Can I Find Happiness With a Sex Addict?

Can I Find Happiness With a Sex Addict?
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I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years. We had an amazing relationship. He was the first guy I fell in love with. He was my best friend and lover. We had talked about the future and had great relationships with each other’s families and friends.

Now, the problem. I recently found out that he had been responding to sex posts/ads online. When I confronted him about it, he immediately confessed and apologized profusely. He cried and said he’s so ashamed of himself. He explained that it’s a sexual issue/addiction that he’s had for years – even before he met me. He swore that he never actually met up and did anything physical with anybody; he had only exchanged messages. He said he’d go to counseling to get help. He asked me if I could find it in my heart to stay with him and give him a chance to fix himself and be a better man. He said he knows I deserve better.

I feel so betrayed, sad and angry. But a part of me also believes everything he told me, because it’s in line with his character. He had always been honest with me, even when we discussed difficult subjects.

I’m 25 years old and I’m attractive, intelligent, funny, etc., so I’m sure I can find another person in the future. The problem is, I don’t know if I want to. Is my ex-boyfriend “the one”? I’m not the type of person who magically “knows” or dreams about marriage, but being with him made me start thinking about the possibility of marriage. Does he have great character, make me happy and help me to be a better person? 100%. Did he hurt me? Yes. Do I think I can trust him again? I don’t know.

Like many people with addictions, he may be a good man with a pure heart, but if he can’t control his own actions, he fits the profile of a high-risk partner.

My rational side tells me that breaking up was the right thing to do and that I should never look back. My emotional side tells me that I should give him a second chance, but only once he’s made progress through counseling. What do I do? I don’t want to do anything stupid. I don’t want to fall into a bad case of clouded judgment due to loss of first love. Unfortunately I don’t have enough experience with love to know. I need your help. —Zoe

Dear Zoe,

A very thoughtful letter and a very tricky situation.

And, to echo your sentiments at the close of your email, unfortunately I don’t have enough experience with addiction (much less sex addiction) to be able to rightfully guide you.

A quick trip to Wikipedia is informative, however.

While sex addiction is not listed in the 2013 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which is pretty much the bible for mental health diagnoses, it’s still prevalent enough to have been studied extensively.

One short description on the page sort of leaped out at me:

Whether it’s a choice or a disease doesn’t matter. He can’t control his urges.

“Jennifer P. Schneider, MD, PhD identified three indicators of sexual addiction: compulsivity, continuation despite consequences, and obsession.”

In layman’s terms, that sounds like some serious shit.

Like many people with addictions, he may be a good man with a pure heart, but if he can’t control his own actions, he certainly fits the profile of a high-risk partner.

In other words, would you be remotely surprised if you got back together and he told you in one year that he spent $5000 on online porn that year? Or maintained a Craigslist “Casual Encounter” ad?

It sure wouldn’t shock me. And even despite that, I wouldn’t doubt that he truly loves you. He’s just an addict. Whether it’s a choice or a disease doesn’t matter. He can’t control his urges. As such, you’re taking a highly calculated risk that he doesn’t backslide.

The one thing I can weigh in on with some measure of authority is this:

You WILL fall in love again.

You’re 25. You don’t seem to lack for attractive traits or self-esteem. You’ve been able to maintain a three-year relationship. You had the confidence to walk away from a boyfriend that you love whom you don’t trust. These are all signs of a highly healthy young woman.

Listen, I believe in second chances as much as the next guy. Hell, if my wife cheated on me, I’d absolutely give her a second chance to make it right — because I know it’s anomalous and not part of her character. Unfortunately, Zoe, your ex-boyfriend’s behavior is not anomalous; it’s chronic.

If anybody is going to give him a second chance, it’s going to have to be the next woman who finds out he’s a recovering sex addict.

As for you, I think you should get back out there, date a bunch of new guys, and see who surprises you. My guess is that he’ll be everything that your previous boyfriend was — without the addiction and trust issues. Keep us posted.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Vicki

    Water seeks its own level. If you are a healthy, well-adjusted person, you ought to seek out a healthy well-adjusted mate. If you are going back repeatedly to an addict, ask yourself what your own issues are that make you think this is your level. Also, I took a mental health first aid course recently – I highly recommend it. It won’t make you an expert on addiction, but you would be able to ask a mental health expert questions and maybe find some answers.

  2. 82
    Cheryl

    I read this with interest since my husband of 15 years has decided that he wants to move out because I place too much stress on him which causes him to take up sex chatting to relieve that stress.   In fact we are at this moment in a 6 month separation and I’m waiting on him to make an appointment with a marriage counselor.   I am currently 56 years old and he is 54.  
    Background: we met in 1996 through Internet chat and became friends.   We finally moved in together in 1998 and got married in 2000.   For many years I was in love with this man.   He had been a programmer that had a dream to become an Attorney.   Since I wanted him to have the opportunity to do what he loved, I told him to go ahead.   He passed the bar and got an office and since he didn’t have clients he had a lot of time on his hands.   Well I woke up one night to find him typing on his computer in our bedroom.   Unfortunately for him, he married a person who knows computers and how to find things – I found where he had created different profiles for chatting online.   When I confronted him with this, he started shaking all over and told me he had a problem and begged me to go to counselling with him.   I didn’t want to – he had been cold and ugly to me lately, but I did it because I wanted to give him a chance.
    Now 5-6 years later, this had reared its ugly head.   Now he has separated from me because my “attitude” toward money and my spending habits are stressing him out and he really, really believes we are now just different.   I’m sorry, but I laugh at the 20 something for her 3 years.   How about being 56 and discovering your husband of 17 years is chatting again and probably has the whole time we have been married.   I wish I would have walked out on him when I first figured it out.   Despite everything I love him, and he says he wants us to go to marriage counseling – but I know he is just biding his time until one of these online women become his next new love – break free now before  you look up and find you are 56 and you don’t have the luxury of knowing you are 20 something and have many years ahead of you.  

  3. 83
    Anneka

    I just wanted to comment that I’ve been in a similar position, I was with my boyfriend for 5 years until one day he confessed to me that he’d cheated on me… With a prostitute. Up until then, we’d been happy, our sex life was great and we lived together, and spoke increasingly about getting married (we were in our late 20s). We broke up and when I saw him a year later he confessed all kinds of stuff – that he’d had a problem with porn since he was a teenager (compulsively watching it and feeling guilty), camgirls, phone sex lines and had, in the year we’d broken up seen prositutes regularly. He said he loved me and had been extremely happy when we were together and had no idea why he’d done the things he’d done, but that he couldn’t control his behaviour/impulses, no matter how much he knew he’d feel guilt and shame when it was over. I’ve since moved on and am very happy with someone else, I hardly have any contact with my ex, but last time I saw him he was seeking help.
    My point to all this is, sex addiction is a thing that escalates if the addict doesn’t seek help. It’s nothing to do with how much they love you or whether they’re a good person. You should remove yourself from the equation as otherwise you will increasingly hurt and be betrayed. You also need time alone to rebuild your self esteem and trust before you can move on. I know it’s hard but you can’t fix the addict, you can only protect yourself from their behaviour by removing yourself from the reach of their impact.

  4. 84
    Dani

    Omg @_@ It shocked me that I’ve been through the same situation. Zoe, your story and mine is exactly the same. I’ve dated this guy for almost three years. He is very nice, good-looking and treated me like a queen. But behind my back, he always go on Craigslist looking for sex. He has tone of porno movies. I didn’t know until his brother told me he is a sex addict! When I went out and try to ask for his brother advice if I should take him back. I was sad and hurt and thinking that he is the love of my life and someone I will marry in the future. Now I should take everyone advice from the comments that I should not go back with him because he will never stop or change.

  5. 85
    MamaK

    If i could turn back time and if i had found out about my husbands sex addiction before we got married i would not walk away, i would run. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. He was my first true love and we have been together 16 years and married 13. We have two young children. My youngest is 5 months. I found out about my husbands sex addiction a month ago. Words cannot describe the pain I am feeling right now. the sad thing is, the one person i least expect to be able to hurt me so much is the very person who has. He had been cheating on me for the last 5-6 years. I never suspected. He is a loving husband and everyone i know thinks i am the luckiest person. little do they know!   I still do not know what i will do. things are so much harder when you have been together for so long and especially when young children come along. I can’t just up and leave whereas you can. my advise is to go. you can still care for him but please dont let this drag you down. I look back on the last 16 years and the things i sacrificed, the paranoia and low self esteem i suffered. yes i saw signs but i had put them down to having low self esteem and being paranoid. sex addicts are deceptive and they will lie, and plead and be the most convincing sorry asses so at the end of the day, you think it is you that has a problem with trust, not the fact that what your gut instinct is telling you is true. You will lose confidence in your ability to trust yourself and your decisions. it all happens so gradually that one day you suddenly see it for all its naked ugly truth, like me a month ago. No one is worth you sacrificing your life for. you will find love again. Even if you don’t (which you will!!) it is a better option than being with a sex addict. I wish i had never met him.

  6. 86
    Agnes O'Keefe

    Hi Everyone,

    I have a real sympathy for you all who have involved with your sex addicts.   This is my comment to you all.   I know that you will think it as an insult, but I do not care.   Those of you who are in love with your sex addicts are mentally sicker than them.   Who is in the right mind to fall in love with a perfectly disorder mind?   Imagine yourself as a wealthy person having lots of money only to buy nothing but broken items to bring home to use them, because you fall in love with them?   Look at your money as your emotion and feeling commodity.   You keep investing them in insanely and disorderly people.   You keep looking and waiting for the good yield and returns, but only nothing has returned, except you do not have time to do anything else.   Your time, your job, your image, your look, your age, your life, your joy, and happiness are slipping away from you.   There is nothing wrong with picking a right tomato or a good apple in a basket at the grocery store.   You do not feel regret to drop an imperfect tomato or a rotten apple until you find a perfect one.   Picking a right mate is the same process.   Why do you all still feel or long for a rotten mind who has nothing to offer you, except bad feelings and your bad becoming?   You do not realized that you have been hooked to sex given by a sex expert who are inundated with practice, imagination, and sexual excitements.   They are like good cooks who present you on your dinner table with delectable dishes to please your palate.   You ended up falling in love with their menu filled frequently with new dishes.   Soon, you become a routine boring consumer, so your chef moves on to find other new exciting eaters eager to taste their special dishes from their skillful cooking talent.   Soooooooooo, all of you get out of your miserable prison to   brush up your God given talent (s) to share with others, who are happy to receive it (or   them) to expand or multiply to pass on to the world.

  7. 87
    Gloria

    The one thing I think about – reading all these comments – is where is forgiveness in all this? Boyfriend or husband, why don’t we see other people as humans and commit to them? We all have flaws big or small, so it’s really about finding a person with flaws you can tolerate but at the same time why do we throw away the baby with the bath water?

    I’m not saying that we have to tolerate suffering and abuse but we have to be kinder to each other. If you look at yourself, you have some intolerable habit or flaw but does that mean you have to be alone? Does that mean you don’t deserve love? If your partner is fulfilling you in the majority of the areas in your life, why discard them for the one thing that has nothing to do with you? You can be a porn addict and not physically or emotionally cheat. What if the problem were that your boyfriend/husband has absolutely no sex drive and you’re in a sexless marriage? Do you dump him too?

    Why do we put all these conditions on love?

    Will Smith said recently, “A successful marriage is staying married.” Being with someone isn’t always a bed of roses but it is beautiful. I’ve seen how people can transform their lives and channel their addiction in healthy ways. It takes time but it’s possible. People change if they didn’t we’d all have the mentality of newborn. We naturally evolve and to tell someone that they can’t change especially when you see them progressing is not fair.

     

  8. 88
    Mahogany

    I’m with a sex addict for a little under 2 years. He is not the man of my dreams I thought he was. I’m 44, about to graduate college with a second career. I wish he was supportive because I had my dreams before I met him. We moved in together and he is violent when I don’t give him sex at least twice a day, no matter how I feel. If I say no, he will give me what I call punishments. He keeps me up all night by nudging me so I can’t sleep, he poured water on me and even made it so cold in the house I couldn’t sleep. I’ve got calls from women, recently found a Internet post exchange from a prostitute, and my body is no longer mine. If his private get hard there is a demand for sex, even if it’s 4 am in the morning and he looks at porn all the time, drugs and alcohol. He has put a butcher knife to my throat, broke my phone, all in the name of sex. I’m leaving but I will be homeless I don’t care. He even has a felony on his record for hitting a woman. Everyone in his life thinks he this changed man, he only has female friends but I’m not allowed basically any friends. He’s 45 and I thought he was the one but I can’t stand it anymore, I have outside scars and inside scars, that will never mend. I wish my story was as happy as that letter.

    1. 88.1
      Karmic Equation

      He’s a psycho, not a sex addict.

      Get out. Please.

      There are organizations that will help you. Here’s the National Domestic Hotline that you can call for help:  1-800-799-7233 . Please go to a friend’s house or go to a police station to make this call. Be prepared to leave the same day you make the call.

      Best of luck to you. Your safety is worth much more than your feelings for this man. Be good to yourself first and foremost.

    2. 88.2
      Noemi

      He is what you call a narcissist. I’ll bet you a million bucks he wooed you in the beginning and made you feel like such a desired woman. I can also bet that he made you feel like he is your soul mate, even when you don’t believe in soul mates.

      This is how these men trap their women. Once the women fall fast and hard, the abuse begins…and continues…until either he leaves you once he becomes tired of you or keeps you under his thumb as  his fallback woman when the women in his life come and go. This is their modus operandi. They can smell a lonely woman from a mile away. They can  sniff out the women who are recently divorced or have come out of an unsatisfying relationship, because they know that these women are looking for someone to sweep them off their feet.

      This man derives pleasure from your pain. He is the cat and you are the mouse that he is dangling before him. Look up narcissism. It is time to RUN, and do it quickly. This man will rob you of everything you’ve got–your self-esteem, your money, etc. It may be difficult to get out, but in due time you will look back and thank your lucky stars that you got out sooner than later.

      1. 88.2.1
        LC2

        When I read this I thought the same thing.   I was involved with a Narcissist and thankfully got out after 2 years.   Idealize , Devalue, Discard.   Rinse and Repeat.   As Noemi said above.

        They prey on their victims and will never let go.   You have to be strong and love yourself first and get out.   Mine was never abusive, angry or forceful but very smart, successful and manipulative.   They all come in different packages.   GET OUT

  9. 89
    Riser

    someone asked, ” what advice would you give this girl if she was 37?”   I’d like to know. I’m in that boat, 36, I the relationship 2.5 year sat the 2 year mark when I finally figured it out. Engaged, trying to pick a wedding date when my world and future I thought I had was shattered. This was the man if have children with and now, I either take the risk of therapy working out or leave and either find love in time or maybe not. On top of all of it, mourn and deal with the sadness of what has happened… And the agony of still loving the man you thought you knew.   Flip a coin. I have a long hard road either way.

  10. 90
    Gracia

    Why are you people refering to her man as a narcissist?That’s taking it a bit too far!You all do not even know him personally..only she does! and if he is willing to get help and is serious about it,then she should support him if she loves him!No wonder westerners have a high divorce rate!The comments here prove why!You people must think you’re flawless and feel entiled!No one is perfect but once he’s willing to get help that’s the first step.Sex addiction IS real,porn addiction IS real and people who have suffered from depression and anxiety are more likely to become a victim of this horrenous addiction..as a former addict I can tell you it is damn fricking hard and it sucks you feel shitty about yourself,lonely,ashamed,dirty and the list goes on but with dedication it does get better.I hope everything works out   best for the both of you.

  11. 91
    Kay

    Zoe, I have been married to a sex addict for 22 years and I didn’t realize or fully understand the evil until 20 years in – after multiple affairs, prostitutes, money stolen from our family to pay for the prostitutes, and an escalating porn addiction that ventured into such defiling things I didn’t even know existed.   Please take it from a destroyed mother of three, the betrayal will always be one temptation away and the lies and chaos will rape your mind and spirit – thank goodness you do not have children to add to the daily terror and abuse.   As the sexual addiction escalates, his treatment of you will begin to be more and more abusive, i.e. silent treatment, rage, demeaning, degrading.   Leave now young one, run away before the love you have for him turns you into his prisoner.   I’m so sorry, I know the hope you have doesn’t want to hear these truths.   Hope for my children and marriage kept me a hostage for two decades.   If only I had a chance to do it all over again and give my youth and my love to someone who truly loved me and deserved me.   Run away as fast as you can!

  12. 92
    S

    I dealt with this too. My ex is a former alcoholic who came down to Florida for treatment. He was 3 years sober when I met him on a plane. I had no idea about his porn addiction nor that he had an account on a website just to sext. It all sounded plausible to me though because he hadn’t dated in 3 yrs – since he was sober. However when I did discover it, before we were exclusive I felt hurt bc we were dating. However he said he would take it down and not engage in it. That should have been my warning sign to run. But like all of you said, I felt he was sweet and I liked him. Good heart and he seemed genuinely interested in me and I was very attracted to him. He was also the first person I felt attracted to in months since my other ex, who was also a cheater. But that’s another story. Anyway, he did well for a few months and we were exclusive. Then I dunno why but I looked to see if anything was online and if he was doing anything and I saw something that looked funny. Mind you, given our agreement, he knew porn and messaging would not be part of our relationship. I found out pretty much every night I wasn’t there, he’d watch porn AND he went back on the messaging. But just once bc I had found it and confronted him – he tried to lie but then I threatened to log in and he told me he used it once. I broke up with him then and there but he cried. And then I said to myself why would he cry if he could do this. I didn’t understand sex addiction but I knew I didn’t want this. I needed to understand why I wasn’t enough for him. I felt so absolutely horrible about myself and the relationship I thought was so great bc this guy adored me. He really did. But I wanted him to make it up to me. And that was the wrong move. I should have just ended it and learned for myself that this wasn’t about me. So for months more, I montitored him and wanted to prove myself to be a woman that it was worth changing for. But really I don’t even think I wanted him to change bc I don’t think I could have accepted it. Because like some of you said, there is always the risk of back sliding w this kinda addiction. Some you can just avoid and not engage in but sexuality is everywhere. It’s not like drinking where you can just not have a taste.   I’m worried that he would rationalize any type of “cheating” and if he couldn’t or didn’t control his impulses here then what is to say he wouldn’t take that to another situation. Men will find other women attractive. Just like women will find other men attractive. That’s fun. But if you act on it, that’s not. You want to be with someone who has the same values as you in relationships. And everyone has different ones. It’s ironic bc he’d get frustrated when another guy looked at me. Let alone, he was sexting and saw not much wrong w that. It’s convoluted to me. But he was a hypocrite in that way. And at the end of the day, I should have left at that point bc I knew it was over. I still think of him sometimes and bc he had such an amazing heart and was so kind it can be hard. But I know lack of trust is a deal breaker as well as the impulsive behavior. It does make for a very high risk partner and it’s not what’s going to make me a better person or a good partner to someone else. I envy your strength and I wish I had had the same resolve you do to walk away in the beginning of knowing. You’re saving yourself a ton of heartbreak. You will find someone you love who you can trust. Give yourself time to get over him. For me it’s only been months. But don’t talk to him. Addiction is serious. And I don’t think he’d throw around that word if it weren’t true. No one wants to admit to that sorta thing. Especially a guy. Listen to him when he gives you background bc that’s the thing I should have done – inquire more. He gave me partial truths about his past w this and looking back I now see it bc he gave me more whole truths later. My best advice is respect yourself.

  13. 93
    ThePinch

    I am a (recovered) addict. Ok, not to sex, and I’m 26 years clean, which makes me a bit of a dinosaur. But addicts have a specific way of thinking and behaving, and you may or may not be ready for this.

    We love the high. In those moments, we are invincible. Its like winning the lottery. And when we are not high, we are always looking – consciously, or unconsciously, for the next thrill; the next high.

    You have been in a relationship with this man for 3 years, which says something about him, too. But for the rest of your time with him, you will always be looking behind your back. For the rest of   your life, you will have to protect yourself from his illness. You will be suspicious (and rightfully so), nervous, and constantly wondering. Your friends and family are all targets. You will be in the doctor’s office every month for tests. Do you really want to bring children into this? And what will you do if and when your suspicions are confirmed?

    When people like me act out, it becomes obvious very quickly. And most of the damage, in my case, is done to ourselves. When you have a relationship with a sex addict, you put your life at risk.

    Start putting yourself first. And that means thinking of yourself not just as a loving, caring woman, but also as someone of great value.

    Ask yourself why you want a stone around your neck when you are so very young and have so many opportunities.

    Start thinking about him not just as an addict, but as a fully functioning human being. It is up to him to make the changes. And it may take years to earn your trust. If you were in your sixties, like me, and knew him for decades, that’s one thing. Like the song says, what has he done for YOU lately?

    I can’t make those decisions for you. All I can say is that you must come first.

  14. 94
    Karen

    Zoe, Just walk away.   I am now in divorce proceedings with my husband of 29 years, 20 years of which he has spent as a sex/porn addict.   He will never change.   I’ve busted him with this issue over and over and he just lies and tries to find more and better ways to cover it up.   I finally said enough and refuse to spend what time I have left on this earth with an addict and narcissist who blames everyone but himself for his problem.   You have a lot going for you and you shouldn’t waste your life with an addict.   Sex addiction is akin to heroin and crack addiction in the difficulty of breaking free of it.

  15. 95
    Mbali

    I just found out my man is sex addict he NVR had a relationship in hiz life I’m the first lady he fall in love with . I love him so much I CNT loose him I found happiness in him   .I so witch to help him but I dnt know how . we only 10 months n we planning to get MarMarried soon   n HV own kids

  16. 96
    Lady L

    I really hate to say this or even be on this pg..but to read these stories made me feel a lil better knowing someone else understands the pain & hurt ….so many times my mind told me it was a problem with him but my heart wouldn’t let me act on it now yearsss later im full of regret, confusion, hurt, & unbearable pain ..being with an sex or porn addict is by far the worst because they.ll never see the wrong in it no matter how hard you try to explain..love is a powerful word when dealing with someone   but you have to love yourself enough to move on or learn to except it & for me i jus cant except it any longer his actions has broke me down to my lowest point…..thanks everyone for sharing sometimes just reading a similar story can make u feel better because it becomes more realistic & real letting you know you arent exaggerating i wish u all the best including myself & praying that any & everyone affected by this will be eventually ok..& gets the strength to trust or love again

  17. 97
    Ehsaas Mehta

    Hey there !!! Just read your story , I have never known what a relationship is or have never fallen deeply in love.   But you know what ? I can understand your sentiments and emotions. Sometimes finding the right person or thinking that very person you are in a relationship is he the one? True love is scary to an extent because it sweeps of your feet. That individual becomes everything to you . Changes do happen in people, I know it is hard for you to believe but may be you have such a great connection that he wants to redeem himself for you. I know it is difficult but atleast try to give him a chance and also to your relationship. I hope you guys have a great future .

    Wish you a happy and beautiful life.

    Thank you

    Ehsaas Mehta

     

  18. 98
    Zoe

    I agree. This would actually be more than a second chance. I never gave up. I tried to understand where he was coming from and understand his feelings. I even tried to make it more exciting when we would be intimate based off of the things he liked. He has an amazing heart. He is a great man, he will always be my first true love, but I will have to try and move on. This is going to be extremely hard, but I’ve noticed once before, we had about a month apart. Things were getting rough and I felt like we needed time to clear our heads. In that one month I was getting back to myself. I wasn’t feeling anxious or depressed. I was smiling all of the time. I was putting my resume out and picked up a little job   while doing that. So, maybe we are better apart. My love for him will remain forever. My children love him and he calls my daughter his princess. They are close. I told him I would never keep the children from him. He asked me to make that promise. What do I do? Any advice on how to even start getting thrpugh this? Thanks xo

  19. 99
    Michelle Hepworth

    Sex addiction hurts partners in ways that other addictions don’t. Zoe please research this. It truly sucks but by leaving him you maintain dignity. Always remember that love and Trust are two separate things. I think you need to hear that you are a healthy woman when you know you are enough as a beautiful woman who is precious more than rubies and that your self-worth is great. Chaste women are healthy. Being a woman should be celebrated in your relationship. The abuse of Partners needs to stop. And I think the trauma model abuses partners as well. Your boyfriend’s problem is his problem and existed before you knew him. He just lost you due to his poor self management and not loving himself. It is so very hard for everyone involved. It really sucks!

  20. 100
    Michelle Hepworth

    Zoe, My ex- boyfriend is a recovering sex addict. There is always hope for the best. I have hurt so deeply about the whole thing. It is an intimacy disorder. Please know that even cohabitation destroys self character. Sex addiction is very very serious. It’s wise to leave the relationship for your own self esteem and dignity. He needs to be accountable to himself and the shame he feels without blaming you. Partners to stay become Co addicts and need therapy themselves. The best thing you can do for each of you is to leave and set some healthy boundaries.

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