Can You Have Meaningless Sex While You’re Looking for a Long Term Relationship?

Can You Have Meaningless Sex While You're Looking for a Long Term Relationship?

Dear Evan,

If you’re looking for a long term relationship… can you just go back to having meaningless sex until you find one? For the past couple years I feel that I’ve been so focused on doing the right things to attract long term relationships that I’ve lost touch with my vixen playful side, or at least hidden that side until I’m in a relationship. I feel like I’m going through a phase where I just want to have some hookups or just get LAID and go out with guys just because I’m attracted to them and because I CAN. Would that be totally backtracking? Will men still take me seriously if I “go there” right from the beginning? Lately I just don’t care HOW it’s perceived, I just want to have some sex with a hot sexy guy. Melanie

Dear Melanie,

Like I said in a post from last week, rules are rules for a reason. You can choose to live by them, or you can choose to break them, but, for the most part, the results they produce are going to be somewhat predictable. So, as a rule, will men take you seriously if you “go there” right from the beginning? No, they will not. That’s where the whole idea of making a guy wait until he’s your boyfriend came from.

Men are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quickly and judge you for having sex quickly.

Men are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quickly and judge you for having sex quickly. Indulge them and you are unlikely to inspire confidence that you are “different” and that you don’t do this with “every” guy. I’m not saying it’s fair or right. I’m saying it’s real.

However, you know that, Melanie. What you’re concerned with is strictly feeding the beast that is your own libido. And frankly, I’m all for it. There is absolutely no contradiction between wanting to have some exciting, hot sex and wanting to find true, everlasting love. Both desires live within you and shouldn’t be ignored. I hooked up with a LOT of people on my way to marriage; some turned out to be girlfriends, most turned out to be random. I would never judge you for doing the exact same thing I did for ten years. BUT, (oh, come on, you knew there was going to be a ‘but’,) there are two things that merit your attention:

Every second you’re investing in the wrong guy is a second you’re not looking for the right guy. It’s not that there’s anything bad about playing around on the side while you pursue a relationship, it’s that if you’re juggling one or two booty calls on Tuesday and Saturday nights, when exactly are you making time for the potential keepers? That’s right: you’re not. The time and effort you put into pure sexual relationships could potentially be channeled into something that is, in the long-run, more productive.

You may want to be able to handle meaningless sex more than you’re actually able to handle it. It’s easy to theoretically have meaningless sex. It’s different when you’re intoxicated by the presence of a man, when you crave his touch and his attention, when you’re under the influence of oxytocin, which chemically bonds you to a man after intercourse. These are very real, very biological reasons that makes it far more difficult for women to sleep around. If you think you’re immune to these feelings, look back on your life at your more promiscuous days.

Every second you’re investing in the wrong guy is a second you’re not looking for the right guy.

Were you happier?

Were you feeling better about yourself?

Did you end up falling for some of those guys in spite of yourself?

History tends to repeat itself, and only you can answer whether you’d actually like it to. All I can tell you is this: if you have an itch and you need to scratch it, go ahead. But if you keep scratching that itch over and over, eventually, it’s going to start to hurt. Take care of your libido, Melanie, but don’t lose sight of your emotions in the process.

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  1. 361

    Sure, for the most part, you can do anything in the liberal societies we live in today as long as you don’t violate the rights of others. The better question is should you have ‘meaningless sex’ while you are looking for a long-term relationship?

    I would say no. I am not particularly against casual sex when someone is not looking for a relationship although I think it is far from ideal. What I am concerned with is that those who have casual sex while looking for a relationship. I believe that wanting to be consistently sexually gratified as while as validated leads to worse outcomes when looking for a relationship.

    Consistently wanting to be sexually gratified speaks to an inability to delay gratification which IMO  is crucial to success in the long-term, whether it be school, relationships, work. It also makes one less motivated to go after in vigour the partners that they desire in life. It makes one have less of a   desire to ultimately find the person that fulfils the wants, and ideals they seek in a relationship. It also makes people stay longer in bad monogamous relationships then they want too because in a sense they are addicted to being gratified.

    As well the validation that both men and women draw from casual sex leads to laziness when pursuing someone they might want to be in a long-term relationship with. You can say that the people who you have meaningless sex with don’t mean that much to you I don’t believe that. That would mean that you are deciding to spend the limited time you have on your earth to hang around people that don’t mean that much to you! If that is the case I don’t believe that that mindset reflects positively on you. Instead of seeking validation from the external source of ‘meaningless’ casual sex I think that energy and time are better spent introspecting and reflection on why you are not with the partner that you want to be in a long-term relationship. Digging down to your insecurities, to why you are coming up short in your quest for a great relationship and then relentless improving yourself.

  2. 362
    Konnect Life

    Men are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quickly and judge you for having sex quickly.”


    The type of men YOU (and most American women in general typically) accept are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quckly and judge you for having sex quickly.

    The good guys are learning what typically works for most American / westernized women, and learning this information/skills from the type of guys who have been proven to have success with women or have most women voluntarily give themselves to them, and making personal changes to be more like them.

    Therefore, through the teachings of PUA or Dating Coaches for men, eventually most men will learn that waiting or taking it slow either = friendzone, or = the woman labeling the gentleman who is respectful or takes it slow as “nice / too nice,” then moving on to another guy who knows how to move at a faster pace. The result will be MOST men not wanting to voluntarily play the “take it slow” or “friends first” game (because they’ll know better) UNLESS they aren’t really interested.

    Guys (who are genuinely interested) don’t simply judge solely for moving too fast. Guys judge for (mainly American/westernized) women always moving fast with the type of guys they complain about most, while pushing away or limiting the good guys to “just friends.” Most good guys who do actually get a woman know from experience how quick women typically are to give themselves to the wrong types of guys, or cheat on good guys with a bad boy, so they are very judgmental based mostly out of the fear that the woman they love and care for are statistically known to do this, and sometimes anger if they have experienced this.

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