How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?

How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?
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Hi Evan! I have been seeing this fantastic guy for the last couple months. I’ll cut to the chase and say that we get along very well, I enjoy every minute I spend with him, and he treats me with nothing but kindness and respect. He calls me his girlfriend, and we’re very happy together. We have sizzling chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality.

The only issue I see is kind of a big one for me. Although we have great passion and tons of fun in the bedroom, I have some fantasies that he is not quite into. I would not say I am looking for Fifty Shades of Grey to come to life before me, but I am very interested in him being more dominant. I would like to experience the whole “tie me up and blind fold me” sort of thing. I want to feel powerless with him, but only because I trust him with that power. I just want this occasionally, however, as I very much enjoy our current sex life as well.

He, however, has told me that he does not feel comfortable with exerting his will over me, and that he feels we would have to get to know each other MUCH better before he would be comfortable exploring this. He has also said that the more I bring it up to him (I admittedly do this frequently), the more he feels pressured and the less he wants to do it. I guess I’m looking for a way that we can compromise? I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.

Thanks for any insight you can provide!
Holly

Dear Holly,

Congratulations. You have a boyfriend. You have chemistry. You’re treated with kindness and respect. You couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality. Sounds like you hit the jackpot, huh?

Except for this “big” issue: you have some fantasies that he is not quite into.

Sorry, in my world, this is not a big issue at all.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

In fact, I would struggle to conceive of a couple that is so in sync that both parties even share the SAME fantasies.

Similar views on spending money are important.
Similar views on raising children are important.
Similar views on communication are important.
Hell, even similar views on sex are important.

But having the same FANTASIES?

Things that take place in your mind for your pleasure? And he’s supposed to be just like you?

Really?

For all you readers who may be getting upset at my tone with Holly, please, flip your genders around for a second.

Imagine a female reader who complains that her boyfriend of two months is really into anal sex. He watches anal porn. He fantasizes about anal sex. He’s only done it a few times in his life, but it’s a big part of his dream life. He acknowledges that sex is currently great, but he won’t feel satisfied until he’s going in through the out door.

What would you tell her?

I’m guessing that most of you would tell her to either run or forcefully tell the anal-obsessed boyfriend to back the hell off.

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken.

It’s not that anal sex is bad or wrong or even an unusual fantasy, but it’s a very delicate and personal preference. And if he’s EVER going to get her to agree to it, it will happen only when she feels very open, trusting and loving to her boyfriend. This may take a year. It may take marriage. It may never happen. Some girls just don’t like anal.

So what that boyfriend would have to do is consider whether this is a tradeoff he’s willing to make — or not. Is it more important to have a perfect girlfriend who doesn’t do anal? Or is anal sex so important that he’d be willing to throw away a relationship to find it? Is it worth the risk of a more sexually adventurous girlfriend who may not have his current girlfriend’s other great qualities?

By the way, you can substitute ANY quirk for “anal sex” or “S&M”. People who are holding out for a guy with washboard abs or a woman who surfs are no different than these folks. How much do you insist that your partner has the same exact interests as you?

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken. Insist that you get a man over 6’0”, and you’ve eliminated 85% of men. Insist on a man who earns over 200K and you’ve eliminated 95% of men. I don’t know how many men are into being sexually dominant. I just know that it’s another arbitrary (but attractive) thing that you want to insist on. Only you can tell if it’s worth rocking the boat over.

But if you stay with him, you should probably wait a while before pushing the issue again. People don’t want to be sold. They want to choose to buy. If he loves you, if your sex life has gotten routine, if he wants to be the best possible pleaser, it will be in his self-interests to experiment with being more dominant. Allow him to come to these conclusions on his own and he will come to them on his own.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

Ask any woman who’s had a guy pressure her sexually.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Nissa

    Ok, this post has one of the best lines ever, ha! In through the out door – am I the only one whose first thought was, “raspberry beret….I think I love her” from the Prince song? Followed shortly by, “wow, I am probably the last person on the planet to get that joke from the song! *giggles*

  2. 42
    william wendel

    Whatever god you serve (whether a sexual addiction or fantasy) it will become your uppermost “HIGH” that you will seek after….Like men who seek out other women for LUSTFUL Pleasures since they are not being fulfilled at home by their wives, or they’re bored by their girlfriends, they will always overlook the important qualities/aspects of their BF, wife, or present girlfriend just for the sheer joy of the pursuing another woman. Incidentally, it seems like they’re totally experimental and their relationship that has all those wonderful qualities has become too boring and routine for them. Sexual games, preferences should not become the foundation for a true relationship unless like the alcoholic, the high is no longer high enough, and they need more of the LOVE DRUG to get higher and higher.

  3. 43
    Lisa

    I think the answer is how important is this to you and is his responsive indicative of an overall personality trait that you don’t like which I think both you and Evan miss or just bondage and here’s what I mean.   I’m the type of girl that will try anything in bed.   And if there’s something that my man really likes even if I don’t unless it’s unbearably painful or illegal I’m game or at minimum up for a compromise.   I want a man who feels this same way in the bedroom and in the relationship.   I cannot deal with men that are boring in bed.   See it’s not that he does not like this one act he’s not even open to trying it for you and to me that’s a deal breaker.   It also shows a personality trait that if we looked closer likely carries over into other areas of his life.   I think people often disminish the importance of sexual satisfaction in a relationship.    I think it’s very important and a large reason why people cheat.   But what’s bothering me more is his unwillingness to even try it.   So if he at least tried it and hated it then I would be okay with that.   She would then have to decide if that was something she could compromise on.   But him not willing to try?   That’s not okay in my book.    I give the same advice to my female friends try anal if you don’t like it okay that’s fair.   And while men may be slightly less likely to find a woman that likes anal I think that this lady will be able to find a good man that will allow her to express her sexuality fully.   See and that is a comcern here.   This man may suppress her sexuality and that will never be good for this relationship.

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