I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I waited until I was officially his girlfriend (2 months) before we had sex. It’s been amazing, but this New Year I want to get closer to God and stop having sex until we get married. It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me, and when I talk to him about it he tries to ignore the subject.He agreed to not have sex, but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it. Should this be a big concern? Or am I taking it too far since we’ve already been sexual for the past 10 months?

Thanks! Yasmin

Dear Yasmin, I’m sorry, sweetie, but you really wrote to the wrong guy. I’m pro-sex, pro-logic, and pro-consistency, and your letter fails all three tests. I can understand a woman who sleeps with a man too quickly, like, date 1 or 2 – pulling back to say, “Hey, we should get to know each other a little better first before we embark on a sexual relationship.” The guy may grumble a bit at moving “backwards,” but, if he likes her, he’ll be pleased to wait a few weeks until she trusts him enough to resume the physical part of their relationship. You, on the other hand, were patient enough to wait two months to sleep with your guy. Good for you, really! – for showing restraint and seeing what he was made of as a man. As a result of your patience, you’ve been rewarded with an amazing boyfriend, and, not incidentally, 10 months of good sex.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.

Then, suddenly, you had a New Years Revelation (stronger than resolutions, I hear), which told you that in order to “get closer to God,” you should stop having sex. Got it. Now, forgive my ignorance of religion, but I’ve got a handful of questions: What does “closer to God” mean? What happens to all the unfortunate God-fearing women who have been having pre-marital sex without changing their minds? Are they screwed? Are they all going to hell? Or will they just not be as “close” with God as you are? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.Oh, there’s one more thing that begs a question: what about your boyfriend’s feelings? It would be like you driving your parents’ car for a year when you were 16, and then, when you turned 17, hearing from Dad that you were losing your driving privileges. Why? Because Dad read a statistic that girls under 18 get into a higher percentage of car accidents. Does he have a point? Maybe. But that wouldn’t make you feel any better. In fact, having your privileges taken away will probably make you feel much worse than if you hadn’t been driving that whole year at all. You’d understandably be resentful of your Dad, even though you know he was doing it for the right reasons.

And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return.

No matter how I slice it, I see your predicament as an arbitrary, self-imposed one, based on a lack of understanding of both religion and human nature. And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return. Not because he’s a selfish jerk. But because he has a girlfriend whose actions and needs are not properly aligned with his own. Finally, I’m sincerely sorry if I misinterpreted the doctrine of your religion. If you, or anyone reading this, wants a more religious take on the Church’s position on pre-marital sex, consult your clergy. But since you asked a dating coach a sex question, you got my irreverant take on it. Hope it gives you some clarity.

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  1. 151

    @Jean – I’m going to be controversial and say that yeah she does owe him sex, well sort of. Let’s get real. If he’s been having things a certain way and that suddenly changes, then that’ll shock him. Of course it’s up to her to do what she wants but she can’t expect him to be totally on board with that. I mean that’s common sense, and it has nothing to do with what your view on religion is. The same is true if a religious woman got into a relationship making it clear she wanted to save herself, and then the guy tried to persuade her to change the game plan. Both aren’t good. You should start how you mean to go on.

    Okay I admit that I’m an agnostic. I don’t understand what sex has to do with God or why not having sex would bring one closer to God. Just doesn’t sound logical to me. Why would God create us as sexually charged beings and not want us to have sex? I mean if it’s that bad, maybe He should have only given us the ability to reproduce but not experience pleasure from sex? And wouldn’t God want us to be happy if that happiness involves us indulging our sexual passions? 

    Aren’t there other ways she can get closer to God anyway? Would God support her emotionally neglecting him by deciding to stop having sex? I would never deride someone’s religious views as silly…but seems silly to potentially losing an amazing guy. Surely there’s a better way she can engage with her faith.

  2. 152

    You are not alone. Go to http://en.allexperts.com/q/Christianity-Christian-Living-1401/2009/3/Sex-Marriage-stop.htm it helped me

  3. 153

    I’m actually in this same situation right now, which is why I am here. I wanted to see what other people had to say. Honestly, I have to say that I don’t think it is fair for you to want to change that part of the relationship and expect him to stay with you. You should be prepared for him to want to leave, because sex plays a key part in relationships. Now, if you had stated before having any sort of sexual interaction with him that you don’t want to have sex until marriage, then you could possibly have avoided all of the heartbreak and uglyness that might be around the corner, because there were no feelings off attachment and love created yet. However, leading someone into a relationship which they believe is going to be sexually open, and causing a person to not only become emotionally, but also physically attracted and attached to you and trying to break that physical part and expecting them to want to stay would be unfair. I’m trying to get my girlfriend to at least understand this, but I don’t want her to have to compromise her religious beliefs because of me, even though I’m an agnostic. It is hard for some men to sexually move backwards, especially completely backwards. However, if these intentions were stated initially, you, nor I, would be having this problem right now

  4. 154

    All of the people here who disagree with a woman changin her mind in the middle of the game, may be a little confused or incompassionate, or non understanding, or anti female, or something of the like, when it comes to the way you all are approaching this female person, named, Yasmin. 
    First off, many, many females give in to sex, because of all the notions that society has placed on us. Example: If you don’t give it to your man he will do this, or no man will accept you, or you must be a prude, or you must be strange, or you must be old fashioned, and the list goes on and on. This scolding is not right and not fair. Women allow themselves to give in to the men’s scolding. Females, you should nott allow these scolders to change your convictions. You do not owe any man outside of marriage, a darn thing; sex included!!
    Yasmin, I 100% agree with you and I have your back. I will travel with you around the world and speak up for women to stand against all this pressure to have sex with a man. I am not a troll, and do not hate men, and I have not been in bad relationships with men. IWhen I was a young female, I abstained from sex and did fine, until I met my man and was ready for commitment and sex. I just believe that men use women for sex outside of marriage. If you locked each man that claims that sex is so needed, in separate rooms for 2 years and only gave them food, restoom, television, etc, these men would not die of no sex from a woman. They would survive.
    Yasmin, stick to your convictions. Let him go!! So dog gone what. You will do fine without him or any man, as long as you want. Girl, do not let these evil talking people, who are so consumed with sex, make you give in and join the other brainwashed females.

  5. 155
    cornflake girl

    Well, i have a problem similar to Yasmin, but it’s the other way around. My boyfriend is the one who wants to cut off the sex (because of fear of God)…. Well, i love God too, but i love sex too, intimacy and all…

    1. 155.1

      Same here, except I don’t believe in god. And if I did, I still wouldn’t stop having sex. Especially with the guy I thought I’d end up marrying.  If we ended up getting married, I don’t see the harm in sex. It’s with the same person each time, you plan marriage but just haven’t done it yet. No big deal. 

  6. 156

    Your answer to this poor girl was so insensitive.  Her sexuality and her God are both precious to her and you treated them very disrepectfully. 

  7. 157

    My comment was not insensitive. Don’t tell lies on me. Read before you comment. It showed her support, rather than having her listening to someone telling her she owes a boyfriend sex. Women are more than sex.  If a man cannot respect that, then it is too bad. If she decides to stop in the middle of the game, then that is what you all must respect. If her boyfriend decided than he needed to stop doing something in the middle of the game, I would support him also.
    Sex is way over rated. It is enjoyable to some and not important to others. You people need to respect a woman and her convictions, when she is not married to a man. That is some of the problem with the abundance of disease and teen pregnancies. We need to teach our girls to say no. Just because a boyfriend wants sex, it does not mean a girlfriend has to give in. 5-2013
    Girls of the world, I support you saying no if you are not ready. Remember, you have a right to do what you want with your body. Trust me, I am an experienced female who abstained until I met a man who committed to me. Before that, I had my mind on God, my job, my family, and my friends. Sex is way too over rated. It puts girls in a dangerous situation.

  8. 158

    @ Jean
    “First off, many, many females give in to sex, because of all the notions that society has placed on us.”
    And yet Yasmin, who admits that sex with her boyfriend has been “amazing”, is willing to give it up because of the notions that her corner of society has placed on her.
    If any of them undergoes a huge personal change and decides to completely change the rules of their relationship in the middle of the game, as you say, that is completely their right. Just like it is completely their partner’s right to say, Wait a minute. Who is this person I’m with? What is this new way of life they’re forcing on me? I didn’t sign up for this. To me this is no different from a situation when, after ten months of being monogamous, one of the partners suddenly decides they need to switch to an open relationship and bring new partners into their bed right now. It is completely their right to do so. But the odds are high that the other partner may walk out, unless by happy coincidence he or she happens to also like open relationships.
    “Sex is way too over rated. It puts girls in a dangerous situation.”
    Wow. Can I point out that this is your opinion, not Yasmin’s. She likes being intimate with her boyfriend, she’s just being guilt-tripped by whatever religious organizations she belongs to, into no longer having sex. That’s a little different. If she hadn’t liked sex from the beginning, her bf would’ve known that from the beginning and they wouldn’t be in this situation now. TBH my advice to her would be, if you like doing it, keep doing it. Just keep it on the DL and don’t tell your church friends. if there is a god, I’m pretty sure he or she won’t mind two consenting adults having sex as part of a committed relationship. This approach worked for me when I got religion at 22 after meeting my future husband at 20.
    PS Pretty sure that Angel’s comment #157 was to EMK, not you. She didn’t say who she was addressing it to.

  9. 159

    Sex being over rated is not just my opinion. It is proven when many people throughout time and across the world have cited examples of this, by revealing that they have not and do not get anything out of the sex act, then hear men and some women, go on, and on, and on, and on, about its importance. GOLDIE, that is what people mean, when they say that something is over rated. Plain and simple, huh? 
     “Just keep it on the DL and don’t tell your church friends if there is a god, I’m pretty sure he or she won’t mind two consenting adults having sex as part of a committed relationship”   
            This is the way you see things?  Your belief, not mine. This is the way you see your god, not the way I see my God. You see Goldie, we all have opinions, don’t we?  Even you have an opinion. 
    Girls, do not owe their boyfriends sex. Just because most men and some women want sex all the time, does not mean it is okay to condemn those of us who are fine without it in our single years. We need to support all females who choose to not have premarital sex, even when they stop in the middle of the game. If sex is that important to him and not her right now, maybe it’s better that she found out now. This may help her to become stronger for the attacks of the over rating sex crowd. A girl is not validated by any man, not her boyfriend, her husband, and not her dad. Females are vital and important just by being female, with our without sex. Let us stop scolding females for not liking sex and for expressing how little they want and need it. 5-17-13

  10. 160

    I AND my boyfriend decided to stop after 4 months (and it wasn’t constant, it wasn’t even once a week) because of our Biblical beliefs as well.  We made mistakes and went against the Word of the Lord and we both felt it pulling us away from the Lord.  We, when having our personal prayer time w/ the Lord were constantly asking to be forgiven for what we knew we were gonna do again. This caused us to feel such guilt and shame that it became harder and harder to continue coming to the Lord. We were no longer close to the Lord. Our focus was on the lust and physical desire and not on the Lord. I was consumed w/ fear that if I did not exercise some restraint, the Lord would take my boyfriend away from me in order to save me. I didn’t want that. I wanted our relationship to be a Godly one because it would then have the Lord’s blessing upon it. We believe that the Lord only wants the best for us and if we follow His word and His will then we can trust that we will have happiness in the end. If we were to constantly be in a state of guilt and shame and worry that YES, since we knew better, we would go to hell if we continued, it would be horrible. I want to have the peace that I’m following the Lord. If I do not then I am drawn away from the Lord. A big part of getting closer to the Lord is choosing to submit to His will and obey because it is for our better, in the same way that parents want their children to do things that the kids may not want to do, but in the future will be for their good and will benefit their lives. You do His will and then continue w/ prayer and Bible study to know Him better and GET CLOSER TO GOD. That’s what getting closer to God is. She has every right to do this. Yes…if he can’t deal w/it, especially after he was lead to believe that sex would always be a part of the relationship, he also has the right to leave, but do NOT condemn her for making a good choice. From my past, I’ve seen that when sex comes very soon in a relationship, it ends up taking up a lot of time that is needed to get to know each other. Test it out….if you guys just chilled out together and talked etc. in the time that you would be having sex, if it ends up like “Soooo…..yeah….so….hmmm…what’s goin’ on?” then that means that the ONLY way you even communicate is through sex. NOT GOOD!!!! and if you never knew it was that way because that time was always about sex, you wouldn’t have a strong relationship. Sometimes the only reason a couple stays together is because of the physical part. When they go out on a date, the sex is what they are looking forward to and not the actual person whom has a character and personality and opinions and thoughts etc. I want to look forward to being w/ the person more than their genitalia. I mean, things happen in life and relationships from surgeries to impotency where sex may be impossible for a while or forever even and I would hate to find out that me, as a person, am not good enough to keep their attention. If you don’t have sex till marriage or decide to stop having sex until marriage and your partner doesn’t want to stay w/ you, then obviously the only thing that was keeping them around was the sex and not the person. If they really liked the person, but are upset because they really want to be able to show their physical love as well, they can always choose to marry that person and then have the best of both worlds. If they won’t choose to do that, then there probably was never really any true commitment to the relationship and they were happy w/ having their cake and eating it too. Why can’t the devout Christian have their cake and eat it too so to speak, where they have the relationship, sex and closeness to God? That’s marriage.

  11. 161

    @ Goldie,
    Hi Goldie. I as a christian do know that there are many that seem to love condemning and pointing out to others where they fall short and yes, this may cause some to change their ways only because they feel forced to in order to make their church family happy and then feel accepted.
    On the other hand, there are also those whom are convicted by the words of the Bible and the conviction of the Lord that there needs to be a change in their lives. This change gives them and God happiness and that is the ONLY reason they choose to change the path they have been walking. Keeping their continuing sex life on the “down low” at church accomplishes nothing when you are trying to please the Lord. Noone can keep ANYTHING in their life on the down low from God. As a Christian, they must realize that they should only be living and breathing for an audience of ONE. He is GOD. In the end, it’s not your church family that will judge your life.
    I would also like to point out that just because she enjoyed having sex w/ him, it does not mean that she should continue. There are many things that people do that feels really good and they love doing, like drugs, stealing and even rape and murder, but it does not mean that they should continue w/ it. Have you ever thought that now the thought of obeying the Lord and being closer to Him is even more amazing than having sex w/ her boyfriend?

  12. 162

    My boyfriend and I didn’t have sex for a year and a half. He had been very sexually active in previous relationships, at 24, but I was a 19 yr old virgin. We were both religious and decided early on not to have sex before we married. (And by sex, i mean anything more than heavy kissing). Needless to say, we got married ASAP. I was 20, and still a virgin on my wedding night. It was so special to give myself to someone who cared about his relationship with me, and his relationship with God. Talk about intimacy! We’ve been married for 28 years, and even though we’ve gone through rough patches in our relationship, we’ve worked through them, and we’re closer now than we ever have been. I’m glad for those difficult and teasing times while we dated. They helped us develop self-control and patience, and made sex the ultimate wedding gift to each other.

  13. 163

    Tc all females, everywhere. 
    Do what you need to do for yourself. Do not be pressured by all the articles on the internet that is written by mostly men and indoctrinated women who  have been paid or is getting paid to write articles that put unfair pressure and expectations on females. Often times people will label females like me, who speak up and support females, as a feminist, a man hater, or one who needs to get laid. None of these titles are correct. This is just a practice, by this man exalting society that blames females for everything. But if you are smart enough to read  these articles, you should be able to look at all the info,  that blames and scold females,  decipher it and see that something is not quite right. Be aware that something sinister IS going on in this world of ours and it is all about exalting, worshipping, praising,  and serving males, while females are belittled, demeaned, scolded, and blamed for everything.
    Yes, we are aware that all males are not alike and are different in many ways, but males do support their gender even when the males happen to be wrong, especially in male female relationships. Males, STICK together.  Females are bitchy and catty towards each other and are too stupid to see how foolish we look when we tear our gender down.  In fact, we tend to see just as many females being disrespectful to the female gender as males are.
    Now, when it comes to a female being in a  relationship with a male, we can see a tendency for the general population of males to get bored with the one female companion. Yes, he will admit that he loves her, but he is all the while, struggling inside, to keep his mind and his genitals with her only.  All the while,  the poor gullible, naive, and so in love female, is dreaming that all is fair and believing that “he is mine”.   But someone, a non gullible, non brainwashed female, needs to step forward and reveal what she knows about males, and tell the truth to gullible females.
    Lastly, since we are aware that males bring sexually transmitted diseases to their partners, we females must be more vigilant.  A female needs to weigh all options and keep herself as safe as possible. All the pressure for intimate relations, is surely going to be there, long before she is ready for relations. Women have other things that are more important to them. This is just a reality. But anyway, she needs to know that she does not need to be foolish and compromise herself.  She needs to be told that when her partner pressures her  for anal and oral relations, that he basically is looking out for his OWN satisfaction, not hers. There IS NO physical satisfaction for a woman in oral and anal relations. Tell the truth. I do not bite my tongue with this! Also, if the male has more than one partner,  he may be having anal and oral  with other female(s). Just stop and think for a minute. If your boyfriend has had relations with another female, or ever strays during the course of the relationship with you and he has anal relations and comes to you expect intimacy, he will  be giving you the other female’s bodily fluids. That’s just plain old nasty. Think about this females. 
    Females please think before you go to bed with any man you are not married to, and even the ones you marry may be compromising you. I don’t hate men, but I realize that men are in it for themselves. Talk about love if you want, but for a man, it should be called,  “I”m in sex with her.”       🙂  10-25-13
    Females, you have a lot to think about when it comes to getting all serious with a male. You have more to lose than him. Look up and study AIDS and other disease that fmelaes get from men.Your life depends on you knowledge of diseases and tyyou r loving yourself and being strong. Also, do not fall so head over heels in love with any man. Males do not love us as seriously as we tend to love them .trusrt me as a a experinced female. I have nothing to lose or nothing to gain by telling you this, except giving other females some knowledge.

  14. 164

    Oh dear.  Does the lady know what she’s doing? It certainly doesn’t sound like it.
    I was brought up in a more religious atmosphere, and viewed with as much tolerance as I can, the guy must be absolutely bewildered.
    He might see you as a tease.
    Please ladies – make up your mind first.  If it’s no sex before marriage, then be clear about it.  Not no/yes/no/yes/no.  It’s yes or no.
    Yes means you get the sex and maybe you get the man.  You might also be treated to, do you always sleep around with men before you get a commitment?
    Or…..you were pretty easy?
    And before anyone thinks I’m on the man’s side entirely, I think this argument stinks to high heaven and those who speak to me like that get my standard reply “You were there too, weren’t you?”

  15. 165

    See, in spite of my rant, I do not get why a woman cannot change her mind ABOUT HER OWN VAGINA! Since when does a woman have to explain to anyone, why she decides to be chaste? 

  16. 166
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Jean. She doesn’t have to explain. And he doesn’t have to stick around in the relationship if she changed the terms of the relationship.

  17. 167

    Your sarcasm is noticed and expected. I understand. because men are too quick  to inform us about the fact that they need sex   
    Two points I need to bring to your attention about that :
    1) It is common for women to be willing to selflessly turn a blind eye and be willing to stay with their husbands during the husbands’ periods of impotence.
    2) Wives desperately need a nonsexual intimacy from their husbands, also need regular verbal communication, but stay with the husbands stay even when the need is not met.
    Go figure. Makes ya’ think, doesn’t it Marc?  Wouldn’t you say that these two points reveal what I and so many other women have been trying to get you all to see? The evidence is there. Men are more selfish, narcissistic, egotistical, and not worth it for a woman to get involved with. She loses all the way around. 10-26-13

  18. 168
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Jean – Before I go to bed, let me set you straight:

    1. It is not sarcasm when I say something I mean. I meant it when I said that a man has a right to leave his girlfriend when she chooses not to have sex with him any longer. She would have the same exact right, by the way.

    2. You have an objectively poor argument. When a man is impotent, he can’t help it. When a woman says she’s giving up sex to get closer to God, that’s her choice. Sticking with a man (or a woman) with a physical problem is noble. Sticking with a partner who consciously denies you sex when you’ve already been having sex is willfully foolish. Again, for either gender.

    3. Your next argument is that women are stupid to stick around with emotionally detached men, and so therefore women have the right to deny boyfriends sex? Huh? I’ve spent ten years telling women to LEAVE emotionally detached men. Thus, it doesn’t MATTER if a man is selfish, narcissistic and egotistical if you DUMP him. If you don’t dump him, it’s on YOU.

    4. My name is Evan. Says so all over this website. Good night and good luck in love with that attitude towards men (and logic).

  19. 169
    Karl R

    Jean asked: (#166)
    “See, in spite of my rant, I do not get why a woman cannot change her mind ABOUT HER OWN VAGINA! Since when does a woman have to explain to anyone, why she decides to be chaste?”
    A woman can change her mind about what she does with her vagina. A woman doesn’t have to explain.
    Just like a man can change his mind about what he does with his entire body. Just like a man doesn’t have to explain why he’s using his body to dump your chaste vagina.
    Jean said: (#168)
    “It is common for women to be willing to selflessly turn a blind eye and be willing to stay with their husbands during the husbands’ periods of impotence.”
    When my wife got sick and couldn’t have sex, my concern was her health. If you’re dating a man (or woman) who is less concerned about your health than their libido, you need to find a different partner.
    That’s not a difference between men and women. That’s a minimum acceptable standard for a relationship.
    Jean said: (#168)
    “Wives desperately need a nonsexual intimacy from their husbands, also need regular verbal communication, but stay with the husbands stay even when the need is not met.”
    If a man isn’t meeting your needs (nonsexual intimacy and regular verbal communication), dump him or divorce him.
    You can point to thousands of women making poor decisions about whom they choose to remain with. That doesn’t mean Evan or I (or any other man) is required to do the same.
    Jean said: (#168)
    “Men are more selfish, narcissistic, egotistical, and not worth it for a woman to get involved with.”
    If that’s your experience, don’t date men. Don’t marry them.
    Problem solved.
    Evan and I have advice that works for the women who do want to get married. We tell women to avoid the selfish, narcissistic and egotistical men. We also tell them how to avoid driving off the good men. Suddenly deciding to stop having sex … that tends to drive off men. Even the good men.
    Jean asked: (#168)
    “Makes ya’ think, doesn’t it Marc?”
    You put no thought into your rants when you were making them. They certainly aren’t going to inspire anyone to think while they’re reading them.

  20. 170

    I just loved this:
    women have org*sms at the merest touch
    What is this? National Orgasm Week?
    Surely the whole point of sex is sharing, not that you get your owed orgasm.

    1. 170.1

      Judy, that was so dry and silly. go for it again.

  21. 171
    Sophia micinley

    Hello, I have been and LDS church goer since I was born, bein born into this religion has given me great guidelines and correct perspectives on worldly matters, being adopted into my family that has seen the importance of church is truly a blessing, even though my parents where both heavily into drugs and weren’t te beat people, I have learned to forgive them, anyways that is just a little background about me. I see this mans point about the car thing, it DOES make sense. Even though I am a church girl I see the importance of your similarities. I myself have a hard time with my sexual desires. After having one donut, it’s hard not to have another, correct? Very true. Thanks for the similarity because as if now I have a boyfriend I have know for 4 years, I dated his BFF, but he always seemed of
    Me, after me and my ex didn’t work out, he never stopped trying to be in my
    Life, after 2 years of being his on and of again friend, I finnaly
    Said yes to a date. We have sex. It ISNT ok. He wants to marry me! Great right? Yes. But the sex thing does worry me. Unfortunatly we all have our certain temptations that get ya going and ours is sex.
    I plan to serve a mission and it is hard to see it happenin wen I am sinning, I’m hoping that him and I can work this through and he can be the man I want hi to be for my life, so we will see
    How it goes and how good he will change.

  22. 172

    Yasmin! Don’t listen to Evan. How can you present matters of the spirit to one who operates only on the physical, and has no spiritual maturity?!

    Please, the decision you’ve made (if you’re sure this is a decision and not just a temporary reaction to something) is a great one. You cannot sin and have a relationship with God. That’s what earthly people want us to believe. Fornication and adultery have been trivialized. If you are a Christian, you know (God despises sexual sins) your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

    Anyway, I just went through the exact same situation you are going through. It spanned five months and we are still building up and moving forward. We’d been together for about 7months before then. Our 1yr anniversary is in a few days..

    My man received my “decision” very badly. We had a massive fight – said I was controlling, selfish and bullying him. Took all his things from my apartment. Had a screaming match and stormed off – twice. We went on a break from there. Long story short, my man came back about a week after telling me he’d realized he couldn’t be without me etc. We got back but only after laying grounds and expectations we had of each other. We also got counseled by a fee people because we had little fights after that getting acquainted with the new “mode of operation.

    Nevertheless, I’d tell you it could have been more difficult if my boyfriend didn’t at least posses any iota of a shared religious/spiritual belief with me. At least, we were able to build on that with the counsel we sought and his belief too in God. Secondly, if he truly loves you, he’d be willing to at least try, genuinely. Also, you too must learn to compromise in the adjusting process. If you don’t have sex/sleep over at each other’s house, you should kiss him more and cuddle to the fullest. Let him know you love him in every way possible. If one of you has to sleep over, you sleep on the floor and let him have the bed. Let him know how much this means to you….

    And take everything to The Lord in Prayer…. He won’t leave you behind in this quest.

    All the best!

    (You lost me at “God despises sexual sins”. Sure he does. I’m sure the 96% of people who have had premarital sex are all going to hell. – EMK)

  23. 173

    I love this blog! Thank you for sharing. The car comparison was great as well. im in the same situation, but I’m the girlfriend who was cut off by my boyfriend for “religious” reasons. It’s really hurts and sucks. I find myself  hating him more and more everyday because of constant rejection. 

  24. 174

    Yeah I feel like you could have answered this in a helpful and tactful manner, but avoided that at all costs, instead offering this girl no help whatsoever.

  25. 175

    Nina 170 – your point of view is fine, as long as you weren’t having sex first.  It is NOT godly to have sex first and then withdraw it.  It is being a tease.
    I’m sure that there are many men and women out there who would be very happy to have what is commonly called premarital sex and if that’s what they agree, that’s fine. 
    You have to make up your own mind about that, but it’s kind of mean to say, yeah, let’s have sex and then say, I want to be closer to God and that means we no longer have sex.
    I would understand a man saying the hell with it all and leaving the woman.  She is confused at the very least.

    1. 175.1

      Why would you write that it is “mean for a woman to decide that she no longer wants to have sex”?  When we as humans start to respect women and their choices and stop making everything about a man and what he wants us to do? No matter what  a woman’s reason is for stopping sex, saying that, “she is being mean”,  is grossly unfair. What is it with you people in this country,  always needing  to side with men and their selfish sexual desires of needing to dominate women? Are we women brainless, insecure,  low self esteem, or what? 1-12-13
      None of you have the right to scold any woman for doing what she needs for her emotional, spiritual, or physical well being. God is definitely more important than a man and if that man has requests that separate you from your God, then you had better let that man go and run to another woman, if that is his desire. Let him go. Women will not die without sex and men won’t either. Sex is so overrated and definitely in girlfriend-boyfriend relationships. Men do not want us unless sex is on the menu. That’s let’s you women know right there, that it is not worth it for a   woman to enter a relationship with a man.

      1. 175.1.1
        Peter 51

        Jean, As you mention God, read the First Book of Cornithians Chapter 7 verses 1-14.  Also consider what the “with my body I thee worship”, which is in most Trinitarian Christian marriage services and a few others, implies.  There is an obligation for married christians to have sex with each other, to keep the other party from immorality.  Chastity is described as the better condition but if you cannot be chaste be married and vigorous in your sexual activity with mutually agreed “times of prayer” as occassional exemptions.
        Lust is a biological urge.  Hunger provokes eating.  Without lust we won’t reproduce.  Having sex denied in a marriage is a route to depression.  In a dating relationship, not offering sex is a good commitment test of the other party.
        If some one has already covered Corinthians and the marriage service, apologies.  I haven’t gone through the whole thread.

        1. Jean

               Peter,  I did not write about denying sex in marriage. Go back and be careful as you read.  Also are you implying that the only exemptions for no sex in marriage, should be during times of prayer? Did I read that right?  If that is what you meant, are you implying that a woman should have sex, during her  heavy menstrual cycle, right after uterine surgery, while she is in labor, while she has a disease, etc. Read all of the Bible and take notes so that you can be informed and recall specific points for discusssion about what women and men should and should not do.
               Don’t try so to be an expert. We are all still learning. Only God has all of the answers. I trust in Him, not a human male.It is truly amazing how some  men can quote Scriptures when it is time to blame, scold, and lecture women. We  need to also read the Scriptures that tell men about lust,  adultery, pride, and their other sins.. We all are sinners and have fallen short of the Glory of God. Sex is not important to any one human’s survival. A man on an uninhabited island,  for a year, will survive without another to meet his sexual needs. 1-12-13
               You wrote:   “Without lust, we won’t produce.” 
          Without men getting their  penises to ejaculate, there will be no baby. This is in the normal way. But egg and sperm can meet  by artificial means in a lab and………….. without lust.

  26. 176

         Go for it Evan. See if you have the power to set me or anyone else straight. You can only give your opinion and then allow the reading audience to form theirs. Or, you can delete my comments. I will not be angry at you for either choice. 🙂
         But, since you want to be facetious or mean,  or whatever your emotion is, you need to be made aware that you are only a human male and your maleness, does not intimidate wise, strong women.  You cannot change our views. Evan, women were not created with penises  and that overwhelming need to thrust into the female’ s body cavity.   Don’t try to make women be like men. We are not wired like you all are.  Haven’t you read enough articles and comments from women about that?  We are telling you all, but you  will not listen. Women can adjust to  a sexual life, where we sually do it to keep the man satisfied, since society beats it into our heads about your need for it. It really is an huge sacrifice for a woman to  be in a sexual lifestyle. I could give you a list of the sacrifices  women make,  at a later comment.1-12-13
    In the meantime, as I have written before, why not have a respectful dialogue to get solutions to this sex dilemma, or women will continue to  “change their minds in the middle of the game”.  

  27. 177
    Peter 51

    I don’t seem to be able to reply to the reply so here’s a new comment.
    I suspect that such circumstances as you describe are exactly what Paul had in mind by Times of Prayer.  I am not a evangelical; I’m an extremely liberal Anglican but we had got to 170 pages of sex and religion without any specific religous references.
    Yes test tube reproduction is an available technology but it’s hardly human unless it’s the last option.  I don’t think that it amounts to chastity.  It acheives the results of lust.

    1. 177.1

      My view is very unpopular, even derided in current culture, but since I don’t expect a man to wait until marriage but I cannot compromise my faith and what I believe the word of God says, I look at it as taking up my cross to follow Jesus.  Again, not popular but I have to live with me and my conscience, and nobody else.

  28. 178

    I’ve seen this abstinence until marriage thing result in some very sad situations. Having been told not to date until I was 18 and still being relatively conservative, I believe in living and having sex with your partner as early as you both feel comfortable. That can take a long time, but I’ve seen the disastrous effects of friends waiting until marriage, and it’s one big false dream. Not for all, but for some.
    If you choose to do anything, the hard part is knowing that it is the right thing for you and not something taught or pressured.

  29. 179

    1.) No woman or man should ever have to justify why he/she does not want sex.  A person is not ever obligated to always give another person unconditional access to his/her body even if married.
    2.) People can change their minds. New information molds new ideas and informs their opinions. It does not mean we change at our core but may try to make changes in how we approach life….and that is ok. That is the whole process of living and maturing. That being said, Yasmin, you need to do a couple of things:
    -Do not “read into” his words. If he says he is fine with it,  then take him as a man of his word and do not allow yourself to feel emotionally coacred into having sex again when you promised yourself not to. He should respect your right to say “no” and make decisions about your body. If he looks elsewhere because “his needs are not being met” then you are better off finding someone else who is willing to allow you to grow and grow with and support your choices because he respects your choices even if he does not like them. In the meantime, give the guy the benefit of the doubt and take him at his word that he is “fine with it.” If he cheats, it means he is a liar. If he breaks up with you, it means it was a compromise he was not willing to make. If he sticks with you without emotionally “punishing” you for your choice or trying to emotionally coarce you, it is a testament to his respect for you and willingness to make things work. But if you keep assuming that he is saying “he is fine with it” to appease you then you are not taking him seriously.
    -if your revelation is partially due to dissatisfaction with the sex or feeling you went too quickly into a sexual relationship, then you need  to communicate that to him and perhaps speak to an expert about how to work on a healthier emotional relationship.
    Anyway, that is my 2 cents.

  30. 180

    You are about to find out what is more important to your boyfriend.  You, or sex.  If he truly loves you and wants a relationship with you, then, while it may be difficult for him, but if he loves you, he will make the hard choice and respect your values, because that’s what someone does when they truly love someone.  If sex is more important to him, then he won’t care who he gets sex from and your relationship with him will be over.  Either way, you are going to learn a lot about the character of your boyfriend. 

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