You’re Probably Passing Up Your Soulmate, And You Don’t Even Know It

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A friend forwarded me an article about looks on the dating site OkCupid.com. It blew my mind.

Okay, maybe it didn’t blow my mind, but it did validate everything that I’ve ever said about online dating. I’m going to do my best to summarize— and explain what you can learn from it. According to this article…

1) Men have a very fair assessment of women’s overall attractiveness. This doesn’t mean that they’re not shallow (they are), but rather, that they are consistent and reasonable in terms of “rating” women’s looks.

Like in a normal bell curve, 5% of the women were found to be the least attractive and 5% were found to be the most attractive, with most women falling in the middle 90%.

It’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex.

2) Women, on the other hand, rate 80% of men as below average.

Let me repeat: It’s women, not men, who have unrealistic standards for the “average” member of the opposite sex.

After coaching women for many years, I already suspected this, but this was a stark realization when you see just how few men you even find to be average looking.

3) This doesn’t let men off the hook at all. OkCupid reports that the most attractive women still receive 5X more email than average women and 28X more email than unattractive women. Literally 2/3 of male messages go to the best looking 1/3 of women.

As OkCupid observed, the medical term for this is “male pattern madness”.

4) Women engage in similar behavioral patterns, just not as extreme. The most attractive men get 11X more than unattractive men.

To sum up, women find most men ugly, but write to them anyway. Men find most women reasonably attractive but spend their time writing only to the hottest ones.
Yep, that sounds about right.

As for how this affects YOUR online dating experience?

– The average female sender gets a 30% reply rate from the most attractive males.
– The average male sender gets a 27% reply rate from the most attractive females.

In other words, if you’re getting 1 out of 3 people writing back to you, you’re doing okay.

A huge problem with online dating is that we have an unrealistic set of expectations about how things work.

Similarly…

– The most attractive men get a 53% reply rate.
– The most attractive women get a 66% reply rate.

Once again, proving that attractive women are at the top of the online dating totem pole.

So, what do you DO with all this information?

First of all, count your blessings that you UNDERSTAND this. A huge problem with online dating is that we have an unrealistic set of expectations about how things work.

If you’re writing to a very attractive person, you now know you’re competing with everyone else on the website. You can’t be too disappointed when you don’t get a reply.

Next, you could say to yourself, “Hmm…if all the other women are writing to the top 5%, that means those men in the 50-90th percentile are comparatively being neglected.”

Thus, you’re going to have a lot more success writing to the proverbial “6’s” and “7s” than the “10’s”.

Finally, you’ll see that since you can’t force people to write to you (since most men and women are chasing younger, more attractive people), ALL you can do is open up to others and improve the way you interact on your dating site.

Join our conversation (260 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 41
    Jadafisk

    Also, both sets of data are impacted by the fact that not all online daters participate in rating, or do so in the manner that the site intends. I find the concept of giving negative ratings crass, so I just “skip” and/or hide profiles of people I find unattractive. Other people on OKC don’t want to notify the person they’re looking at (which a 5-star rating automatically does), so they’re extremely stingy with high ratings. Others NEVER use the function. You’d have to find out what percentage of each gender rates and if they’re truly representative of the site’s users before making extrapolations about the user base, let alone the entirety of the world’s men and women.

  2. 42
    Vicki

    I know I have always been attracted to men who had a certain “look.” They always reminded me in some way of the first guy I ever really wanted. He was never my boyfriend, but I pined for him for all 4 years of college (sort of like Emilio Estevez’ character in “The Breakfast Club”, but without the fantastic kiss at the end!).
      
    Now, whenever I find myself attracted to a man, and I try to put my finger on *why* I’m attracted… it invariably dawns on me that the guy has the same walk, the same nose or hair or legs or something else that bears a strong resemblance to my “prototype” guy. I wish I could break the programming, but I feel like a baby duck that has imprinted on this one guy and can’t even see a guy if he doesn’t resemble the “original” guy.
      
    I never saw him again after college, until just recently. I think I saw him in a restaurant having lunch with his brother or someone about a week ago. If it was him, he’s much grayer, very middle aged looking, and has put on some weight, although he’s far from obese.
      
    This is actually a big relief to me, since now I can at least “update” my prototype to include heavier, greyer and older versions of the original guy. Not to mention extremely helpful, since I’m 42 and most of the men I see online are variations of heavier, greyer and older than my original “imprint”.
      
    It would be nice if I could just shed the imprinting altogether, but it’s so ingrained and subconscious most of the time, I don’t really feel I’m in control of it. I had a huge crush on a coworker about 3 or 4 years ago. I couldn’t understand why I just felt so flushed whenever I was around him, and my throat would constrict and my mouth would go dry and I couldn’t speak to him. It took me a couple of weeks thinking about it, but I finally figured out it was because, of all the men I’ve met since college, he is the one who looked, walked, and talked the most like my original “prototype” guy.
      
    I didn’t date the coworker (he was 10 years younger anyway), but it just goes to show, old flames just don’t die. I guess you have to just learn to live with them.

  3. 43
    Paragon

    @ 32

    ” Why do I get the feeling that when you’re referring to “women” you actually mean “hot women” and you want full access to all of them and the alpha males of the world should only get the women you don’t want.”

    Because you are indulging an ad hominem.

  4. 44
    Paragon

    @ Lisa M.
      
    “I thought what to heck – let them rate me.   And as I remembered, my average rating was a 9, according to the others members.  
      
      Now, I have always been aware of where I rate on the 1-10 scale, so I have always been really picky about men’s looks in  
      
    which I ‘ll admit has done me a bit of a disservice over the years.   But I feel like if I can’t date someone on my  attractiveness level (another 9) I just won’t be happy with him.   There it is I said it.”
      
    Great reasoning.
      
    Only one problem – guys are *generous*, and strategic when rating the attractiveness of women.
      
    The sure way to gauge your *true* level of attractiveness, is to determine what level of male can you attract for a long-term  investment(ie. marriage).
      
    If you can score dates and sex with male 9’s, but only male 6’s want to marry you, then guess what your *true* value is(hint:  it’s *not* a ‘9’, like you might have been led to believe)?
      
    @ Maeve
      
    ” Thanks to intense socialization beginning at birth and continuing throughout life, women spend a lot—A LOT—more time,  effort and money making themselves attractive to men”
      
    You couldn’t be more wrong(ie. anyone who knows anything about sexual biology knows that the energetic onus is *always* on  the males in attracting females – where those females are the limiting sex).
      
    Evidence?
      
    Go to any gym, or hazardous profession, and observe the degree of sexual dimorphim, manifest in sexual  competition(ie. where males are working far more vigorously – and hazardously – to embellish their status, for the sole  purpose of attracting females).  
      
    Women, on the other hand, are shaving their legs and applying make-up(which is trivial by comparison), and increasingly can’t  even be bothered to maintain energy balance(which is why in populations where women are competing harder for male attention,  they are invariably *slimmer*).
      
    Where males, on the other hand, have the burden of earning more, being lean(not just *slim*), being tall, and not being  endomorphic(assuming the last two could be resolved by anything other than resequencing their DNA), etc, etc(you get the idea).
      
    @ Jadafisk
      
    “You’d have to find out what percentage of each gender rates and if they’re truly representative of the site’s users before  making extrapolations about the user base, let alone the entirety of the world’s men and women.”     
      
    Parsimony resolves this dilemma by allowing us to take the assumption that females are more selective(in unifying a broad  evolutionary synthesis), and thus conclude that females are tending towards a critical evaluation of the male user base, as  the most likely explanation.

    1. 44.1
      avery_t

      I agree with your point about the 9 ratings. It is a well-known fact that men will tell an average women she’s a model in order to have sex with her in their car in fifteen minutes.  
      I also agree that men put in as much work or more (and have to be MORE impressive). Men have to be tall, dark, and handsome, and have a good job/income, be fit, have a good education, have style, be good with kids, be good with tools, be good with wine and cheese, etc..
      I’m a short man. So, I can feel waves of bitterness. but in my part of NYC, the men women are dating tend to be very impressive. They are tall, handsome, stylish, fit. affluent, etc.. It’s not like Kevin Smith with a swimsuit model. The men are usually as attractive as or more attractive than the women AND they’re paying for stuff.
        
        
        
        
        
      Women just have to be not-fat. For most men, it’s just about negations:
      not-fat; not-ugly; not-illiterate.
        
        

      1. 44.1.1
        starthrower68

        But I do have a distinct advantage as a fat, no-SMV person: if a “high value” male were to contact me, I immediately know 1 of 2 things: he’s either a scammer using a fake profile or he’s trolling for easy sex from someone he believes is desperate and stupid. As I am neither, I can write that off pretty quickly.

        1. starthrower68

          BTW, I know it sounds I’m being terribly self-loathing, but I actually have fun with it. It’s fun to take people by surprise. I make no apologies for who I am. Ya gotta be able to laugh at yourself and not make all this stuff so heavy (no pun intended).

  5. 45
    Paula

    Paragon, please. Women spend way more time and money on their appearance then men. I go to the gym too and work out. Women tend to go to the gym just as much as men but tend to go to cardio. I weight train and do cardio and yes more men are weight training but there is a whole image men are trying to live up to about being buff. Women have an image to live up to as well.
      
    By the way, women spend money on clothes, hair, makeup, moisturizer, shaving legs/armpits/face (yes many women have facial hair), gym, nails, pedicures, etc etc. Men do not. Buy a suit, get a barber cut, work out. Easy. I’d rather be a man any day. You have it so easy and then complain to women.

    1. 45.1
      avery_t

      short men don’t have it easy.  

    2. 45.2
      Buck25

      “I’d rather be a man any day. You have it so easy, and then complain to women”.

      Really, Paula? Hmmm….try being a man 5’8″or shorter (that’s about half the male population, BTW).   How many men in that height range have you personally dated? (I’m guessing your answer is ZERO, which means, on that one characteristic alone, HALF of all men are completely unacceptable to you personally, for something they can do absolutely nothing to change! It ain’t easy for anybody out there, no matter what you think, and yes, anybody includes men!   FWIW, I’m just a little over that height myself, but under women’s Gold Standard of 6’+; so I don’t have it easy, but I don’t have it nearly as rough as the guy two or three inches shorter.

      1. 45.2.1
        Annie

        I don’t even look at height on peoples’ profiles. I couldn’t care less. I have dated guys who were 5’5″ and 5’4″, and I was married to one who was 6’4″. Completely irrelevant in my mind.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          @Annie

          I don’t even look at height on peoples’ profiles.

          If you will date men that short, you are a member of a very small proper subset of the women on dating sites. Most men erroneously state that the gold standard on a dating site for male height is 6’0″; however, my research places the cutoff at 5’10”, at least here in the United States.   Over 80% of the female profiles that I have viewed on Match have a minimum male height of at least 5’10”, which is an inch taller than the average American man (Google “CDC,” “faststats,” and “height”).     To say that men under 5’10” do not face height discrimination on dating sites is to be completely disconnected from reality.   I am 5’11.5″ when measured in bare feet. I used to be a hair under 6’0″ at my peak.   I have listed my height as 5’11” and 6’0″.   There is a slight increase in interest going from 5’11” to 6’0″, but that is usually from women who are at least 5’8″, which is 4″ taller than the average American woman.   However, there is no denying that a man of even my height has a significant competitive advantage over a man who is 5’8″ on a dating site. The 5’8″ guy will not be presented to a woman who selects 5’10” as her minimum male height. To deny it is to deny that the Earth is round.   Women are extremely shallow when it comes to male height, but they push back on men wanting a woman with large, firm, natural boobs when both attributes are coupling-related primal triggers.

          As an aside, the European female psychological equivalent of 6’0″ appears to be 180cm, which is a tiny fraction of an inch under 5’11” (6’0″ is just under 183cm).    It pays to use the metric system when on a dating site. 🙂

    3. 45.3
      looksmoneystatus

      Wrong, women are the ones that have it easy.   Fat obese men can get skinny men.   The only men who have it easy are the top 10 percent of men you women fight for.   Women have it easy in dating, they have their pick.   A female 6 can score a Male 9 or 10 thanks to the sexual revolution and online dating.   Women can be 300 lbs and get dates with men skinnier than themselves.   Women are shallow and select or reject men for superficial reasons.   Women only want the men who have good height and a good face.     A man can’t even go to the gym to increase his attractiveness because women judge attractiveness on height/face.   However, unattractive women can make themselves more appealing by using heels/makeup etc.

  6. 46
    Susan

    I recently joined okcupid and as a very attractive woman in her late 50s, I have been contacted by numerous great looking guys in their early 20s.   I will admit that I look decades younger than my real age and I have posted my real age as well.   I am more mortified by the attention I am receiving from these boys rather then flattered.    I also receive many emails from men my own age but have not found any of them attractive.   I will admit to being too picky and while I may be overlooking men who might be ideal, I still find myself in search of the perfect man appearance wise.   The problem with online dating is that all we are presented with is the outside.   If we can’t get past the external aspects we never get to discover what’s inside. The sad thing is that what’s inside is the most important thing of all.

  7. 47
    MustIDate

    I am an online user. My problem: I have always been attracted to younger men, and not for their looks; rather, for their spirit and energy. However, dating sites automatically put in a search age for me, assuming I like men my age and much older. On a site like Zoosk, the “carousel’ game is automatic; the age of men  from which I must choose to earn coins  is NOT the age of men I am generally interested in. Hence, I get to choose mainly from old men! I’ve tried the ‘cougar’ sites, but all the ones I’ve tried thus far are  hooking up  sites. After receiving a phone number and a pic of a young man’s body part on Day 1 of subscribing, I was pretty much done. Men, like women, are physical creatures. There must be that initial physical attraction for any relationship to proceed. It’s nature whether we like it or not. And since both genders are prone to wanting a good looking armhang, all we can do is accept it…and get ourselves healthier, if need be! I’ll continue  using the dating sites  for awhile, but in the meantime I can hope  I meet an energetic, fun man while I am out and about town.

  8. 48
    Erin Aaa

    The OKCupid study was likely a correlational one, not a statistical one. I doubt that (most) women’s ratings were based very much on looks as much as the study seems to indicate. Men tend to rate based almost solely on photos, women tend to rate based on the actual profiles AND looks. Men tend to rate a lot of women highly, as they have been socialized that dating is a numbers game, and men are more often happy to date someone that is not really a match just for the possibility of sex. Women tend to rate men highly only when they feel the guy has real relationship possibility, and as Evan has pointed out before, about 95% of men DO NOT. Thus, I’d actually say the women are being generous if their overall ratings indicate that a full 80% of the men on OKCupid have relationship possibility! 😉  
    Oh, and I’ll second for the comments regarding the absolutely horrific pictures men post of themselves!   You can’t even tell what most guys look like from their photos at all (in baseball caps, sunglasses, baggy t-shirts and shorts or jeans, and often 100 yards from the camera. Most men look exactly the same in this uniform.) OR they have extreme, dark close-ups, that yes! make them look like serial killers. And my absolute least favorite: shirtless selfies in their bathroom mirrors…where as a bonus you can clearly see the filth in the background. I don’t care what your abs look like, and even if I did (and they’re good, which is surprisingly rare considering you’re showing them to me) if you’re that disgusting in your living space, and clearly clueless about it, you’re getting one star at best, even if you were George Clooney himself.

  9. 49
    Claire

    I thought I would chime in on this after giving it some thought.   I live on the West Coast in an Urban environment, where the women for the most part take far better care of themselves than most men of the same age.   Yet the men want what they want, regardless of what they bring to the table.   Additionally I think most men would score higher in the appearance sector if they had professional photos taken and cleaned up a bit.   Women do–why don’t men.   I cannot tell you how many baseball hats, sunglasses, t-shirts (that only a 14 year old boy should be wearing) are in their main profile pict.   A simple ironed button down that fits well, groomed or clean shaven facial hair, and the photo being professionally taken–would up their appearance tremendously.   If you need help with wardrobe, ask a female family member or friend.   Also if you have a bit of a pot belly–dress accordingly.   

  10. 50
    Kathy

    Im not sure which guys are 6’s and 7’s, i only send messages to guys that im somewhat attracted, i never messages to modely type guys, just average looking guys and barely get replies and when i do, the guy suddendly stop replying, seems like i need help

    1. 50.1
      John

      I find this hard to believe. It’s been proven many times that guys online reply to any women.  

      1. 50.1.1
        starthrower68

        Uh no, not so much. I’ve been ignored plenty of times when I initiated contact. And not with *high value men*.

        1. Josh

          It’s a good indication you are sending messages to guys who are much more attractive than you are. Perhaps you are shooting for 7s, but you are a 4?

  11. 51
    Kathy

    I only send messages to average looking guys and im still not having any luck, i get very few replies and when they replied they stopped messaging all of the sudden when everything its going great, i have thought about deleting my Ok cupid account, seems like im not going to find anything on there.

  12. 52
    avery_t

    I think OLD causes two problems:
      
    a) If a woman (for example) gets a hundred messages from 7’s and 8’s (in her estimation), she probably thinks she can attract a 9 or 10. So, she may “hold out.” But as we all know from applying to college, getting into five safety schools does not mean Yale will accept you. You can be accepted by Wesleyan, Conn College, Trinity, BC, and Tufts, and that will in no way mean an Ivy will accept you.  
    b) When I was in prep school, BM was the hot guy. Tall and looked like David Beckham. Went to Stanford. He had a girlfriend. There was no internet back then. So, he flirted with ONLY his girlfriend. But if he were single now and went online, he might exchange email with thirty women, all of whom would hope he would pick them and would ignore all other men while harboring that hope. Back in prep school, all the other guys let out a sigh of relief when BM picked his girl, because we then knew he was off the market and that we no longer had to compete with him. But nowadays BM, who’s 50, could post photos of himself at 35 and ruin everybody else’s chances online. Every woman online would contact the 35 year old BM (who is now 50) and ignore the other men. The difference between men and women is that men will give up if there’s no sex within a couple of weeks, whereas women will wait and wait and waits. They may email with a man for three months. men will move on after a week of emailing is they don’t sense it will result in sex soon. Women love the fantasy part. Men want the physical part asap. Because of thsi, one BM can tie up the whole online dating thing for months. 25 women could spend 3 months each hoping he’ll ask them out.  

    1. 52.1
      looksmoneystatus

      Spot on.   I am a firm believer of the 80/20 theory.   80 percent of the women want 20 percent of the men.   These 80 percent of the women get pumped and dumped by these male model tier men not realizing they rejected 80 percent of the male population and probably a ton of guys in their league.

  13. 53
    John

    It’s about time that we men know the truth about American women. Money and looks are the only things they look for in a man. Most guys in my age ( in 20’s ) are desperate And have no problem settle down with very old women with kids and debt ; because they know that most have all the power in the dating scene.   
    im tall, dark, and handsome. Im college educated and have my life together . The best women I get are way way below my level. I’m even surprised that they think they have a chance with me.  
      
    The US is like a big Las Vegas for women. They have all the choices.  
    Im going for foreign women!

    1. 53.1
      SparklingEmerald

        I married an an unemployed carpenter.   He was cute, but short.   On a scale of 1-10, I would say we were evenly matched looks-wise, but I was the breadwinner for about the first year of our marriage, then he got a good job.   So while he was cute, he was no “10” (neither was I)   , he was also short and broke.
      My first husband was attractive,   made pretty good money (but didn’t know how to manage it) but was around 5 ft 6 or 7.   I guess he didn’t get the memo that men under 6 feet tall don’t do well with the ladies.   He’s on wife #4 now, and he’s bedded plenty of women in between marriages (and during those marriages, which is why he has been divorced so many times)

    2. 53.2
      Kathy

      Not all women look for looks and money. I could care less. I prefer   man who treats me right, even if he is not attractive or has no job. Luckily, now i found a man, he is overweight, not my type, he doesnt make much money neither, do i care? no. I date him because he treats me right, he puts my need first, he listen to me, he is funny and he is caring. I hope you can find a woman who gives you all that as well.

      1. 53.2.1
        John

        ” I want a man who treat me right” LOL !! Do you know how many times I have heard that from women ? Oh please, save that line when you give a speech at a church or something, coz we all know it simply aint true!

        1. starthrower68

          Why, John, are you privvy to some inside dating info about Kathy that the rest of us aren’t in on? Perhaps you possess some sort of special ESP that allows you to read Kathy’s mind and heart? Or perhaps you just wandered over from the manosphere to regurgitate some verbal vomit?

        2. Amy

          Ha! I’ve heard the same thing from guys too John. But do you mean it? NO! Guys only care about looks in women and sex.

      2. 53.2.2
        looksmoneystatus

        Bullshit, all you women have the same generic profiles.   I want a guy who treats me right = Handsome 6 foot tall male model who will commit to me and turn down his 50 million female options.   You women label average males as creepy and complain when you get pumped and dumped by the 6 foot tall male model.

    3. 53.3
      Bec

      … you might have all that, but from this and all your other posts you sound very bitter. Evan has a post about this, and why you will always lose with women if you keep this attitude. Read it.  

  14. 54
    Daniel Bagley

    I’ve never had much success with online dating. You don’t know who these women are in the first place. The fact that they are so picky on who they talk too that they don’t respond. I get bored sitting around. I would rather just meet someone in person or a site where they will respond right away. I hate playing waiting games.

    1. 54.1
      Amy

      Maybe, you are a 4 and trying to get 7’s or 8’s? You may not have the qualities what they are looking for. Not every woman will find you attractive, that is life. Guys can be just as picky and shallow online too.

  15. 55
    lksjflkjf

    Uh, men put much less effort into their appearance than women do.   Women, on average, are better looking than men.   Studies have confirmed that more women than men are rated as attractive.   Sounds like guys have unreasonable expectations about the amount of effort they need to put into looking good.

    1. 55.1
      looksmoneystatus

      The problem male beauty is determined based on genetics.   Height (genetics) and facial aesthetics.   Everything that makes a man handsome is straight up genetic (jawline, chin, brow ridge, buccal corridors etc) where as a women can easily make herself 2-3 points attractive by using makeup heels and pushup bra etc.

  16. 56
    John

    Here’s a simple question:
    If most women find most men below average, but yet reply to their messages anyway, then why most men dont even get a reply , let alone a date ?
    Numbers dont lie ladies, you are more shallow and materialistic than us, men.

  17. 57
    Gwen

    The problem is men don’t put anywhere near as much effort into their aesthetic appearance as women do. Also compared with women it seems after the age of 35 men just let themselves go physically. Most men don’t use sunscreen to avoid wrinkles like women do and therefore are looking much older than the women their same age,   and the men want to date women much younger. Well times are changing and women want to date younger men. Where are we going to end up if the men don’t want to date the women their age and the women don’t want to date the men their age.   In the future we may find a lot of 40 and over singles who don’t want to date each other.

    1. 57.1
      Buck25

      In the over 50 age group, that future is already here. BTW, Gwen, an awful lot of women in their forties and fifties let themselves go too (and it’s not just wrinkles, either!), so it’s not confined to one gender.

      1. 57.1.1
        Amy

        @Buck, I agree. Majority of the time, men let themselves go over 50.

    2. 57.2
      Amy

      Spot on Gwen!

  18. 58
    Guitarman

    So what we have learned, is that women who poses all of the power and sexual currency, are actually pretty horrendous human beings on top of it? Shocking.

    The divorce rates are as higher as ever and largely initiated by women, and not for abuse of infidelity, but frivolous reasons. They cna and do simply move on to the next guy, or simply live content to be alone, which they are generally much better at doing, especially when there reproductive capacity is quite over.

    We are now finding studies which also show that women are now cheating more than men as well. So we have a population of entitled women with ever expanding lists of expectations who feel no shame in ruining a generation of men.

    Women are shocked to find that men become bitter, and simply don’t bother anymore, and therefor they shouldn’t be shocked with not getting picked. Well, it turns out they have real reasons for said bitterness, because of what your fellow women have done to them. Sure there are exceptions on both sides, but the data is in.

    Women want alpha males, and they also are more shallow and cheat more. Awesome. What we also find, is that men are far far far more forgiving about income and “acheivement”. As if having a peice of paper that says you know how to be taught what to think and take tests from a school is a sign of intelligence.   Surveys and studies have shown successful men like and in many cases seek out women of lesser means, as they tend to not be ball busting   “ambitious/driven” women who obsess over careerism, money, and superficiality.

    We find that even the most liberal ball busting lefty left feminists who espouse how they are fine if there man makes less, or isn’t in some fancy job, will often feel bitter, resentful, or unattracted   over time and leave or cheat on said man. The double standard is intense.

    Women are valued for who they are, men are valued for what they can do, their utility, essentially. Men make up the majority of the homeless now, and have a 4-6x time rate of suicide, which comes as no surprise really given the societal shift that has happened. If you take an equally unattractive woman and man and put them in a public space long enough, the woman will always, ALWAYS, get more suitors than the guy. Please tell me how that’s fair.

    It has and always will be an uphill battle for men, especially in an economy and culture that has so eviscerated everything that it means to be a guy. Men have become disposable and marginalized, and women have become entitled and narcissistic.

    If you are ever wondering what happened to the good men? What happened to them especially as they age? You need not look to them for your cause, look at your fellow ladies who ruined them for you. The data doesn’t lie.

  19. 59
    Christine J Sojka

    About physical attractiveness.:I’m all for taking care of my looks and looking as good as possible but you’re sadly mistaken if you think looking perfect alone will make people (of either sex) fall heads over heels in love with you.I’ve seen pictures of MALE MODELS WHO I DONT RESPOND TO AT ALL EMOTIONALLY AND/OR SEXUALLY.I’M NOT GAY EITHER.ALSO I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT FEMALES WHO ARE PHYSICALLY PERFECT (LIKE SELENA GOMEZ AND TAYLOR SMITH) WHO NO ONE GIVES A CRAP ABOUT.HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT TAYLOR SWIFT KEEPS GETTING DUMPED? HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT JUSTIN BIEBER TREATS SELENA GOMEZ LIKE CRAP? IN REALITY PEOPLE WHO GET MARRIED MARRY PEOPLE THEY HATE OR COULD CARE LESS ABOUT IF THEY HAVE A USE (OR USES) FOR THEM.THEN THEY LIE TO COVER IT UP OR THEY SAY NOTHING.IN REALITY PEOPLE DONT MARRY THEIR “SOUL MATES” 99% OF THE TIME.I ASK YOU WOULD YOU WANT TO MARRY SOME OF THE CRAP THAT THEY GET MARRIED TO?

  20. 60
    bob

    Using the sites as an average male is miserable especially over 30yo all you find are fat women with kids both deal breakers for any self respecting educated male the only hope for us is moving to a poor countries where women dont let themselves go and where the men are mostly alcoholic or poor, try Thailand Russia east European women the pool of eligible American women past 30 who aren’t single moms crazy or fat is very shallow, sure call me shallow because I refuse to consider a fat chick when I can pick from a foreign pool of height weight proportionate women abroad.  

    1. 60.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Bob, if you were, in fact, an average, self-respecting, educated male, you’d do absolutely fine on a dating site without having to import a mail-order bride. The fact that you can’t get in the door with anybody is more of a reflection on you than it is on American women overall.

      1. 60.1.1
        Amy

        You are right Evan!

    2. 60.2
      Julie

      ….who will only want you long enough to get their green card and access to your assets and credit cards and then be done with you. Have fun with that!

    3. 60.3
      DeeGee

      bob I agree it can be tough in the 30’s.   The kids are typically still at home, etc.

      I have found better luck and response in my 50’s, even though my currently remote location has made dating them impossible.
      I see most 50-55 year old women on dating sites wondering where the men are, because most 50+ year old men are trying to date women in their 30’s and 40’s.   I’m not.

      I am 53 (in 2015) but I look at least 5 years younger since I am a redhead (we don’t gray quickly), still have my hair, and I am very fit.
      I have to constantly turn down messages from women who are too distant, who are having so much trouble finding available men they are willing to have long distance relationships (which I am not).   And many of these women in their early 50’s who message me are stunningly beautiful (I think I’m about a 5-6 while the OKC test puts me at 112% yikes, and some of the women are 8-10s IMHO).

      My heart goes out to them, and I wish I were living closer to some of them.

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