Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet

Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far.  My problem is deciding how to list my body type.  I’m 5’3″ and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not “athletic and toned.”  I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as “A few pounds extra” thinking it was an honest description.  Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or “curvy”, because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

  • Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
  • Why men avoid “curvy” women!
  • Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
  • Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

Except this isn’t true either, because most people feel duped by the disconnect between your description and real life stature. Heavier people almost always do better in “real life” than online.

Next myth to be busted: why men don’t go out with “curvy” women. Well, you touched on it yourself, Nicci, in your email. In their attempts to be honest (but not scare off men), women will click on descriptors like “a few pounds extra”, “curvy”,  or “voluptuous”. All are considered euphemisms for “fat” by men. This creates a vicious circle. Women know that men prefer thin, so they adjust their descriptions accordingly. Men have learned to mistrust these body types, and therefore only look at women who are “firm and toned”, “slim/slender”, or “athletic”. And when the slightly overweight woman shows up on a date with a man who was expecting “athletic”, both parties are in for a night of disappointment.

Focus on what you can control – YOU – and let go of what you can’t – MEN.

Why do men look at you and not write to you? First of all, I think that’s a problem that’s more in your head than in reality. Fact is, we all window shop online. How many men have you looked at? 1000? How many did you write to? 12? Should 988 men feel rejected because you didn’t initiate contact? Please. Ignore how many people look at you. It is misleading and can only serve as a tool that makes you feel rejected. If no one’s WRITING to you, however, there is something to think about. Which is why I’ve helped thousands of people rebrand and market themselves successfully online over the past nine years. Better photos, better essays, better usernames, better email technique. Do everything 25% better and it can make a remarkable difference in your life.

Still, no matter how much rebranding we do, life is still not going to be fair. Men are still largely going to prefer young, thin women. Women are still going to prefer tall, successful men. All we can do is tackle this confidently, and not get too thrown by the many bumps in the road. The man who wants you is going to WANT a curvy girl. No point in getting bent out of shape about the ones who prefer skinny chicks, y’know?

Finally, the last myth we’re gonna bust is that there’s something about your profile that’s attracting the wrong kind of men. I swear to God, I have heard this complaint every single day for nearly a decade. And it always baffles me. So let’s play the game I play with my clients on the phone:

Me: If you were to go to an airport and look around the terminal, what percentage of men would you date?

Her: I don’t know. 5%? 2%, maybe?

Me: Then why would you expect the percentage to be any higher online? If, by definition, 95% of men are wrong for you, it should be expected that many will be unemployed, uneducated, older and inappropriate. Get over it. They’re allowed to take a crack at you, and you’re allowed to ignore them. Focus your energies on attracting and maintaining the 5% that you want. THAT’s what we’ll do together.

And so it is, Nicci. Focus on what you can control – YOU – and let go of what you can’t – MEN.

Understanding this about online dating is essential to your success. And if you’ve struggled with the same frustrations as Nicci – not enough good men, all the wrong men writing to you – my Finding the One Online system is a one-stop-shop to get you the kind of attention you deserve.

Click here to learn more and kickstart your love life today.

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/finding-the-one-online.html

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 211
    Nasser

    I always looking for curvy white women’s  but hunest if i find

  2. 212
    Michelle

    Hi Nicci – just my five cents as a woman with curves (5’3″ and size a US size 14). First of all, 5’3” size 10 is NOT a few extra pounds in my book and with an hourglass figure you’re probably super smokin’! (that’s the size I was after a strict Paleo regime and weights/cardio 7 days a week for 6 months).

    I live in New Zealand where (fortunately for me) a lot of men seem attuned more to the British aesthetic of women who are not stick thin, and find the American obsession with perfection to be a bit silly (Kiwi men are also very self effacing and are over the moon when a confident women pays attention to them). Even in the US there are plenty of guys who prefer a girl with some junk in her trunk, so first of all, don’t believe the hype and lose hope.

    Anyway, I digress. As a very fit and active person who also has curves, I feel your pain about describing yourself online and potentially disappointing guys you meet in person – or getting passed over online –  due to ticking the wrong box.  After gaining weight when I started a highly stressful new job, I nearly stopped dating altogether because I didn’t want to turn up on a date and see a guy’s face fall because he didn’t think I looked like my photo.

    I would suggest (as well as posting gorgeous full length photos that highlight your assets) playing up any healthy activities you’re into. Many people wrongly associate curves with an unhealthy lifestyle. I always post photos of me on a hike or bike trip, and talk about how much I love setting goals for my weight training and  would love to go paddle boarding on a date – all true. I even go as far to say I’m very fit but have no desire to be a skinny Barbie doll – so guys who want that know they can jog on. So try mentioning your yoga class or how much you love salsa dancing, or a trip where you did a lot of hiking or swimming – no one could think you curvy as a result of being lazy, because you aren’t! And rock that cleavage on your dates -truth be told if you have a few extra pounds guys elsewhere guys won’t even notice. 😀

    I didn’t let feeling self-conscious about my weight stop me from dating. After recovering from an injury and finding some work-life balance, I’ve gotten back to working out 5 days week. I’m not any thinner but I feel great and have some serious guns to show off, and I can truthfully schedule my dates “after 7 – I have weight training before that.” I’m dating a great guy right now who confessed he feels like he’s too skinny. When I told him truthfully that I think he looks great, he told me he doesn’t like skinny girls and loves my shape! So happy days!

    Best of luck to you Nicci, I’m sure you’re a gorgeous girl and you just need to find the right man who will appreciate you xx

     

  3. 213
    Not disillusioned

    This is why I have nothing to do with online dating and posts like this just reinforce why I’m far better off with fewer dates but a happier life with friends and doing activities I like, as opposed to spending my free time constructing lies to impress other liars and then acting disappointed that I’m being lied to.

    I hear pretty much nothing but negativity about online dating yet people continue to throw away their time and money on these sites.

    Seriously people, turn off the computer and go out at meet people! Join clubs, meet ups, try a gym even church instead of playing into this fantasy that you can find your perfect mate through a search engine. People managed to date and marry for eons before online dating!!!!

     

  4. 214
    Tania Titus

    Well according to all of you I might as well just slit my throat and call it good rather than thinking there is anyone out there for a “fat” girl. Yes, I am fat. 5′ 4″ and over 200#. Do I feel great about that, no. Do I walk everyday, yes. Am I still beautiful, yes. The only thing not beautiful about me is my outer “fat” shell. No one has a beautiful everything… But here’s the thing. I am not looking for an Adonis or movie star. I want a nice, loving and honest man. Men don’t want to date curvy/few extra pounds women because they may end up being FAT. Have they looked in the mirror? Many older men have the big beer belly and are bald, but will put on their profile they are “a few extra pounds” and hair color as mixed . Bald and gray is mixed? Huge tummy hanging over your pants are a few extra pounds? Then I also must be a few extra pounds? I find a man who writes heavy and bald and is honest as more appealing than living in their “ego fantasy” world. Real is attractive.

  5. 215
    jj

    the best way to know if you are slim/athletic/curvy/average/overweight,  is ask your doctor .

    Unfortunately there are a lot of women who are overweight,  describe themselves as  being curvy,  thus making the real curvy ladies appear undesirable.

     

  6. 216
    Jolene

    I’ve read a lot of these comments, and I think the problem lies within the person’s mind. If you are on a date and you are sitting there wondering if he thinks you are fat or if he’s disappointed, you are projecting that energy. He’s not going to be attracted.

    Also, why is the goal to attract as many men as possible? How about attracting one right one? It is not true that men prefer thin. Some men do, and those men are not for you, so stop trying to appeal to them. Appeal to the good men out there who truly like women like you. I promise you, no matter what Evan said or what these commenters said or what the marketing companies said, there is no standard that says men prefer thin. It’s in your head. It’s absolutely ridiculous to put yourself through hell.

  7. 217
    HP

    ugh! I just think online dating is not for overweight women (me). I am beautiful and proportionally curvy but I know when men are looking they are looking for younger and skinny/slender women. My ex-fiance recently joined Match looking for “slender” (his only selection) and women 10 to 15 years younger than me. He gets them too. That hurt but at least it gave me reason to tell him to stop calling and contacting me to say how special I am in his life. Yeah right. I’m the one that “gets him,” “puts up with him,” makes him laugh, supports him, but I’m not considered good enough to have on his arm. He recently bought a Corvette–he is 56, is not rich at all, has two daughters in their early 20’s and a grandchild. Been married three times and has a neurological condition. But he gets 20 something babes. I loved him anyway–considered him my soul mate, but I was not good enough because not slender? My weight is largely medically related by the way. I am so discouraged at 53 (successful professionally, no kids, never been married) that I never get contacted online or asked out in real life. It is time for me to give up on romance and relationships and just appreciate what I have. It would be great to have someone that loves me for who I am but the weight is ALWAYS an issue. Time to move on and be happy being alone.

  8. 218
    April

    I’m overweight now by about 25 lbs, working on losing weight, and have thought in depth about this as I will be re-entering the online dating scene soon.  I figure I’ll of course be honest and also put up a lot of pictures so I’m not misleading anyone; but I’m always torn between “Do I lose weight before I go back to dating?” or do I say to myself “Take me as is or leave it.”  I don’t like my current weight and want to slim down…but that’s gonna take time.  I’ve done dating both in shape and out of….honestly it seems like the guys who demand skinny girls are tools anyway….unless they’re super fit themselves, I understand it then…otherwise dudes looking for skinny girls only seem maladjusted to the realities of life.

    1. 218.1
      Buck25

      April,

      Why not do this: go ahead, and put your self out there, current pictures included, while you continue to work on your weight? You really have nothing to lose; you might get the attention of a good guy (maybe even several), just as you look now; depending on how it’s distributed, that extra 25 pounds may be anything from a deal breaker to something that really doesn’t matter, depending on the guy.

      If you’re not drawing interest at first, just keep updating your pictures, especially full-length pictures, as your weight comes down. It’s not as if the first pictures you put out there are etched in stone. With the turnover rate online being what it is, in three to six months, you’ll have a completely different group of guys looking at the “new you”, and chances are good that if you replace all your old pictures, even someone who has been on the site the whole time won’t even remember what the pics of the “old you” looked like. That’s not only reason to hope; it also should give you additional incentive to stick with your weight loss plan, even when the going gets tough.

      I guess all of us, men and women, want as many people to respond to us (online and elsewhere as possible; and why not? It feels good, it’s flattering, it’s affirming, and it makes us more confident that we will find someone we really want. Likewise, it doesn’t feel good, when those we’re attracted to, don’t feel attracted to us. The question is, do we want them to be attracted to us as we really are, or to an image we don’t (and quite possibly can’t) live up to?

  9. 219
    Solk

    Include multiple angles and full body pictures so there are no surprises in person. Also, avoid group photos so its not a guessing game.

  10. 220
    MB

    Hmm…the problem is that “curvy” is now a euphemism for overweight or obese women these days.  Not to say that bigger women can’t also be beautiful, because they can, but I feel that many people throw the term “curvy” around too loosely.

    There was a time when “curvy” described a woman like Marilyn Monroe (who was actually NOT plus-sized as many today believe she was).    Curvy used to mean a girl with a nice shape and curves in all the right places, but was still far from overweight.   In today’s society people are using “curvy” to mean women who are morbidly obese as a way to make them feel better.    And I say this as a woman who is now overweight myself…I’m not being unkind, just brutally honest.   I don’t lie to myself that I am “curvy”  because that isn’t true.   I WAS curvy in my late teens and early twenties, when I was in good shape.   Now I’m fat and I wouldn’t mislead somebody by calling myself curvy when that is obviously not the truth anymore.

    I would consider the woman in the picture above to be curvy and very pretty, not fat at all.   She has a nice bust,  a pretty face with a nice smile, nice arms, beautiful legs, and her clothes are feminine in a pinup-girl type of way.    I can see a lot of men writing to her if she had a dating profile.

    I’m married so no Internet dating for me, but I agree with those that say it is better to represent yourself accurately…that helps to weed out those who only want a specific type.   Like if you’re short and balding with bad teeth, don’t portray yourself differently.    If you’re a woman who weighs much more than the general standard of beauty, don’t portray yourself as a slender model type.   If you’re over 50, don’t put a picture of yourself at 20.

    That way there are no surprises and no hurt feelings.

     

     

     

     

    1. 220.1
      lisalin

      And “a few extra pounds” for men means 50+ extra and haven’t run a mile since high school, so please.

      1. 220.1.1
        Buck25

        lisalin,

        Same goes for women; I’ve seen quite a few at least that obese (50 or more pounds overweight) who describe themselves as “about average”. I have a couple of suggestion, ladies; if you’re not ok with how you look, do something about it. If you are ok with the way you look, simply quit put a recent full-length body pic among your photos, so men can decide for themselves whether you look like someone they’d be attracted to or not. If you’re not active,  just stop lying about it, and stick to men as sedentary as you are. See how easy that is?  Same advice goes for my fellow men; don’t tell, show, and I don’t mean with pics five or more years old. Let’s all just stop lying, to ourselves, and to each other; just makes a difficult process harder.

        I think if I ever go online again, I’ll make sure all my photos have a a time and date stamp, and put at least one out there standing next to a height chart. Who knows; might start a trend.

        1. MB

          @Buck25…I agree with you.  These days, being overweight/obese IS average for many people, both male and female.   It has become somewhat acceptable in today’s society.   And once more, I say this as a person who could stand to lose several pounds;  I’m not bashing anyone.

          Some men prefer big women and that’s cool.  My husband loved me when I was a tiny size 4 and he still loves me at a much bigger size.    I think the real problem is when people are afraid to show who they really are because of the responses (or lack thereof) they might get, so it is easier to hide behind a false image.   Then these same people are often disappointed (on both sides) when they meet in person and it’s not what they expected.

          Some bigger women have beautiful faces or nice bosoms and this is what they show in pictures, but I see how it can be misleading in a dating profile if a guy can’t tell that the woman in question is much heavier than she is portrayed.   It is natural to want to show flattering images of ourselves but honesty is important too.   Otherwise one person might feel deceived and the other person might have their feelings hurt if somebody rejects them based on weight or some other physical flaw.    This is why I prefer real life to the online dating scene, because what you see is usually what you get, whereas it is all too easy to pretend on the Internet.

      2. 220.1.2
        MB

        @lisalin…um, who is your “so please” comment directed at?   Just wondering.

        1. lisalin

          The guy complaint about women not accurately stating their size.

        2. MB

          @lisalin…well, I’m not a guy.  But I think people (both men AND women) should be honest about things;  what’s wrong with saying that?

          In a perfect world, we could all be loved for who we are, no matter what.  And some people are lucky enough to find partners like that.  But many people are superficial or they have a certain preference and when it comes to online dating, I feel it’s better to show who you really are instead of something that isn’t true.  It is somewhat different if you meet somebody and you click and things work out and they find you attractive even if you initially weren’t what they expected.

          If I were still single and interested in online dating, I could easily put up a picture of myself when I was 24 with a smoking hot body and I’m sure people would respond.  But the problem is that I don’t look that way anymore and anyone expecting that would most likely be disappointed, despite me being smart and kind and funny.    The same is also true for anyone who pretends to be what they aren’t.    There is a chance that showing one’s real self might result in fewer responses, but it’s not about quantity…it’s about the quality of the people who respond.

          Maybe this is the reason “catfish” is a term that applies to something other than food these days, because a lot of people misrepresent themselves online and sometimes in the real world.  I wasn’t trying to offend anyone…just sharing my point of view.

           

           

           

           

  11. 221
    Blondie99

    The problem with the weight descriptions is they are very subjective, unlike height which is clearly measurable.  What one person thinks is curvy another does not etc.  Height can be clearly measured.  I can see how one would not want to list their weight but even if they did weight is not always helpful because people carry weight very differently you really don’t know.  Some people are muscular, some have great butts, I  have a very petite frame and so 150 pounds on me looks very different than it does on someone else.  I have friends that rock 200 pounds! I think the best way is to post accurate full body pictures and let the person see for themselves.  If the site forces you to select a description so be it.  But make your profile picture a great picture of you but an accurate picture of you and your body whatever it is.  Then you don’t have to concern yourself with whether your description was wrong or right.  Even if you picked  a different description and it does not fit your picture I would think the picture controls.  Curvy, full figured, average, those are opinions.  Average for a woman in this country is a size 14!  But I can guarantee you that’s not what men think average in when they pick you.  They probably think size 6.  And make sure your other pictures look the same, same weight etc. Lots of women like to throw in that picture from ten years ago when they were at their best weight we all have it!  But that confuses men.   Don’t do it.   If there is one thing to avoid it’s having someone show up expecting to meet someone you are not.  That leads to a lot of hurt. Of course a full head shots too.  My guy friends biggest complaints are this.  They want to accurately see what a woman’s body type is prior to the date.  These descriptions don’t help them and the head shots only are maddening and many men that see head shots only or no full body shots say they usually don’t contact that woman because it is an indication that she is very overweight and hiding it.  When I did online dating and my profile picture was a full body shot I always got more hits.  Bottom line I think just own what you’ve got and be confident and upfront with it!  Let them decide.

    1. 221.1
      Elemental

      I’m about 25 lbs heavier than I want to be, and busy getting rid of it. I have accurate photos (professionally done) on my profile and describe myself as “a few extra pounds.” I get a lot of compliments on attractiveness IRL and online even though I’d still like to be in better shape.

      A few months ago I received a nice email from a local guy who wanted to meet and we agreed to get together for a glass of wine one evening. I read his profile when he first contacted me and noticed that he was looking for “thin, toned/athletic,” but I assumed he’d looked at all my photos and had read my profile – but I don’t think he did.

      He looked horrified when he saw me! He wouldn’t make eye contact at all and conversation was almost impossible. A few minutes in, I politely expressed to him how I couldn’t help but notice how uncomfortable he was, excused myself and left.

      Since then, if a guy contacts me online and his profile says he wants “thin, toned/athletic” I don’t respond. I made this decision based on “if a guy tells you something about what he does or doesn’t want, you should believe him.”

      The downside is I very rarely get a message from a guy who I’m interested in responding to, who also is OK with someone who’s not built like Jane Fonda!

  12. 222
    Erika

    I have my online profile as curvy . amd I do get a lot (LOTS) of messages . But again like this article says the man who’s going to write you is ok for you being curvy with a little extra . The point here is to be very honest about who you are . And try to put accurate pictures so that way you are not dishonest about your looks.  And more than the looks is the personality that attracts the most.

    I think curvy is good and sexy 🙂

    1. 222.1
      Buck25

      Erika,

      “I think curvy is good and sexy”

      I couldn’t agree with you more! The problem is not “curvy”; the problem is that the word gets used online as a euphemism for something entirely different (as in out and out morbid obesity), usually accompanied by deceptive pictures (several years old, head and shoulders only, etc.). Sounds like you’re putting your real self out there, AND being successful!

      You know, it’s just a thought, but if more women did what you’ve done, instead of hiding what they think might be a problem (they may appear, to any given man, more or less overweight than they believe they are), they might actually get more attention, and from the sort of men they want as well. That’s more likely to yield a really good result, than being deceptive, and hoping one’s sparking personality will somehow carry the day, the lie(s) notwithstanding. I might add, the same goes for guys being dishonest about their height, build, fitness level, hair (or lack thereof), age, and so on; what real good is accomplished by getting your foot in the door, if when the door opens, we’re not even visually who and what we represented ourselves to be?

      1. 222.1.1
        MB

        @Buck25…agreed.  What gets me is the fact that there are men out there who like very big women just the way they are, so why would anyone lie about being small or “curvy” if they aren’t?   Do they not realize that it will be a surprise when the guy sees them in person and they look completely different?    There are dating sites for men who have a preference for larger ladies and find them beautiful…and no, I’m not talking about men with a “chubby chaser”  fetish, I’m talking about those who truly see beauty in women who are a size 16 and above.   I believe in seeking out those who will accept you as you are instead of pretending to be what you aren’t.

        And I agree with Erika, too.   We should all present ourselves well and put our best foot forward in every situation, but being honest is important.  I wouldn’t lie about being a tall woman when I’m actually quite short.  I wouldn’t say my eyes are blue when they are brown.  I wouldn’t put a picture of myself when I was thinner and younger because that isn’t me now.   Otherwise, we aren’t showing a genuine portrayal of ourselves and this applies to men too.   I think some people are sensitive about this subject due to a fear of rejection, which is understandable.

        *As an addendum…I also think “curvy” means something different these days.   Some people would consider Tess Munster curvy (look her up) but I don’t.   Others would cite Kim Kardashian or Beyoncé or Kelly Brook as examples of curvy women;  they fall more in line with what I consider to be curvy, but everyone’s view is different.

         

         

         

         

  13. 223
    Lola

    My the world is shallow, and to think we age into adulthood only become more superficial.

  14. 224
    Ursula

    Again I find myself baffled by the advice. Men don’t want curvy, but the guy that wants you will? She’s a flipping ten. That doesn’t qualify at all in any way as curvy. I am curvy. Literally. I am pudgy and it works out to look like a coke bottle. I am also two sizes larger than a ten and qualified all day as curvy. She isn’t. Also, you mention that men want thin, then tell her someone that wants her wants curvy. I get you’re an expert, but that is ridiculous. What are you going to tell her to go to match like you do on many other articles? That really doesn’t work for the curvy. Like warning signs and flashing lights doesn’t. Maybe this time you will respond or allow my comment though. I thought you were genius, now questioning that.

  15. 225
    Wade

    The harsh truth, like it or not:

    Guys are hip to the fact that overweight women WILL NOT go with you to do the really fun things that hot women love to do(MOST women wish they could do)and it makes for the most boring relationship yu could imagine. After only one go around with an insecure woman, most guys would rather be single. The thin healthy women love visits to the nude beach, hit tub parties, topless sailing on the Bay, etc, and the “curvy”, “thick”, “few extra lbs”,”plus sized”, ect, use the “I wouldn’t be caught dead-bla bla bla” because they know no one wants to see them there anyway. Not to mention, it’s embarrassing to be seen with a fat chick. You look like a loser who can’t do any better, and so desperate, you wouldn’t even choose to be single.  They call us “shallow”, but if they do it, it’s “decerning”. Well, thank God for shallow, because if it wasn’t for that, we’d NEVER get to go have the hot fum we all crave.  I’m sure this isn’t going to be the most popular post, but I’m a guy, I talk to guys, my friends are guys, and like it or not, THIS IS what we are all thinking.

  16. 226
    Shasta

    Um how is this person “cury”? I am 5’6″,  same clothing size, most likely same weight and am considered over weight.  Please pass me a pair of those rose colored glasses.

  17. 227
    Willowandy

    I will just add that I have found that the absolute majority of the women I met on dating sites had pictures looking like them, I can only think of one I met up with whose picture(s) were significantly different.

  18. 228
    Adeline

    The power of fantasy is strong. 

    I think all men’s and women’s online profile photos ahould be completely nude, full color, standing feet together, face on, in front of a ruler accurately showing thier height, with a 20% grey backdrop and standardized lighting.

    it would immediately reduce judgement and shaming. No one looks good in those circumstances. No one can ‘lie’. 

    This debate is as ridiculous as the setup in online sites that inspires it.  They don’t have a euphemisim for “fat enough you’ll think negatively of me, probably” or “skinny enough you’ll wonder if I’m terminally ill” or “superficial enough to reject you outright because I’m unable to accept anyone outside my perfectionist standards”.

    Have you considered people accept others of their own choices, and accept ourselves in the same way?  I’m 5’9″ and weigh 265 pounds- I’ve been called pretty, beautiful, attractive, and hot at these numbers. There are reasons my body is this way, and  my doctor is happy with my blood pressure and reesting heart rate and muscle tone.  I eat vegetables every day, I lift weights and I do cardio regulary, at least 3x a week. I’ve had twins. I’ve weighed 50 pounds different in either direction.  

    It’s a complicated world  and looks is only a part of  that equation.  I told the guy who called me hot that I weighed 265 pounds and he did not believe me.  It’s not because I’m extraordinary.  It’s because  numbers and aesthetics are not standardized, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and people with the same numerical parameters can appear vastly different. Nobody “knows” what 265 pounds looks like, just as no one “knows” a woman who is 5’3″ and 120 pounds looks like. But we have an idea of what we find appealing, and we don’t always know what numbers (or words) to assign to that fantasy ideal. 

    IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEADS, PEOPLE!

    -A.

     

  19. 229
    sabrina

    Why is a body type description even necessary? People can look at the pictures and if one is fat or thin it will be obvious! Let’s face it, some men will think you’re far even if you’re only to be over their definition of fat. When I was 130 lbs and in my 20s, I had people in Southern California asking me what you doing getting so fat? Humph they should see me now. I’m now 55 years old, 100 lbs heavier and in real time to my surprise i am occasionally getting hit on by guts who are as young as 31…younger than my daughter! Its the guys in my age range who consistently ignore me!

  20. 230
    blessedfinebro

    That brief summary for her little insecurity was mostly true and accepted by most people. Its so crazy and interesting to have to reinvent yourself to become more appealing for online dating in today’s society. I guess we have to change with the world right? ” Its also very interesting that the person who wrote this article actually makes very good money helping people to better themselves online its amazing what people will pay for. Something that should be free.  I guess this type of appeal online is something people should have learned at some point in their lives. This is why i say to people ” become a jack of all trades”  Really do everything you can in life.  Meet all types of people and explore many different things in life.  Not getting responses online doesn’t mean anything. People play games all day in life especially online just to look and have the person wonder why you didn’t respond or say anything makes most people curious as to why? Doesn’t mean you don’t look good or get your share of attention. Attractive people who use online dating etc have this habit  a lot. I have some really nice sexy pics online showing off somewhat on a particular site and some attractive woman will just look and not say anything. At some point i start to question myself  like “maybe those photos aren’t really appealing” I start to question my looks for a brief moment. Its really a natural thing for people. Its like how man pretty woman have really been so called dissed by a guy?    Really men today prefer thick big booty shapely woman. Especially in America. Every girl  wants a big round booty and most men want that in there life. To be honest most men cant even handle and don’t even deserve a big booty woman especially the ones  with a great attitude and attributes in her life. The skinny girl thing is really out unless its a older gentleman or a guy with a little P lol serious i think thicker men want thicker woman. Like myself  Curvy,Voluptuous, Shapely whatever description is being used most  men should be able to have some type of honest description early on about the truthfulness  pertaining to her looks and lifestyle just by her multiple pics,conversation, and if the person is reluctant to meet at some point or at all. You really have to screen people today even when you meet someone in person. You have to ask lots of respectful questions, you have to listen to get a little background on the persons history,family etc Most people don’t ask questions at all or there too late to ask questions and wait until  after they have already had sex with the person or just did something so personal and  waisted so much time they regret because they didn’t ask and get some history on the person. Listening  is so important today to be a great communicator you have to listen and try to be able to relate to the conversation through personal experiences or third party knowing etc it doesn’t have to relate to you all the time. It can be someone you know or something you learned throughout the years that will allow you to communicate more effectively.  To meet someone interesting today is hard.  Most of the so called great men and woman  today are either married,gay,incarcerated or so busy you wont meet them until the timing is right. So yes the Pickens are small for people unfortunately  That’s where Destiny comes into place. People have to be patient and wait there turn. Whats meant to be will be. People have to lower there critical request and the must haves for even just courting with someone new or  meeting someone new or just hanging out with someone new.  As my pastor said recently ” So many women miss good men because they focused on what the outside appearance looked like. Maybe he had a bad hair day,maybe he was dusty because he just off his good job with benefits etc you have to look past some things and not just assume.  Give people a chance i have met some great people gay,lesbian etc just for giving people a respectful chance to converse or hang out and wow you made a friend for life.

  21. 231
    Aly

    I understand when people who work out, and eat healthy, and pay a lot of attention to their body shape want to meet and date a person who is the same. What I do not understand is when people who do not do much for their bodies expect to date people who are athletes at heart. I am an overweight woman who does not like a lot of aerobic activities (I do lift weights, but my current body shape is more of a Sarah Robles – the Olympic medalist in weight lifting. Maybe not exactly, but pretty darn close!)

    I am looking for a man who is the same. I state it clearly in my profile, with a clear preference for “big guy” “stocky” “big and tall” “a few extra pounds” etc. etc. and the response is still zero. Is it misleading? No! Do men expect to find a blond-blue eyed size 2 princess – yes! Because the culture and media tells them that that’s what they need to do to be happy. Every day I want to quit the online game, and every day I tell myself – “There are millions of men in the world, I only need one!” It helps, because when I get 20 views, and zero messages, I think  – it wasn’t The one!

  22. 232
    Will

    The reason why you don’t get contacted by men if you have a body type other than thin, atheletic or toned is because the other body type terms have been made useless. If your 5’5 and weigh 160 lbs you can accurately put a few extra pounds and it’s fine and many men prefer that body type. However across the internet there’s something like 40% of the population who are obese and working against you by using your body type term. At 5’5 and 250-350 lbs who also put a few extra pounds, curvy, or voluptuous because they are ashamed and can’t be bothered to fix their insecurities so they lie about their bodies. When if they would just put BBw or obese then they’d get more respect and make the experience a lot less like a mind game and more efficient.

    We men have gone on dates expecting to see curvy or a few extra pounds only to be presented with half a hippo. It’s not fun. So now we all just think curvy, a few extra, voluptuous etc. = obese.

    The solution is post a full body picture. Dont stretch the picture. Don’t use weird angles or mirror pics with the mirror tilted at weird angles. Just be honest. Some people will find you attractive some won’t. Accept it and don’t take dating too serious and you’ll have a good time.

  23. 233
    murrey

    I have an issue with online dating for that issue, only mine is opposite, I look for the “curvy” or even BBw types, it’s a preference of mine and I have no issue admitting it, I like bigger women, well, that being said I’ve found that some of the BBw types can be pretty weird and get really attached or obsessed really easily… Not exactly a turn on, however that being said they usually make some sort of comment about liking taller, more successful men, which A. I’m not tall, and B. My career choice isn’t really appreciated by a lot of women (heavy equipment technician by trade : they think I’m a dirty, pig, which I am not, I’m considered highly professional for what I do since I’m on a service truck a lot)  but I managed to find someone after a couple of months who I clicked with (who is a BBw) and now we are engaged: the point I’m trying to get at is, there is someone out there for you, just give it time or try different sites, surprisingly I found my love on Craigslist on the personals page, which worked way better than your Traditional online dating

  24. 234
    Javier

    Really misleading and making excuses for poor diet/behavior and laziness (folks with legit medical conditions excluded but that’s maybe 5%, if that)

    I’ll preface by saying I love curves.  When I say that, however, I mean legitimate curvy (body types like Shakira, J-Lo, Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johanssen and the like).  Curvy means you have hips, breasts, and butt…hourglass type figure.  Curvy is not someone who is just overweight, flabby all over, even though it’s been hijacked by women who are overweight and would rather say “curvy” because it sounds better.  I prefer women with some meat on the bones and have never found size 0-2-4 to be attractive quite honestly.

    People are attracted to certain things, and often these things are common across the spectrum.  For example, many women prefer tall men.  Being attracted to tall men doesn’t make you shallow.  Being attracted to a man or a woman who is in relatively decent shape (BMI 25 or under) doesn’t make anyone shallow.  Nobody is physically perfect.  Most of us have 5-10 or maybe even 20 pounds we could stand to lose.  That isn’t a big deal.  However, when you’re 60 or 100+pounds overweight it just shows laziness, lack of self respect, and no discipline on your part.  I apply the same to men and women.  What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

    That said, there are men and women who have no problem with an overweight partner.  If it works for them, that’s great.  No issues.  But most men just aren’t attracted for it.  They settle for it just like women often settle for less for whatever reason.

  25. 235
    sjeanette

    Why not leave the descriptive part about body-type blank (if the site allows)… And let current, full-body pictures “speak” for you? 🙂

  26. 236
    Dr. Susan

    Men DO write to curvy women on the internet! They do get asked out. This title in misleading and insulting.

  27. 237
    Kelley

    As a plus sized girl myself, I think the one thing I can do is have realistic pictures online. Honestly, one of the biggest compliments I get on dates is that I look exactly like my pictures and my personality is the same in person. Sure, more or different men may be interested in me if I were smaller, but I’m not looking for more, just one. Ever since I’ve become comfortable in my skin, I’ve seen an increase in dates. Still no homerun, but it could be soon.

  28. 238
    Jane

    I object to the comment Evan that men prefer skinny women! As a very voluptuous/ curvy/ fat (delete as you feel appropriate!!) I have found I am contacted by many men online if varying looks,  salary (which means nothing to me, btw), ethnicity etc. I posted very honest photos of myself, full length so no one contacting me is under any illusions as to my size and I get many comments about how sexy I am and what a lovely smile I have. The funny thing is I now have a boyfriend I met online who usually dates skinny women. It’s what you see on the inside!!

    So please don’t over generalise. ‘Fat’ people spend enough time feeling like second class citizens in society without having you telling girls on here that men are going to prefer their skinny counterparts. I know you did then go on to clarify points, but the statement is out there.

  29. 239
    Christi

    I disagree with most men like thin women. I have no problem getting messages daily on the online dating sites. I am a plus sized girl with curves and I list it like that. Even have my opening line as “Chubby girls cuddle better.” Every man has his own preference in body type just like every woman has theirs!

  30. 240
    Lisa

    I feel like the descriptions that certain online dating services give you to pick from are the problem.  Most men do like curvy women but a curvy woman is not expected by most men to be morbidly obese.  I think the best avenue is to post honest recent pictures of yourself and for this reader select average because after all if we go with what the general female population weighs you are average.  Put several full body shots and own your body and your weight.  I never understood how people posted old or deceiving pictures and then could even show up for the date! I would be far too nervous.

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