How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?

How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?
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Hi Evan! I have been seeing this fantastic guy for the last couple months. I’ll cut to the chase and say that we get along very well, I enjoy every minute I spend with him, and he treats me with nothing but kindness and respect. He calls me his girlfriend, and we’re very happy together. We have sizzling chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality.

The only issue I see is kind of a big one for me. Although we have great passion and tons of fun in the bedroom, I have some fantasies that he is not quite into. I would not say I am looking for Fifty Shades of Grey to come to life before me, but I am very interested in him being more dominant. I would like to experience the whole “tie me up and blind fold me” sort of thing. I want to feel powerless with him, but only because I trust him with that power. I just want this occasionally, however, as I very much enjoy our current sex life as well.

He, however, has told me that he does not feel comfortable with exerting his will over me, and that he feels we would have to get to know each other MUCH better before he would be comfortable exploring this. He has also said that the more I bring it up to him (I admittedly do this frequently), the more he feels pressured and the less he wants to do it. I guess I’m looking for a way that we can compromise? I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.

Thanks for any insight you can provide!
Holly

Dear Holly,

Congratulations. You have a boyfriend. You have chemistry. You’re treated with kindness and respect. You couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality. Sounds like you hit the jackpot, huh?

Except for this “big” issue: you have some fantasies that he is not quite into.

Sorry, in my world, this is not a big issue at all.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

In fact, I would struggle to conceive of a couple that is so in sync that both parties even share the SAME fantasies.

Similar views on spending money are important.
Similar views on raising children are important.
Similar views on communication are important.
Hell, even similar views on sex are important.

But having the same FANTASIES?

Things that take place in your mind for your pleasure? And he’s supposed to be just like you?

Really?

For all you readers who may be getting upset at my tone with Holly, please, flip your genders around for a second.

Imagine a female reader who complains that her boyfriend of two months is really into anal sex. He watches anal porn. He fantasizes about anal sex. He’s only done it a few times in his life, but it’s a big part of his dream life. He acknowledges that sex is currently great, but he won’t feel satisfied until he’s going in through the out door.

What would you tell her?

I’m guessing that most of you would tell her to either run or forcefully tell the anal-obsessed boyfriend to back the hell off.

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken.

It’s not that anal sex is bad or wrong or even an unusual fantasy, but it’s a very delicate and personal preference. And if he’s EVER going to get her to agree to it, it will happen only when she feels very open, trusting and loving to her boyfriend. This may take a year. It may take marriage. It may never happen. Some girls just don’t like anal.

So what that boyfriend would have to do is consider whether this is a tradeoff he’s willing to make — or not. Is it more important to have a perfect girlfriend who doesn’t do anal? Or is anal sex so important that he’d be willing to throw away a relationship to find it? Is it worth the risk of a more sexually adventurous girlfriend who may not have his current girlfriend’s other great qualities?

By the way, you can substitute ANY quirk for “anal sex” or “S&M”. People who are holding out for a guy with washboard abs or a woman who surfs are no different than these folks. How much do you insist that your partner has the same exact interests as you?

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken. Insist that you get a man over 6’0”, and you’ve eliminated 85% of men. Insist on a man who earns over 200K and you’ve eliminated 95% of men. I don’t know how many men are into being sexually dominant. I just know that it’s another arbitrary (but attractive) thing that you want to insist on. Only you can tell if it’s worth rocking the boat over.

But if you stay with him, you should probably wait a while before pushing the issue again. People don’t want to be sold. They want to choose to buy. If he loves you, if your sex life has gotten routine, if he wants to be the best possible pleaser, it will be in his self-interests to experiment with being more dominant. Allow him to come to these conclusions on his own and he will come to them on his own.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

Ask any woman who’s had a guy pressure her sexually.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Sparkling Emerald

    I agree with EMK on this.  
    I was on the other side of this in my first marriage.   I’m no prude in the bedroom, but my 1st   husband was very demanding, and that killed any love I had for him.   That marriage only lasted a year.
    Nothing should happen in the bedroom unless it’s unanimous.   You might meet a guy who will fulfill all of   your sex fantasies, and be a total jerk outside of the bedroom.
    I am sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way.   I’m no mind reader, maybe he would have disappeared anyway, but putting sexual demands on someone can really destroy any feelings of affection they have for you.
      
    I just realized the irony here, Holly was pushing him to dominate her,something he indicated he was uncomfortable with, so really, who’s doing the dominating in this case ?
    In the BDSM counter culture, isn’t that called topping from the bottom or something like that ?

  2. 22
    marymary

    Holly
    Be careful of staying friends with an ex, especially immediately post break up. It’s time to step away, not continue engaging and hoping at any level you will get back together.   Maybe, after a decent period of recovery (months rather than weeks) you’ll find yourself back in contact on a friendly basis. But I wouldn’t hold out for it or make plans in that direction.
    It was only two months. Anyone can seem wonderful for two months.  I still  love my boyfriend after seven months, but no way is he the perfect person I thought he was at month two!   A key factor in  successful relationships is how well the couple handles disagreements (if there are no disagreements you are either very lucky or someone is being a doormat). This disagreement sank the relationship.  So, it’s not quite  as perfect as you think it was.
    If you think it is salvageable, and you have your self esteem intact and your act together, and you have  a handle on what went wrong and how it can be addressed (yes, it’s a lot of conditions),  wait a few weeks, then see him to talk. One attempt.   If he’s not interested, take your dignity and move on. And if he’s met someone else, forget it.

  3. 23
    Frimmel

    Sparkling Emerald in #21:
      
    “I just realized the irony here, Holly was pushing him to dominate her,something he indicated he was uncomfortable with, so really, who’s doing the dominating in this case ?
    In the BDSM counter culture, isn’t that called topping from the bottom or something like that ?”
      
    I was thinking something similar. Just because you’re the one who’s tied up, it doesn’t mean you’re not in control. And if the tied up is allowed to end it all with a word they haven’t submitted to a thing. “Punish me,” isn’t a request is it?
      
    I forget the actual title but it was the recent film about Jung with Fassbender and Keira Knightly and Jung has Knightly’s character tied up and is whipping her. She’s getting off and he’s sweating and exhausted and can barely hold his arm up from beating her. I’m pretty sure he didn’t ‘win’ that one.
      
    If you think being in charge is some sort of privilege you might think offering to submit is a gift. Thinking being in charge is a burden or responsibility would see expectations of being dominant as onerous, especially in the context of a relationship you feel is a refuge from those burdens borne in a job.

  4. 24
    Selena

    Holly, hon I’m sorry. I know it hurts to let go of someone you cared for. Especially when you believe it’s your own fault.
      
    I’m a “vanilla” chick.   Part of how I figured this out about myself was because I dated some men who weren’t. I’d do something that I thought was “adventurous”   cause  why not?   What I found, was that those guys had a tough time doing “vanilla”. They would try, but it would frustrate them. And me.
      
    Reading your letter to EMK, what stood out to me was your admission of pushing your new guy to what you considered fantasies.   Why the push?
      
    Not everyone is into “vanilla”. And that’s okay…you don’t have to be. But if you are  pushing someone? Consider Eva’s #14 comment above.
      
    No right. No wrong. Our lives are a work in progress.

  5. 25
    Holly

    @ marymary #22
    I actually sent this letter in a while back. We were together for almost 5 months when we broke up. We did not break up because of the issue I wrote in about.
    I’m starting to agree with you that I am not going to be able to be friends with him. It’s just too painful. He’s made it clear that there is no chance to get back together, and he’s ready to start dating again. I just don’t think I could handle watching that.

  6. 26
    Lia

    @ Rose # 20
      
    “Fear of losing someone sounds like fear of abandonment to me.”
      
    Me too!
      
    “”Which is the core problem if a woman has that fear.   So that would be the main thing that needed to be addressed.”
      
    YES!!!
      
    If that is the case, it means someone is abandoning themselves in some way abandoning their own needs.”
      
    Again with the big YES!!!
      
    If we have different needs, one person’s needs are not right or wrong, they are just different, we can still accept them just as they are.   They are just not right for us or each other.
      
    I agree, well said.   For me personally I am looking at the things I think I need and asking myself if those things are needs or wants.   The reason I am interested in doing this introspection is to weed out things that may be stopping me from moving forward and being happy.   
      
    Do I need someone who reads voraciously and wants to discuss the latest book I have read?   I don’t think so.   I used to think I did, but not any more. Do I need a man to have the exact same spiritual beliefs.   Again I use to think so, but not any more.   Do I need a man who shares my core values. Yes.   Do I need a man who treats my with kindness and wants to spend time with me?   Yes, I believe I do.   
      
    Rose, thank you for your post!

  7. 27
    Karmic Equation

    @Holly

    If you harbor secret hopes of getting back together and he’s said in no uncertain terms that’s not going to happen, cut your losses. Use the engergy from your anger and pain to galvanize you into doing something you hadn’t had time to do while you were with him…namely go out and just enjoy the company of other men, treat yourself to a nice long weekend at a spa, go shopping, exercise, take up a new hobby. Just do yourself a favor that whenever you start thinking about him, force yourself to think about and do something else.

    While it’s unfortunate that you lost something you treasured and felt responsible, he’s not the last man on earth (Evan had a newsletter article on this topic.)

    In another newsletter I subscribe to, they had an interesting post about how “The One is NOT found but “made”:

    “…But we found each other, we felt an electric spark, we climbed a few mountains together and dove into a few seas.

    And while she wasn’t my “the one” when we started (and I certainly wasn’t hers) as we get to know each other, have more experiences together and WORK on our relationship…

    Well, now I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else.

    Like I said, “The One” is made, not found.”

    This is the way I’ve always approached relationships. It more empowering because your being with “The One” is not left to blind luck, but rather within your own control. So, I hope that when you go about living life again and you meet your next good guy–and there are TONS of good guys out there–work on the process becoming “the one” for him, and hopefully, he’ll want to work on being “the one” for you, too. Take what you’ve learned in this relationship and apply it to your next one. It’s part of the process of your becoming The One for the next good man in your life.

  8. 28
    Valery North

    @ Sparking Emerald and Frimmel (#21 and #23):
    There’s a huge amount of debate in the BDSM community about the nature of power exchange, and there are probably as many views on it as there are BDSMers (or at least, as there are couples).    In particular, please don’t throw around terms like “topping from the bottom” without really understanding them.     There is even debate in the community over whether it is a term with any practical meaning, or is simply a term used to denigrate people whom others view as “not X enough”.
    I identify as a Dominant, but I switch and play the Submissive role from time to time, so I feel that I can speak with some experience on this.     For a bottom to ask for a particular type of play is most definitely not “topping from the bottom”.     That is called negotiation.     Holly’s requests for bondage and blindfold play may have amounted to undue pressure, or may just have communicated the strength/importance of the desire to her – I wasn’t there and can’t comment on that.     Negotiation of sexual/BDSM play can be conducted well or poorly, but is just negotiation.     The outcome of that negotiation depends on how important it is.     Eva (#14) expressed perfectly what I was going to say about that issue already.

    @ EMK in the OP:
    I think that the analogy of BDSM bottoming with anal sex is fundamentally misleading, unless your hypothetical man who likes anal sex is a man who wants to receive, and his request to the woman is that she should put a strap-on on and do it to him.     There is a fundamental difference between asking for an activity where I retain control (as a top, or as the active, penetrating, party) and asking for an activity where I cede control to another.     As noted above, I play both top and bottom roles (although identifying more with the top).     I know that when I bottom with someone that I am extending trust to them; whereas when I top, I am asking them to trust me.     And, when it comes to BDSM (or, indeed, anal sex) that trust is specifically that the top will not harm the bottom and will bring them back to a sound condition.     A second fundamental difference is in the expected sensation: while receiving anal penetration, done properly (see “trust not to harm”, above), need not be painful, if it’s not something you’ve experimented with (I have, as it happens, albeit only using toys) then there is certainly anticipation of discomfort with no promise of a pleasurable reward (again, I found it did result in pleasure as a reward, but that’s my preference, no one else’s).     If you did try it already and didn’t like it, then there’s knowledge of discomfort!     Similarly, bottoming either with bondage or SM play, for someone who doesn’t know that side of things, involves knowledge only of sensations that are normally classed as unpleasant (again, with the right person and sufficient trust, I find them pleasant but I can’t talk for anyone else).     Topping need not involve any untoward physical sensations (I gather that Holly’s BF was perturbed by the emotional connotations, which is a frequent problem even for people who enjoy BDSM but are new to playing the topping role).
    The point of the analogy – that consent should be enthusiastic, and no one has a right to expect a particular fantasy, fetish or type of play when the other person isn’t happy with it – is perfectly good.     It’s a point that needs making.     But for the purpose of the OP, it seemed like it would be a more powerful analogy if like was compared with like.

  9. 29
    Sparkling Emerald

    Valery North   28
      
       Thanks for the anal sex 101 lesson.   I think point EMK was trying to make, that if we flipped the genders, and it was a guy pushing for anal from his GF, then most of us women would be saying to lose that dude etc.  
       No matter YOUR opinion on Anal, NO means NO.   A loving partnership shouldn’t involve someone pushing unwanted sexual preferences onto the other.   As long as the couple have a reasonable amount of frequency, and pleasure in the bedroom, it’s not the end of the world if each person doesn’t get EVERY SINGLE item on their sexual smorgasbord served to them.  
       It’s pretty hard to find someone with whom you are attracted to, compatible with, and committed to.   To add to that mix, “MUST be willing to serve my EVERY sexual fantasy” is a one way ticket to loneliness.
       I am single again after a long marriage.   I hope to be in another long term relationship.   Of course I want love making to be part of it, but I don’t want that to be the whole focus of our relationship.   If he is kind, thoughtful, committed, faithful and adores me, a generic sex life would be just fine with me.   Sex is pretty fun and exciting even when it’s not all spiced up. If I find my next love, if he adores me and treats me right, and doesn’t put undue PRESSURE on me in the bedroom, I won’t put undue pressure on him in the bedroom.  
       One thing the sexual revolution gave us, is a bunch of   entitled, sexual spoiled brats.

    1. 29.1
      anne

      Valery North made a logically valid point by highlighting the flaw in the author’s analogy between wanting a boyfriend to act dominant vs a man demanding anal sex from a woman. It’s really not the same issue. Just to clarify again, since the point did not seem to get across, the difference is that a man has to perform anal sex on a woman and if she is not into it, the woman is on the receiving end of a potentially painful sex act that she didn’t strongly desire in the first place. Asking a man to be sexually dominant differs in that the woman is the one asking for the sexual acts to be performed on her – she wants them. As Valery said, an appropriate analogy would be where a man wants his lover to use a strap on to penetrate him anally. If the woman wasn’t into using a strap-on on her boyfriend… well, then, he’d be in the same situation as Holly.

      Also, the author’s response to Holly was almost glib. If a person has strong sexually submissive inclinations, then a sexual partner that’s incapable of (or uninterested in) assuming a sexually dominant role will ultimately result in feelings of sexual dissatisfaction for the sub. Obviously sex is an important part of a couple’s life together and if one person is not sexually fulfilled by the other it will impact the relationship. Even if the man is otherwise a perfect boyfriend. This is not a choice or a matter of being spoiled about indulging in an optional sexual fantasy. If you’re submissive and need to be dominated sexually, it’s very unfortunate when a man cannot or will not do that. It’s especially unfortunate when two people are compatible in most other ways and have the potential for forming a great connection based on all the other parameters important to a relationship. Unsatisfied sexual desires are deeply frustrating, but sex is still just one aspect of a relationship and it’s not at all clear that the right thing to do is to walk away from a new relationship just because the sexual dimension of it isn’t especially fulfilling.

      That said, this is assuming Holly is innately, strongly sexually submissive. If she just wants to play around with new fantasies but doesn’t have strong sub/dom impulses, well then, it may be good advice to drop it until they get to know each other better (since she’s otherwise enjoying the sex).

  10. 30
    Lia

    @ Sparkling Emerald # 29
      
    Well said!!!   
      
    As long as the couple has a reasonable amount of frequency and pleasure in the bedroom, it is not the end of the world if each person does not get EVERY SINGLE item on their sexual smorgasbord served to them.
      
    I agree!!
      
    One thing the sexual revolution gave us, is a bunch of entitled, sexual spoiled brats.”
      
    I don’t know how true that is but I thought that it was a great line!

  11. 32
    Ruby

    Is anybody really longing for the days when all a woman was told about sex was, “lie back and think of England”, or “Relax and enjoy it”, or when women had little access to birth control? And heaven forbid that woman should want sex a certain way! Or a certain amount!
      
    As the OP says, “We did not break up because of the issue I wrote in about.”

  12. 33
    Sparkling Emerald

    Ruby 32 – No of course not, but there’s a happy medium between having to lay there like a dead fish, and expecting you partner to cater to your every sexual whim. I also do not think men should expect this either.

  13. 34
    Rose

    Holly says.
    “We did not break up because of the issue I wrote in about.”

    I feel curious what do you think the reason was why you broke up?

    “I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.”

    This is a good thing that you have discovered about what you want for yourself in a relationship.To be open to open to exploring your sexual fantasies and to like to live some of them out. If that is something you want in a relationship there is nothing wrong with that. The bit that feels concerning to me to the point of like hearing an alarm bell going off is that you say with him after such a short time and not really knowing each other that well.

    Like he said he wanted to get to know you better first before he would feel comfortable doing that.

  14. 35
    Jennifer

    If you are in a traditional relationship with your partner and they aren’t expected to cater to you sexually, who is?  
    That’s why it’s so important to have partners on the same page about sex, whether it’s generic, super adventurous, or something in between.  
    I don’t think there is anything selfish about wanting your sexual needs met by the one person you’ve promised to be sexually committed to.
    In Holly’s case it may have been too early, as he didn’t say no but said he may be interested after he’s more comfortable. But that isn’t why they broke up. Iftheir relationship had continued and he didn’t want to do anything in the neighborhood of what she wanted, I think it would’ve been wise for both of them to reevaluate the relationship at that point.

  15. 36
    Jennifer

    And if it’s the bdsm issue that’s hard to get past, imagine we are talking about something that is currently mainstream but wasn’t always, like oral.  

  16. 37
    Judy

    I think it is a Y fork in what you want
    The conservative guy who respects you who wants to marry you and whose belief system is family and marriage
    or
    A wild sexual relationship.
    I think you can find a great guy who will marry you, respect you and have very good sex. But if you have deviant preferences (deviant meaning mainstream AND to the guy you are with) then you have to choose.
    I would liken this to a guy who has a fetish – he loves the fetish and has to have that and it is about that and not who he is with and what they BOTH want to do.
    Maybe it is timing and you want to have fun?

  17. 39
    woodsy

    The best thing to do is to marry / have a relationship with a guy that you really like to bang..the kind of a guy you had your fun and flings with.
      
    These kind of problems arise when women marry and have flings with different types of men.

  18. 40
    LD

    Wow. Really? If she wants to get a little kinky, how is close to demanding her boyfriend have the exact same interests as her? It’s sex. Everyone should strive to be GGG (good, giving, and game – within reason.) If she wants her hair pulled or her ass smacked from time to time, shouldn’t this guy be willing to try? That’s not a ridiculous demand.

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