I can only imagine how hard that is on you – and can only imagine how deeply you must feel about this woman for you to forgo all other possibilities for two decades. But here’s the thing, Michael: fantasy is not reality. The woman you have a crush on is now married.
Catron does make a valid case – made by Eli Finkel in The All Or Nothing Marriage – that we expect too much from marriage. One person is now supposed to provide what an entire community provided in the past. She’s right. And it’s why choosing the right spouse is literally the most important decision you’ll ever make.
I have read your post about trusting the boyfriend who keep in touch with an Ex. While I completely agree with your take on trust, I’d like your input on my situation. My ex and I had a fantastic time together
But desire is something that’s more primal – a drive towards sex – that makes a couple’s physical relationship to a whole new level. The hard part is that desire usually drops due to hedonic adaption – the longer you have something, the less you desire it.
Personality – from my reading and observation – is a lot more nature than nurture. This is not to suggest that people can’t grow and evolve, but rather, their basic personalities stay largely the same. Introverts rarely turn into extroverts. Narcissists rarely turn into humble servants. Cheaters rarely turn into faithful partners. And so on.
In this case, the consequence is that people conduct entire relationships via text – and, objectively – text is not the best way to conduct a relationship. The easiest, maybe. The laziest, for sure? But I don’t know a single important conversation that ever went BETTER because it was being conducted by text.
Summer, 2000. I’m out to dinner, in West Hollywood, with the most physically attractive woman I’ve ever dated. We’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months. She lives with her Mom an hour away and is currently unemployed. I’m a struggling writer with big ambitions and a desire to love and be loved. We’re lonely and dysfunctional but passionate.
It’s not like we’re talking about the man who murdered your son; we’re generally talking about isolated incidents from years ago. Those incidents may have left scars but there is nothing redeeming about focusing on ones’ scars.
Listen, I’m sure there are some honorable dissenters who think that all teasing is inherently cruel, who believe that to make fun of someone is punching down, and that moral, sensitive people would never even make the justifications I’m making.
In and of itself, that’s not a problem. But if you’re attracted to toxic narcissists, it is. If you’re attracted to damaged men, it is. If you’re attracted to avoidant, non-commital men, it is. Over half of my job is breaking women of their harmful relationship patterns and teaching them to value healthy, functional relationships.
"Dale and I have been together for two and a half years and will be married in 3 months."
You provide a reality check and remind me that everyone has doubts and there is no one "normal" response to love and commitment. I think your insight and perspective is incredibly accurate - you seem to understand the plight/perspective of the working, successful urban woman over 30.
"I have met a man I can only describe as practically perfect."
Evan's info gave me the understanding that if a guy is interested in you, he will want to be with you, he will call when he says he will call, he will make sure he arranges time to spend with you.
"Many thanks to, you, Evan. You really know what you’re talking about — and you CARE."
The Inner Circle really has been a learning process for which I'm grateful. In the meantime, I am enjoying a type of peace and ease in a relationship that I’ve never experienced before. That, in itself, is a tremendous gift to me, and worth its weight in gold.
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