Should Drunken Sex Be A Criminal Act? New York Seems To Think So.

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After over a decade of doing this, I know when to tread lightly on certain subjects and sexual assault is one of them. I wrote an article about the MeToo Movement that was widely shared and was invited to appear on a CNN Town Hall, which I declined to attend because there’s no reward in nuanced discussion in a cancel culture world.

Yet I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t still believe in nuanced discussion on my own website. I may be a dating coach for women but that doesn’t mean that all men are wrong in all situations. Drunken hookups are a perfect example. So…to cover my bases, ALL sexual assault is wrong and should be punishable to the fullest extent.

There. I said it. Then again, I don’t know anyone who disagrees with that.

But what Nancy Rommelmann does here is to make a compelling case that – without forgiving sexual assault – we should not criminalize “sex with booze.” 

According to recent New York law, “From now on, you will not be the ultimate arbiter of your own bad or good choices, at least not without fear of prosecution. We’re not talking getting roofied at a bar—current penal laws already list “mentally disabled or mentally incapacitated” (as well as “forcible compulsion,” “incapable of consent by reason of being physically helpless” and being below certain age thresholds) as reasons why a person cannot consent to have sex. We are talking ipso facto being considered incapable of giving consent due to having consumed alcohol. Should you choose to go ahead and have sex while drunk, you will by default be seen as a victim (or perpetrator) driven by what you wanted at the time, a person, in the charming words of Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance Jr., “unable to control his or her conduct due to that intoxication.” 

A majority of my consensual pre-marriage sexual encounters would leave me liable to jail time.

Yep. You read that right. If I were in New York, a majority of my consensual pre-marriage sexual encounters would, apparently, leave me liable to jail time. You can see how this might be a problem. Rommelmann sure does:

“What happens if both parties are drunk? Whose word will take precedence? What if the parties remember things differently? What if they don’t remember things at all? How will the law square that someone cannot be trusted to give consent but can be trusted to know she or he did not give consent? What happens when “it seemed like a good idea at the time …” meets that morning moral hangover? What about claiming to have been drunk when you weren’t? What about when a rape charge obscures a more complicated situation? What happens when the courts are so clogged with voluntarily incapacitated cases that other rape cases have to wait, or see its victims shunted and the uphill slog to justice made that much harder?

Let me be clear: I believe women have historically been disbelieved when it comes to rape; that the backlog of rape kits in this country is vile beyond words; that the most vulnerable among us must be protected. But I will not pretend that telling women what they are allowed to do with their bodies, and when, is about safety, or freedom, including the freedom to have sex, drunk or not, that you might later regret (or forget). Aside from almost every adult I’ve known, I do not have data to support how often regret-sex occurs. Guess what? The governor’s office doesn’t either, but he, unlike me, is willing to criminalize it.”

Again, I don’t think anything about this take is controversial. Rape is wrong. Punishing a man for rape after a consensual drunken encounter is also wrong, isn’t it?

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

 

Do Men and Women Think About Sex Differently?

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Let’s just say it’s complicated.

Which isn’t terribly surprising; we’re talking about the intersection of biology and sociology, a subject that remains ill-defined and is prone to emotional takes.

This New York Times piece by Kim Tingley (great name, if you’re writing about sex!) tried to come off as neutral but the structure of the piece – specifically the beginning and end – make it clear that the author very much WANTS men and women’s brains to approach sex similarly and DOESN’T want to discover that men and women are different.

The problem with this, of course, is that men and women ARE different.

The problem with this, of course, is that men and women ARE different. Look between your legs and take a few hormone readings and you’ll see. But people seem to have a vested interest in erasing these differences in the name of equality. I don’t see why we can’t be equal but also be different, but that seems to be a bridge too far for some.

Anyway, Tingley’s article begins with damning evidence, making her case that men and women’s brains respond similarly around sex:

“What Noori’s team found was that image type — whether it was a picture or a video — was the strongest predictor of differences in which parts of the brain became engaged. Unexpectedly, the weakest predictor was the subjects’ biological sex. In other words, when men and women viewed pornographic imagery, the way their brains responded, in the aggregate, was largely the same.

To her credit, Tingley walks this back in the next paragraph. Indeed, it’s complicated.

“The science of sex is inherently paradoxical. For centuries, social stigma, prejudice and misogyny have condemned as aberrant sexual pleasures we now know are healthy. Yet despite the growing realization of how much outside views shape even our most private behavior, we can still experience the mechanics of our own desire — never mind that of others — as a fundamental mystery. Noori’s team is trying to shed light on a big part of that lingering mystery: If men’s and women’s brains respond similarly to sexual stimuli, what accounts for the apparent differences in how they approach sexual practices?”

There’s a lot more but this is the crux of it.

I’m no biologist; just a keen observer of human dating and relationship behavior. What confuses me is that, if, in fact, men and women are the SAME sexually, why are their behaviors so radically different?

The author seems to believe that the fact that women don’t sleep around as much as men, engage in as much porn use, and generally have a harder time separating sex from emotion is institutionalized misogyny and shaming women for sexual thoughts and acts.

I’m more of an Occam’s Razor kind of guy. The simpler answer is that men and women are biologically different and the presence of testosterone is a more likely explanation for the gap in sexual beliefs and behaviors – even if we concede the article’s very valid point about societal misogyny and shame.

The author ends with a call for more research that may one day abolish “categories like “desire” and “arousal” or “male” and “female” in favor of descriptors that better capture how those concepts intermingle and connect with others.”

I’m all for more data in search of a more objective truth. I’d just be surprised if that research discovers that men and women are exactly the same in all areas.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

How It Feels When Your Man Doesn’t Desire You

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Anytime I’ve ever brought up the idea of compromising on chemistry, someone pops up in the comments and shouts at me that I don’t understand how important it is.

I’ve never said otherwise. Attraction is important. Good sex is important. But there’s a third category that falls in a slightly greyer area and that is called desire.

Attraction can be an appreciation of physical beauty.

Good sex can be a skill.

Attraction can be an appreciation of physical beauty.

But desire is something that’s more primal – a drive towards sex – that makes a couple’s physical relationship to a whole new level. The hard part is that desire usually drops due to hedonic adaption – the longer you have something, the less you desire it. Next thing  you know, there’s a married couple who hasn’t had sex in a year, not out of anger or repugnance but indifference. That’s what happens when desire isn’t there.

Enter Sarah Einstein, who wrote this searing essay on what it’s like to have a husband who doesn’t desire her. 

An excerpt: “…it’s taken some getting used to, this being the one who desires rather than the one who is desired. Being the one to say,”I want you.” The one to extend the goodnight kiss beyond sleep well and into let me touch you. The one who mutters in the middle of it, my god, you are beautiful. The one who sometimes whispers, thank you. The one who afterwards makes up the outside part of the spoon.

It would be a lie to say that I never miss the flash of longing in a lover’s eye, the low growl of desire near my ear during lovemaking, the thrill of being wanted, urgently, by someone. The opportunity to say yes instead of to ask, would you? The quiet pleasure of acquiescence to someone else’s need.”

You may read the piece and think it’s sad – and, from one perspective, it certainly is. Yet this is a woman who is loved unconditionally for all of her other qualities – and her husband’s only crime is answering her questions about desire honestly. I’m not saying whether or not anyone should have a relationship like this; I would only point out that all relationships involve tradeoffs. I couldn’t give up having a woman finding me honest and funny, even if she appreciated other parts of me. I can understand why a woman could have everything else from a man and still not feel satisfied without his desire.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

 

Getting Sexually Rejected Sucks for Men and Women

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People want to be wanted.

It’s not terribly surprising, but this principle has a profound effect on our relationships.

“To get a peek into the bedrooms of 115 heterosexual couples (participants were aged between 19 and 64), Kiersten Dobson from the University of Western Ontario and colleagues asked them all to keep sex diaries. Every day for 3 weeks, both partners independently logged whether they or their partner had made a sexual advance, and if so, whether that led to sexual activity. They also recorded their daily levels of satisfaction with their sexual relationship, as well as their relationship generally, answering questions such as “How good is your relationship compared to most?”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the researchers found that accepting a sexual advance, or having an advance accepted by the partner, resulted in an increase in both sexual and relationship satisfaction that day compared to other days. 

On the other hand, being rejected decreased sexual satisfaction. But intriguingly, if the participant themselves was the rejecter – that is, if they shunned an advance from their partner – their sexual satisfaction still increased. (Neither being rejected nor being the rejecter had any effect on general relationship satisfaction.)”

It’s not shocking that sex leads to mutual satisfaction.

It’s not shocking that being rejected decreases sexual satisfaction.

It is really shocking that people get a perverse thrill out of rejecting their partner.

It is really shocking that people get a perverse thrill out of rejecting their partner. Of course, that’s not what the study actually suggests:

“Rather than reflecting some pleasure derived from rejecting someone, the researchers suggest that being approached for sex leaves a person feeling desired, so enhances sexual satisfaction even when no actual sex ends up happening. The team found that the boost in satisfaction from having an advance accepted persisted for 24 hours, with the slump of being rejected lasting twice as long. And the gratification that came from being either an acceptor or a rejecter lasted a remarkable 72 hours.

This paragraph effectively illustrates two issues that men and women fail to acknowledge about each other.

  1. It’s really risky and scary for men to approach women. It’s debilitating to say hi to women and get ignored, buy drinks and get ignored, write to women online and get ignored, and make a first move and get rejected. Women don’t experience this nearly as much and, in my experience as a coach, tend to lack empathy and understanding for what men have to go through. Most of my clients want to quit online dating if some guy doesn’t write back.
  2. Conversely, within a relationship (which is what this study is about), sexual rejection is really corrosive to both men and women. When the person who has chosen you seems actively disinterested in sex, it is hard not to internalize that. And it is not just women rejecting their horny husbands. Lots of women have boyfriends who criticize their bodies, prefer sleep, gaming or porn, and reject sexual advances outright.

It’s a bit of a trick to make someone you’ve been with for a long time feel desirable, but it’s vital to the health of the relationship. Sex with a monogamous partner will rarely feel “new” but it can – and should be – mutually satisfying, no matter how long you’re together.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

Am I Single Because I Won’t Have Sex?

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As a teenager, I bought into the whole religious reasons thing to not have sex. Early in college, I considered having sex with my long term boyfriend at the time; however, this relationship abruptly turned abusive and crashed and burned, which made me grateful I’d hesitated.

But nearly ten years later, my dating life is nonexistent. I can barely get a guy to look at me, much less give me the time of day. I hate how desperate I feel and seem to be in wanting a relationship and know that I should be happy with what I do have in life (but when has that ever placated anyone?).

It’s been occurring to me lately that maybe it’s due to the fact that I still haven’t had and am reluctant to have sex. Is this something guys can just read off of me? Is it a turn off? Could this maybe even explain why I have such an abysmal time dating?

Krissy

I’m sorry that religion impacted your view of sex. I’m sorry that your abusive relationship soured you further. Your reaction to those situations is somewhat normal — if you view sex as problematic, your defense mechanism protects you from men and sex. It also protects you from men and love.

Understand, men look for sex in the process of looking for love. A guy can decide if he’s open to sleeping with you in 2 seconds; he’ll probably take closer to a month to figure out if he wants to be your boyfriend and a few years to figure out if he wants to be your husband. This is normal, too, not behavior to be judged or shamed.

I’ve answered a number of questions from virgins over the years and I’ve always tried to be consistent — even though sometimes I’ve been less than tactful.

“You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.”

You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.

The problems arise when your methodology is counterproductive to your long-term goals.

There are the sexually liberated women who have sex with men and are disappointed when sex doesn’t lead to a relationship. Advice: stop having sex with men who aren’t your boyfriend.

Your situation is the opposite. You’ve desexualized yourself to the point that you’re in the permanent friend zone and you’re wondering why you’re not in a relationship. Advice: stop treating sex as if it’s this big, scary thing, when, in fact, it’s highly popular and pleasurable to billions of unmarried women.

Essentially, I will almost always take the moderate position. Not what works for women. Not what works with men. The only way advice works is if BOTH genders are satisfied with it.

By enjoying foreplay and leading men around the bases for a few weeks, you’ll get a much better idea as to whether a man is boyfriend material, you’ll give him a measure of sexual satisfaction and progress, and you’ll buy him time to figure out if he is just trying to get laid or if he wants to commit to you — without any pressure.

He’ll enjoy the dating process more. You’ll enjoy the dating process more. And when it’s time for you to finally lose your virginity, you’ll do so with a man who is your boyfriend and will be there for you the next day and the day after that. This doesn’t guarantee a future, of course. The chances you marry your “first” remain pretty slim. But at least you stand a very small chance of getting ghosted by the first man you slept with, and you can set a new precedent for yourself to enjoy sex within committed relationships instead of saving yourself for marriage.

Please make sure you click on the 8 Massive Mistakes button below to learn more about how you can get the relationship you deserve — without fundamentally changing who you are.

Should Men Have to Verbally Ask for Consent Before Having Sex?

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The first time I remember hearing about consent guidelines was in 1990.

I was a freshman in college – binge-drinking, flirtatious, virginal freshman – when I read a story about Antioch College’s radical new sexual harassment policy in which men would have to ask a woman for verbal consent before initiating any physical advances.

As the link above suggests, it  was widely mocked at the time, but in service of preventing date rape and lawsuits, affirmative consent has become the de facto policy for most universities. While Gen Xers like me aren’t entirely on board as a  cohort, millions of millennials have been taught that this is the way sex starts – with a conversation.

That’s why I felt the need to share this link from Healthline called “What Is Consent?”

It’s a very thorough document that outlines exactly how these conversations should be taking place in every bedroom in the country, every single night.

After all, “If clear, voluntary, coherent, and ongoing consent is not given by all participants, it’s sexual assault. There’s no room for ambiguity or assumptions when it comes to consent, and there aren’t different rules for people who’ve hooked up before. Nonconsensual sex is rape.”

To be CRYSTAL clear, I don’t think any person in his/her right mind is defending sexual assault, suggesting that “no doesn’t mean no,” or denying a woman’s right to change her mind at any point in time during a sexual encounter. If a woman doesn’t want to proceed physically, she should make it known and the man should respect it.

The only reason I’m writing this post is that it feels like we’re setting some unrealistic to impossible standards for an act that, for most people, is driven by non-verbal communication. I certainly never felt I’ve sexually assaulted anyone – and I hope my  wife and exes would concur, but by these standards, I’m probably guilty of…something.

Here are a couple of examples from the article:

“Silence is not consent. Never assume you have consent – you should clarify by asking.”

I have rarely asked, “May I kiss you.” I have never asked, “May I remove your bra?” or “May I unbuckle your belt?” I have certainly asked if I should reach for a condom, but definitely not every single time when I’m with a regular partner.

“Repeatedly asking someone to engage in a sexual act until they eventually say yes is not consent, it’s coercion.”

“Repeatedly asking someone to engage in a sexual act until they eventually say yes is not consent, it’s coercion.”

Many sexual experiences start with making out, which leads to heavy petting, which leads to clothing removal, which leads to some form of genital stimulation or penetration. This is all, by the way, consensual. But it doesn’t mean that either he/she planned it to happen this way or discussed it.

While we can all stand behind the concept of “no means no,” it’s disingenuous to suggest that all “nos” are created equal.

Sometimes, “no” means “I shouldn’t. It’s a first date.”

Sometimes “no” means, “I want to but I also want you to respect me.”

Sometimes “no” means, “Not now, but maybe a little later if I’m really turned on.”

So while the woman ALWAYS should have veto power, to suggest that if she slows him down when he’s kissing her neck, he should just stop there for the rest of the night is simply inconsistent with most people’s life experience. No sometimes means no. It also sometimes means maybe, especially when two people are kissing, not talking.

I suppose you can say this makes the case for verbal consent. I would only point out that while it’s important to teach men that it’s a woman’s right to say no or change her mind – I’m not positive that talking thru each step of sex every single time with a regular partner is either organic or realistic.

Then again, if a whole generation is being raised this way, perhaps that will become the new normal. Maybe sex, as my generation knew it, will change forever.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

 

Should I Get More Sexual Experience to Be More Like My Boyfriend?

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I am 31 and in an early, but exclusive (5 month) relationship with a wonderful man. He’s 33, good looking, tall, he’s very considerate, generous, loves dogs, gets on with my mother, tick, tick, tick. We have a very, very good sex life too. He’s just the best. There is one thing that I find bothers me.

He has had considerably more sexual experience than I have – a whole lot more, I reckon – and I am finding myself jealous of him. I spent virtually my entire twenties in a couple of long term and unsuitable relationships, which I now regret. I regret not having fun, turning down offers (and I did get them!) and chasing men who weren’t prepared to give me anything. It was a mistake to throw away my youth like that.

What I have noticed is that my current partner is much more self-assured, confident and optimistic than I am. I believe this is because he has been validated time and time again, physically and romantically. He’s also never been cheated on, or even dumped. His experiences have made him a happy and attractive person.

In fact, I’ve actually noticed that as a common theme, in others who were more carefree and up-for-anything in their younger days.

I do want to get married and have children one day. So does he. And we are doing very, very well so far, for a newbie couple. He thinks I’m brilliant and that’s lovely. But would I be making a mistake in not getting the same sexual and fun experiences before embarking on that chapter? Could I become a better, more experienced and well-rounded person by doing so? Please be honest – did I miss out on anything special and is it worth returning to?

Thank you.

Antonia

Thank you for making a brilliant observation, Antonia.

“My current partner is much more self-assured, confident and optimistic than I am…He has been validated, time and again, physically and romantically…His experiences have made him a happy and attractive person.”

100%

You may as well be describing my experience as a single man.

The reason I’m a dating coach is because, despite 300 dates that didn’t result in marriage, I enjoyed dating, I enjoyed women, I enjoyed hooking up, I enjoyed the good stories about bad dates, and I enjoyed the ever-present possibility of finding lasting love.

And if you like the opposite sex, enjoy dating, and feel good about yourself regardless of the outcome, you’re going to be a more confident and attractive person than the person who hates dating, hates online dating, hates the opposite sex and assumes the worst in people.

That confidence — that validation — is priceless, and I wish it for everyone reading this right now. At the same time, I still wouldn’t recommend you throw your relationship away to get more sexual experience.

I don’t blame you for wanting to redo your 20’s. I do, too. But while life may be about an accumulation of new experiences, you don’t want to move off the marriage/children track just to fuck a few more dudes, all under the guise of self-improvement.

One of my first online dates taught me that “the only emotion that grows over time is regret.”

One of my first online dates taught me that “the only emotion that grows over time is regret.” I’m not positive that’s true, but it does resonate. Saying “I wish I…” might make for interesting daydreams, but it rarely holds up in reality.

If you found a man who you think you can spend your life with, that’s the point of dating. Yes, sleeping around is fun, but mostly it taught me what I DIDN’T want in a wife.

Essentially, casual sex is what we do to keep busy until we meet the “one.” And if you think you’ve met the one, you owe it to yourself to stop looking further.

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My Boyfriend Has a History of Sleeping with Prostitutes. What Should I Do?

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I met a man online last year who has treated me wonderfully. He is everything my ex’s have not been. He treats my child as his own. He is transparent (opens all accounts, phones, computers), honest, loyal, caring.

After one month of dating, he told me that he slept with prostitutes for several years. He’s in the military and started with them as a virgin at 23 and continued until 28. He’s seen around 20-30. He is 30 now (like me). He let me read his journal from those years. He never wrote about what they look like or the intercourse, so I don’t think he was focused on “using them” but instead he wrote about how desperate he was to find someone to love and to settle down. He even tried to date them. He had a very hard time dating and was rejected often. He is a very sensitive man. I can tell that he was looking for a connection, love, and intimacy. He also wanted to get laid and that was an easy way to do it. He believed that it was more respectful to pay a woman for the act instead of randomly hooking up with someone at a bar. However, he was arrested at 23 for it and still saw them for years after that. That alarms me. He feels regret and remorse but I just can’t get past it. It doesn’t bother me all of the time, but it comes up from time to time and I feel worried that I’m making a mistake. Especially since I’ve been through a bad marriage. I don’t think he is a sex addict like my ex; sex with him is very vanilla. He seems more interested in the connection for the most part.

Recently he flies to my hometown to ask my father for my hand in marriage and now he just proposed to me. I love him but I just feel worried sometimes, I am afraid of his past.

Like I said, he is wonderful to me and outside of this, he’s pretty perfect for me and my child but I worry I am making a mistake. What do you think? Should I let his past go? Is it a big red flag?

Dani

Somehow, in ten years of writing this blog, I’ve never gotten this question and I’m really glad it was worded the way you worded it. It forces me to think about my answer and try to put myself in your boyfriend’s shoes.

To be fair, it’s a little tricky because I’ve never been to a prostitute. It’s not that I never thought about it. I’d see thousands of ads in the back of LA Weekly and marvel at HOW MANY GUYS were willing to pay for sex. Personally, I couldn’t fathom it — both because I had no money in my twenties and because half the fun of sex was in the act of seduction. Paying someone to be interested in me for an hour was far less interesting than charming someone into actually being interested in me.

But that’s not who your boyfriend is. He’s not a player. He’s a sensitive man with no game who was willing to take the easy way out and straight-up pay for sex. I can’t say I have any friends who’ve confessed to being this way, but I make it a policy to try not to be judgmental about different people’s life choices. Especially if they’re not hurting anybody else. And that, to me, is what makes your boyfriend’s story feel more sweet than creepy.

I think you should let his past go and focus on how he treats you and how you feel with him

While most men would never bring their sordid past up at all, and if they did, they’d minimize it, your boyfriend told you the whole story, his feelings about why he did what he did, AND shared you his journals from the time. You tell me he was looking for connection and that was the best he could do? I completely believe him.

Furthermore, I believe that (most) people grow and change a lot from 20 to 30, and again, from 30 to 40. I wouldn’t want to be judged for the most embarrassing behavior from my early twenties, and I don’t suppose any of our readers would want to either.

So, as surprised as I am to be saying this, I think you should let his past go and focus on how he treats you and how you feel with him, as opposed to behaviors he was open about a decade ago, well before he met you.

My Boyfriend Dumped Me Because I Won’t Sleep with Him. Should I Give In?

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I don’t know if I should have sex. Over a six-month period he’s broken up with me on 4 occasions due to my celibate status. I am recently divorced, but a practicing Catholic observing chastity and trying to date. Currently the guy I am in love with is demanding fellatio under the guise that it is not sex. I love him so much, but I’m uncomfortable. I also feel disrespected for him ask for this as our first sexual encounter. For starters, I am not good at it and I worry that he is taking advantage. I am scared to dissent you see. He is putting a lot of pressure on me and only talks around this subject if he texts back at all. I am doing all the pursuing apparently and its been via texts where I’m practically begging for us to retain at least some form of friendship if nothing else. I feel lost without him. I bought your recent book and am hoping to use these new skills to turn things around. It helped get him back because a month ago he disappeared, yep! He swore never to reply my texts or calls ever again and told me to move on with my life. I don’t know if his demands for sex are normal or if I need saving. Please help!

Julie

I’ve written  about this  a lot. However, your question — in my opinion – isn’t really a question as much as it is a request for validation.

You are a practicing Catholic who is observing chastity.

That is your prerogative and no one can really argue with one’s religious stance.

But what I don’t get — and have never really gotten — is why people who choose to be celibate are surprised when people who are NOT celibate want to have sex?

Of COURSE they want to have sex.

YOU probably want to have sex, too, but you believe that God forbids it.

This means you’re at an impasse and are at a fork in the road where you can choose only one path. Either stick with your vow of celibacy or have sex. There’s not a right or wrong.

It seems you’re investing a lot of time in dead-end relationships that will ultimately lead to this moment, instead of seeking out other chaste, religious men who are on the same page and respect your chastity. Sounds to me like a painful, predictable outcome and a serious waste of time and energy.

So, since you came here for advice, take this to heart:

You shouldn’t be begging to be friends with someone who ignores and disregards you.

  1. Dump your boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to pursue a man who is committed to you. You shouldn’t be committed to a man who doesn’t return your texts. You shouldn’t be begging to be friends with someone who ignores and disregards you.
  2. Get into some form of therapy. Or at least join Love U to learn how to act with confidence, set healthy boundaries, and put your energies into good men who act with kindness and consistency. The worst part of your story isn’t about sex; it’s about how poorly you’re allowing yourself to be treated in the name of “love.”
  3. Think logically. That sounds more patronizing than I want it to, but the math here is pretty simple:
    1. You’ve got a “boyfriend” who never reaches out to you and is telling you to move on with your life. All he wants is a blow-job.
    2. You’re a practicing Catholic who has taken a vow of celibacy.
    3. And your biggest question is how to get this guy back and whether you should break your vows for him?

Girl, please. Your boyfriend sucks. You shouldn’t.

Either stick with your vows and find a man who feels the same way about sex (3% of men) OR enjoy sex with a non-celibate man (97% of men) who is committed to you.

No matter what you do, it’s better than compromising yourself for such a poorly fitting partner.

You Might Have an STD and Not Even Know It

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I found this alarming.

Sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise in America

“Sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise in America, according to new data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In fact, nearly 2.3 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and  syphilis were diagnosed in the U.S. in 2017, surpassing the record set in 2016 by more than 200,000.”

“The United States continues to have the highest STD rates in the industrialized world,” said David Harvey, executive director of the National Coalition of STD Directors.

Make America Great Again, I guess?

The article suggests many factors in this rise, which are all logical and hard to measure.

  • Less frequent condom use.
  • The ignorance of both doctors and patients to get screenings and tests.
  • The ability of people to survive HIV diagnoses.
  • A decline in funding for state and local agencies working on prevention. (Damn that government intervention!)
  • And, of course, everyone’s favorite punching bag, dating apps, which make getting laid as easy as swiping right.

Maybe it’s because I’m a Jewish hypochondriac (not really, but I’m not one of those guys who refused to go to the doctor), however I was so afraid of accidentally impregnating someone that I’ve only had unprotected sex with 3 women in my entire life.

Hell, I had one girlfriend who shamed me for being SELFISH for insisting that I use condoms although she was on the pill.

So, on a strictly personal level, I don’t understand why so many are willing to take the risks of both disease and pregnancy – especially given the severity of the consequences.

I know “it feels better,” to  go bareback but really? Syphilis? Gonorrhea?

Your thoughts, on unprotected sex and the consequences thereof, are greatly appreciated.

PRIVACY POLICY

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