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Really enjoy your blog. I found out a few months ago that I have herpes. After going through the normal flip out and that my dating life would now consist of Ben and Jerry’s and DVD’s every Saturday night, I’m ready to get out there again.
I have gone through “the conversation” a million times in my mind. I have seen men post on various dating sites where they come right out on their profile stating they have herpes. And before I found out about my little gem, I would immediately think, “not in my backyard”. I think that is a TMI on a profile. I thought that if I meet someone, and there seems to be some sort of vibe, I would have the talk pretty quickly, possibly even the first date. And I wouldn’t be dramatic, just simply say, you need to know something, I have herpes. I control it with medication, but no matter how you slice it, it is what it is.
There are “herpes sites” but they kind of creep me out at this point.
I have enough common sense that I wouldn’t casually mention this as we are flinging clothing all over the room.
What are your thoughts? Is there a “right time or wrong time” to have this discussion?
If ok, want to jump on my soapbox for a second, if anyone reading this has herpes, do the right thing, let people know. One of the most difficult things I had to do was call former boyfriends I may have exposed (think it was dormant in my system for quite sometime, I honestly did not know). None of these guys started screaming at me, they THANKED me and said they would get tested – none of them had it -YAY!!!!
This is forever, don’t make it forever for someone else – have “the talk”.
Thanks Evan, happy new year!
Jen
Important question, Jen. And while I’m not an expert in herpes, per se, I do know a number of people who have it, and continue to lead rich, happy, limitless dating lives. So don’t worry. It’s all gonna be okay.
I do know a number of people who have it, and continue to lead rich, happy, limitless dating lives.
I think all the readers should take a second to put themselves in your shoes for a moment. Because one second you’re saying “No way” to a guy with herpes, and the next, you’re praying that a guy doesn’t judge you for this one minor thing.
And let me be clear, it IS a minor thing.
According to Herpes.com, 50-80 percent of the American adult population has oral herpes. Ever had a cold sore? Congratulations. You probably have oral herpes. As far as genital herpes goes, we’re talking 20% of the population. That’s 50 MILLION people, a majority of whom don’t even know they’re infected. The scariest part of this whole thing is the staggering ignorance about herpes — a disease that undoubtedly affects someone that you know.
Don’t think so? Well, let’s just say that I have close friends, clients, and ex-girlfriends who have genital herpes, and none of them are traumatized, hospitalized or ostracized because of it. So let’s get past that.
Just know that if you have the disease, you may be entirely asymptomatic, which would mean that you could potentially transmit it without knowing. And if you do have symptoms, they are easily controlled with the use of drugs. The question is how do you explain this to someone else who is freaked out by this kind of stuff?…
I think the best answer is to treat your condition matter-of-factly. The bigger deal you make out of it, the bigger deal it becomes. This should be like talking about how your father died, or how you had anorexia in high school, or how you didn’t lose your virginity until you were 25. All of those things might be sensitive and relevant, but they don’t have to be dealbreaker-type issues if dealt with effectively.
I wouldn’t put it in a profile, I wouldn’t say it on a first date, and I wouldn’t say it when slipping on a condom. I’d wait until you were ready to have genital contact and initiate the conversation prior. Perhaps even a few days prior. Do it in person so your partner can look you in the eyes and ask any questions. And make sure you have your facts ready in case he’s curious. You want to make it clear: this is a fact about you, and it’s something you have under total control. He need not worry.
You can literally have this conversation after dinner or a movie while walking, so as not to make the situation feel too pressurized. And while it’s not quite “Please pass the salt”, you can probably cover what you need to cover in just a few minutes, as opposed to a two-hour herpes summit.
Major bulletpoints:
You trust him and feel he needs the truth if the relationship is to progress.
You have herpes. It’s a fact that he needs to know about you.
You have a handle on the disease and outbreaks are rare.
He will not catch it since you take drugs and carefully monitor the situation.
He can ask you questions, research it, digest it, but understand that it’s not a big deal. 1/6 of the country has it and most don’t even know.
Again, I’m no expert, but I coached one client through this tricky process. She said the conversation with her new guy took less than five minutes and didn’t blow her chances with him at all.
And finally, if there are herpes dating sites for people who aren’t afraid of your condition, maybe you should at least take a peek, okay?
Take care and good luck.
Evan
Markus says
I’m saying this is a first-date convo but, let me understand this..it’s not contagious on medication?
JD says
Yeah, that’s not correct :/ Even if on medication, and not during an outbreak, one could still be having viral shedding and pass it on. The chance is extreeeeemely low, but it is still there.
AM says
And in order to transmit through skin contact, there has to be an open wound, cut, abrasion, something like that.
Poosker says
You can teanit no matter what. It is not limited to the penis or vagina. But also around those areas. My wife had it on one of her fingers. On medicarion or off, condom or not, breakout or not. You can always transmit. Some thing reduce the risk by only abstinence is foolproof.
SS987 says
It’s not easy to tell others about this truth. For people with herpes, I would like to suggest bestherpesdatingsites.com, 2016 best reviews for herpes dating sites. Hope you can find the most suitable community here.
Frank says
And here are the stats in 2015. If you ever had a cold sore in your life you have herpes and can spread it to the genitals or the lips just as easy as someone with genital herpes can spread to the genitals. It never goes from the genitals, HSV2 to the lips. When you think about the states below, those who don’t have it are in the gross minority.
A new report by the World Health Organization estimates that two out of three adults under the age of 50 had herpes simplex virus 1 in 2012. That’s 3.7 billion people worldwide who are infected.
Stu says
The censorship is horrible here…how can you have free speech?
Evan Marc Katz says
Yes, 113,000 comments and every single one agrees with me. This is like North Korea.
Stu says
Except I can’t reply to the people who attack me! There is no button!
Stu says
Wow….I talk about censorship and I get a reply from the owner within 30 seconds…that’s cool!
Evan Marc Katz says
Just a lucky coincidence that I’m reading while watching my fantasy football team lose.
Ron says
I would guess there is legal liability involved if you know you have herpes and you do not tell a sex partner beforehand.
Let’s put it this way: If I had sex with a woman, got herpes, and later found out she knew she was exposing me to the virus without telling me in advance, I’d sue the the living daylights out of her. I would try to take every asset she had.
And this is coming from a guy who is not at all materialistic or greedy.
It doesn’t at all sound like you are irresponsibile like that. But, for anyone out there who is, get ready to deal with a lawsuit if you get ahold (no pun intended) of a partner who doesn’t play nice after getting infected.
Teri Wilson says
I have had this virus for many years. I was not told by my partner. I am a very conservative person. As for me, I don’t even think about it. Sorry, but I consider it no big deal. My experience, I have told every partner. Only 2 men have told me, and that was after I told them. Most men do not tell. I have had 1 partner freak out. And this was before sex. He actually through a fit. I decided not to go out with this person anymore. I am proud of myself for telling. But, what I really want to say to those out there freaking out… you have been with someone that has had it. Period. They just didn’t tell you or didn’t know you had it. I happen to think it is not as easily spread as they say. The drug companies say it can be spread without having an outbreak. But, I think they are just saying this so they cover themselves from being sued. I certainly have never given it to anyone. Lighten up folks. You will be with someone that has it. Worry about world peace or something
Stu says
Sleeping around is how you got herpes in the first place yet you continue to sleep around like no big deal. Do you just keep going until you get a higher lvl STD??
People today act like freaking animals, as if they can’t live life without constantly having sex. Why not look for the right person and have a great life. This would also stop the spread of all of the STD’s.
Emma says
It’s not a number game. I got from my bf of 3 years that cheated on me! I was a complete wreck! Iam 46 years old and only have been with 3 guys in semi-long term relationships prior. It only takes 1 person to spread it if not treated. I’m not gonna let the past define my future..I’m a good person and taken responsibility for my health. 🙂
angie says
I got it from a boyfriend, who I had not cheated on and had been living with. He got if from someone he screwed in our bed while i was at work. You don’t need to be a whore to get herpes you ignorant, ridiculous, individual. People are dishonest at times and burn you without you knowing it until it’s too late. think about that before you spew out idiotic, uninformed information…
jess says
Not everyone just sleeps around! How about being in a committed relationship and the dbag just doesn’t tell you about it.. all the while you’re planning on getting married!?
hunter says
jess,
…their feelings change, its not that they won’t tell you about “no marriage”..
tarah says
This is not true at all. I caught this disease with the very first man I slept with. You get it by not being honest with one another.
mav says
Wow way to be a real dick!! It happens all the time. Some people don’t know they have it so it’s more easily transmitted. Someone could be in a relationship and get it.from their partner without knowing and then be in a new relationship and have the same thing happen. It’s not a huge deal but it is emotional for most people so don’t be an ass hole and just get that that happens and you don’t have to be a slut or sleep around to get an std.
Mellissa says
I have herpes, and I don’t sleep around or act like an animal. I have had very few sexual partners and have always been monogamous My ex husband had it and didn’t know.. Stop assuming that you know other peoples lifestyle and behavior.
DessertRose says
Women are more likely to get herpes simplex 2 & not all women/men get it from *sleeping around* I got the herpes simplex 2 from my 1st & only relationship so maybe take a good look at your attitude before jumping to the conclusion someone is a slut because they have herpes simplex 2….wake up to yourself.
tao says
absolutely not true. you can get it from someone who has a cold sore and they give you oral sex,JUST ONCE. You can get it from a boyfriend who never knew he had it because he had sex with an ex who never knew she had it. You could have sex with one person your whole life and still get herpes. Sure the chances are higher the more people but I’m sure you’ve had relationships,more than one,and I’m sure they involved sex. what if one of those relationships caused you herpes? does that make you a slut? no.
D says
That’s pretty ignorant and insulting. I got it from my husband who had no idea he got it as a teen. You should work on not acting like a judgmental prick. That’s definitely worse than herpes.
Laura to says
I would just like to say that I got married very young to my first sexual partner and got genital herpes he didn’t know he had it. its people like you who make people feel bad. Sex is important in relationships. and i hope that this judgement stops.
cootie says
let me say this….ignorant ppl like you make things harder then what they should be!…Your ignorance is definitely hindering you..understand that having herpes can be transmitted even without having actual SEX!…if me and a guy are dry humping with just undergarments and we have skin to skin contact and he doesn’t know he has it the disease can be transmitted… Newflash condoms do not protect you 100% from getting the disease..you take the risk of getting it every time you have sex protected or NOT!…Then you could have contracted it as a kid by drinking off someone else and NEVER had one outbreak..then on you wedding night you and your husband have oral sex and you happen to be contagious and you just gave him herpes even though you waited until marriage!!.. People need to be fully educated on what herpes is and how dangerous it is NOT!..This disease us NOT life threatening at ALL unless its given to a infant from its mother during gestation and it is a 0.1%chance of that happening.. Nobody dies from herpes..nobody is sick ..hospitalized.. Or even threatened with illness from this virus!.. It is so MINOR the fucking common cold and flu have no cure and it KILLS thousands of ppl a year yet herpes doesn’t kill or make ppl ill and ppl freak out….In my experience I have an outbreak every 6to8months….that is equivalent to once maybe twice a the most yearly!..It last in total for 2to3weeks…the outbreaks are minor its a nuisance more than anything..it doesn’t have me in horrible pain…its not this gross looking stuff the show on websites..I get two sores three on my first outbreak…they don’t even happen on my vaginal area but in my in grion area..the most painful think to me is before the blister breaks after that its OVER.. Its really not that bad it feels like a boil you get from shaving under your arm..then it goes away and I almost forget I have until it shows up again…its not this horrible disease the fucking stomach virus is worse…Grow up..and get some education please!Sue says
It is not always “sleeping around” that makes you catch it. I was looking for a lifetime partner, spent a year and a half with him ONLY, without him knowing he had it, and he passed it on to me. I wasn’t sleeping around, I was with him and him only for a total of 3 years, but was unlucky.
amber says
I couldnt say it better
Theresa says
I have herpes type 1 of the genitals. I got it from my husband when we had oral sex. He has never had a cold sore in his life and had no idea he had oral herpes. I have never slept around and neither has he. At first I was devastated. But it’s been two years and I have only had the initial outbreak. My husband has never caught it from me (on the genitals). I am not going to be defined by this virus or uneducated people who think you only get this if you are sexually promiscuous or “dirty”. Personally I think ignorance is a much worse affliction.
Mary says
you say that like everyone that has herpes is a “slut”. That’s like saying every rectangle is a square when in fact every square is a rectangle but not all rectangles are square..not all people with herpes got it because they were “slutting” around. You should really just not say anything.
Lisa says
I have only had sex with one person, and I have herpes. That person has only had sex with me. They got oral herpes (type 1) from kissing someone. They then transfered it to my genitals. All of this without either of us showing symptoms. You do not have to be sleeping around to get herpes. It is a very common condition. 3/4 of adults have oral herpes. 1/5 of adults have genital herpes. You only need to be exposed once to catch it.
Genie says
I far from slept around..he did ..i had four children perfectly healthy..and divorced after i found him cheating so stop judging.
flr says
Claudia says
Not everyone got it from sleeping around, I got it from my first boyfriend, he didn’t even know he had it and he gave it to me , he was my first and I still got it, so don’t just assume that people who has herpes is because of sleeping around.
Steph says
I got herpes when I was raped as a teenager. Think before you speak.
me says
Did you know the Amish has nearing a zero percent divorce rate and have no stds we should learn
Adreana says
Me,
Being a good boy/girl out of fear of being shunned isn’t something to be desired.
Louise says
Stu-i got herpes from my husband (whose name is also Stu) when i was 32 weeks pregnant with our first child. He cheated on my a week prior and came back and gave it to me. I was so in love. We had a great sex life. We had a 2nd child. My first child suffers from mouth ulcers and my 2nd child suffers from cold sores. And i of course am suffering with genital herpes and my now ex husband has nothing wrong with him.
Bree says
Not everyone that gets herpes just sleeps around with everyone. I was in a relationship with a man for 5 years.. He cheated and now I have to live with this virus. Glad you seem to know it all though.
Cali says
You do not need to “sleep around” to get it… of course.. that is probably the case for some. But, you could be with the same partner and not get it until years later…
Hsv says
Excuse me but I didn’t sleep around my bf had it and didn’t tell me. I think your remark is rude and a stereotype which is why people choose not to tell because they don’t want to be looked at like a whore and further more you can get it with out having sex. Do the world a favor and get educated before making ignorant remarks!
Jamie says
What about those you got it from their husband or wife and knew nothing about it? Just because you have herpes foesnt mean you slept around. There are people who were raped and got herpes. Get real! ()
CPA says
I got herpes from my first and only partner of three years, I waited until I was 25 years old to have sex, I asked my partner to get tested before we were together and his tests came out negative for STDs… I was responsible and still got herpes.
Jules says
Your assumption that sleeping around is how you get it, is completely incorrect. That’s the negative stigma attached to it.
joe says
I cought HSV 2 and I had a condom on FYI showed up a few days later ..
Annie says
My previous post had a typographical error in it!
Sleeping around DOESN’T cause someone to get herpes. Having sex with one person who has it and passes it on to you is how you get it. I got it from my fiancé in May of ’94, one month before we were married in June. He says he didn’t know he had it. He knew something was up, but he was in denial. We were married 15 years. We’re now divorced and I’ve had to deal with having to have this conversation with someone. It’s not easy. People like you think it’s from screwing a bunch of different people. I simply had sex with my husband the month before we got married. Now that I’m single again, I carry the stigma. Most people with herpes are just regular folks who caught a virus from someone. Period.
ttt says
I am 40 years old and have had exactly 3 sexual partners.
The last person I slept with unknowingly gave me herpes.
Neither of us are promiscuous “animals” but now bith suffer permanently from the virus.
Shit just happens sometimes.
Get a handle on your self righteousness.
Maria says
I’ve slept with only 2 man in my life who I had feelings for and I have it cause one of them was cheating on me. Truth is it’s really not a big deal. Once every couple months you get 2 or 3 or 1 spot on genitals and it doesn’t affect your health in any other way at least mine. It’s not hiv for god sake
Arizona says
What a cowardly thing for you to say! I was rapped and got it. Think I wanted to be rapped. NOO!
Scarlett says
I only slept with one man. Who I was with for 7 years. He cheated on me and now I’m paying the price for his mistake. Stop the damn stigmas! You CAN have herpes without sleeping around.
Jill says
Take your judgement elsewhere. Having sex with a few people you’ve dated does not equal sleeping around get over yourself. Oh btw humans are animals FYI. Take your holly roller shit elsewhere.
Dana says
Stu, you are wrong…sleeping around is not always how you get it! I got it from my 1st bf ever and he simply didnt tell me. So dont be stupid . There are lots of nice decent people that carry the virus.
Connie says
Same for me. I was married 34 yrs, never been with anyone but my ex husband. 5 yrs after my divorce I was in another relationship when he gave it to me. My 2nd sexual partner my entire life He was very clean and very picky about his looks. No breakouts. I came up with herpes two days after I slept with him. I even asked him twice if he had anything, because the protection kept coming off. When I called him and told him he had given me herpes, he said sorry didn’t know I had it. Total BS!! I’m not a whore, I believed him when he lied to me and changed my life forever. I’m ok now, but wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Always tell your partner before sex period!!
Frank says
This Stu person doesn’t know what they’re talking about, I got it at the age of 28 from the first girl I had sex with while in a relationship with her.
I was freshly divorced from my high school sweetheart, the only girl I ever had sex with in my life!
It’s so common I would bet 70% of the population has HSV2 also. Wouldnt surprise me if Stu tested and came back positive for HSV2. 80% of those who have it, don’t know it. Google that stat if you think I’m kidding.
Jojo says
That is an outright LIE, I was with the same person for 6 years, and always got tested negative, until one day they cheated. You can but not always get Herpes from sleeping around. In fact lots of married women, women in committed relationships acquired herpes from their cheating partner or possibly had it all along, you never know.
Lynn says
NO, Stu…I was NOT sleeping around, my ex-husband was. He also gave me HPV. I was the blind, trusting wife of 20 years and never thought to connect the HPV to him…duh? Then, after we divorced I found out I had herpes. So, I was not a freaking animal; I was a devoted wife to a cheating jackass.
N says
Wow. You sound like a misogynist d-bag! I am positive because when I was 19, my cheating 29 year old asshole of a boyfriend gave it to me. Only the 2nd man I was ever with.
loretta says
Spot on thank you thank you thank you!
Chaka says
I could not agree more, Teri!
Shannon says
I gave it to someone. I have never had an outbreak. It happens. Trust me.
Charli Jones says
My experience & sentiments exactly. In 17yrs with my ex, I never passed it on & in that time we didnt use condoms all the time. Know your body and know when to abstain once in a committed relationship.
Stu says
I love how no woman will take responsibility for themselves…they blame the guy! Don’t be a slut…it’s not a good look!
Sf says
FU!… 17 years, I was faithfully married. He wasn’t.
josh says
Law suit. Lol….. I have one word for you hearsay! !!! All you have to do is say I told the other person Before hand and it’s your word vs his it goes nowhere! !! Big waste of time emotions and money !! Good luck. I know this road all I can say now is. .nothing good
Msbbw says
Lol!
Al says
I think in most states this is a misdemeanor. Derek Jeter was sued for this at least once, maybe more. Which means that Jessica Alba, Scarlet Johannson, Jessica Biel, Jordana Brewster, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Minnillo, Mariah Carey, are all likely infected, plus anyone they’ve dated subsequently. If you Google celebrities with Herpes you’ll be pretty shocked who has it. Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Orlando Bloom, Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Janet Jackson, etc, etc…
Ron says
And by the way, I wouldn’t call herpes “not the big of a deal.” It is a lifelong disease for which there is no cure.
I’d call that a big deal. The common cold is not a big deal.
jac says
Er. Herpes is not a disease it is a virus. The common cold is a virus. Whilst, yes the herpes virus lies dormant in the body it is very common. Anyone who has had Chicken Pox has the virus as that is part of the herpes zoster virus.
stop being so dramatic Ron !
Karl R says
jac said:
“Herpes is not a disease it is a virus.”
It’s a sexually transmitted disease caused by a virus.
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=3732
jac said:
“The common cold is a virus.”
So is ebola. So is HIV.
Do you have a point?
jac said:
“Anyone who has had Chicken Pox has the virus as that is part of the herpes zoster virus.”
And…?
We’re talking about Herpes Simplex Virus 2 (more commonly known as herpes), not Herpes Zoster (more commonly known as shingles). They’re two completely unrelated viruses.
Stu says
Karl R
Nice break down! I’ve noticed a lot of the people saying “it’s no big deal” are the ones that have herpes!
JD says
It is not a big deal in that it’s not going to kill you or hurt your immune system, and is essentially just a skin rash in an unfortunate place. Unlike HIV, HPV, or Syphilis, all of which can become debilitating, causing other chronic illness, and even death.
HeathNo says
It is not a big deal, Ron. It is a skin infection. There are things that threaten your life out there, only one of which you can get from sex and that’s HIV. It is less of a nuisance IME than psoriasis, port wine stains, plantar’s warts and a host of other skin diseases. If you look at the facts and the stats, this is not a big deal. But if you are afraid, it becomes a very big deal. I am not thrilled I have to have this talk with prospective partners, but I am really glad that I’m 1) honest enough to have it; and 2) not dying from this. It’s not cancer, and it’s not HIV….it’s a skin disease. Teri is right. But I’m guessing, again, that men like you – who know nothing about this and are clearly afraid (wait until you find out somebody you slept with has had it) – are not any HSV positive person’s target audience. No thanks. You could not have possibly have enough charm to offset your ignorance or fear.
marymary says
I don’t think it’s a big deal either, it’s like the cold sore virus. It will come out at times of stress, most of the time no symptoms. I think its hard on ppl with compromised immune systems. It’s prob not deadly like the hpv strains that cause cervical and penile cancer, though I expect the two often go together.
There is too much stigma connected to stds which ironically leads to more of them as ppl are secretive and don’t get treated.
Al says
Well, in fact, it IS the cold sore virus. HSV1 and HSV2 are almost identical genetically and both can evidence as oral OR genital depending on where the exposure happens. So, if you date someone with cold sores and engage in oral sex with them you absolutely CAN get genital herpes from it.
Julie says
Its a skin condition. “Outbreaks” are nothing more than a tiny spot of irritated skin. And the longer you have it, the fewer the outbreaks. I’ve had it for 8 years. I’ve told every boyfriend and have given it to no one. It is truly not a big deal. It lasts a lifetime. Well, so does eczema and so do a lot of other conditions. It’s honestly not a big deal and it upsets me how herpes’ reputation causes so much stress on those afflicted with it. No one asked for it- but sometimes, shit happens. And those that freak out over just hearing about their potential mate having it are usually extremely immature and ignorant- and it’s a great warning sign to us to move on from a person like that! 🙂
Al says
Herpes wasn’t even considered a big deal until the 1970s when a huge campaign was released to drum up hysteria over it. Guess who was responsible for that ad campaign? The drug company that had just patented a treatment.
JennLee says
I find your attitude immature. Step out of your present self and think back to before you had the virus. Can you remember? I am sure that you didn’t have a carefree attitude about Genital Herpes. If you are honest with yourself, you will remember that it was a concern.
Like it or not, this is the situation in most cases. For those that have it, you have had to learn to accept the fact that you have it. It is not a big deal to you now. However, for those of us who have not contract the virus, it IS a big deal. We don’t want to expose ourselves to it if we don’t have to. Show some tolerance. We don’t owe you a date, relationship or sex. We have the right to say no thanks, for the simple fact that you have a virus that we do not.
Nobody is saying that everyone who has Herpes is a bad person, you are just a person with Herpes. We do not have it, and want to try to keep it that way. Stop trying to shame us for our very personal choice. We have a right to our choices, just the same as you do.
cootie says
I think back to how immature I was about this disease before I knew I had it..I think the point being made here by ppl who have herpes is that it really isn’t a big deal and ppl like yourself who don’t have the disease are uneducated on what it really is and create anxiety not only in yourself but others who may or may not have the disease… I had no clue what herpes was other than something with no cure..its nasty and gross… Hurts like hell..and just horrible BC I wasn’t educated on what it really was going off of the stigma from ppl like you..but why would you wanna know about this disease you dont have it..but if you educate Yourself on herpes you will find it is NOT a big deal at ALL…but you absolutely have the right to be aware of what you might be subject to..I’m honest with all of my partners and BC I know about the disease they have the best chance if not contracting it…FYI..look up how many ppl are hospitalized due to herpes vs the flu then I want you to look up how many ppl die from herpes vs the flu..hell the stomach virus is worse than herpes… Geesh
Elizabeth says
Good Luck sweetie, if you’re fortunate to always have your partner tell you! Sometimes symptoms aren’t even present and people pass it along and never know. For me, I’m almost 51yo and just found out yesterday! WTF!!! My bf of a year didn’t think it was too damn important to tell me about his history! He has been HSV-2 positive for 30 years and I have known him since high school! Sometimes you get it….and it’s not all wrapped up with a pretty bow-SHIT HAPPENS!
Bee says
JenLee,
are you sure you dont have it? Go and check… You might be surprised.
I had two partners all my life, I divorced because of mu husbands infidelity and did all STD tests
have never had herpes outbreak, neither did he.
I tested positive for both type 1 and 2.
So dont be so sure that you are “all clear” you might be very wrong…
Marin says
Unfortunately, not all outbreaks are like that. I had my first one about 5 months ago, and it was horrible. Several open sores, difficulty urinating and walking was painful. I missed 2 days of work, had to use oral and topical pain medication.
When outbreaks aren’t “visible” it is almost impossible to know you have it.
kaitlyn says
“tiny spots of irritated skin” my ass. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without crying so I did everything I could to not go. I could barely walk with out feeling like I was being ripped apart down there. I was in too much pain to sleep and my symptoms weren’t even close to as bad as some peoples. Just because your outbreaks weren’t bad doesn’t mean everyone else’s aren’t either. And it actually is kinda a big deal. Yeah, you can’t die, but it’s something you have to live with forever and with the stigma on it, I’ll speak for myself, but I feel dirty and gross. I’m too scared to tell anyone because I know the first thing they are going to think is that I’m a slut.
GMG says
I got it like you did. .quite a big deal for me. Was 40 when I got it…very very painful and lots of awful sores all over my crotch. Nightmare! Diagnosed as Type 1. Got it from receiving oral sex. Just once! Don’t even like oral sex. Didn’t have intercourse for years after that…because any friction caused flare-up. And frequent recurrences even without sex. Menstruation, missing sleep, anything…prodrome, terrible fatigue, lesions. Eat a pretzel, eat some crackers, crunchy cereal, any cut in my gums…mouth flare-up. Aches in the teeth and the hips. Even gentle masturbation caused flare-up, lasted for a full week. At 57, finally in relationship with a man who already had it—only way I’d consider intimacy. Minor skin rash? Little red bump? I wish. We seldom have sex because I STILL get relatively frequent flares. No insurance, can’t afford suppressive meds. Minor skin problem? Not for some of us. Major quality of life problem. Not dramatizing—just the truth here.
superAl says
I agree Ron, 100% If my ex gave it to me she has had it!!!
I know, bull crap it is a very big deal. I’m gonna freak if she gave it to me. Results come back next week! I will not sleep until then.
Chaka says
Actually, outside of the discomfort in telling a potential partner, I would prefer the herpes virus to to the cold virus any day. At least with medication, the herpes virus can be kept totally at bay, whereas with a cold, when it enters your body, you are screwed. I would also prefer the herpes virus to a TON of other debilitating, life-changing medical conditions!
Selena says
Given that 1/6 th. of the population has herpes, I wonder if anyone has actually sued a partner and won. How about the other 70+ STD’s? Since so many of them can remain dormant indefinetly, if someone has had more than one partner in their lifetime, how would you even know who to sue?
Can herpes, chlamydia, HPV be detected by a blood test like HIV, hepatitis, and syphyllis? It’s a bit scary to think no matter healthy you may think you, or a partner are, there may be something lurking, ready to pop out.
Also, the commercials say medication doesn’t prevent passing herpes to a partner. Condoms don’t claim 100% effectivness against the spread either.
Big deal I suppose is defined by one’s own perception. The common cold can kill people with a weak immune system. That could be considered a big deal to those affected. While having a herpes sore could be considered more of an annoyance.
JD says
Yes, herpes can be detested in a blood test and is the only way to confirm infection if there is no active outbreak. But I doubt it can be “tracked” like HIV sometimes can be. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a lawsuit involving someone suing over getting it, because I don’t think there is a way to prove who you got it from (even though certain tests can give an estimated time on how long you’ve had it, but not specific enough to hold up in court).
Al says
Yes, there is a blood test for all of the above, though the HPV test is oddly not available for men, just women, even though they are half responsible for spreading it. You CAN have someone charged with a misdemeanor or sue but it may not be easy or worthwhile.
And you are correct that even wearing a condom does not protect you 100% from catching herpes because it can be in the skin around the genitals or in the mouth.
Dd says
I don’t think you can actually sue another partner. When you get tested for herpes, 1st you have to request that specific test. Herpes is so common doctors only test the importsnt dangerous ones ex. Hiv,aids clymedia etc. No request no test.
2. When you do get tested it shows its in your system. It does not show how long its been there.
One year you get a test. The second year your gf or bf says they have it. U get tested. U ask for that particular. U Have it. Now think the first test u got dine. Did u ask for it.
Ur grandmother with hsv 1 kissing the baby all the time can even transmit it with out even knowing.
Jane says
I’ve had herpes for many years and have had to have the conversation. Not one time was it a deal breaker and each time I was thanked for letting him know in advance.
Having herpes is personal information and you are not required to tell anyone until you know that you want to take that next step into the wonderland. If you know that soon, then tell soon. Absolutely.
I have never given it to anyone. I have always been careful and respectful of my partners. I was very unhappy to get it but I have a lot to offer and what I have to offer by far supersedes herpes.
I have told my partners with a face to face convo, letter or email titled disclosure. The usual response is–not an issue–if he knows something about it or he may ask questions to know what he can expect.
It is unfortunate thing to have, no doubt, but, as time goes on it lessens. I have an outbreak every 2 years or more. So, look at it this way: you have coldsores in an unfortunate place that puts you out of sexual contact for a week or so once a year, or two years, more. geez. And, if you care to, there are certainly other adventures you can provide that your partner can enjoy during that week.
Be strong, be sure. The guys who would not see beyond this and care for you anyway, in fact, appreciate what it says about who you are as a responsible woman, aren’t the guys you want anyway. Who wants to be with someone who can’t be rational about his fears?
kate says
Thank you. I just told someone and I have not heard back from him since and am very sad about it. I really appreciate what you said. It helped me a lot.
not jane says
Well according to Jane that guy “can’t be rational about his fears” whatever that means in her sugar coated world. The same world this author is in who thinks you simply take medication and are suddenly not contagious. Great advice. Facts: it sucks, I’m in the angry stage, and I’m really sorry you’re bumbed.
Mary Doe Rae Me says
I agree with you “not Jane”. It completely sucks. Without sounding like I’m full of myself, guys ask me out all the time. I’m good looking, have a great body and am full of energy, drive and ambition. I’m very successful in my career. I’m also 55 and was given this “great gift” when I was sexually assaulted two years ago. I’ve been with 3 men my whole life. One, my ex-husband and two after my divorce – count that 3 in my lifetime. Whenever I have gotten close enough to wanting/having sex and have told my “boyfriend”, I get rejected. That’s the REAL facts about this disease! JANE and anyone else out there…..there is not much hope in having a “normal” sex life after you get this MONSTER of a DIS-EASE. Because being DISEASED is all you are! It doesn’t matter about anything else you have to offer. WHO wants to ever take the risk of getting it from you…..I wouldn’t. If I guy had told me before I got it, would I have had sex with him?….HELL NO!!! It ruins….absolutely ruins your life. I’m tormented by the fact everyday.
Al says
Mary, I am so sorry you have been treated this way by men. I can tell you that I have not experienced the same reactions AT ALL. So far almost everyone I have told (and it was a lot at first to get over the fear) has wanted to continue seeing me. Only one took a pass on dating, but he still messages me every now and then as a friend. Everyone has been really decent about it. If I ever got a nasty reaction I’m sure it would sting, but I’d know that guy was a grade a prick who was best avoided anyway.
HLT says
Jane is correct. I am H- and have been seeing a guy a few months. We have been using condoms and decided to do an STD screening so we could clear ourselves and go condom free. He was surprised by an H+ (type 2) result. I didn’t freak out, but he did. I told him we just needed information. Turns out that in discordant couples (one positive, one negative), without taking any precautions–such as condoms or suppressive medication–just avoiding sex during obvious outbreaks), the transmission rate is between 8.5 to 10% PER YEAR with an average of 2 sex acts per week. Add a correctly and consistently used condom, and you cut that rate in half–to 4-5% PER YEAR. Add suppressive meds and you cut that rate in half to 2% PER YEAR. This is the same rate as pregnancy risk with condoms, that people take ALL THE TIME. And it’s better than the HIV protection rates–which at their highest are 95% protection. Anytime you have sex with someone using a condom without an STD screening (and know that the screening won’t show recent infections–so even that isn’t perfect), you put yourself at all these risks. The only way to have no risk is to not have sex at all. And even with a “monogamous” “disease-free” partner–you’re assuming they’re not going to cheat–because, nobody in a committed relationship ever cheats, right?
If a partner agrees to this low risk of transmission, and does end up infected, they will have a viral infection that is so benign that 90% of the time people don’t even realize they have it. So, a 5% chance of catching a disease that only causes noticeable symptoms in 10% of the people who contract it. And even then the symptoms aren’t usually severe. In most cases–by a country mile–it poses no serious health risks to anyone who contracts it.
I have zero fear about continuing my relationship with my new partner as long as we continue to properly use condoms. And in some studies, couples who reported consistent and correct use of condoms had zero increase in transmission rates connected to each protected sex act (whereas every unprotected act came with significant increase in risk). I think people are highly irrational about HSV, and it’s mainly due to ignorance and prejudice and just the fact that many people are emotionally, rather than reasonably led. Fear is hard to overcome for some people–it simply controls them. They are OK taking this risk if it’s unknown to them–every time they have sex, even with a condom–but tell them their partner has HSV, and suddenly they’re not “willing to take that risk.” Newsflash, if you ever had sex with ANYONE with a condom that didn’t show you an STD screening after a few months of abstinence with any other partner–you DID agree to take the risk.
Al says
Brilliant! You summed that up perfectly.
“If you ever had sex with ANYONE with a condom that didn’t show you an STD screening after a few months of abstinence with any other partner—you DID agree to take the risk.”
How many people do ALL of the above before they sleep with someone? Very, very few I’m sure!
Marin says
What do you do about oral sex?
Jules says
The one thing I’ve noticed is if you can find someone to accept you, that oral sex is out of the question for a woman. They don’t have the problem put their penis inside of you but they don’t want to give you oral sex. Yet they are ok with asking you to do it to them. Another question I have found to be equally annoying is the assumption that anal sex is safe. There are just a lot of uneducated people who even when you give them information to read are still not wanting to take the risk. And that’s their choice. But sadly people with “the gift” will be passed over by people who claim they do not have it
dee says
That’s the response I got. …click! Scared to tell the new guy but I know I have to! Scared to fall in love because of the possibility of rejection. But I am more than herpes. It sucks when guys don’t see that.
Nikki says
Kate, I’m sorry you hadn’t heard back from him. I have to tell someone today, it’s always scary because you don’t know how they will react. And I got it from my cheating ex-husband. Hopefully he will be ok with it, I’ve only had to tell a few guys in the last 20 years I’ve had it, they were all ok with it.
Leah says
Well, I’ll tell you about one experience I had. I went out with this guy, things started to get hot & heavy, and he says “before we do this, I have to tell you something.” Let me say, I was GRATEFUL that he had said something, but it also was NOT the right moment! At that moment, it was a deal-breaker for me because I was not able to find out anything about it before I took that step with him.
When I did do some research, I found out that it *can* be transmitted, even while properly medicated. The chances are slim, but still there. I decided I didn’t want to risk it, with him. The perfect guy out there for me may have herpes, and I may see things differently. But for now, and with that one particular guy, I’m not willing to risk it. That’s just my opinion.
Jay says
Yes, women tend to be complete cowards about the issue and run away at full speed.
Buck25 says
Jay,
Yes, SOME of them do; but in fairness, so do SOME men. Let’s not act like women have some monopoly on fear and ignorance…because they don’t. This is just a viral skin infection, for heaven’s sake. It’s not something any of us who don’t have it would WANT to contract; but let’s not make it a bigger deal than getting cold sores (yeah, you keep that forever too), because frankly, it isn’t. Incidentally, unless you’ve been tested for it, AND haven’t had sex with a new partner since, you can’t be sure YOU don’t have it, no matter which gender you are.
Incidentally, you did know that any woman who has sex with a man runs the risk of contracting HPV (Human Papilloma Virus), right? That is something that has far more serious consequences for them (as in potentially, cervical cancer) than a nuisance skin rash. HPV can be and often is asymptomatic in males, and as of now, there’s no test for it in men, so for all you or I know, WE might be exposing every female partner we have to something far more consequential than HSV-2, even if we test negative for everything else.
Moral of story: get tested! Ignorance is NOT bliss, anyone CAN have it and be asymptomatic, and the easiest way to give HSV-2 to your partner is to not know you have it in the first place. And if you do test positive, know that it’s not the end of the world; just inform any potential partners before you have sexual contact, and do your part to protect them; it’s not foolproof, but it beats doing nothing. Ignorance and unwarranted hysteria are far worse, and do a lot more real damage to both men and women, than HSV-2.
Al says
Well, OK, but like HLT said above: “If you ever have sex with ANYONE (even) with a condom that doesn’t show you an STD screening after a few months of abstinence with any other partner—you DO agree to take the risk.”
Keep that in mind for your future sexual decisions.
zann says
I think the most critical phrase mentioned in this post is that of “staggering ignorace.” I am relatively symptom-free “carrier” of herpes and was unknowingly infected by my ex-husband, to whom I was married and faithful for 20 years. He was also unknowingly infected, because he was symptom-free when he met me. This was in the early 1970’s when not as much was known about herpes. If you didn’t have symptoms, you were told by vd clinics that you were not infected and therefore could not infect others.
But I’m always amazed by what many people think herpes is, with some even thinking it’s a life-threatening, “flesh-eating” disease. Even more amazing is the hypocrisy — singles will have non-safe sex, trusting a new partner’s word on being HIV negative, and yet launch into a victimization freak-fest if they later find out their new partner may have herpes. This ignorance of facts makes the most rational people become very judgmental about the ethics, morals, and even hygene of those with herpes. It’s ridiculous, it’s demeaning, and I’m tired of it.
I do disclose early on if I think the relationship has any potential in moving into sexual intimacy. I’m ready with accurate information but also advise that the man not take my word for it and that he gather independent information, on-line or through a doctor, if he feels at all ambivalent; however, be aware that there is contradicting and mis-information out there.
I would like some clarity, though, on this issue of whether I can infect someone else if I am symptom-free and on medication. According to my own physician, if I plan to be sexually intimate, I should start medication; otherwise, I would take medication only if I am symptomatic. I have read differing opinions on this.
And to Ron — who posted earlier — and anyone else who follows his line of indignant, self-righteous thinking: Get over yourself. Good luck trying to sue anyone for possibly spreading herpes symplex to you. And before you do, get yourself tested just in case (horror of horrors!) you, yourself are infected and unwittingly spreading it to others. The majority of people with herpes have no idea where they got it, and you can be pretty sure they didn’t choose to be infected.
Fortunately, I have only had one negative reaction from a man I’ve disclosed to, but it was so extremely negative and shaming that it stopped me from dating for quite a while because I feared a similar reaction from the next guy I might get close to. But I’m heartened by what I read here, and I believe that if a man refuses to seek a relationship with me based on my disclosure of herpes, it’s certainly his right, but it’s also his loss, because judging anyone based solely on factors out of their control (like color of hair, height, ethnic background, etc.) is going to eliminate someone who may potentially be a very good partner for you. But if you do decide against an intimate relationship with someone you’ve met, based upon their having herpes, at least do as a result of having all the correct information and without condemning or being judgmental.
Thanks to all who’ve shared their experiences.
Al says
Antivirals do cut down on shedding to a very large degree, but they do not eliminate the risk of infecting someone completely. However, Condoms, avoiding contact during outbreaks and taking antivirals cuts the chances down to almost nil. I know three couples where one partner is infected and the other isn’t even after ten years together.
Selena says
Leah,
You make a very good case for getting to know someone at least fairly well before being intimate with them. Conditions of any kind, sexual or otherwise, are more easily accepted with someone you’ve come to care for, rather than just barely know.
sallynyc says
I would have to agree with the guys ….herpes IS a big deal. This is information I would want to know by the third or fouth date…b/c if you’ve made it that far you probably have good chemistry and want to take it to the next level. Even if you can’t catch it when on medictaion you have to disclose it!
Ron says
zann-
there was nothing in my post that made a moralistic judgment about those who have herpes. Obviously, you are projecting onto others by calling me self-righteous.
Perhaps you have some issues you are dealing with. If you want a self-righteous post, I’ll be happy to give you one. But that comment by me earlier was not self-righteous.
T says
What are the risks to a man who is performing oral sex on a woman? If the woman does not have a visible outbreak in the vagina, is it OK?
JD says
There is a small risk, but there haven’t been any studies done, so there are no numbers/ stats on it. So we don’t know how possible it is compared to sex with a condom vs sex without a condom, etc. Just be aware, and use a dental dam is the safest option.
HLT says
Dental dams are generally prescribed to stop HSV-1 spread to genitals. In HSV-2, the instance of transmission orally is so rare we don’t even have reliable stats on it. In researching this, I found some clinics reporting patients presenting this in the single digits, and some doctors who called HSV-2 oral infection a myth. While I might not go as far as to agree it’s myth, HSV-2 is simply not well suited to oral transmission, and is nearly unheard of. And this goes for both ways–people with HSV-2 passing it to a partner orally or giving it to a partner through the H- partner performing oral sex. I mean, I’d avoid it during an outbreak–when a person is most contagious–but I’d avoid any sexual contact during that time. Still, it’s exceedingly rare to even see an HSV-2 oral infection at all. And in one study of college populations, they found no instances of it at all, even though oral sex was prevalent and both HSV-1 and 2 were in the population. Google “Lack of oral HSV-2 in a college student population.” And don’t take anecdotal stories as “evidence.” I have seen several online forums where people posted to claim they had HSV-2 oral infections, and when questioned or tested further, discovered it was type 1, not type-2–which makes FAR more sense. So, to answer your question, it’s theoretically possible (and RARE at best), but HIGHLY unlikely there would be an HSV-2 oral transmission.
HeathNo says
Well, let’s just say you need a LOT of friction to spread herpes. And oral sex does not meet the standard, at least in MY case. Not only has nobody contracted from performing oral on me, but in my own masturbation, which can include genital to mouth contact for lubrication, I have never gotten a canker sore. And I’ve had this ten years maybe. So….again, men are considered more potent transmitters because of their plumbing. I’d say it’s safe. I’d say it’s even safer with antivirals. I think oral sex with a dental dam is …well unrealistic. Again, just me. If you care for this person, let that be the deciding factor. Again, it’s just a skin infection. Responsible monitoring and abstinence can make the disease entirely manageable between even discordant partners.
downtowngal says
“He will not catch it since you take drugs ….” Evan can you confirm whether someone with herpes on medication CANNOT infect a partner? There seems to be some confusion over this, esp given that this is a public site.
Also, does anyone know the ratio or men to women who contract herpes? I heard that women have more frequent outbreaks and/or have a greater chance of being infected than men because of our physiology but men are more frequently carriers. I know this is true with genital warts… not that this will change anything but I’m just curious.
jenna says
Actually, the medication helps to prevent another person from catching it, but it is not 100% and they could still get it, and anyone with Herpes should make your possible partner aware of this, too.
Bennie says
For the great majority of people, Herpes is as big or as little a deal as you want to make it. Technically its a skin condition that often, but not always, is spread sexually. I found out that I was infected w/ type 1 & 2 herpes many years ago, no idea for how long because although I had taken batteries of STD tests several times over the years, these had not previously included the herpes test.
Never had an outbreak, so for me its not a problem. Never had a lover reject me because of it either. And to my knowledge I’ve never infected anyone else either.
To T and anyone else that wants to know what the risks are, what is the % chance you can catch it from a particular sex act, the truth is no one can tell you. I’ve gotten greatly different answers from different doctors (some have even told me that since I don’t have symptoms I don’t really have herpes, I’ve just been exposed to it, whatever that means), so even the experts aren’t clear on it. Any skin to skin contact with friction can potentially spread herpes; do a Google search for “Herpes Gladiatorum” if you are curious.
For most people sex is important enough to take some risks; if you really care about the person you’d be a fool to let an annoying skin condition come between you.
paula quinn says
This is the most balanced, truthful and realistic reply here. Thanks.. Paulaq
S says
Jen,
Great question. You are not alone. I also have genital HSVII. Since testing positive I have told 3 men. All 3 were fine with it. Despite my anxiety, the conversations took a few minutes. I found some advice on telling at the website http://www.racoon.com/herpes/. Evan got it right. It’s about your attitude while telling and about having accurate facts.
Since others have asked, below is some basic herpes info. There is a lot of misinformation out there and many doctors are not up to date. (Bernie you have herpes—there is no such thing as being a “carrier”)
There are 2 different viruses. HSV1 and HSV2. As Evan wrote 50-80% of the population has HSV1. HSV1 most commonly presents itself orally as a cold sore. It is possible to have HSV1 genitally.
1 in 5 people have HSV2. 80% of those infected do NOT know!! When you ask your doctor for STD screening, you will NOT be checked for Herpes. This is because it’s so common the medical community has decided to not routinely screen. (if you want to be tested ask for a type specific herpes test- this tests for type 1 and 2)
Transmission Summary:
Female to male Transmission
No condoms, No antiviral 4% chance of transmission.
Condoms, no antiviral 2% chance of transmission
Condoms + antiviral
Jay says
Such nonsense. Men don’t care, and women do… In general.
Josie says
I have disclosed to several men after receiving HSVII from my serious ex boyfriend 5 years ago. None have had an issue with it. I generally wait til the 3rd or 4th date because that is the point at which I will usually know if a man is even worthy of disclosure.
I explain the statistics, and how my immune system is currently keeping the virus at bay without drugs, and that I know my “triggers” which may cause an outbreak (drinking too much alcohol over multiple days is the big one). I explain that I would be happy to go on an antiviral drug (Valtrex) to reduce the risk of transmission, if our relationship moved to the physical level.
There is a good website called the H Opportunity (Google it) which provides a forum for discussion and information on statistics, and support.
S says
continued…
Condoms + antiviral
Angel says
Jen…
You ask a great question, one that I have dealt with myself. I am a 43-year-old woman that has had herpes for over 15 years. I *always* told my partners about my “gift that keeps on giving”. Evan is right… the bigger deal you make of it, the more likely you will freak out the person you are talking to.
Most of my partners were very grateful to hear what they would be exposed to, and there were no adverse side effects. Only one man was hesitant – to the point of breaking it off with me – but he still thanked me for letting him know before we got physical.
It all comes down to this… we both have a disease for which there is no cure. It isn’t an ideal situation, but it could be so much worse – and you are deifinitely not alone. Above all else, please know that it is your absolute responsibility to let potential partners know about your condition, and let them make that final choice without judgement.
Peace!
Kat Wilder says
When it comes to any kind of STD, you have to let a potential partner know. Period. He/she needs to have the right to decide what’s OK and what’s not for him/her (and any sexually active person should already know all about STDs and HIV so there are no “how do I handle this?” moments that’s just being smart and safe.)
If it’s a deal-breaker, so be it.
But this speaks to the bigger issue of getting to know someone before getting intimate. Sharing something as complicated as “I have herpes” involves a level of trust and honesty, and that takes time.
CB says
Thank you to Jen, Evan, & all of the fellow herpes carriers who were brave enough to share their experiences and advice. I found out that I had herpes over a year & a half ago. I told my ex-boyfriend, who did not react well, but was also tested & did not have it. I have finally met someone who I like & need to tell, but it is not easy. After reading Jen’s letter & all the responses, I am prepared to tell this guy at our next date and not make such a big deal out of it. Thanks again & happy new year to all of you!
CN says
I have had herpes for over 20 years. My ex-husband transmitted it to me early in our marriage. He was unaware he had it. As noted above, the most reliable information does not come from the medical community who I have found to not be up to date.
For those of you who were confused about the “antiviral”, there is an antiviral gel that has been developed for use with a condom and can protect areas not covered by a condom for both men and women. Please see the following website:
http://www.oceanusbrands.com/home.htm
This can also protect against other STD’s not just herpes. Also, herpes can be transmitted even when on appropriate medication.
lilmiss says
Telling is what you make it. I’ve had this over 25 years and always had a positive results.
Herpes is NOT part of the standard STD tests…Many that have it don’t realize they have it. The idea of suing is ridiculous as one would need to PROVE they never had sex with anyone else and show for a fact they did not have it. Herpes can lay dormant for years.
To me it is NOT a big deal and only a minor irritation. It is INCORRECT to say there is NO chance of spreading it while on anti-virals. There is ALWAYS the risk.
J says
I have herpes and had sex twice with someone I want to continue to have sex with. I just can’t tell him. This is a purely sexual relationship, he’s much younger than me. I just can’t do it I’m too embarrased and the fear of him rejecting me consumes me. The fear of giving it to him is great also. I’m torn.
will says
u should join a herpes dating site and find a guy who also has it.
C says
You need to tell him. You need to apologize for putting him at risk and you need to tell him ASAP. Unbelievable. Condoms may not protect him. You are withholding information that pertains to and could compromise his health and well-being. How selfish can you be to not tell your partner?
Al says
Your fear of rejection does not trump his right to make the decision about whether not not exposure is acceptable to him. Stop being a selfish coward and tell the boy. Be prepared though. He’s probably going to be seriously pissed at you for witholding this from him and rightly so. Shame on you.
Stacy says
STOP having sex with him immediately. It’s wrong and you are scum to do it. It’s people like you spreading it that make me sick. How can you look in the mirror for doing that to someone. He has a right to know. This devastates people emotionally. How selfish can you be? SHAME ON YOU!
J says
Please Note: The person who posted the last comment – #21 – is not the “J” who has posted voluminous comments under other subjects. There is nothing wrong with what this person has posted using the same “Name” as me – and certainly “J” is not an original name on my part -but given that theirs is a very personal comment that is theirs alone and does not reflect my experience or my health condition (in this case, that would be lack of, for me) I felt the need to clarify. Guess I will need to find myself a different moniker to post under … I do hope the person who posted comment 21 figures it out. Though I don’t believe you can have something like that and not be upfront. Difficult as that would be, if he finds out and he knows you knew and you didn’t tell him, you may well lose him anyway and chances are he will be angry. Then you will be hurt and embarrassed and rightly so on the embarrassed front for not telling him something that clearly affects his health and welfare (for now and his future) too.
Formerly J says
Hi – also left comment 22 (about not being the poster in #21) – I did want to clarify that I am not dissing people who do have herpes – I think it may well be more people than not it is so hard to detect and is so prevalent now. It is the no disclosure policy of someone that does know they are infected who doesn’t inform someone they are intimate with – preferably ahead of time – that I don’t condone. I give anyone who is upfront about this a great deal of credit- especially anyone who has also notified past partners upon diagnosis. And I think the posts on this topic were very helpful as well as informative. I appreciate the candor of these folks.
Devon says
I have had HPVII since I was 19, the very first time I had sex. After I was diagnosed, I talked to my “first” boyfriend and he denied it. He said I got it from some one else! Yeah what a jerk! He knew he had it and then denied it when he given it to me.
Since then, I am 37 now, I have only had one man that didn’t want to be bothered. You may ask yourself when do you tell someone…well the answer is when you feel ready to. ALWAYS BEFORE SEX!!!!
At first, I would tell a potential lover that I had it on the first date. All of them were cool with it. Then internet dating came along. I had been talkin to Tim for about 6 months. We met, great chemistry, only kissed. After we met, he wanted to see me more and explore other levels of our relationship. I told him. He broke up with me over a text message. I was hurt for a while, but I got over it.
Now that I am internet dating, not just looking for sex, I disclose it in my first email. I look at it this way, no time is really invested in him, if he isn’t comfortable with your “situation” he can dismiss it and you can move on. However, it ultimately comes down to preference. I have told potential lovers in person as well, it almost seemed as if they were saying to me….ok, can we move on now.
Yes HPVII is uncurable, it can still be transmitted even when you are on medication and no signs of an outbreak. Always practice safe sex PERIOD!
The chances of some one suing your becuase you have HPVII is slim to none, but, if you are involved in a realtionship and it ends up in marriage and you did not disclose that information about you beforehand, YOU CAN BE SUED and divorced in a hearbeat!!!
There are also special dietary supplements that can keep your HPVII at bay along with Valtrex and Famvir, and of course a lower stress level! Good luck with the latter.
Don’t be afraid to have an “adult” conversation about your HPVII, it is only RIGHT to tell a potential partner. Be there for them when they have questions, sending them to a website can freak them out! Yes you may have to modify your sexual repitoire, but, your partner will have respect and trust for you in the end.
Ed Farnsworth says
Speaking as a man who has never had a cold sore. The reason 1/6 of the population has herpes is because of the attitude of some of the carriers on this site. I always ask potential partners before any sexual contact if they have ever had an std. If they answer affirmatively… fine, I’m gone and they have my sympathy. But I was lied to once by a woman who thought that putting me at risk for this incurable disease was “no big deal.” What scum! A warning to the healthy. Women who have herpes will lie to you when you ask them if they have it.
JD says
Have you been continually and specifically tested for HSV? If not, then you could be one of the 80% of people that don’t know they have it. Never having a cold sore doesn’t mean diddly : /
But let’s say you are tested for it regularly (even though it’s not included in your standard STD panel, so if you’ve never asked for it, you’ve never been tested) and you don’t have it.
So ONE woman lied to you, so you make this sweeping accusation that women who have it WILL lie? Sorry, that’s utter bullshit. That was ONE PERSON.
HLT says
> I always ask potential partners before any sexual contact if they have ever had an std.
That’s your screening process? Do you realize 90% of HSV2+ people don’t know they have it and show no symptoms (but are still contagious)? And you consider yourself safe/responsible? I’m not afraid of HSV, but you can bet I don’t take anyone’s “word” on whether or not they have an STD. I demand a screening, and I supply one–paperwork to their face. I do not do it in order to find a reason to reject a partner. I do it when I think we’re ready to move on to a more intimate space in the relationship and I like the person. At that point, I’m willing to work with them to have safe sex, based on the results of the screening. My current partner tested HSV-2+, and had no clue he had it. I told him I’m not freaked out, and I’m not going anywhere. He currently isn’t sure he’s OK continuing to see me, because *he* is scared of infecting me, despite low transmission rates if we’re careful. I’m trying to convince him to calm down and be more rational, since I know there will always be some risk if I’m sexually active, no matter how careful I try to be. In his case, we’re aware and can take steps to mitigate to acceptable levels. And the fact he’s concerned about possibly infecting anyone else only makes me more aware of what a great guy I’m dealing with.
Al says
80% of people with either HSV1 or HSV2 have no idea they have it so asking them is pointless. Using a condom is also not foolproof. So, if you have ever had sex even once in your life, protected or otherwise, you could be the one infected.
Have you had a blood test? Because , if not, you have zero idea if you yourself aren’t the one passing this around and wouldn’t that be an amusing discovery for you? Well, unless you’re abstinent.
And all Women who have Herpes do NOT lie about it. Just like all men aren’t uninformed ignoramuses (thank goodness).
Jared Meyer says
“Drug and Disease Free”
I’ve had my eye on the profiles of single woman online and I’ve never seen any of them include the notation of “drug and disease free.” Then again I’ve rarely be proactive and searched for them.
Are addictions and health conditions so personal that most people don’t share this intimate information until after hopes have been built and care has been developed?
From a romantic/love development standpoint, it makes sense to wait until it’s right to talk about health. From a humanitarian standpoint, however, to me – it makes sense to put all the cards on the deck to determine the best match of two candidates. We’re often not as selective as we really could be and our efforts are sometimes extended due to lacking information we “could have used yesterday.”
Within our online profiles, we share income, religious beliefs, our diet, and smoking habits. What’s holding us back from sharing more information like addictions and health conditions? Fear and embarrassment.
Imagine a nation where most people provided more understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance – essentially more love. We’d be less angry, ignorant, and mean-spirited, and could make better decisions with regard to all areas of our lives beyond health and love.
I hope to read more posts with less ego and more compassion. Have you ever considered that no one is right and no one is wrong? We just are who we choose to be and that we want to know or believe whatever we feel is best for us.
Cynthia says
Jeez. I am *so* envious of those of you who have had decent reactions from those you’ve told. I have told three men now since I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. All three have had varying levels of poor reactions to it. I’m starting to feel like a leper.
None of the three expressed any regret that I had H, concern for my well-being, nor respect or appreciation for the fact that I cared enough about their welfare to tell them. It was all about them! *Their* risk, how this would effect *them*. If someone tells you they have a disease, for god sake part of your reaction *should* be to say that you’re sorry to hear that! I can’t imagine someone being told that their friend has cancer, and omitting any sense of concern for that person and just focusing on how it would effect them (“Damn! I guess that means I’ll have to be inconvenienced by spending time at your sickbed!”).
A couple of the men I told immediately took intercourse off the table, without asking question one about H (and they weren’t educated about it) but just presumed I would do other sexual activities with them. Hello?! I am a partner in this relationship as well. You don’t just get to dictate to me what we’ll be doing and presume I’ll be fine with that. And if someone isn’t even open to the possibility that I am worth taking a small risk for (and having protected sex with a person who is not having an outbreak IS a small risk), if I’m so unspecial and unimportant to them and our relationship is not meaningful enough to be worth it, then I don’t want to be with them in any capacity.
One of them initially said he was ok with it, but then got cold feet *without telling me* (couldn’t be bothered to reciprocate my honesty) and instead of having intercourse and/or cunnilingus as we’d talked about, I just gave him a BJ, he fingered me, and that was it. Leaving me confused until I pointedly asked if that was the reason.
One of them actually critiqued the timing of when I chose to tell him! The way I see it, you cannot win. If you tell someone “too soon” they may consider it TMI; if you wait too long, they may feel strung along (the actual words used were “left it waiting like a time bomb”). And there is no getting inside that person’s head and knowing exactly when they’d want to be told. Critiquing someone’s timing is an unbelievably tacky way to respond to someone who has been caring and daring enough to have this difficult conversation.
In short, I am still waiting to be treated as honorably as I have continued to treat my potential sexual partners.
Yes, it’s important for those with Herpes to tell their potential partners, as this article points out… but I’d like to see it stressed that it’s just as important for those potential partners to react with compassion and open-mindedness. The reason there are people out there who don’t tell is because they are tired of being made to feel like lepers. Respect and concern is a two way street. Or should be!!
Jay says
I recently told a girl and she started to cry. She had had it in her head that we were going to be in a relationship, but this had killed it for her. Seriously, wtf is wrong with people?
Al says
Sorry for being so blunt but… I have to wonder why you were interested in men who were this narcissistic to begin with. Clearly, their self absorption isn’t limited to their reactions to the herpes, but to their very natures. I mean, what kind of person expects someone to be their one sided sex distributor? Seriously??? These guys were world class jerks to begin with. Maybe the real issue isn’t that you’ve been unlucky enough to get bad reactions, but that you have been selecting truly rotten men.
kehinde adrtula says
How is it going for you now have you found anyone that accepts you for you?
anonymous says
Wow what a world we live in. Ppl that, when they expose their STD+ status to their partners, get angry when that person doesn’t want to have sexual relationships or take a risk to be with them in that way. Um, yeah, as a woman I can tell you if a guy tells me he has an STD I’m gone, I don’t care if we are in a committed/exclusive relationship status. I am not exposing myself to a virus that will cause issues for me and any future partners should our relationship not last. And I can’t believe that so many men don’t care that the woman has an STD. That they are willing to expose themselves to this just to get sex.
Michael Ejercito says
Cynthia,
Have you met any other men with herpes?
Dave says
I got it from my girlfriend. She didn’t tell me she had it when we started dating, she didn’t tell me she had it when we moved in together. When I found a bottle of Valtrex she had stashed, the sores on my package made sense and I visited my doctor. He told me yes indeed I had the Herpes. At which time I confronted her about her Valtrex bottle, and she denied it was for herpes, she attempted to tell me she had Valtrex for shingles and the occasional oral outbreak but no way did she have genital herpes. She even tried to push it back on me and say how did I know I didnt have it and gave it to her. Now I am not stupid but for a moment I pondered the idea. I have stayed with this woman for 4 years since finding out, more or less I am afraid to try to find someone else. Those Valtrex commercials are complete lies for a guy to have it and a woman who doesn’t? He might as well have AIDS. So recently, this nasty woman decides she isn’t getting her way and we should break up. I want to take her to court, she has ruined me. Just to make sure, I called my ex girlfriend I had before this woman and guess what? No herpes–never had it she is even going to go get tested and send me the results to take to my lawyer.
JD says
Truth is, you could have had it before you even met her. There is no way to prove you didn’t. It sucks that she didn’t tell you, regardless of if she actually infected you. Just dump her lying ass, and move on.
On the other hand, it is nothing close to like having AIDS, stop being so fucking melodramatic. Herpes isn’t going to kill you, it’s a fucking rash. It’s annoying, and she should have told you. But seriously, get over it.
Jay says
You stayed with her? Good god
Al says
Yeah, sorry, but your lawyer is going to tell you that staying with her for four years after finding out is akin to something called “Condonation,” meaning you knew about it and stuck around anyway. It’s essentially consent. Sure, it was a crappy thing for her to do but getting pissed about it only after she broke up with you seems like retribution for the break up.
Sc says
You absolutely will not get anywhere with suing after discovering the truth and then continuing the relationship for another four years. Furthermore, not that it makes a difference, but you do realize that she could have given you genital herpes thorough oral sex if she had it orally, right?
SUNSHINE says
Hello, I am 28 year old female. I am pretty much scared. I’ve known I’ve had herpes for about 2 years now and as much as I read about it, it freaks me out and scares me because I plan to have kids. I’ve only been with 4 guys my whole life. I have friends who sleep around often and can never quit figure out “why me”. I have child hood friend of mine, more of a friend of the family. I’ve known for years that he was interested in me however, we just never connected. I was always with someone and so was he. Recently I found out he’s in the army and we’ve connected. We’ve been talking every day and I can’t believe I never got to know him better. We have grown very close and he talks alot of us moving to be together after If finish college at home. He will be making a visit in a few months. I don’t know if I am to tell him via email, over the phone or face to face. I am soo scared he will look at me differently and hate me.
Melissa says
Sunshine,
I would recommend telling him face to face or by phone. Don’t do it via text or email, you don’t want this information out there. When I was dating my husband, I told him that I had to tell him something while we were on the phone. He got so nervous that he made me tell him; so that’s how I ended up telling him.
Make sure he likes you alot and vice versa. You don’t want to tell him your business if you are unsure.
As for having children… I use to be scared too until I became a Labor and Delivery RN. You wouldn’t believe the amount of ladies that have a natural delivery even though they have HSV2. But, this is only allowed if they don’t have outbreaks.
NYC says
I think it’s not fair to say “If a man can’t see through the herpes then he’s not really someone who cares, etc.” Guys, herpes is not medically serious, but for a subset of people it really adversely affects their life. Someone made a comment saying that it’s not fair to judge someone based on height, ethnicity, hair color, etc, so similarly it’s bad to judge someone based on having herpes. I don’t think people are judging or looking down on others. But look – if I marry someone with brown hair or with different color skin, it doesn’t result in painful sores. Herpes usually is mild or not even significant, but nobody knows how their body will react to it. I understand that it’s easy to rationalize “if he loves me then he won’t care too much about me having it” but I don’t think it’s that simple. It’s not simple because it’s something that affects the other partner for their whole life. I would say DON’T JUDGE someone who considers it a dealbreaker.
George says
I was a virgin (by choice) tll my mid 20’s when i got married. A few years later that went south, and after the divorce was final, on the rebound I started having sex with just about any cute chick I met at the bar. I was the epitome of the male slut… I tried a comdom the first time, but after years of never wearing one, I hated it and was stupid enough to stop wearing them. You’d be surprised how many women out there don’t care, or if you try to wear one, don’t want you to.
Anyways, then I got into a serious relationship, and we both got checked and were both clean. Then after we broke up, i had a one night stand. Eventually me an my ex got back together, and about a week later I told her I had had a one night stand while we were broken up. Well, we both went to the doctor, again, and yup, i got it from the one night stand. So my gf called my one night stand and it turns out the one night stand knew she had herpes and didn’t tell me. (She thought she had been ‘cured’ of it) Yeah, we thought of suing, but it wasn’t worth the time or hassle. So far the absolute worst part of all of this has been that I gave it to someone else, not knowing that I had it. I can only imagine how it would feel to give it to someone knowing I had it. I would never ever risk it now that I know that i have it. My gf felt like she had just become a second class citizen or a leper and it was all my fault. Try imagining how it would feel to tell the person you love as they sit there crying that you gave them herpes! (I reiterate I didn’t know i had it at the time, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it).
Well, now I”m not with my ex anymore (Not because of that, other issues), and am now back into the dating scene, but this time with my new “little friend” 🙁
The first outbreak I had was painful as hell, lasted like two weeks and made peeing burn like hell. Now that I’ve learned to deal with the it sin’t so bad. I pop a few valtrex, rub some acyclovir (you can get the creme in mexico for $5 a tube) and it is gone in two to three days tops. As far as having herpes, I could have been a whole lot worse. HIV will kill you, and other stuff like cyphalis will really mess you up if you don’t treat it . To be honest, my getting herpes might have been a good, thing, cause now that I’m single again, I’m not the male whore I was last time I went through a bad breakup. I could have gotten something a lot worse last time, and didn’t. So far I’ve been single for a few months and havent’ met anyone worth more than a one night stand, and thus havent’ had sex since my break up either. And when I do meet someone I’m interested I absolutely plan on telling them before we are intimate that I have it. It is hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to date me after they find out, but the alternative of infecting them and then them finding out the hard way is a whole hell of a lot worse.
hunter says
On post #32,
You started having sex with almost every cute chick you met at the bar?….You lucky dog!…..You must be very good looking………..Seriously, I have only known one woman who admitted having sex with a man that had herpes. She was a RN, and knew he was infected. She said she never caught it. I never tried to find out if she caught it or not….
Anon says
George
You will find an understanding caring soul, who won’t judge you for having herpes. My sis married a guy who had it, and after yrs of marriage she never caught it. If there’s an outbreak, you don’t have sex. You take the Valtrex or whatever to help prevent outbreaks. (Right? I’m not an expert) You don’t use the same towels, etc.
I’m probably judged just as much for being a curvy girl, and having 2 kids at home.
Bella says
As a carrier with no symptoms, I try to be open to whatever reaction I may get when I disclose. Yes I’m on medication and yes I’m honest and upfront. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it uncomfortable and nerve racking? Absolutely. It has never been a dealbreaker and it has never stopped a man from pursuing a relationship with me. I’m sure for someone at some point it won’t be worth the risk and I respect that (although it may hurt and be dissapointing). These are the choices and the realities of dating. The conversation is never easy but it is necessary.
moonsical says
Good lord, what a loaded topic. Of course you MUST tell a potential intimate partner. Of course it is NOT first date material (duh.)
Herpes, to my understanding, is much more serious for women, putting us at greater risk for cervical cancer. I’ve only had one partner (that I know of) with herpes and he DID NOT feel the need to tell me about it, because he had no outbreak at that time. A mutual friend who had gotten herpes from him told me! Nice, huh? Lucky for me (ever vigilant with the condoms, for one thing) I seem to have dodged that bullet.
Wait until the time is right but yes, TELL YOUR PARTNER. ALWAYS.
Al says
It’s not Herpes that increases Cervical Cancer. That’s certain strains of HPV. It always shocks me how little many people of adult age actually know about STDs.
CB says
Actually, it’s Chlamydia that puts women at greater risk for cervical cancer. I don’t think Herpes does, but it still is an awful thing to have. By the way, do you use condoms with oral sex, moonsical? I believe it can be passed on that way as well.
I was honest with the guy that I have been dating about having Herpes. At first, he said that he did not care (which was wonderful…), but now we think he might have gotten it on his face. Now, he’s afraid to have any kind of sex with me. I think I am going to have to go on the preventative med, Valtrex. I did not believe it would be that easy to pass on, if I didn’t have an outbreak, but I guess that shedding thing really happens, big time. Ugh!
Cynthia says
CB, it would be nice if you didn’t “correct” someone else’s post without doing your research first. YES, Herpes increases a woman’s risk for cervical cancer. As a first step you can Google it; then it would probably be a good idea to talk to your gynecologist. Here’s a link to get you started: http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/20061101/herpes-virus-linked-to-cervical-cancer
CB says
Sorry if I was wrong, but it would be nice if you weren’t so condescending, Cynthia. I have done research and talked with my gynecologist. Also, look more carefully at the 3rd and 5th paragraphs of the article you sent. It actually notes that HPV is what is associated with the increased risk of cervical cancer, while herpes is often an accomplice. Regardless, it sucks to have any of these conditions and I am in agreement with moonsical that partners should respect each other and tell.
The InBetweener says
I think we would ALL agree, no matter what the outcome or the risk of losing a potential partner, it’s ALWAYS best to inform the partner before hand. (even if it’s RIGHT before)
The worse thing anybody could do, no matter HOW minor a deal you think it is, is to omit that type of information before hand.
I think Kat Wilder nailed it, always give the potential future partner the FACTS and a choice to decide for themselves. It really could be a deal breaker for some people but I think they have a right to decide on whether it is or not, even if you feel you were not given that same right to decide.
Truth 1st Sex Later says
Hi ALL,
I read all the comments and I’m glad I did before sharing my story with the internet world. I’m 100% negative as of today (3 yearly PAP and Blood Tests) from any STDs but I still think that one day I will eventually get a genital outbreak even though I’ve been sex free since my last relationship.
Here is my story:
I dated someone for several years and prior to dating them I always tested negative for HPV/Genital Warts and any other STDs including HIV (yearly HIV tests and PAP Tests). During our relationship, about 5 yrs into it she was diagnosed with HPV and had visible warts. She went to OBGYN and it was confirmed. She stated that her OBGYN said it is very common that I could be the carrier and didn’t know and have an outbreak yet. I went immediately for testing the following day.
I was 100% negative of all STDs including HIV. I continued dating her for about 6 more months and tried not to have sexual contact with her until I could confirm that she was being unfaithful. It eventually caused problems and we broke it off. I still can’t confirm if she was ever unfaithful during our relationship.
Since our breakup, I have found out that she has had 2 sexual partners (no protection used) and did NOT inform them of her Genital Warts/HPV. I confronted her and she admitted to it. I also threatened to out her which I haven’t as of yet. I feel as though I’m condoning her to continue this behavior and putting others in danger.
I would like to say to Jen:
Please share your STD with all potential partners. You need to do it before sex and it has to be at your comfort level. No one should tell you when or where. Only you will know when it’s the right time. After all this, I would consider dating someone with an STD if they were honest and how they approached me with the news. Btw men can’t be tested for HPV until an outbreak occurs. So are we ever certain?
Please comment replies are welcome!
Al says
There is currently NO TEST available to check men for HPV other than a sight test for the wart strain. It could very well be in your system and not giving you any symptoms. In fact, the more dangerous strains do not have symptoms for men. If you were sleeping with a woman who has it you must assume you do too and can pass it on to any future partners. HPV is much easier to transmit than any other STD as well. Certain strains are the leading cause of cervical cancer in women. It is actually far more dangerous than Herpes for women and some new evidence is coming out that it has health complications for men as well.
Dan says
The medical profession is lying to people about the SEVERE life threatening effects of genital herpes. Let me share with you my story. I contracted HSV2 from the first girl I ever had sex with. It was in 1986 and I was 26 yrs. old at the time. As a devout Christian, I had decided that I would remain a virgin until I married but unfortunately I failed to live up to my expectations. Anyway, I met this cute girl, we dated for a couple of weeks, and then she invited me to spend some time with her at her house in the country. On the way to her house we bought some wine and ended up drinking way too much. I had no intentions of sleeping with her but after the wine was pretty easily convinced to stay the night. I was a 26 yr. old virgin, so I didn’t really know much about sex or sexually transmitted diseases for that matter. Anyway, we were both pretty tipsy and ended up having sex. The next morning she awakened me with the news that she had both Aids and Herpes. I was in complete shock. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to even begin to know what to do. This is back in the 80s, little was known of these diseases back then. I just swore to God that I would recommit my heart to Him and and asked Him to forgive me for having had sex and please to protect me from having something. For the next seven years, I never even went on a date. Although I never had any outbreak or anything like that I would tend to have a persistent sore throat. Anyway, after 7 yrs or so, I met this girl that I found simply irrestible. Knowing what had happened to me I decided to go to the doctor and have a full battery of tests for all sexually transmitted diseases. Gratefully I did not have Aids but I tested positive for genital herpes. I risked my relationship with the girl I so deeply adored and told her of my findings. We went to three more doctors together to confirm my diagnosis. I had to release this girl who I loved so much because I could never subject her to herpes. Unfortunately, and this is the bad part, over the past 10 years I have developed severe peripheral neuropathy in my feet and hands. Some days I can not even walk the neuropathy in my feet is so severe. I have been diagnosed with herpes phyringitis, evidently from when me and that girl had oral sex so very long ago. I am taking Lyrica for the neuropathy and Zovirax for herpes suppression. Both of them are very expensive and I am uninsurable because of the neuropathy. Up until about 10 yrs ago my immune system had managed to fight the herpes pretty well but now for the past 10 yrs my life has been complete hell on earth. Had I known what I know now back in 1986 I would have sued that girl for everything she had or ever would have. That just something you should think about should you think about not informing a potential sexual partner that you have this disease. I also spent a short time in law school and know for a fact that people have been sued for this and suffered not only extreme public embarrassment but heavy financial judgments. If you are an unfortunate victim of this insidious disease, my prayers are with you, yes, even that girl of so long ago, my prayers are with her. As a Christian I do believe in Jesus’s eternal mercy and power for physical healing here on earth. I pray that you can find your consolation in Him. Be blessed.
Cynthia says
Oh for flurk’s sake. First of all, spare us the morality play. IF you really contracted Herpes from having sex once ever in your life, you are the RARE exception. What you seem to be implying is that unless everyone believes exactly what you do about Christianity and morality, and reserves sex for marriage alone, we will all immediately get an STD and suffer all the health consequences you have suffered.
Your ploy is transparent and unconvincing at best. Just take a look around, talk to the people who acknowledge they have Herpes, you will hear very few of them indeed with such an over-the-top story.
LOTS of people have herpes with few effects at all, or with effects that are much more manageable than what you describe. IF you really have the health problems you claim to have, and IF such problems can really be traced to Herpes (I am very skeptical about both of those points), you are the exception, not the rule.
You refer to supposed “heavy financial judgements” in cases where a sexual partner has not told someone they had Herpes. Please reference these cases as I was unable to find them in a Google search. Otherwise, it just looks like you are puffing up your argument by resorting to hard evidence that you haven’t actually provided.
You are exactly the type of person whose hysterics makes people who don’t know much about Herpes think it is the end of the world. What you’re doing makes life harder for those of us who actually live with Herpes (I doubt you do).
Selena says
I suspect poster #42 has a psychological disorder he is choosing to attribute to HSV2.
blueeyes says
Thank you Cynthia!!!!!
The facts are if have herpes, use condoms and obstain from sex during breakouts your partner has a less than 1% chance of contracting. 1 in 5 adults have HSV2. Talk to your partner before becoming intimate. I do, and I’ve never had a guy walk away and never had a partner contract.
Life with herpes is not the end of the world!
Dan says
Dear Cynthia,
I drew an overbroad generalization in my first message. I should have said the POTENTIALLY severe life threatening effects of genital herpes.
I am very sorry if you were offended by anything I wrote.
My desire was to simply state the truthful experience I have endured for the past 22 or so yrs. It wasnt until about 10 yrs ago that I began to experience the severe complications which unfortunately in the past 2 yrs have almost crippled me. My monthly expense for the Lyrica and Valtrex now exceeds $400 and I have been denied medical insurance because of the neuropathy. Without the Lyrica I am unable to walk.
I believe that every person’s heart and life is unique to God, I was just explaining what happened to me. For me I know I betrayed my better judgment at the time and subsequently have endured very severe consequences. However, i also believer that the only absolute standard of good or bad is Jesus Christ, for that I make no apology.
Something which I did not reveal in my first message is the following. The girl that I was so much in love with and had to give up on because I was willing to be truthful with and reveal I had herpes was recently diagnosed with the disease. Her boyfriend cheated on her after many years of them being together. She was recently awarded an out of court settlement for $200,000 against him. We are now dating each other again and I still love her exceedingly. My prayer is that we can soon marry.
Here is some reference information for you to peruse regarding potential life threatening complications of herpes pharyngitis.
http://web.archive.org/web/20161201015922/http://www.ninds.nih.gov:80/disorders/peripheralneuropathy/detail_peripheralneuropathy.htm?
The article is issued by the National Institute of Health and is dated Dec. 2008
highlighted excerpt follows:
Infections and autoimmune disorders can cause peripheral neuropathy. Viruses and bacteria that can attack nerve tissues include herpes varicella-zoster (shingles), Epstein-Barr virus, cytomegalovirus, and herpes simplex-members of the large family of human herpes viruses.
These viruses severely damage sensory nerves, causing attacks of sharp, lightning-like pain.
Postherpetic neuralgia often occurs after an attack of shingles and can be particularly painful.
And also the following:
highlighted excerpt follows:
The issue of consent was discussed in depth in 1986 U.Il.L.Rev. 779 Paul Murray & Brenda J. Winslett, The Constitutional Right to Privacy and Emerging Tort Liability for Deceit in Interpersonal
Relationships.
One must give knowing consent for it to be an effective legal defense; consent is vitiated if it is procured by fraud or concealment. Id. at 793. As noted: One may also commit a
battery in the case of consensual sexual [intercourse] as to the nature of the contact. An action for battery lies in the herpes transmission cases, for example, since consent to sexual
intercourse cannot be equated with consent to infection with a `vile and loathsome disease. (emphasis supplied) Id. at 809.
And some cases you can easily google.
A woman who contracted genital herpes from her husband was awarded $630,000 by a Manhattan jury on Friday, culminating a legal dispute that lasted nearly a decade.
Jane Maharan, 64, who divorced Robert Maharan in 1986 after 34 years of marriage, was awarded $400,000 for his negligence, $100,000 for future medical expenses and $250,000 in punitive damages.
A civil jury this week awarded Michelle E. Rudolph $475,000 for assault and $475,000 for negligence after Los Angeles Dodger pitcher Jose Lima was found guilty of infecting her with genital herpes, attorney Chad Dunn said.
Meany v. Meany, 639 So. 2d 229 (La. 1994) (genital herpes)
Jury awarded $ 125,000.00 in damages to compensate Mrs. Meany for pain and suffering, mental anguish, permanent disability, medical expenses, and loss of society and enjoyment of life:
The wife had recovered a judgment from the trial court against the husband for the negligent infliction of a venereal disease.
Anyway I would still recommend telling a potential sexual partner.
It is just not fair to the other person.
May you or the other posters be always richly blessed.
Al says
OK, first off, it has been illegal for some time to deny someone insurance due to pre-existing conditions. Secondly, you mention in your post Herpes Zoster. This stems from having had chicken pox, not HSV1 or 2. Essentially, there are multiple things that can cause peripheral neuropathy, most stemming from a compromised immune system.
“diabetes, traumatic injury, kidney disease, vitamin deficiencies; autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and Guillain-Barre syndrome; specific infections to include hepatitis C, HIV/AIDs, Epstein-Barr virus, Lyme disease, varicella-zoster; exposure to heavy metals and some medications. Under certain circumstances, if the correct nerve is affected, the various herpes viruses has been linked to peripheral neuropathy symptoms; however, how common this is, is not known.”
So, there is no way for any of us to know what may have contributed to your illnesses. What is clear is that serious health complications for adults from HSV1 and 2 are exceedingly rare. More people are harmed by taking an aspirin.
CN says
I have to comment on the above post. Again, I agree with the other posters that you are misleading people with your comments. While you comment that the virus you have is a member of the herpes virus family, it is not HSV2.
For example, shingles is very different in symptoms and manisfestation than HSV 1 or 2. You should take more care in how you present your “facts”. There is enough disinformation about HSV.
Cynthia says
Dan:
As I stated previous to your post, I do believe a person who knows they have Herpes should tell their potential partner before they become sexually involved. That doesn’t mean that I agree that Herpes is as huge of a deal as you are making it out to be.
If, as you claim, you want everyone who has Herpes to tell their potential partners, then you are actually hurting your own cause by overstating the risk and effects of Herpes.
There are already many people in the world who are ignorant about Herpes and who respond to being told their potential partner has it with judgement and overreaction rather than understanding and compassion. We need more people to be educated and realistic about it. Having folks such as yourself jumping up and down about it just causes more problems for those of us who actually have to live (and love) with it. And, ironically, the more people habitually overreact, the less likely those with Herpes are to tell and expose themselves to that overreaction. So you are hurting your own cause with this hysteria.
I’ll make another point again since you may have missed it: oral Herpes is still Herpes. And over half of adults in this country have HSV type 1 (the type most commonly found in oral Herpes), according to the most recent research (http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/296/8/964).
I’ve never once had anyone warn me that they had oral Herpes before kissing me. Have you? Have you even *heard* of anyone who does this? Should I go sue all of the men I’ve kissed whom I find out had ever in their lives had a “cold sore” (i.e. Herpes lesion around their lips), for not telling me before kissing me? If not, why not?
Oral Herpes is considered as much of a health risk as genital Herpes, if not greater (because on rare occasion it can infect the brain). http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html The reason we don’t consider a cold sore around the lips as being as big of a deal in our society as having genital Herpes (whether there are active lesions or not) seems to be that anything associated with the “genitals” is automatically “bad”. You and your zealous ilk are in part to thank for that.
Simply stating that someone won a $200,000 out-of-court settlement is not proof. Discussing personal experience or opinion is fine as long as it is clear that’s what it is, but trying to support your argument with statistics and “facts” you haven’t backed up is not a fair rhetorical tactic. Please either show proof of this $200,000 settlement, or leave it out of your argument. By juxtaposing this claim with the cited court cases, you imply that it has the same credibility. And by citing a personal experience with a monetary award for contracting Herpes from a partner who did not tell, you imply that such an experience is commonplace. If you really believe in what you are claiming, you don’t need such dirty rhetorical tricks.
Frankly, I don’t believe anything you’re saying about your personal experiences. I continue to believe that your posts come from a religious zealot who will use any tactic to try to make people so hysterical about the risk and effects of Herpes that they will be afraid to have sex.
It’s the rare person who gets Herpes the very first time he ever has intercourse. It’s the rare person who has such bad health effects from Herpes as you claim. And it’s the rare person who is awarded hundreds of thousands of dollars for anything, let alone having contracted Herpes from someone who didn’t reveal that they had it. Combine all those rarities together, and you get a statistical probability so low that I’d be willing to bet large sums of money that you’re a fraud.
Speaking of large sums of money: I did some more Googling and also found a bunch of cases that were dismissed. It’s interesting that you don’t include those in your short list. You seem to be implying that because a handful of people won large settlements, that means that getting Herpes is in fact the end of the world, and that the court recognized that fact and compensated the plaintiffs accordingly. But sometimes people are awarded settlements that are all out of proportion to the crime committed against them. The whole movement of tort reform exists because of these unreasonable judgements.
Your own information shows that peripheral neuropathy can be attributed to a variety of causes. The Epstein-Barr virus is what causes mononucleosis (“mono”) and is extremely common. The vast majority of adults in this country have had it.
And the “large family of human herpes viruses” includes such things as chicken pox!
So your own words show that you do not know that genital Herpes is what caused this rare disease in you. Why you are here demonizing Herpes rather than on some other board preaching against kissing (which is what transmits mono) is beyond me. Or maybe you do in fact spend all your time warning everyone not to ever touch another human being in a romantic or sexual way.
For you, I actually think that’s good advice. For the rest of us, not so much.
Cynthia says
So I looked at your link and was amused to find that this case didn’t deal with Herpes at all, but with genital warts, and that it wasn’t a finding in favor of the plaintiff, but rather just a remand–meaning she could go ahead with her case in another court.
Oh yeah, and, I’m still waiting to hear why any of the effects you claim to have had are “life threatening”. In what way is your life threatened by having tingling in your hands and feet? Nah, nevermind, I suppose I shouldn’t continue to feed the troll.
Mandy says
Hi everyone,
I am glad to have read this board. It is very helpful as I have had HSV II for about 5 years now. I didn’t worry about it too much because I got it from my boyfriend at the time who then became my husband (He didn’t know he had it either). Anyway, we have since separated, and recently, I have gotten close to a young woman who I really care about. We talk a lot with sexual undertones and we make out all the time. I know it can lead to sex (my first lesbian sex) and I want to tell her within the next few days because I don’t want to waste anymore time with her not knowing. Does anyone have any examples in this case where it is a same sex relationship? Thanks for any comments you might have.
Karl R says
Mandy: (#50)
I can’t see how a same-sex relationship changes thing. It’s one person talking to another person.
The next time you’re in private, sit her down and tell her, “Before things go any further, there’s something you need to know. About 5 years ago …” Then tell your story from there. Keep it simple and keep it factual. Answer any questions she has.
She may be understanding. She may not. Those are the same possibilities that exist if you were telling a man.
kat says
I’m so glad I found these posts on this topic today. I don’t have a lot to add – I’ve had genital herpes for approximately 6 years, I always struggle with when to tell a potential sexual partner about my condition and have found that the only “good time” is before things get hot and heavy — once things are rolling he may not take the time to make an “informed choice” before we become intimate. I am 43 and find that many of the men in my dating pool are somewhat recently out of long term marriages and seem to know nothing about herpes…..consequently the fact that I have herpes is generally not received well and has been a dealbreaker several times. It is hard to handle that kind of rejection, as it often comes with a judgment about me and my character. I thank those of you who do not have herpes for your expressions of support for those of us who do. I did find one comment (well, more than one, but I’m exercising restraint) pretty outrageous:
A warning to the healthy. Women who have herpes will lie to you when you ask them if they have it.
Ummmm, I can’t tell you how many times I have sucked it up and made myself completely vulnerable to a potential partner by disclosing my condition only to have them (MALES) say “Oh, don’t worry, I’ve ‘been exposed’ to herpes, (or even tested positive)(or had an outbreak “once”) but I don’t think I have it because I’ve never had symptoms, never had another outbreak, etc.”…… Clearly these men are not proactively disclosing the fact that they may have herpes, and, frankly, the chances are that they do have herpes, and that they are spreading it with impunity and no guilt because they are naive enough to believe that they don’t have it because they haven’t had “symptoms”. Alert to men re: “symptoms” — they vary, and according to lots and lots of literature, men often believe that they have an abrasion on their genitals when, in fact, they have a herpes sore. Please, please, please don’t take it lightly when a Dr. tells you that you have tested positive for herpes simply because you don’t “feel” like you have it. You need to be as upfront with your partner as you want her to be with you.
OK, I’m rambling, but to the man who warns “the healthy” (please…) that women who have herpes lie – you’re making a gross generalization about “women who have herpes” – in my experience some men have no problem lying about or minimizing their condition.
#42 — Your medical condition sounds awful – if it is somehow related to genital herpes I’m sure we will be reading about you soon in some medical journals soon. In the meantime I hope your doctors are exploring other potential culprits (auto-immune disorders…….) in order to address your symptoms.
Sayanta says
I’m going to be honest- those of you who said you’d still continue to date people with herpes are way kinder than I am. I want to say off the bat that I sympathize a great deal with people who have it- it sounds awful.
At the same time, I’m not going to put my own health at risk, even for ‘love’. I think the first and foremost concern people should have is respect for their own bodies (it goes to knowing how to take care of yourself before you can take care of others), and if you KNOWINGLY sleep with someone who can infect you, that respect’s gone. If someone told me they had any kind of STI, I’d honestly have to walk. I hope it never happens, because it would suck to meet the man of my dreams and find out he’s infected with an STI.
Al says
Nobody can tell you what choices to make. However, to be true to this sentiment you will have to either not have sex at all (even with a condom) or require any partner to produce an STD test after at least 6 months of abstinence prior to being intimate. Otherwise, you’re taking the same risk, just in a totally uninformed state.
CN says
To poster#53: Thank God there are many great people in this world who don’t think as you do. Having an STI is like many long-term health conditions. Have you ever been tested? How do you know you don’t have the virus? Wouldn’t it be ironic if you were tested and found out you had it without knowing as a high percentage of people who have and don’t know it.
Sayanta says
“Have you ever been tested? How do you know you don’t have the virus?”
I’m a virgin- that’s how I know. STI’s (meeting men who have it)are one of the reasons I’ve stayed that way.
I understand why you’re upset by my comment- but I still stand by what I’ve said. As for other long term health conditions- they’re not contagious so it’s different. For example, I’d date someone who had diabetes or high cholesterol.
Sayanta says
This is NYC’s post #31
“I think it’s not fair to say If a man can’t see through the herpes then he’s not really someone who cares, etc. Guys, herpes is not medically serious, but for a subset of people it really adversely affects their life… But look – if I marry someone with brown hair or with different color skin, it doesn’t result in painful sores. Herpes usually is mild or not even significant, but nobody knows how their body will react to it. I understand that it’s easy to rationalize if he loves me then he won’t care too much about me having it but I don’t think it’s that simple. It’s not simple because it’s something that affects the other partner for their whole life. I would say DON’T JUDGE someone who considers it a dealbreaker.”
I just saw NYC’s post- THANK YOU! My sentiments exactly. Interesting how no one responded to NYC’s post. I think we’re so politically correct now that you have to say you’re willing to date anyone no matter what the adverse effects on your own life is. Well, sorry- that’s not happening. If I found out every single male in the universe is infected with an STI, I’d join a Buddhist nunnery.
Michael Ejercito says
I’m a virgin- that’s how I know. STI’s (meeting men who have it)are one of the reasons I’ve stayed that way.
Sex is not the only method of spreading STI’s, contrary to popular belief.
Herpes (both types) can be spread by kissing.
Syphilis can be spread by touch.
Sayanta says
“Syphilis is passed from person to person through direct contact with a syphilis sore. Sores occur mainly on the external genitals, vagina, anus, or in the rectum. Sores also can occur on the lips and in the mouth. Transmission of the organism occurs during vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Pregnant women with the disease can pass it to the babies they are carrying. Syphilis cannot be spread through contact with toilet seats, doorknobs, swimming pools, hot tubs, bathtubs, shared clothing, or eating utensils.”
from this website
http://www.cdc.gov/std/syphilis/STDFact-Syphilis.htm#spread
It says specifically that transmission occurs during sex.
Michael Ejercito says
It says specifically that transmission occurs during sex.
This is true.
But it can also be passed through the umbilical cord. And in second stage syphilis, sores appear all over the body, providing another venue of transmissions.
Mandy says
I just wanted to update everyone. I spoke to my girlfriend about HSV over the phone because it came up at that time. She didn’t even flinch. She said her sister has it too and it got passed to her from their mother at birth. It did literally take about 5 minutes. I am so happy that is over with and it eliminates some extra unnecessary stress that I was feeling just thinking about telling her. I also did realize that a lot of it had to do with how my demeanor was when we discussed it. I am happy that she really likes me for more than just a sexual relationship and she still wants to pursue the relationship. Just for the record, we have not had sex yet, but when we talk about it, it doesn’t seem like anything has changed. Thanks for a wonderful message board!
Al says
Good for you Mandy! I was wondering if we’d get an update from you and I’m so glad things worked out. Made me smile today. Thank you!
gale says
Dave, I really feel for what happend , your gf having it and not telling you, I feel for you,because that is exactly what happend to me. The guy I had dated for months, didnt tell me he had herpes. Im still in shock about it and i know my life will never be the same again. Of course for me, it wont be a need to tell anyone, because I would never risk giving this to anyone. My sex life is over!
Maria says
For those of you who are honest about your STD beforehand, God bless you! Very commendable. For those of you who struggle with it, for God sakes think of someone other than yourself for one minute. JUST SAY IT
Karl R says
gale said: (#61)
“I would never risk giving this to anyone. My sex life is over!”
I can understand (and applaud) your decision to never risk passing herpes on. But why does that require your sex life to be over?
There are dating sites for people with herpes:
http://www.PositiveSingles.com
http://www.STDmatch.net
H-Date.com
You can stick to your decision and still pursue romance.
gale says
I understand what your saying, and thank you. I just dont feel at this point in my life I want to date. I went wihout sex for over two years before this happed to me. Then because of one stupid choice I made in one moment of weakness, my whole life as I once knew it is over. I know it could be worse, but right now it feels like all I want to do is go into a dark room away from everyone and cry all day everyday. I guess as time passes I will learn to smile again, maybe.. But for anyone out there who doesnt have this virus. Think twice and even three or four times before you have sex with anyone,, and condom’s do not protect you 100 percent, I suggest requesting a std test before deciding to have sex. or better yet, follow Gods plan and insructions for our sex lives, then none of us would end up having this life long virus.
Thank you though Karl,anyway..
kat says
#61 – i know you’re feeling blindsided, scared, guilty, etc. about the fact that you have GH — believe me, all of us who have it went through the same emotions. i’m not sure how long you’ve known about your condition, but i would hope that you would actually read Evan’s response to the original question in this thread, as well as the posts by others who have herpes and have found that life goes on. we haven’t locked ourselves up and cried everyday, more importantly we don’t let the fact that we have GH define who we are. your sex life is not over, and neither is your potential to find “the one”.
Michael says
And what is God’s plan?
Rach says
It is nice to come across these kind of websites, I feel so lonely and sad since I don’t have anyone that I can speak to about this in my life about this. Well, I have Herpes I and I just told my boyfriend that I have been recently dating about this. He was grateful to me for telling him and asked questions. HOWEVER, I acutally made one mistake and told him before we had sex. He seem fine about it but only time will tell.
Karl R says
Rach said: (#67)
“I acutally made one mistake and told him before we had sex.”
How is that a mistake?
ELLE says
WELL I AM GLAD I FOUND THIS WEBSITE MYSELF….I’M 23 AND I WAS DATING A 39 YR OLD MAN WHO HAS HERPES. WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS AND I PROTECTED MYSELF. WE RECENTLY BROKE UP AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR AND 2 MONTHS AGO BARELY I CAUGHT THE VIRUS. I AM JUST SO SCARED NOW TO GO OUT AND DATE OTHER PEOPLE. IT TERRIFIES ME!!! I AM SO SCARED OF GOING THROUGH A REJECTION I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO TELL MY NEXT RELATIONSHIP. SO FAR I’M NOT SEEING ANYBODY. I AM JUST TERRIFIED. I HAD MY FIRST BREAK OUT 2 MONTHS AGO AND I HAVE BEEN FINE SINCE, BUT ITS JUST SO HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I DON’T THINK ANYONE WILL UNDERSTAND ESPECIALLY HERE IN THE VALLEY. I FEEL PEOPLE ARE SO JUDGEMENTAL AND I WILL BE REJECTED.
Al says
It’ll be OK Elle. It really will. You will come to understand how many, many people are infected with this virus. At the risk of sounding Un-PC let’s throw out some stats.
The CDC estimates that around 20% of the population in this country has HSV2. Compare that to the Census Bureau’s statistics on race in the US. 77% are listed as Caucasian. 12% of the population are African American. 17% are Hispanic. SO, if you really think about it, there are twice as many people with Herpes as there are there are African Americans in this country and it’s almost the same as the number of African Americans AND Hispanics combined. You are far from alone.
Michael says
Elle, just find a man with herpes. Since you already have it…
Terra says
I had unprotected sex a week ago and broke out 24 hrs later. I went to the doc and she believes it is and took a scraping. No results yet. I just went over and told the gentleman that I think he gave it to me & he should get tested. I am hearing though that you can have it for years and not now it? I have decided two things if I have it then I am giving up sex completely including looking after my personal needs – I would never have the courage to tell someone – so I would rather they think I am frigid. And if I don’t my whole body will be in a condom. I am scared to death right now. I am taking lysine, valtrex, Vit A, Zinc, Lyphsot, astralgus and a bunch of other stuff. Why can’t they just cauterize it out?
bob says
Terra,
You mentioned the idea of cauterizing it out. I had that same though my whole life. I was born with it 33 years ago and figured with tech and medicine advancing so quickly we’d of seen something like that by now. Then recently I was in unity and noticed my electrical engineering professor had an outbreak (mouth). He also was one of those super genius people from the navy elites and Boeing medical science club. He had patented electronics for inside your skin. So I waited until I had an outbreak (mouth) and approached him about if he knew if there was a way to make a cauterizing device. He said no. So let’s hope he just said that and is really building one for his next patent.
hunter says
Do as the doctor says, you will be fine.
Elle says
I have to say, I received this ‘gift’ from a man who supposedly didn’t ‘know’ he had it and continued to lie about not having it after I had a break out and was diagnosed. Nothing hurt more, nothing. After wards, I had one relationship with a friend who I had known for several years, knew me, trusted me and loved me. However, after that fell apart, I have not been able to be in a relationship because of ‘the’ herpes. I am always honest, if we click on the first date, I send an email or letter explaining it, only because it’s easier for me to explain myself and not get flustered and chicken out. I always explain this in the email/letter and always have offered other sources to show that herpes isn’t as bad as we all think, but then again, its coming from someone with herpes, so yea.
I’m not really sure to go from this point on, I hear so many success stories, that their partners were all ok with it, but I haven’t had success. So that leads me to think, what’s wrong with me?
Just sayin.
Michael says
Elle,
can you not find someone else with herpes?
Karl R says
Elle said: (#73)
“I send an email or letter explaining it, only because it’s easier for me to explain myself and not get flustered and chicken out.”
“…but I haven’t had success.”
I was on the receiving end of one of these conversations (she had Hepatitis C instead of herpes). Based on my personal experience, I suspect that you would improve your success rate by changing two things:
1) Wait longer before telling him. This is personal information that you should share on a need-to-know basis. He doesn’t need to know this after the first date. He needs to know it before you have sex. I think you should wait at least 3 or 4 dates before telling him.
2) Tell him face-to-face. I realize this is a lot more stressful than sending an e-mail. However, this is extremely personal information, and you can’t effectively communicate it in an impersonal manner (like via e-mail); too much of the content of what you’re saying gets lost.
“that leads me to think, what’s wrong with me?”
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s something wrong with your approach.
Ed Farnsworth says
From Kat; “…the man who warns the healthy (please) that women who have herpes lie – you’re making a gross generalization about women who have herpes – in my experience some men have no problem lying about or minimizing their condition.”
Yeah, you’re right, Kat. I was angry and way out of line when I submitted that post. I’ve had female friends who got herpes from guys who didn’t tell them. Those men are the real scum. Not the innocent woman they gave it who is too confused or scared to be upfront right away. Tell you partners right away girls, it’s a good way to eliminate judgmental jerks like me from the potential partner pool.
apologizes from Ed
Al says
Nicely done Ed. Much respect for the way you handled that.
rabbit says
Yeah its funny how yu can just turn your noise up at someone with the hsv 2 but when its actually yu who got it,its a hole different ball game… to be honest we are out casts sorry to say.Ive just recieved it 1 month ago and i know my sex life is over.And the thing about not mentioning anything till your in bed together is just terrible… shouldnt this be said before hand instead of wasting someones time,talk about trying to trick someone into bed and then making them feel sorry for you( nice comment ) Oh and half these people that actually reply to your messages dont even have herpes,so its easy for them to say “ohh there dating sites for you guys and girls ( you other out cast freaks right ) sorry but that pretty crap to push those people into that corner. I went onto a site to see what could be done and ask for help and my question about my sex life how it would never excist again was answered by an amature and funny enough said the same think evan did ( reading from a script are we)… talking about babys and thinking of others, “ooh sorry dont i count anymore now that i have herpes… doctors are a joke.”Its ok they say you can still have sex just wear protection” oh thank so when ive got my genital out do you think she might be scared of whats on the end of my penis ? get real people..
Trulove says
A friend of mine had the unfortunate experience of contacting herpes from an ex-boyfriend. It really devastated her for some time but she moved on with her life. Now she found a lovely person that she wants to have a long term relationship with. She has not told him that that she has herpes yet. I think she is afraid that if she does he may say goodbye. Talk about a terrible dilema, I wish I knew what to tell her. In my culture we dont actually ever talk about these things.
jan says
i was seeing a man that i have known for 15 years, for about 2 months. We were taking things slowly because of our previous marriages and neither wanted to get hurt. I recieved the gift from my ex husband and his affair. I told this guy when i knew that we had potential for something special, after being together for about 4 weeks. I had a dr. appointment for another pap because I also recieved hpv and have had to have a biopsy. that is when i told him. It was the hardest thing that i ever had to do because I knew that time wasnt on my side. We had an open and honest relationship and very close friendship as well. I have been on valtex for 2 years and never had another out break, but i do know the risks involved. he did research and thought he could handle it. 6 weeks later, i lost alot as did he. I understand his choice and i respect it but it still hurts to this day because i know that he could have been the one, if i was clean. I also lost a very good friend and i am struggling to get that back because our friendship was special. i lost all the way around because of my ex and i did not have a choice. i have no idea what my future holds and someone will love me inspite of the ‘gift’. I just hope that people can be open and upfront w/others about if or not they have this. It does ruin many lives if you know and do not disclose, especially the ones whom believe in you.
Anon for this says
I have gone on 3 dates with a guy who has it. I really like him otherwise. He told me on the 2nd date. (We have not done anything that would allow me to catch it.) I have been thinking about it for a week and the situation really upsets me. It’s a horrible choice. I am leaning towards breaking things off because it’s still so early and I don’t want to compromise my health. But, it’s so rare that I meet someone I like this much.
I know the statistics, and I know that the odds are low that I will get it. But I don’t think I will be able to enjoy having a sex life with him because it will make me paranoid all the time.
I screened his last phone call because I am feeling so confused. I know I need to call him back, and I will. I think it’s telling that I avoided his call though. The situation makes me really sad. I wish there was better treatment for this disease, and I wish there was less of a social stigma.
Al says
Keep in mind that you have a one in six chance of running into another guy who has it too and that one may not even know it. In fact, have YOU had the blood test? One in four women is a pretty high chance. How would you feel if you broke up with this guy that you really liked, only to find out later that you were also infected. Of course, by then he’d no longer be interested in you because you turned your nose up at him. Karma can be a pretty interesting lady.
Cynthia says
Anon, so you are going to trash a promising relationship because you might possibly catch a skin rash from him? Do you realize that EIGHTY PERCENT of American adults have ORAL herpes?? And that oral Herpes is no less or more of a health issue than genital? Do you ask all your dates whether they’ve ever had a cold sore before you kiss them?? And if they have, do you then break off your budding relationship with them?
I am really sick of the unwarranted stigma some people place on genital Herpes. If people bother educating themselves and actually thinking critically about this issue rather than running on paranoia and hysteria, we’d all be a lot better off.
I find this link very helpful to educate the ignorant:
“Remember to put herpes into perspective: it is an annoying, recurrent skin condition that is treatable and manageable–no more, no less.” Amen!
Anon for this says
Cynthia, the stigma is a large part of my issue with it. What if I date him for 6 months, catch the disease, and our relationship doesn’t work out? [Note: That is exactly what happened to him. And yes, he used protection. So it’s a little difficult to assume that if we’re responsible I won’t catch it.] I’m not willing to be a sacrificial lamb. More relationships fail than succeed. I don’t want to shrink my future dating pool. Dating is hard enough as it is.
It’s also not exactly the same as having a cold sore. I get cold sores, but they don’t give me a fever, make it hurt to pee, or increase the odds that I will have to have a C-section when/if I have a baby. I understand that it’s the same virus but it’s not a perfect equivalency.
I feel badly and I have a lot of sympathy, but I also have to watch out for myself. I understand the statistics and that the probability is low, but I also know my tendency to overthink things. I don’t think I will be able to feel secure about having a sex life with him. That’s not fair to either of us.
Cindy says
82Anon for this
“I feel badly and I have a lot of sympathy, but I also have to watch out for myself. I understand the statistics and that the probability is low, but I also know my tendency to overthink things. I don’t think I will be able to feel secure about having a sex life with him. That’s not fair to either of us.”
I’ll tell my story in another post, but wanted to reply to this here. I’ve been with my live-in boyfriend for 2 years, but are breaking up due to incompatibility. Not necessarily the herpes, but it has played a role. He accepted it after lots of questions and research (and before we had any sexual contact), but he could never get over his fear of performing oral sex on me and ultimately, our sex life was crap. I went from having an orgasm with my previous partner every time to having 3 in 2 years. We were both cheated: him by his paranoia and me for bringing herpes to the table. We’ve had a decent relationship, but there is no future and when our lease is up in May, we are parting ways. His not being honest early on about how uncomfortable it made him feel became an issue that made me very angry. Made me feel like I was settling for less and here, I’m the one with the virus! Go figure. I can see both sides of the coin.
Al says
Wait, you have HSV1 and you’re treating this guy like a second class citizen because he gets his skin rash in a different location than you do? What blatant hypocrisy. Why do you think anyone else should put up with YOUR infection if you’re so intolerant of other people’s? If you can’t get over yourself enough to be a good girlfriend to this guy you should break things off politely. He deserves a better woman frankly.
Sc says
So wait: you have oral herpes and you’re rejecting someone because they have genital herpes? Do you actually know that you don’t both have the same strain??
Sc says
Obviously you are very uninformed so I’ll spell it out: if you both have the same strain ( which is entirely possible), neither of you will “catch” the other’s infection. You have it already and will not develop it genitally. Likewise he will not get cold sores orally. Different story if you have hsv 1 and he has hsv 2 though.
Cynthia says
“It’s also not exactly the same as having a cold sore”. Yes, actually it is. EXACTLY the same as a cold sore–it IS a cold sore–only in a different location. In fact, if you do some research, you’ll see that oral Herpes is considered by some doctors to be somewhat *more* of a health risk, because of the remote possibility of brain infection. Are you going to stop kissing men you date now unless they’ve tested free of both Herpes I and II (because either can reside in either location)? Now that you know there is some remote chance of getting a brain infection from it?
Your statement “the stigma is a large part of my issue with it” is extremely disappointing. You PERPETUATE the stigma by buying into it. Just as many white people a few decades ago perpetuated racism by caving in to societal demands that they not associate with blacks. Yes, I’m making an analogy to racism. When you cut out someone from your dating pool because something about them is a social stigma, you’re behaving very similarly.
Cynthia says
Ooohhh… you GET COLD SORES, do you? That means you have Herpes, dear! I certainly hope you disclose this information to your dates before you kiss them.
Lucy says
@ #84
And certainly before you perform oral on a guy. You could give him genital herpes that way. And intercourse with him could infect you genitally in turn.
Something people with “cold sores” either don’t know, or ignore.
Nightmare says
This site has really enlightened me. thanks for people that contributed. I would like to relay my nightmare and see if any others have had or are having the same. 10+ years ago I was exposed to genital herpes by my ex-husband’s infidelity. I have never had an outbreak or been tested partially due to the “small town” that I reside. Emotionally this “exposure” was very devastating to me. Being the single parent of 2 young children, I didn’t make time to date, am a very private person and so I didn’t address the issue. Three years ago, when I started dating a man and the relationship was progressing (no sex yet) I still postponed talking about it as I was so humiliated, embarrassed & all of the above. Finally after another month, I told the guy, although I emotionally broke down during my explanation. The guy just blew it off, insisted it was no problem as he had had oral herpes for years and he would probably pass that to me or vice versa (his inference ‘through oral sex’). I still insisted on protection, until he insisted on stopping protection as the relationship continued. It later came out that this guy was physically separated from his wife and he stated that he had been for years (emotionally and physically). Our relationship was on and off for a couple of years. When it was apparent that he was not going to end his marriage & he started “scaring” me with his emotional state, I ended the relationship. Months later, he calls and tells me that I infected him with genital herpes. I said that I was sorry if he was infected but I had informed him before we ever had any sex that I had been exposed and possibly infected. He threatened to contact the County Health Unit and expose me unless I started seeing him again. (yes, he is still married and is now back living in the same house with his wife & kids). He continued this threat to me and now he has actually filed and is trying to sue me for maliciously infecting him. I know his whole intent is to totally humiliate me in my “small town” and I don’t have the $’s to legally fight him. Does anyone have any suggestions on any advocacy groups that would /could help. I am at my wits end. Also, my point in sharing with this site is that even though I was honest and informed him of my potential to have herpes before the relationship, it has come back to bite me because he is lying.
Ummm.... says
Really basic suggestion: get tested! If you’re concerned that people will find out, go to another town where you don’t know anyone. Why in the world haven’t you done this already? Why would you want to operate from a basis of ignorance rather than knowledge?
HSV2+ says
Hi guys, good too find a website where these issues can be discussed openly. Coming from the opposite side of the fence, I was diagnosed with herpes 2 days ago.
I am struggling at the moment to deal with the news and can’t seem to think about anything else at the moment. I cannot be sure from whom I contracted the virus, as I have antibodies in my blood I must of had it for a while. I have never had any symptoms and have never been blood tested specifically for herpes until my test last week. I have been relatively careful with using protection apart from partners who I trusted, although never demanded to see tests. (who can you trust I suppose), nevertheless the research does state that you can still contract the virus when wearing a condom.
I am currently seeing an amazing girl (have been for about 3 weeks) and we have a lot of fun together. Now that I have this condition I have no idea how I’m going to break it to her, the worst part of it is she is only 21 and I work with her too. I never thought I would be on the receiving end of an sti, but I am so afraid that she will run for the hills that I don’t know what to do. I haven’t left the house since I found out, and I don’t think I can emotionally deal with the conversation face to face at the moment, simply because I haven’t quite sorted my head out myself.
I am frightened that she may have contracted it first and foremost, as we were quite drunk one night and didn’t use protection (which I know was irresponsible), although she may have also given it to me. I don’t know what I am asking of you guys just need someone to talk to really.
I spoke to my doctor to see if I could get suppressive therapy just so that I could add that to the conversation to alleviate some anxiety (for myself and her) but I live in NZ which only has 1 antiviral available and I don;t qualify since I don’t have symptoms.
There doesn’t seem to be much of a silver lining in this situation.
Sorry for the long winded stream of consciousness rant, just stressed and alone.
Thanks
Karl R says
HSV2+ said: (#88)
“I was diagnosed with herpes 2 days ago.”
“I have no idea how I’m going to break it to her,”
I would recommend breaking the news to her sooner instead of later. If you wait, you will also need to explain to her why you waited so long to tell her.
“I am so afraid that she will run for the hills”
That’s possible. She’ll be scared, upset, angry … and she might never want to see you again.
“she is only 21 and I work with her too.”
So there’s a small possibility that your coworkers will find out.
The worst-case scenario sucks … but you can survive all the consequences. You can’t control what she does; you can only control what you do. And the only ethical course of action here is for you to let her know what’s going on.
HSV2+ says
Thanks Karl R, broke the news the best I could.
She totally understands which is obviously not what I was expecting. Guess I just worked myself up a bit too much.
Smiling again now. 😀
Sarah says
I was raped four years ago and contracted herpes type 1. Since then I have been married…I told him while we were still dating and way before we were sexually active. Later on in our marriage he began an affair with my so called best friend and told me he didn’t love me anymore. Now, I am not divorced from him yet but we are separated and I have begun a relationship with a great guy…right now we only talk and things like that…we talk seriously about having a future together…(we knew eachother before me and Chris were married…we know eachother well or we wouldn’t be talking marriage so soon…and won’t be getting married soon lol). He is a virgin…saving himself for marriage, as I had planned on as well….he knows that I was raped but I have never mentioned having herpes…and I am scared to. I am terrified to. I pray that telling him is not what brings him to a final decision. It’s already hard on him and me both that I have been married before and did not save myself for him. But we’ve decided we can get around that fact. But what if when I tell him I have herpes he turns away from me…even though I contracted it from a guy that raped me. How do I deal with this?!
Karl R says
Sarah said: (#91)
“what if when I tell him I have herpes he turns away from me even though I contracted it from a guy that raped me.”
Then you know he’s an insensitive and uncompassionate bastard.
“How do I deal with this?!”
Explain the situation to him. HSV-1 is the type that causes cold sores. It can be transmitted by kissing. The vast majority of the population has it.
So you explain the situation to him in as factual of a manner as you can.
“It’s already hard on him and me both that I have been married before and did not save myself for him.”
This raises all sorts of red flags for me. I can understand religious beliefs that state that you should save yourself for marriage. You did that (not counting circumstances outside your control).
It seems extremely narcissistic if he has an issue with you not being a virgin for him. If that is the case, it seems like he is more focused on himself than you.
Michael says
It’s already hard on him and me both that I have been married before and did not save myself for him.
Not too hard, otherwise he would not be with you.
HSV-1 is the type that causes cold sores. It can be transmitted by kissing.
So abstinence is not effective against preventing herpes.
Anon Male says
I have had herpes for about 2.5 years now and cannot bring myself to tell anyone about it. I feel ashamed and scared at the thought of not being able to tell my girlfriend, who loves me wholeheartedly. I think I could have passed it on to her too. Emotionally I have become trapped. I’m torn between the two sides of good and evil. My future really does seem limited now, and I do not think I could ever sum up the courage to tell anyone. I thought I could carry on just sleeping around, protected of course, but soon realized that the need to be loved cannot be erased.
When I first found out I had genital herpes I was thrown into complete disarray. I could not cope with all the stress it had suddenly brought me, and I ended up losing the job I loved as the signs of stress grew ever more visible. My boss at the time knew there was something bothering me and began probing me. I wanted to tell him, as things said would have been held confidentially, but I could not. The thought of my boss knowing this personal, shameful, embarrassing truth about me simply ate me up inside, and although he said everything would be confidential, how could I believe him? Thus he concluded I was just an unreliable employee and subsequently I was sacked.
Since then I have coped relatively okay and am working again. The problem for me is that I am a good looking guy who attracts a lot of girls on a regular basis. There was a time when I felt I’d been blessed, but now with this condition it is hard to feel that way. The more attention from girls I receive, the more I am reminded of my fated truth and the more I feel a sense of loneliness. Until now I have not faced up properly to this condition, but i hope in the near future I can even more.
I don’t want to be lonely and I don’t want to give this virus to anybody either. With that said, I do not know what life entails for me. I don’t think I can truly be happy anymore. Sometimes I think of retreating to the Lord for help but am afraid I will not get the solution to the problem I am looking for, thus taking away the little faith in God that I have left…
Al says
If your girlfriend loves you wholeheartedly then why does it matter that other girls find you oh, so attractive? You’re lucky to have one who loves you. The fact that you are oddly focused on your attractiveness to other women and that you didn’t inform your current GF smells suspiciously like Narcissism to me. Just sayin.
You should buck up, be a man, and tell the woman. Why do men find it so hard to be straight forward and honest? When did men become such cowards?
Tired of This says
Anon: yes, you should tell your girlfriend. Now. And she has a right to be pissed off and hurt because you didn’t tell her sooner but rather chose to expose her to H without her consent.
BUT (and this is a big but!) Herpes is NOT a death sentence; it is not even a serious medical condition in the vast majority of people who have it. It is basically a glorified skin rash and I wish people would stop blowing it out of proportion. Also, genital herpes is no worse than oral herpes, but many in the Western world make it out to be simply because of outdated puritanical sexual mores that view anything “genital” as bad.
If you tell someone you have it and they don’t want to take the mild chance of contracting a skin rash while sleeping with you, they are doing you a favor. You deserve to be with people who value everything you have to offer and who don’t view all that as outweighed by a freaking rash!
The brits tend to view this more rationally than the yanks: http://www.herpes.org.uk/
Michael says
Virgins can get herpes.
Janey says
My experience as a person who does not have Herpes but who went on two dates with a person who has Herpes, he, from date one, was pushing the physical attraction. At date two, he was talking all about the kind of sex he liked. He did extend me the courtesy of telling me he had Herpes and this was because he felt we might have sex soon. He really could have cared less about me, it was more about him wanting to do it. So he attempted to sell the idea of the great sex we would be having and when he thought he had me almost where he wanted me, he informed me he had Herpes. To me this is unethical and scary. After I rejected him, he was kind enough to tell me in very vulgar terms what he feels is wrong with my physical appearance. My opinion, tell the person from the very beginning.
Cynthia says
Janey, nothing he did sounds “unethical”. He told you he had Herpes prior to becoming sexually involved. That is ethical. You weren’t interested in having sex with him, you thought he was creepy, fine. But he did his duty by you in telling you. In fact, while you are slamming him, you should take a moment and give him *credit* for honorably telling you.
Also think about the people you have dated that you didn’t end up wanting to sleep with, and in fact ended up being repelled by. I’m sure they had some characteristics that stand out in your mind. Maybe one was very tall, or had freckles, or was pursuing a law degree. That doesn’t mean that those characteristics *caused* those people to act in ways that you found unappealing. Neither did your date’s having Herpes *cause* him to treat you the way he did. There’s really no relationship at all between the behavior you didn’t like and his having Herpes. Plenty of people who have it do not move as fast as he does. Plenty of people who have it look at their potential sexual partner as a full human being rather than just a sexual outlet. Please do not erroneously connect the fact that he had Herpes with the way he treated you. Things are hard enough with people who have H as it is without additional unwarranted bad press. Don’t become prejudiced! that would be your flaw, not his.
Karl R says
Janey said: (#97)
“when he thought he had me almost where he wanted me, he informed me he had Herpes. To me this is unethical and scary. […] My opinion, tell the person from the very beginning.”
Let’s imagine for a moment that you had herpes (perhaps you caught it from someone who didn’t tell you at all .. or didn’t even know they had it.)
There are people that you don’t want to know that you have herpes: coworkers, family members, people at your church. You are ethically obligated to tell anyone who might run the risk of catching it from you, however.
The more people you tell about your STD, the more people who could potentially blab it to your coworkers, your family, etc.
Are you going to put the information in your Match.com profile? Of course not. You have no idea who might be reading it. Are you going to tell someone on the first date? Why would you? 90% of the first dates go nowhere.
The logical decision is to wait until there’s a chance that the relationship might go somewhere / get physical. That’s what Janey’s date did.
“After I rejected him, he was kind enough to tell me in very vulgar terms what he feels is wrong with my physical appearance.”
He shouldn’t have insulted you.
On the other hand, I have no idea what you said when you rejected him. He may have been reacting to the manner in which he had been rejected. Even if you did insult him, he still shouldn’t have insulted you … but few people will remain polite under those circumstances.
Itchy says
I’ve had genital herpes for over 16 years! I contracted it through oral from a girl I was on and off with through my early teen years.
Seriously not a big deal, and reading through this thread I’ve larfed at the overreactions some folk have!
Eczema is a bigger pain in the arse!(not that I have it! I would honestly not date someone with a skin condition like that..:P)
In short, if you understand the full implications and are aware how and when it can be spread and take the proper steps to informing potential partners, your life won’t end.
Peace out kids.
Al says
I have HSV2 and Psoriasis. The Psoriasis is, by far, the bigger nuisance.
Amanda says
Hello all, I have had herpes since I was 20. (I’m 24 almost 25 now) The man that gave it to me didnt inform me before and convinced me to have sex without a condom because it “feels better”. After three months of dating I finally decided it was the right time to lose my virginity to him. I thought I was in love with him and the whole nine yards. About three months into my sexual life I got my first outbreak. I was heartboken and my world just crumbled aroud me. I told my two best friends and my mother! And of course the guy who I got it from and he denied knowing anything…anyway, I have been dealing and living with this since then and really havent had any problems with it. I have only had the one really bad initial break out so i consider myself one of the lucky ones!
Then reason I am writing today is that I recently told the man I have fallen in love with that I have herpes. I was s terrified that for sure he would say ok I dont want to deal with this and that would be the end of that!
I read a post of your on how to tell someone you have herpes, and I followed your recommendations to a “t”.
IT WORKED! I sat him down in a non sexual atmosphere, before anything sexual happend…I told him very casually “like it was no big deal” and he just looked at me and said dont worry im not going anywhere…I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet and and so thankful that I read your page before this happend. Made me feel very confident and reassured that it would all be ok! IF THERE THE RIGHT PERSON…THEY WILL MAKE IT WORK AND LOVE YOU FOR YOU! To anyone who has yet to tell the person there inteested in I suggest wait untill you know they are in it for you and actually have feelings for you! choose your partners carefully and respect yourself….nothing is wrong with you and I am leading normal and healthy life and now after crossing this milestone…I have never been more in love then I am today and I hope to continue falling in love everyday from here on out!
GOOD LUCK AND THE BEST OF WISHES TO EVERYONE!!!
~*Amanda*~
Amanda says
Elle#69
My advise to you is think of your reaction when you started to date that man who had it that you where wit for 2 years. im sory you didnt get out without the simplex however you understood and cared for this man for a long time. why wouldnt someone do the same thing for you….please remember that herpes is soooo common and the people who say terrible things about anyone who has it are just insecure bullies…an dont listen to anyones BS! Oh and there ignorant! keep you head up and stay positive and confident and you will DRAW the right one too you! thats what i did! Good Luck!
Amanda
Sandy says
I have had herpes for 18 years now ,I am 32 and married twice with two children. I have told every single person I have ever had sex with and no one ever seem to mind. Now I am getting a divorce and I will eventually have to tell someone again. Except know since I have been with the same person for 8 years and starting fresh I don’t really know how to break the news anymore. So I just don’t date and im getting pretty lonely,so I would like to thank all of you for helping me with your comments and now I feel that I am ready to give it another shot. Thank You, Sandy M.
mimi says
i was just diagnosed with hsv2. i dont know how long i’ve had it or who i got it from. i dont think i’ve even had an outbreak. i always got tested for std’s but i guess this was never included. i actually asked for the herpes test this time. how is this gonna effect me? is it bad not to have outbreaks? does this mean i am going to get worse outbreaks later on? does this affect the rest of my health?
i am dating a guy, we live together, how do i tell him? Can i still have children? will it affect them? is there anyway to tell how long i’ve actually had the disease?
Al says
OK. First off, you are exactly the same person you were before you took that test. Nothing has changed except that you now have some information you didn’t before. Secondly, absolutely, you can still have children. If you are in an active outbreak at the time of the birth they will opt to do a c-section to protect the baby. Easy Peasy. Third, you live with this man so he obviously cares for you. Besides, how do you know HE didn’t give it to YOU? It could have come from either direction so there’s no need to freak out.
Jess says
Hey everyone,
This website has made me feel a little better.
I was diagnosed at 25 after I had been dating the same guy for a year (long-distance). I knew he had cold sores and didn’t really know much about them, other than the fact that I shouldn’t kiss him with one.
Before we became intimate, I asked him to get tested. He did, and we didn’t use protection. (He was the first person I had ever not used protection with.) About a year into the relationship, we’re on vacation and I start to get a terrible itch down there and I knew something was up. The first doctor said it was just a UTI, but the second doctor saw a tiny dot and decided to take a culture and test for herpes. I freaked!
About 5 weeks later she called me in to her office, and told me I had HSV II. My world as I had known it seemed to come crashing down. For months and months I cried about it and didn’t want to really tell anyone but, since the boy was long-distance, I needed to tell my closest girlfriends. They helped me through so much and I don’t know what I would have done without them.
Even though he and I are still together (I am 26 and he is 29) how am I to know if this is going to last? It turned out that he had HSV II as well (he went and got tested) so now we are both in the same boat. I’m taking tons of olive leaf extract (stops viral replication) and trying to be as healthy as possible, and so far I’ve only had on little dot since then…and what I have to tell people that don’t have it is that this is much more a psychological disease for most of us, than a physical one. It’s the fact that media has made this thing out to be so much more than what it really is. And what really makes me mad are the people with cold sores who refuse to believe that they could transmit this. My bf could have had HSV II on his mouth (rare but poss) and given it to me. Why do we stigmatize this thing in one area and not the other? Herpes is herpes, people. The stats are 1/4 women has it, and 1/5 has it. That means you’ve probably come into contact with someone who has it.
Don’t you think that if it was life-threatening or even serious, it would be included in STD screenings?
Still working on my loss of self-esteem from this. Please someone tell me the psychological aspect of it goes away with time!
Jess says
Also- about having children. Think about it- 25-30% of women have this, but only about 2-3% of them know they have it. Neonatal herpes is extremely rare, and those women with known cases of herpes before they get pregnant are 0.01% likely to pass it on to their offspring. Considering all the other mishaps that can happen during pregnancy, I think that’s pretty rare. If you know you have it, you can #1 : take precautions (eating right, taking acyclovir during the last trimester) and #2 – your body will produce antibodies that protect the baby. The problem occurs when you get herpes for the first time during your pregnancy- a lot of women don’t realize what they have is herpes and unknowingly, have a vaginal birth and in turn can pass the herpes onto the baby.
Robyn says
This forum is very interesting to me. I am happy that I stumbled upon it. I am 22 years old, and I found out about 9 months ago that I have genital herpes. I initially thought it was because I had cut myself while shaving… I know, you may be thinking “huh?” lol, well it’s true. I actually went to two different emergency rooms, because I could barely walk. The first doctor I went to told me it was an infected liason from me shaving, and wrote me a topical prescribtion for it. IT MADE IT WORSE. When I went to the second hospital, the doctor examined me and immediately told me it was genital herpes. I had never had any STD, and catching one has always been my biggest fear. I was in a relationship for 2 years with my -ex and we decided to have unprotected sex to take it to the next level which was the turning moment in my life.
Since I have learned of my infection, I had not been in a relationship until recently. I am so in love with this man, but I have no idea how I am going to tell him. We have been discussing marriage and children. We have not been sexually active in any form, but it is something that I know he is growing impatient with. I am afraid to have sex because I am afraid to infect him, or anyone else. I have had an outbreak ecery month and I am on suppressive therapy (Valtrex). My immune system has always been weak, and if my research is correct, it is almost impossible for me to NOT spread the virus.
Please someone help me. What else can I do to make the outbreaks occur less frequently? How do I tell the man that I love that I am infected with an incurable disease?
AZ L says
Robyn and all. This has been an informative read. there are Lots of moral issues in dealing with spreading diseases. Most people, to
my knowledge, have discomfort with genital herpes and is an inconvienance which is dealt with through medication which is fairly effective symptom suppression. But some people are sensitive to medications and cannot take them. In honesty, it’s not always easy or convienient to be open and honest. I unknowingly gave my ex herpes. I was suspicious but was in denial. I have perfect health otherwise. She forgave me which was great since we were both deeply in love. It made little differance to her at the time, but she could not take medication for it and I am sure she is upset with me for it. We no longer speak although because of our desire to get back together not out of anger. It didn’t work so we avoid the hardships and don’t speak. But I often wonder how that effects her now. Now I have found some one else I want to be serious with, I will reveal this imperfection. I hope that she has it too so I don’t go through the moral Delima again. Love is irresistible, I hope, that my honesty will be rewarded. Not scorned.
AZ L.
L says
Hi All
Wow what a lively discussion. I think it is safe to say there will always be judgemental people , people that need to put others down and always be right and make others feel small or stupid for their apparent “disabilities” or “differences” – it doesn’t matter what they say what matters is how you respond. Most of the time these people want a reaction from you don’t give it to them.
I discovered recently after a period of terrible stress during which my mother was dying of lung cancer and I was looking after her that i had herpes II – I have not had sex with anyone for 18mths and at this stage have no idea who I have contracted it from. I have been in two long term relationhsips in the last 12 years. I too cried and cried when i first found out and it affected me terribly mentally and emotionally which resulted in 3 consecutive outbreaks over 4mths. It has been terrible. But I have vowed to be honest because I agree you need to be honest and I have told the man I am dating ( for only 3mths and then we have had 3mths apart because of my mum being ill and dying) and he has been great. It is true that someone who loves you will not care about this. Love really is the answer here and also to love yourself through this. You can get through it surrounded by people you love and just know that people will always have some crazy awful attitudes about it – you just have to find a way for your own sanity to rise above that and see it as what it is – a virus that Yes can cause some painful skin condition but nothing is the end of the world. To see what my mum went through as she was dying really gave me some perspective on this. Honesty will be rewarded with love and love is what we are – people that act out as something else will ultimately hurt themselves rather than you and do you know what if someone wanted to sue me or something equally ridiculous I would let them and just know that as spiritual beings we are all perfect and nothing can really hurt us unless we allow it to – their own selfish need to pump up their ego will ultimately destroy them and their chance of happiness. Just continue to BE the love and peace you want to see in the world and you will be just fine.
ps it is possible that LED light therapy can also help breakouts and may seriiuosly reduce the psosibility of future breakouts – the blue light mayb reduce the virus and the red will promote healing – i have the omnilux hand held light.
ewan says
well yes. people who do love you will not dump you because of this. but if you are single then it is quite a problem to get a person YOU like to fall in love with you. and even if you date someone who loves you, there would be questions where did you get this std, or if you havent cheated on this person i bet he would like to know why did you hid this from him this way putting him at risk.
ewan says
There is one more thing i would like to add. It is only right to tell a new person that you have just met about your herpes problem on the FIRST date before this person makes any big expectations and especially before you both make any physical contact, because you are putting him at risk. But then again who speaks of stds and his own genitals (infected with a nasty contagious disease, in fact) on the first date? if you do not want to be a jerk who deliberately spreads diseases you have to be a nasty (honest though) creep and hope that there is someone who is desperate enough to go on with a complete stranger who enjoys sharing descriptions of his infectious genitals to a date. Yes it sounds awful but you know it is true. If a girl that gave me this disease would have told me this when i first met her, i would not have it in the first place.
Also I get annoyed of this “he will respect me for who i am, and i am worth it” talk. not every person on the world is that great that contracting incurable diseases just to hang out for a while is totally worth it. Also you should consider the other person also as good as yourself, and this means he can and deserves to be with someone who is great (as you are i suppose) and also healthy.
All in all, i want to say that people being dishonest and me being honest has made me a terribly lonely person and i am not going let anyone close to me as long as this person doesnt know my herpes statuss. also, i will not date everyone who is ready to date me if i do not like them. that is just low. So please, for healthy humankind sake, get tested regulary and if you are infected-please inform anyone whi might be at risk.
Karl R says
ewan said: (#111)
“It is only right to tell a new person that you have just met about your herpes problem on the FIRST date before this person makes any big expectations and especially before you both make any physical contact, because you are putting him at risk.”
I agree that the person with an STD needs to communicate this before there is physical contact which puts the other person at risk. I disagree that this discussion needs to occur on the first date, or before the other person makes any big expectations. (How is the other person supposed to know if/when you are forming big expectations?)
I had a girlfriend who had Hepatitis C (which can be communicated as an STD). She told me about it when it appeared likely that we would become physically intimate. That was sufficiently early to allow me to investigate what my risk was, and how best to minimize my risk.
For this woman, very few of her relationships went past a few casual dates. Most began and ended without her ever needing to tell the man that she had an STD. If she told every guy on the first date, she would unnecessarily be sharing embarrassing private information (often to men she didn’t know well enough to know whether they could keep a confidence).
ewan said: (#111)
“If a girl that gave me this disease would have told me this when i first met her, i would not have it in the first place.”
I’m a little confused.
Are you saying that she told you after you started dating her, but before you had sex with her? If that was the case, did you make an informed decision to accept the risk of having sex with her, despite the possible consequences? And if that is the case, are you suggesting that it’s her fault that she didn’t tell you on your first date (when it would have been easier to dump her) instead of waiting until there was a greater degree of emotional involvement?
If that’s the case, you’re blaming her for a decision that you made.
If she told you that she had HSV 2 before you were physically intimate, then she did the ethical thing.
ewan says
“Are you saying that she told you after you started dating her, but before you had sex with her?”
I did not want to confuse you. I knew this girl just a little, i did not date her (did not intend to do it either), just had two intimate evenings.
the problem is that people look up sites like this and read that herpes is not a big deal. so they forget about it, and when it comes to having sex or kiss with someone they do not feel the need to inform the other person, they just think “it probably gonna be fine, so many people have it so it is nothing special”. i know a few people who have had herpes and they have dated my other friends etc and as far as i know none of them have been informed. but when they see that their partner (who had herpes) have an outbreak they do not mind much. and not because they are ok with it but because they do not know anything about herpes. most of them thought that herpes cures all by themselves and never returns, many thought that herpes are not an infection (they thought it is just a cracked lip or a pimple on the lip). when i revealed the facts to some of my friends they all got afraid to kiss a girl at a party and even to share a glass with someone.
so i disagree with people here saying that educated people will accept this. people who accept someone elses herpes just do not know the facts.
“I disagree that this discussion needs to occur on the first date, or before the other person makes any big expectations. (How is the other person supposed to know if/when you are forming big expectations?)”
Well hypothetically the difference between hiv and herpes in this situation is non existent. why should someone be wasting his time with someone who has something that might make him not want to proceed this relationship. perhaps the person is not affected by this information, maybe he is, but he deserves to know it and make this decision asap. if infected people deserve a chance then what makes you think a healthy person does not deserve to know that he is involving in to something hazardous and unreversable. it is his health, his life, his precious time and his choice. respect that first, and THEN wait others to respect you, because he is the one who is at risk not you.only thing you loose is another could-have-been relationship which most probably would have ended at some point anyway.
bozo says
As I understand them, the facts are:
1) Sores or no sores, you can transmit herpes at any time, once you get it;
2) Each time a non-infected person has sex, they double their risk (if it’s a 1% chance, and they have sex with an infected partner twice, then they have a 2% chance of getting it — if they have sex with an infected partner 100 times, it is closer to a likelihood of 100% — basic statistics);
3) There is no cure;
4) The symptoms vary from mild to severe;
5) Get it, you have it for life;
6) You then become the person who has to disclose.
7) The big risk is pregnancy/birth, which can be handled by Caesarean section.
Herpes can be no more outrageous than a cold sore, and is often not much more than that. So usually the problem is NOT the medical condition, though that is real. It’s the social stigma, which is also real. If you have sex with someone who has it, then you run the risk of getting it yourself. When you get it, you spend the rest of your life on blogs like this one trying to rationalize the terrible feelings of rejection that you feel, Valtrex commercials or not. Now I can see taking the risk and even getting the disease from a partner you plan to spend the rest of your life with, if that infected oerson is able to step up to the plate in a committed long term relationship and you are too. But I find it hard to understand why anyone looking for casual sex, or even anyone in a vulnerable, short term, or even starting relationship — why such people would be willing to walk away with a lifelong stigma just to have a short term affair. Of course I don’t know the actual infection risks, but I can guess the future rejection risk — my guess is that 70% of people will refuse to have sex with a new partner who discloses herpes, if they fully understand the condition, the social stigma, and the fact that it is contagious at all times. I wish it were not the case, and I would love to be corrected in what I write. So this is not a small deal. Medically the effects may be small, socially the effects are enormous. Really we’re talking about becoming a sexual outcast, or a sexual castaway. If it has happened to you and you can carry on a sex life, kudos. You are extremely good looking, extremely charming, or a wonderful wonderful person.
CL says
I really just wanted to express my experience. I’ve learned so much and seen many different opinions just from reading these posts… thank you all.
I’ve been at a loss here… trying to figure out how people in the “real” world handled this. I’ve learned that everyone has a different way. Some tell right away, some wait ’till about the 3-4th date, and others wait ’till there’s an emotional connection. We’re all right… we know what’s right for ourselves, but I really needed to see what everyone else did too.
I get so pissed off and wish I could sue, but then would have to have gotten a previous test and go through court, etc… I rarely even go out anymore, but I was stupid one night, went out ’cause my daughter was having a sleep over, my tolerance was WAY too low so I chose to trust someone on that night and believe he really liked me and wanted to date… I hadn’t been with anyone for 4 years and before that, only 2 in the 6 years before that. I know where this came from, who, and when (June 24th, 2009). I just didn’t/don’t have the energy and time to deal with revenge, court, humiliation, etc… I live in a VERY small town too.
After a year I tried to move on and take what good I can get from it. I now am trying to connect first…emotionally. THis is something I should have been doing anyway, so it’s a good thing. In June 2010 I was set up with a friend of a friend. He was in Iraq when I began talking to him, but that didn’t stop us from talking every day on IM and a couple phone calls too. He was very proactive about starting a relationship UNTIL… I wanted to give him the choice I didn’t get. Now it’s fine and I respect that someone wouldn’t want to risk getting it. I would have told that guy “no” if I’d known. He just slipped away to a distance that’s not gone, but not there… he won’t just say that he doesn’t want to risk it. Coward!
So, if someone tells you they have it, please be kind enough to reciprocate the honesty. I’m all hung up. He said it didn’t scare him away and that he was OK with it, but his actions don’t say that at all. I’m so upset and it just makes me feel worse. I am a decent looking girl, but feel like an Ogre (sp?) lol
Thanks again for all the info… super helpful.
Shell says
Please remember the statistics! 1 in 5 people have this. 1 in 5…. stand in a room with 20 people and 4 of them will have it!
This is so very common. If you don’t have it you know someone who does have, or many people who have it.
I caught GHSV1 through oral sex. The guy did not tell me he suffered from cold sores. You are NEVER safe from catching this. Society needs to remember the facts… 1 in 5 people! A number of your friends would have it! its just not something we openly disclose. Yes it is embarassing and humiliating when you are first diagnosed… but rememeber (i say it again) 1 in 5 people have HERPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i was first diagnosed i told one of my best friends and it turned out EXACTLY the same thing happened to her!
For those who do not currently have it… each time you have sex (or oral for that matter) you come closer and closer to probably getting infected. This is just the danger of being sexually active. It is your decision who you chose to be sexually active with, but do not treat this virus like it is a death sentence. 1 in 5 people are walking around with it and you could never tell! hey… it may be you that has it but you are yet to be diagnosed!
Al says
Well, actually, with HSV1 it’s closer to 8 out of every 10 people infected as the CDC estimates it’s 80% of the population. HSV2 is the one that’s one in five.
Karl R says
Shell said: (#116)
“Please remember the statistics! 1 in 5 people have this.”
You might want to check your statistics. Approximately 1 in 5 adults have HSV-2 (genital herpes), though only 1/3 show symptoms.
For HSV-1 (cold sores), about 50% of teens and young adults have it, about 80% to 90% of middle-aged adults test positive for exposure. Again, only 1/3 show symptoms.
http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm
http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html
I haven’t heard of anyone having their dating cramped by HSV-1.
Dan says
I am 18 and lost my virginity to my ex-girlfriend of 2 years who gave me herpes….what a fucking joke
so heres my expression. I used to think my life was ruined but its totally not. Matter of fact I am thankful that I have herpes…what a better person it has made me…In every single way, careing, being thoughtfull, appreciateing the little things…
Common people, dont let it bring you down…Sure girls have turned me away because of it…good for them, I probably would have done the same.
Some will, some wont, so what?
God has given you this life. Make the most of it, and live everyday as if it were your last because you know what?
Your beautiful.
Denise says
#118
You have a really good attitude Dan, that will take you a very far way in life!
Kurt S. says
I think that a girl with herpes or any other STD needs to let the guy know right away. Some guys might not care, but some definitely will care. If you make a guy spend money and effort taking you out on a few dates and then tell him that you have herpes, that seems to be deceitful.
ks says
it is funny how everyone is worried about herpes. oral herpes and genital are the same however they both have diff site preferences. why are we not kissing with dental damns? it is not a big deal. considering oral herpes is more dangerous than genital, it can cause ocular herpes and cause blindess. don’t let the fact that it is on the family jewels make it such a huge deal. it is considerate to tell your new partner. it is even estimated 1 in 3 people have it and bc they do not have outbreaks do not know. suing people over stds? guess i forgot how ridiculous some people are. Get out there and start dating! make sure u ask your partner to get tested as well before having sex, he or she may end up realizing they have it. understand it is important to get tested before sleeping around, it would prevent a lot of people from getting this virus.
M~ says
I just found out 3 days ago that I have HSVII. I was scared, but not shocked, as my ex husband of 8 years had it and I knew about it. We were always very careful, but still, there is always a “chance” of spreading the virus… I had no idea that my 2 cold sores I get a year, are genital herpes as well. The doctor enlightened me that the can come up anywhere, as HSVI can show in the genitals… Well.. I just wanted to say thank you for all the helpful information! I have since met a nice man and now that I’m armed with all the information I need, I’ll be prepared to answer his questions when that time comes in our relationship.
Sam says
You guys are lucky….I was seeing a woman on and off for 3 years..the past year exclusive…..she told me she had heerpes AFTER 3 YEARS……during the ‘conversation’ She admitted that she told 2 other men she had it before she slept with them…..I tested negative thank God……lets just say I was stunned,deflated etc on a nmber of levels….
Mike says
I’ve read a few people who have mild cases say it is not a big deal. Well I suppose if you have a mild case it is not a big deal. I got herpes from someone who told me after sex, I stayed because I was already in love but let me tell you it is a big deal. Most people have mild 1-5 times a year outbreaks, mine are almost constant and herpes is INSIDE my Urethra and on tip of penis as well as underside, extremely painful. Recently becoming single from the person I got it from I now cannot even imagine passing this on to anyone. Considering how horrible my case of herpes is how could I possibly tell someone it is not that big a deal. Yeah I know all about valtrex and other meds, have spent thousands on them, no help. Doctor even says mine might be resistant to these anti virals. So it is a big deal – I will never get to kiss and be passionate with a woman again – bitter hell yeah.
HGirl says
This is why I love EMK! This thread is so helpful to me right now, because I am falling in love with a wonderful man and we have had three dates that have been just perfect. The chemistry is electric between us and I know that I want to sleep with him. However, he is a recent widower, and I am scared of having the “talk,” even though I know I must.
I have had HSV-II and I all my adult life. I contracted it when I was 20 (I am now 50) from a guy that not only didn’t tell me, dumped me after I complained that I had a rash on my genitals. I hadn’t had sex with anyone else, and it had to be him. My own experience of having the talk has been mixed. My ex-husband never caught it. One guy I told in the last year wouldn’t have sex with me, but wanted to just go out on dates and make out. Another guy I dated for four months was fine with it at first, sympathetic actually, but told me finally that having sex with me was too much work because of condoms and being careful that he just didn’t enjoy it. I think he had other issues though. And still a third said it was fine, we had sex, used condoms, but then he went on a website and freaked out … said we shouldn’t have even kissed! I don’t know what he read, but he clearly didn’t get it, and said that I should have told him before we even went out (I told him on the second date when it became clear that we might be intimate that evening).
So, I have decided that I will tell my new guy the next time we are together, and give him time to process it before we may become intimate. He just had a procedure the other day and can’t have sex of any kind (even self-administered) until Sunday at least, so now is a good time. If he walks, he walks. That is the risk I take. He may say its ok and two months down the road decide that its not ok. Thats the risk I take there too. I think that it might be easier to date others who have the condition, but there are those who have successful relationships where one has it and the other doesn’t. You just have to be honest and upfront, and let the pieces fall where they may. The risk of NOT telling is far greater, and if your new love then decides to dump you after having sex, then I think you have it coming, IMHO. But it is something that can be lived with, and I have definitely lived with it for a long time, not happily, but more as an inconvenience than anything else. It is not a death sentence, but when others treat you like a leper, it can be pretty shocking to the self-esteem. But I thinkj that says more about them than it does about me.
Gina says
My ex boyfriend, whom I dated for a little over a year had genital herpes. Shortly after we split, two months ago, I got tested and the results came back negative. YAY!!
I loved him and I always felt that who he was as a person was so much more than the fact that he had genital herpes. With that said, I broke up with him when I realized that our relationship was no longer heading towards marriage (at some point along the way I became short term rather than long term relationship material)
I am SO THRILLED that even though I unexpectedly found myself back on the market, I was able to leave the relationship the same way in which I entered it – disease free. I thank god that I walked away with only a broken heart. I would have been DEVASTATED if I would have ended up with BOTH a broken heart AND an incurable STD! Especially so since he let me walk away so easily and has now moved on to his next girlfriend. It made me realize that I wasn’t as important to him as he’d originally lead me to believe.
My feeling now is that if the relationship isn’t going to lead to marriage, it isn’t worth my taking the risk of contracting and incurable sexually transmitted disease from a man with whom I have no future with.
TheGift says
I was diagnosed with Herpes II two years ago. Not sure when I got it though. Anyway, I met a guy only a MONTH after finding out about it. I waited for a month before I told him. He said thats nothing, and we stayed in a relationship for two years and we never used protection, nor was I on suppressive therapy and he is herpes free. He just got tested again in Feb, and is still herpes free. My doctor said transmission possibility is 10%, but who knows?
Anyway, I told another guy and he said that Im not dirty, I just get bumps from time to time. LOL
So far, my experience has been positive. Mainly because I refuse to even talk about sex until i tell them about my little friend.
Laura says
I had my first breakout in 2004. Since then, it’s been a long tough road – the toughest part is telling potential partners.
I’ve had the talk several ways and I’ve found the best way is to tell them before sex, when hormones aren’t running high.
Its usually best to be confident when talking about it. But i’ve had a couple situations where I was totally crying, and even then, those two guys understood. One of the guys ended up telling me that he used to work at an STD clinic, so he was very knowledgeable on the subject. And another guy, I was crying when I told him, and he just held me and said it was ok, that he was ok with it.
Another time, I had just come back from dinner with a guy, we were sitting in his car and he had somewhere to go, so he was just dropping me off and leaving. I wasn’t really sure how to say it, so I just said it, “I have something to tell you – I’ve had herpes for years. And I’ll understand if you don’t want to move forward with our situation.” And then he said, “Well, I”m gonna need some time to think about it.” I said, “Of course” and I got out of the car and walked inside my apartment. I was just holding back the tears – I really didn’t want to cry in front of him. I didn’t hear from him for weeks, til finally he texted me and we had a conversation via text about it. We ended up dating for about 6 months after that.
Though, sometimes, I think that if a guy does decide to go ahead with sex, then that just shows that he actually likes me and cares for me. The guys who have ran away right away were the ones where there really wasn’t much of a friendship/relationship/deep interest before I disclosed the info to them.
I’ve also been pretty open and specific on things we can do in bed to keep him from getting infected. If he’d prefer to not have oral sex I’m ok with that…and just have sex with condoms….use toys….kissing a lot…holding hands…masturbating together…etc…anything that makes him feel comfortable about the situation.
I’ve told them that I haven’t had a breakout in years, and that I’m focusing on diet/exercise to help reduce the chance of spreading. I’ve also told them that I can take medication, to reduce the chance of spreading, though I’ve read that after a while taking the medication can be toxic to the body. I’ve read that there are no studies on a person who’s taken medication beyond one year.
The crying and negative energy I’ve previously expressed when telling a few guys didn’t phase them. But I’m sure there’s a guy out there who may have a poor reaction if I’m crying or too quiet. So…the next time I tell someone, I’m really gonna try hard to follow the suggestions that many websites offer on how to tell a partner – be confident and don’t cry and be ready to answer any questions they may have and encourage them to research more about it on their own. We’ll see how that goes for me… I currently have a love interest, and I wan’t to take it to the next level and have sex with him and I can’t sleep right now, worrying about his reaction…so I really hope he understands or tells me “Hey, I have herpes too!!” That would be awesome!! <3
Leslie says
I’ve read a lot of the comment here and have been offended by some and impressed by others. I am a female who has been HSV I positive for a little over a year. Which brings me to my observation.
A few people writing comments have been rather condescending, self-righteous and judgmental. I got genital Herpes I (commonly known as what most people get as cold sores around the mouth) through oral sex with a man who knew he got cold sores, did not have a cold sore at the time, had not had a cold sore for a decade and was tested regularly. As most doctors tell people, and most people believe, “they’re just cold sores” and “you don’t disclose this to your sexual partners”. So, he didn’t. Now, as we’ve read, nearly 80-90% of the population has HSV 1 of the mouth, commonly known as, cold sores.
My observation, and question is, I wonder how many of you with cold sores sit down and tell your potential partners “I have HSV 1 of the oral region and it can be transmitted to the genitals should we partake in unprotected oral sex, whether I have a visible cold sore or not. It’s called viral shedding and I thought I should let you know that as my potential partner.”
Really. How many of you do this?
Until this conversation is universal with people with herpes of ALL KINDS, I tend to ignore a lot of the snide, judgmental and condescending comments most people make to people with genital herpes because, more than likely, hypocrites with oral herpes never once having told a partner.
And, though I have HSV 1, with less outbreaks (I’ve only had one — the first — and will probably never have another because genital HSV 1 is not in it’s site of preference, therefore outbreaks are less severe and less in number) herpes really isn’t a big deal once you accept, deal, get support and move on with your life. In some ways, it’s empowering and life-saving, because you now have the option to increasingly date other herpes positive individuals who practice sexual responsibility and know exactly what they have.
I’d rather date these people than those who don’t know, don’t test, haven’t tested or think, just because they get little cold sores now and again, they’re safer (non-protected) sex partners than the rest of us.
Wondering says
I have been tested for herpes but won’t know the results for another 9 days. I will not engage in sex with my bf until I know the results and, if needed, have the talk. I’m really stressed and am afraid he’ll pick up on it plus how can I tell him no sex this weekend…I don’t like to lie and I’m not good at it…he’s going to want to get it on. What I’m wondering is should I tell him I’m being tested and it’s a possibilty (I won’t have to lie about no sex) or should I wait until I know for sure. Either way I’m afraid of being rejected.
Jen says
I was unknowingly contracted herpes 17 years ago. I found out about 10 years ago as I had an outbreak. I’m certain of who the person was and we did use a condom… they are not 100% as any skin to skin contact can transmit herpes. I told my BF at the time and he was fine with it. He was more concerned about how it affected me than about his chances of getting it. He was tested and never contracted it. We have since broken up and I’m now seeing someone else. I plan to tell the guy I am seeing. However, it is difficult.
Why is it so difficult? It’s the judgement of those that have posted here that I and others can do without. I’m 90% sure that the guy I am seeing will be understanding and it will not affect our relationship. The other 10% is due to some of those that have posted here not knowing anything about any type of illness. Cold sores are also herpes, but no one complains. You can get a regular cold sore in the genital area and it is still only a cold sore according to doctors. Don’t read what the internet has to say, because mostly it is written by those who don’t really know.
We are still human and should be treated as such. We don’t have a debilitating disease as we live normal lives. I haven’t had an outbreak in years and I have not transmitted it to anyone else. Yes, I can guarantee that. I can guarantee that 75% of those who have posted here have not been tested for any sexual disease. Why? Because they are too scared to find out if they have it as they don’t want someone to judge them. So don’t judge us.
Herpes does NOT cause illnesses, heart failure, lung failure, leprosy, joint problems, hair loss or any other disease that any person has stated here. As a matter of fact, it has NOT affected my daily life in any way, shape or form. What has affected me are those that are scared of something they do not know about. I NEVER judge others. Even before I found out, I never judged a friend who told me she got chlamydia from her BF who she thought was faithful. I NEVER judged a male friend who confided in me when he contracted genital warts unknowingly and he used a condom.
A cold, the flu, strep, pneumonia, meningitis affect MILLIONS of people each year. However, not one person here can tell me that they hide out in their house because they are scared to get it. There is no cure for the flu, for strep, for pneumonia, for the cold. You can still get it several times each year and it does debilitate you in someone herpes DOES NOT! Just for the record. I haven’t had a cold in over 10 years, never had the flu, pneumonia or meningitis. So think of that before you start judging others with HSV1 or 2, which both can be in genital area or on the mouth.
Karl R says
Jen said: (#131)
“As a matter of fact, it has NOT affected my daily life in any way, shape or form. What has affected me are those that are scared of something they do not know about.”
Indirectly, the social stigma is a side effect of HSV-2.
If I were to contract HSV-2, I would feel obliged to inform my partners before engaging in any behavior which put them at risk, and I’m quite aware that many women would refuse to date me for that reason (either becuase they misunderstand the physical effects or because they clearly understand the social stigma).
From a physical standpoint, HSV-2 is no more scary than HSV-1 (both my fiancée and I tested positive for HSV-1). But HSV-2 carries a serious social stigma. HSV-1 does not.
Jen said: (#131)
“I can guarantee that 75% of those who have posted here have not been tested for any sexual disease. Why? Because they are too scared to find out if they have it as they don’t want someone to judge them.”
Even if a person gets tested for STDs, they might not test for HSV. When I got tested, I had to specifically request that the lab test for HSV (and Hepatitis) or they wouldn’t have checked for it. And my doctor tried to talk me out of getting tested for HSV.
Jen says
Thanks for the reply! Some people seem to think that HSV1 is worse than HSV2. You are absolutely correct! Last Friday, I told the wonderful man I’m dating. He was completely fine with it. His exact words, “There are precautions that we can take. There is no way I am letting that come between us.” He truly is a great guy and that was a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders as I really do love him! I was terrified of being rejected. Your input was greatly appreciated.
what says
What a pointless conversation would that be .A 99.99999% of human population is infected permanently with viruses of :
-Flu ,Herpes ,chicken pox ,…………………………………………..
The rest gets infected as soon as it gets born
I’m stunned, amazed at your kind of logic which imply that you could carry a genome picture of yourself and presented to your boyfriend with the all viruses I just mention
Virtually all people 100 % are infected with all kind of viruses at some point at their life .There s no such think like I’m not infected
You all are .
The difference is only ia what stage of development is your virus and that reflects the symptomatic response Let say it we had some people with very weak immune system which got hard times suppressing viruses
(those are the immune compromised patients )
then we have all the rest they suppress the viruses constantly but at some point at your life with stress and hard times underway your immunity gets under attack and the viruses (mainly herpes ) surface on your lips
It a normal Almost everybody gets it .You can control your immune system like improving it to suppress the viruses by healthy lifestyle and moderate exegesis and balanced diet but when it comes to genetic you can only do nothing almost
The only problem comes if You meet HIV which render your immune system useless so you eider rest in peace or take medication for life to battle it
I just would say : Herpes is especially contagious and powerful when it comes from an open source in the mount directly .Even if your friend is contaminated as well additional attack to his immunity can cripple his immunity for short time just about like yourself
Herpes is life long infection It s never completely cured .The only think the boddy do perfectly with viruses is build the defenses and suppress them to the point of no no development stages .The real challenge to the science at the moment is just to get the picture how exactly works .
They find the extreme complexity of the behaiviour of this virus HSV 1or2
as he using the neuron fibers in the body to travel in the host as well the neuron sells when he hides deeply from the invading immune cells which look for him constantly to destroy him
At the current state of our science we are completely helpless to all kind of viruses so all you can do is just Fuc… your body when you feel good and contain yourself when you get breakout
Grateful says
Thank-you Cynthia for your contributions to this thread. You seem to be one of the few clear minded individuals that is posting something of value. For anyone new to this thread, just read what Cynthia has to say in particular post #48. I find what she has written as very accurate. Let’s not perpetuate the stigma attached with herpes, it does no one any good!!
Grateful says
Just to add to this, I thought I would add a piece from good old wikipedia surrounding ‘herpes hype’:
Since the creation of the herpes hype, some people experience negative feelings related to the condition following diagnosis, particularly if they have acquired the genital form of the disease. Feelings can include depression, fear of rejection, feelings of isolation, fear of being found out, self-destructive feelings, and fear of masturbation.[91] These feelings usually lessen over time. Much of the hysteria and stigma surrounding herpes stems from a media campaign beginning in the late 1970s and peaking in the early 1980s. There were multiple articles worded in fear-mongering and anxiety-provoking terminology, such as the now ubiquitous “attacks,” “outbreaks,” “victims,” and “sufferers.” At one point the term “herpetic” even entered the popular lexicon. The articles were published by Reader’s Digest, U.S. News, and Time magazine, among others. A made-for-TV movie was named Intimate Agony. The peak was when Time magazine had ‘Herpes: The New Scarlet Letter’ on the cover in August 1982, forever stigmatizing the word in the public mind.[71] The scientific reality is that most people are asymptomatic, the virus causes no real health problems for a vast majority of people, and a vast majority (around 90%) of the Earth’s population carries HSV-1, 2, or both.[92][93] Herpes support groups have been formed in the United States and the UK, providing information about herpes and running message forums and dating websites for “sufferers.” People with the herpes virus are often hesitant to divulge to other people, including friends and family, that they are infected. This is especially true of new or potential sexual partners whom they consider casual.[94]
samthedog says
I have found that most people,men and women who got herpes 2,when pressed, you find they were irresponsible and reckless….I dated a woman on and off for 2 years…the stupid ass told me at 2 years and 1 month that she HAD it,only cause she had an outbreak…for all I know it was a NEW case…point is, I dumped her ass…she claimed to have had it for 20 years, and yet was ignorant about it…how dare anyone play God with someone elses health….If you have herpes, im running for the hills….sorry, but thats the reality
chanel says
Hey it really great that i come across this !!!!! I decided to get a check up and it came back postitive!!!!!! im SO scared , angry , sad I cant see me having this !!!! Not me!!!!! MY sex life is SO OVER!!!! IM so confuse !!!! I dont understand!!! I feel so dirty!!!!!!
purplei says
i honestly am shocked that some of you think this is “not a big deal”! im sorry that some of you are unfortunate to have this horrible disease, but the only reason you think its “not a big deal” is because you have it yourself. no matter if you use condoms, are on medication, have no outbreaks or whatever- you can still pass it to another. and it is a crime in lots of states to sleep with someone knowing you have it and sleeping with someone and not informing them of it! its a felony in my state punishable by prison time. this deserves the social stigma it has. the outbreaks are painful, you basically have to be put on expensive medications for the rest of your life, those medications can cause long term side affects and it affects your future relationships with others. i have also read that 30 € percent of people with genital herpes have considered suicide. it also has far more affects on unborn children than most of you claim! it can cause brain damage and mental retardation, and i will find studies that say so and post them asap. i just cant believe this and i also do not believe some of you whem you say most peopke still chose to be/sleep with you after learning this. my friend did a study in highschool and when asking fellow students if they would sleep with a person or comtinue dating someone that had this when faced with all the facts, one thousand out of a thousand student said no. im sorry but its not a simple skin rash. people with herpes need to date other people with herpes. its selfish and disturbing that you would want to subject this disease on anyone, whether they were cool with it or not, regardless of if they had a choice. this deserves the stigma it has. period.
Al says
Purplei you are, hands down, one of the most willfully ignorant people I’ve heard from on this forum. You don’t know the first thing about what you are talking about, yet you pontificate with such arrogant authority. 1. It’s not a crime of any kind in any state if you disclose your status. 2. I am not on any kind of “expensive medication” and I’ve never had an outbreak, which is, in fact, the norm. 80% of those infected have no symptoms. 3. I have never once considered suicide. That’s asinine. 4. It does not effect the unborn child. The danger to a baby is if the mother is in an initial outbreak (having just caught it) during the birth. This is very easily dealt with by c-section. 5. I’ve only had one guy choose not to sleep with me after disclosure and we’re still friends. 6. I will never “subject this disease on anyone, ever.” I will always disclose my status and allow other adults to make adult decisions. 7. Have you ever had sex, condom or no condom, doesn’t matter? Have you ever shared a drink, spoon or gotten a kiss from a anyone with HSV1 (remember you can’t tell by looking at them and they may not know themselves)? If so, you need to get your ass tested ASAP before you spout anymore of your intolerant BS. 8. It’s too bad being a hyper critical nimrod doesn’t carry the “stigma” it deserves.
C says
I need help here. I have never been able to be formally diagnosed with herpes. Every time I have had sores, they are either gone by the time I get in to see a doctor, or the tests of sores come back as negative for herpes. A blood test I got showed I “was exposed to herpes at one time or another” acoording to my doctor. So, I am pretty sure I have it. I only get “outbreaks” once every several months or so (and I quoted outbreaks because again, the few times they were present when I got to a doctor it came back negative for herpes). So do I have herpes? Should I disclose this to a potential partner? How do you tell someone that blood tests came back postitive for herpes exposure, but no one can formally diagnose me?
Al says
If you test positive in a blood test you have herpes. Period. It doesn’t matter if you never have an outbreak. I’ve never had a single one, yet I still “have” herpes. Once it’s in your body it is there forever and you can pass it to others. That being said, it’s not the end of the world. But yes, you do have The Herp.
snuffles says
This is bullshit I’ve had herpes for over 6 years I got it from a man who had a full blown outbreak I didn’t know what it was but I new it was something wrong when I had sex with him he didn’t tell me he had it but asked to turn the lights off. your proobobly saying wtf why did you still do it *for drugs* that’s why I had an outbreak about a month later and had outbreaks very often while I was abusing drugs. Once I got clean the outbreaks decreased and even had sex during an outbreak *no telling that boyfriend no* and he didn’t get it I have had sex for 6 years with various people with the virus protected and unprotected and no one has ever gotten it from me. I think it’s a joke and I don’t think you should have to tell anyone that you have it. It was a deal breaker for me most times I told people.
snuffles says
lol if your blood tests positive for herpes you have herpes and to all the dousches out there who think you can sue you can’t I spoke to several lawyers about suing the person who gave it to me.
CadP says
I have been tested for herpes but won’t know the results for another 9 days. I will not engage in sex with my bf until I know the results and, if needed, have the talk. I’m really stressed and am afraid he’ll pick up on it plus I have to tell him no sex this weekend. I don’t like to lie and I’m not good at it…he’s going to want to get it on. I’m not sure i should I tell him I’m being tested and it’s a possibilty (I won’t have to lie about no sex) or if should I wait until I know for sure. Either way I’m afraid of being rejected.
snuffles says
get ready for rejection I was rejected by 99 percent of the guys i told i had herpes and I’m damn sure more than one had an STD and never told me shit.
Gloria says
And to people who don’t think you need to tell the person you’re going to sleep with, how do you live with yourself? The whole reason you have it is because you got it from someone who probably doesn’t know they have it because they got it from someone who didn’t bother to tell them. I think we can all agree and say @&#* you!!!!!! People deserve to know. If you care about someone enough to sleep with them then you should care enough about them to inform them of the risk they’re taking!!!
Midsummer says
For the ones that say they’ve never been rejected after the talk-it makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong. I’m a good looking lady, but I have been rejected over and over again. It hurts so much…
As for those who are prejudice….I have had 3 children vaginally since the diagnosis, who are almost adults now, and I have never given it to anyone
C says
Well, I did tell my guy I was dating, he is now my boyfriend. I waited until about our 6th date. He was telling me how he was telling all his friends (and family) about me and I felt that I had to tell him right then. I told him, he was fine. We are still not sexually active yet, but when the time comes to take our relationship to the sexual level, we will do the right things to make sure he doesn’t get it. He respected me even more for telling him and being up front about it. He told me that there are people out there who just wouldn’t say anything and he felt that my disclosing this information reflected on my character and it made him like me that much more.
I was confused about not being diagnosed prior to blood tests, more I was probably in denial. But the only problems I ran into with lack of being diagnosed was that doctors didn’t want to give me any prescription for medication if I wasn’t having an outbreak, or if “outbreak” cultures came back negative. When I finally demanded a blood test I was told that they were not 100% reliable, especially if you have ever had a cold sore, which I never have, so to me blood test was reliable enough. I finally found a doctor to write me a prescription for acyclovir. But even this doctor took some persuading, because with no current outbreak, they don’t seem to want to give you a prescription for anything.
Either way, I think it is only fair to tell the person you want to be with. I don’t think it’s a first date conversation. But if you think the relationship could become serious, you have to tell the person.
T says
So what some of you are saying is that because someone was unfortunate enough to contract hsv 1 or 2 they should be punished and dont deserve to live a happy life? so those who say that a person with herpes should only be in a relationship with someone with herpes is basically saying just send them off to an island like there a lepar, well excuse me but in my opinion you need to have a reality check! Thats one of the most ignorant things I have heard, and frankly I find it heartless and cold. if you are upfront with a person about this and THEY choose you are worth it then that is there right, the person is not being lied to or manipulated and if they feel the person is worth the risk that also is there choice. Some times accidents happen, It doesnt mean a person should have to be treated like the plague because of a bad situation accidental or not. and say in the case a person is raped and contracts the virus, you honestly think they should have to feel like crap about themselves for the rest of their lives, Honestly the thoughts of those who feel that a person with hsv should be treated any differently than a person with out it should be ashamed of the ignorance and needs to get over their selves and you should be ashamed that you live in these days and still feel you have the right to judge or profile a person based on something that they possibly had no control over. If you personally choose to not be with somebody based on the fact they have hsv that is just fine and your right, But you have NO right to make the people who suffer from hsv feel that because of this they dont have the right to live a normal life and honestly it makes me sick to hear people think that way, I pray for your sake that you never ACCIDENTLY make a mistake and contract a std because it will be a rude awakening and I am sure instead of making the best out of what you have you will surely destroy your own life solely based on ignorant beliefs, People dont ask for bad things to happen to them, sometimes its just life, Yes hsv clearly isnt ideal but its also not the end of the world. Its just a matter of finding the people in the world who are accepting and non judgemental and surround yourselves with them and I guarantee the quality of life you will have will far surpass the quality of life of the people who choose to put themselves on a judgemental pedi stool! That being said, You cant take back what has happened the only thing left to do is live your life the best you can and not be discouraged by the people out there who are to afraid of there own shadows to accept the reality of life!
T says
also… this forum is supposed to be a safe place people can go for advice to help them deal with the problem not to be critcized and judged, If you so strongly beleive people with hsv dont deserve a normal life why are you even on this site? are you simply browsing around and putting forth your opinion because you have nothing better to do! didnt your mother ever tell you if you have nothing nice to say dont say anything at all! well if she didnt then I am! Once agian get off your self righteous High horse. and keep you negative opionions to your selves!
Sayanta says
T
Some people prefer to date people without any STDs- its called looking out for your own health, and it’s everyone’s right.
Sayanta says
#139 purpleI
Um… Maybe not quite how I would have put it, but 75% of what you say is how a lot of people, including myself, feel. I mean, getting shot down on a blog because you don’t want to subject yourself to a horrible infection? Reallly??? What planet are some people on?
Al says
It’s more the hypocrisy that annoys us. If you’ve EVER had sex you are at risk of having contracted an STD, condom or no condom and, if you get cold sores you have HSV as well, essentially the same virus while being so judgmental of others. THAT’S what we have a problem with.
anonaone says
Sayanta, I get what you’re saying and that is your right. I hope you don’t find your perfect partner has an STD because that will be very hard to you, and your partner. And I just hope that people who know my “truth” look beyond it because HSV1 is not the most defining component of my character. By far. I contracted it almost 18 years ago after graduating from college. I was in a committed relationship and even “saving myself” for marriage – ha! Back then I didn’t consider oral sex to be sex, and I also had no clue you could get it that way. But, I did. I had never had intercourse. After that man, who I’m still friends with, I met my husband, who accepted me for that, and all of my other flaws! I was married for 14 years and my ex never showed symptoms. Dated another guy for a while and neither did he (unprotected sex). I have two healthy children, and I did need c-sections but it wasn’t because of that. It was simply because my body wouldn’t cooperate to get the babies out. I’m dating someone new now and we’ve discussed sex, and I will need to tell him soon. He’s pretty special and thinks I am, too, so I hope he will feel like my other sexual partners did and be accepting of it. Simply put, when I found out about it, I was devastated and thought it would ruin my life. I became anorexic. I drove recklessly without my seatbelt and really did want to die. I was in therapy for six months. But, what do you know, it has not ruined my life. It’s just an annoyance and is no different than the cold sores my sister gets on her face–in fact, she’d rather have my problem, she tells me because at least I can “hide it” and not everyone sees it when it happens (and it very very rarely does). What makes me roll my eyes is people who have cold sores and think they do not have an STD. You DO have an STD, especially if you ever plan on giving anyone oral sex! You need to disclose it just as much as WE do.
Julia W. says
I’m so glad i found this website discussion, there have been alot of helpful posts and alot that have just cracked me up. I am 18 and I was diagnosed with gh eight days ago, I thought it was really bad razor burn but was unfortunately informed otherwise :/ when I first found out I was extremely upset, especially since I had only been with one guy. After a few days though and alot of research I knew gh was not a big deal and I certainly wasn’t going to let it ruin my life. I already lived a very healthy life style so gh hasn’t changed one thing about my everyday life, the only difference is i’m on valtrex to clear up the first ob. In a relationship i would wait until after a few dates but most definitely before sex. I hope anyone who has h will realize it’s not the end of the world and that they can live perfectly normal, happy lives. what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger 🙂
Julia W. says
I’m also currently in a very close relationship with another guy (I had broken up with the other guy, way before i even new i had gotten gh frm him) and he is fully aware of my gh, I thank God we hadn’t done anything that could have transmitted it to him when i was still unaware. Fact is he knows and doesn’t care, I feel very blessed to have him, and he even told me that the gh means nothing to him, that i’m worth the risk, and he loves me for me, flaws and all! I know that might be hard to believe for those ignorant few, but it is possible for someone with gh and someone without gh to be extremely happy together.
Holding Breath says
When I first met my wife she passed along the ‘gift’ to me. I had no idea what was going on, i had never seen anything like this especially on my penis! She claimed ignorance until I finally figured it out myself and confronted her sometime later. By this time we were discussing marriage and I felt trapped like i would never be able to be with anyone else. So i went through with the marriage and have been married for 15 years, but I still harbor a very intense hatred towards her because of that. Add in a few other issues and our marriage is all but over.
Bring in a new friend. I promised myself I would tell her and the thought of doing so was agonizing. But I did do it. I was looking for a way to tell her and we were having a heart to heart about something that had happened to her and I used this heart to heart time as my lead on. She seemed to understand and did not turn me away.
Fast forward to this weekend. We had sex for the first time. I have been taking Valtrex leading up to it and also used a latex condom. Now I am holding my breath and hoping that she will not receive the ‘gift’.
I have not had an outbreak in years, used condom, used valtrex. now i wait.
I think you have to tell no matter what.
tamara says
@Holding Breath: Yikes, u have had a ‘very intense hatred’ towards your wife, for the past 15 years? If she knew and didn’t disclose her status, that was v wrong, but then perhaps it was foolish to marry her. There would’ve been other women who would’ve loved you….But after choosing to marry her, surely u could’ve tried to forgive her? It just seems like such a disfunctional rship from the very beginning. 🙁 And now you’re having an affair. Isn’t it time to get out of the marriage?
I really hope the new lady doesn’t get it though. It’s good that you’re using a condom because with most STDs, there’s a much higher chance of male-to-female transmission than the other way around.
meka says
I have a hard time finding someone as it is an Herpes makes it harder. Everyone tells me im really pretty accually even people off the street, I dont beleive it. My family has treated me like a walking std since i was 16. I don’t really know how to deal with it wont’t even tell my doctors 90 percent of the time I think i’m going to be alone forever someone help me.
Mich says
Just told my boyfriend a few hours ago that I’ve been diagnosed with “H”. He says he needs time to “take it all in” and he’ll talk to me tomorrow. I have no idea if I’ve done the right thing in being honest.
LL says
For some people herpes is a big deal, for some it isn’t. I have it. I was not told by a guy I was dating and he gave it to me. He just said he got “hives” sometimes when I asked him about it(after I got my first outbreak & and was trying to figure out what was going on). I had to do some research and realized I had HSVII. It was a big deal to me. Then I went a long time without outbreaks and it was no big deal. Then I started having lots of outbreaks again, probably due to stress, and it is a big deal again. The outbreaks are the hardest part, as it is uncomfortable and puts you out of sex and affects you emotionally. You need a very supportive person as a partner to get through it. I have been dating someone I told upfront before we had sex and he said he was fine with it. As time has gone by, I realize he is not so fine with it. He avoids sex because he says it is “risky” with me. It is too bad, because otherwise our relationship is great. The lack of sex results in a lack of overall intimacy in the relationship. I am very mad still that the guy I was dating didn’t tell me before we had sex. We had sex for two months (with condoms) before I contracted herpes. I got it in my genital area but not inside. I probably would not have proceeded in that relationship if he had told me up front. Just being honest. I was surprised how open the next guy was to my condition, but he isn’t as ok with it as he claimed to be. Bottom line, you really should tell someone, no matter what. Not only is it wrong, but it is an issue of honesty and trust as well. I didn’t like that I wasn’t told — why would I do that to someone else? I am hopeful someday I will meet a good guy that is ok with this, whether or not he is HSV positive. Good luck to you all and God Bless.
Woman who loves Dobes says
“Ed Farnsworth 25
Speaking as a man who has never had a cold sore. The reason 1/6 of the population has herpes is because of the attitude of some of the carriers on this site. I always ask potential partners before any sexual contact if they have ever had an std. If they answer affirmatively… fine, I’m gone and they have my sympathy. But I was lied to once by a woman who thought that putting me at risk for this incurable disease was “no big deal.” What scum! A warning to the healthy. Women who have herpes will lie to you when you ask them if they have it.”
Ed, you have never even had a cold sore, even as a child, come on. Try to get out of that one. Your opinion makes me sick.
I can understand you being upset that you were lied to. I wonder about you. Instead of asking women if they have a STD, ask them for proof from their doctor. You would have to over proof to.
Not every women will lie if they have herpes. I agree some will. I imagine alot of men lie also. So Mr. High and Mighty, come down off your soapbox. Deal with this, 80% of people have some sort of STD. You are lucky you do not have it. But are you sure?
Have you had the blood test, sometimes there is not even a symptom.
I didn’t have a symptom, my GYN said I was perfect upon examination. It wasn’t until the blood work results came back, that I did have genital herpes. I got it from a guy, not out of the sky. The herpes goes back 15 years.
I am a carrier, I do not have outbreaks. I use the virus med if I get active. I got it after being married 25 years, I was thrown into the dating world. I had been secure in my marriage, we had safe sex with each other. We didn’t need protection. We were both clean and free.
After our divorce, I learned about safe sex the hard way. Some guy gave it to me. I do not know if he knew or not. I hate having it because I am honest and do 2 things. I tell any guy that I may become intimate with, and take the virus pill. Also, I use a female condom for his protection. It completely covers him and covers me very well.
You can have oral sex if the women uses a dental dam to cover herself. If some guy wants oral, he would have to have a flavored condom. I could get oral herpes without it.
The chance of a guy catching the virus is low, 1-2 percent. They should wash off afterwards.
I have had guys that know, insist on not using a condom. They have not gotten it either. But I will not let that happen again unless I know he is not a carrier of something.
Everyone is in charge of keeping themselves and others safe.
The one’s that try to make people who have this disease low down, I’d watch it, because sometimes things happen, and you darn well may get it also.
I have never not told a guy. I have had 2 bad reactions and the rest positive. It’s not funny, but funny at the same time. I had met a guy and he were kissing. I decided, I had to tell him before we went farther in the future. He freaked. He said he had to leave. The reason, was he was in fear that he may not have used safe sex before. He must not have been wearing condoms. He said, he would have to get tested right away. Then he took off in his truck. At the time, I could not believe the reaction. But once I got control, I realized it wasn’t me, it was him freaking out about his own sex life. Crap, he should have thanked me.
Another guy, I think had germ phobia’s. He didn’t libe my Dobe to lick him and if my cat came near him, he put up his hands just like he did with my Dobe. Of course, I told him, and he just could not perform.
What made me upset is he aroused himself, then said is it ok if we do not do it. Hell no, so we went to bed. I should have told him to leave right then. We did have a talk but forget about it. You don’t please yourself and treat the other person like a germ. There wasn’t even I won’t see you again, it didn’t need to be said.
Choo says
I have been so incensed by reading these posts, not just here but on other forums, that I just wanted to get my twopence in. I have had herpes for about 8 years, I got it from a guy I had a one night stand with – of course he forgot to mention that he had it. I knew something was wrong, but for a long time I did not identify it as herpes, the outbreaks were so irregular it took me a good few months to guess what it was. I was single at the time so I posed no risk to anyone. From that point forward it affected the way I felt about myself and has changed my behaviour. I have been honest with partners and do not suffer from regular outbreaks now, unfortunately when they strike the symptoms can cause a real crisis of confidence.
Being so dismissive of herpes is really wrong and as many have stated on this forum, it is a very common disease with around 1 in 5 people having it.
The thing that I have found most interesting is that herpes gets easier, the longer time that you have it. And touch wood I have not had an outbreak for over 6 months, the sore is usually so small no bigger than 3/4mm in size and disappears within days, now I just accept it and refrain from sex during that period.
The best thing is you can also improve the occurrence of outbreaks, by treating yourself well. I know if I am rundown, it is probably the time when I am most vulnerable to an outbreak. Best thing to do is – DE-STRESS, cut out sugar, too much bread, eat a healthy and balanced diet, rest and get some exercise. If you do these small things, you can get quick relief from herpes, if you take these things more seriously and incorporate this into a healthy lifestyle, you may well cut out occurrences altogether, forget living on drugs, and listening to negative crap, you have total control over the symptoms.
Recently I met a guy, and after telling him I had herpes (before I had slept with him), he asked me to pray with him so I could ask for forgiveness, now please, I am not a religious person I could have swung for the guy for suggesting that I was destined for hell because of my lifetime friend. It is a real challenge and very upsetting to know that you have to tell someone you have herpes, and in fact I have walked from many situations where I may have had a relationship after considering a) would I like to be in a long term relationship with this person, b) how would they react in response to me telling them, and how would they treat me?
It is shit, I do know however the man who loves you and you love also, does stand by you in this. If he does not – then you probably should not be with him in the first place.
Candy says
I hope everyone knows how helpful this website is. I just got tested two days ago and am waiting for the result. I thought i had an infected pimple, but my doctor said it looked like herpes and wanted to test me. Now I am waiting the results. People, if you ever wonder whether a judgmental person could get a hit on the head (or in the vagina) with karma, that is me. I frowned down at folks with STDs, etc., and now look at me. My story is as innocent as everyone else’s – I had contact with a person, didn’t protect myself, and now I am facing a whole new world. I won’t get my results for another 5 days. How did everyone else wait through this period? Anyway, no matter my results, let me make a public apology to everyone I judge over the past years. I was so wrong. My goodness. I failed to live by the Golden Rule and now am hoping that the rest of the world is not as judgmental as me. My goodness. Karma is a bitch. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. You have helped me when I didn’t even deserve it.
Cole says
Thank you for posting this.. I recently got a call from an ex of mine who had admitted he cheated on me during our relationship and contracted herpes.. I immediately went to get tested and sure enough the test came back positive.. I was devastated and lost! I was having a hard time coping thinking no guy would ever want to be with me anymore and I wouldn’t be able to have sex or any kind of relationship again .. I was distraught! Well recently I met this giy and hung out with him a few times and we really hit it off.. I was so afraid to tell him but I Knew I had to.. I finally had the talk with him and he was very compassionate about the whole issue.. He explained it is going to be difficult but he was not going anywhere.. We got together and researched about herpes and how we can be intimate together without me passing it on to him… I was relieved to find out he wasn’t turned off by the virus and was willing to educated himself on the topic more without just running away from me.. The more I read up on herpes the more I realize it is not as big of an issue as people make it out to be..yes it can be annoying but it doesn’t have to take anything away from your love and sex life as long as your educated on the topic.
deb says
Having Herpes is the least of my problems. Women who get HPV (genital warts) in their early years is another thing. You get them taken care of by your OB/GYN doctor and then find out 30 years after having this that you more or less will develop dysplasia of the vulva and have to have a vulvectomy like I did and it has a high rate of reoccuring. I was misdiagnosed for two years with lichen sclerosis of the vulva. Thank goodness for a dermatologist I had check me out and got me in to see a great Oncologist to help me.
Kathleen says
Deb Im so sorry. The cancer risk of HPV is significant
filipino girl says
According to Boskey (Living With Herpes): The first thing you need to do after you’ve received a genital herpes diagnosis is sit down and take a breath. Do some research and learn all you can about the disease. You were probably diagnosed because you experienced an outbreak. Although it may have been scary and painful, don’t panic. Since you have had one outbreak, you will probably have several more over the next year. Over time, however, your outbreaks will become less frequent. There is medication that you can take to help relieve your symptoms, reduce the frequency of outbreaks, lower the amount of virus in your system, and make it less likely that you will transmit the virus to someone else.
Jen says
I just found this thread and wanted to contribute my own story to help Jen. I’ve had herpes for many years. Since I was first married at 22, and I am now 58. My ex husband unknowingly gave it to me when we got married (he told me he used to “get this stuff” and then I started “getting this stuff” too). That was in the mid-70s and we didn’t even know what it was. I never blamed him for giving it to me.
I always got mild, infrequent outbreaks, and so I didn’t think much about it until I divorced and got into the dating pool again. I have been dating about 5 years now, and been on medication during that time. While initially I dreaded “having the talk,” these days I don’t sweat it. I reveal that I have it early if it looks like we will eventually want to be intimate. I have found there are 3 reactions: total outrage, nonchalance, or sheer joy because he has it as well. While the outraged reaction is always upsetting… I actually had one man storm out of a restaurant, it has only happened a few times. Many men say it is no big deal. But I would say the most frequent response is the last one. A lot of people have herpes. I am in agreement with Evan, that all will be fine, and when you find the Right One, it will not be an issue.
Aymea says
This is such an old post. I wanted to chime in with my experience as someone who has it. I don’t know what I would have said had anyone ever given me the opportunity to make an informed decision.
There is a great deal of misinformation in the general public and most people are just flat out ignorant about it. I had to laugh at the sex negative people in this thread who would forego the possibility of a loving and wonderful relationship because of the potential for something that is actually not that bad. Sorry..it’s not a big deal and I actually have frequent (super mild) symptoms and the first outbreak was god awful. Did you know that one of the charming symptoms of the first outbreak of HSVII is that it can block your ability to pee for a short while? Yeah I found that out, luckily it didn’t require hospitalization but um hmm that was new. And I still don’t think this is *that* big a deal.
I’d prefer not to have it of course. But this is not the worst thing that will happen in my life, by far and I’m blessed and grateful for everything I do have. In the larger scheme of things there are bigger problems than this. Viruses are all over, this one just happens to manifest in a place people are already scared of.
I disclose to partners and have recently met someone who could be the love of my life. Talking about it was just something that made us closer and made me more determined to be the kind of person who deserved his trust and acceptance. In that way you could say it’s made me a better person.
AustralianLady says
I have Herpes.
The first outbreak occurred around 3yrs ago.
I do not know who gave it to me – I suspect it was my ex-fiance, because he had a coldsore and told me – after he kissed me – that he had it and had just given it to me.
I didn’t take him too seriously because I had already been infected with Shingles 20+yrs ago – unknown, don’t know how.
I have never told anyone that I have herpes.
I have been asymptomatic MOST of the 10yrs I suspect I have had it (since I squarely think my ex-fiance was the one who infected me).
The information available about Herpes is so conflicting about potential for transmission that I was always lead to believe that so long as I used a condom (insisting the guy did so) then all would be well in the world.
Now I learn that it is possible to infect someone through contact even when I am asymptomatic.
I fully agree with Zann.
And Ron, you are a headbutt waiting to happen. Your attitude is disgusting, belligerent, pig-headed, obnoxious, self-serving, and egoistic.
I have met someone just recently that I am deeply attracted to, and I have not yet told him – though I have every intentions of telling him well before it becomes potentially intimate.
It may be a deal-breaker and that freaks me out.
But becoming infected with the disease and not telling anyone at the time of sex is not criminal… the information about the contagious nature of the disease is not “common knowledge”, it is only just now becoming evident – depending on what you read and where you get your information from – that the disease is indeed contagious at any time.
If you believe it, of course.
Sammi says
I recently discovered earlier this year I have GH. I was really upset and shocked at first for two reasons. One I had never had symptoms or outbreaks in my life and two got STD tests done regularly and have always been negative before hand.
I have read a lot about Genital Herpes to discover what I was in for and doing research has made me learn to accept it more. It really is just a irritating skin condition with a bad stigma. I am more afraid of the stigma then the actual virus actually!
Not good news to get when you want to get back into the dating scene again. I have not dated since getting the news because I have to accept having it more. Dreading the day I am going to have to disclose to future potential partner but it has got to be done. Would not feel right not doing it.
By the way I am female and I would never lie about having it. A male from the past done the exact same thing to me. It goes both ways male or female, with those cowards who don’t say anything. sadly enough. Geez.
There is a name for Genital Herpes with no symptoms or outbreaks. It is called Asymptomatic Herpes.
Amazed by all the ignorance I am reading on here. I bet some of them same ignorant people could be affected and not even know it! Roll eyes.
They do not test for Oral Herpes and Genital Herpes in standard STD Tests I have recently learnt, because of this I have no idea how long I have had it or who I got it from. No one disclosed to me they had it. :(.
I asked the Doctor if I was tested for it before on my last test and he said no. You would think that was one of the main things that would be tested for. I was so surprised, angry as well after learning that they do not test for it. You have to ask to be tested for it specifically. I got taken literally when I said I wanted to be tested for everything. Hence why Herpes got added into my last STD test the beginning of this year and I got a different result.
I had dated and slept with my current ex in between that time. I was so sure I got it from him because I had gotten negative STD tests for years before him but hearing Herpes was not tested before him blew that theory out of the water. I did tell him to get tested and he turned out to be negative thank god. As far as I know I have not infected anyone else from the past either.
You could go on for years not knowing you had it because if this. If this last Doctor had not added Herpes onto my last STD test I would have never of known I had it! That is how little affect Genital Herpes have had on my life. Besides getting a bit emotional at times when it is on my mind because of the stigma.
All my main concern with having it is having the talk to potential future partners. Dating is hard enough without having this, let alone having this. Sigh. Just gotta find the right way to do it I guess when the time is right, when it comes.
Goldy says
I just want to say that I have told numerous potential sex partners of my herpes. Every man I have had sex with since my diagnosis in 1985 was told, clearly and at a time that would allow them to think it over. The responses have ranged from “that must have been so hard for you to tell me” to “can I have your dessert?” to “ugh, I don’t think I can get passed that.” Two men I told rejected me. They weren’t jerks. They were kind and loving men who made thoughtful decisions about this circumstance. It was horrible to see the change in their expression in their faces.
After being rejected now a third time, by a good man, one that I had a strong connection to and who I saw a great deal of relationship potential: I may never tell anyone again. Yes, that’s right. I have not had an outbreak in seven years. When I am in a relationship I am on repressive therapy (a pill), and I have never given it to anyone. I am well aware when an outbreak occurs so I do not put my partner at risk and refrain from sex. I figure if a man has 24% chance of getting herpes from the general population and less than 1% from me – so why should I tell? I doubt they are asking anyone else if they have herpes – I think I am careful and I deserve some happiness. What could happen? My biggest fear would be the stress I would feel from keeping such a secret from a man who I love.
Also, I have met others with herpes in support groups and dating sites – they don’t disclose either. They prefer to stay within the herpes community but when they venture out – they don’t tell. After all, we’er all adults and know the risks we take when we have sex with anyone.
If one more person tells me “you have your integrity” well, great but I also don’t have a man. The truth is, if the man who gave me herpes HAD told me, I would have put on my Nikes and hit the ground running as far away from him as possible.I hate herpes. It has destroyed several chances for me – sometimes because I break it off because I fear rejection and sometimes from rejection.
There is not a good side for herpes. It won’t stop me from living a good life, but herpes changes everything and not for the better. It’s a contagious virus with a very negative stigma. My advice is if you don’t have herpes, than don’t sleep with someone who does. Yes, I really do have herpes.
kiki says
My ex whom I was with for 10 years had it (the genital kind) and only told me after we had been sexually active with one another. It was upsetting and inconsiderate, even though I can understand the anxiety and fear of rejection. We stayed together and had unprotected sex all that time. He only “broke out” 3 or 4 times in all those years and he said he could always tell ahead of time when he was going to by some feeling he would get in his lower body, so we just would have sex until it was “over” and he would then go on some antiviral to suppress it more quickly.
In all that time, I never contracted this STD and remain STD free. We were fine. Yes I would freak out and start tweaking in my head from time to time about this when we were together, but then I kind of tweak about a lot of health things in general bc I’m a tad meticulous **cough(neurotic!!)** lol 😉
I don’t think it’s a small deal, but also not a MASSIVE ginormous deal, either. Hepatitis would freak me out, for sure, though. My ex was a really healthy, fun person and I don’t regret my decision to charge ahead with him in the least. I have been with neurotic hypochondriacs who are sick all the time and depressed. THAT would be a heavier burden for someone like me in a long-term relationship. Just my personal experience I thought I’d share.
And by the way, love your site Evan!!
Adam says
I’ve done some research on this and I’m shocked at how few of you apparently have any idea of how Herpes 1 or 2 (or viruses in general) function. I know it’s scary, but please do the research.
Any form of STD (including oral herpes) needs to be disclosed upfront. Why are you bothering wasting anyone’s time and getting their hopes up just to tell them, “Oh, btw, I have this virus that if you don’t have is an absolute deal-breaker”? It doesn’t matter if that person is so reckless or ignorant as to be cool with acquiring a lifelong illness. It should be a deal breaker for the infected. How can you knowingly choose to spread a disease to another person?
There are plenty of infected individuals out there to date already. In fact, you have way more potential partners that share your virus than don’t. Put it on your profile or get it out of the way right up front if someone asks you out in person. All incurable diseases are serious. Even if you don’t consider them as such, others do.
Adam says
BTW, you can’t test to see if you DON’T have herpes. You can only test to confirm that you DO, and only around the time of an outbreak when the count is high enough in your system. So there really is no way to be sure a person does not have this disease. That’s why the best you can do is to get to know a person enough to trust them BEFORE kissing them and exposing yourself to the virus (which IS transmissible while asymptomatic). Yeah, that doesn’t jive real well with the current dating norm, but guess what… that needs to change.
Also, for those who mention knowing and choosing not to tell your partner; how does that make you any better than a rapist? Grow up and have some kind of integrity. You would want to have been shown that same decency before it happened to you.
Goldy says
To Adam – I get it. The responsibility is both person’s – everyone needs to ASK and Tell. But, put it up front in my profile ? Next to my picture ? uh. no. Also, tell someone right up front – do they have the integrity to keep my information private? Just cause a person does not have herpes does not make them trust worthy. As far as oral herpes, I have no idea if I have it – I’ve never had an outbreak there. I taught school and about half the kids (under 12) came in with a cold sore at one time or another – and maybe never had one again. I don’t think they will remember or tell. The stigma about a cold sore on your lip is not the same as on the genitals but both spread to the genitals the same way. It’s awful either way. I recently watched an old episode of The Office (Sex Ed) where Michael comes in with some sores that could be herpes on his face. A viewer said, “Don’t you understand how funny that is. The joke is that HSV-1 is way different than HSV-2.” That’s not really the joke. I’m a little scattered here on this one, so forgive me. Also, I recently began dating a man and at the fourth date i told him i have herpes. I began the conversation with, “Have you been tested for STDs?” That made all the difference – it was not just my “confession and disclaimer” so making things a two way discussion (asking and telling) is the way to go for all the herpes folks with integrity! BTW – it makes no difference to him – we are careful and communicate and things are going well. Enjoyed your thoughts.
Fox says
I have a friend that has Herpes but he goes out and have intercourse with other girls without telling them. one thing i’m very hesitant is; he started to date a close friend of mine (to be exact; slept with her) couple months back without telling her that he has herpes. And now, he wants to date her again. Since now I know he has tested positive for herpes I feel that he is being very selfish not telling his partners before sex. Since this girl he wants to go back with is a friend of mine, do you guys think I should let her know about his herpes? I don’t want any of my friend relationships to be broken. What should I do? Any suggestion/help?
by the way, he doesn’t tell his partners about herpes. I’m the one that only knows;;
SingleGirlInChicago says
Give him an ultimatum. Tell him to tell your friend (who he’s dating) that he has Herpes or you’re going to tell. Offer to help him with his speech (as someone suggested here) but tell him that you think this is serious and he’s ‘messing with’ people’s lives. Herpes IS a big deal and part of the reason that it’s such a prevalent virus nowadays is because people ‘downplay’ it. I know people with Herpes, too, but so what? It doesn’t mean that I’m okay with contracting it!!! So please, tell your friend to tell people and grow up and act like a man.
Goldy says
Hi, Fox,
Tell your friend he has 24 hours to tell he about his status or you will do it for him. You can help him practice “the talk”, tell him to go online for some resources or appeal to his integrity. Knowingly putting people at risk for STDs is against the law – so I guess you can threaten to call the health department, too. I suggest a more helpful, tender approach. Bottom line, you know, she’s your friend and he is withholding vital information she needs to know. How did he tell you? Your opinion of him did not change because of the herpes but because he is being deceptive and irresponsible. I truly feel for him, this is tough – but she has the right to know and you can protect her. Who knows, your friend my take up your offer to discuss herpes with the woman – that’s how hard it is to disclose – he may consider it a favor or even a service he would pay money for.
SingleGirlInChicago says
I honestly would NOT continue to date someone who tells me that they have Herpes. I know that there are a LOT of people who has this virus, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a big deal. Part of the reason why a LOT of people have Herpes and think it’s ‘ok’ is because it’s made out to be a non-issue and is downplayed. I’m not sorry about the way that I feel. With all the other things going on in my life: living paycheck to paycheck, not knowing if I can pay my rent the next months, job instability…I DO NOT need a medical issue on top of everything else. I’ve managed to live into my mid-30s without Herpes and it’s going to stay that way as long as I keep turning down offers for one night stands, make out sessions in bars with random men, dating men who have other women (and you know about it), and other promiscuous behavior. As long as I continue to avoid ALL of that…I’m cool. Women need to get to a point where you’d rather be alone than to catch a lifelong virus (that can mess with your chance of having a healthy pregnancy if you want that), and/OR have emotional mental issues that comes with dealing with two timers. Just sayin…
Jean says
I can understand where you are coming from, but I would never have sex with someone who has herpes. It is too risky even with a condom. It is a skin on skin disease. Don’t downplay it! It surprises me to hear these people with herpes writing and saying no one has ever refused them because of the herpes. Do people really want to get laid that bad that they would risk getting it?
Al says
If you have sex with anyone there’s a one in five chance they have HSV2 and an eight out of ten chance of it being someone with HSV1. That is, unless they are a virgin or provide you with a clean STD panel, including the blood test, after six months of abstinence? Are you demanding your partners go through all of that before sex? Well, then your assertions here are pretty much worthless.
Savanna says
Hi all –
Thank you so much fr sharing your stories, opinions and insights. I contracted HSV2 many years ago from a partner that did not tell me. Since then I have had several long term (the last one was 10 years!) relationships with loving men who did not judge me, or think it was a big deal. All of my partners were told on about the 3rd date, and they all handled it well. All tested negative after our relationship dissolved and my efforts to keep vigilant tabs on my minor outbreaks were successful.
Last night, I told a guy i have been seeing (the potential love-of-my-life) of my STI. It was before we got sexual (we had kissed and cuddled, but nothing more) and I knew we were headed that way so I initiated “the talk”. I really had started falling for him even though we had only dated a few times, we had talked on the phone for hours at a time, so it was very difficult to tell him as I feared he would back away like I was a leper. Of course it was absolutely necessary (I have always practiced full disclosure!) To my great surprise, he blurts out in alarm, “Well I don’t want to get HERPES!” He even suggested a dating site for people “like me”. After that he was very sweet and pitying, and he thanked me for telling him… Then he withdrew like a snail into a shell. Bam. Gone.
Sigh.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Although he has every right to choose to disengage, this was the first rejection I have had from these stupid little, rarely occuring pimples and I was absolutely not prepared for it. It made me feel like everything I am, all the qualities I have, all the generosity, kindness, intelligence, life experience . . . Nothing that I have acheived in life outweighs a pimple cause by a virus. (The funny thing is that he confessed mid-talk that he gets “cold sores” on his lips… )
Anyway, I just wanted to express my gratitude to y’all who have made me feel better about life and about moving forward in my search for love. I’ll spend a few more minutes being in the moment and feeling sad and morose over the loss, then I’m going to clean the house, lol.
Kate says
I notice that some of the most judgmental folks have no idea whether or not they have herpes – they think the fact that they’ve never had a cold sore or a genital outbreak is proof enough. WRONG. If you haven’t had a blood test for it, you don’t know. Period. I have HSV-1 – probably have since childhood – and I have never had a cold sore. Given that more than half of the U.S. *and* global population has HSV-1, and most folks who are positive don’t know their status and are asymptomatic – you should basically assume you have it until you test negative. A standard STD panel won’t cover it, either – you’ve got to ask for it specifically.
The people who think it’s not a big deal aren’t the problem. The folks who pontificate about how horrible it is are the ones that subtly encourage others to never, ever get tested.
I don’t have HSV-2 and don’t want to get it, but I would never treat someone like a leper because of it. And I do disclose my HSV-1 before kissing, and definitely before giving oral sex. I’ve never had a guy refuse to kiss me, but I have had those who’d prefer I not give them oral because they don’t want a genital infection.
tamara says
There was a news story earlier this year about a company called Gardisil which had created a herpes vaccine that passed initial human trials and proven safe. “The vaccine is designed to prevent transmission of herpes simplex virus in people never previously exposed, as well as to act as a treatment for those already infected.” There’s still some way to go, of course, plus Gardisil’s HPV vaccine had been effective But came with serious side effects for some unfortunate people, so perhaps pple with milder forms of herpes may be wary of trying the vaccine when it’s completed.
However it’s still encouraging, and I felt glad seeing the thrilled comments of some pple below the article. I’d read that 30% of pple with herpes contemplated suicide, so this illness has severe emotional effects on some pple.
Emily says
I always thought that Herpes or any type of STD to stop from spreading the effected people should do dating with only other effected people, Then the spread rate will drastically come down. I have found some sites like http://www.Sensitivedating.org, http://www.Meetup.com and if you search online there are many more sites.
TruthTeller23 says
To all those saying people with herpes should just join a herpes dating site:
Have you ever been on those? They are horrible! First of all only 25 percent of the population has herpes. Then 80 percent of the people who have herpes don’t know they have it. Can you imagine how much that limits your options? Put into account attraction, common interests, and a connection and good luck with finding anyone worth while on there.
That being said I’m an attractive, genuine person who deserves love as much as anyone else on this planet. Sorry I won’t limit myself as a leper, but I’ve been accepted before and I know I will be again.
Josie says
Those dating sites for STDs are truly awful. I’ve been on one for a while, and it’s been largely a total failure. I cannot put my photos on the site because I have a well-warranted fear of being outed due to the nature of my job, and so I have to have a photo-free profile which obviously gets little attention. When I do send my photos to men that express an interest, they apparently had an unreasonable expectation because they mostly fail to respond, making me feel horrible.
Nope, I stick with Match and prefer to disclose once dating is going well.
xyo says
I started seeing a guy and after 2 months after he told me he had STD test done, he had one partner after that so I took the risk of having unprotected sex with him. I know he gave it to me since I have no antibodies but my sore turned up positive for GH. I haven’t had unprot sex with anyone else 4 months prior to developing it for the first time. And now we are using condoms. I think coz he is afraid that I might transmit it to him and I am still waiting for him to get tested. My first OB was last April. Just curious to read people’s comments about my situation. Like everyone else, I was so distraught but I have to live one day at a time.
Elva says
When I got Herpes, it was from someone who pretended to be my friend for three years. He knew he had it and he really didn’t give a crap about if I got it or not. He flat out lied to me and told me he had had a clean std test. When I turned up with it a week later, he told me to go to the doctor and ask them for Valtrex and herpes treatment. “You will be fine.” He told me.
Needless to say, I didn’t have a lot of faith in humanity or men left after that happened to me. When I found this http://www.mpwherpes.com I was too scared to date or to seek out a relationship. I had told several people about my new found curse and had mixed reactions. This site gave me the confidence and understanding I needed to be happy.
Cindy says
I was honest and told the first guy after a 30 yr marriage ended and it freaked him out and he ended everything. Very disappointing. Now what ? Almost wish I hadnt. I have been asymptomatic for years and wasnt totally sure I even had it until I got a blood test. My first outbreak in the late 70’s apparently was when I thought I had a UTI. I feel like I am old and will never have sex again for a payback from wild times.
Gary says
To the singles who have herpes:
You are not alone, many people got herpes in USA. To find the hope, the support and the love, you may consider the <a href=”http://datingsiteforpeoplewithherpes.com/” target=”_blank”>dating sites for people with herpes</a> . You don’t need to have the talk to tell your partner that you have herpes. The first recommended site also has counselor to help you on dating.
555K2 says
So, I was just shot down. After 4 great dates the guy I was dating called to say he couldn’t handle the fact that I had herpes. I told him on the last date and was honest about the fact that I’ve had it for almost 20 years and have never given it to any of my partners, including my ex-husband and about 5 other long term relationships. He said I was great and loved hanging out with me and that I was sexy, but that from all that he has read about it on the internet made him not want to pursue this relationship. He mentioned something about himself not being more open minded and that I made it out to be less than it is. This is something that really bothers me though. I’ve never had an issue with this before. I’ve never given it to anyone and it’s never been a big part of my life, but I guess the right minded person is important. Man, I’m bummed out right now.
Ben Kanobi says
Wow, after reading so many comments, I’m saddened to see the enormous amount of ignorance most of the writers convey about their knowledge of viruses. Herpes is a virus folks just like the common cold is a virus. After studying viruses for so many years throughout my academic career, I consider myself an authority on the subject.
Let’s get some facts straight here. I know for a fact, that person cannot expose a partner to the herpes virus if they don’t have an open sore. It’s not like the virus is just swimming around a woman’s vagina or camping out on a man’s penis for the lifespan of an individual. The virus must have specific conditions to be transmittable. I’ve seen cases where subjects had herpes and never transmitted it to their partners after over seven-years of sexual activity without condoms.
To ostracize a segment of our population because of misplaced fear is the ultimate mark of an ignorant society. Get your facts straight before you judge an individual.
KG says
This post has probably been going on for awhile but I wanted to join in. Men AND women are both culprits in not disclosing; and as stated some don’t even know they have it. Are you going to trust everyone based on their word? Don’t trust anyone to make decisions for YOU; this is YOUR life too. Take control and use it as a learning experience. Keep your mind at peace, and before you have sex with anyone exchange test results. It’s the ONLY way to know that you both go into a relationship knowing what the other has, and you both go in with trust and honesty. Together list everything that can be communicable or that you are concerned about, and ask the doctor to test you for those… even if the doc says you don’t need them, DO IT. Then compare results and go from there. And if you’re too embarrassed to discuss sex or this list or this test with a partner, then you’re not ready to have sex with them… and shouldn’t. (Sample List: Herpes, HIV, Hepatitis (A,B,C), HPV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, etc.)
In my experience, I’m always amazed at how little doctors and the public know about Herpes. Depending on the doctor and region when you ask to be tested for STDs, they will test for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. That’s it. This is done by a urine test or through a swab inside the penis in men or from the cervix in women.
Sometimes an STD test will include the above and Syphilis, or HIV, and Hepatitis. Most of the time, you have to request these tests and they are NOT part of the STD testing (again, depending on the doctor and the region). These are done through a blood test or a swab over the sore.
You have to request a test for Herpes. It is not part of STD testing. The best way is to ask for type-specific herpes testing; you then get tested again 6 months later. The test will show you whether you are positive or negative for HSV1 and HSV2 based on antibodies. These two results will give you the most concrete answer. Usually this is done through a blood test or a swab over the sore.
You have to request a test for HPV. It is not part of STD testing. For women, a pap test will give results. “No HPV test yet exists to detect the virus in men. However, men can be infected with HPV and pass the virus along to their sex partners.”
According to the Red Cross, you can still donate blood if you have herpes – “genital herpes are not a cause for deferral if you are feeling healthy and well and meet all other eligibility requirements”.
NOTE that Oral herpes can also be transmitted to your genitals. “You can get herpes by having vaginal, anal, or oral sex with someone who has the disease. Fluids found in a herpes sore carry the virus, and contact with those fluids can cause infection. You can also get herpes from an infected sex partner who does not have a visible sore or who may not know he or she is infected because the virus can be released through your skin and spread the infection to your sex partner(s).” And if you have a sore in your mouth or he has one in his mouth and you have oral sex, YES one or the other can get herpes.
Oh, and to side track just a tad you can even pass STDs from kissing. So you probably shouldn’t be indiscriminately going around French kissing everyone on first dates either. (What you can catch from kissing – Meningitis, herpes, hepatitis B, cold and flu viruses, cytomegalovirus, stds, chlamydia, HPV, gingivitis, mono(nucleosis )).
‘Hwerks’ is another good dating and support site.
Sorry for the length, but I felt compelled to share information.
Good luck everyone! And you’ll find that you are more than a skin condition. It’s the social stigma that makes this worse than it is, and the more we talk about it the more “acceptable” it will be. Don’t be so hard on yourselves. Life is so much more… than a sore. 🙂
To lighten the mood, the next post has some funnies. J
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For more information on herpes and STDs, you can check the CDC site or the Mayo Clinic site. Here are some other links.
http://www.mayomedicallaboratories.com/test-catalog/Clinical+and+Interpretive/84422
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sexually-transmitted-diseases-stds/in-depth/std-testing/art-20046019
http://www.questdiagnostics.com/testcenter/testguide.action?dc=TH_HerpeSelect
http://www.redcrossblood.org/donating-blood/eligibility-requirements/eligibility-criteria-topic#stds
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/thomas-p-connelly-dds/sharing-drinks-healthy_b_3241147.html
http://infectiousdiseases.about.com/od/respiratoryinfections/a/kissing.htm
KG says
Here are some funnies I found online to lighten up the mood:
“You know you have Herpes when….
Your towels in the bathroom are labeled his and herpes.
The first question you ask at a new job is “do you have a prescription plan?” and “do you monitor internet usage?”
When friends bug you as to the reason your single you state “I am just really picky”
You have tried to use Clearasil on your $%^#.
You no longer drink to get drunk and get laid; you drink to forget you have herpes… so you can get laid.
You cover your webcam with a condom before you cyber.
You only talk to one 1 out of every 4 people you meet.
You try to look kinky with a strap on so you can hide the bumps.
You wash other peoples hands after they leave your bathroom.
You look at the glass half full on a site like this by saying, “well at least I know these people put out”.
You know that body armor, mace, a baseball bat, and a very angry cat are required to be in your possession before you have “the talk”.
You know what “the talk” is.
You refer to HSV1 as herpes simplex, and HSV2 as herpes complex.
You threaten people with your crotch when they make you angry.
You start to sweat in a room full of people whenever a Valtrex commercial comes on.
You hope someone out there with herpes is sleeping with beautiful women so you have a shot.
You pay for a site like this to talk to someone 3,000 miles away that does nothing but kayak, run, hike, lift weights, and play in the park all day??????”
PD says
I don’t have Herpes. But I might get it. On purpose.
You see I’ve been dating a very cute girl for a month now and wondering lately why we’ve never gone past 3rd base. So I asked her what’s up. And she told me GH2, hasn’t had an outbreak in over 4 years.
So I started taking Lysine and ordered some lube that has Carrageenanin it. We’re going to have PiV sex this weekend. And hopefully many more times. Lots more.
Yes, I am intentionally putting myself at risk. But wait, have I been a wall flower all my life? Hell No. I’ve always taken risks, from rock climbing to having my airplane engine quit to … well you get the point.
Melissa says
Hi PD,
I commend you for dating someone that has HSV, visiting sites like these, and preparing yourself. People forget to realize that everyone has their own set of issues, it is up to you whether you want to deal with it or leave. Whether it is an STD, drug abuse, etc. You can’t help who you like and who you love…
I have had HSV2 for seven years. The outbreaks have been less and less over the years. I have had two partners, been extremely careful, and NONE of them have contracted it.
Before you become intimate, please make sure you:
1. like this person enough to take a risk like this,
2. remain monogamous,
3. make sure she isn’t getting an outbreak or has one,
4. use protection for everything,
5. clean your toys,
6. Wash up immediately after sex,
7. Don’t touch her down there during sex and if you do, don’t touch other parts of your body.
8. Make sure you are healthy, meaning your immune system is good.
6. If you don’t want to use protection, leave foreplay for the beginning of your hot session, you don’t want her vaginal fluids in your mouth or your bodily fluids in her mouth. And, then you can imagine the rest. Nothing may happen, but don’t take that risk.
Just have fun, enjoy this new relationship, and be careful.
Mary Doe Rae Me says
Melissa,
I love your advice (not) especially number 7. What would be the point of a woman having sex if she is NOT going to be touched down there!? Having sex with a partner means you both should be participating. If all a woman is going to get out of sex is “servicing” the man, then there is absolutely no point in engaging in sex. YOU literally are providing a “free” service for him to get off. Who in the hell wants to have a sex life where you give all the pleasure and NEVER receive any back? You’re prostituting yourself AND for what? As I stated earlier in my post, it’s a disease that keeps on giving AND YOU’RE the one who has to “give” whether it’s head or hand jobs or whatever else. Because once you have this disease, you can never fully enjoy all aspects of sex. AND it’s BS if anyone says you can have a “normal” sex life after getting this disease….it’s a crock of shit.
hunter says
PD..
…if you have to have her, you have to have her….I know a man that caught syphilis from the same woman, twice….he liked her alot…
andrew says
For a person dealing with herpes, there is probably no better place than a herpes dating site, where you can not only get the much needed support but also know more about the nature of the virus.Some of the websites under this herpes dating niche give you access to some of the best support groups and an environment that is free of discrimination. Most of the websites offer impeccable privacy options which make you feel much comfort. However, there are a few herpes dating sites that may lack on this front.
pearlie says
In November 2013. I met a guy and, he told me that he had herpes but, I couldn’t get it if he gave me oral sex. After that I met a guy in December 2013 and, we dated for 8 months and, engaged in unprotected sex the whole time. In July 2014. After having sex with him. I noticed that my vagina and, rectum was itchy, painful and, raw. I also felt flu like symptoms. I thought the vaginal irritation was from my new shower gel. A few days later I told my partner about the symptoms and, he got very defensive but, I didn’t think anything of it. So we continued to have unprotected sex. Last week the vaginal irritation started up again. I thought it was a yeast infection. I went to the doctor and, she tested me for herpes. The results were positive! ! I haven’t told him because, we broke up in August. I’m not sure which man gave it to me. I feel i
Emily says
I have herpes 1 and 2 and had the talk with my partner before he even kissed me. He seemed ok with it and we had protected sex. After about two weeks of seeing each other he told me that he has herpes type 2 but not 1. We never kissed but we did have sex so I know it was most likely me who gave it to him. Now I feel terrible and he won’t talk to me. He knew the risk and took it anyway and didn’t like the results. He claimed to have been drunk and told me I should have gave him more time but I don’t see that I did anything wrong. Herpes is not a big deal to me. It has never killed anyone it’s just a nuisance. Even some of the curable stds are worse like clamydia because they cause infertility and other problems. My partner basically made it seem like I was a terrible person and I shouldn’t have sex with anyone who doesn’t have herpes. All I said is I told you and you can’t help who you love. This whole situation sucks.
Al says
Was he tested before he slept with you? A Virgin? If not, he could have been one of the one in six men who have it without knowing. He could have been infected before he even met you.
Regardless, even if he did get it from you dude’s a big boy and he made an informed decision to have sex. He sure didn’t mind when he was getting the nooky. This is not on you. I’d say you clearly dodged a bullet with that guy because he can’t accept responsibility for his own decisions. You’d have spent your entire relationship getting blamed for everything that didn’t go right for him. He needs to grow up.
Andrew 2 says
Hi everyone,
I wanted to say thanks and I’ve got a few questions at the bottom here Id appreciate some help with. (Sorry you’ve got to read though this to get to them)
I’ve had herpes 1 for awhile now. I got it from my first ever sexual partner from her giving me oral sex. She was asymptotic so she never knew and I believe her. We haven’t been togeather for a long time now. Since then I’ve told everyone I’ve the potential to have any intercourse or all that implies that I have it. Sites like these have helped me a ton with advice and confidence.
I’ve only had one person tell me she couldent get past it. She took a week to really think about it which I appreciated. It made me sad but I felt like I’m a package deal. Not saying it’s a great package I’ve got my issues like everyone.
Personally the fact that a partner had a std (prior to me getting mine) that wasn’t life threatening I would still pursue that woman. I feel like there are more important issues in a relationship than some std’s.
The positive singles sites don’t make you any more “segregated” then any other dating site does. The way you fill out your profiles on all these sites puts you automatically into a algorithm or “segregates” you to potential mates that you could be more likely to get along with. So anyone who thinks that positive singles sites are for “freaks” your a dick.
I actually met my wife on one of those sites. And being able to be free and clear about (still have to pay attention) about unprotected sex again is great when you both have it and know it prior to meeting.
We were married two years and are getting divorced just because we are no good togeather anymore. That being said here is a few questions I’m hoping some of you might be able to help me with (I’ll be going to the doc also).
Having no condom sex is great, and I’ve been seeing this girl who it’s getting to the point that I tell her. Now let’s say everything goes fin and she is accepting or hell maybe she has it too and is nervious about telling me, who knows. So a physical relationship forms along with everything else.
1. Since the sore is on my genitals. (only been one maybe once a year) used to be sores but it gets more manageable over time. Now if we move forward I know there is a risk if she performs oral sex on me which I wouldn’t allow unless I was convinced she understood the risk. And we would of course use a condom. Can I perform oral sex on her without risk? Again any sores are on my genitals. Anyone know?
2. Condoms suck, at least that’s how I feel. Has anyone had sex for a long long time with just condoms? Do you get used to it? I know this is just me and I know most women I’ve been with don’t like the condom either. So I’m wondering if any of you have any insight on that also.
Thank you for reading this. If I come off as naive I apoligize but I’m actually curious about these things
-Andrew
Blondie says
I literally just found out today that I have herpes. I’m so upset I thought of suicide. I just got out of a 12 year relationship, been with him since I was 16. New to the dating scene at the age of 29 and started seeing a new guy who wanted me to be his girlfriend. I feel like he knowingly infected me in hopes I would be with him. I think this because of his reaction and how he is saying things like he wants to run away together and be in love. I barely know this guy. I feel so destroyed. I have always felt a sense of self satisfaction knowing I have slept with barely any people, and now I feel so dirty. I feel like I think a prostitute might feel. I feel like nobody will want me now. I feel like I would rather have cancer than this. At least you can treat cancer and it isn’t disgusting.
Emily says
It’s not the end of the world and yes that guy sounds like a creeper. I felt like killing myself when I infected another person but you just have to roll with the punches. Herpes is common and no you shouldn’t feel dirty or like a prostitute. I know what your going through and it is hard but there are people out there who will accept you std and all. The guy who gave it to you on purpose sounds like a sicko just like the guy who gave it to me. I’m so sorry for your situation however there is nothing you can do about it now except move forward. You will find a new ( sane ) boyfriend soon enough just remember to open honest and up front with him about herpes and let him educate himself about what herpes is. Educate yourself as well so you know what to tell people you meet. You can do it!
Elizabeth says
Some guys will run and some will stay around. Have the talk after taking weeks/months to get to know someone. Do not have sexual contact (except kissing I feel is fine) before letting your potential partner know. Bring it up when discussion of making the friendship into a committed relationship. I had sex without being on medication or using a condom for the entire relationship (lasted a year and half before I ENDED for reasons unrelated to herpes), and he never caught it from me. 6 years later he just married someone else. I assume he is still herpes free. I got it in 2008 and I’m just now December 2014, experiencing my second outbreak. I have HSV-Type 1 (had a culture done the first time) on my genitals and it sucks but I won’t let anyone bring me down. Just be discreet. Don’t tell anyone, not even close friends. I only tell people who need to know…men I trust that are really falling for me and deserve to know. Ones you feel you can trust not to blab your business if they decide they can’t take that chance on you. You’ll be fine Jenn. It’s a skin condition that comes and goes and does not kill you. People comparing it to HIV and he Ebola virus need to get a grip.
HeatheN says
Wow. In reading this, I see some kindness, some understanding, some good information and some awful bad information leading to (also) horrible attitudes and comments here about people who, through whatever circumstance, have contracted HSV. I have to say the only thing that strikes me consistently here is that after losing several of my friends to HIV, which does eventually kill you, and also to cancer, which will also kill you, I am shocked that some people would actually ditch real love or a long term relationship because of this. When so few things in life are guaranteed, even that we’ll see forty, or that we won’t end up in a car accident with a loss of limb….it just seems like a really petty concern. Now, I say this as a person with HSV, but I felt this way before I contracted it, too. I don’t know. Priorities, I suppose. I’d take real love, even with a terminal diagnosis, and yes, even with HIV. I just think the real deal is incredibly rare and worth some level of risk. And if all that’s on the table is a skin infection…well…small beans in the grand scheme of life. Puh-lease.
Lisa says
I’ve had it for over 20 years. I was misdiagnosed at first and so I didn’t know for 5 years. When I did know for sure I cut myself off from men for a few years. Then I started dating someone and told him I wouldn’t have sex until there was a ring on my finger (mostly cause I didn’t want to tell) then I fell into the habit of just performing oral on him for 4.5 years because again I was too afraid to tell him. I know it was dumb. Then I ventured out into dating from online because I figured I wouldn’t meet anyone that was in any way connected to my work life so if I told them it couldn’t get back to anyone I worked with. That situation gradually went in the dumper after I told him. Then I tried dating several times after that. I was always dumped once I told them so I eventually gave up. So now I have been celibate for 16 years and don’t plan to rectify that.
Jeff says
In response to #114 in regards to point #2 the statistics of transmission. It is basic statistics. The way you determine risk of transmission mathematically is you actually have to invert it. If you have a 2% transmission risk per year then that means you have a 98% chance of not getting it. Thus, the risk mathematics are .98^(years). So .98 * .98 * .98 = 94% risk of NON-tranmission after three years or 6% risk of transmission.
The valtrex study quoted presents the transmission as a risk per year based on 100 sexual episodes per year. Thus, you can take the transmission risk of HSV+ female to male using either antivirals or condoms which is 2% per year (aka per 100 episodes). You can work backwards to determine x, which would be x^100 to determine the per episode risk of transmission. The math is basically 0.02% (0.0002 decimal) risk of transmission per episode.
To extrapolate that out, the risk over 10 years would be about 18% chance assuming you had sex 100 times per year for 10 years. Most couples I know aren’t having sex 100 times per year after 10 years, so the risk is arguably lower.
The lowest risk, female HSV+ to male HSV- using both condoms and anti-virals is 1% of transmission per year or around 9.5% over 10 years, again assuming sex 100 times per year consistently for 10 years.
Tammy says
I think all these people that are freaking out about about herpes should go get tested, a lot of people have it, that don’t know they have it. I don’t wish this on anyone but I guess if they found out they did have it they would realize how everyone else to learned to deal with it.
Kyra says
I was once talking/casually meeting with a man I’d met online for a few weeks. When he began to move to the point of intimacy I disclosed my genital HSV 1 (received from a former partner — who did not disclose they used to get cold sores — through oral sex). His response was less than polite, alluding to getting involved with me perhaps ruining his musical career (he was a horn player and worried — if we engaged in oral sex and he got it — he’d never be able to play music again. (??) Never mind the hundreds of women he’s probably kissed and never asked of their HSV 1 status). I noted his ignorance and moved along.
A year later he emailed me (several times as I ignored each message.) After a few I responded. He’d recently been tested and turned out he not only had HSV 1, but also HSV 2 and probably had for years. He then proceeded to ask me to sleep with him.
I, again, moved on along and let him know, politely, where he could take his offer for sex.
Moral of the story is, get tested people, for both HSV 1 and HSV 2.If you’ve ever had a cold sore in your life, disclose this to everyone you both kiss and have sex with.
Kaleidoscopicmind says
I don’t know how old this thread is, but all I have to say is herpes is a curse. I have only been with three men my whole life and I contracted herpes from the second man I was with for three years. I didn’t find out until after we had broken up for other reasons, but now I am stuck with herpes for the rest of my life. I have dated one guy since (for two years) and though he was okay with it, it was a very hard conversation to have. Having herpes is like leprosy to most people. It’s very embarrassing. So if someone you’re dating or thinking of dating tells you they have herpes, please let them down easy if it’s a deal breaker for you, because trust me, they don’t need help feeling alienated. Also, fun fact, men are more likely to transmit herpes. Also, don’t assume someone doesn’t have herpes because they say they’ve never had an outbreak. Blood specifically testing for herpes is really important if you’re adamant about avoiding herpes. Chances are, you’ve already slept with someone who has herpes and you could already be a carrier. Dr’s don’t test for herpes unless you ask.
Al says
I have Herpes and am completely asymptomatic. If I hadn’t specifically asked for a blood test I’d never have found out. My husband did cheat on me but the doctor said either of us could have had it for decades without knowing. I checked with my OBGYN because they routinely do STD testing as a part of the annual exam and was shocked to discover that, even if you ask for a full panel, they often do not include herpes testing. You have to ask for a blood test. Doctors do not consider it to be a serious health risk, just an annoyance. That, combined with the staggering number of people who are infected, is why they don’t bother to test. So, even if you or your partner think you’ve been tested you may not have been.
The CDC now estimates that one out of every four women ( a quarter of the female population) and one out of every six men are infected with HSV2 (traditionally considered genital) and as much as 80 -90 percent of Americans are infected with HSV1 (traditionally considered oral). Most people have no idea they are infected, which is part of the reason this is one of the fastest spreading STDs around.
Now here’s where things get interesting, doctors no longer distinguish the two as separate anymore. This is because they are essentially genetically identical. A very minor difference in the DNA causes HSV1 to prefer to live in the nerve cells near the base of the neck while HSV2 prefers the lower spine. Still, either version CAN exist in either place. So, HSV1 can produce genital breakouts and vice versa, depending on where exposure occurred. With people engaging in oral sex with frequency the distinction has become useless. This is why “cold sores” are really no different at all from genital herpes, though the social stigma is far worse for the latter.
I’ve had “The Talk” with many men and have discovered that very few care. The number of men who also confessed to me that they had it lined up pretty much perfectly with the one in six estimation. What disturbed me was that all of the guys who confessed (only after I did first) were pushing for sexual contact prior to our discussion. I strongly suspect that they had no intention of telling me. One even admitted outright that he never told women he was infected until AFTER he slept with them because then they’d be more invested and less likely to bolt.
The truth is that it hasn’t altered my life in the slightest except for the complication of having to bring it up to a potential partner. I don’t wait long to bring it up because I don’t want anyone to feel deceived. Usually, I do wait a few dates in just to see if there’s even any potential for a romantic connection. Otherwise, I’d rather not put myself through the hassle. The magic number for me is the third date, just to get it out of the way.
I actually really do like the STD specific dating sites. I’ve met some great guys on those, though there aren’t nearly as many as on Match. Most of those guys do also have Match profiles as well. What some others on here have said is spot on. With one in four women infected and one in six men, chances are, most people have already slept with someone who has it or will at some point without even knowing.
Al says
Oops. Didn’t realize this thread was so old when I posted. Sorry!
akon watson says
Don’t hesitate to discuss about it and notice symptoms of herpes,they are fever, blisters and ulceration on the cervix,pain while urinating and vaginal discharge,cold sores around the mouth and as blisters on the genitals.Then go for a full blood checkup to make sure that you are suffering from that disease.
Kaylee says
I was diagnosed with HSV2 a few days ago. I’ve never had symptoms and was totally clueless. The problem is I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we haven’t used protection every time. Now I have to tell him and he’s going to flip out. I’m so scared and confused. I had a swab test (not sure what it’s called) done by my OB and it was negative but blood test was positive so now I’m in a state of shock. My boyfriend’s tests were negative a few months back so I must have got it before him and never knew it. He doesn’t understand why I’ve been avoiding him and sex, but I can’t fathom having sex with him again until he knows and he makes the decision to continue seeing me. I’m so scared he’ll accuse me of cheating or knowing but I didn’t. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Ugh…
Karmic Equation says
Did you cheat on your bf in the last few months after he got tested?
If you were faithful since you both started sleeping together then I don’t understand your assumption that you got it “before him”. Or you’re not telling the whole story here.
If you cheated on him, yeah, you need to come clean fast and take the lumps.
If you were faithful, then (1) you shouldn’t blame yourself (2) you need to tell him and (3) you need to make sure he gets RE-tested now. If he has it also, then you guys might need to have a talk to make sure he didn’t cheat on you and contracted it in the months after he was first tested.
Kaylee says
No I did not cheat on him. We broke up for two weeks after his results and I didn’t even go on a date with anyone. He swears he didn’t either. I’m having the talk with him tonight and am just really nervous. He has a tendency to overreact.
Karmic Equation says
If you didn’t cheat on him, then don’t act guilty or apologize. You did nothing wrong. Just be matter-of-fact when you talk with him. Tell him he should get tested now, just to make sure of HIS STD status. And then after the results decide how y0u both want to proceed.
I believe HSV has a dormancy period, who knows when it happened. If he also has it, then that decision should be easy if you both believe in and love each other now.
If he’s still negative, while you’re positive, that is harder to predict.
Kick his ass out the door if he blames you in any way.
Being apologetic when you’ve done nothing wrong is going to add fuel to his fire.
Kaylee says
Thank you. This is all so new to me and my feelings are all over the place. I have a strong feeling he’ll get angry and say mean things but I will not apologize. I’m so scared of the talk and the aftermath.
t says
You need to check your state laws. Each state actually has different laws on whether or not you have to tell someone whether you have herpes 1 or 2. For example it is a law in florida and a misdemeanner if you do not tell.
a Jane says
Hi… I am the 1of 4-5 that cRris this virus. It freaked me out for the longest time about how to “explain” to my potential new guy. One time I just busted out… I have herpes. Which I’m sure sent many scary images blasting him. Following that experience ( which was very scarring) I decided that this virus was NOT going to OWN ME . I have only had 1 active case in 7 yrs (the initial one) , I stopped being being bitter towards the person who infected me and I take the antI viral medication which I don’t even take daily. I decided to be open and honest with my potential guy … it’s not a first or even second date topic ( unless u are getting hot & heavy which I don’t encourage) . Once comfortable with a guy I reinforce his great traits and in that he may find mine. It’s at the time I decide to explain and I now lead with ‘I have a virus, the virus that can cause herpes” … by saying it that way I am disclosing but not sending a sharp mental image of blazing sores and whatever else an individual might envision. Once I decided that this didn’t “own me” then I was able to discuss it more freely.
Listen… it’s not a “life sentence”… you can take back the power by not letting it own you! It’s a true case of being more responsible with sexual encounters, loving yourself and your body enough to protect it and another’s.
Be proud when you disclose…. for you are a step closer to stopping the spread of this virus. Don’t be ashamed… shit happens ! Most likely it’s the someone wasn’t honest with you. Think… “do I want to be that person” No, No you don’t. … we all appreciate honesty.
I guess the biggest part of my message here is to relieve anyone reading of the shoe and guilt that comes with this. Just remember…. DO NOT LET THIS DEFINE OR OWN YOU!! You are a beautiful person and have lots of potential. Your future partner will appreciate your honesty… just as mine has 😉
Jennifer1989 says
I have hsv 2 and when first diagnosed I got a phone call, the medical assistant told me I had it and hung up.. I had no knowledge of what to do, just knew I now had it.. After going to my doctor he literally told me I didn’t have to tell to just wear a condom… im going to always wear a condom to protect others from this horrible diagnosis, my life isn’t over and I refuse to make it as miserable as others would put me in.
Alex says
Not everyone got herpes from sleeping around carelessly, as if that even matters. My sister and I both got it from out mother as babies.
It causes people who have it a lot of grief and sometimes even suicidal thoughts, which is all amplified by society’s demonization of it.
So fuck you haters. People who have herpes are normal people that want someone to love, just like you.
SQ says
Cdc says that 90% of Americans have been exposed to some form of herpes. So almost everyone. And 1 in 6 people have genital herpes. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of those being so judgement actually have it themselves. Sad.
Just a man says
Great read! As an infected person, I have always wondered how to drop the bomb on someone. First I spoke with my doctor, and she got me to first calm down, and she said that it’s very common. I do take meds to control it, and like most people, I’m very aware 24 to 36 hours before an out break, so I get the heads up that an out break may be coming soon (itches in that area first). Now about sex. When I’m dormant, it’s a lest then 2% chance of my partner being infect during unprotected sex, but yes still a chance. During and out outbreak, which will only last about as long as a ladies normal ministration period. We just wait or use a condom.
Just live I guess, and if you have to tell some one, I just tell them that the herpes virus lives inside of me. That’s it! When do I tell them, when the time is right, and many factors go into that. Good luck all.
Heather says
I found out in April that I was positive for HSV type 2. I had been tested the year before and it was negative. Within 2 hours of finding out I text the 2 recent guys I had been with in the past 5 months. Both of them got really nervous and went and got tested. Both of them came back as negative for it. 1 had been wanting to date me again but suddenly after the news/tests he said he really just saw me as a friend. Convenient timing! Ha Whatever. Since they were both negative I went back to 1 more guy and he had been tested a few months prior on his own and was negative for it.
I stated talking to someone new and when I told him about it before anything went anywhere beyond kissing, he shut down and said “Im sorry, I just can’t.” I said it’s fine and I explained it was all new for me and that despite conversations and trying to be safe that someone had infected me but that I was trying to be responsible and upfront. He left pretty soon and hasn’t spoken to me since. I did send him a text with a link to information about the chances of transmission when someone has it and takes medicine, but still no response. It kinda stings since that was the first time to tell someone that I had not been with yet and to see the reaction. Oh well.
tamjomi says
I just wanted to say I recently just contracted it from a boyfriend. I was devastated, still am. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about but I know my body and I know where I got it from. Don’t be like him. I have decided I am not going to date until I am ready to face someone in the eyes and tell them I have this. Or if this vaccine comes out that will not only prevent outbreaks but prevent shedding too, then I will resume my dating life.
You all should look up GEN-003. It’s a vaccine they are working on but it is not yet FDA Approved. There is hope. http://www.medicaldaily.com/genital-herpes-vaccine-viral-shedding-outbreaks-transmission-390406
bill w says
I think the elephant in the room that nobody is addressing is the disclosure rate between men and womeb. Men do not tell in the US as often as women because it is ridiciously easy for a woman to find a ine night stand or a commited relationship. Much harder for men. So, logically why would a man tell knowing that the average woman has multiple suitors available? Women can tell because men have smaller options and accept the risk. Dont be fooled into thinking the guy is totally ok with it, just given the dating scene in the US it is a necessary risk. I think I have hsv2 but not sure, Im a 30yr old guy, dating is hard enough but throw this on top of it and now its extremely slim pickens. I dont know whats going to happen. I’ve travelled, in other countries where the female/male ratio is out of whack the roles are reversed for men with hsv2.
Lee says
I was molested by my father when I was 1 yr old and got herpes, it is the only reason why he was caught for what he did to me. I was certainly no slut. I have had this conversation with a few men and most freak out cause they are immature, uneducated douche bags. I started with the words ‘I have herpes’ their reply was ’cause you have fucked the whole pub’ ????? They were left very red faced when I told them how I ended up with something that plays guilt on your mind when you haven’t done anything wrong. For starters, the medication is used as a preventative or to relieve your symptoms, it doesn’t stop anyone from catching it. After 12 years with the same man and never using protection, he did not catch it. I know at least 24 hrs before I have an outbreak that it is on its way so I get stuck into my medication. It reduces how long it is there for and reduces the symptoms 100 fold. in the last few years I have found I get it on one of my fingers instead. Although I cover the area completely as I don’t want to risk giving it to anyone (it’s ‘no big deal’ but it’s a lifetime STI and its an annoying one that so many people give you shit about it like your dirty) I can honestly say that I have held my child’s hand and made food etc (before realising what it was, only worked it out due to the same tingling feeling before outbreak occurs) and never passed it on to anyone this way either. No transmission to anyone else is a prettt good outcome for a person who has had herpes for 33 yrs! Personally I believe the information given about herpes being passed on at any time even without the outbreak refers to the tingling itchy feeling you get just before the breakout. Your body is telling you it’s coming before it does n if you listen to those signs I don’t think anyone has anything to worry about. Since working this out 10+ years ago I don’t tell anyone about it until maybe being in a relationship although I do think about it. I end up with OCD about washing things when I have it, I’ll wash door knobs and light switches etc to make sure I’m not responsible for passing it to anyone.
hunter says
lee, don’t listen to what those men have to say….
Lee says
I don’t Hunter. It’s just really horrible sometimes the reactions n the things ppl say when u choose to be honest about something that has obviously scarred ur life more then a stupid disease that they aren’t educated about. Obviously when u have had it for 33 yrs n u remember screaming the house down from the pain n who gave it to u, u educate n make a point to understand ur body. This is why I have come to the conclusions that I have about if I’m having a moment where I could possibly infect someone n I’m ultra careful. But it also gives u some relief from the stress u put on urself thinking that everyday of ur life ur infectious. It gives u good days amongst ur bad days. If I hadn’t come to these conclusions in late teens/early adulthood I probably would have topped myself as that would send u insane thinking that way. I certainly didn’t deserve anything n I refuse to take the worlds problems on my shoulders just cause ppl r just generally dumb lol. Thanks Hunter… quote I live by… not my monkey, not my circus 😂
hunter says
Lee, I remember seeing a woman(registered nurse) who went out with a man that was infected, yet, she said, she never caught it…
ZyeeshaMoses says
Hello all people yeah we are all carrying a different type of herpes best thing we can do is be upfront with our mates and side pieces. I’m currently in a new relationship. I have regrets. We already having sex.
Phil says
Say it BEFORE sexual contact. Yes, thank you for saying this very obvious fact.
I had a GF who waited a month before telling me. The relationship was then doomed, not because she had herpes but because she neglected to be honest and straightforward about having an STD that put me at risk, no matter how small that risk might be if the couple are careful.
There’s an element of selfishness with the people who don’t tell, they want sex to the point they don’t care about the risk to the other person.
Monica says
I got hsv1 on my very first encounter. Please stop assuming that people who sleep around are getting it. Thankfully, I have been open about this situation and even went to the clinic with boyfriend to get tested for stds together. Turns out once you have herpes it is easier to get other diseases. Be careful and don’t be afraid to talk about it
Most importantly get tested often.
meggie says
I have ghsv1. I got it because my husband performed oral sex on me. He wasn’t aware this could happen, that even though he didn’t have cold sores right that very second he could still transmit it to me. I knew he got cold sores and it never occurred to me that it could happen that way either. I was so uninformed about my own sexual health. Regardless of whether or not you will date someone with herpes, get informed. You can get herpes if you’re a virgin, you can get it if you’re in a long term relationship, if you’re the nicest girl in town or the raunchiest….it’s so easy to get it honestly. Because no one talks about it or learns about it. We just ask people if they are clean and we don’t realize sometimes people just don’t know. Unless you specifically ask for it, most STD tests won’t include herpes. HSV 1 is terribly common, and so many people view it as “just a cold sore.” It’s not my place to say to date or don’t date someone with HSV. You probably already have – you just didn’t know it. Most people don’t have a shred of symptoms, or the symptoms are misdiagnosed and/or misinformed. The first outbreak is not always awful for everyone, some people barely notice it. I myself only have a problem every couple of years, and it’s not painful so much as itchy. It goes away fairly quickly, and life is normal again. I can say get tested, get educated – know your own risk because that is something you have in your own power. Getting ghsv1 is actually much more likely to happen from someone who “just gets a cold sore” than it is from someone who gets their cold sore in a less visible location. It’s the same virus, living in the same body no matter where it presents. But because HSV1 prefers to live in the mouth, it doesn’t thrive in the genitals or shed as much there. This reduces its ability to transmit. And for the record, I still would have had that relationship. Because the likelihood of getting herpes was so so small compared to the risk of letting go of a once in a lifetime love.
charles says
I call “BS” on the “I didn’t know I had herpes” excuse. It is a miserable condition to have. You KNOW something is wrong with you. When symptomatic – you are runny nose non-stop, headaches, beat down tired and then there are the painful lesions that can last for 1-2 weeks and then return in 2 weeks if you are not careful with your diet and immune system (proper sleep, water, lysine, etc)!! Anyone who tells you they ‘didn’t know they had it and infected you’… Lawsuit! It is against the law to infect someone with a miserable, lifelong disease. Shame!
pamela says
A Doctor’s regular STD testing does not include testing for Herpes virus. Patient has to ask for it separately and specifically by name. Therefore, if you ask potential partner to get tested for STDs and then you look at their results… They most likely did not test for Herpes unless they asked for separate Blood drawn Herpes test. And remember, HSV is Herpes Simplex Virus. HPV is Human Papiloma Virus. Two different STDs.