I’m a 40-Year Old Man Who Has Never Had A Girlfriend Or Sex.

I'm a 40-Year Old Man Who Has Never Had A Girlfriend Or Sex

First off, I’m glad to have found your site. Your advice is thoughtful and reasonable, unlike many others out there. Suffice to say, you’ve given me a lot to think about. So here’s my situation. This year, I will turn 40. Despite my attempts since I went to college, I am still a virgin. Yes, I’ve seen the movie, and I won’t lie: I’m afraid of becoming the archetype of that fictional character.

Over the years, I’ve learnt—albeit slowly, it seems—about many mistakes I’ve been doing. Not paying attention to women’s body language, not trying to go in for the first kiss, it’s a long laundry list of things I go “Crap, I should have done that!”.

But despite my efforts (and the assistance of friends over the years), I have never had a girlfriend or sex. As of recently, I try to find women between 25 and 42 years old. I’ve read a lot about what you’ve said about “Ineffective versus Effective” and “What I want in a woman versus what she wants about me”, and I guess I’m still a bit confused. I think that my situation (and that of other virgins in my predicament) is a little different in some ways, but also the same in others when it comes to relationships, sex, et cetera. I am an only child, and my parents are kind of old fashioned and raised me as such. I don’t usually try to go for/get a kiss on the first date, and I don’t try to force sex to happen right away.

Friends and coworkers alike have given me a huge span of advice and suggestions, from “sowing my oats” with a professional escort/hooking up with an “easy” college girl, to being persistent and trying to find that “special one”.

Eventually, I want to buy one or several of your products, but anything constructive you can offer me would be highly appreciated.


Dear Mo,

As a dating coach for women, I rarely run letters from men. But maybe I should do it a little more, considering that 54% of my readers (according to Google Analytics) are actually men. And if you’ve been reading for a while, Mo, you know that I do two things with each reader question:

  1. 10% of the time, I’ll provide validation that the reader is 100% correct in her assessment of things. That generally means saying something like, “He’s a jerk. Dump him. Move on.” The problem with these questions is that they’re boring. There’s only so many ways to say, “You’re right!” which make for a boring advice column. Which is why most of my advice veers towards…
  2. 90% of the time, I’ll let you know what you’re doing/thinking/believing that is not getting you results. Either that means shining the light into a blind spot and giving you an idea of what you can’t see, or it’s telling you how to conduct yourself differently to get different results.

In your situation, I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

That makes giving unique advice a little bit tricky, you know?

Now, I’ve written about this stuff before.

I’ve talked about how passionate, competent guys get the girl.

I’ve talked about how nice guys (with balls) finish first.

I’ve talked about how women should value nice guys a little more.

But it doesn’t really matter what I say. Telling women to value nice guys more is like telling men to value older, heavier women more. People want what people want. At the end of the day, we all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You’ve had a lot of time to think about this, my friend. You’ve gone over the laundry list of things you could have done differently over the years. You may have valid excuses in how you were raised, but it really doesn’t matter if you were raised old-fashioned. You’ve been on your own for 20 years now.

So what constructive advice can I offer you? Should you lose your virginity with a pro just to get it over with? Should you hold out for someone special? I would suggest no to both options.

In fact, the biggest problem you have surrounding sex is that you’re making WAY too big a deal about it. Apart from the fact that sex can create babies, in 99% of cases, it’s just a fun thing that people do when they’re attracted to each other. By not carrying yourself with confidence, not asking out more women, not making the first move, not pushing to go further, and not seeing yourself as a sexual being, you’ve projected yourself to women as safe and asexual as well. It’s time to reboot and start from scratch.

We all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You don’t need to have sex tomorrow.
You don’t need to have sex with someone you love.
You need to make up for lost time and catch up with what everyone else was doing from 14-21.

I rarely plug my own products on here, but you should begin with Finding the One Online, my online dating audio series. It’s much easier and more accessible (for nice guys) than going to pubs to hit on hot 27-year-olds. Despite the sales page being written for women, Finding the One Online is actually a unisex product, created in 2008 for both men AND women. It’s helped thousands of people choose a dating site, write better profiles, post better photos, understand the opposite sex, and learn to move from email to the phone to the real life date.

Instead of skipping steps and worrying about getting naked with someone, you just need the experience of being around women, learning to act on your attraction, and demystifying this sex thing that you’ve built up in your mind. One step at a time. Go on a bunch of dates. Build up your dating skills. Get more confidence. And when it’s time for you to have sex, you’ll be as ready as any man ever was.

Click here to learn more about Finding the One Online and how it can attract more, high quality prospects on your dating site than you ever imagined possible.

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  1. 91
    His looks might be the problem.

    It’s time we rethink how much things like looks and other physical shortcomings play a role in situations like these.  If a man is any combination of short, fat, facially ugly or disabled, he’s gonna have a VERY hard time. If he’s also poor?  Then he’s _really_ in for a rough time!  Women are every bit as visual as men, and it’s time we stopped denying it.  A man’s looks matter, and they matter A LOT more than we’re comfortable admitting.  The way my dating life changed after fixing my own looks proved this point – completely, irrefutably and DRAMATICALLY.

    Before then, I was just like this guy.  Spent many years devouring self-help books and putting them into practice, yet it didn’t help.  Friends would try to set me up, and it was always the same story.  “He’s a great guy, but just not my type”. I endured over 20 years of constant rejection and frustration despite my best efforts. By the way, I DIDN’T DARE GO AFTER THE BEAUTIFUL ONES. Made that mistake once in high school and got a brutal lesson in what my league was.  “Staying in your lane” wasn’t my problem.

    Fast forward to today.  TWO years of bodybuilding and $18,000 in plastic surgery proved FAR more effective than TWENTY years of trying to improve my “inner beauty” enough that someone could overlook my physical appearance!  I went from constant rejection, to being overwhelmed with options and not knowing how to handle it.

    Most people never experience both sides of the fence, going from “goose” to “swan”, and that plays a huge part in why so much dating advice is, quite frankly, bullshit. Looks matter, and if you don’t make that hurdle first, you ain’t going anywhere with her. Point blank and period.

    So much dating advice has basic attractiveness requirements attached for it to work, and we’re doing more harm than good by not acknowledging this.  When a guy is in his 30s and 40s, yet never had a girlfriend, he’s either got serious problems with his looks or something mental going on.

    1. 91.1

      I completely agree about the importance of looks for men.  One of my all time favorite shows just returned to tv — Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  Those men work MIRACLES with men’s appearance.  Many men who seem unattractive at first blush can go through an amazing transformation with a good hair cut and updated clothes that fit well.

  2. 92

    I’m 37 and have never had a girlfriend or sex – or even been kissed. I’m not the kind of guy who’s willing to pay for it – which sadly, is the only way I could ever experience any form of physical intimacy. No woman could ever want me, so I never ask women out because rejection – at a bare minimum is always guaranteed – if not worse (she’d likely accuse me of harassment just for smiling and saying Hi).Online dating is a complete waste of time for me – no woman would ever look at me – and if I were to message a woman, there is no chance whatsoever I’d get a reply. Other guys get dates, girlfriends, etc., because they are attractive men – at least to somebody. I am fundamentally unattractive to women, so please don’t tell me that dating is a numbers game, to gain confidence, or to put myself out there and get rejected by every woman out there. There is zero chance any woman could be sexually attracted to me, so there is no point in trying.

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