If I Have Herpes, How Can I Tell The New Guy I’m Dating?

If I Have Herpes, How Can I Tell the New Guy I'm Dating?

Hi Evan –

Really enjoy your blog. I found out a few months ago that I have herpes. After going through the normal flip out and that my dating life would now consist of Ben and Jerry’s and DVD’s every Saturday night, I’m ready to get out there again.

I have gone through "the conversation" a million times in my mind. I have seen men post on various dating sites where they come right out on their profile stating they have herpes. And before I found out about my little gem, I would immediately think, "not in my backyard". I think that is a TMI on a profile. I thought that if I meet someone, and there seems to be some sort of vibe, I would have the talk pretty quickly, possibly even the first date. And I wouldn’t be dramatic, just simply say, you need to know something, I have herpes. I control it with medication, but no matter how you slice it, it is what it is.

There are "herpes sites" but they kind of creep me out at this point.

I have enough common sense that I wouldn’t casually mention this as we are flinging clothing all over the room.

What are your thoughts? Is there a "right time or wrong time" to have this discussion?

If ok, want to jump on my soapbox for a second, if anyone reading this has herpes, do the right thing, let people know. One of the most difficult things I had to do was call former boyfriends I may have exposed (think it was dormant in my system for quite sometime, I honestly did not know). None of these guys started screaming at me, they THANKED me and said they would get tested – none of them had it -YAY!!!!

This is forever, don’t make it forever for someone else – have "the talk".

Thanks Evan, happy new year!


Important question, Jen. And while I’m not an expert in herpes, per se, I do know a number of people who have it, and continue to lead rich, happy, limitless dating lives. So don’t worry. It’s all gonna be okay.

I do know a number of people who have it, and continue to lead rich, happy, limitless dating lives. 

I think all the readers should take a second to put themselves in your shoes for a moment. Because one second you’re saying “No way” to a guy with herpes, and the next, you’re praying that a guy doesn’t judge you for this one minor thing.

And let me be clear, it IS a minor thing.

According to Herpes.com, 50-80 percent of the American adult population has oral herpes. Ever had a cold sore? Congratulations. You probably have oral herpes. As far as genital herpes goes, we’re talking 20% of the population. That’s 50 MILLION people, a majority of whom don’t even know they’re infected. The scariest part of this whole thing is the staggering ignorance about herpes – a disease that undoubtedly affects someone that you know.

Don’t think so? Well, let’s just say that I have close friends, clients, and ex-girlfriends who have genital herpes, and none of them are traumatized, hospitalized or ostracized because of it. So let’s get past that.

Just know that if you have the disease, you may be entirely asymptomatic, which would mean that you could potentially transmit it without knowing. And if you do have symptoms, they are easily controlled with the use of drugs. The question is how do you explain this to someone else who is freaked out by this kind of stuff?…

I think the best answer is to treat your condition matter-of-factly. The bigger deal you make out of it, the bigger deal it becomes. This should be like talking about how your father died, or how you had anorexia in high school, or how you didn’t lose your virginity until you were 25. All of those things might be sensitive and relevant, but they don’t have to be dealbreaker-type issues if dealt with effectively.

I wouldn’t put it in a profile, I wouldn’t say it on a first date, and I wouldn’t say it when slipping on a condom. I’d wait until you were ready to have genital contact and initiate the conversation prior. Perhaps even a few days prior. Do it in person so your partner can look you in the eyes and ask any questions. And make sure you have your facts ready in case he’s curious. You want to make it clear: this is a fact about you, and it’s something you have under total control. He need not worry.

You can literally have this conversation after dinner or a movie while walking, so as not to make the situation feel too pressurized. And while it’s not quite “Please pass the salt”, you can probably cover what you need to cover in just a few minutes, as opposed to a two-hour herpes summit.

Major bulletpoints:

You trust him and feel he needs the truth if the relationship is to progress.

You have herpes. It’s a fact that he needs to know about you.

You have a handle on the disease and outbreaks are rare.

He will not catch it since you take drugs and carefully monitor the situation.

He can ask you questions, research it, digest it, but understand that it’s not a big deal. 1/6 of the country has it and most don’t even know.

Again, I’m no expert, but I coached one client through this tricky process. She said the conversation with her new guy took less than five minutes and didn’t blow her chances with him at all.

And finally, if there are herpes dating sites for people who aren’t afraid of your condition, maybe you should at least take a peek, okay?

Take care and good luck.



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  1. 121

    it is funny how everyone is worried about herpes. oral herpes and genital are the same however they both have diff site preferences. why are we not kissing with dental damns? it is not a big deal. considering oral herpes is more dangerous than genital, it can cause ocular herpes and cause blindess. don’t let the fact that it is on the family jewels make it such a huge deal. it is considerate to tell your new partner. it is even estimated 1 in 3 people have it and bc they do not have outbreaks do not know. suing people over stds? guess i forgot how ridiculous some people are. Get out there and start dating! make sure u ask your partner to get tested as well before having sex, he or she may end up realizing they have it. understand it is important to get tested before sleeping around, it would prevent a lot of people from getting this virus.

  2. 122

    I just found out 3 days ago that I have HSVII.  I was scared, but not shocked, as my ex husband of 8 years had it and I knew about it.  We were always very careful, but still, there is always a “chance” of spreading the virus…  I had no idea that my 2 cold sores I get a year, are genital herpes as well.  The doctor enlightened me that the can come up anywhere, as HSVI can show in the genitals…  Well.. I just wanted to say thank you for all the helpful information!  I have since met a nice man and now that I’m armed with all the information I need, I’ll be prepared to answer his questions when that time comes in our relationship.

  3. 123

    You guys are lucky….I was seeing a woman on and off for 3 years..the past year exclusive…..she told me she had heerpes AFTER 3 YEARS……during the ‘conversation’ She admitted that she told 2 other men she had it before she slept with them…..I tested negative thank God……lets just say I was stunned,deflated etc on a nmber of levels….

  4. 124

    I’ve read a few people who have mild cases say it is not a big deal. Well I suppose if you have a mild case it is not a big deal. I got herpes from someone who told me after sex, I stayed because I was already in love but let me tell you it is a big deal. Most people have mild 1-5 times a year outbreaks, mine are almost constant and herpes is INSIDE my Urethra and on tip of penis as well as underside, extremely painful. Recently becoming single from the person I got it from I now cannot even imagine passing this on to anyone. Considering how horrible my case of herpes is how could I possibly tell someone it is not that big a deal. Yeah I know all about valtrex and other meds, have spent thousands on them, no help. Doctor even says mine might be resistant to these anti virals. So it is a big deal – I will never get to kiss and be passionate with a woman again – bitter hell yeah.

  5. 125

    This is why I love EMK!  This thread is so helpful to me right now, because I am falling in love with a wonderful man and we have had three dates that have been just perfect.  The chemistry is electric between us and I know that I want to sleep with him.  However, he is a recent widower, and I am scared of having the “talk,” even though I know I must. 

    I have had HSV-II and I all my adult life.  I contracted it when I was 20 (I am now 50) from a guy that not only didn’t tell me, dumped me after I complained that I had a rash on my genitals.  I hadn’t had sex with anyone else, and it had to be him.  My own experience of having the talk has been mixed.  My ex-husband never caught it.  One guy I told in the last year wouldn’t have sex with me, but wanted to just go out on dates and make out.  Another guy I dated for four months was fine with it at first, sympathetic actually, but told me finally that having sex with me was too much work because of condoms and being careful that he just didn’t enjoy it.  I think he had other issues though.  And still a third said it was fine, we had sex, used condoms, but then he went on a website and freaked out … said we shouldn’t have even kissed!  I don’t know what he read, but he clearly didn’t get it, and said that I should have told him before we even went out (I told him on the second date when it became clear that we might be intimate that evening). 
    So, I have decided that I will tell my new guy the next time we are together, and give him time to process it before we may become intimate.  He just had a procedure the other day and can’t have sex of any kind (even self-administered) until Sunday at least, so now is a good time.  If he walks, he walks.  That is the risk I take.  He may say its ok and two months down the road decide that its not ok.  Thats the risk I take there too.  I think that it might be easier to date others who have the condition, but there are those who have successful relationships where one has it and the other doesn’t.  You just have to be honest and upfront, and let the pieces fall where they may.  The risk of NOT telling is far greater, and if your new love then decides to dump you after having sex, then I think you have it coming, IMHO.  But it is something that can be lived with, and I have definitely lived with it for a long time, not happily, but more as an inconvenience than anything else.  It is not a death sentence, but when others treat you like a leper, it can be pretty shocking to the self-esteem.  But I thinkj that says more about them than it does about me.

  6. 126

    My ex boyfriend, whom I dated for a little over a year had genital herpes. Shortly after we split, two months ago, I got tested and the results came back negative. YAY!!

    I loved him and I always felt that who he was as a person was so much more than the fact that he had genital herpes.  With that said, I broke up with him when I realized that our relationship was no longer heading towards marriage (at some point along the way I became short term rather than long term relationship material)

    I am SO THRILLED that even though I unexpectedly found myself back on the market, I was able to leave the relationship the same way in which I entered it – disease free. I thank god that I walked away with only a broken heart. I would have been DEVASTATED if I would have ended up with BOTH a broken heart AND an incurable STD! Especially so since he let me walk away so easily and has now moved on to his next girlfriend. It made me realize that I wasn’t as important to him as he’d originally lead me to believe.

    My feeling now is that if the relationship isn’t going to lead to marriage, it isn’t worth my taking the risk of contracting and incurable sexually transmitted disease from a man with whom I have no future with.

  7. 127

    I was diagnosed with Herpes II two years ago. Not sure when I got it though. Anyway, I met a guy only a MONTH after finding out about it. I waited for a month before I told him. He said thats nothing, and we stayed in a relationship for two years and we never used protection, nor was I on suppressive therapy and he is herpes free. He just got tested again in Feb, and is still herpes free. My doctor said transmission possibility is 10%, but who knows?
    Anyway, I told another guy and he said that Im not dirty, I just get bumps from time to time. LOL
    So far, my experience has been positive. Mainly because I refuse to even talk about sex until i tell them about my little friend.

  8. 128

    I had my first breakout in 2004.  Since then, it’s been a long tough road – the toughest part is telling potential partners.  

    I’ve had the talk several ways and I’ve found the best way is to tell them before sex, when hormones aren’t running high.  

    Its usually best to be confident when talking about it. But i’ve had a couple situations where I was totally crying, and even then, those two guys understood.  One of the guys ended up telling me that he used to work at an STD clinic, so he was very knowledgeable on the subject.  And another guy, I was crying when I told him, and he just held me and said it was ok, that he was ok with it.

    Another time, I had just come back from dinner with a guy, we were sitting in his car and he had somewhere to go, so he was just dropping me off and leaving.  I wasn’t really sure how to say it, so I just said it, “I have something to tell you – I’ve had herpes for years.  And I’ll understand if you don’t want to move forward with our situation.”  And then he said, “Well, I”m gonna need some time to think about it.”  I said, “Of course” and I got out of the car and walked inside my apartment.  I was just holding back the tears – I really didn’t want to cry in front of him.  I didn’t hear from him for weeks, til finally he texted me and we had a conversation via text about it.  We ended up dating for about 6 months after that.

    Though, sometimes, I think that if a guy does decide to go ahead with sex, then that just shows that he actually likes me and cares for me.  The guys who have ran away right away were the ones where there really wasn’t much of a friendship/relationship/deep interest before I disclosed the info to them.

    I’ve also been pretty open and specific on things we can do in bed to keep him from getting infected.  If he’d prefer to not have oral sex I’m ok with that…and just have sex with condoms….use toys….kissing a lot…holding hands…masturbating together…etc…anything that makes him feel comfortable about the situation.

    I’ve told them that I haven’t had a breakout in years, and that I’m focusing on diet/exercise to help reduce the chance of spreading.  I’ve also told them that I can take medication, to reduce the chance of spreading, though I’ve read that after a while taking the medication can be toxic to the body.  I’ve read that there are no studies on a person who’s taken medication beyond one year.

    The crying and negative energy I’ve previously expressed when telling a few guys didn’t phase them.  But I’m sure there’s a guy out there who may have a poor reaction if I’m crying or too quiet.  So…the next time I tell someone, I’m really gonna try hard to follow the suggestions that many websites offer on how to tell a partner – be confident and don’t cry and be ready to answer any questions they may have and encourage them to research more about it on their own.  We’ll see how that goes for me… I currently have a love interest, and I wan’t to take it to the next level and have sex with him and I can’t sleep right now, worrying about his reaction…so I really hope he understands or tells me “Hey, I have herpes too!!”  That would be awesome!! <3

  9. 129

    I’ve read a lot of the comment here and have been offended by some and impressed by others.  I am a female who has been HSV I positive for a little over a year. Which brings me to my observation.  

    A few people writing comments have been rather condescending, self-righteous and judgmental.  I got genital Herpes I (commonly known as what most people get as cold sores around the mouth) through oral sex with a man who knew he got cold sores, did not have a cold sore at the time, had not had a cold sore for a decade and was tested regularly. As most doctors tell people, and most people believe, “they’re just cold sores” and “you don’t disclose this to your sexual partners”. So, he didn’t.  Now, as we’ve read, nearly 80-90% of the population has HSV 1 of the mouth, commonly known as, cold sores.  

    My observation, and question is, I wonder how many of you with cold sores sit down and tell your potential partners “I have HSV 1 of the oral region and it can be transmitted to the genitals should we partake in unprotected oral sex, whether I have a visible cold sore or not. It’s called viral shedding and I thought I should let you know that as my potential partner.”

    Really.  How many of you do this?

    Until this conversation is universal with people with herpes of ALL KINDS, I tend to ignore a lot of the snide, judgmental and condescending comments most people make to people with genital herpes because, more than likely, hypocrites with oral herpes never once having told a partner. 

    And, though I have HSV 1, with less outbreaks (I’ve only had one — the first — and will probably never have another because genital HSV 1 is not in it’s site of preference, therefore outbreaks are less severe and less in number) herpes really isn’t a big deal once you accept, deal, get support and move on with your life.  In some ways, it’s empowering and life-saving, because you now have the option to increasingly date other herpes positive individuals who practice sexual responsibility and know exactly what they have.

    I’d rather date these people than those who don’t know, don’t test, haven’t tested or think, just because they get little cold sores now and again, they’re safer (non-protected) sex partners than the rest of us.

  10. 130

    I have been tested for herpes but won’t know the results for another 9 days. I will not engage in sex with my bf until I know the results and, if needed, have the talk. I’m really stressed and am afraid he’ll pick up on it plus how can I tell him no sex this weekend…I don’t like to lie and I’m not good at it…he’s going to want to get it on. What I’m wondering is should I tell him I’m being tested and it’s a possibilty (I won’t have to lie about no sex) or should I wait until I know for sure. Either way I’m afraid of being rejected.

  11. 131

    I was unknowingly contracted herpes 17 years ago.  I found out about 10 years ago as I had an outbreak. I’m certain of who the person was and we did use a condom… they are not 100% as any skin to skin contact can transmit herpes. I told my BF at the time and he was fine with it. He was more concerned about how it affected me than about his chances of getting it. He was tested and never contracted it. We have since broken up and I’m now seeing someone else. I plan to tell the guy I am seeing. However, it is difficult.

    Why is it so difficult? It’s the judgement of those that have posted here that I and others can do without. I’m 90% sure that the guy I am seeing will be understanding and it will not affect our relationship. The other 10% is due to some of those that have posted here not knowing anything about any type of illness. Cold sores are also herpes, but no one complains. You can get a regular cold sore in the genital area and it is still only a cold sore according to doctors.  Don’t read what the internet has to say, because mostly it is written by those who don’t really know.

    We are still human and should be treated as such. We don’t have a debilitating disease as we live normal lives.  I haven’t had an outbreak in years and I have not transmitted it to anyone else. Yes, I can guarantee that.  I can guarantee that 75% of those who have posted here have not been tested for any sexual disease. Why? Because they are too scared to find out if they have it as they don’t want someone to judge them. So don’t judge us.  

    Herpes does NOT cause illnesses, heart failure, lung failure, leprosy, joint problems, hair loss or any other disease that any person has stated here. As a matter of fact, it has NOT affected my daily life in any way, shape or form. What has affected me are those that are scared of something they do not know about.  I NEVER judge others. Even before I found out, I never judged a friend who told me she got chlamydia from her BF who she thought was faithful. I NEVER judged a male friend who confided in me when he contracted genital warts unknowingly and he used a condom.

    A cold, the flu, strep, pneumonia, meningitis affect MILLIONS of people each year. However, not one person here can tell me that they hide out in their house because they are scared to get it. There is no cure for the flu, for strep, for pneumonia, for the cold. You can still get it several times each year and it does debilitate you in someone herpes DOES NOT! Just for the record. I haven’t had a cold in over 10 years, never had the flu, pneumonia or meningitis. So think of that before you start judging others with HSV1 or 2, which both can be in genital area or on the mouth.

  12. 132
    Karl R

    Jen said: (#131)
    “As a matter of fact, it has NOT affected my daily life in any way, shape or form. What has affected me are those that are scared of something they do not know about.”

    Indirectly, the social stigma is a side effect of HSV-2.

    If I were to contract HSV-2, I would feel obliged to inform my partners before engaging in any behavior which put them at risk, and I’m quite aware that many women would refuse to date me for that reason (either becuase they misunderstand the physical effects or because they clearly understand the social stigma).

    From a physical standpoint, HSV-2 is no more scary than HSV-1 (both my fiancée and I tested positive for HSV-1). But HSV-2 carries a serious social stigma. HSV-1 does not.

    Jen said: (#131)
    “I can guarantee that 75% of those who have posted here have not been tested for any sexual disease. Why? Because they are too scared to find out if they have it as they don’t want someone to judge them.”

    Even if a person gets tested for STDs, they might not test for HSV. When I got tested, I had to specifically request that the lab test for HSV (and Hepatitis) or they wouldn’t have checked for it. And my doctor tried to talk me out of getting tested for HSV.

  13. 133

    Thanks for the reply! Some people seem to think that HSV1 is worse than HSV2. You are absolutely correct! Last Friday, I told the wonderful man I’m dating. He was completely fine with it. His exact words, “There are precautions that we can take. There is no way I am letting that come between us.” He truly is a great guy and that was a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders as I really do love him! I was terrified of being rejected. Your input was greatly appreciated.

  14. 134

    What a pointless conversation would that be .A 99.99999% of human population  is infected permanently with viruses of :
    -Flu ,Herpes ,chicken pox ,…………………………………………..
    The rest gets infected  as soon as it gets born 
    I’m stunned, amazed at your kind of logic which imply that you could carry  a genome picture of yourself and presented to your boyfriend with the all viruses I just mention
    Virtually all people 100 % are infected with all kind of viruses at some point at their life .There s no such think like I’m  not infected 
    You all are .
    The difference is only ia what stage of development is your virus and that reflects the symptomatic response Let say it we had some people with very weak immune system which got hard times suppressing viruses
    (those are the immune compromised patients     )
    then we have all the rest they suppress the viruses constantly  but at some point at your  life with stress and hard times underway your  immunity gets under attack  and the viruses (mainly herpes ) surface on your lips 
    It a normal Almost everybody gets it .You can control your immune system like improving it to suppress the viruses by healthy lifestyle and moderate exegesis and balanced diet but when it comes to genetic you can only do nothing almost  
    The only problem comes if You meet HIV which render your immune system useless so you eider rest in peace or take medication for life to battle it
    I just would say : Herpes is especially contagious and powerful when it comes from an open source in the mount directly .Even if your friend is contaminated as well additional attack  to his immunity can cripple his immunity for short time  just about like yourself
    Herpes is life long infection It s never completely cured .The only think the boddy do perfectly with viruses is build the defenses and suppress them to the point of no no development stages   .The real challenge to the science at the moment is just to get the picture how exactly works .
    They find the extreme complexity of the behaiviour of this virus HSV 1or2 
    as he using  the neuron fibers in the body to travel in the host as well the neuron sells when he hides deeply from the invading immune cells which look for him constantly to destroy him
    At the current  state of our science we are completely helpless to all kind of viruses so all you can do is just Fuc… your body when you feel good and contain yourself when you get breakout

  15. 135

    Thank-you Cynthia for your contributions to this thread.  You seem to be one of the few clear minded individuals that is posting something of value.  For anyone new to this thread, just read what Cynthia has to say in particular post #48.  I find what she has written as very accurate.  Let’s not perpetuate the stigma attached with herpes, it does no one any good!!

  16. 136

    Just to add to this, I thought I would add a piece from good old wikipedia surrounding ‘herpes hype’:

    Since the creation of the herpes hype, some people experience negative feelings related to the condition following diagnosis, particularly if they have acquired the genital form of the disease. Feelings can include depression, fear of rejection, feelings of isolation, fear of being found out, self-destructive feelings, and fear of masturbation.[91] These feelings usually lessen over time. Much of the hysteria and stigma surrounding herpes stems from a media campaign beginning in the late 1970s and peaking in the early 1980s. There were multiple articles worded in fear-mongering and anxiety-provoking terminology, such as the now ubiquitous “attacks,” “outbreaks,” “victims,” and “sufferers.” At one point the term “herpetic” even entered the popular lexicon. The articles were published by Reader’s Digest, U.S. News, and Time magazine, among others. A made-for-TV movie was named Intimate Agony. The peak was when Time magazine had ‘Herpes: The New Scarlet Letter’ on the cover in August 1982, forever stigmatizing the word in the public mind.[71] The scientific reality is that most people are asymptomatic, the virus causes no real health problems for a vast majority of people, and a vast majority (around 90%) of the Earth’s population carries HSV-1, 2, or both.[92][93] Herpes support groups have been formed in the United States and the UK, providing information about herpes and running message forums and dating websites for “sufferers.” People with the herpes virus are often hesitant to divulge to other people, including friends and family, that they are infected. This is especially true of new or potential sexual partners whom they consider casual.[94]

  17. 137

    I have found that most people,men and women who got herpes 2,when pressed, you find they were irresponsible and reckless….I dated a woman on and off for 2 years…the stupid ass told me at 2 years and 1 month that she HAD it,only cause she had an outbreak…for all I know it was a NEW case…point is, I dumped her ass…she claimed to have had it for 20 years, and yet was ignorant about it…how dare anyone play God with someone elses health….If you have herpes, im running for the hills….sorry, but thats the reality

  18. 138

    Hey it really great that i come across this !!!!! I decided to get a check up and it came back postitive!!!!!! im SO scared , angry , sad I cant see me having this !!!! Not me!!!!! MY sex life is SO OVER!!!! IM so confuse !!!! I dont understand!!! I feel so dirty!!!!!!

  19. 139

    i honestly am shocked that some of you think this is “not a big deal”! im sorry that some of you are unfortunate to have this horrible disease, but the only reason you think its “not a big deal” is because you have it yourself. no  matter if you use condoms, are on medication, have no outbreaks or whatever- you can still pass it to another. and it is a crime in lots of states to sleep with someone knowing you have it and sleeping with someone and not informing them of it! its a felony in my state punishable by prison time. this deserves the social stigma it has. the outbreaks are painful, you basically have to be put on expensive medications for the rest of your life, those medications can cause long term side affects and it affects your future relationships with others. i have also read that 30€ percent of people with genital herpes have considered suicide. it also has far more affects on unborn children than most of you claim! it can cause brain damage and mental retardation, and i will find studies that say so and post them asap. i just cant believe this and i also do not believe some of you whem you say most peopke still chose to be/sleep with you after learning this. my friend did a study in highschool and when asking fellow students if they would sleep with a person or comtinue dating someone that had this when faced with all the facts, one thousand out of a thousand student said no. im sorry but its not a simple skin rash. people with herpes need to date other people with herpes. its selfish and disturbing that you would want to subject this disease on anyone, whether they were cool with it or not, regardless of if they had a choice. this deserves the stigma it has. period.

    1. 139.1

      Purplei you are, hands down, one of the most willfully ignorant people I’ve heard from on this forum. You don’t know the first thing about what you are talking about, yet you pontificate with such arrogant authority. 1. It’s not a crime of any kind in any state if you disclose your status. 2. I am not on any kind of “expensive medication” and I’ve never had an outbreak, which is, in fact, the norm. 80% of those infected have no symptoms. 3. I have never once considered suicide. That’s asinine. 4. It does not effect the unborn child. The danger to a baby is if the mother is in an initial outbreak (having just caught it) during the birth. This is very easily dealt with by c-section. 5. I’ve only had one guy choose not to sleep with me after disclosure and we’re still friends. 6. I will never “subject this disease on anyone, ever.” I will always disclose my status and allow other adults to make adult decisions. 7. Have you ever had sex, condom or no condom, doesn’t matter? Have you ever shared a drink, spoon or gotten a kiss from a anyone with HSV1 (remember you can’t tell by looking at them and they may not know themselves)? If so, you need to get your ass tested ASAP before you spout anymore of your intolerant BS. 8. It’s too bad being a hyper critical nimrod doesn’t carry the  “stigma” it deserves.

  20. 140

    I need help here.  I have never been able to be formally diagnosed with herpes.  Every time I have had sores, they are either gone by the time I get in to see a doctor, or the tests of sores come back as negative for herpes.  A blood test I got showed I “was exposed to herpes at one time or another” acoording to my doctor.  So, I am pretty sure I have it.  I only get “outbreaks” once every several months or so (and I quoted outbreaks because again, the few times they were present when I got to a doctor it came back negative for herpes).  So do I have herpes?   Should I disclose this to a potential partner?  How do you tell someone that blood tests came back postitive for herpes exposure, but no one can formally diagnose me? 

    1. 140.1

      If you test positive in a blood test you have herpes. Period. It doesn’t matter if you never have an outbreak. I’ve never had a single one, yet I still “have” herpes. Once it’s in your body it is there forever and you can pass it to others. That being said, it’s not the end of the world. But yes, you do have The Herp.

  21. 141

    This is bullshit I’ve had herpes for over 6 years I got it from a man who had a full blown outbreak I didn’t know what it was but I new it was something wrong when I had sex with him he didn’t tell me he had it but asked to turn the lights off. your proobobly saying wtf why did you still do it *for drugs* that’s why I had an outbreak about a month later and had outbreaks very often while I was abusing drugs. Once I got  clean the outbreaks decreased and even had sex during an outbreak *no telling that boyfriend no* and he didn’t get it I have had sex for 6 years with various people with the virus protected and unprotected and no one has ever gotten it from me. I think it’s a joke and I don’t think you should have to tell anyone that you have it. It was a deal breaker for me most times I told people. 

  22. 142

    lol if your blood tests positive for herpes you have herpes and to all the dousches out there who think you can sue you can’t I spoke to several lawyers about suing the person who gave it to me. 

  23. 143

    I have been tested for herpes but won’t know the results for another 9 days. I will not engage in sex with my bf until I know the results and, if needed, have the talk. I’m really stressed and am afraid he’ll pick up on it plus I have to tell him no sex this weekend. I don’t like to lie and I’m not good at it…he’s going to want to get it on. I’m not sure i should I tell him I’m being tested and it’s a possibilty (I won’t have to lie about no sex) or if should I wait until I know for sure. Either way I’m afraid of being rejected.

  24. 144

    get ready for rejection I was rejected by 99 percent of the guys i told i had herpes and I’m damn sure more than one had an STD and never told me shit. 

  25. 145

    And to people who don’t think you need to tell the person you’re going to sleep with, how do you live with yourself? The whole reason you have it is because you got it from someone who probably doesn’t know they have it because they got it from someone who didn’t bother to tell them. I think we can all agree and say @&#* you!!!!!! People deserve to know. If you care about someone enough to sleep with them then you should care enough about them to inform them of the risk they’re taking!!!

  26. 146

    For the ones that say they’ve never been rejected after the talk-it makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.  I’m a good looking lady, but I have been rejected over and over again.  It hurts so much…
    As for those who are prejudice….I have had 3 children vaginally since the diagnosis, who are almost adults now, and I have never given it to anyone

  27. 147

    Well, I did tell my guy I was dating, he is now my boyfriend.  I waited until about our 6th date.  He was telling me how he was telling all his friends (and family) about me and I felt that I had to tell him right then.  I told him, he was fine.  We are still not sexually active yet, but when the time comes to take our relationship to the sexual level, we will do the right things to make sure he doesn’t get it.  He respected me even more for telling him and being up front about it.  He told me that there are people out there who just wouldn’t say anything and he felt that my disclosing this information reflected on my character and it made him like me that much more. 

    I was confused about not being diagnosed prior to blood tests, more I was probably in denial.  But the only problems I ran into with lack of being diagnosed was that doctors didn’t want to give me any prescription for medication if I wasn’t having an outbreak, or if “outbreak” cultures came back negative.  When I finally demanded a blood test I was told that they were not 100% reliable, especially if you have ever had a cold sore, which I never have, so to me blood test was reliable enough.  I finally found a doctor to write me a prescription for acyclovir.  But even this doctor took some persuading, because with no current outbreak, they don’t seem to want to give you a prescription for anything. 

    Either way, I think it is only fair to tell the person you want to be with.  I don’t think it’s a first date conversation.  But if you think the relationship could become serious, you have to tell the person. 

  28. 148

    So what some of you are saying is that because someone was unfortunate enough to contract hsv 1 or 2 they should be punished and dont deserve to live a happy life? so those who say that a person with herpes should only be in a relationship with someone with herpes is basically saying just send them off to an island like there a lepar, well excuse me but in my opinion you need to have a reality check! Thats one of the most ignorant things I have heard, and frankly I find it heartless and cold. if you are upfront with a person about this and THEY choose you are worth it then that is there right, the person is not being lied to or manipulated and if  they feel the person is worth the risk that also is there choice. Some times accidents happen, It doesnt mean a person should have to be treated like the plague because of a bad situation accidental or not. and say in the case a person is raped and contracts the virus, you honestly think they should have to feel like crap about themselves for the rest of their lives, Honestly the thoughts of those who feel that a person with hsv should be treated any differently than a person with out it should be ashamed of the ignorance and  needs to get over their selves and you should be ashamed that you live in these days and still feel you have the right to judge or profile a person based on something that they possibly had no control over. If you personally choose to not be with somebody based on the fact they have hsv that is just fine and your right, But you have NO right to make the people who suffer from hsv feel that because of this they dont have the right to live a normal life and honestly it makes me sick to hear people think that way, I pray for your sake that you never ACCIDENTLY make a mistake and contract a std because it will be a rude awakening and I am sure instead of making the best out of what you have you will surely destroy your own life solely based on ignorant beliefs, People dont ask for bad things to happen to them, sometimes its just life, Yes hsv clearly isnt ideal but its also not the end of the world. Its just a matter of finding the people in the world who are accepting and non judgemental and surround yourselves with them and I guarantee the quality of life you will have will far surpass the quality of life of the people who choose to put themselves on a judgemental pedi stool! That being said, You cant take back what has happened the only thing left to do is live your life the best you can and not be discouraged by the people out there who are to afraid of there own shadows to accept the reality of life!  

  29. 149

    also… this forum is supposed to be a safe place people can go for advice to help them deal with the problem not to be critcized and judged, If you so strongly beleive people with hsv dont deserve a normal life why are you even on this site? are you simply browsing around and putting forth your opinion because you have nothing better to do! didnt your mother ever tell you if you have nothing nice to say dont say anything at all! well if she didnt then I am! Once agian get off your self righteous High horse. and keep you negative opionions to your selves!

  30. 150


    Some people prefer to date people without any STDs- its called looking out for your own health, and it’s everyone’s right. 

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