I Am in Love With My Boyfriend, But I Still Want to Get More Sexual Experience Before I Am Married

This is a question that is a response to ‘My Girlfriend Wants to Get More Sexual “Experience” Before Getting Engaged. What Should I Do?’ My question is coming from the standpoint as the girlfriend. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 28. We have been together for 8 months and he has told me over and over how much he loves me and knows I am the one for him. I feel very much the same about him. We get along great and love each other very much. Recently, he decided to tell me how many people he had sex with before me. I did not ask the question, as I think it’s best not to know. It’s none of my business and I didn’t want to risk getting hurt. This is because I had only been with one person before him (he knew this) and I knew he had been with at least 2 times more people than I. Well, he has been with 15 women. I do not think 15 is an outrageous number by any means. However, this number made me very jealous. Not that he has been with other women before me, because there is a reason they are in his past. But that I realized I have not been able to get out there and live and experience different sexual partners. I have already told him how I feel about this. We have a very honest relationship and I cannot let a problem fester inside me because then it will just blow up at a bad time.

What if it was you who had slept with 15 guys and your boyfriend didn’t have any sexual experience?

 

We talked about different solutions. One was taking a break. This would work in the sense that I would not be cheating, but I don’t want to break up! Also, I would die at the thought of him sleeping with other women, so I don’t want to do that to him. I also fear he wouldn’t take me back, and I wouldn’t blame him. Oh man! Second was being in an open relationship. Well that just does not work for me, I don’t roll that way. Third, was getting in a time machine and going back to when I was 20 and single and getting my fill of experience before meeting him. I need a DeLorean ASAP! So, obviously the third one will not work. I feel that since we are only 8 months into the relationship it’s best to decide what to do now, than wait however many years (if we even stay together that long) and risk even bigger heartbreak. Let me tell you though, this thought of needing more experience would never lead to me cheating on him. I do not cheat. I am very confused by my thoughts. I really want to be with him yet I want the experience. I cannot explain why I have these feelings. Any advice would be great! Thanks! P.S. Sorry this is so long!

 

Brenda

 

You know what you sound like, Brenda? A guy. Which isn’t a bad thing.

Jealousy is normal. Envy is normal. Insecurity is normal. Confusion is normal.

Your dilemma is what to do with all of these conflicting emotions.

You outlined all of your options clearly – take a break, have an open relationship, or break up (I’m not counting the time machine thing, although I agree it’s your best bet.)

And yet none of these options are appealing to you, because they mean driving a stake through an otherwise perfect relationship.

So let’s flip things over for a sec. What if it was you who had slept with 15 guys and your boyfriend didn’t have any sexual experience? What would you advise him?

Suddenly, the decision’s a lot easier, isn’t it?

“You don’t break up with me to fool around with some other women, you idiot!”

The more I read and the more I coach, the more convinced I am that the main thing keeping us unhappy is our expectations about how things “should” be.

If I spent my time worrying that I don’t have my own Dr. Phil-sized TV show, I’d be really unhappy.

…both of us wish we could have a piece of what the other guy’s got…without giving up what we’ve already got.

If I spent my time envying the Hugh Hefners of the world, I’d be really unhappy.

If I spent my time wishing that I were leading someone else’s life, I’d be really unhappy.

And yes, sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to be married to a 29-year-old woman instead of a 40-year-old woman. And what it would be like to get syndication fees for reaching millions of women instead of thousands of them. The grass is always going to be greener. But that doesn’t mean that your grass isn’t pretty darn green.

I’m reminded of a friend who met a woman when he was in his early 30’s. Three years into the relationship, he wasn’t positive he was ready for marriage, but he had no real compelling reason to break up with the woman he loved, who was in her mid-30’s. They got married and, now, at age 38, he has two healthy gorgeous kids.

Do you know how envious I am? I might not be able to even have 1 biological child.

By the same token, my buddy would always beg me to tell him my crazy online dating stories. In fact, this reminds me of an old Lavalife ad campaign that said: “Lavalife: Make Your Married Friends Jealous.” So true. No matter what decision you make, there are always tradeoffs.

I got to mess around with a lot of women before finding my incredible wife. My friend found his incredible wife at a younger age and missed out on sowing his oats. Who’s to say which is better – except that both of us wish we could have a piece of what the other guy’s got…without giving up what we’ve already got.

Alas, Brenda, that’s not how life works. You’ve already acknowledged that to get your sexual experience, you would have to damage the relationship severely. You can’t just manage to sleep with 10 guys and run back to your devoted boyfriend and say, “I’m done now! Let’s get married!”

So I want to encourage you to look at what you DO have, instead of what you DON’T have. If you’ve been reading this blog, you are aware that there are many women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s who seem to have trouble believing that there are any good men out there who will tell you they love you and declare that you’re the one.

If you’re 24 and you think you’ve found Mr. Right, I’d say to hold on to him. If, in fact, he doesn’t prove to be Mr. Right, you can always get some more sexual experience.

And if he does turn out to be “The One”, congratulations, you found the most important thing that life has to offer. Well done.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    judy

    Kurt 31 – yes, I agree with you.
    Actually, I think the question is rather sad.  Yes, she can get “sexual experience” with as many men as she wants.
    But I was thinking – wouldn’t it be more fun and more enriching and more loving to get the sexual experience from the man she loves?
    Just musing aloud here.

  2. 42
    bobby

    First, most on here seem to agree that it would be ok if she got a time machaine and went back to the past and has sex with a few more guys then still ended up with her boyfriend it would be all good. SOO…why should this feel different than if she did a few guys right now all while her boyfriend knew she was doing it. At the end of the day it would still mean that she slept more people. If it was purely for sex her boyfriend should still feel the same for her regardless of the point in history this sex takes place. Some of you need to ask yourself why you would be OK with her leaving her bf in the middle of a relationship to go back in time to have more sex (even if she had to stay back at that time and grow to meet her bf all over again with more sexual experience). In my opinion, love and time is much more inportant than sex, and maybe just sex with another man shouldnt be hard emotionally on anyone in a more perfect world. (I know it doesnt count for anything but the Khajuraho hindu lived like this in the past)

  3. 43
    red

    let me tell you straight brenda,  the idea of having multiple sexual experience will make you look slut or someone who’s excited to get more d*cks than the usual women.  I think its better to stick with your partner and don’t try to spoil or risk your relationship just because you haven’t experienced it.  Experience is always good but knowing what is to be considered significant tells the difference. “But that I realized I have not been able to get out there and live and experience different sexual partners”  If i was your bf I’m sure I’ll break up with you right away  
     

  4. 44
    gemma

    I have a dilemma sort of similar but possibly worse to this question. I’m 17 years old, my boyfriends 19. I was 14 turning 15 when we got together and he just turned 17. He’s my first boyfriend, first sexual partner everything. At 15 I ggot pregnant (I know very young and it sounds like the worse thing ever but we have a beautiful little girl together) He has had sex with tw other girls I know that’s not a lot but he’ my one and only. He’s also had a number of girlfriends. I know one of the girls he had sex with too and dislike her. I’m jealous that I didn’t get to experience any of this ( I was 14 when we got together so I wasn’t even thinking about any of this) I feel that now I’ll never get to experience this as I do really love him and would love to spend the rest of our lifes together. I don’t want t tear apart our family either. He’s an amazing dad and really loves us both. I know if we did break up we’d still really care about eachother. I can’t even imagine having sex with someone else but don’t want to limit myself either. I’d like a break at some point maybe but thinking of him sleeping with other girls may really upset me and it would upset him too. Sure it’s made me really upset that he has had sex with 2 girls before me even though we didn’t know eachother then and he only had sex with them one time each. I’m confused and would really appreciate advice. Thank you!

    1. 44.1
      Mary

      I understand where you are coming from 100% and it sucks to be in this position.

  5. 45
    Andy

    This is a very interesting subject. I am 42, married since 6 years and we’ve got two great kids.
    I love my wife who is 7 years my junior, and we have a good bedroom relationship as well. 

    I’d like to have sexual experiences with many more women. Women from different cities, different colours and backgrounds. Well, it’s not only about sex but also about variation and excitement and experimentation.

    Before I met my wife I had 7 experiences. Is it worth it or even natural to be with only one woman for the rest of your life? Will a side step bring you a reward? I don’t know. 

    Before I met my wife I was looking for the right one. When I found her, I decided not to make side steps. Reason: I am happier with her than without her. Sure, I want to sleep around and even have plenty of opportunities, but am convinced it would destroy our marriage.

    Looks everything has its price now, doesn’t it?
     

  6. 46
    Ricardio

    If anyone wants to know the ACTUAL and simple truth, read on (But don’t come to me crying if you don’t like it).

    HONEYMOON period.  It is EXTREMELY GOOD and COMPLETELY different with each new person. That is why you should do it with more people. It is 100 times better than anything your primary can do. And it is inhumane and no words to describe how selfish to expect someone to only have it with you (in the past) from now on in our extremely short lives.

    Regardless how you solve this problem, with open relationship or threesomes or splitting up THERE IS NO OTHER WAY THAN TO SLEEP AROUND, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BURY YOURSELF ALIVE.
     
    Your only way to define you are alive is through a new and desirable person’s eyes. When you do not feel this, you are not alive. If you say otherwise you are lying to yourself.

  7. 47
    Mike

    Honestly getting sexual experince is usually ur lover(boyfriend) and U can count as how many guys U slept, which is ur lover.

    Why go sleep with other guys to gain? Or just want see different dicks? Go look at porn to gain experince or see some dicks.

    Important in life is having best man in life, and hope it forever. Nowadays it’s hard to find relationship due bad experince in life. As people go for casual dating nowadays. U can check POF, very sad.

  8. 48
    derrick

    Wow i read this and its totally what my gf is doin, im 27 shes 21, and we break up all the time, now i see why, im not the one who leaves her though

  9. 49
    David

    Jealousy happens when one party feels they are being treated unfairly and the other party has made no attempts to empathise or recognise the issue.

    Basically, jealousy is not a root, it is a fruit, a result of something else happening. She isn’t a jealous person by nature, otherwise anything would cause jealousy. In this sense it is something worth being jealous about, because it conveys to her that her youth is being traded and she isn’t getting something in return as fairly.

    Relationships are not governed by any one individual benefiting more than the other, and emotions are reactions towards subconscious perceptions about realities and their implications. Because emotions are logical mental heuristics, without proper scrutiny, the solution would not be found.

    You can not will away emotions, you can do things about them.

    Jealousy stems from unfairness, the unfairness is even quantifiable if not qualifiable. In this case, it is pretty clear, he slept with many women, and gave a large portion of himself away spread amongst them, instead of lets say using the time/resources to improve on himself, his circumstances, or saving them up to share with her.

    15, can you immagine how much resources that is? Unless she exclusively chased his arse down competing against all the other women, otherwise, she’d feel him to have betrayed her expectations.

    It’s like she is giving her best, but feels that he has given his away somewhere else.

    The solution to jealousy is to discuss what is fair to both herself and to himself. It doesn’t necessarily always involve being paid back in equal measure the sexual favours he doled out elsewhere that she gets to squander what she can give to him (if he accepts this, he is an idiot, and if she does so, he can easily bail on them and the whole relationship actually goes to ruins anyway).

    Basically, she wants to know… did he get something in return for sleeping all around? Is it worth more than if he did not sleep around? Would he share what he gained with her? Would he give his best or should she start witholding her best?

    (the latter is not a solution).

    The actions to fulfil that solution is to get him to do something for her that she would agree is fair, and he would be willing to do.

    It has to be constructive, not destructive.

    And she is NOT at fault for feeling this way, afterall, she did no wrong. And as for him? Morally, you should know.

    So examples of constructive actions that fulfil the solution:

    1. She gets to ask him for special favours like doing something really romantic. It may take quite a few of these before she would stop feeling jealous. Whatever he does must be spontaneous, the first time he ever done it for a girl, and only she gets to experience it.

    2. He does special things for her that he would never do for any other girl, never to repeat, only for her, that he would otherwise not do if he hasn’t slept with other women. (To go beyond 100%). Maybe having to last longer, work harder, be more attentive in bed, and always DTF as and when and how she wants it (for a number of times that he is agreeable to do. And of course, it may have to be an inconvenience.. albeit one that he wouldn’t mind too much if not too often).

    Those are just some suggestions that I feel would be reasonable… but may not be agreeable to her.

    In the end, I do believe that promiscuous men should go with promiscuous women and hopefully have their shit sorted out by the time they settle down, and that relatively reserved men and women should go together too.

    So my own solution if I were her would be – break up, jealousy is unfair to both of them, and she deserves better anyway.

    1. 49.1
      Mary

      You are completely right.

  10. 50
    Suzannehermosa@yahoo.com

    Girl you don’t love ur man move on , i f u love someone you want know one else. Fact or ur just a whore.

  11. 51
    Casanova.

    Hello,

     

    well im writing here because my view of prospective is totally diffrient. Maybe im too young, maybe i had really hard childhood, maybe i should be a man, but well im a girl. Maybe a woman, i would say a lady;) it is really not so important i had a really good relationship, i can not complaine or anything, to be totally honest i still love him, i wish for him all the best but however i can not imagine to be back together. To be fair i can not imagine to be with anyone right now and it is not because i think all the men are pigs and they are awful and so on and so on… In fact i know some really awesome guys, single, taken and i really like to hang up with them, i really like to hang up with girls too. Again..to be totally honest i like guys and girls. I dont want to sleep with all of them and with everybody i see on the street or talk a bit, but with many of them i wouldnt mind.

    The problem i see here (or maybe is just another prospective or maybe i have really some issuse;)) is that i think relationships are overrated. I dont see any need to have only one person to love. I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my frined. I loved and i still love my dog. So why to love only one guy? Or one women? Okey, to start a family.. yes, there it has to be a woman and a man, they have to have sex… I dont want to put on a child any traums so for good of a child is neccessery to have a father and a mother (in the past i believe that was diffrient too right?) However if i dont want to have family and people who are in relationships or not dont want to have children as well (or not yet) or even they are not sure if they want to stay with that person till the end of they days, why is so important to be only with one person? Please dont judge me, i would never cheated, i was cheated, the guy was lying to me that i was the only one for him… well a long story, but honestly i wasnt sad or disapointed because he cheated me, i was shocked and sad and all that depressed feelings beecause he lied to me.

    The last thing on my mind, what is the thing with jealusy? And with trusting each other? People are together for years and they dont trust each other? Or they can not speak honestly to each other? Im not saying maybe when somebody will totally mess with my head and heart maybe i will think diffrent, but i really think that somewhere at some point we went wrong. Hey, and im not saying now everybody has to sleep with everyone, im just saying let start to be honest to each other and to ourselfs. Wish you all the best and sorry for the typing and vocabularty mistakes.

    1. 51.1
      Maria Krow

      Wow you impress me, you totally think like me!

       

      Basically what you said are the primary rules of polyamorous relationships – where there are more than two – 1) always being honest to yourself and others and being open about your needs and 2) be compassionate and understanding with other people and their other, often different, needs.

       

      And yes, I also think that jealousy usually originates from a totally different source than we’d expect, like low self-esteem and selfishness rather than some noble love feelings. How else should you explain the prohibition of your partner to build other relationships? And the society is helping it a lot, too.

  12. 52
    SameBoat

    As a girl in my early 20’s in a very similar situation (except my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years), I can understand that sleeping with other guys isn’t only to gain more “sexual experience”. For me, I haven’t been with anyone else before my boyfriend, and I’ve just been really curious lately. I love my boyfriend to death, and I am so sure I want to be with him forever.

    It’s totally human to feel curious about sleeping with other people you meet. A few flirty comments here and there with a new acquaintance and  my mind goes right to that. Is it because I shouldn’t be with my boyfriend? Absolutely not. I think it’s because I never got to experience much of that stage of mystery and discomfort when you’re just meeting someone knew and getting to know them a tiny bit before finally sleeping with them. For me it’s all about that. I wouldn’t even care if I slept with these people– I just want that fun beginning stage that I didn’t get much before my boyfriend.

    My advice to Brenda is to figure out if it’s really only about the sex. If it is, open relationships can be really helpful for honest relationships (like the one you seem to have). There is nothing wrong with doing something unconventional– as long as you’re open with your boyfriend about it. Life’s too short to resist urges because it’s not the “right” thing to do… We’re animals for crying out loud. You just don’t want to hurt anyone by lying, so lay everything out on the table all the time. That’s the key.

  13. 53
    Alexandra

    I am an artist, I am surrounded by other artists, and my mind is constatly attracted to their minds.

    I have a boyfriend, who is absolutely lovely and with whom we love each other very much. He’s 7 years older than me, had his fine times touring with a band, and had way more partners than I did.

    I don’t feel envious. But I do feel attracted to other people on daily basis. We both think it’s okay, since this is how humans work, and the fact that you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you stop having eyes or ears, or any other parts of your body that make you attracted to people.

     

    At one point I told him that I’d like to have sex with other people (men, since he knows and accepts that I sleep with other women and joins in sometimes). I was expecting a bad reaction, but he said “some of my most intersting expiriences happened when I had one-night stands, and I don’t think I am the one to take it away from you. Have fun, just be safe.” That was it. It might have to do with him being an artist as well, and knowing that sometimes we drive inspiration through connecting with people on a way more intimate level, trying to get to know them and grasp some more of their uniqness and voice through physical sensations.

    I went out and had sex with other people a couple of times. It felt exciting and educational. The people I did it with were careully picked out, so they were nice, respectful, adventurous and open-mided. We connected on many levels, which I think was wonderful.

    Very soon after I got enough of venturing out and brought a lot of passion and newly-learned things into our again commited relationship. Nothing bad happened.

    I will also like to say that my boyfriend, despite the fact that I told him he was free to do anything he wanted, stayed commited to me, as he knew how jelaous I could get.

    We are better than ever now, but I’m sure if it came to one of us wanting to experiment again, it most likely would go well again. It is all about your trust and knowing not to mix sex and feelings. It might have to do with both of us being artistic, however I love to belive that this can work for other people too.

    Good luck out there, Brenda. Life has a lot to offer, and a lot of it will confuse you and possibly chalenge your morale. Don’t let your fears and confusion deprive you from all the wonderful things out there.

    1. 53.1
      Maria Krow

      This sounds so amazing, and the fact that you and your partner have managed to stay so open and honest shows that you really respect and love each other, I’d say your relationship is more healthy than that of many married people and a perfect example that sex doesn’t equal love and trust and good relationship.

  14. 54
    joe

    If you have only had one sexual partner then definitely get out there and meet new people and have to experiences. If you don’t you will regret it later on in life. Maybe even try anal.

  15. 55
    Freya

    I know a few people in this sort of situation and they are all women! Sick of the stereotypes that men all want to sleep around and women are desperate to be married and/or don’t have as much of a sexual drive, when at least half of the people I know are the opposite to this stereotype. Gives all men the stereotype of being cheating sex obsessed dogs and gives women the stereotype of being relationship obsessed. So annoying and inaccurate.

  16. 56
    Mary

    Brenda,

    I have only been with my husband and I totally regret not having sex with other people like my husband did. I am now 39 and I wish I would have been with others more than anything else.  I also met my husband and got engaged when I was about your age so I completely understand where you are coming from.  I would advise you to go out and be with other people so you don’t end up married and regretting not having gotten more sexual experience.

  17. 57
    Mary

    Dot LeSage,

    If it works out who’s to say she will be glad she stuck it out?  It sounds like if things work out that she will just spend her time wondering what could have been and regretting what she missed out on.

  18. 58
    AdamDickens

    just do not need to get married until you can not tell your feelings! This will be a big mistake, because then there will be children who have mom and dad, and you whole family life will not be fun, because of the lack of someone you really love.

    My parents divorced when I still went to the garden, and I always wanted a normal family, and now this is a dream.

    I always thought that if love is truthful, it would be no “it seems”.

  19. 59
    Mike Brooks

    Great advice follow it, I wish my partner of 15 years and 7 year old son and a perfectly happy relationship had read this before she cheated and ruined everything. Life’s now VERY different and nowhere near what it was 🙁

  20. 60
    Truth

    I’m not surprised that men are the only ones to say it’s ok.

    With all of your suggestions, if we are talking about one of your girlfriends then this conversation will take a dramatic change.

    women who replied , they know what’s it look like for a woman & they know better.

    Sexual experiences doesn’t add something to your life, if you look value what you’re through sex then you’re a failure. Even by percentage sex has a very narrow corner in our lives, why it matters so much then ?

    it is because of our environment that we grew up in. Happiness is coming from you & spreads through you. If you find a meaning in your life that can be fulfilled with your partner, then you will always be a live & happy with the greatest  sex life that you can have.

    set with yourself & find the truth wether you continue your relationship or not. Most important is what you feel as much as it doesn’t valuate the rights of your partner. He deserves his principles to be met also. Don’t do choose anything that can effect his life later In a bad way. Most important don’t let him feel that his life gone for nothing because of hidden things inside your head & this will fire back on you one day with someone else. If you reach this level of maturity, responsibility & insight you can decide what’s better for you & him.

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