Can I Find Happiness With a Sex Addict?

Can I Find Happiness With a Sex Addict?

I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years. We had an amazing relationship. He was the first guy I fell in love with. He was my best friend and lover. We had talked about the future and had great relationships with each other’s families and friends.

Now, the problem. I recently found out that he had been responding to sex posts/ads online. When I confronted him about it, he immediately confessed and apologized profusely. He cried and said he’s so ashamed of himself. He explained that it’s a sexual issue/addiction that he’s had for years – even before he met me. He swore that he never actually met up and did anything physical with anybody; he had only exchanged messages. He said he’d go to counseling to get help. He asked me if I could find it in my heart to stay with him and give him a chance to fix himself and be a better man. He said he knows I deserve better.

I feel so betrayed, sad and angry. But a part of me also believes everything he told me, because it’s in line with his character. He had always been honest with me, even when we discussed difficult subjects.

I’m 25 years old and I’m attractive, intelligent, funny, etc., so I’m sure I can find another person in the future. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to. Is my ex-boyfriend “the one”? I’m not the type of person who magically “knows” or dreams about marriage, but being with him made me start thinking about the possibility of marriage. Does he have great character, make me happy and help me to be a better person? 100%. Did he hurt me? Yes. Do I think I can trust him again? I don’t know.

Like many people with addictions, he may be a good man with a pure heart, but if he can’t control his own actions, he fits the profile of a high-risk partner.

My rational side tells me that breaking up was the right thing to do and that I should never look back. My emotional side tells me that I should give him a second chance, but only once he’s made progress through counseling. What do I do? I don’t want to do anything stupid. I don’t want to fall into a bad case of clouded judgment due to loss of first love. Unfortunately I don’t have enough experience with love to know. I need your help. –Zoe

Dear Zoe,

A very thoughtful letter and a very tricky situation.

And, to echo your sentiments at the close of your email, unfortunately I don’t have enough experience with addiction (much less sex addiction) to be able to rightfully guide you.

A quick trip to Wikipedia is informative, however.

While sex addiction is not listed in the 2013 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which is pretty much the bible for mental health diagnoses, it’s still prevalent enough to have been studied extensively.

One short description on the page sort of leaped out at me:

Whether it’s a choice or a disease doesn’t matter. He can’t control his urges.

“Jennifer P. Schneider, MD, PhD identified three indicators of sexual addiction: compulsivity, continuation despite consequences, and obsession.”

In layman’s terms, that sounds like some serious shit.

Like many people with addictions, he may be a good man with a pure heart, but if he can’t control his own actions, he certainly fits the profile of a high-risk partner.

In other words, would you be remotely surprised if you got back together and he told you in one year that he spent $5000 on online porn that year? Or maintained a Craigslist “Casual Encounter” ad?

It sure wouldn’t shock me. And even despite that, I wouldn’t doubt that he truly loves you. He’s just an addict. Whether it’s a choice or a disease doesn’t matter. He can’t control his urges. As such, you’re taking a highly calculated risk that he doesn’t backslide.

The one thing I can weigh in on with some measure of authority is this:

You WILL fall in love again.

You’re 25. You don’t seem to lack for attractive traits or self-esteem. You’ve been able to maintain a three-year relationship. You had the confidence to walk away from a boyfriend that you love whom you don’t trust. These are all signs of a highly healthy young woman.

Listen, I believe in second chances as much as the next guy. Hell, if my wife cheated on me, I’d absolutely give her a second chance to make it right – because I know it’s anomalous and not part of her character. Unfortunately, Zoe, your ex-boyfriend’s behavior is not anomalous; it’s chronic.

If anybody is going to give him a second chance, it’s going to have to be the next woman who finds out he’s a recovering sex addict.

As for you, I think you should get back out there, date a bunch of new guys, and see who surprises you. My guess is that he’ll be everything that your previous boyfriend was – without the addiction and trust issues. Keep us posted.

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  1. 61

    You obviously have a personal grudge against some people.  As Karl R suggested, take it up with them.  You’re going to place blame on everyone for some bad things taht happen in the world, really?  People die of starvation in some countries, probably some in this country too, so you better not be going out to any fancy restaurants to enjoy yourself.  Your argument is whacked.  Take your bitterness out somewhere else.
    Just because some women were taken and forced into sexual slavery, doesn’t mean I am never going to watch porn or go to a strip club again. 

  2. 62

    I fail to understand how my saying that the sexual exploitation and treating as property of women and children are systemic and societal issues on a global scale and offering to introduce Karl R. to some of the women and children I represent (for free on my own time – somehow my comment got added to Cat’s comment), so that he can hear their stories personally and tell them to their face to contact the individual who sexually exploited them and treated them like property…makes me the holder of a grudge and bitter?
    I’m pretty sure it means I’m educated and experienced on the subject, and that I consider the freedom from exploitation of women and children a vital social issue, so much so I spend my own time and money to help individuals and hopefully make some changes in the system.
    And, for the record, I have also represented males who have been the victims of violence and sexual exploitation.  Only one of them was an adult male who was the victim of domestic violence.  I would represent more men, but they are not victimized at as high a rate as women and children, and when they are, very few of them come forward.
    Most of the males I have represented have been children (including babies through teens), who have been physically and/or sexually assaulted by their caregivers.
    So, as you can see, I hold no grudges nor I am bitter against anyone.  I do, however, have a problem with societies and systems that do not recognize the extent of and their own role in the perpetuation of violence and sexual exploitation of women and children, and I am not afraid to stand up and say so…and to donate my own time and money to try and make that come about.  I, put my money and time, where my mouth is.
    I also do the same with Veterans organizations, and with a scholarship fund set up in memory of my sister.
    With respect to your comment about eating at fancy dinners, the last time I ate out was last week.  It was at the Country Buffet where I took the boy I represent (as a volunteer) who was repeatedly sexually assaulted by his father from the age of 8-12 before being removed from his home.  Does that count as a fancy dinner I should be ashamed to have eaten?

  3. 63
    Karl R

    Cat5, (#59 & #62)
    Of all the exploited women and children that you’ve met, how many involuntarily appeared in legal, commercially produced porn?
    It doesn’t matter whether I quote half a sentence or your three posts in their entirety. You still haven’t showed a link between the two.
    I know a couple people who have “acted” in porn. I know several others who were strippers. None of them claim to have been exploited or abused … and that includes the one who hated the job and only did it for the money.

  4. 64

    That’s just it Cat5.  There is no correlation with most porn stars/srippers and the people you talk about.  If there is on rare occasion it is beyond the realm of my knowledge or control.  I am not going to quit something just because there is a small chance someone in the porn I am watching is there against their will.  If you think I should then I also think you should stop buying clothes because they could be made by forced child labor and you should not have any 401K investments because some of that money might be invested in places like China or countries that are not friendly towards ours.  Your logic fails.

  5. 65

    @Locutus…with every subsequent post you make, I cannot help but think you have a hang up with porn yourself. If any woman makes a comment about it not being good, you jump on them. Remember, every one that posts has their own opinion, that doesn’t mean you have to some how convince them that they are wrong. I know personally some women that have been deeply hurt & their relationships ruined because their S.O. was abusing porn. With that said, I still don’t think porn use, in moderation, is a bad thing. But another friend of mine does think that porn is the “devil” because of the effects it had on our other friend.  You can debate with Cat5 for the next 100 years & my bet is her opinions will not change. So why labor over & over trying to argue? It seems that you are trying to make yourself feel better about your porn use by arguing all it’s great qualities etc. with the women that post contrary to that. What my or Cat5’s opinions of porn are have absolutely no bearing on your life/use; how much you use it, how it affects or doesn’t affect your own relationships etc. So why work yourself up so much about it?  My personal experience has been that the less my husband uses it, the better he is in bed, honestly. When he was single & we first started dating, he used it probably twice a week with us having sex another 3 or so times a week. And I had no problem with his use.  In the last year, he’s probably “used” it maybe 3 times & the sex is so much better. Markedly. Just an FYI if you’re an “avid user”. It probably affects your performance more than you know/think. There is no vagina on earth that can match the tightness of your own grip & there is no way your body can match the rhythm of your hand thru intercourse – i.e. the “jack hammer” effect, which for women is no good! Now….with ALL that being said, I still think there is a time & place for porn, solo & couples. And again, this is just MY experience & opinions. No need to argue with me now, I’m all for porn!!

  6. 66

    This is bizarre.  I was originally arguing with Cat and then Cat5 jumps in and unloads a load of BS on me.  Then I respond to Cat5’s attack on me and now Cat comes back to scream at the way I responded to Cat5.
    Cat, now you are diagnosing me?  I am not hungup on porn.  I can watch it for 3 hours or 3 minutes, doesn’t make much difference to me.  It doesn’t rule my life by any means.  Sometimes I watch it 3 days in a row, sometimes I don’t watch if for over a week.  Your responses are highly assumptional and downright crazy as you even take a stab at describing how I might get off to porn.  My own grip???  Is that the way I do it?  You have no clue.  Porn is mental stimulation for me.  And no I do not masturbate by ‘simulating’ intercourse.  Wow, amazing how you could possibly actually think you know what is in my mind.  How arrogant.  I already tried to explain to you how your remarks were generalizing, but yet you insist I have some hang up.  You couldn’t be more wrong.  Seems you think you know everything- even what is inside a person’s mind. 
    You are arguing for Cat5’s case?  You agree with her that porn should not be watched because of the plight of a few who are forced into sexual slavery?  That is what you are defending if you are backing Cat5. 

  7. 67

    it,s a blog with a comments section. People are gonna butt in, that,s how it goes. It,s not just you who gets random responses. 

  8. 68

    Really MaryMary?
    No kidding.  My statement had to do also with both members having almost the same username- Cat and Cat5.  That is what contributed to the confusion.  Also, Cat5 attacked my original response to Cat as if my rebuttal had been directed at her.  Almost leads me to believe they are the same person.  I dislike when other members attack you about what you said to somebody else.  That is silly.  They should address my actual stance on the issue because they do not know the full story about my original comments to a different poster nor do they know the real intentions/feelings of that particular poster.  But sometimes they thow in suppositions about how that poster might feel- that is just dumb to do.  That is why it is ridiculous.

  9. 70

    @marymary..thanks for sharing the article. I do have great concern about our youth & their access to porn as well. I have children of my own at that age, one being a son. It’s one thing for grown people to have access to it so easily, but for young kids to have such easy access is scary. I agree with the article that it’s affecting our young boys & girls negatively. Something needs to change on how porn is delivered & accessed, but that is another blog. I still think there is a time & place for porn use (for adults), however, I believe it needs to be off the internet…..that is the only way we will ever be able to protect our kids from it, until they are of age. Either that, or charge for anything to be viewed online – making it very difficult for kids to access. I monitor my kids’ use of the internet, however, there is so much they see just at school that I cannot stop. Kids with Iphones etc. I have read several articles also discussing the rising cases of porn induced ED, even in young men! It can be a true problem for SOME men (that was for you Locutus)!  Thanks again for sharing the article.

  10. 71

    I have a few things to say to you.  The first being that Cat and I are not the same person.  Why on earth would she or I use two different users names?  Evan (or his website administrator) would be able to determine we were the same person because we have to provide e-mail addresses, which can be validated, to make posts.  Even if we gave a different user name and valid e-mail address, the IP address of the computer or computers posted from can be traced and the individuals IDed to determine if we were in fact one and the same person.  I have seen Evan comment on it before when he has banned someone who tries to post again (and on other websites also.)
    Secondly, I have not “attacked” you, unless you consider the time I called one of your responses childish.  For me, calling an individual’s response childish is not the same as calling an individual childish.  There is a difference, and I understand the difference.  I hope you do also.
    Thirdly, you appear to perceive many of the statements made, questions asked or scenarios presented that you don’t like or disagree with as a direct personal attack.  It is not.  You are posting on a public website where people have different opinions and would like to discuss various issues, and the right to express them and respond to various statements regardless of who made the statement or where they originated.  If you would like to have a conversation with one individual, then you should take it to personal e-mail or IM, and not post it on a public website.

  11. 72

    marymary @ #69
    Thank you for posting that article.  It is very interesting, and part of the larger point I’ve been trying to make but seem to have been doing so very poorly.  The issues arising from and surrounding the use of pornography are just one factor in the much larger systemic and societal problems of women and children being treated as property, and subjected to violence and sexual exploitation.  When people focus on one thing, in this case pornography, and say that as an adult it’s my choice, it’s harmless and tell others they are just being prudish, the big picture is missed.

  12. 73
    Karl R

    Locutus, (#68)
    If I disagree with what you say (even if it’s directed toward another person), I’m going to feel free to voice my disagreement. You may feel that it’s silly, but it’s not against the rules of the forum.

  13. 74

    Karl R. @ #63, you asked: Of all the exploited women and children that you’ve met, how many involuntarily appeared in legal, commercially produced porn?
    I think that is a bit of a pointless question because obviously child porn is illegal, and I wouldn’t be representing the women or children if legal action was not involved.
    But I will say the following in answer to your question:  Approximately 30 years ago, I did some modeling, and I was offered, on more than one occasion, significant sums of money to do porn – both pictorial and video.  I chose to pass on those offers because IMHO, whether a person will voluntarily appear naked in pictures and video for any amount of money…is a matter of character.

  14. 75

    Go to an open meeting of SAA, Sex Addicts Anonymous and if your ex wants you back, maybe he would be willing to work a program of recovery in SAA. If he doesn’t get help, he will likely continue his addiction, or it will morph into another addiction.  I was married to an alcoholic and sex addict and did not know for years. SAA AA and Al Anon gave me the info and tools I needed to make good decisions. I wish you the best.

  15. 76

    Hey hon,
    I’ve been married to a man for 15 years and he has struggled with sex addiction for the last 30 years. He is currently is therapy and attending 12 step meetings and doing well in recovery. You should know that he is NOT being honest with you. They never are right away. It took years for my husband to come clean. He most likely has met up with other women and been unfaithful. It’s the nature of the addiction. I was 22 when I first found out. Thought we were on the right path but recently found out he was still living the double life. I’m now 36 with two children and a whole lot more to fight for. Would I have stayed back then? No. I wouldn’t. You get one life and you do not want to be where I am 15 years later. You are young and just beginning. Require more from your partner and for yourself! It’s not an easy road. It is filled with heartbreak, mistrust, and hurt. I’m in it and yes, it’s better but it has not been fun. Good luck!

  16. 77

    Zoe, I’m not sure when you posted this thread, so it might be very old by now… here goes anyhow:  five weeks ago I ended my 3.5 year (good!) relationship with a man whom I discovered was a sex addict.  If I had to choose one guy who had extremely high moral values, integrity, ethical values, and whom I could completely trust and respect for the rest of my life, then it would’ve been this guy.  So to say that the discovery was a tremendous shock, would be a complete understatement.  We had a good relationship and I know he loved me, but one thing you have to keep in mind is that his number one relationship is with his addiction.  You will ALWAYS come in second, unless of course a complete miracle occurs in his life and he is able to (with God’s help) stay “sober” for the rest of his life.  Do some research on this illness, especially books written by Patrick Carnes, and you’ll find that it is usually wonderful men who fall prey to sex addiction.  Just like any other addict, he will have relapses – it is part of the recovery process, and I don’t know about you but I am not prepared to go through the same devastation as I did five weeks ago when I found out my ex cheated on me with prostitutes since the first six months of our relationship.  And I DO love him more than life itself!  I hope you will make the right decision for YOU, and that you’ll find love with someone whom you’ll be able to trust completely for the rest of your life.  I am in my late thirties now, but if I were you I wouldn’t hesitate at all about what to do… good luck, I know it hurts an awful lot right now, but I know that it’ll get better for both of us! 

  17. 78

    Our western culture is very quick to adopt the ‘drop ’em and run mentality’ if the man turns out to be less than perfect, which is ultimately what every human being is. We have been fed years of media garbage that there is a prince charming out there who will treat us like a princess all the time and save us from all our problems. But the problem with that is just that- IT’S NOT REAL.
    Every human has flaws of some kind, and incidentally enough the western psychological culture has labeled EVERYTHING as UNHEALTHY and as some kind of disorder. As someone who has spent years living in the Eastern part of the world and who has studied psychology and health and healing for years, almost EVERYBODY, unless they are heavily involved in some religious duties, has SOME life affecting addiction. Maybe it is the telephone, or the internet, cigs, or alcohol, the point is that: this young Zoe found someone who she loves who loves her back, which is HARD ENOUGH TO DO nowadays at all, with someone who actually ADMITS to a problem and agrees to get help. WHY SHOULD SHE THROW THAT AWAY? Our culture should adopt more to stay and love someone rather than run and divorce seeking for some other person to live up to what we think should be someone better…ultimately what is unconditional love? It is about selflessly loving and being more concerned about the other than you are for yourself. A mother has the perfect love for her baby. Now matter what, that mother will do what it takes to help and care for that child. This is the kind of love we should adopt into our man-woman relationships.
    I just broke up with a man who I was one day away from marrying because I realized at just the right minute he was a sex addict. I would have stayed and married him but he did not even have the capabilities to communicate emotionally with me the situation which happened, or to take responsibility or even apologize for how he behaved. Such a person will not be capable of getting help, and unless they get real help outside, there is no way they will ever change. I would have stayed if he was capable of admitting to his problem and agreed to get help,. Why? BECAUSE I UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED HIM. But some with this addiction have a certifiable personality disorder called NPD, Narcissistic personality disorder and these ones will almost never change.
    I believe that if Zoe’s guy  is serious to change than she should consider being there with him through it, KNOWING FULL WELL that he will probably disappoint her and most probably cheat her. But if she can LOVE HIM through that, and commit to him while he commits himself to change, then they both win by experiencing the pinnacle of what real love should look like. (yes, she has to be careful and watch carefully that he is serious because sex addicts often lie) She will have to be totally selfless. To learn this kind of love, study the great saints of our time like Mother Theresa and Amma, Mata Amritanandamayi who is alive now. They are examples of how we should love others. We should be more like this, instead of reject and run away. We say we are looking for love, but most of what we are doing in relationships is actually not real love. Good luck Zoe, may you find your right path.

  18. 79

    Obviously you didn’t have a “great” relationship if he was hiding things from you.  Regardless, I have dated a “sex addict”.  I think this “addiction” takes many forms, but basically it is how they cope with stress and their lack of ability to have intimacy. Mine was not a good relationship.
    I would advise the following: 1. IF he is willing to go to therapy, join a 12 step program and be completely open with you….consider it. However, this is not without risks.  2. If he says he will ask yourself if this is REALLY something you want to deal with regardless of how much you love him.  Personally, after my experience I will not date any kind of addict/ex-addict. It doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just isn’t something I chose to deal with in my life.   Life is a risk, the question is whether this is a risk you are willing to take. No one should tell you what is or isn’t right for you.

  19. 80

    part of the reason he was sweet and thoughtful  and friendly was to keep the addiction secret.
    Many of these kinds have a real hold on the individuals affected.
    I hope he gets real help and overcome this issue.  

  20. 81

    Water seeks its own level. If you are a healthy, well-adjusted person, you ought to seek out a healthy well-adjusted mate. If you are going back repeatedly to an addict, ask yourself what your own issues are that make you think this is your level. Also, I took a mental health first aid course recently – I highly recommend it. It won’t make you an expert on addiction, but you would be able to ask a mental health expert questions and maybe find some answers.

  21. 82

    I read this with interest since my husband of 15 years has decided that he wants to move out because I place too much stress on him which causes him to take up sex chatting to relieve that stress.  In fact we are at this moment in a 6 month separation and I’m waiting on him to make an appointment with a marriage counselor.  I am currently 56 years old and he is 54. 
    Background: we met in 1996 through Internet chat and became friends.  We finally moved in together in 1998 and got married in 2000.  For many years I was in love with this man.  He had been a programmer that had a dream to become an Attorney.  Since I wanted him to have the opportunity to do what he loved, I told him to go ahead.  He passed the bar and got an office and since he didn’t have clients he had a lot of time on his hands.  Well I woke up one night to find him typing on his computer in our bedroom.  Unfortunately for him, he married a person who knows computers and how to find things – I found where he had created different profiles for chatting online.  When I confronted him with this, he started shaking all over and told me he had a problem and begged me to go to counselling with him.  I didn’t want to – he had been cold and ugly to me lately, but I did it because I wanted to give him a chance.
    Now 5-6 years later, this had reared its ugly head.  Now he has separated from me because my “attitude” toward money and my spending habits are stressing him out and he really, really believes we are now just different.  I’m sorry, but I laugh at the 20 something for her 3 years.  How about being 56 and discovering your husband of 17 years is chatting again and probably has the whole time we have been married.  I wish I would have walked out on him when I first figured it out.  Despite everything I love him, and he says he wants us to go to marriage counseling – but I know he is just biding his time until one of these online women become his next new love – break free now before you look up and find you are 56 and you don’t have the luxury of knowing you are 20 something and have many years ahead of you. 

  22. 83

    I just wanted to comment that I’ve been in a similar position, I was with my boyfriend for 5 years until one day he confessed to me that he’d cheated on me… With a prostitute. Up until then, we’d been happy, our sex life was great and we lived together, and spoke increasingly about getting married (we were in our late 20s). We broke up and when I saw him a year later he confessed all kinds of stuff – that he’d had a problem with porn since he was a teenager (compulsively watching it and feeling guilty), camgirls, phone sex lines and had, in the year we’d broken up seen prositutes regularly. He said he loved me and had been extremely happy when we were together and had no idea why he’d done the things he’d done, but that he couldn’t control his behaviour/impulses, no matter how much he knew he’d feel guilt and shame when it was over. I’ve since moved on and am very happy with someone else, I hardly have any contact with my ex, but last time I saw him he was seeking help.
    My point to all this is, sex addiction is a thing that escalates if the addict doesn’t seek help. It’s nothing to do with how much they love you or whether they’re a good person. You should remove yourself from the equation as otherwise you will increasingly hurt and be betrayed. You also need time alone to rebuild your self esteem and trust before you can move on. I know it’s hard but you can’t fix the addict, you can only protect yourself from their behaviour by removing yourself from the reach of their impact.

  23. 84

    Omg @[email protected] It shocked me that I’ve been through the same situation. Zoe, your story and mine is exactly the same. I’ve dated this guy for almost three years. He is very nice, good-looking and treated me like a queen. But behind my back, he always go on Craigslist looking for sex. He has tone of porno movies. I didn’t know until his brother told me he is a sex addict! When I went out and try to ask for his brother advice if I should take him back. I was sad and hurt and thinking that he is the love of my life and someone I will marry in the future. Now I should take everyone advice from the comments that I should not go back with him because he will never stop or change.

  24. 85

    If i could turn back time and if i had found out about my husbands sex addiction before we got married i would not walk away, i would run. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. He was my first true love and we have been together 16 years and married 13. We have two young children. My youngest is 5 months. I found out about my husbands sex addiction a month ago. Words cannot describe the pain I am feeling right now. the sad thing is, the one person i least expect to be able to hurt me so much is the very person who has. He had been cheating on me for the last 5-6 years. I never suspected. He is a loving husband and everyone i know thinks i am the luckiest person. little do they know!  I still do not know what i will do. things are so much harder when you have been together for so long and especially when young children come along. I can’t just up and leave whereas you can. my advise is to go. you can still care for him but please dont let this drag you down. I look back on the last 16 years and the things i sacrificed, the paranoia and low self esteem i suffered. yes i saw signs but i had put them down to having low self esteem and being paranoid. sex addicts are deceptive and they will lie, and plead and be the most convincing sorry asses so at the end of the day, you think it is you that has a problem with trust, not the fact that what your gut instinct is telling you is true. You will lose confidence in your ability to trust yourself and your decisions. it all happens so gradually that one day you suddenly see it for all its naked ugly truth, like me a month ago. No one is worth you sacrificing your life for. you will find love again. Even if you don’t (which you will!!) it is a better option than being with a sex addict. I wish i had never met him.

  25. 86
    Agnes O'Keefe

    Hi Everyone,

    I have a real sympathy for you all who have involved with your sex addicts.  This is my comment to you all.  I know that you will think it as an insult, but I do not care.  Those of you who are in love with your sex addicts are mentally sicker than them.  Who is in the right mind to fall in love with a perfectly disorder mind?  Imagine yourself as a wealthy person having lots of money only to buy nothing but broken items to bring home to use them, because you fall in love with them?  Look at your money as your emotion and feeling commodity.  You keep investing them in insanely and disorderly people.  You keep looking and waiting for the good yield and returns, but only nothing has returned, except you do not have time to do anything else.  Your time, your job, your image, your look, your age, your life, your joy, and happiness are slipping away from you.  There is nothing wrong with picking a right tomato or a good apple in a basket at the grocery store.  You do not feel regret to drop an imperfect tomato or a rotten apple until you find a perfect one.  Picking a right mate is the same process.  Why do you all still feel or long for a rotten mind who has nothing to offer you, except bad feelings and your bad becoming?  You do not realized that you have been hooked to sex given by a sex expert who are inundated with practice, imagination, and sexual excitements.  They are like good cooks who present you on your dinner table with delectable dishes to please your palate.  You ended up falling in love with their menu filled frequently with new dishes.  Soon, you become a routine boring consumer, so your chef moves on to find other new exciting eaters eager to taste their special dishes from their skillful cooking talent.  Soooooooooo, all of you get out of your miserable prison to  brush up your God given talent (s) to share with others, who are happy to receive it (or  them) to expand or multiply to pass on to the world.

  26. 87

    The one thing I think about – reading all these comments – is where is forgiveness in all this? Boyfriend or husband, why don’t we see other people as humans and commit to them? We all have flaws big or small, so it’s really about finding a person with flaws you can tolerate but at the same time why do we throw away the baby with the bath water?

    I’m not saying that we have to tolerate suffering and abuse but we have to be kinder to each other. If you look at yourself, you have some intolerable habit or flaw but does that mean you have to be alone? Does that mean you don’t deserve love? If your partner is fulfilling you in the majority of the areas in your life, why discard them for the one thing that has nothing to do with you? You can be a porn addict and not physically or emotionally cheat. What if the problem were that your boyfriend/husband has absolutely no sex drive and you’re in a sexless marriage? Do you dump him too?

    Why do we put all these conditions on love?

    Will Smith said recently, “A successful marriage is staying married.” Being with someone isn’t always a bed of roses but it is beautiful. I’ve seen how people can transform their lives and channel their addiction in healthy ways. It takes time but it’s possible. People change if they didn’t we’d all have the mentality of newborn. We naturally evolve and to tell someone that they can’t change especially when you see them progressing is not fair.


  27. 88

    I’m with a sex addict for a little under 2 years. He is not the man of my dreams I thought he was. I’m 44, about to graduate college with a second career. I wish he was supportive because I had my dreams before I met him. We moved in together and he is violent when I don’t give him sex at least twice a day, no matter how I feel. If I say no, he will give me what I call punishments. He keeps me up all night by nudging me so I can’t sleep, he poured water on me and even made it so cold in the house I couldn’t sleep. I’ve got calls from women, recently found a Internet post exchange from a prostitute, and my body is no longer mine. If his private get hard there is a demand for sex, even if it’s 4 am in the morning and he looks at porn all the time, drugs and alcohol. He has put a butcher knife to my throat, broke my phone, all in the name of sex. I’m leaving but I will be homeless I don’t care. He even has a felony on his record for hitting a woman. Everyone in his life thinks he this changed man, he only has female friends but I’m not allowed basically any friends. He’s 45 and I thought he was the one but I can’t stand it anymore, I have outside scars and inside scars, that will never mend. I wish my story was as happy as that letter.

    1. 88.1
      Karmic Equation

      He’s a psycho, not a sex addict.

      Get out. Please.

      There are organizations that will help you. Here’s the National Domestic Hotline that you can call for help: 1-800-799-7233 . Please go to a friend’s house or go to a police station to make this call. Be prepared to leave the same day you make the call.

      Best of luck to you. Your safety is worth much more than your feelings for this man. Be good to yourself first and foremost.

    2. 88.2

      He is what you call a narcissist. I’ll bet you a million bucks he wooed you in the beginning and made you feel like such a desired woman. I can also bet that he made you feel like he is your soul mate, even when you don’t believe in soul mates.

      This is how these men trap their women. Once the women fall fast and hard, the abuse begins…and continues…until either he leaves you once he becomes tired of you or keeps you under his thumb as his fallback woman when the women in his life come and go. This is their modus operandi. They can smell a lonely woman from a mile away. They can sniff out the women who are recently divorced or have come out of an unsatisfying relationship, because they know that these women are looking for someone to sweep them off their feet.

      This man derives pleasure from your pain. He is the cat and you are the mouse that he is dangling before him. Look up narcissism. It is time to RUN, and do it quickly. This man will rob you of everything you’ve got–your self-esteem, your money, etc. It may be difficult to get out, but in due time you will look back and thank your lucky stars that you got out sooner than later.

      1. 88.2.1

        When I read this I thought the same thing.  I was involved with a Narcissist and thankfully got out after 2 years.  Idealize , Devalue, Discard.  Rinse and Repeat.  As Noemi said above.

        They prey on their victims and will never let go.  You have to be strong and love yourself first and get out.  Mine was never abusive, angry or forceful but very smart, successful and manipulative.  They all come in different packages.  GET OUT

  28. 89

    someone asked, ” what advice would you give this girl if she was 37?”  I’d like to know. I’m in that boat, 36, I the relationship 2.5 year sat the 2 year mark when I finally figured it out. Engaged, trying to pick a wedding date when my world and future I thought I had was shattered. This was the man if have children with and now, I either take the risk of therapy working out or leave and either find love in time or maybe not. On top of all of it, mourn and deal with the sadness of what has happened… And the agony of still loving the man you thought you knew.  Flip a coin. I have a long hard road either way.

  29. 90

    Why are you people refering to her man as a narcissist?That’s taking it a bit too far!You all do not even know him personally..only she does! and if he is willing to get help and is serious about it,then she should support him if she loves him!No wonder westerners have a high divorce rate!The comments here prove why!You people must think you’re flawless and feel entiled!No one is perfect but once he’s willing to get help that’s the first step.Sex addiction IS real,porn addiction IS real and people who have suffered from depression and anxiety are more likely to become a victim of this horrenous a former addict I can tell you it is damn fricking hard and it sucks you feel shitty about yourself,lonely,ashamed,dirty and the list goes on but with dedication it does get better.I hope everything works out  best for the both of you.

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