I’m Pregnant and My Husband Is No Longer Interested in Sex With Me.

I’m Pregnant and My Husband Is No Longer Interested in Sex With Me.

My husband and I haven’t had intercourse lately because I am pregnant and he’s afraid it will hurt the baby. He didn’t have a problem with it from the beginning to the 6th month. I continuously give him hints and touch him playfully everyday, but he still refuses to have sex. I like to sleep alone so I make him sleep on the couch and he understands that, but he likes to sneak back in later when I am asleep and cuddle up with me. Okay, I admit, not having sex for a while is getting to me cause I am still young and virile. So last night I went to bed naked thinking he would cuddle up again and perhaps have sex, but no, he didn’t. Anyway, I caught him masturbating to Girls Gone Wild and it hurt me. I don’t know if I should be angry or forget about it. I know it hurts my feelings though that he chose to masturbate to other girls instead of having the real thing with me… Right now, I just don’t know how to get over it. Because of his actions, I feel that i am not attractive to him anymore. Any advice? -Hannah

Oh, Hannah. You sound very young.

And because you’re very young, it seems that there a number of things that you need to be taught about men that older women have already figured out themselves.

So let’s start from the beginning.

1. Your husband is afraid that having sex will hurt the baby.

The fear is normal, if a bit overstated. The reaction to this fear is ridiculous. Have you heard of Google? I just Googled “does sex hurt the baby?”

Here’s what the Mayo Clinic had to say:

“Your developing baby is protected by the amniotic fluid in your uterus, as well as the strong muscles of the uterus itself. Sexual activity won’t affect your baby.”

Until you start communicating like an adult couple, your sexual problems are likely to continue.

Now that we’ve quickly dispelled that myth, your husband doesn’t have any excuse.

Of course, it’s not as simple as that. Because your husband’s lack of desire to have sex is not really about hurting the baby. In fact, it may start with:

2. “I like to sleep alone so I make him sleep on the couch.”


You expect your husband to feel warm, amorous and affectionate towards you when you treat him like a slacker houseguest in his own home?

You say “he understands that”, but I certainly don’t.

Tell your husband how you feel, ask him how he feels and get on the same page about your sex life.

And until you start communicating like an adult couple, your sexual problems are likely to continue. Ask him how he feels sleeping on the couch. Does it make him feel closer to you? Does it make him resentful? Does it impede the spontaneity of sex, given that he’s in a different room? I think the answers will be revealing.

3. “I caught him masturbating to Girls Gone Wild and it hurt me.”

More magic from Google: “how often do married men masturbate?”

Says one study, “Of the 647 who replied, 84% said they had masturbated in the three last months. While this may seem high, it is in line with other sources.”

So, given that the vast majority of married men still masturbate, given that you make him sleep on the couch, given that he’s worried he’s going to stab the baby in the head with his monster penis, and given that you’re six months pregnant, it doesn’t seem to be much of a surprise that he’s taking matters into his own hands.

The real surprise? “Girls Gone Wild”. Seriously? A cheesy, late-90’s VHS with college girls drunkenly flashing the camera? THIS turns him on? All I can conclude is that you guys don’t have a high-speed internet connection, otherwise this is the most disturbing development of all.

Finally, Hannah, a non-snarky paragraph from the aforementioned Mayo Clinic. I think it will lend some perspective to how normal your predicament is:

“You can have sex as often as you like — but you might not always want to. At first, hormonal fluctuations, fatigue and nausea might sap your sexual desire. As your pregnancy progresses, weight gain, back pain and other symptoms might further dampen your enthusiasm for sex. Your emotions might take a toll on your sex drive, too.

Concerns about how pregnancy or the baby will change your relationship with your partner might weigh heavily on your mind — even while you’re eagerly anticipating the addition to your family. Fears about sexual activity harming the baby or anxiety about childbirth might team up to sap your sex drive. Changes in your self-image might play a role as well, especially as your pregnancy progresses.”

In other words, this is normal, normal, normal.

Tell your husband how you feel, ask him how he feels and get on the same page about your sex life.

Once you know his thoughts on sleeping on the couch, pregnancy sex, and Girls Gone Wild, you’ll be able to move past them together.

And really, try using Google. It’s pretty incredible.

Join our conversation (128 Comments).
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  1. 1

    And this is exactly why I’m never getting married and I’m scared of being in relationships… No offense, I love your posts Evan, but it hurts me to think of what men are capable of! Sure, maybe in this situation it’s (sort of) understandable, but really, why, if men have beautiful girlfriends and wives, do they masturbate to other women? I’m not saying they should think other women are ugly but why do they pay them SO much attention to them and hurt those who love them? I wish I could understand, but seriously knowing this only makes me more bitter towards men…

    1. 1.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ana: “What men are capable of?” You make masturbation sound like murder. It’s normal, it’s natural, and it doesn’t stop after marriage. If you choose to be offended by this and choose to make it hurtful, then that’s your decision. But it’s not. Not remotely. This blog is a reality check about how normal guys act; and if masturbation and porn is NORMAL for happily married men, then why get bent out of shape about it? The masturbation isn’t the problem in this story. It’s the fact that he’s probably not attracted to his pregnant wife (also somewhat normal) and the fact that she thinks it’s totally fair to make him sleep on the couch. (really, really not normal!)

      1. 1.1.1

        I’m a girl and masturbate often three times a day, i think it’s normal for both sexes. If he doesn’t fancy her that much because she’s pregnant… then he should buy her the best state of the art vibrator so she can get off too. only fair )

      2. 1.1.2

        Okay, first of all, regardless of how immature or young this girl’s question sounds, did you really need to be so condescending in your response to her?  There may be some extenuating circumstances and questionable behavior causing this couple’s issue, but that doesn’t change the fact that this girl’s husband is no longer interested in her sexually, and that hurts her.
        I, myself, have had to deal with my husband’s sex drive disappearing once I began sporting the “baby bump” during our first pregnancy.  Despite healthy communication about the issue, and multiple and passionate assurances that he still finds me attractive, it still hurts.  A lot.  A whole lot.  It has a negative effect on my self-esteem, my self-worth as a woman and a wife.  No amount of cuddling, loving assurances, or logic is going to stop a woman from feeling insecure about this issue.  When you respond negatively to this girl’s opening up about something that hurts her, you make it a hundred times worse.  No human being deserves disrespect.  Ever.
        Secondly, married men masturbating to porn is only considered “normal” and “common” because we live in a culture where adultery is also considered “normal” and “common.”  Half of all marriages end in divorce, because so few people approach marriage with an honest, loving, and pure heart.  My husband does not masturbate to porn.  He imagines scenarios with me, or looks at photos/videos we have made of me for him, specifically for that purpose.  It is unhealthy and adulterous for a man to masturbate to any other woman than his wife.  And, if the wife finds out, it is extremely hurtful.  “Oh, you would rather imagine making love to her, than me, while you pleasure yourself?  No, that doesn’t hurt my self-esteem at all, honey…”  You might as well be married to the other woman, rather than your wife.  Also, I can honestly say that ever since we began dating, I have never masturbated to any other man than my husband.  We have communicated about this, and he has assured me that the same is true from his point of view, with me.  (I can already imagine your answer to that — you’re going to tell me that he lied to me, right?  Because all men are incapable of having an honest and open and healthy relationship with their wives?)

        1. Sarah

          Amen, Sister.

        2. Victoria

          Agree with you Anne. He sounded more like a jerk to me.

        3. Deep thinker

          My advice is please take your time in finding a spouse and make sure he loves you more than you love him….

        4. J

          Hi, I just thought another male perspective might change some of the narrow thought streams on this thread.

          I think that it’s really sweet that you and your husband only have any kind of sexual gratification with each other or thinking about each other. But it is extremely narrow minded of you to expect every other couple to work the same way.

          I love my girlfriend more than anything else in the world, but I regularly watch porn. The reasons are simple.

          1. There is a huge difference in making love and just fucking. I make love to my girlfriend, the thought of making love to anyone else makes me feel sick to my stomach. Likewise, the thought of depravedly fucking her also makes me feel sick, but seeing others getting down and dirty turns me on. I don’t think that makes me a bad person.

          2.  I don’t find pornstars attractive at all. What I do find attractive is what they are doing in the video. And before you say I’m ‘objectifying’ these women, bear in mind that they enjoy it, and who are you to tell them that its wrong?

          3. My girlfriend also masturbates to porn. Doesn’t offend me in the slightest. I actually think it’s quite hot. You see, my girlfriend is bisexual and I am not arrogant enough to think that being with me satisfies all her sexual cravings. I would never demand she change her identity to be with me, so I encourage her to continue masturbating to women. I feel bad enough that she’ll never get to lay with females again (god knows its incredible)

          4. Sometimes its just more convenient. If I have had an extremely tiring day at work, the last thing I want to do is come home and spend hours pleasuring my partner (not exactly relaxing) but getting off is intensely relaxing. So whats the alternative? Spend a couple minutes jacking off and letting the worries of the day slip away. This also works the other way around and I completely understand her doing this. Sometimes we even do it together! Let me put it this way, if you’re dead tired and can’t fathom the energy to cook, do you just starve? No, you order takeaway. Doesn’t change how delicious the food in the fridge is.

          I am deeply offended that you would imply there being a correlation between masturbating to porn and cheating. It’s completely different! I do not in any way condone cheating, in any circumstance! I’ve been cheated on and it sucks. I would’ve much preferred my ex masturbated while we were away from each other than fuck someone else.

          While I’m here, the pregnancy thing. Chances are, it has nothing to do with finding you unattractive or being scared that we’ll hurt the baby. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s gross. The thought of having sex anywhere near my child is disgusting, let alone when my child is still inside the body I’m currently also in. It’s just wrong, especially when baby starts to show. That’s when dads start to picture fully formed baby. I NEVER want to poke my baby with my penis!

          I hope this has enlightened you on the terrible inner makings of the male psyche. Although I’d just like to reiterate that this is not a gender issue. It’s a personal preference issue. I’d also like to point out that I do not in any way think that finding porn unappealing is wrong. What’s wrong is judging people based on your opinion on the matter.

        5. curious

          3 questions for J

          1) would you still be ok if she masterbated to porn featuring men?

          2) have you ever considered having a MFF threesome with her and if yes, did you suggest it to her?

          3) i don’t understand this virgin-whore dichotomy in men. if she doesn’t like rough sex that’s one thing but i don’t get why men can’t bring themselves to have dirty sex with the woman they love if she is into it.

          that is all. 🙂

        6. Jocelyn

          I am 100% with you girl.!! Not all men are the same however they just need to be guided in the right path ,communicate with them and be  honest and with pure heart.be able to talk about anything and know very deeply your man, so you know what bothers him and what not, so like that you can help him in any of his needs…

      3. 1.1.3
        c-lee mann

        Married men masturbating is disrespectful. There is nothing ok or normal about that. If you have to look at other woman to get pleasure then why be married.

    2. 1.2

      Look I used to get so pissed at my boyfriends for masturbating when I was younger, now that I’m older and married I don’t have time to care, we have two children it’s hard enough to find time to ourselves especially  when one refuses to sleep in her own bed. Do we find time yes we do but really I’ve found that my husband gets really pissy when we haven’t been able to get it on in a while-so would I rather him do his thing in the bathroom and be his cheery self ABSOLUTELY! As long as our relationship with each other is fine and dandy and there isn’t any cheating involved were good.

  2. 3

    Right on Evan! I cannot imagine telling my man let alone husband to sleep on the couch. 

  3. 4

    To Ana @1:
    Masturbation is not only a male need, but it’s often a female need as well. Sex with my fiance is of course more pleasurable and intense, but it also requires a certain level of energy and a lot of time-consuming work to perform properly. Although we favor sex with one another, we are not giving up our right to self-pleasuring just because we’re in a relationship with one another.
    Self-pleasuring is a category of pleasure all by itself. It gives a quicker release of sexual energy build-up, and while it does not replace love-making, I see no reason to judge it negatively or worry about as long as it’s not out of control and part of a harmonious sex life with one’s partner. We all have the right to touch and pleasure one’s own body and we do not give it up because we are in a relationship. Furthermore it can actually be necessary when one or both partners have a higher sex drive than their life allows to accomodate.
    Now I can understand how someone with little need for and/or experience in self-pleasuring could be uncomfortable with this topic. Please educate yourself on masturbation, especially on the female side of things. It might help you understand a very natural and normal activity, for both men and women.

  4. 5

    I find it interesting that single folks without kids kind of get a stigma and yet, as evidenced by this post   and what I see around me, plenty of married women who are pregnant /have kids are in screwed up situations that I don’t envy. The questioner and her husband sound immature and weird. And why is someone that young married to an old man ( in relative terms )? 

  5. 6

    @ Evan
    I thought Ana @1 had a problem with masturbating to pornography, not masturbating itself.
    Are you equating something that is “common” with something that is “normal?” 
    Just because something has become commonplace in society, does that automatically make it “normal” or “appropriate?”
    If something is “normal” or “common” among people and does not stop after marriage, does that make it a healthy and appropriate behavior?
    What about in a relationship?  What if one partner has a problem with it, regardless of how a large segment of society feels about it because not liking pornography is not akin to murder either, and the other continues to do it?  Doesn’t that make it hurtful to the relationship?
    It’s not like we are talking about air, food, or water.  Pornography is not a biological imperative for a person or the species to survive…is it? :-7
    NOTE:  Before I take any flack, these are just some of the types of questions that I ponder sometimes when trying to decide where I come down on an issue, and I wonder if others do also.  (I have about a hundred more questions, but I decided to limit them to these ones for now.) They are not intended as a moral judgment on anyone.

    1. 6.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Cat5 – What exactly would a man be masturbating to, if not pornography? Thoughts of his beloved girlfriend, perhaps? Bwahahahahahaha! Pornography solely exists for men to masturbate. If he’s masturbating, it’s to pornography. I would think that the separation between men who masturbate and men who masturbate to porn is razor-thin, at best.

      If you have a problem with porn, and you have a problem with men masturbating to porn, you will have a problem with over 90% of the population. That’s your right, but it severely decreases your dating options. This is no different than the woman who wants to save herself for marriage or the man who wants a virgin. You’re entitled to your morals; just don’t be too surprised when you pass up a lot of good people who don’t measure up to your lofty (and somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish) standards.

      “Guys jerk off to porn” is not exactly earthshattering news.

      1. 6.1.1

        Before porn was readily available, men created “porn” in our heads. Just imagine what a “Barbara Billingsley” (“June Cleaver”) or a “Harriet Nelson” or an “Annette Funicello” looked stripped nekkid. That name “Cleaver” sounded so much like “cleavage” or “cleft” that it stirred up images in its own.

        Back in antiquity, the girls at school were required to wear skirts, so they all wore them at the minimum length that they could get away with. Coming up the stairs, you “had to” look up to see where you were going, so girls coming down gave glimpses of bare thighs (hose were not allowed, only bobby sox or knee socks). A rare panty flash was a real treat. Ohhh!

        Back when I was a kid there wasn’t any need to jackoff. It jacked itself off often enough. No one would ever admit to masturbating. It was a taunt to hurl at one another as an insult. If anyone was found out to be a master baiter, he would be harassed, called a “jerkoff,” a “queer,” “faggot” or a “fag.”

        Actual porn was something that somebody’s uncle had. One page stolen might make the rounds. The kid who had a porno magazine photo of a naked woman could get a dime or quarter to see it. No one knew where such a treasure came from; whoever sold them wouldn’t sell them to just anyone, certainly not to a minor.

        In the late ’50s Playboy was becoming more available, though it apparently was sold only “under the counter” or by plain-wrapper mail subscription. The first one I ever saw was in an uncle’s attic. (Those uncles!) His son, my cousin, had discovered them. They only had pictures of breasts and butts, butt that was better than nothing, though most of us had seen our mothers’ or sisters’ breasts or butts on occasion.

        Since master baiting was so shameful, all this mental stimulation was to incite wet dreams. Sometimes it went off on its own during the day. You’d feel the throbbing, ask to go to the bathroom and hope to get there before you “polluted” your underpants. If the vibration of the diesel of the school bus set it off, at least you’d be home soon.

  6. 7

    @Ana – First off, wake up.. women masturbate to pornography as well, I have since I was 11.. second, that does not mean there is anything wrong with me, it means that I have a normal healthy sex drive. And quite frankly I am insulted by your insinuation that there is something wrong with that. I am certainly not a bad girlfriend because when I’m horny and my boyfriend is working I choose to masturbate to images of people having sex. We’re visual creatures. It doesn’t mean someone cares less about you at all! In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. (The exception being if your partner won’t sleep with you and will only watch porn – that’s bad) After reading your post though I think maybe it would benefit you to try and understand other people’s perspectives more, maybe get a book or two on the subject or ask a few friends their ideas. I don’t think that seeking a professional opinion would be a bad idea. It sounds like you’re missing out on a lot because of a HUGE misconception.

  7. 8

    Evan is right. What we actually got a kick out of was that he was caught masturbating to “Girls Gone Wild” which ISN’T porn. It’s bad comedy for 11 yr.olds ……lol
    Believe us when we say all men know where to find porn and we do find and watch it. for the 5% of women that don’t understand it or accept it. Too bad. Go read 50 Shades of words or some other fictional delusional “mommy porn”.

    1. 8.1

      Many women can’t stand it that men are turned on by sight more than by words. Women’s porn is mostly words. The “mommy porn” lines the store checkout lanes in plain view.

  8. 9
    Girl in the Midwest

    @Ana at #1:
    When I was with my first serious boyfriend I found out that pretty much all guys masturbate to porn.  I was pretty horrified, so I kind of understand you.  I was depressed because:
    1.  I thought it meant that I wasn’t good enough for him — I wasn’t hot enough.  Obviously I can’t compare with the girls who had perfect boobs and perfect body and every errant hair removed. 
    2.  It was kind of a selfish act, in my opinion at the time.  He was off getting pleasure from other women.  It felt like a betrayal, in a way.  His reply was, “you could watch porn too you know and just pleasure yourself.”  My response was, “but I don’t have such a strong desire as you to masturbate to strangers, especially if we’re having sex pretty regularly.  Even if the men or the sex depicted are hot they don’t do much for me as long as I have no emotional connection to them.”
    But now, at the age of 28, I wouldn’t mind if my boyfriend masturbated to porn as long as it didn’t disrupt our life (our sex life, his work, his relationships with his family and friends etc).  If his porn habits were damaging our sex life, I would have a talk with him.  But if he has an addiction then I would definitely want him to get help.  I guess I’m saying I understand what Ana is saying but perhaps with some time you will feel better about this…

  9. 10

    @Cat5 #7 – I kind of see what you’re saying sort of.. Let’s say hypothetically, a girl doesn’t like porn, she thinks it degrades women, but she wants to have an open honest relationship with her man and doesn’t want him watching porn. This could work theoretically, but the cost will be a satisfying relationship. There ARE men with LOW sex drives, who DON’T watch porn because they rarely masturbate. Personally, if a guy I was dating said he didn’t watch porn I would leave him. For two reasons, either he is a liar or the sex is going to blow. But in a theoretical world where what you want most in a man is some preconceived notion of respect, then you may find a guy who doesn’t like porn, but there will be sacrifices and you may find yourself wishing he actually liked sex.

  10. 11

    Yeah, if it were me with the sleeping alone preference, *I* would volunteer – no, insist – that I be the one to sleep on the couch.  To me, that is taking responsibility for your preference, and not just making someone else pay for it.  Granted, I can sleep just about anywhere as long as it’s dark and quiet.  Well, maybe just dark– I’ve since adjusted to my boyfriend’s occasional snoring, because I found that despite that I tend to fall asleep faster and feel more rested in the morning with him next to me. 
    I do get a sense that Hannah here is really asking for more assurance from her husband, which I think is what the real issue here is, though I completely agree that making him to sleep on the couch flies in the face of that request.  It also appears that her husband is asking for reassurance himself by crawling into bed with her.  To me that’s kinda sad. 
    And with a baby on the way, I think Hannah and her husband need to iron out this issue before the baby is born rather than shelving it for after.  More often than not, newborns add huge stress and make unresolved problems worse, not better.  If Hannah doesn’t feel close to and loved enough by her husband, then the huge expectations and isolation that a lot of moms often feel after a new baby is only going to make that feeling worse.  It’s also not clear if Hannah and her husband aren’t anticipating having to kiss their sleep goodbye for the first few months anyway– where the couch might start to look really, really comfy after all and damn whoever is supposed to be sleeping there.  I admit, I say all this based on observation and reports from a few of my friends, who have had their first children within the last year or so.  Nonetheless, I was able to determine that these profound effects on couples to be pretty much par for the course after looking it up on – wait for it – Google.
    Although I wonder if since her husband is seeing her more in a maternal light, if that “mom” perception isn’t short-circuiting his sexual feelings towards her.  How often this might happen with fathers-to-be I can only guess.

  11. 12
    Karl S

    Men are very visual creatures and we like to see images or footage of naked people and sex when we’re amorous. Women obviously don’t require the literal thing in front of them, but surely they let their imaginations run wild too and don’t just fantasize about their partner. That’s the only difference. Men like to see it.

  12. 13

    Evan @ 8 – was this statement “who don’t measure up to your lofty (and somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish) standards” directed at me personally, or the collective “you?”  Because if it was directed at me, I submit that you have no idea what my standards are, as you obviously missed my point (and failed to read the note at the bottom of my post).
    As an individual, and a society, I think it is important that we stop and ask ourselves, about many, many different types of behaviors, whether just because 90% of the people are doing it…does that make it okay?  Is it right? Is it healthy?  Am I a lemming falling off the cliff with everyone else? Can I think independently, ask important questions, and arrive at an answer that may or may not be popular?  Can I stand up and ask the question about what is the right thing knowing I may be called “somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish” even if no one has any idea where I stand on the subject at hand?  Of course, the answer for me is yes…I can.  I am hoping that is the answer for you also Evan.
    For example, I’m still taking flack over how I voted in the 2012 Presidential election, even though no one knows how I voted  — they have all assumed how I voted based on the questions I asked before the election or where I stand on certain issues.  Surprisingly to them (not to me), they have all assumed wrong.
    That is what I was doing with my post…asking questions…gathering information, and not just assuming that the Hannah or Ana is a prude or unreasonable for their feelings on the subject of masterbation and pornography. 
    And for the record, Evan –  what is wrong with setting a high standard in one’s life?  I suppose it’s a problem if applied only to others, but not if person applies it to themselves, as well as others.  Why would you ridicule a person having a high standard?  I would submit that you set high standards for yourself – both professionally and personally.  Would you like it if someone ridiculed your standards as “lofty (and somewhat unreasonable, ridiculous, Pollyannaish)” because the two of you disagreed on a subject?
    Disclaimer:  All comments made in this post, and any other post I have made, are purely for discussion purposes only.  They do not reflect my feelings on any subject.  They are questions for the purposes of gathering information.  They are not intended as a judgment on any person, unless expressly stated.

    1. 13.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Cat5 – I’ll take the bait.

      It’s not “high standards” to insist that your partner never masturbate, never be attracted to other women, never talk to other women, never be friends with ex’s, never save pictures of his ex’s, or any such thing. It’s unrealistic, based on how many normal, healthy, loving, relationship-oriented men act.

      If you think that if only a man really loved you he would cease any of the above activities, you are, in fact unreasonable, ridiculous and Pollyanaish.

      Of course, my response to you is purely for discussion purposes, and does not reflect my feelings on the subject. I’m just reporting what millions of millions of other men and women have already noticed. I personally find married men who masturbate appalling.

  13. 14

    It will never cease to amaze me that it’s 2013 and yet adults still have this weird moral dilemma when it comes to masturbation. I’m going to give Hannah the benefit of the doubt & assume she asks her husband to sleep on the couch because she’s uncomfortable finding a good sleeping position as she progresses in her pregnancy & maybe they don’t have a large bed. Maybe, being generous, he volunteered to take the couch. 
    From my own experience with pregnancy, some of the best sex I ever had with my husband was while I was pregnant…even when I was  extremely pregnant and about to burst. Granted, it can require some innovation, but it’s totally doable, pleasurable, and safe. I’ve also known many men who find the pregnant body extremely erotic.
    As Evan said, this sounds like a case of lack of education and maturity. But to Hannah & other posters who continue to think the “common” act of masturbation may not be “normal” and instead view it as a deviance that men should morally rise above….Newsflash: men do it, women do it, probably the birds & bees do it. It’s YOUR body and you get to say what pleasures it. If you’re offended that your partner likes to pleasure himself: that’s your insecurity with your own sexuality talking. An active adult sex life, including masturbation, is healthy at any age, with or without a partner.
    As a young mother, I remember asking my daughter’s pediatrician (a woman) if it was normal for my young daughter to be asking me questions about touching herself (and liking it!) & how I should respond. The pediatrician — god love her — laughed & told me, “Oh, how I wish more parents understood this: sex is healthy and normal. Tell her she should explore her body (in private) whatever way she wants.” I think that message was as helpful to me as much as it was to my daughter.
    If you were raised to believe that arousing yourself was a sin — or at least not something you admit to or talk about — then, yea, you have to re-educate yourself. Trust me, you are not alone. Along with Google there are thousands of books, websites, classes and workshops dedicated to healthy female, male & couple sexuality. There is no excuse for ignorance; in fact, without it, I don’t see how a young couple will make a happy life for themselves or raise a happy child with good self-esteem and self-acceptance.
    And for the record — woman, as well as men, enjoy being visually stimulated when masturbating. (And please — 50 Shades of Grey is not fine female erotica — I would put it on the same scale as Girls Gone Wild.) Women also enjoy looking at or fantasizing about people other than our partner when masturbating. That’s why it’s called fantasizing.

  14. 15

    Some women need to relax about the porn. Yes, the women look “perfect,” all thin and hairless! But that wasn’t the case with all porn produced in the past. Look at older porn and everyone is hairy and flabby! Definitely not “perfect” by today’s standards.
    But there are things WOMEN can LEARN from porn, too. The first would be that men — their men, real life men — don’t expect their women to look like the porn stars. They just like naked ladies. And they like to see them live, in pictures or on film. They probably like seeing you naked, too.
    Secondly, women can learn some other options for sex. Treat it like an instructional video on what you can do to your man and what HE can do to do. Because yes, good men will want to please you, too. If he doesn’t then you have bigger issues than his watching porn. 

  15. 16
    Heather K

    I want to weigh in on the porn and masturbating issue.  Evan made a comment in comment number 8 that men who masturbate masturbate to porn and that porn exists for men to masturbate.  Porn may exist for men to masturbate but not every man masturbates to porn.  Maybe these days more men masturbate to porn than to other experiences because porn is more readily available than it even was twenty years ago or ten years ago, but there are still men who for whatever reason don’t masturbate to porn.  (Men might not masturbate to porn because they prefer to masturbate to live sex shows, or live people, or fantasies in their head about their third grade teacher, or they just don’t watch porn for religious/moral reasons, etc, etc.)
    I think the main problem with porn and possibly what some women might be finding offensive is when porn takes over someone’s sexuality and sexual life.  Porn or any fantasies are perfectly acceptable to have and masturbate to as long as they are not distracting anyone from reality and from their real life relationships with their partners.  Some women might find the whole ‘deal with it, men watch porn and masturbate to it’ line a little tiresome these days because a lot of women are told that they should tolerate some men’s sex life transitioning away from real sex with their partner to having their men have a self-sexual life involving some images on a computer.  Maybe this is ‘normal’ as in there is a very high percentage of men these days who do replace some of the time they would spend with their partner with self-sexual porn experiences, but it doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone.
    As far as the specific letter written by Hannah, I am not sure I understand the couch issue.  By the way it’s written in the letter, it doesn’t sound like the husband sleeping on the couch was a democratic decision, but without knowing more I am not sure what to say about it.  And as far as pregnant sex – I, myself, am pregnant right now and it is possible to have sex while pregnant.  Yes, there are some days where I worry that I’m going to hurt the baby and maybe that makes sex not as adventurous as it was before pregnancy and there might be certain positions I feel more comfortable with some days.  But overall it is possible to have a regular sex life and still have sex several times a week while pregnant.  It can even be fun in certain ways. 
    And I also agree with Cat5 in comment number 7 that it’s possible to question any societal trend.  It’s always okay to ask questions and it does not mean that one is judgmental – it means that one is observing reality with a mindful eye.

    1. 16.1

      Sex during pregnancy is great if for no other reason than the woman isn’t worrying about getting pregnant! Either she wants to be pregnant and is worried that she won’t, or won’t soon enough, or she doesn’t want to be pregnant and is worried that that she will get pregnant
      But once she’s pregnant, she is. Enjoy no periods and not worrying about getting or not getting pregnant for the next eight months.

  16. 17

    If I was married, I’d be worried if my husband wasn’t watching porn.

  17. 18

    Hannah I feel for you, you are not alone.   Wow what a flashback to 1998…I was the horniest EVER in my life when I was pregnant, I mean craving intimacy all the time, and my husband wouldn’t lay a hand on me, hold me, cuddle me, let alone have sex with me.  He was either grossed out, scared, who knows. So I masturbated my way through the entire pregnancy, and had the most powerful, easily obtained orgasms (maybe due to increased bloodflow down there???).  As a side note, my A cup bra went to a C cup, nope no interest in touching those either!  Talk did not help – NO adult discussion sunk in, he wouldn’t get near me, I felt like a leper.  In 2000 I got pregnant again (LOL from makeup sex when I asked for a divorce – for several reasons, sex was a side issue).   It was a complete repeat of the first pregnancy.   Yes, I wanted sex every day and got none.  After giving birth I remained at a sexual heightened state of wanting.  The lack of intimacy continued on its course after the birth of kids, we had sex about once a year until we divorced.  The counselor said he probably viewed me as a “mother figure” and his desire tanked.  Whatever! 
    Hannah, nip it in the bud if the lack of sex continues, don’t go down the same path as I did.   There is so much professional help out there.  I am close to 50 with two teens & on the on-line dating scene, its not easy!  Not the way I pictured my life at this point.
    Granted every woman is different, but guys reading this, take care of your bride’s needs when she is pregnant, if she feels horny and sexy! Emotions are on overdrive, she can’t help it, its part of the pregnancy.  And touch her already if she is normally flat chested and finally has a rack 🙂  She is not a fragile china doll that will break! Evan stated the facts above !

  18. 19

    @ Ana #1,
    Get a bunch of cats.  Life is much easier. 😀

  19. 20

    Hannah, Insist he goes to your next doctor or nurse appointment and ask right in front of him, can my husband hurt the baby by having intercourse with me?
    Please explain why, doc.
    Then he will hear it…  
    Hopefully he will embrace you after that..  

  20. 21

    I wish all the women would realize that all men don’t like porn where the women look “perfect,” all thin and hairless” with fake boobs etc…..
    Many men like a wide variety of porn/types of women and a lot enjoy the exact opposite where the woman are natural, average looking/weight, and have plenty of hair. On any porn site there are 100 categories to choose from that run the gamut of variety. I would even say that many times I find myself maturbating to women that are LESS attractive than the one I may be currently dating. Why? Because I like variety and even though I only date one woman at a time it’s nice to be able to have something different on the side.

  21. 22

    Wow!!!  Whta a lot of judgment and vitriol being thrown around because of differing viewpoints.  It would be nice to have a conversation without it getting so personal.
    Again, I said in my first post, I don’t think the problem was masterbating (a for the record I know it is a normal human behavior), it is the pornorgraphy.
    For those who see no problem with pornography or think it should be used as an educational tool, and are never conflicted about it, let me say two things:
    1.  Then you should have no problem with your child, when they are an adult, going into the porn industry and will, in fact, recommend his or her movies to your friends and brag about them being double penetrated in the movie, and how in their next feature film he or she will be triple penetrated.  I await the announcement for how proud you are of him or her and that is what you always wanted for him or her from the day he or she was born.
    Oh, and how grateful you were that his or her high school offered PornStar 101 Taking it Deep as a mandatory class in high school.
    2.  Tell me how you feel after you have had to help pull a loved one out of the porn industry…drug addicted, and diseased.  It is not as much fun as you might imagine, and as painful as hell.
    To act as if pornography is a harmless and normal thing because it has become common, is like saying that alcohol and drugs have never caused a problem in anyone’s life.  I never said I was for it or against, but I am not so arrogant as to believe it is not causing a big problem in the world, nor am I so arrogant that I am not conflicted about how to handle it.  I’m also not arrogant enough to believe I have all the answers.
    But I am smart enough, and humble enough to ask questions.  I hope that more people can become smarter and more humble and start asking questions, and not just jump on the bandwagon because it is easy and what everyone else is doing, i.e., the path of least resistance.
    But, back to my original question, I was trying to ask a question about how his masterbating to porn is causing a problem in the relationship, and what could be done that takes into account both of their feelings on the subject.
    All I’ve been able to discern from this discussion is that she is being ridiculous and prudish, and he should just ignore her and jack off all day!
    Thanks.  Got it!  :-7
    (For the record… “:-7” apparently means tongue in check…and the pun is entirely intended!)  😀

  22. 23

    Ok, wait, she doesn’t say WHY she makes him sleep on the couch, and I think you’re jumping to conclusions and being a bit hard on her here, Evan.  What if she’s a REALLY light sleeper and is having a hard time with that during her pregnancy?  Being sleep-deprived is NO FUN and honestly, if she needs a break from sleeping with someone while she’s pregnant, she should be able to ask for that.  (Communication, of course, is key). 
    As a light sleeper myself I have to admit I don’t see this societal pressure on people to share beds.  You can still share snuggles and whoopie-time without sleeping in the same bed.  Honestly, if and when I ever shack up with a guy, I’m dreading the adjustment – I can’t sleep through the night when I have another human in the same bed with me!

    1. 23.1

      There is nothing wrong with sleeping in separate beds, or even separate rooms. It doesn’t have to mean that you don’t like one another.
      As you get older there is likely more snoring, farting, tossing and turning. This can really disrupt the other person’s sleep cycles.
      Sleeping together is really nice if the abovementioned negatives don’t happen. Unfortunately we have heavy indoctrination that if you don’t sleep in the same bed you are falling out of love.
      The idea that sex has to be all romantical all the time is another indoctrinated idea that causes much trouble between husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. Sexual intercourse is not only an emotional need; it is good for you physiologically. If you are really well adjusted to yourself and to your partner, you can have sex with him/her just to relieve tension. Couples who are committed to one another ought to be at one another’s disposal at all reasonable times. Occasional extended lovemaking sessions are good but so are quickies. A quickie in the morning just before going to work helps put both in a positive mood. A quickie just before going to sleep improves the night’s sleep. Extended lovemaking can be scheduled for days off when you have plenty of time to spare.
      Women, please don’t insist on settling disagreements before sex. Sex while you’re upset or even angry reassures him that you are fond of him despite his being less than perfect. Twice is even more reassuring to his little easily bruised male psyche. If you have quick sex just before going to sleep, the disagreement may recede in importance by the time you wake up in the morning.
      And he may be more inclined to agree that you’re right, after all!

  23. 24

    Does anyone else find it ironic that a large percentage of women cannot have an orgasm via intercourse – a fact that makes us as men have to put our ego aside.  But there are some women (some of whom cannot orgasm via intercourse) who are offended that their men jerk off to porn every once in a while…

    1. 24.1

      A large portion of women are unable to climax at all. That doesn’t have to mean that intercourse can’t be enjoyable. The closeness, warmth and the satisfaction from providing her man with pleasure can be fulfilling to a woman who is devoted to her man.
      Women have no physiological (got to use that eddicated-sounding word again!) need for orgasm. It serves no function. It seems to be for nothing but pleasure. Various theories as to what function in reproduction is served by female orgasm are around. Probably the most persistent is the “upsuck” idea: that female orgasm causes her uterus to suck semen through the cervix, aiding insemination. Just the opposite is true: female orgasm tends to push semen out of her vagina, not draw it in. Then, spermatozoa-carrying seminal fluid does not pass through the cervix. The sperms themselves swim through the cervix if it is open, moving through the mucuses provided by glands in the walls of the cervical os.
      The male orgasm, on the other hand, is nearly essential to insemination. Proper blending of the several seminal fluids from the semen tubes from the testicles, from the seminal vesicles and from the prostate requires a sudden rush of the fluids into the urethra, where they mix as they are ejected. Semen that just dribbles into the vagina is much less likely to get the sperms to the opening of the cervix, where they are attracted to swim on through the os and into the uterus.
      Nothing wrong with the woman having an orgasm. It’s just that it’s not essential to reproduction or to the woman’s sexual fulfillment. It can become an addiction if the woman falls for the “Cosmo” propaganda that “no orgasm, no fun.” Women, your vagina is very useful for “addicting” your man to you. Be his ready source of sexual pleasure and other women and porn won’t lure him. For men, bad sex is still pretty good. Keep yourself in good shape and groomed to maintain his interest in you. Unless he has had some experience or misinformation, your swelling belly and breasts won’t bother him a bit. Your vagina is just as useful to him during labor as before pregnancy. Semen even kicks off labor; I know!

      1. 24.1.1

        “A large portion of women are unable to climax at all. That doesn’t have to mean that intercourse can’t be enjoyable.”

        stop speaking for women and stop spreading this lie. women have been putting up with lousy sex for eons because selfish and lazy men have been trying to convince us that we don’t need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. if we don’t need to then you don’t need to either (unless you’re trying to get pregnant) see how that goes over with your fellow Neanderthals.

  24. 25

    Zann beat me to it–I was gonna say that maybe she feels it’s hard to sleep with him in their bed when she’s way knocked up.  If not, this guy is a total doormat.

  25. 26

    There have been a few comments about how guys like the porn chicks with perfect bods and hairless.  Now I know some women dont have the time to work out or didn’t hit the genetic lottery with slim figures, BUT there is no reason why any woman cant be hairless. I understand that maybe a perfect body of a 25 year old porn star cant be replicated by the average woman. But the hairless part can certainly be. As a matter of fact on porn sites, there are categories you can choose from. And hairless is one of them. So ladies, if you feel you cant measure up to the porn queens in the physique department, you certainly can measure up in the grooming department. And that goes a long way.

    1. 26.1

      Many porn performers remove all hair from their pubic areas to make it easier to keep clean. It also shows off the details to the camera’s eye, and makes the men’s penises appear longer by not having a thick bush that is an inch thick to conceal part of the shaft.
      Many men are more excited by women’s vulvas that resemble prepubescent girls’ hairless genitals. That doesn’t mean that they want to rape little girls; only that the idea of having sex with young girls turns them on.

  26. 27

    John 28
    Your comment reminds me of a couple of guys who on the FIRST date with me state their expectation/demand that I be hairless. ( Excluding my mane of hair on my head) Didn’t learn much about these unsophisticated guys cause I excused my self and walked out but I expect their life revolved around porn.
    Don’t know about the other women on here John but I don’t aspire to measure up to a porn star.  

    1. 27.1

      I used to have a girlfriend who had a beautiful thick, fluffy dark brunet pubic bush. It went clear to the top of her pubic area in the classic triangle. The only trimming was a little around her vagina to prevent any hair getting pulled in with thrusts. Even her perineum was well covered.
      That wasn’t nearly all I liked about her. She was a real sweet girl, great to go out and do things with. Her pubic hair was just an extra treat.

  27. 28

    I never had a problem with my husband masturbating to porn. Partly because I probably masturbate to porn more than he does =p There are  things that turn people on that they just won’t do in real life, and porn and masturbation cater to that. I love masturbating to extreme BSDM clips, for instance, but I’m never going to engage in it. My risk tolerance isn’t that high. My husband probably masturbates to threesome porn or some other shit, but as long as it’s not child pornography, I don’t care. 
    What I may (I say may because I’m almost over it) have a problem with is that he enjoys watching porn WHILE we’re having sex. Not all the time, not even most of the time, but he asks for it every now and then. Now if I allowed him to video tape us while we’re having sex (which I won’t), and then watch that tape while we’re having sex, then he doesn’t need the porn. So, I’m thinking he really just gets off on seeing some action while we’re having sex. It just bothered me at first because I was like hello… you’re having sex with me NOW. Why the heck do you want to watch something else???
    But like I said, I’m almost over it. Energy’s too precious to waste overthinking it haha 🙂

    1. 28.1

      Just remember that “child porn” isn’t what your image of it is. It’s anything that has prurient appeal and involves anyone who has not had their 18th birthday. Age of consent isn’t connected with age of porn. In one state it may be legal to fuck a 16 year old; the feds and state child-porn police don’t care. You can fuck her all you both want, but you’d better not video her or photograph her naked or in sexy poses. Go to Germany and you can fuck 14 year olds legally under German law but the US feds had better not find out.

  28. 29

    Kathleen #29
    Whoa I dont think there is a comparison to what I am saying VS the dates you had with those guys. I took it from the tone of the letter and from some comments, that some women are intimidated by what the girls of porn do for their men. And so I was just saying that the hairless part is definitely one of the attractions of those girls. And so any woman can compete with that. If you dont aspire to be like a pron star then so be it. But if I was in a relationship and not a first date situation and the girl why I liked porn, the hairless part would be one of the freasons why. How you took that and made it about you is beyond me. If this blog caters to women as to the male thought process, then I dont see how bringing up the hairless thing offends you. Most guys like that and since that is a hallmark of porn nowadays and the topic was about porn, I didnt see any harm.

  29. 30

    Cat5 # 25
    I see where you’re coming from, and yes, I’m conflicted about it. To your question, yes, I won’t be okay with my kids going into the porn industry, even though I enjoy porn. But I think (and yes, this is me thinking out loud, my opinions regarding this topic’s still being formed) it’s because I don’t want them to be stigmatized by society, and not because I have anything against it per se. The same way that if I had a choice, I’d rather not have a kid who’s gay, not because I’m homophobic — far from it, I hate bigotry of any sort — but because he or she has a higher chance of being bullied and discriminated against. 

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