I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I waited until I was officially his girlfriend (2 months) before we had sex. It’s been amazing, but this New Year I want to get closer to God and stop having sex until we get married. It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me, and when I talk to him about it he tries to ignore the subject.He agreed to not have sex, but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it. Should this be a big concern? Or am I taking it too far since we’ve already been sexual for the past 10 months?

Thanks! Yasmin

Dear Yasmin, I’m sorry, sweetie, but you really wrote to the wrong guy. I’m pro-sex, pro-logic, and pro-consistency, and your letter fails all three tests. I can understand a woman who sleeps with a man too quickly, like, date 1 or 2 – pulling back to say, “Hey, we should get to know each other a little better first before we embark on a sexual relationship.” The guy may grumble a bit at moving “backwards,” but, if he likes her, he’ll be pleased to wait a few weeks until she trusts him enough to resume the physical part of their relationship. You, on the other hand, were patient enough to wait two months to sleep with your guy. Good for you, really! – for showing restraint and seeing what he was made of as a man. As a result of your patience, you’ve been rewarded with an amazing boyfriend, and, not incidentally, 10 months of good sex.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.

Then, suddenly, you had a New Years Revelation (stronger than resolutions, I hear), which told you that in order to “get closer to God,” you should stop having sex. Got it. Now, forgive my ignorance of religion, but I’ve got a handful of questions: What does “closer to God” mean? What happens to all the unfortunate God-fearing women who have been having pre-marital sex without changing their minds? Are they screwed? Are they all going to hell? Or will they just not be as “close” with God as you are? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.Oh, there’s one more thing that begs a question: what about your boyfriend’s feelings? It would be like you driving your parents’ car for a year when you were 16, and then, when you turned 17, hearing from Dad that you were losing your driving privileges. Why? Because Dad read a statistic that girls under 18 get into a higher percentage of car accidents. Does he have a point? Maybe. But that wouldn’t make you feel any better. In fact, having your privileges taken away will probably make you feel much worse than if you hadn’t been driving that whole year at all. You’d understandably be resentful of your Dad, even though you know he was doing it for the right reasons.

And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return.

No matter how I slice it, I see your predicament as an arbitrary, self-imposed one, based on a lack of understanding of both religion and human nature. And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return. Not because he’s a selfish jerk. But because he has a girlfriend whose actions and needs are not properly aligned with his own. Finally, I’m sincerely sorry if I misinterpreted the doctrine of your religion. If you, or anyone reading this, wants a more religious take on the Church’s position on pre-marital sex, consult your clergy. But since you asked a dating coach a sex question, you got my irreverant take on it. Hope it gives you some clarity.

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Comments:

  1. 301
    Daniela

    Yasmin,

     

    It is commendable that you want to be closer to God and start your marriage with right heart and mind. The response you were given is incorrect and God calls us to have a pure love. The kind of pure love He had and showed to his people.

    Please do not listen to the person who wrote this.

  2. 302
    mike

    Wow, My girlfriend has currently stop having sex with me because of me not proposing to her. She has said I am breaking promises. To me it comes off as her being controlling. She says it’s because she wants to be closer to God but her actions say other wise. To me it’s just an excuse to get what she wants. What’s sad about the situation is that I want to be married but I want to do it on my terms . I don’t feel like it’s right to put me on a timeline. You can’t break up with someone every other month and start changing things in the relationship. She even said we can’t be considered boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Only thing she is willing to except the title of is wife. Sex was never an issue but now it is. Truth is my issues with her had nothing to do with sex.I can honestly say doing this and a hand full of other things is making me start to change my mind. I feel like it’s completely selfish of her to do this and that it’s just a form of manipulation. I can’t speak for all men but I feel doing this is the quickest way to lose your man rather than get him to propose to you.

  3. 303
    BlackScarlet

    This may have been said since there are too many comments to read. But I believe you are allowed to change your mind. Because he has agreed but you think he is only saying what you want to hear, it is a big concern. He may think he is ok with it or think telling you what you want to hear will be enough now, but because you’ve had sex for a while he may think you’re not that serious about it and try to have sex. I think it’s best to have a serious conversation. Has marriage been brought up? If you guys are getting married in a year  it may make it something that seems more achievable. You both have to talk about pi it what you’re new boundaries are, agree, also good to agree that you both would come to one another and tell the other if this new arrangement is not working and one feels they are going to stray.. or hopefully that they just need some sensual physical attention maybe something you can do that will make you two feel close, have those exciting feelings in your body, that feels good without getting to sex, and you have to expect that if you are going to stay true to this decision, it would be unfair now that it’s been 10 months to expect him to definitely do it with you.. I’d hope he’d try.. but he may find he can’t and that may be a deal breaker for him.

     

    I feel everyone has a checklist and you have thing you need and want and then things that are there already.. now are any of the cons deal breakers? Something you cannot handle forever.. if yes then this isn’t going anywhere. But if the cons or his flaws are just annoying but you can handle it forever then it’s not a dealbreaker. Same with pros or wants. He may not want to have children. If this is a must to you, it’s a dealbreaker and move on, if you’re sure your be ok with that forever then it isn’t. This all applies to him as well. But most of all, people typically don’t change, at least the core beliefs, desires, and needs. So hoping he’ll change his mind on having kids one day is just an unrealistic expectation to put on him. So he has to evaluate if he can not have sex til marriage, be nice to have a time frame in mind to set mini goals along the way or it may be a dealbreaker on his list. But he may not know it… he may try and realise he needs it later on. Plan ahead together of all the things you can do.. and try not to rush thru them. Make sure he feels comfortable talking to you if it isn’t what you want to hear. Maybe talk to him often about any changes or even encouragement on how crazy excited he can make you with just him kissing your skin. Some guys like the challenge of pleasuring someone else without having sex. I know it has happened to me without even touching. Just his breath and touching with the petals of a rose he gently explored my body with.. there is a lot you can incorporate into your sealife without having sex. Definitely depends on people’s own abilities.. if it’s easy or extremely hard to get there if you know what I mean..

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