Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

My husband wants me to have an affair and has fantasized about it for the last 5 of our 10 years together. He gets turned on at the mere thought of me having sex with someone else. And, this fantasy doesn’t go away.

We had some serious problems a couple of years ago and I was unfaithful once. I told him and he went from hurt, to jealous, to turned on and asks me to talk about it now during sex. The fantasy arouses me too, but I’m mainly aroused by his arousal. Is this type of fantasy better kept a fantasy? I would never be turned on at the thought of him with another woman. Thanks for your advice.


Oh, Sugar, Sugar.

Sounds to me like you just got the world’s best (and rarest) hall pass:

Men Who Want Their Wives to Fuck Other Men.

This is also known as cuckolding, and I’m not quite sure I’m the go-to guy on the subject. In our household, we joke that one day (maybe on my 50th birthday), I’ll get my threesome with another woman. There are no equivalent jokes about watching my wife with another man.

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship.

But here’s the thing with fantasies…

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship. Which is why it’s harmless for me to joke about a threesome; I would never bring someone home from Craigslist and ruin my marriage because of it. And it’s why your husband is still pressing for the idea of seeing you with another man. In fantasy form, it’s harmless. In reality, well…

…you’re kinda like me — a sexual hypocrite. It’s cool if you’re with someone else; you just don’t want to imagine him with another woman.

Thankfully, he’s not asking you to imagine that. He’s asking if you’re open to being with another man with his permission. And from what you’re saying above, it sounds like you are.

You wonder if this is okay because it’s not the other guy that excites you, it’s being aroused at his arousal. Well, who cares? Arousal is arousal. Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time. So, on the surface, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him taking pleasure in you taking pleasure out of another man.

Where things may go awry is when unexpected emotions arise.

Will your husband truly be cool watching you have sex with another man? Hearing about it afterwards? Sleeping in the same bed where the deed was done? It may sound great in theory; who knows what he’ll feel like after the fact. One may be able to intellectually separate sex and love, but jealousy isn’t a rational emotion.

Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time.

Similarly, how will you feel about unleashing the dragon of polyamory? Maybe this is a one-time deal. Maybe your husband will want to see you with more and more men. Maybe you’ll get emotionally bonded to one of these new men. Maybe this one experience will irrevocably change the way you view sex and marriage. That’s a lot of maybes on which to risk a marriage.

Strangely, the good thing that you have going for you is a ten-year relationship that has already overcome infidelity. This means you should be able to address most of these concerns beforehand, and deal with any surprising emotional issues that come up afterwards.

So am I giving you the green-light to have sex with another man even though you’re married?

Yes, but I wouldn’t be if I didn’t think that your relationship couldn’t survive it. You have to accept your husband at his word that this will be a turn-on, and if this arrangement doesn’t work for both of you, you must return to the way things were before — with Pandora firmly back in the box.

Let us know how it goes.

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  1. 21

    What about the “other man” (men?) in these scenarios?   It would seem both the husband and wife here expect the other dude to be cool with a one nighter, or an ongoing casual ‘thing’ – but what happens if he develops stronger feelings for the wife? Territorial feelings of his own? Wants more sexual encounters, time, emotional involvement? As EMK has said, “Men look for sex and find love”. If one acts out fantasies like this what assurance do they have the third party will always play along with complete compliance to the rules the couple set forth?
    This fantasy reminds me of the movie Indecent Proposal. The husband initially thinks his wife having sex with another man for $1mill won’t bother him too much. When it’s done he becomes obsessed with the act. “Was he good? Was he good? TELL ME, WAS HE GOOD?”
    Before doing something emotionally messy like getting a bystander involved in their sex life, I wonder if this couple have explored their fantasies through role play? They could arrange to meet someplace and the husband could pretend to be a “new” guy who picks up his wife and beds her. The wife could role play this in a way she thinks would arouse her husband.
    Agree that sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies. Not only because of potential repercussions, but also because often  a fantasy is just more FUN  as a fantasy and not acted out.

    1. 21.1

      holy shit you are so exact on that! Thank you for saying that. Fantasies should stay fantasies because they are more fun that way. Nobody wants repercussions. Everyone should sit and ponder on that.

  2. 22

    Karl 14 – yes, I reckon she should discuss this with her husband, very openly.  
    Perhaps for some couples, it’s refreshing to have someone else on a regular basis.   Maybe it adds some “spice”.   My own very biased thoughts are that they are bored with each other.

  3. 23

    @Clare #17 – I agree with you, they were my immediate thoughts. It could potentially all backfire and ruin the marriage if acted out in reality.

    1. 23.1

      You dont want to open that ppandoras box. Besides, once you have lived out you fantasies, they aren’t fantasiess anymore.

  4. 24
    Karmic Equation

    This is just a twist or a kink of NSA sex. If you really don’t understand the mentality that allows a woman to have NSA sex, you’re not going to understand the mentality of a MAN who’s ok with woman-sharing. It may be beyond your comprehension. So all you can really do is project. But remember, you’re thinking like a woman, not like a man. So your suppositions are probably unrealistic.

    Let’s just say I have had a similar experience to Yuri’s. Only I experimented within a committed relationship. The deal was if he wanted it to happen, he had to find a guy I found attractive. I didn’t take that initiative. So when he got jealous, he stopped scouting for the extra man. End of story. No using/pimping/ulterior motives.

    Frankly after the third time, the novelty had worn off for me. And about that time he expressed mild jealousy, so I knew he would stop asking in due time. He stopped asking at five. He never threw it in my face and as MsB alluded to it helped build a connection rather than drive us apart.


    Interesting. I’m not sure I agree. With the bf I experimented threesomes with, he was beta out of bed, but alpha in bed. My recent ex-bf broached this subject as well (and I decided against it), but he was alpha in and out of bed.

    I’d tend to think of this more in terms of exhibitionism and voyeurism rather than dom/sub. But I don’t have any experience with dom/sub culture, so I’ll defer to you that it’s common within that culture, for reasons of control rather than voyeurism/exhibitionsim reasons.

    In Sex at Dawn, the authors noted that the biggest genre of porn nowadays is the “gang bang” kind. Which the authors hypothesize to be because of “sperm competition” — which is more aligned to the alpha / beta argument than the dom/sub one.

  5. 25

    I’d have to agree with you, Karmic Equation.   The guy I was with was most definitely not submissive – in or out of bed.   He was most certainly a voyeur/exhibitionist as all of his sexual wants and activities clearly indicated.
    But perhaps the majority of men who enjoy cuckolding are submissive.   I could see how that would work.   Submissive men sometimes get turned on by being insulted – and infidelity could most certainly be viewed as an insult.   Just an assumption, though…my experience with the submissive type is relatively low.
    I guess it truly just depends on the man and what drives the fantasy.   So for Sugar’s husband, it would be helpful for her to know what his other fantasies are so that she will know what he is looking for sexually.

    In any case, men generally have multiple sexual fantasies (as do women).   If you’re not comfortable sleeping with other men, opt for another fantasy to act out.   That may lighten the load (pun fully intended).

  6. 26

    If you try this do NOT get pregrnant.

  7. 27
    faded jade

    This doesn’t sound like such a sweet deal for sugar.   Really doesn’t sound like something SHE wants to do, only something she might reluctantly do to please her man.   Her previous affair was a response to serious problems (not a great idea, but doesn’t sound like something she really did for her own pleasure).   Has her husband been pushing this fantasy for the past five years, or did she only recently find out that he’s been having this fantasy for five years ?
    I don’t really think reluctantly acting out a sexual fantasy that one is uncomfortable with just to please the other partner is a good idea.   Resentment could ensue.   What if she goes down this path just to please her man ?   Will he just want to push her farther and farther ?   Will it be enough to watch her with just ONE other man, or will he escalate it to more than one man ?   Suppose he decides it would really be cool to watch her with a woman ?   Who gets to pick these men, her or him ?   What if she gets tired of acting out his fantasy ? Or refuses new fantasies that he comes up with.   How will he react ? Nothing against mixing it up in the bedroom if BOTH partners are on board, but when it becomes something that one person does just for the pleasure of the other it   could lead to a very dark place.

    1. 27.1

      Taken from personal experience, I don’t think it is a good idea for a lot of ladies. I was one of those woman that was always with very jealous men. Then I met a new guy, (we were both in our 50s) he is not Jealous! Turns out he would love to watch me doing it with other men and then have me after them. He says he only got this way when he met me. I was surprised to find this out about him and said I may be open to it, if it was something   I could even do. I tried it a few times and it was not fun! The sex was kinda fun but, I did not feel good afterward (I have personal issues from a young girl). Then he wanted me to meet men by myself. I tried that, it did not go well. The man was a jerk and I just wanted to get away. I told my guy I would never do this again! I told him it makes me feel bad. I told him it made me feel like a total slut. I cried about it so many times. I was the only thing that made him really horny. After that, he still talked about it all the time, it always turned him on and we would get into a fight. It was the only thing that really turned him on! I felt like I had SLUT written across my forehead. We have now been in a relationship for 8 years and for the most part he doesn’t talk about it…and when he does…sure enough I breakdown and another fight erupts. I will be 60 soon and I hate having sex with him now. I have told him so many times that he needs to stop having this fantasy or I will have to leave. I tell him to find another younger lady that is into that. I do not know if he has turned me off because of the fantasy or is it because of my age. I tell you, it can be a very slippery slope that can lead to real sadness. I am so sad that I have stayed in this relationship for so long but I will miss him if I leave. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. He says he loves me all the time but he is also very emotionally not available.  

      1. 27.1.1

        Jen, your views and past experiences on this matter makes me have great respect for you. My close friend and his wife had a similar situation when he agreed to let her for a limited time. She had convinced him that their marriage was in a slump and she really needed an “arrangement” for a few months to bring things up. I suspect that she already had a guy on the side and she just wanted to feel legit. about it.   She is extremely jealous of other women and he must remain hers only but she would have full options about who, and when she would be with other men. After the time period she said it would continue because it has helped her self confidence and it is still improving. She has no intentions of giving up the arrangement and she is slowly convincing him that it stay in place until she decides differently. He is starting to come around to her way of thinking and told me that he wants to stay with her and it is what he has to accept!   I feel like there is plenty of women who are the principle players in an open marriage.

      2. 27.1.2
        s buell

        My wife is in her early 50s and we have a great sex life.     Part of our love making is a fantasy   her with one or two young hung black men.     We use a large black dildo and vibrator and she has several intense orgasms.   Then as part of the fantasy I take over after her young lovers get her warmed up.   We talked about bringing in young hung guy in his 20s.   She has a fantasy about watching a guy jack-off.     But that is as far as it gets.   It is fun to have sexy fantasies but once you cross the line, there is no going back.   We live in an apartment next to the pool.   Soon the “pool boys” will be out and she will be have sex two at a time with hot young studs while I’m at work.      Enjoy your fantasy.

  8. 28
    Karmic Equation

    @Faded Jade
    Your questions seem to imply that the OP has no say in what happens now or in the future. Yes, any or all of your questions are possibilities, but OP can and will have a say in each step of the way.
    I think you’re projecting. She says “This fantasy arouses me too” — so if she does it, it’s NOT ONLY because she wants to please her man.
    Most women wouldn’t give a second thought to “cooking a meal” that she’s not crazy about to please her man. You change the topic from anything to “sex” and all of a sudden most women get weirded out. Men go shopping with you just to please you. Men visit with your parents (and you theirs) just to please you.
    Try to think of sex as “just another topic” instead of ‘OMG IT’S SEX!!” and you’ll be surprised at how “open” your man will be to talking to you about his fantasies. Believe me, if you want to build a connection with a man, one of the easiest ways is to talk about sex…not in a flirtatious way, but in a conversational way.

  9. 29

    Just remember that he can use your infidelity against you in the divorce. Which will happen, sooner or later.

    1. 29.1

      Or against him.   “He convinced me to do it!”

      she cheated previously, so what could this possibly provide to be used?

  10. 30

    Karmic Equation – 28 – I think the OP is not talking about “talking about his fantasies” but acting on them.
    Talking is one thing – acting on them another.
    Mr. Gorgeous walks by and I would just love to go up and say “hey, how about sex”? (in my mind!!!!!)

  11. 31

    I don’t know why you all are acting so uptight over this. People lives different lives than you!  Though this isn’t completely normal behavoir its all nothing out of the ordinary. Just because you can’t imagine your partner wanting you to have sex with someone else and being down with it doesn’t mean other people aren’t. I really dislike raw tomatoes, some people love them, I don’t try to tell people who love them that they are wrong.

    1. 31.1

      I agree with you totally Julia.

    2. 31.2

      Julia, You are totally correct. There are MANY marriages that include “Arangements which allow one or both spouses to fulfill their needs with others outside their marriage. It works for some and does not for others. Sometimes just an occasional fling is needed. This is common.

  12. 32
    Karmic Equation


    If you’re single, you ought to try that sometime. There’s nothing wrong with making that fantasy come true, as long as all you want from Mr. Gorgeous is sex…and you’re ok with rejection should he say no. But according to most ladies here all men will have NSA sex with you if you let them, so the odds of you being rejected are slim to none, so there’s really no risk of that.


    I may be wrong, but I suspect that couples who can openly talk about their fantasies, and willing to take action to make those fantasies come to life, aren’t the type of people to breakup/divorce because those fantasies came to life.

    In other words, if this couple divorces, it’s highly unlikely they’ll divorce because they had a threesome. They’ll divorce for other reasons.

    It’s kind of sad to me that there’s this undercurrent of not trusting the husband’s motives…even though the OP has written that SHE’s the one who had the affair.

    Do you think that a man who can forgive an infidelity is really the kind of man who’d throw a threesome (that HE wants) in HER face? I don’t think so. To me, the fact that the man was willing to forgive her and work through that infidelity speaks HIGHLY of him. What kind of men have you gals been dating that would make you distrust men so much?

    IMO, if you trust a man enough to have sex with him; if you trust him enough to love him; if you trust him enough to marry him; you need to trust that his sexual motives come from a place of curiosity, not control, not vengeance, or from any other negative motvation. If you believe a man you’re with, who shares his fantasies with you (probably hoping you’d be willing to make a few of those come true) — can’t be trusted, you should dump him.

    If you intend to stay with him, you owe it to both of you to not judge him for his fantasies. He’s not wrong for having fantasies. You’re not wrong for not wanting to make them reality. It’s about sharing and acceptance. Men don’t judge you for not wanting to make his fantasies come true. You shouldn’t judge him for having those fantasies in the first place. Opposite sides of the same coin.

    I think you should all be congratulating OP and her hubby for being able to discuss their fantasies openly and without judgment of each other. That’s love.

    What they do about this fantasy is “just sex” 🙂 Lighten up.

  13. 33

    Thanks Karmic Equation.   It’s my birthday soon – maybe that’s just what I’ll do.  

  14. 34

    Happy almost-birthday, Judy!   I hope that if you decide to act on this fantasy, you’ll return to this site and let us all know how it goes… I’m sure many readers will want to enjoy your adventure, vicariously 🙂

  15. 35
    Karmic Equation

    Judy, you go girl! Make sure you have condoms in your purse.
    Henriette, you don’t have to live “vicariously” if you don’t want to 🙂 What’s the point of being a grown up if you won’t allow yourself to have grown-up fun?

  16. 36

    Ha ha Henriette 34 and 35.   Just for the hell of it, I went and bought a rather revealing top and said to the saleswoman “Geez.   That’s a bit indecent isn’t it?”, reply “Be indecent while you can” (:o).
    You have to admit – it’s rather a nice birthday present, isn’t it? Gorgeous man walks past and you just grab him and without any ceremony, say, batting your little eyelids “It’s my 60th birthday, sweetie.   Wanna give me a present?” (Sheesh!)

  17. 37

    Here is my take on this matter: being a guy,(not married) I am kind of into the same fantasy, but have never experienced it with a girlfriend, as far as her doing another man… my diagnoses is that I am guessing the man in the situation above likes to watch porn… as I do… we watch these porn goddesses get fucked and it gets us off… We like to watch… having sex with our woman is awesome… but porn is hardwired into our brain and we start to imagine what it might be like to watch our woman get banged by a different man… I mean, we like watching hot pornstresses get banged and hear them moan…. it could just be amazing to watch our little lady do the same thing? having sex and watching porn are so very different….  the sex is what you are fantasizing about while you watch it…. having sex with your wife is not the same as watching her fuck somebody else… and knowing that it is your wife that you are fantasizing about takes the whole visual porn experience to the next level

  18. 38

    Ramon 37 – how poetic your words are.  
    I’m assuming that when you do marry, the sex will become making love.   Maybe you will fantasize about your wife becoming a porn star.   Maybe you won’t be jealous.
    Don’t bank on that one.

  19. 39

    What Julie #31 said. There’s a whole world of poly out there. People meet each other at clubs, on online dating sites etc… meet for dinner to see if they all like each other, rather than going for sex right away, and so forth. If this is what both OP and her husband want, there are a lot of ways of accomplishing this in a safe way, with people they trust. Is poly my cup of tea? Hell no. It just isn’t something I’m into. Do I have friends that are into it, enjoy it, and wouldn’t have it any other way? Yup. Nothing wrong with that, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.

  20. 40

    Seriously, he wants you to have an affair! That is because it would make it ok for him to have an affair. Just saying…..

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