Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet

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Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far.   My problem is deciding how to list my body type.   I’m 5’3″ and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not “athletic and toned.”   I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as “A few pounds extra” thinking it was an honest description.   Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or “curvy”, because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

  • Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
  • Why men avoid “curvy” women!
  • Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
  • Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself — is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique — flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly — an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself — is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people — and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

Except this isn’t true either, because most people feel duped by the disconnect between your description and real life stature. Heavier people almost always do better in “real life” than online.

Next myth to be busted: why men don’t go out with “curvy” women. Well, you touched on it yourself, Nicci, in your email. In their attempts to be honest (but not scare off men), women will click on descriptors like “a few pounds extra”, “curvy”,   or “voluptuous”. All are considered euphemisms for “fat” by men. This creates a vicious circle. Women know that men prefer thin, so they adjust their descriptions accordingly. Men have learned to mistrust these body types, and therefore only look at women who are “firm and toned”, “slim/slender”, or “athletic”. And when the slightly overweight woman shows up on a date with a man who was expecting “athletic”, both parties are in for a night of disappointment.

Focus on what you can control — YOU — and let go of what you can’t — MEN.

Why do men look at you and not write to you? First of all, I think that’s a problem that’s more in your head than in reality. Fact is, we all window shop online. How many men have you looked at? 1000? How many did you write to? 12? Should 988 men feel rejected because you didn’t initiate contact? Please. Ignore how many people look at you. It is misleading and can only serve as a tool that makes you feel rejected. If no one’s WRITING to you, however, there is something to think about. Which is why I’ve helped thousands of people rebrand and market themselves successfully online over the past nine years. Better photos, better essays, better usernames, better email technique. Do everything 25% better and it can make a remarkable difference in your life.

Still, no matter how much rebranding we do, life is still not going to be fair. Men are still largely going to prefer young, thin women. Women are still going to prefer tall, successful men. All we can do is tackle this confidently, and not get too thrown by the many bumps in the road. The man who wants you is going to WANT a curvy girl. No point in getting bent out of shape about the ones who prefer skinny chicks, y’know?

Finally, the last myth we’re gonna bust is that there’s something about your profile that’s attracting the wrong kind of men. I swear to God, I have heard this complaint every single day for nearly a decade. And it always baffles me. So let’s play the game I play with my clients on the phone:

Me: If you were to go to an airport and look around the terminal, what percentage of men would you date?

Her: I don’t know. 5%? 2%, maybe?

Me: Then why would you expect the percentage to be any higher online? If, by definition, 95% of men are wrong for you, it should be expected that many will be unemployed, uneducated, older and inappropriate. Get over it. They’re allowed to take a crack at you, and you’re allowed to ignore them. Focus your energies on attracting and maintaining the 5% that you want. THAT’s what we’ll do together.

And so it is, Nicci. Focus on what you can control — YOU — and let go of what you can’t — MEN.

Understanding this about online dating is essential to your success. And if you’ve struggled with the same frustrations as Nicci — not enough good men, all the wrong men writing to you — my Finding the One Online system is a one-stop-shop to get you the kind of attention you deserve.

Click here to learn more and kickstart your love life today.

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/finding-the-one-online.html

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 21
    JB

    I’m wondering if any of these women know that most men of ANY size rarely if ever get a response unless they’re a 9 or 10. Imagine if you’re an electrician,plumber or a mechanic of any body type. Unless they look like a model these men have zero value and get 0 responses. How about a male lawyer or accountant who’s “husky” or has a bit of middle aged “gut” ? No chance. Most women have never been a man online to see the other side of the coin.

    1. 21.1
      Laura

      Well I’m a beautiful not fat woman. My breast are really big like gg cup and I wear a size 8. I know I’m great yet 99.9% of guys won’t message me back. I think it goes both ways online guys are simply too picky. I think they don’t reply to me because I’m not a blond haired, blue eyed, 100 pound woman. My best friend who is blond haired, blue eyed and 100 pounds has been very successful with online dating. the guys she messages always replies. American standards of beauty are unreal! Work your shape it’s his lost for not contacting/replying to you!

      1. 21.1.1
        Jeff

        100 pounds would be the average for women anywhere outside the United States. American women have become way to obese

        1. Jo

          Maybe in East Asia that would be average! An Eastern European is going to be somewhat heavier because they’re taller.   

      2. 21.1.2
        VFRocks

        I would talk to you Laura… Robert

    2. 21.2
      Blondie99

      JB I wonder are you emailing rhe curvy or full figured gals or are you also emailing the 9s and 10s and complaining that you are not getting a response?   I feel like with online dating men are very superficial and feel like no matter how they look they still should be able to date with their preferences no matter what they are.   So a 5’6 man emails very attractive women but gets angry when they don’t respond because he’s short but does not give the 5s or 6s a shot.   I was bombarded with emails from men in online dating yet I had friend who got very few.   Great looking women who maybe were   not 9s or 10s but men ignored.   I as a woman know who is in my league.    I know who is likely out of it.   I also think men need to realize if you see a woman online and you think she’s very pretty chances are so do lots and lots of other men.

    3. 21.3
      Monica

      I totally don’t agree. I probably receive 30-50 emails per day and try to respond to as many emails as I can to be polite, especially if it was thoughtfully composed. Most of those guys I’ve responded to are ones I would never consider dating, probably in the 2-3 range.

    4. 21.4
      SparklingEmerald

      I know a guy in his late 60’s, retired blue collar worker.   Handsome face but around 5’7″ in height.   Financially stable, but not wealthy.   Very nicely toned arms and legs, but a little bit of a gut.   He went online and met the love of his life, an “averagely cute” in the face woman in her early 60’s.   She had a fairly nice figure, about a medium build, nice hip to waist ratio, with slightly chunky thighs.   They are now happily married.   It would be hard to objectively rate either one of them on the superficial scale of 1-10, but the way the gush over each other, it is easy to see that they both feel like they landed a TOTAL 10, in the looks and compatibility department combined.   My guess is that objectively speaking they are both somewhere in the 6 – 7 range.   They both were likely passed over by many online daters, expecting to land someone much younger, much slimmer, much taller, much richer, much “hotter” and much more perfect, but who cares, it only take ONE.   Anyway, it would be hard for me to rate either one of them on the 1-10 scale objectively, because the man in question is my husband, and I am his wife.

      1. 21.4.1
        Henriette

        Awwww, @Sparkling… I’m so glad to see you back here.   I know you’ve written that you want to leave this community now that you’re married, but you certainly have a lot of wisdom to share.   xo

         

      2. 21.4.2
        Emily, the original

        Sparkling Emerald,

          It would be hard to objectively rate either one of them on the superficial scale of 1-10, but the way the gush over each other, it is easy to see that they both feel like they landed a TOTAL 10, in the looks and compatibility department combined.    

        This is a great story. I have written over and over on other posts that chemistry and connection are only partially based on physical appearance and that you can be wildly attracted to someone who is not a 10. But many posters make it seem their level of attraction is on based on the other person’s level of attractiveness. I think it’s all about ego to show their friends what they landed and has little to do with who the other person is.

        1. SparklingEmerald

          Thank you Henriette.   I have sort of a love/hate relationship with this blog.   However, if it gives anyone hope, then I guess it’s worth it.   After all, if a twice divorced woman in her late 60’s can find love again, then it’s not an impossible dream.

          And yes Emily, there is more to chemistry than looks.   I was drawn to my hubby’s countenance.   He had a twinkle in his eye, and smitten school boy countenance that just drew me right in. And even though every picture on my OLD profile showed me with make up and “good hair” (except for my bicycle picture,) he loves me best bare faced, and it was his idea for me to stop coloring my hair and he LOVES my natural white/silver hair.   I think it’s his funny that his favorite picture of me is my LEAST favorite.   It’s one he took on our vacation.   I had NO make up, the sun was very bright making my skin look pale, my lips were chapped, the wind was blowing my bangs straight back.   But I was laughing in that picture, and I love that he loves that picture, even though I hate it, and he’s not allowed to post it on facebook 🙂

           

          And in case JB didn’t notice, this post was in reply to his post “I’m wondering if any of these women know that most men of ANY size rarely if ever get a response unless they’re a 9 or 10. Imagine if you’re an electrician,plumber or a mechanic of any body type. Unless they look like a model these men have zero value and get 0 responses. How about a male lawyer or accountant who’s “husky” or has a bit of middle aged “gut” ? No chance. Most women have never been a man online to see the other side of the coin.”   I wrote back to one of the men that JB claims get 0 responses.   Sometimes it can get lost in the muddle, trying to figure out who is responding to what.

        2. Emily, the original

          Sparkling Emerald,

          I think it’s his funny that his favorite picture of me is my LEAST favorite.   It’s one he took on our vacation.   I had NO make up, the sun was very bright making my skin look pale, my lips were chapped, the wind was blowing my bangs straight back.    

          That reminds me of a conversation I had with a guy friend a few months ago. He wanted to know why his girlfriend no longer wore make up. She wore it when they first started dating. I dodged the question. I thought … I am not wading into this landmine …

        3. Tom10

          @ Emily, the original #21.4.2
          “I have written over and over on other posts that chemistry and connection are only partially based on physical appearance and that you can be wildly attracted to someone who is not a 10. But many posters make it seem their level of attraction is on based on the other person’s level of attractiveness. I think it’s all about ego to show their friends what they landed and has little to do with who the other person is”
            
          I wonder who   you’re referring to there Emily? hehe
            
          *blushing face*
            
          But on a serious level there probably is some truth that much of picking a partner — especially one we introduce to our friends and family — revolves around ego and status. Look at me — how great am I! Indeed many of the threads on this blog dissect the issue.
            
          Luckily many people eventually grow up/out of it; some of us just take a bit longer to manage to do so. 😉

        4. Emily, the original

          Tom10,  I wonder who   you’re referring to there Emily? hehe*blushing face*

          Yes, I admit I was thinking of you, but YAG has also written about how a lot of what men do in terms of women is really to establish hierarchy with other men.    But on a serious level there probably is some truth that much of picking a partner — especially one we introduce to our friends and family — revolves around ego and status. Look at me — how great am I! Indeed many of the threads on this blog dissect the issue.

          But if you (I’m using the “you” in a generic sense) really felt you were great, you wouldn’t care what other people thought, no?    You’d know you were the bomb.

        5. Marika

          Love your heartwarming story, SE!! Thanks so much for sharing.

          From some of the superficial and men-only-want/women-only-want posts on this blog, you’d think that only super hot, young, fit, tall people get married. That’s far from the truth. In fact, most happily married people I know are reasonably ‘average’ in looks, but not average in terms of love, acceptance, kindness, warmth etc.

          Thanks for the reminder of what’s most important.

          I understand what you mean about the love/hate thing. So much on this blog is so helpful, but there are a few commenters who appear to mainly come here to tell other people what to do (ignoring their own very obvious flaws) or to tear other people down. Sad.

        6. Tom10

          @ Emily, the original
          “I  admit I was thinking of you,”
            
          I knew it! Lol.
            
          “but YAG has also written about how a lot of what men do in terms of women is really to establish hierarchy with other men.”
            
          Admittedly this is true for a large proportion of men.
            
          However, I don’t think that it’s gender specific; many women tend to establish men on the hierarchy via status and education but repackage and re-label this classification as “compatibility”/shared values/shared experiences etc. so as not to sound equally shallow.
            
          Do you agree/disagree?
            
          “But if you (I’m using the “you” in a generic sense) really felt you were great, you wouldn’t care what other people thought, no?    You’d know you were the bomb.”
            
          Right.

        7. Emily, the original

          Tom10,

          However, I don’t think that it’s gender specific; many women tend to establish men on the hierarchy via status and education but repackage and re-label this classification as “compatibility”/shared values/shared experiences etc. so as not to sound equally shallow.     Do you agree/disagree?

          See how cleverly I did that? I lured you to respond by making a thinly veiled reference to you.     🙂

          Anyway, yes, I would agree with what you wrote above. Maybe I’m looking for a unicorn. Some Marlon-Brando-The-Wild-Ones type who doesn’t care about status or his place in the male hierarchy because he doesn’t give a crap. (Or if he’s stuck in a corporate job, he’s drinking the kool-aid because he has to. Not because he enjoys it.) I know a couple of women like that who run their own businesses and live how they want to, but I don’t know any men like that. Granted, I need to expand my social circle.

        8. SparklingEmerald

          Tom said:   “However, I don’t think that it’s gender specific; many women tend to establish men on the hierarchy via status and education but repackage and re-label this classification as “compatibility”/shared values/shared experiences etc. so as not to sound equally shallow.”

          Actually Tom, I have heard many women openly classify men according to education, status, wealth.   I admit, I “brag” a bit about my husband (when prompted) and on facebook, but I usually “brag” about how well he treats me, how handsome I think he is, or how much fun we had doing X,Y and Z.

          When I hear men talk about NOTHING but their husband/boyfriends wealth (Ooooh, he drives this big fancy car, oooh, he owns his plane,   ) or their future marriage goals have a one carat diamond ring REQUIREMENT, I just think “Blech, do you love him or his wallet” ?

          I

        9. SparklingEmerald

          That reminds me of a conversation I had with a guy friend a few months ago. He wanted to know why his girlfriend no longer wore make up. She wore it when they first started dating. I dodged the question. I thought … I am not wading into this landmine …

          You did well not to get into that.   If he wanted to know, he should ask HER.   The fact that he asked someone else leads me to believe he is disappointed.   Maybe he thinks she is “letting herself go” now that they are a couple or is taking him for granted.

          Me, my husband prefers me withOUT make up, so I don’t feel the need to always wear it anymore.   But anytime I put on a dress and heels, the make up goes right along with it (even tho hubby would prefer me bare faced, he doesn’t hate make up) I used to wear it to work, but now that I have moved farther from work, I usually don’t because I have to get up much earlier and I’m not a morning person. But I don’t usually wear make up for outdoor activities , or to stay home and do housework.

          Also, I think many women (I can’t speak for all) wear make up in the beginning of a relationship, because that is when they are going out a lot.   Once a relationship is established, there is more staying in than going out.   Many women, weather single or married do not feel the   need to wear make up to stay home and mop the floors.   Some men interpret that as the woman “letting herself go”.   It might simply be that the woman only wears make up as part of an event that involves getting dressed up.

        10. Emily, the original

          Sparkling Emerald,

          Many women, weather single or married do not feel the   need to wear make up to stay home and mop the floors.   Some men interpret that as the woman “letting herself go”.   It might simply be that the woman only wears make up as part of an event that involves getting dressed up.

          I think men interpret it as making an effort for them. I mean, with putting on the makeup. Makeup is a signifier to men — Hello, I’m open for business.

        11. SparklingEmerald

          E the O “I think men interpret it as making an effort for them. I mean, with putting on the makeup.”

          And some men have strong ANTI-make-up sentiments.   They view it as dishonest. (dishonesty in packaging perhaps ?) One troll poster on this blog said that men should have no qualms about lying to a woman to get into her pants, because women “lie” to men by wearing make up.

          My long haired artist boyfriend from my 20’s hated when I wore make up.   I pretty much only wore it for dress up occasions, and he would make snarky remarks about it.   (Why are coating your face with chemicals ? ) He wanted me to be natural.   My first husband pretty much wanted me to live in my make up.

          My hubby prefers me barefaced and with my natural hair color, but he doesn’t give me a hard time about wearing make up.   It’s a pretty good balance for me, because I like to dress up to go out, but for staying home lounging around or cleaning house, not so much.

          I wouldn’t want to be with a man who insisted that I wear make up 24/7, nor would I want to be with a man who insisted that I NEVER wear it.

           

        12. Emily, the original

          Sparking Emerald,
            but for staying home lounging around or cleaning house, not so much.
          I don’t wear it around the house, either, or if I’m quickly going to the grocery store on a Sunday morning to grab a few things. But if I’m going out — to school, with friends, etc. — I always put it on. I don’t want to risk going out into the world and running into some hunkazoid! Actually, the makeup is one of the easiest and fastest parts of the beauty routine. Straightening my hair, showering, shaving, that takes more time.

  2. 22
    Sam

    I admit I find fat to be very unattractive, but I give a lot of credit to a woman who is at least trying to stay thin and who can keep up with me in outdoors activities.

    Fat on a girl’s stomach isn’t appealling, but it isn’t as annoying as when a girl says that she’s tired after we’ve only walked a mile or two.

    If you are overweight/curvy my advice is to try to seem like you’re trying to lose weight. When you’re on a date have a salad instead of French fries. Offer to walk somewhere instead of drive.

    If the guy you’re dating is health conscious, he’ll respect you for trying to be thin, even if your heredity doesn’t allow it.

    1. 22.1
      Ellen

      hahaha! you’ve got to be kidding me… what is this, the 1950s?  

    2. 22.2
      Jo

      Well, I hope you look like a Calvin Klein model.   Beggars can’t be choosers.s

    3. 22.3
      Mrs. Newlwed

      I agree with @Sam. I also do mental health therapy with women who are obese and claim to be curvy at their dating profiles and complain that they can’t get men yet on the other hand they say they are proud and confident of their body size. I tell them if you want a fit man go on a diet and say it plain and clear on your dating profile: I love going to the gym!

       

      Men respect big women who are working on losing weight they get to brag about it to their friends but I find that men are getting tired of the bait and switch of overhead photographs hiding an obese body.

       

      Women who are dating need to be ojective and talk to some of their platonic male friends about weight they could understand the male perspective.

       

      Weight is something you can change. Short men can’t get taller except for lifts in their shoes but overweight women can lose the weight (if they care enough that is).

      1. 22.3.1
        Blondie99

        Sam is just saying what lots of men think.   It sucks but he is.   And I agree my male friend are very annoying by the head shots only to the point they just don’t even look at those profiles.   All this fighting about how to describe yourself just friggin post full body recent accurate photos!   Then no confusion?

  3. 23
    Susie

    I’m 5″4, and I really am athletic and toned (under 20% body fat; cardio and weights, 5-6 days/ week, plus martial arts, yoga, rock climbing, ultimate). I find the range of people who define themselves as “athletic and toned” to be ludicrous. It includes those who worked out 10 years ago, but haven’t done so since then, and those whose arms are toned, but are otherwise fat. One of my friends suggested that they should add an additional category: “superbuff”!

    I wouldn’t look at a guy who wasn’t “slender” or “athletic and toned”. I’m sorry if that sounds shallow, but since I live up to that standard, I hold dates to it as well. Anyone for whom fitness isn’t important, isn’t a good match for me.

    I’d say, call yourself “average” or “curvy”, and make your main shot a really hot one of you!

    1. 23.1
      john douglas

      Susie, I do not think you are being shallow. If you work hard to maintain a great body then you shouldn’t worry about people who do not. I think dating sites should at the very least publish only pictures that are not more than 1 year old. I think saying you are 51 years old and posting a picture of you when you were 35 is very dishonest.
        
        
        
        

    2. 23.2
      Buck25

      Susie,

      I completely agree! But I have to say that I’ve been raked over the coals repeatedly by the women (and a few men) on this blog for saying the same thing, as a man! I see it just like you do; I’ve put in the work to keep myself in shape, and my pictures (recent ones) show it; I’m 67 and the same weight I was at 35, yet I get accused of the worst sort of misogyny here, because I expect a woman I date to do the same work if she needs to. I’m told rather dismissively,   that   “a woman in my age group can’t possibly do that” , and my expectations are unrealistic and unfair!. I’ve heard every “excuse” for obesity known to man, right here; been told how I should be more sympathetic to “women with medical issues,” as if most obese women “just can’t help it!” What a load of garbage!   Yes, I’ll grant that some women have difficulty controlling their weight, but why is a fit man REQUIRED to find them attractive?

    3. 23.3
      Evelyn

      I think the main issue here is that different inviduals have different definitions of the same descriptors.   I met a guy in person after connecting on Tinder.   My photos were accurate and current. On Tinder, you don’t need to say anything, which I’m not a fan of, but we both had written profiles, and both were accurate.   I am 5’6″ and 125 pounds. We spent a weekend together, and  during that time, he described me as “petite” and also pretty fit.   I consider myself neither, because   I don’t have “abs”, I’m a little soft, and not as toned as I want to be.   I work out occasionally, running, yoga, weights.   I’ve been described as “tiny” by women who are larger than me.   So it’s relative.

  4. 24
    downtowngal

    Uch, all of this makes me think more and more how much online dating has completely f*#(ed up the dating scene.

    I’ve seen lots of curvy/fat/voluptuous/or whatever women meet and end up w/great guys who like them for THEM. And if you look at these women it’s their confidence that attracts these guys, who probably would have passed over their profiles on line if these gals labeled themselves as such.

    Same thing for guys under a certain height or income level.

    It’s the whole package that people are attracted to…since when did we have to become experts in creative writing to find true love?

    1. 24.1
      J-Roc

      I’d bet money that this woman does not date short men. Money!

  5. 25
    TMan

    List yourself as “average”. Include photos and specify how recent they are in your profile.

  6. 26
    Alan

    I’d encourage you to be honest. In the end, once you meet in person the truth will be out. Much better to be honest up front and rejected up front, than waste time on someone who will reject you later for the same reason (if not also for your dishonesty). You’re not interested in those clowns anyways, so go for truth and try to attract men who are attracted to you.

    Evan is dead on about body type descriptors. Because so many people are not honest, all of the descriptors have become a euphemism for at least the next one beyond. We’ve been trained to be skeptical about descriptor accuracy, meaning that “a few more pounds” or “curvy” or “voluptuous” all equate (in our mind) to “overweight” regardless of much else. Sure, photos help offset that, but photos aren’t foolproof either. The truth will bear out when you meet the person that’s the real test.

  7. 27
    Cilla

    Nothing personal, but comments like Susie’s are why so many of us are using “curvy.” There ought to be a website where all the “superbuff” singles can go to date online–bathing suit shots only.

  8. 28
    Steve

    Cilla, about post #27

    I’ve been on both sides of the buffout-o-shape dichotomy a number of times. I’ve had everyone’s feelings. I’ve also had everyone’s preferences.

    One of the values of Evan’s blog are comments like Susie’s. You aren’t going to get the straight scoop in real life,but this blog lets people be honest about the dating sphere without any risk. That information can then be used to help you get more of what you want. If not, at the least, the honesty is refreshing.

    In the dating world, even ( especially?) people on your team are not going to be honest with you. Telling people what it is, is often a thankless job. Nobody wants to hurt anyone’s feelings or find themselves in awkward situations. They care more about avoiding those things then making sure you have a realistic appraisal of the situation you are in.

  9. 29
    Rachel

    You have to be honest to attract the kind of guy/girl who will STICK AROUND and be interested in YOU. Would you rather get rejected in person after you lie and get the date? Ugh. At any rate, Black and white descriptions are a load of crap. I agree with the ladies who said that you can be athletic and slim and toned and curvy — and petite too. I’m all of the above — five foot one, 98 pounds, 34 – 24 – 34, and very toned from being a Pilates instructor. I had a good friend in school who was five foot four, toned, hourglass figure, and va-va-voom whether she was a size 8 or a size 12.

    1. 29.1
      Camera eye

      I have been a modeling photographer for over 15 years now.   It has become a mannerism for overweight women to call themselves curvy or voluptuous. In turn; right or wrong, men have no idea what they are up against with such a woman.   One of the girls I worked with about 4 years ago who was build very much like Rachel; the differences being she was a 5’1″ and 110 lbs. her measurements were 34-23-39 due to her spending many hours in the gym training as a bikini competitor.   She had a large fan base on Facebook and one of these fans sent an image of her to a “Curvy girl group”.   It was really disturbing to hear about the hate mail she received (and she didn’t even post the picture).   She was accused of being photo-shopped…the new excuse for attractive women.   One woman actually emailed her saying “it was girls like her that sabotaging the way men view women”.   Why? because like Rachel she work hard to make her body look the way it does.   I have no personal problems with overweight people, but why is it a crime to work hard to develop real curves.?
        

      1. 29.1.1
        Misty

        I agree. I’m actually curvy – hourglass, petite, though not like that bikini model (wish). However, I list myself as thin because the men I dated would argue about my not being “curvy” because I wasn’t fat.

        It irritates me. I don’t fat shame people and their are men who love overweight women (my ex). However, I don’t like being told I’m not curvy by a woman who looks like a large atomic device.

  10. 30
    JB

    You guys are missing the question…”Why Don’t Men Write Curvy Women On The Internet ?” For the exact same reason WOMEN don’t respond to or contact men THEY don’t find attractive.

    NOONE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE THEY AREN’T ATTRACTED TO.

    It really is THAT simple.

    Why does every woman on Yahoo think THEY’RE “average” weight ? What does that mean ?? The average woman weighs 200lbs ?? The average for THEIR height ??? It’s all an opinion, like the word attractive. Everyone thinks THEY’RE attractive….lol
    and everyone may be to someone….I guess

    1. 30.1
      Tina

      One thing I have noticed is that many fat men put down average size on their profile and their photo clearly shows they are fat. I guess they see something else in the mirror. A little extra weight on a man is fine with me. But for most men, a little extra weight on the woman is not.

  11. 31
    Eda

    I actually think that the self assessment of one’s body size should just be eliminated from online dating sites. As Evan has indicated, telling the truth is often a losing strategy, and even when a person is inclined to tell the truth, he/she still wants to describe him/herself in the most positive light — that’s why women say they are curvy as opposed to fat and that’s why men say they are big like football players as opposed to fat. So, instead of being forced to describe themselves, people should just be required to submit at least one viewable full body date stamped photo that must be updated annually. This way, the men/women viewing the person’s profile can decide for themselves, based on the photo, whether or not they find the person physically attractive.

    1. 31.1
      Blondie99

      Exactly!!!! And Evan this should be your advice.   Just post accurate unaltered full body shots and them we will not have to worry about this.

  12. 32
    Susie

    If it’s any consolation to women who are curvy, keep in mind that some of us athletic types stay that way partly because we can’t manage “curvy”. If I gain weight (and I’ve been 20 lbs heavier than I am now), I don’t get curvy – I lose my waist very quickly, and just look blocky. I have flat-chested, slender friends who just get bellies when they gain weight, and they don’t look good.

    Hourglass figures don’t generally have that problem, so consider yourselves fortunate!

    And if you want someone conventionally attractive, when you are less so, the best bet is to meet in person (not online), and wow them with your personality. That goes a long way, and there are a lot of overtly mismatched couples who are perfect for each other, and found that out in person.

    To each his/her own, right?

  13. 33
    Tyler Moss

    This is actually very interesting. Most guys I know play the numbers game when it comes to online dating. They usually contact lots of women even if their profile says curvy. I’m not even sure if they take much time to read most womens profiles.

  14. 34
    Markus

    I have to echo Susie’s post. Look, fair or not, I’m 39 and work my ass off to stay in this shape. I’m not saying you need to be a gym rat, I don’t even go to a gym, but in the end it’s just something else that people want to have in common.

  15. 35
    Ceilisundancer

    I say to be honest, and if someone overlooks you for the wrong reason, it’s his loss. A girlfriend and I both filled out an online dating survey years ago. She’d chose the answers that she thought would get her more responses, and were within the range of true. I’d rather let others and myself move on if we’re not going to be a good match. As for guys who fib a bit? I may overlook a little bit, say, the height’s off by an inch, or the weight by a few pounds, but being off by a lot, in a lot of areas (divorced 3 times, and 40 pounds heavier, and, well, I didn’t have as much respect for that guy just for his misrepresentation).

  16. 36
    vino

    Interesting how the concepts of size have changed over time. I remember a conversation with a girl I went out once with…

    Her: How big is your dog?
    Me: About 95 lbs
    Her: That’s about the same as me!
    Me: How much do you weigh again?
    Her: 116
    Me: And how tall are you?
    Her: 5’2″
    Me: Really?
    pause….
    Her: ‘Cause I’m a size zero in some makers.
    Me: Honey, today’s size zero is yesterday’s size six

    Ok, it’s harsh. Man, she was egotistical, and needed a bit of a reality check. Was that the way to go? Perhaps not. But she was on the cusp of cushy.

    The reality is that both sexes today are larger than they used to be. I think the size manipulation on ladies’ clothes don’t help. It’s deceptive marketing. The above story, while a bit harsh (and true, I might add), indicates the different perspectives. Simply put, guys in general don’t want ‘curvy’ women. That’s a euphemism for ‘fat’ to the vast majority of male visitors to dating sites.

    Kudos for being honest. But, I’d suggest that the OP might better spend her time in other arenas – hiking clubs, book clubs, softball leagues, etc…where she’ll get more mileage out of personality.

    1. 36.1
      Rachel

      5’2 and 116 on the cusp of CUSHY???? She may have muscle that adds to that weight. A size zero is pretty damn spot on, and means shes nowhere near CUSHY. WTF

  17. 37
    Eda

    After reading this blog for months, my question is what type of woman (or man for that matter) IS actually having success with on-line dating? It appears that it’s not just “curvy” women who struggle, but ethnic women, women over 40, attractive women, unattractive women, successful women, women who want successful men, women who live in New York, women who live in small towns, single moms, women who have sex on the first date; women who don’t have sex on the first date, women who want to get married and have children; women who don’t know what they want.

    I guess the point I am making is that it appears lots of people have challenges with online dating. I guess I am wondering why is it that “curvy” women are just about the only group I can recall being told that they’d do better off line. Is being “curvy” really that much of a hurdle?

    Also, I’m really not convinced that a great personality can overcome a man’s physical preferences when it comes to body types. If a man typically likes blondes and he meets an awesome redhead, yeah, I think he can compromise. But if a man likes thin, toned, athletic women, I think it’s highly unlikely that a “curvy” girl with a winning personality is someone he’ll want to be with long term. Yes, he might go out with her and even have sex with her, but I think it’s rare that men stay with women they don’t find physically attractive. I would actually argue that I don’t even think it’s a good idea for a woman to go out with a man who doesn’t find her physically attractive. Once I went out with a guy who made a point of telling me several times that I was not the typical woman he would date because, at the time, I was quite overweight . I did not deceive him about my weight so I was quite surprised by his behavior. He acted as if he was doing me a great favor by going out with me. Needless to say, I had no interest in going out with him again. I never want to be with someone who doesn’t find me attractive and I just don’t think men can make themselves like something they don’t. Am I wrong?

    1. 37.1
      Misty

      I agree.

      I can tell pretty quickly when a man isn’t attracted to me. This makes it pretty easy for me to cross him off my list. Mutual attraction is important.

  18. 38
    Steve

    It seems like that much of what Evan does is gently getting people to accept realities they are already aware of and encouraging them to work with those realities.

    It isn’t late breaking news that people, especially men, tend to be looks driven. It isn’t late breaking news that most women like successful men, that most women like men who are taller than they are, that most people prefer to date people who are not dramatically outside of their age range.

    If people accepted reality, Evan would be out of a career. However, so would most psychologists and day time talk show hosts.

  19. 39
    Markus

    @ vino, that was pretty harsh man.

    @Eda, lots of people have success online dating. Is it hard? In most cases yes. And define success? Is it not “success” until you’re in a LTR for a year? I’m just trying to understand. It is hard though. To me, what makes it hardest is always thinking there’s something better out there. I’ve done it and try to curb it but without settling. I just started seeing an incredible woman I met on match. Hope it works out. BTW, I’m 39, she’s 43 and put “about avg” in her profile. She was being too hard on herself. 🙂

  20. 40
    Steve

    Eda;
    About post #37

    I can’t speak for all men, but I think you are right. Given a choice, men prefer not to stay with women that they do not find physically attractive. Other things do matter to us a lot, but visual attraction is always going to be a card in the deck.

    Not all men want or even like the look of fashion models. If a woman keeps herself in good shape and has a decent face she can play her other cards to make a man be happy to be with her.

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