Am I Single Because I Won’t Have Sex?

Am I Single Because I Won't Have Sex

As a teenager, I bought into the whole religious reasons thing to not have sex. Early in college, I considered having sex with my long term boyfriend at the time; however, this relationship abruptly turned abusive and crashed and burned, which made me grateful I’d hesitated.

But nearly ten years later, my dating life is nonexistent. I can barely get a guy to look at me, much less give me the time of day. I hate how desperate I feel and seem to be in wanting a relationship and know that I should be happy with what I do have in life (but when has that ever placated anyone?).

It’s been occurring to me lately that maybe it’s due to the fact that I still haven’t had and am reluctant to have sex. Is this something guys can just read off of me? Is it a turn off? Could this maybe even explain why I have such an abysmal time dating?


I’m sorry that religion impacted your view of sex. I’m sorry that your abusive relationship soured you further. Your reaction to those situations is somewhat normal — if you view sex as problematic, your defense mechanism protects you from men and sex. It also protects you from men and love.

Understand, men look for sex in the process of looking for love. A guy can decide if he’s open to sleeping with you in 2 seconds; he’ll probably take closer to a month to figure out if he wants to be your boyfriend and a few years to figure out if he wants to be your husband. This is normal, too, not behavior to be judged or shamed.

I’ve answered a number of questions from virgins over the years and I’ve always tried to be consistent — even though sometimes I’ve been less than tactful.

“You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.”

You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.

The problems arise when your methodology is counterproductive to your long-term goals.

There are the sexually liberated women who have sex with men and are disappointed when sex doesn’t lead to a relationship. Advice: stop having sex with men who aren’t your boyfriend.

Your situation is the opposite. You’ve desexualized yourself to the point that you’re in the permanent friend zone and you’re wondering why you’re not in a relationship. Advice: stop treating sex as if it’s this big, scary thing, when, in fact, it’s highly popular and pleasurable to billions of unmarried women.

Essentially, I will almost always take the moderate position. Not what works for women. Not what works with men. The only way advice works is if BOTH genders are satisfied with it.

By enjoying foreplay and leading men around the bases for a few weeks, you’ll get a much better idea as to whether a man is boyfriend material, you’ll give him a measure of sexual satisfaction and progress, and you’ll buy him time to figure out if he is just trying to get laid or if he wants to commit to you — without any pressure.

He’ll enjoy the dating process more. You’ll enjoy the dating process more. And when it’s time for you to finally lose your virginity, you’ll do so with a man who is your boyfriend and will be there for you the next day and the day after that. This doesn’t guarantee a future, of course. The chances you marry your “first” remain pretty slim. But at least you stand a very small chance of getting ghosted by the first man you slept with, and you can set a new precedent for yourself to enjoy sex within committed relationships instead of saving yourself for marriage.

Please make sure you click on the 8 Massive Mistakes button below to learn more about how you can get the relationship you deserve — without fundamentally changing who you are.

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  1. 21

    I’ve read that even kids are accessing porn. They start off watching vanilla porn (for lack of a better word) but they have to keep upping the ante to get aroused to more and more outrageous porn. When they finally have sex with a live person, they’re bored. That’s really sad, actually.

    The tendency to get addicted to porn is something that is related to the personality of the person watching porn. People with addictive personalities are going to become obsessed with porn. But it’s not porn itself that is the problem, as they would become addicted to watching Brazilian Soap Operas if that was that thing.

    I’m 28 years old. I’ve been watching porn on a daily basis since I was 11 years old. When I have my day full, with work, social activities or whatever, I watch about 4 hours of porn(mostly cam girls). When my day is free or when I’m having my holidays I spend most of the day watching porn. I love it.

    Am I addicted to it?

    Let’s see.

    Do I ever watch porn when I’m outside of the house? No.

    Do I become stressed out, depressed, anxious, aggressive, when I’m not watching porn? No.

    Can I live without porn? Yes. I undertook an archeological excavation back when I was in college that lasted 3 months. I was in a Middle-Eastern Country without access to the internet and I conducted myself in a professional manner without any incident.

    I’ve never failed sexually, although I do have a few kinks. I can’t stand body hair(my body will not perform if a woman has body hair). But that preference doesn’t come from porn, as I remember watching my first porn movie, a flick from the 80’s from my father’s collection, and I couldn’t feel any attraction for the women in the movie despite of how attractive they were, because of all that body hair.

    I shave ALL of my hair except the hair I have on my head on a daily basis, so it’s fair that I expect the same from the women I’m hooking-up with or dating.

    “It’s just my personal opinion but I don’t think sex can be really good or fulfilling without some level of emotional connection… That’s why the guy who brag about their numbers (the random strangers/women they’ve slept with) don’t impress me.”


    That, again, depends on the person. I’ve had boring sex with women I cared deeply about and had a strong emotional connection with, and I’ve had amazing sex with one night-stands, and with escorts(prostitution is legal here).

    A woman’s virginity can have something to do with it, but it also might be the case that her virginity doesn’t impair her ability to be a good sexual partner, and the same goes for her religion.

    I slept with a virgin in France who I had to teach everything, and I slept with a virgin in a Middle-Eastern Country, who despite being born and raised under Sharia Law had the sex drive and the desire to try EVERYTHING that you wouldn’t exactly expect from someone whose sexually is repressed by men since the day she was born.

    An emotional connection can be conductive to great sex. But a woman you hook up with after knowing her for a few hours, who is so attracted to you that she is willing to go against an extremely anti-female and anti-sex society and patrhiarchy to please you sexually and to be with you, not because she has to, but because you make her so sexually aroused..

    Now that’s like taking 100 viagras at the same time Lol.

  2. 22

    @ Emily, to

    And you feel like throwing yourself in front of a train when you have sexual compatibility and mutual sexual attraction (a rare combination) and there’s no love.

    Yeah, what’s that about?  But one can’t compromise on any of the three, right?

    I never saw sexual compatibility as an issue.  Usually for me, it’s the compatibility that maintains the attraction so they are interwoven. If the compatibility doesn’t work and the chemistry is still there, it’s not great because we’re not on the same page about how to act upon it.  That’s just frustrating.

    Also with sexual compatibility, for me it usually goes with who the person is.  And his depends on how you define sexual compatibility.  I define it fairly broadly about type of sex, frequency, etc.  So the way I see the OP’s situation is that her not having sex is more compatible with who she is.  She isn’t making it a big deal, it is a big deal for her.  She probably has other things that are big deals too.  You can’t just change who you are.  I also think the trauma of being in an abusive relationship isn’t just something many can snap their fingers out of, either.  For her, her previous relationship did turn into a big scary thing and with someone she trusted.  It takes time and some work to heal from that.

    So to me compatibility for her, at least for now, isn’t just about frequency and type of sex, but someone patient with her as she works through all of this.  That’s part of the person being compatible with her sexually.  If he’s in a rush or has his own insecurities about sex, no matter the attraction, I don’t think that would be the right person for her right now. (Krissy, let me know if I’m wrong here.)

    People who are thoughtful, kind, and patient usually are the same in bed.  I say ‘usually’ though.  There are a few, rare people who are vastly different in bed.  But even then, the fact that they are inconsistent that way is about who they are too.  They might be inconsistent in other areas.

    Interesting discussion. I feel for you, Krissy, I really do.  I remember Jeremy’s original comment to this post that it’s a hard place to be. (What happened to those comments? So odd.)  Times have changed and few people wait.  So you kinda have to make choices.  Do you want to focus on being more successful with men?  Is waiting for sex a part of you can’t live with changing? Or do you need some time not dating anyone and building yourself and social skills a bit before deciding anything?  Only you can know for sure.

    Emily, I’ve never been completely in love with someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with.  Not that I’ve been in love so many times, lol.  Just I don’t think I’d let myself fall completely if I had any doubts or unknowns.  I’m also pretty good at assessing sexual compatibility and not just with intercourse.  Some of it is through rounding the bases, but some of it, especially the mental part of attraction, is about the person themselves.  I think I’d have to know that before completely falling.  But that’s just me. 😉



    1. 22.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “(What happened to those comments? So odd.)

      We had server problems and had to reset the site to go back a day.

  3. 23
    Eugenia Caren

    I feel this column isn’t actually answering the issue.

    The author has stated she can “barely get a guy to look at her, much less give her the time of day.” So the advice (foreplay, make him wait, etc) is kind of useless to her since she’s not even in the dating stage right now. That’s the whole problem.

    The question, as she herself formulated, is: do men somewhat feel her reluctance to have sex and is that the reason they won’t notice her?

    Good question, really. Is such a thing possible? Does reluctance towards sex translate to a certain posture/behavior which tips men off? Do they somehow sense such “signals”? And if so, what can be done to foil these signals?


  4. 24

    I have never left a comment on this site before, but I often turned to the blog when I was single. It’s a lovely blog, Evan is full of wisdom, and the commentariat seems insightful, too.

    STILL, I want to write in as a 28-year-old saving sex for marriage and tell you that I met a wonderful, caring boyfriend 5 months ago through a dating app and (guess what?!) he is also saving sex for marriage. We are incredibly happy and have amazing chemistry (on 2nd base hahah) and plan to get engaged once we’ve been dating about a year or year and a half.

    I just want to encourage you because I know how discouraging waiting can be. I live in a big city, I love going out with friends, I’m a liberal, I go to church but also drink and cuss haha – I sometimes wondered if I was being a fool for listening to my conviction to save sex for marriage. Guess what? I likely would have never met the man who I now believe is my future husband if I had tossed my convictions aside. That’s because one of the very first topics we bonded over was our shared stance on saving sex for marriage. I had never had that conversation so early with another guy, but I ended up telling my boyfriend while we were just a few days into talking on the app. If we hadn’t discovered that commonality, we likely would have just left the match fizzle because we lived 2 hours apart and neither of us are fans of long-distance.

    This relationship makes me feel secure, heard, loved, celebrated, and understood more than I ever thought possible. In fact, because I know that my boyfriend understands and shares my convictions about sex, I am actually far flirtier and far more affectionate with him than I have ever been with any guy in the past.

    I’m rooting for you, girl! Sometimes good things are on the other side of a confusing wait.

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