Can You Have Meaningless Sex While You’re Looking for a Long Term Relationship?

Can You Have Meaningless Sex While You're Looking for a Long Term Relationship?
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Dear Evan,

If you’re looking for a long term relationship… can you just go back to having meaningless sex until you find one? For the past couple years I feel that I’ve been so focused on doing the right things to attract long term relationships that I’ve lost touch with my vixen playful side, or at least hidden that side until I’m in a relationship. I feel like I’m going through a phase where I just want to have some hookups or just get LAID and go out with guys just because I’m attracted to them and because I CAN. Would that be totally backtracking? Will men still take me seriously if I “go there” right from the beginning? Lately I just don’t care HOW it’s perceived, I just want to have some sex with a hot sexy guy. Melanie

Dear Melanie,

Like I said in a post from last week, rules are rules for a reason. You can choose to live by them, or you can choose to break them, but, for the most part, the results they produce are going to be somewhat predictable. So, as a rule, will men take you seriously if you “go there” right from the beginning? No, they will not. That’s where the whole idea of making a guy wait until he’s your boyfriend came from.

Men are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quickly and judge you for having sex quickly.

Men are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quickly and judge you for having sex quickly. Indulge them and you are unlikely to inspire confidence that you are “different” and that you don’t do this with “every” guy. I’m not saying it’s fair or right. I’m saying it’s real.

However, you know that, Melanie. What you’re concerned with is strictly feeding the beast that is your own libido. And frankly, I’m all for it. There is absolutely no contradiction between wanting to have some exciting, hot sex and wanting to find true, everlasting love. Both desires live within you and shouldn’t be ignored. I hooked up with a LOT of people on my way to marriage; some turned out to be girlfriends, most turned out to be random. I would never judge you for doing the exact same thing I did for ten years. BUT, (oh, come on, you knew there was going to be a ‘but’,) there are two things that merit your attention:

Every second you’re investing in the wrong guy is a second you’re not looking for the right guy. It’s not that there’s anything bad about playing around on the side while you pursue a relationship, it’s that if you’re juggling one or two booty calls on Tuesday and Saturday nights, when exactly are you making time for the potential keepers? That’s right: you’re not. The time and effort you put into pure sexual relationships could potentially be channeled into something that is, in the long-run, more productive.

You may want to be able to handle meaningless sex more than you’re actually able to handle it. It’s easy to theoretically have meaningless sex. It’s different when you’re intoxicated by the presence of a man, when you crave his touch and his attention, when you’re under the influence of oxytocin, which chemically bonds you to a man after intercourse. These are very real, very biological reasons that makes it far more difficult for women to sleep around. If you think you’re immune to these feelings, look back on your life at your more promiscuous days.

Every second you’re investing in the wrong guy is a second you’re not looking for the right guy.

Were you happier?

Were you feeling better about yourself?

Did you end up falling for some of those guys in spite of yourself?

History tends to repeat itself, and only you can answer whether you’d actually like it to. All I can tell you is this: if you have an itch and you need to scratch it, go ahead. But if you keep scratching that itch over and over, eventually, it’s going to start to hurt. Take care of your libido, Melanie, but don’t lose sight of your emotions in the process.

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Comments:

  1. 361
    Josh

    Sure, for the most part, you can do anything in the liberal societies we live in today as long as you don’t violate the rights of others. The better question is should you have ‘meaningless sex’ while you are looking for a long-term relationship?

    I would say no. I am not particularly against casual sex when someone is not looking for a relationship although I think it is far from ideal. What I am concerned with is that those who have casual sex while looking for a relationship. I believe that wanting to be consistently sexually gratified as while as validated leads to worse outcomes when looking for a relationship.

    Consistently wanting to be sexually gratified speaks to an inability to delay gratification which IMO  is crucial to success in the long-term, whether it be school, relationships, work. It also makes one less motivated to go after in vigour the partners that they desire in life. It makes one have less of a   desire to ultimately find the person that fulfils the wants, and ideals they seek in a relationship. It also makes people stay longer in bad monogamous relationships then they want too because in a sense they are addicted to being gratified.

    As well the validation that both men and women draw from casual sex leads to laziness when pursuing someone they might want to be in a long-term relationship with. You can say that the people who you have meaningless sex with don’t mean that much to you I don’t believe that. That would mean that you are deciding to spend the limited time you have on your earth to hang around people that don’t mean that much to you! If that is the case I don’t believe that that mindset reflects positively on you. Instead of seeking validation from the external source of ‘meaningless’ casual sex I think that energy and time are better spent introspecting and reflection on why you are not with the partner that you want to be in a long-term relationship. Digging down to your insecurities, to why you are coming up short in your quest for a great relationship and then relentless improving yourself.

  2. 362
    Konnect Life

    Men are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quickly and judge you for having sex quickly.”

    CORRECTION:

    The type of men YOU (and most American women in general typically) accept are usually sexual hypocrites who push you to have sex quckly and judge you for having sex quickly.

    The good guys are learning what typically works for most American / westernized women, and learning this information/skills from the type of guys who have been proven to have success with women or have most women voluntarily give themselves to them, and making personal changes to be more like them.

    Therefore, through the teachings of PUA or Dating Coaches for men, eventually most men will learn that waiting or taking it slow either = friendzone, or = the woman labeling the gentleman who is respectful or takes it slow as “nice / too nice,” then moving on to another guy who knows how to move at a faster pace. The result will be MOST men not wanting to voluntarily play the “take it slow” or “friends first” game (because they’ll know better) UNLESS they aren’t really interested.

    Guys (who are genuinely interested) don’t simply judge solely for moving too fast. Guys judge for (mainly American/westernized) women always moving fast with the type of guys they complain about most, while pushing away or limiting the good guys to “just friends.” Most good guys who do actually get a woman know from experience how quick women typically are to give themselves to the wrong types of guys, or cheat on good guys with a bad boy, so they are very judgmental based mostly out of the fear that the woman they love and care for are statistically known to do this, and sometimes anger if they have experienced this.

  3. 363
    Treifalicious

    This is why you have a regular FWB that you know and trust and don’t see him more than one every couple he of weeks. And make sure he’s someone you wouldn’t actually date so that you’re not tempted to get attached no matter how good the sex is. This way you have regular, quality sex while still having time to date more seriously.

    I did actually date a guy for 6 months and paused things work the FWB. When we broke up I texted the FWB and resumed visiting with him again.

    This had been going on for some 6 years now. I get tired of it but until I’m in a relationship there’s no reason to stop. Before the FWB I had gone through a 6 year dry spell. SIX YEARS! I will never be celibate that long again if I can help it…

  4. 364
    Treifalicious

    I will also add that most of the women I know who are happily married with kids, etc slept around a fair amount before meeting their husbands. I’ve read that it’s because they’re playing the numbers game, meeting a lot of men increases their codes of meeting The One.

    If also so that the pheromones that kick in when you’re getting laid regularly make you not attractive to more men creating a virtuous cycle where the more sex you have, the sexier you are and the more offers you get. This is why suddenly everyone is interested once you’re already in a relationship but not before.

    Cultural norms aside, at the end of the day, men like women who like sex. The trick is to make him feel like he’s the only one you want to have sex with our will inspire you to new heights sexually.

  5. 365
    KC

    I don’t know how old most of these comments are (I’m writing this in 2019) but I think now it’s pretty much a given that love hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin are definitely a thing. Reference “The Evolution of Desire” by David Buss and “Love Factually” by Duana Welch.

    I know I’m highly prone to oxytocin addiction. I’ve literally wasted YEARS of my life because of longing after having sex with some guy and feeling the pang of what I thought was true love. The incredible highs when we were together (ignoring the fact that we didn’t do anything BUT have sex and hang out at my place while I made dinner and breakfast for him) and the crashing lows of waiting weeks to hear from him. It sucks.

    Last year after listening nonstop to EMK’S books, podcasts and videos along with a wealth of other materials, and after a long distance thing with a guy half my age who I was traveling to see and have sex with thinking he loved me (yup he had a girlfriend on the side) I decided that for me, I wouldn’t have sex outside the boundaries of a committed relationship.

    It’s been over a year since I’ve had intercourse or anything past heavy petting. I’m not dying from lack of sex, I actually feel better about myself and I’m more productive in my (hopefully temporary) celibacy.

    I’m dating a man I met at my church right now, we’ve been on four dates so far, plus sitting together holding hands during service. We’re taking it slow, but I feel so comfortable with him!

    For me, casual no strings attached sex is like being on the Atkins diet. You get the steak, but you don’t get the sides. I want the wine, the mashed potatoes, the salad, the garlic bread and the chocolate cake – the richness of a full relationship. Waking up next to my boyfriend and knowing he’s there for me.

    So I’ll wait.

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