Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

Are Some Fantasies Better Kept A Fantasy?

My husband wants me to have an affair and has fantasized about it for the last 5 of our 10 years together. He gets turned on at the mere thought of me having sex with someone else. And, this fantasy doesn’t go away.

We had some serious problems a couple of years ago and I was unfaithful once. I told him and he went from hurt, to jealous, to turned on and asks me to talk about it now during sex. The fantasy arouses me too, but I’m mainly aroused by his arousal. Is this type of fantasy better kept a fantasy? I would never be turned on at the thought of him with another woman. Thanks for your advice.


Oh, Sugar, Sugar.

Sounds to me like you just got the world’s best (and rarest) hall pass:

Men Who Want Their Wives to Fuck Other Men.

This is also known as cuckolding, and I’m not quite sure I’m the go-to guy on the subject. In our household, we joke that one day (maybe on my 50th birthday), I’ll get my threesome with another woman. There are no equivalent jokes about watching my wife with another man.

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship.

But here’s the thing with fantasies…

They’re fantasies. They don’t have to be acted out in real life if it would cause real life harm to the relationship. Which is why it’s harmless for me to joke about a threesome; I would never bring someone home from Craigslist and ruin my marriage because of it. And it’s why your husband is still pressing for the idea of seeing you with another man. In fantasy form, it’s harmless. In reality, well…

…you’re kinda like me — a sexual hypocrite. It’s cool if you’re with someone else; you just don’t want to imagine him with another woman.

Thankfully, he’s not asking you to imagine that. He’s asking if you’re open to being with another man with his permission. And from what you’re saying above, it sounds like you are.

You wonder if this is okay because it’s not the other guy that excites you, it’s being aroused at his arousal. Well, who cares? Arousal is arousal. Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time. So, on the surface, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him taking pleasure in you taking pleasure out of another man.

Where things may go awry is when unexpected emotions arise.

Will your husband truly be cool watching you have sex with another man? Hearing about it afterwards? Sleeping in the same bed where the deed was done? It may sound great in theory; who knows what he’ll feel like after the fact. One may be able to intellectually separate sex and love, but jealousy isn’t a rational emotion.

Being aroused at someone else’s reaction is why men have responded to women’s fake orgasms since the beginning of time.

Similarly, how will you feel about unleashing the dragon of polyamory? Maybe this is a one-time deal. Maybe your husband will want to see you with more and more men. Maybe you’ll get emotionally bonded to one of these new men. Maybe this one experience will irrevocably change the way you view sex and marriage. That’s a lot of maybes on which to risk a marriage.

Strangely, the good thing that you have going for you is a ten-year relationship that has already overcome infidelity. This means you should be able to address most of these concerns beforehand, and deal with any surprising emotional issues that come up afterwards.

So am I giving you the green-light to have sex with another man even though you’re married?

Yes, but I wouldn’t be if I didn’t think that your relationship couldn’t survive it. You have to accept your husband at his word that this will be a turn-on, and if this arrangement doesn’t work for both of you, you must return to the way things were before — with Pandora firmly back in the box.

Let us know how it goes.

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  1. 41

    I know a man who fantasized about his woman sleeping with another man. He talked about it all the time. He asked her over and over to do it. He really wanted her to please him and to make his fantasy reality. She finally did it. She slept with another man in front of her husband and he really enjoyed his evening. Although the next day, his attitude towards her changed completely. He couldn’t see her the same way. His opinion of his wife changed after seeing her with another man and he never overcame it. Unfortunately, they separated shortly after.

  2. 42

    My brother had a 3 some and the girl fell in love with the third party …a woman and they got divorce.   This is not a game and a marriage should have boundaries and limitations.   

    1. 42.1
      Dr. Will

      Then she was not meant to be with him.

  3. 43

    Countless people have this fantasy and act upon it- there is an entire industry, from all inclusive vacation resorts to regular meet and greet events in every city across the country, that cater to this lifestyle when this fantasy is put into practice. It is an unconventional lifestyle choice, but there are just as many couples that embrace and are successful with it as there are those for whom it becomes a disaster. The best advice is if you love each other, trust each other, be mature about it, and let sex be sex, while not confusing it with anything else, you may not only enjoy yourself, but strengthen as a couple. Whatever you decide, best luck!!

  4. 44

    I came on this because I have had my girl jerk off anther guy before. What happened is we were apart. She was away in another country. Her home country S. Africa, her neighbor had flashed his cock when she came to get his sister. She immediately told me and I told her to go back and tell him to show you again and jerk him off and I want you to record it as it is happening. She went back and jerked him off. I was so turned on a must have jacked off thinking about it for 2 weeks straight. I didn’t mind as ling as i knew that she didn’t want a relationship with him, it was a one time thing and it makes me want her really bad. LOL

    So now what goes around comes around and I was asked by an Indian guy to fuck his wife. He said she always wanted a black guy with big cock and he fantasizes about it so he is figuring out a way to make it look random and that he isn’t in on her having sex with me. Crazy! So he is setting her up to get flashed by me and try to get her to fuck. he knows her buttons and told me how to do it.  

    I told him women ogle me all the time and talk about how good looking   I am a lot and I should have no problem making it happen. I made sure he was REALLY okay with it.  

    1. 44.1
      Dr. Will

      sperm competition 101 right down to the book and usually it’s the hand job will dobro the trick. Introcourse is a very intense level of sperm competition.

  5. 45

    Sometimes I agree with Evan, sometimes I don’t, and you can chalk this one up in the firmly disagree category.
    This will only end in tears.   So much for the sanctity of marriage.
    Please tell me your vows did not include something along the lines of forsaking all others.   Maybe we should completely alter marriage vows to the point they aren’t really vows.
    “I will forsake all other, to death do us part…or until you no longer do it for me.”

  6. 46

    Yeah, totally playing with fire here.   I knew a couple that were very into the multi-partner scene, or so they thought.   When the female of the duo participated in an orgy, an act that was completely discussed and given the “okay” from her male partner, something changed. She had had sex with another man, not another woman, and all of a sudden, within one month a break up occurred. Within a year, the man (who said he would never marry) found a much younger woman and treated her like his queen (the way we all want to be treated, frankly) married her and now according to Facebook posts, squires his new, lovely young bride around town with the greatest happiness and pride.    Of course the former girlfriend of this man is appropriately devastated, of course she wanted to be the bride. Among other things, so messed up about that relationship, I attribute his change of “sexual heart” to their multi-partner sexual lifestyle.   I don’t think many individuals are mentally programmed for this kind of emotional/psychological/physical roller coaster.  

  7. 47

    My wife and I do this. But there are rules. Heres what works for us.  

    !. She chooses the guy, the act, the place ect.. ect..-   For I am no Pimp.
    2.   The guy cannot be a known friend or know where we live. – dont need one knocking while grandma is visiting.
    3. If I am not there- Videos and Pix must be taken. – not everuy oppertunity is planned. this adds to the excitement. Its also a fair exchange in my opinion, for some guys like privacy. but none resist the idea of recording their venture.  
    4. The guy must know what is happening and why. – this eliminates his intelligent interest for emotions.
    5. The guy is instructed to ravish- not love. – this draws from the predatory instinct of man, again reducing emotional interest.  
    6. HE MUST ALWAYS CUM IN HER MOUTH, HAND OR FACE! – this is, so far, always acceptable for him, she has no chance of pregnancy, there are no doubts afterwards or fears in the morning.
    7. All of this is discussed every time, without fail, with everyone involved. Communication is absolutely required.  

    The hidden clause and invisible rule #8 – I expect her to cheat some if not all these rules, so its a game- when she does (shes no reason not to be honest and tell when she slipped) the consequences are not in the form of divorce papers… but rather in form of deviance. I make her tell the story in detail while acting it out on me. or some other form of my own pleasure- i.e. she wears lingerie all day or a short skirt without panties on a very public date..   

    Its all common sense too- if rule 6 is broken- we ensure a morning after pill, and a medical exam is done asap. if rule 2 is broken- a simple chat with him resolves future complications. But with so many hypothetical situation to all the rules given- RULE 9. BE FLEXIBLE or DON’T BE DOING THIS AT ALL.

  8. 48
    Used to do it

    I used to have a fling with a girl who had a boyfriend. Now I am married and want my wife to have NSA FWB. She is into it we have no idea how to find a guy however. For perfessional reasons we don’t want to do it with someone we know. The online people seem like creeps and want to f on first site.   My wife wants me to watch. I tell her to find a guy who thinks she is cheating as I think that would be easier. But not an uncommon fantasy.  

  9. 49

    One thing never mentioned in this discussion is how fantasies are important to have, but once you make a fantasy a reality, you now need new fantasies. This is how people go from having fairly tame fantasies, to acting out fantasies that are quite bizarre. You act out one, then need a new one to entertain your mind. Then eventually you act out that one, and now you need something new. It’s like drugs. You start with something tame, but eventually you are hooked on crack and your life is in ruins.

  10. 50

    Sure . You are not hot enough for him and he will leave you
    soon or later, even if you have a kids.,
    He didnt forgive you from the begining., SURE  

  11. 51

    There is a difference between open marriages and married people who just want to try things. There is nothing wrong with experimentation. Even the hard core emotions it can sometimes evoke are not always bad. Sometimes, in my case, hurtful things were said but we are still together and have tried things again. She understood after sometime that the things k said to her after it happened were nothing more than feelings of being left out (I watched her). Now however we know that it is something we both need to be involved in. Since I am not submissive I found it difficult to see her giving something to someone I wasn’t getting myself. Her on the other hand got really excited by a watching me with another woman and had no problems just watching. I guess that’s just the way it is. Either way, it can work. Good luck!

  12. 52

    My husband of 17 years and I tried this.
    Found a FWB wr hooked up on a regular basis.
    That came to a screnching halt when I got pregnant.
    Yes, with the FWB child. He developed strong feelings and I lost
    contact with him ( I changed my number)
    My beautiful babygirl is 3 now and I’ll always live with the fact of our
    foolish decisions but doesn’t change my love for her.
    We are still together (4 kids) but I would have to say  
    DON’T DO IT!!!! so many things can go wrong.
    I could go on and on , I’ll just leave it @ NOT A GOOD IDEA

  13. 53

    We tried it and my wife hated it and told me that I was more than enough man for her. Good ego boost. I watched but was not excited like I though I would me. Maybe it was all the Scotches I drank or maybe it was because my wife was just laying there letting the guy pound her until he came.   On the other hand, my wife set me up with her best friend and just watched the first few times and then joined in. No kidding, but that lasted for 38 years and just ended a few years ago when we had to move to another State. Our g/f was married and convinced her cuckold husband to move near us but they lost a lot of money in the last recession and both had to come out of retirement and go back to work in their professions which were licensed in only one State.

    My wife like it best when I made love to our g/f. That made her so hot that she would devour me afterwards. Then she got into sex with her g/f and now she says she only fantasizes about women. From what I read and saw, we were lucky. The perfect storm to form a triad that was so strong that our g/f purposely found and married a cuckold so that she could continue to share her life with us. Her cuckold never wanted to watch. She would just call him every night we were together and tell him what happened and to be honest, she made a lot of it up to feed his fantasy. She saw no harm in telling him what he wanted to hear. She loved him but not in the way that a wife loves a husband.   He was her white night, a product of a divorce when his first wife left him for her lover, who provided her with a nice home and financial support for her and her son.

    We met a lot of couples into wife swapping and swinging through good friends of our. In fact it was the husband of our friends that my wife has sex with. They socialized with the local swingers/swapping club and we did too. I is almost a cliche but husbands and wive did fall in love with sex partners and divorce their spouses. There were unwanted pregnancies despite protective measures.   Sometimes both the husband and wife were cheating. There was a lot of drama and our friend married others and we lost touch with most of the couples we knew.

    So my wife gets aroused by watching me but I do not get aroused watching her. I think if I saw her make love to a guy like she does to me or even better, I would stop it and that would be the last time she did that. I am too alpha for that and could not consider myself 100% straight if I wanted to eat the sperm of another man. Where do you draw the line between straight and bisexual? How about licking his urine off of my wife or his spit? Is that being straight? Not in my book. As I have read, over 50% of cuckolds are bisexual and yet 100% of them say they are straight. 🙂   My wife used me as her proxy until she finally came out as bisexual and I think it is like that with a good many cuckolds. That was the case with the cuckold of our g/f. He let her spend weeks with us because that gave him an opportunity to entertain his men friends at home. Who cares what we do as long as it does not hurt anyone and we all have fun.  

  14. 54

    Before meeting my current husband I had been married twice and had dated several men. I had always had fantasies of being with multiple men. When I met my current husband and he told me that he had enjoyed seeing his ex-wife with multiple men, I saw this as my chance to experience the same thing.
    Two weeks into our relationship my current husband brought up the subject of me being with multiple men, and I told him of my fantasies. That following weekend we had 6 men to my house, two of the men my current husband worked with and the others we found on Craigslist. The reality of the experience was as good as my fantasies had been.
    My current husband and I have been together for 8 years now, married for two. I have played with other men since that first weekend, and it has been great. My husband loves to watch me with other men and I love being with other men in front of my husband. I also have two steady boyfriends I see regularly.  
    The sex that me and my husband have together is great, and the sex I have with other men just enhances our relationship. It can and does work for some people.  
    I am often the one who brings up wanting to play, and my husband is always happy when I do. For me, it feels natural to have sex with other men, mostly because it is something I have always fantasized about. I love my husband, and he feels most loved by me when I have sex with other men. He has always enjoyed seeing me, as well as his ex-wife, have sex with other men. I see this as a bonus to the already amazing relationship I have with my husband.  
    I have watched my husband with other women, when we have gone to swing clubs and parties. And it feels good to be wanted. And to see other women wanting my husband and him enjoying these other women makes me feel good knowing that I can give him the same pleasure through sex with others.
    Sex is, and should be, fun. I will admit that I have deep feelings for the two men I see regularly, and that is okay. I love them, and my husband knows it. The maturity of the couple, and the strength of the relationship are important, and so is communication. We have all of that. And we love the life we live, that includes sex with others.
    As long as a husband and wife or BF and GF are in agreement, and they both want this, it can work out very well.
    I say go for it.

    1. 54.1

      DeeDee, Your wonderful for sharing yourself with other guys !   Everyone involved is enjoying these meetings and all are adults, so its beneficial to you all. Just be very careful about STD’s and getting pregnant ! Men AND women are supposed to love sex so your group of guys are so lucky ! One lady that I know has about the same situation as you and she requires her guys to make friends with each other because at times she has appointments with up to five guys at a time. Lucky,Lucky men !!!

  15. 55

    I would not recommend it for the average person.   That being said I am one of the guys that love watching my wife having sex with other men.   

    Separating sex and love is the only way to do it.   We have been married for 18 years and together since High School.   I was her only partner and I thought life is too short to only have sex with one person.   So we looked into swinging.   

    Swinging is kind of hard because you have to have 4 people mutually attracted to each other.    And guys are very easy to find on sites devoted to swinging.  

    Bottom line fast forward 5 years from the start of this adventure.   We love each other just the same.    She has experienced 3 other guys.   One guy has become a very good friend which is pretty cool.   It adds to the excitement mixing vanilla friends and him knowing he will be having sex with her when the other friends leave.

    So in my opinion we are not normal.   From the outside looking in we appear normal in every way. We have a lot of vanilla friends that have no idea of the kinky fantasies that go on once they leave.   But hey I am sure they have their fantasies once their doors close too.   


  16. 56

    I’m bisexual and I told my wife I wanted to watch her then join.she’s totally OK with it

  17. 57

    My super sexy exotic raven haired wife gets hit on all the time.   It turns me on that men want her.      I fantasize about her banging other guys all the time.    But that is about as far as it will ever go.    She is not down with being shared.

  18. 58

    It’s not an easy choice to make, and it really depends on both the husband and wife’s bonds.   Unfortunately, you can’t test what will happen until doing it. Some relationships will not survive, others will.  
    I can only relate late my own experience.   Years ago, my girlfriend and I were going through a rough period where we broke up.   At some point I saw her embracing another guy. As they kissed, he had his hands all over her ass. While I was feeling terrible about the breakup, I was excited watching unseen, her kissing and being fondled. I found that I also enjoyed watching her expressing her passion in her actions.   
    We got back together and later married. I told her about seeing and watching her with this guy and although it was a bad time, I was really turned on by watching her. I explained that it was her actions that turned me on (her getting more passionate as he fondled her ass), and I’d like to watch her like that again. Although she didn’t say no, she was a little hesitant.  
    Over the next few weeks, we discussed different scenarios that each of us liked.   We decided that the best option, since she has no problem with nudity, we were already going to nude beaches, and she was already very comfortable in that setting, was flirting/interacting with men by herself while I watched. We both found the idea sexually exciting.   
    The next time we went, she went first then I came and sat at another place and watched.   It was a real turn on watching her alone and undress and by the attention she got.   It was very different than when we had gone together as I could watch her and everybody around.   We haven’t gone to the beach “together” since.   
    Every time we went she’d be approached at some point. They’d come up and talk to her, throw a towel down next to her or below her.   She got comfortable enough to put suntan lotion on a few guys backs and asked them to do the same to her.  
    This enhanced our sex life; not that it needed it, but it really kicked up the excitement between us.  
    We started other things like shoe shopping without panties, clubbing with her wearing outfits like a very thin floral print dress with shoes and nothing else underneath. Again, all of our activities involve her being “alone” as I watch.   If she liked a guy, she’d dance with him and make sure they danced slow so that (if he didn’t notice already) he would feel that she had nothing on underneath.   I never pressured her to go beyond any of her limits.   
    Finally, on her own (she said it was a spontaneous moment), after a slow dance, and they were sitting at a high table with chairs, she took him by the   forearm and put his hand under her dress and right on her lips.  
    I won’t go into all the other stories, but I have watched her get fingered, eaten and finally screwed with him unaware that I was watching.   Now, the screwing is a very occasional event, but the others happen as either of us gets in a mood.  
    The danger is always emotional attachments that might form, but we’ve managed to avoid that trap.   We make a lot of eye contact while I’m watching, and it’s more like our own private game.   Talking about it all during sex only increases our enjoyment.  
    I won’t say this works for everybody, but it does for us.   I have read about many, many divorces that happen to swingers, because of jealousy or attachments.   We’re not swingers.   It’s more like bringing a toy into our bedroom.  
    I wish I could tell you it will work. I can’t.  

  19. 59

    I tried wife swapping, being a “bull”, cuckolding and 30 years in a Polyfidelity relationship with my wife and her best friend. I am conflicted about this whole subject of sharing wives. While many cuckolds will say that it takes greater love to give your wife the freedom of more pleasure, I feel that much of that is not love they are feeling, but rather sexual excitement. They setup rules and require their wives to have sex with other men in a way that feeds their fantasy.

    Those who engage in my type of behavior seem to think it requires greater love and is better than a traditional marriage. However, I have seen wife sharing end almost every marriage where it was practiced more than once or twice a year. Those who did it steadily usually ended up with the wife falling in love with one of her sex partners and divorcing he husband. For some reason men seem to think that having rules and trust can change our biology. Most do not even know about the hormonal effects of Serotonin and Oxytocin as a result of sex. These two combine to emotionally bond a couple together and are also the reason why spouses should have more sex.

    People talk about sexual fidelity not being needed in a loving marriage. However, the main purpose of marriage IS sexual fidelity. Why bother getting married if not for the joint commitment of sexual fidelity? You can be all those other things without getting married.

    Jealousy gets a bad rap. It is still with us because it has proven to be useful throughout evolution. Although to a lesser extent these days, it ensures that the male does not waste his time and resources on a child that does not carry his genes. It is all about passing on your genes, not some other man’s. If you watch some popular TV shows you will note that raising someone else’s child is still going on. I thought I read somewhere that it is estimated that about 10% of children are not fathered by the Husband who thinks he is their father. So it serves a purpose.

    Women are more prone biologically to fall in love with a sex partner than men are due to the longer lasting effects of the hormones mentioned above. I have seen it happen over and over again despite just wanting sex with no emotional attachments. You cannot stop nature from doing its thing at times. Sex has brought down many a powerful man with a lot to lose. Our sexual chemistry is that powerful.

    My gf is married to a many who shared his wife. Despite all their rules, she kept seeing one of them when she was not supposed to see anyone more than once. The trust was broken but the husband did not know that because she was fulfilling his sexual fantasy. Many men call wife sharing love instead of what it really is, a fetish. She ended up leaving him for her lover and he ended up reply to an ad by my gf for a man who was willing to share her.

    If you want to talk about real love, this guy had it. She had no rules to follow. She was with me for another 25 years after her marriage and could and did spend weeks at a time with me. I met the guy a few times and he was very submissive although he thought otherwise. Most of the cucks I knew were submissive but would think otherwise. Very often their wives fell in love with me and offered to divorce their husbands if I would take them in. However, what they told their husbands was a very different story. I learned early on that I could have all the fun benefits that husband enjoyed but without having to financially support her and do all the boring stuff that is part of every marriage. So I switched from being a cuckold to a bull and life was better.

    My relationship with two women worked well because the other woman was a lifelong friend of both me and my wife. My wife is bi and she loved her gf so us sharing her worked. She was the lover to both of us. There was no believing that one spouse was more deserving of greater sexual pleasure than the other as found in a typical cuckold relationship. We both wanted the same women and only had sex with each other, not anyone outside of our relationship, except for the cuck.

    Despite my lifestyle choices, I still feel that a relationship is not a relationship without sexual fidelity. It is a friends with benefits arrangement. It is not about owning your wife or treating her as a possession. That is stuff cuckolds say to justify their fetish and not feel ill equipped to sexually satisfy their wives. The 8 cucks I knew were not good in bed according to their wives and the wives were not looking for well endowed men and just sex. They wanted good sex but also to feel desirable and sexy. They wanted what their husband could not give them, not more. Some women do like a lot of sex but so do men.

    I think it can work like it did for me but in our relationship we were like a married threesome. My wife and I did try wife swapping but she hated it as did I. I still get a kick out of men who say that their wives should be free to have other men because they do not own them and yet want their wives to be owned and treated as objects by other men. Most of the cuckolds I knew were only fooling themselves by making up reasons for their abnormal behavior. Abnormal because it is not the norm. Not worse or better, just not the norm. Yet many want you to believe that a man who cannot sexually satisfy his wife and let other men do very intimate things which is basically the act of impregnating a woman, are somehow more loving and real men. Get real. I know why I do what I do and do not try to pretend it is more than what it is, a fetish.

  20. 60
    Fun times

    My wife of 10 years has a boyfriend who she fucks in front of me on a regular basis. I watch and have joined in. I like watching more but when I join in I prefer to take turns so she can concentrate on one penis. It’s not that enjoyable to try and get a blowjob while she’s gasping and her eyes are rolling into the back of her head. I prefer to just go after he’s gone. I consider it a highly erotic foreplay. So far I have noticed no Negativity in the relationship. I think this is because I am supportive and encouraging. We were all really nervous the first time. Mostly worried about how we would feel after and how the other person would be dealing with this. I like it and she definitely likes it so we’ve continued doing it. It’s very hard to find a good person who wants to stick around. Were not into racking up the numbers of guys she’s with but we would like to up the number of times she’s with another guy. We been pretty lucky so far our first guy was great and hung around for a while. Our current guy has been with us for about three months now. Most internet guys are lame and it took us a while to find our current guy. Most guys are either clueless,douche bags without a clue, old out of shape perverts or just straight computer nerds that waste your time to jerk off on the keyboard. she wants a young hot pervert who wants to do her over and over again. Me 10 years ago would call myself a fool for doing this. However I couldn’t be happier with the situation it’s a great turn on just seems like fun. Life is only what you make of it and we’re just trying to make it fun. Seems to be working for us.

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