping out kids left and right, but it is these kids that do not grow up with a strong father figure. A father that can toss the ball around with them. A father that is involved. A father that shows them that being a good man is about a lot more than just having kids into your 60s.
       

  8. 728
    Robert Bruce

    Horse hockey. Only women in the United States think that when a man is in his forties, or even fifties, is “too old” or “sounds old” because…what was it the author said? Oh yes, it was “because they can.” In places like the Former Soviet Union, the Philippines, even in Western Europe, and basically the rest of the world, men in that age group are super desirable. Any woman who says it’s not true is…American. Believe me, I was 44 and married a gorgeous, successful, educated woman from Kiev who was 25. So, if a woman is saying “You’re too old at 42 to date a woman who is 30” she’s probably an American. Only an American women, as a general rule, think that way. Go abroad and find a great woman. The women in the States are so hung up on things like age, how much you make, your height, every conceivable measure on a contrived “desirability scale” that they can’t see past their own narcissistic ethnocentricity. God to Russia, Ukraine, the Philippines, China, and just about any other place than HERE, and they will love you. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Oh, and be ready to have American women raining on your parade after the fact. They can’t stand it when a man is happy with a woman who isn’t like them. I’ve run into that one, too. Especially since my wife is a goddess, it drives them nuts. A little “Der Schadenfreude” on my part? Yup, and I’m entitled to it. Oh, and just to let you know, they aren’t “desperately trying to get out of their own country.” They just want a man who is decent, kind, loving, and will treat them respectfully–all the things that men in their respective home countries don’t. 

  9. 729
    Robert Bruce

    Oh, and that “health concern about kids” crap? I was 46 when my perfect, beautiful, amazing son was born. So, ignore that horse manure, too.

  10. 730
    Ben

    The problem today is that many women nowadays are very independent and don’t need a man to survive since many of them do make a ton of money, unlike years ago when they had to struggle like men to make ends meat. Women have definitely changed over the years which makes it much harder for us men looking for a serious relationship today, and now that many of the women make much more money than a lot of men do, they will not settle for less.

    1. 730.1
      Lau_ra

      Sure, its a problem if you think women should grab any guy who asks them out as if he is their last-chance-salon. But if you see women as people, there is no problem in them being independent and not having to get with the guy just in order to survive. I suggest that you read a thread on why most men remarry after divorce and women don’t. You’ll see lots of women saying they don’t really care about mans money, but they feel scolded for “showing off their money” and whatnots each time they want to treat themselves or their men (whereas men are rewarded for spending the money they earned for their SOs). Thats why women tend to look for someone who earns the same, so that not to feel bad when just spending money for the ones they love.

      1. 730.1.1
        Dave

        But it should not be all about money anyway, like many of you women want nowadays.  And if you can’t accept a man for who he is, then your such a loser.

        1. Lau_ra

          Oh, boy, some people just don’t bother to read, don’t they? I can accept a man for who he is, thats why I stay away from men who can’t accept me. Don’t want a gold-digger? Well don’t date and marry one. But stop preaching on women WHO ARE THEIR OWN BREADWINNERS and are looking for a partner, not a wallet, on how *all* women only care about mens money, mkay? As Ben says, women did change. Its definitely harder now for a man who has nothing to offer but the money.

    2. 730.2
      Al

      Comments like this one make me wonder how people make it to adulthood without any critical thinking skills. 
       
       
      “The problem today is that many women nowadays are very independent and don’t need a man to survive since many of them do make a ton of money…” Yeah, women can date whoever they choose based upon the SAME criteria MEN use now. This is only a problem for men who have nothing useful to offer and thought they’d have it easy.
       
       
      “… unlike years ago when they had to struggle like men to make ends meat.” Huh? Women are working full time in the same fields men are. They “struggle” in the same ways professional men do. This simply doesn’t make any sense.
       
       
      So, yeah, women don’t have to “settle” for you because they are desperate anymore. Cry me a freakin’ river.

  11. 731
    Richard

    I have spent a considerable amount of time reading peoples comments. Of course there is some truth in almost every comment. Let me give you my personal view. I am currently 64. I was married at 21 and divorced at 33. There were four children from that marriage. I was single until age 38 when I married a woman 10 years my junior. I divorced this person for drugs and cheating after 10 years. I have three children from that marriage that I raised on my own. The last is 17 years old that I fathered when I was 48. She is smart and beautiful. So, I have a total 7 children. I have been on my own for the past 8 years and have sporadically dated during that period of time. I have always dated younger because I have kept myself in good shape and looked much younger than my age. Even though I am 64, I look in my early fifties. I am a self employed businessman, not rich but comfortable. I have dated women who were 30+ years younger than me. Why because they are fun and spontaneous. I am not trying to marry them. I and they, just want to have a good time. These are not uneducated women. They are professionals and have careers. My last child is ready to go off to college and I am looking for someone to settle down with. It won’t be a twenty five year old but it damn well won’t be someone my age because women my age look and act my Grandmother. I will probably end up with someone who is 30 years younger than me. It won’t matter to me that she is divorced and has a couple of kids because I love kids and they have been the best part of my marriages.  I am not looking for maid, I am looking for a friend. I am a well traveled person and if I can’t find what I want here, I will go to Costa Rica or Central America and get what I want there. American women for the most part are too bitchy and unaffectionate. They don’t value a man. Over 60% of American marriages end in divorce. Marriage in America is a bad deal for men because unless they plan in advance, they are going to get screwed by the courts. My advice for single males today is to live with a woman, have children with her, but don’t marry them. Anything protections that she might want, put in the form of a legal contract. If it don’t work out, then the contract is the controlling document and not some Judge. Oh by the way, I got a date with a 36 year old lady tomorrow. She got a couple of kids but so what? Just saying………………….

    1. 731.1
      Vas Alexander

      You are right.
      Interesting post. 

  12. 732
    R asay

    The dating market for men at ANY age is at best “insanely hard”. For men over 40 it is “insanely impossible”. Not only due to the sheer abundance of male births over female births overall over the last couple generations but as said before unrealistic expectations of women. As for internet dating? Men don’t bother because as always men are ALWAYS expected to make the first move. Every woman will get hundreds of responses and men will most likely get none Because of this with every message a man send the odds are hundreds to one of ever getting a response. I think you are more likely to get run over by a tank, struck by lightning, and being bitten by a shark on the same day than a guy getting a girlfriend from online! 

    1. 732.1
      Al

      Oh dear lord! I am so sick of hearing men say that it is Impossible for them to find love over 40 because the women think they are too old. No, actually it is that the young women think you are too old. The only reason you guys are having any difficulty finding dates is because you have completely written off women your own age, which is who you really ought to be aiming for. As long as you guys keep putting all of your focus on women 30 and under you’re going to keep getting rejected. Grow up! Yes, to a 25-year-old, 40 looks freaking old. It’s because you ARE old compared to her! If you’re a 45-year-old dude try dating a 45-year-old woman and you will have no trouble whatsoever. The problem is that middle aged and elderly guys think they’re all entitled to some young hottie. Trust me, it is not the women who have the unrealistic expectations here.

      1. 732.1.1
        AllHeart81

        Big hugs to you Al!

  13. 733
    walker texas wanker

    Dear Adam,

    If I were you I will perish all the thoughts of settling down because simply I won’t like my options.  Women nowadays have really high expectations towards men, that’s why you may often heard “where have all the good men gone”?  And believe me what women actually mean by “good men” or “nice guys” exceeds way beyond the simple concept of “inner beauty” or “inner handsome” if you prefer since you’re a man.  Just take life as it comes, travel to see the outside world, learn new skills, hang up with your friends.  Marriage and relationship is way overrated why even bother, it’s much better to have a dog for companion – it’s man’s best friend after all. 🙂


     

  14. 734
    lib

    As far as a I understand it, it is normal to be attracted to someone your own age and abnormal to be attracted to someone older than yourself, and the reason women historically dated men older than themselves is based in men holding more power than women do and women requiring a man for financial security and not vice versa resulting in men having a greater ability to selectivity in dating than women. If women are no longer becoming involved witj older men at the rates they did in days gone by, that might be a sign of women’s struggle for liberation gradually becoming a reality. Celebrate! It makes me very uneasy when men complain about women approaching equality with men as human beings.

    1. 734.1
      AL

      THANK YOU!!! All these comments complaining that men have it so hard because they can’t rob the cradle anymore now that women have (gasp) jobs and have “gotten so unreasonable” make me a little nauseous. This is the last gasp of a dying breed. As women become more equal financially, they will date closer to their own age because they have a CHOICE.
       
       
      Now these men will have to start treating women like actual people, plunder the selections in undeveloped countries where women are still desperate or live alone and it’s thrown them through a loop. It’s disturbing that so many men have these outdated ideas. Equality is a GOOD thing people! So sorry if women being financially stable isn’t convenient for you. A lot of white folks in the deep south were mighty “inconvenienced” when they no longer had access to slave labor as well. Times change. Roll with it or drown.

  15. 735
    starthrower68

    An anonymous quote that really speaks to me: At your absolute best, you will never be good enough for the wrong person.  At your very worst, you will still be totally worth it for the right person.

    1. 735.1
      Bibi

      This is about the only comment i can agree with after reading pages and pages of mean spirited horse s*it coming  from both sides of the issue. Last week i attended the funeral of a handsome, successful, locally well known doctor of 49 years who committed suicide. He was exactly like one of these men on here who was dead set (no pun intended) on dating and marrying a woman in her 20’s at all costs. Two marriages and countless relationships to twenty something gold digging bimbos later, here’s how his happily ever after worked out: He was pretty mercilessly used by his first 21 year old Philipino wife ( who cheated with a string of young men her same age and then left him for a younger Philipino man). He again married a 25 year old Ukrainian woman who after 3 years of marriage also took him to the cleaners and is now also with a younger man enjoying the spoils of the good Doctors life earnings. He was a friend of mine for 17 years and was a kind person in other areas of his life. BUT, in the end, his own preferences and hang ups did him in. The women here were simply “acting their age” and took what they were given. And I’m  talking about a highly desireable, fit, competitive runner Doctor here. Not the average beta male posting here expecting a hot, young, female breeder to drool over them like they’re  George Clooney for the rest of their decaying lives. 

      My point after seeing and reading of so many examples of failed relationships of every flavor is to do what you want. Age discrimination is a two way street. You might be able to “catch” and even marry a much younger man or woman. Keeping them when your health and vigor begin to diminish is another thing all together. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking you caught the exceptional human being that is completely immune to the call of their youth and wil stick it out with an old fart when more appealing options begin to manifest in the twilight of your life. I’ve  stopped caring either way and have more peace of mind because of it.

      1. 735.1.1
        Jeffrey

        The fact that he married two gold diggers, and whacked himself says a lot about what kind of man he was. He may have been a good person, but clearly a poor decision maker and mentally unstable for sure. 
        .
        He wasnt this high value guy you think him to be. Ive met his kind. Good looking. Successful. Smart. Then you see him show up to a business meeting with a bleach blonde, with a LV bag, 25 years younger. Its so obvious to everyone but him about whats going on. Some guys are simply not ‘tuned-in” to these things.
        .
        If he were truly a high value guy, he would not be with gold diggers……and they wouldnt cheat on him or leave him. 

  16. 736
    Priya

    I’m 29 and have read studies that say that sperm produced by males over a certain age—even when marrying younger women—is more likely to result in autism and other disorders/diseases linked to the Y-chromosome. That’s why I’d be reluctant to get married to any man who was over 35.

  17. 737
    Anonymous

    If you’re a smart guy, you wont date at all…especially in your 40’s. Most 40’s men have built a career and a lifestyle that’s worth keeping. You won’t be able to keep it by marrying. She will take it and everything you’ve acquired with it. MARRIAGE IS BULLSHIT! DONT BUY THE LIE GUYS!

  18. 738
    Dave P

    Reading through a number of these posts, it’s a bit disheartening, but obvious, as to why it’s so hard these days to find a suitable partner to settle down with. Only one post seemed to “hit the nail on the head.” We have become a selfish lot (or maybe we have always been). It seems that our “consumerist mentalities” have worked there way into our love life. It is no longer about what we can bring into someone else life, but rather what benefits we can directly get out of it. When one shops for love based mainly on “value added” it is nothing but a recipe for disaster. Maybe that’s the reason why our divorce rate is so high. Just a thought.

  19. 739
    Lisa

     
    There are several recent studies showing men 40 and over are significantly less fertile than their younger counterparts. And all of these studies on advanced paternal age and various disorders are just the tip of the iceberg for men 40 and over. Half of all cases of down syndrome are linked to fathers 40 and over, according to the first major study of its kind (Columbia Univ, 2003).
    A study in England found if a woman aged 35 was paired with a 40 yr old man, her odds of getting pregnant were 50% lower than if she was paired with a man ten years younger. The Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and their Children found even men in above average shape with a college education, no history of STDs, who had never been on medication that could impact their fertility, didn’t drink or smoke, and had as much sex as the average 20 something, were still 35% less fertile by age 40.
    The average time it takes a man in his early forties to get a woman pregnant is TWO YEARS, regardless of the woman’s age. Another study found men 45 and older took two and a half years, on average. Studies on mice found by mid-life, the equivalent of a man aged 40, they had lost 50% of their fertility and their partner was significantly more likely to have a miscarriage. Large scale studies in fertility clinics found dropping pregnancy success rates for men 40 and over and their partners were significantly more likely to have a miscarriage the older the man was, even if the woman was younger. Miscarriage rates for women paired with men in their 40s were 33%.
    Autism and bipolar disorder are considered to be more prevalent now than when the original studies on advanced paternal age were done so the odds of men 40 and over having a child with these illnesses could be much higher than was previously thought. Autism is now estimated to be 2% of the population and bipolar disorder is not .5% but 2.6%-5%, depending on the study. Then there’s mental retardation, epilepsy, Apert Syndrome ,diminished intellectual capacity, increased rates of ADHD, etc etc.
    Researchers just discovered that virtually all cases of Noonan Syndrome are linked to advanced paternal age, so it is a high risk illness for significantly older fathers. What are a man’s risk at 40 or 45? As with many of these illnesses, no one knows. 

     

  20. 740
    Delusional+Slimy

    My wife and and I started our family in our late 30’s and had 3 healthy children.  She smoked and quit after the first one.  So it can be done and all this fear talk of bi-polar, autistic etc is just fear talk. Live you life, take some risks and see what happens.  You may get hit by a  bus tomorrow so take a chance.  I wasn’t ready for children until I had them.  I’m glad I waited. 

  21. 741
    kr

    This reallly fucks me off reading all these comments about how people should have had kids when they were younger and they’ve waited too long.  Did anyone stop to think that maybe just maybe these people have been wanting kids and that maybe their past partners have shat on them bigtime and they haven’t had the opportunity to have children yet?  No I bet you didn’t so fucking quick to point the finger of blame!

  22. 742
    Reality

    The reality is that woman want a 20’s looking guy with the 40 year old maturity.  They want something that isn’t there. 

  23. 743
    Mark Nunes

    Sounds like women don’t want to settle down when they have something to offer.  They wait until they have nothing to offer.   They don’t realize that just as men will not want them at 35 the employers won’t either.    The good looks that got them the jobs also kept them from ever having to learn how to do the job.  Look at that CEO from yahoo that ran the company into the ground.   Women get hired on their looks and when those are gone they realize that the employers don’t have any commitment to them like a husband would have had.  The boss is already married.  The older the woman is when she marries the shorter the marriage will last.  The only good thing though is that since so many women are obese all a woman has to do is lose weight these days and suddenly she’s attractive.  

  24. 744
    youthIssues

    One important point that is missing here besides the malignancy in our society which now requires two incomes/ women working (hey why would you not enslave both sex’s and inflate the cost of everything to take both incomes) is that women biologically mature faster then men and that carries on through out their life span.
    There is a reason for this….the faster a women is able to reproduce the more children she can produce and the better the survival of the species. You don’t need as many men in reproductive age. So men age differently then woman…slower…their for they want women who are biologically their age. I am not sure exactly what the ratio is but I would say from my experience its about 5-10 years difference.
    I am married with same women for almost 15 years (which by the way I feel is also unnatural….7 years max is the time 2 people should stay sexually together), have two kids and we are the same age chronologically but she appears to be much older then me…and we all know this to be true when couples get older the man usually looks younger….because he is….Older men want younger women first because women expire reproductively much more significantly then men…yes there is mounting evidence of older males contribution to genetic issues in children but the fact remains that for the most part men have evolved to remain reproductive for their entire life span where as women, who have a much more demanding part to play in the process, have a finite expiration date reproductively…..That is the essence of this issue….to make it more complicated is ignorance.

    1. 744.1
      Al

      This is factually inaccurate. Women live, on average, 10+ years longer than men. Plus, women reach their sexual prime in their 40s, right as men the same age are beginning to lose their vitality. By your own reasoning, it is WOMEN who should be dating younger men who are closer to their own biological age.

      1. 744.1.1
        JennLee

        They do not.  You have quite the crusade going, telling people what they have to do, and how thy have to think.  You probably want the many women like me at the stake.  Women who actually like to date older men, and prefer not to date younger men.
         
        But no, women do not live 10 years longer, nor have they in recent history.  As of right now, it is down to 3.8 years.  What is “funny” is that the longevity gap has shrunk for many reasons, including the fact that many women are moving into career fields previously held by men.  Something you applaud and keep beating the drum on here, is one of the things that is allowing men to close the longevity gap with us women.
         
        Also, men comprise 6 out of 7 homeless people.  Those men don’t live nearly as long as a healthy man living a healthy lifestyle.  They don’t have as much access to healthy food, health care, a gym, and other amenities that help us live longer.  They are much more likely to be an addict of some sort be it cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.  And finally, they live under an extreme amount of stress.   The streets are no picnic.  This causes them to live short life spans, which figure into the overall numbers for men and women.
         
        Men used to be far more likely to be a smoker, and far more likely to be a chain smoker.  This has reduced drastically, which has helped men narrow the longevity gap.  However, men are still more likely to be a heavy drinker, and binge drinker.  This is one of the biggest factors in them not completely closing the longevity gap.
         
        The truth is, a man who is healthy and leads a healthy lifestyle has a very good chance of outliving the average woman, and about the same as a woman living a similar lifestyle.  Like it or not, a woman is making a better choice if she chooses an older man who lives healthy, than a younger guy who is not.
         
        You may resume with your crusade.

        1. Al

          Please show me where I EVER told anyone what to think or what to do? I simply disagreed with ChrisH’s assertions that younger women SHOULD date older men. Disagreement is not the same as dictating to others. 

          You said: “You have quite the crusade going, telling people what they have to do, and how thy have to think.” and then followed that up by saying: ” A woman is making a better choice if she chooses an older man who lives healthy, than a younger guy who is not.”

          LOL. Wait, WHICH one of us is trying to tell others what to do and what to think?  Seriously? You sound like the one who’s on some kind of “Crusade” here.

          Regardless, trying to discuss this with you is clearly pointless because you are disregarding most of what I say, fixating on something irrelevant and getting all worked up over things I never said to begin with. 

  25. 745
    Marie

    I’ve read articles here and the responses for awhile and enjoy Evan’s advice and take on dating.

    My husband and I separated for awhile due to communication and intimacy issues.
    Both of us are mid aged.I’m late 40’s.He’s early 50’s.There is a 5 year age difference but it’s not an issue.It’s not a huge age gap and we are able to relate to one another.We’re rebuilding our marriage,together and doing much better.Thankfully.

    Reading here didn’t hurt either:-)It actually helped me realize I’d rather work on my marriage.

    While my husband and I were separated, I made friends with a man the same age as my husband.It was a platonic friendship.

    This platonic male friend set out to pursue women in their early 30’s and closer to his age ONLY if they were very fit and highly attractive.He is neither nor is he successful.

    It seemed any attainable option he had with women closer to his age group were ignored if they didn’t fit his ideal of aesthetics.A couple of women who were still attractive enough, although older, just not this bombshell image he wanted he turned down.He’s still alone with not so much as one date.

    I understand why older men find younger attractive.
    I get that but what I don’t get is why he continued pursuing what he had no chance of having.
    He also stated he wanted children.

    However,the one woman he was the most taken with can’t have children because of a medical issue.He still pursued it.The young woman had absolutely no interest in him.Yet even though he stated he wanted children he still desired this much younger woman and would carry on about how beautiful she is and continued the pursuit.

    So I wonder with some,not all of course,if wanting children isn’t just an excuse for wanting much younger and the most sexually desirable even if the man pursuing that isn’t himself.

    I no longer spend time with or talk with this man.
    The last action I did see from him was hitting on a 22 year old in a way that caused me to lose respect.The young 22 year old even asked him why he was talking to her that way.A 31 year age difference and it was clear the young woman was very bothered by his behavior.
    It deeply disturbed me.

    Looking at this 22 year old young lady’s online presence it’s clear she is starting out in her early adulthood and is still trying to find who she is.She’s into the Jonas Brothers…and here’s this 50+ man looking at her and behaving toward her like she’s a viable option for him.

    Am I wrong to be disturbed by this?It’s just one example but I just felt it was wrong and taking wanting a younger partner(for a relationship or just sex) too far.

  26. 746
    Johnny Boy

    You did a great explanation on breaking it down about age and round and round it goes. As a male in my early 40s, I find a lot of women want kids NOW without even going through a dating process.

    It is what it is just like you said. If only we knew “what is” before we hit our 30s so we could start planning better. Wouldn’t it be great if we knew then what we know now?

  27. 747
    Vas Alexander

    Hello Evan,

    Gongrat for the site and your work, at last someone that he will describe things as they are and not as we would like them to be in life-real life’s demands out there are  harsh nowadays. Hard truth but at least we should be aware of it instead of having false hopes.
    I am a 40 years old man single and i just want to make one ‘stupid’ question if i can;
    Since many women are so “surprised” even annoyed (!)  that “old men” (i am guessing that would be me) are posting to them dates then why don’t they make it clear from the very beginning  what they really want;
    For instance why don’t they say straight away even on their profiles that they want  a guy who would be e.g between 18-30-34 years of age  mostly,  6 foot tall, handsome, successful of course with all the virtues of the World;
    Or they do and i have missed that completely;

    Regards Evan
     

    1. 747.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      They do and you have missed that completely. Women set their age range from 25-35 and are bombarded by men outside that range.

  28. 748
    ed

    Just want to give my 2c here.  I am a 45 year old male, and am at my college weight.  I lift, run and box and have a 6 pack.  I am considered ‘good looking’ by most standards.  I am not rich, in fact I am a small business owner, which is still growing…however I have been well-off in the past.  My 2c here is that I typically date women in their 30s…and there are MANY women in that age group who express interest in me constantly.  Last year I dated a 28 year old and we are still in contact and there are still greater possibilities with her and she is beautiful. IMO Evan is way off the mark with his comments, and many posters here, male and female seem bitter.  If you are a man, in your mid 40s and in great shape, you are VERY desirable to women from age 25-45 and beyond.  Now…I would definitely date a woman in her 40s, but only if she is in as good as shape as myself, and takes pride in her appearance and youthful attitude as I do.  Unfortunately I meet very few of these women, even though I work in the cosmetic industry.  However I did meet one a few weeks ago…totally hot, not wrinkle free but in shape and totally cool.  Its all about what you make of yourselves folks.  I hope to be married in 5 years btw… Ive held off to this point for many reasons, mostly personal but some career wise.
     

  29. 749
    Andre

    Only in America circa 2014 do women insist the no matter what their own age, they can still have a man younger than themselves in a long term committed relationship.  The gold standard is half a man’s age plus seven.

  30. 750
    Andre

    Don’t even take  seriously what a single woman past the age of 35 has to say about what she wants and doesn’t want. She has already lost the game by that late age if she is not married with kids.. The real winners are women at 35, happily married, with kids in the primary grades already by 35. Also, for older men, just leave the USA to find women with expectations more aligned with history and common sense.

    1. 750.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I agree, Andre. You should leave the USA and spare women the indignity of going out with a man who believes such things.

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