I’m Taking My Boyfriend to a Strip Club But I Hate That He Likes It.


As a woman going through some much desired transformation, I am taking my boyfriend to strip club to celebrate his b-day (because I know he likes ’em). I would LOOOOVE to be the girl who doesn’t mind, but the images are stamped into my memories, and my heart hurts.

Please help me accept the human nature that is “men.”


Dear Juliette,

Contrary to what many of our readers might think, you’re taking a very evolved stance and I want to congratulate you for it.

Relationships are about doing things for our partners that make THEM happy, not just doing what feels best for us. Holding the girlfriend’s purse when she’s shopping for perfume? That’s for her. Spending $350 on a meal because we’re hanging out with her wealthy friends? That’s for her, too. Calling her at the end of the night when I just want to go to sleep? That’s for her. It makes her happy, it makes her feel connected, and it keeps our bond strong, and that’s what I’ve got to do to make my relationship work. Believe me, I’m not complaining. I get a LOT out of my partnership and my girlfriend makes all sorts of sacrifices for me. I know it, I appreciate it, and I never fail to express how lucky I am.

You might be thinking, “Yeah, that’s all well and good, Evan. But holding your girlfriend’s bag in Bloomie’s is not a real sacrifice. Juliette is talking about ANOTHER WOMAN RUBBING HERSELF ON HER BOYFRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. How could you even compare the two?”

Oh, but I can. For one simple reason:

Neither of the two acts means anything. Now, I could CHOOSE to feel emasculated when I take my girlfriend shopping. I could CHOOSE to feel like a loser when I stay home on girls’ night out. I could CHOOSE to feel like the third wheel when my girlfriend is telling inside jokes to her best friend and I’m standing there like a bump on a log. But I don’t. Because it doesn’t MEAN anything about our relationship.

For the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies.

And that’s what any woman who is threatened by a stripper has to get. Strip clubs don’t turn us on. They make us giggle.

Now, if you ever went out with some guy who blew his paycheck at Crazy Horse or left you for a woman named Sierra and her six inch heels, feel free to ignore my advice. But for the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies. We get to gawk and point and laugh and drink and bond with our friends before reality sets in and we go home a few hundred dollars lighter….

Forbidding this behavior is very shortsighted and very dangerous. In fact, forbidding desire is almost always a losing proposition, as losing as forbidding drugs or alcohol or cigarettes or religion. So the real question becomes, not “how do I make my boyfriend stop liking other attractive naked women”, but “how do I channel this male lust into a form that is out in the open and condoned?” And I’ll tell ya, Juliette, taking him to a strip club is a pretty good way.

It shows him you’re not jealous. It shows him you’re not threatened. It shows him you’re in control of your emotions. It shows you’re interested in his pleasure, rather than in neutering him and making him pretend he doesn’t find other women attractive. I just don’t seem to see the downside here.

Ah, but there is one: it HURTS you. I get that, and I’m not just gonna suggest that if you snap your fingers, it’s going to go away. I think it’s a matter of bringing a certain awareness to the matter that can somewhat temper the pain you feel as you watch your boyfriend and his shit-eating grin. It’s a matter of knowing that anything you’re witnessing doesn’t mean he loves you less. It means he appreciates you more. I can’t overestimate how important this is. Which is why any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You! Well, thanks, sweetie! I feel GREAT about our relationship now!

Any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You!

As a guy who has never cheated, and hasn’t been to a strip club in years, I can tell you that if forbidding it is the worst thing you can do, allowing it is the best thing you can do. (Oh, and by the way, if it hurts so bad, you don’t have to bring him to the strip club. Just let him go once in awhile without drama.) And if, in the most unfathomable circumstances, he runs off with Sierra and her heels, well, you should probably consider yourself lucky to be rid of him.

In the meantime, you can make him realize how lucky he is to have you.

Join our conversation (79 Comments).
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  1. 21

    Don’t ignore your feelings. His desire to get a charge out of naked women other than yourself is not more important than your feelings. And your feelings don’t seem to be coming from a place of control or jealousy — you said you feel hurt, which is different from being threatened or jealous. I question a guy who still wants to do something in full realization that it HURTS you, and I also don’t agree with the “just get over it” message in some of these posts, no matter how understanding the tone. I would urge you to pay more attention to how YOU feel than to how he feels — both are important, but you only have charge over your feelings and your life. You have to decide what kind of sexual relationship YOU want and what types of sexual expression, behaviors, attitudes, ideas, etc. that YOU feel comfortable with. Could be you two aren’t on the same page in that regard. There are plenty of guys who don’t consume what the sex trades offer — so you don’t have to stay with someone whose interests make you feel bad, you can find a more compatible partner — and there are plenty of women who would be happy to go with him or who wouldn’t care that he goes by himself or with the guys. Maybe if he knew the extent of your discomfort he would decide that he’d rather do something else for his birthday–something that makes the both of you feel good and sexy. 🙂

  2. 22

    Brilliant advice and support from Evan and Evan’s Girlfriend, Sally & others.

    I was once in a long term relationship when my boyfriend went to a strip club in vegas, during one of *our* friend’s bachelor party weekend. My boyfriend actually did not tell me about the strip club because he felt guilty! I found out about it weeks later when the bride-to-be mentioned it casually, in a joking way. Better for all of the fantasies and planned strip club outings to be discussed as a couple; all the better to have no guilt and no secrets.

  3. 23

    I agree with Damie. If it doesn’t make you feel good about doing it, I wouldn’t go if I was the dame.

    Tell the guy you’ll fix him up with Rosie Palmer.

    Better yet, tell him you’re going to a Chippendale’s bachelorette party and ask him if you can borrow a few of his condoms so you don’t get pregnant.

    See how he reacts to that.

  4. 24

    steve, that is awesome advice. it’s a Lotta foot work though’you actuaLLy dO this??
    .ok. i’LL try it


    Yes it can be a lot of work. I only do all of that if I am stuck in a situation where I can’t get a handle on my emotions.

    FWIW, it is called REBT, invented by Dr. Albert Ellis, the psychologist who invented cognitive therapy… which has been clinically proven to be more effective than medication in many situations. In everyday life REBT is a very effective way for people to change their emotions and behaviors.

    If anyone is interested this concise but well written article is the best overview of REBT I have ever found:


  5. 25

    I’ve been to my share of strip clubs and–surprise surpise!– I don’t much care for them. They’re usually a special occasion deal for me, like for bachelor and birthday parties. This’ll sound weird, but I think it’s a really poor entertainment value. Hundreds of bucks for lap dances and $8 Bud Lights? Lame. I’d much rather hit regular clubs, dance with real chicks, and take one home. Cheaper.

    I’ve gone to strip joints with several gf’s and they’ve never minded…in fact, most of them loved it. They usually get fawned over by the strippers and enjoy the attention. I find it really unusual when girls express discomfort at the thought of their bf’s going to a strip joint. I mean, what’s the big deal? Dancing naked chicks. Chicks grinding on your jock. Seems pretty innocuous to me.

  6. 26

    I can understand that the guys on this board don’t have a problem with stip joints and that you don’t understand WHY some women have a problem with it. But the point is, Juliette has a problem with it– she doesn’t feel good about it. She can jump through all sorts of hoops to try to change the way she feels about it — but maybe there is more behind her feelings than just some cognitive dissonance. If a woman doesn’t want to be with a guy who participates in the sex trades, she doesn’t have to. Just because a lot of people “think” it’s the norm doesn’t mean it is, and it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. And I’m not saying that it isn’t normal or healthy, either — there is quite a bit of debate about it, actually, among mental health professionals, religious thinkers, and people from other cultures who don’t condone the “American” view of easy sex. Juliette seems to think the problem lies with her, which makes me feel very sad. It’s really not a simple issue, and there is certainly nothing wrong with a woman who doesn’t feel comfortable with her boyfriend’s sexual choices. And, as someone pointed out, there doesn’t seem to be the female equivalent to the sex club for men — male strip joints just aren’t the same. It would have to be a situation that strikes more at men’s gender insecurities — to be stereotypical: maybe if Juliette were really into the trappings of material success and went on and on about how much money some guy she knows makes, and how he buys his girlfriend expensive things, and lives in a great big house with a pool, and drives a super-expensive car. And that every time some rich guy walks by she checks him out and maybe wishes inside that she were with a richer guy and wonders what it would be like to be with someone like that. Maybe that would get the point across. Or not. 🙂

    1. 26.1

      That’s exactly what I think as well. There is no female equivalent. A naked male stripper rubbing his junk on me is not amazingly arousing. It’s purely ridiculous and funny. Most girls feel that way.

      The REAL equivalence is this: if lapdances are so innocuous and all in good fun, my bf would be fine with me being a stripper and grinding on clients in nothing but a g-string. It’s not cheating if it’s not f%cking right? (read: facetiously). If he’s okay with getting a lapdance by a stranger then he should be okay with me giving lapdances to strangers. It’s an exchange of goods and services where no one is cheating right?

      Would any stripclub-going men be okay with their girlfriends being strippers? A lapdance for a guy is fun and harmless. A stripper girlfriend giving lapdances… would give boyfriends nonstop anxiety.

      1. 26.1.1

        Oh finally! Thank you lord! Everything you said sounds like words that have come out of my own mouth! Thank you!
        I should also mention this: I have done A LOT of research on the subject of strip clubs. I read three posts from former strippers who all said that their is nothing innocent about men going into strip clubs. These girls would know because they’ve stripped themselves at numerous clubs themselves. They all agree that even though they worked at a strip club they would not be okay with their boyfriend visiting one. It is a place for a man to get sexually aroused.

  7. 27


    I have never been to a strip club and I likely never will go to one. I can understand Juliette’s discomfort completely. I also can’t fathom how women can be good sports about going to such places. At a minimum I would feel like there was nothing for me at a club with male dancers. I would also be stunned if the women I went with expected me to enjoy it.

    If it is one thing the comments on this board have taught me is that there are many different kinds of people. Not everyone sees things the same way. There are many men and women for whom Evan’s advice will work.

  8. 28

    Well said, Steve!

  9. 29

    i am learning strength through the man i am with.
    i am trying to become somebody i WANT to be, not just feeding into aLL my negative thoughts. i appreciate the support Simone- it’s nice to have some compassion. Steve, i LOVE the “rationaL” way of thinking- so much EASiER! if onLy it wouLd just come NaturaLLy! =D i wouLdn’t have to work so hard. rationaLLy thinking is just human nature to men??

  10. 30


    I am a man and I am NOT rational :).

    Seriously, I don’t think people are rational creatures, only creatures who the capacity to be rational for limited periods of time.

    I have been into REBT for a few years. Everyone else I know who is into has the same story to report. Every once in a blue moon they sit down, think about a bad experience, and have the bad feelings go away like a light switch being turned off.

    However, for any significant issue, anything ingrained, it is a process like jogging to lose weight. You have to consistently and repeatedly reapply it to get what you want. The good news is that it works. Unlike, festering in your emotions, which at least far as my mileage goes just ends up being self flagellation in the long run.

    The two best books I have read on the subject are:
    “A Guide To Rational Living” by Dr. Albert Ellis
    ” Choose to Be Happy” by Wayne Froggatt

    The first book is a classic by the psychologist who invented it. You can probably find it in most libraries and used book venues. The second book was published in New Zealand, is a bit more expensive, but is well worth the extra money as it is extremely well thought out and well written.

    Dr. Ellis was a brilliant observer, a great speaker, and a lousy writer. The book I mention above, is in my opinion, one of the few books he wrote that was written well.

  11. 31

    I completely agree with Markus’s first post and I don’t agree with Evan here. I find Evan’s advice very selfish and the purse comparison to be completely unbalanced. The natural instinct of sexuality and competition in women, and purposely putting your SO in a position where she is in competition with other women for her SO’s attention, compared to holding a purse is completely illogical. I have never seen a man holding a woman’s purse while she was shopping to the extent that I see men going to strip clubs despite having a woman that cares for him.

    Juliette, you don’t have to be cool with it or make yourself do something with your boyfriend that makes you feel awful. “Being cool” is only going to serve to shame you into doing something you don’t even want to do. Obviously sitting next to your boyfriend while his attention is on some breast implanted 20 year old stripper isn’t ideal, neither is it really “cool” on his part to even think that that is something that would be good for his girlfriend. The fact that a man would even want to put his girlfriend in that position speaks of something not quite right and disrespectful if you ask me.

    This is how I see it, the way men and women are turned on are completely different. Men in general are more turned on to look at pretty women. Women in general are more turned on to be looked at. That is why women are held to a standard of beauty that men just aren’t. That is also why a strip club with female dancers is more of an erotic experience then a strip club with male dancers. Female strip clubs is more true to the nature of how men are turned on. Hey, that’s fine if that is your thing. But they why do you even have a girlfriend if that is what you want? Sometimes it appears that men are more concerned with what they don’t have then who they really should be concerned about, the one girl that actually cares about him. And how does she get thanked? By her man going to a strip club.

    They are purposely putting themselves in a sexual environment with other women and expecting their girlfriends to be “cool” about it. Which isn’t even close to being logical or rational. The reason men love when women go to strip clubs with them because it is more true to the nature of a man’s sexuality, not hers. Of course men are going to encourage it and want it to happen because he gets the best of both worlds, more women to oggle, and his SO to have sex with after the experience. And what the woman gets is her SO’s divided attention and selfishness directed to other women.

    Male strippers are the ones that are a joke. I don’t know one woman that gets turned on by male strippers. I do know lots of men that do. No man is going to strip club and laughing in the same context that women go to male strip clubs and laugh.

    Now turn the situation around, lets say YOU were the stripper. Getting on stage and dancing around for other men almost naked. It turns women on to be admired by men, just as it turns men on to admire looking at women. But most men would hate the idea of his gf getting attention from other men to the same extent women dislike the idea of their man giving attention to other women.

    I find men often very hypocritical and illogical on this issue over all. THey want us women to be “cool” enough to go to strip clubs, because it is no threat to them and their masculinty to be in a environment where women are dancing naked for him, along where his girlfriend is sitting by his side ready to have sex with him after he gets turned on by these other women. Yet men would NEVER put themselves in a serious situation that put in him in direct competition with other men sexually for his SO’s attention.

    Gezzz, sometimes men make me sad and I wonder why the even have relationships with the stuff they want to put their girlfriends through just so they can check out new girls and treat their girlfriend with disrespect.

    1. 31.1

      AMEN. I just made the same example in my post. I think it’s a hypothetical view that is hugely overlooked because it doesn’t fit societal norms of letting boys be boys and having their fun or else you’re a fun-sucking, prude.

    2. 31.2

      It’s because we have lived in a patriarchal society for much of human existence and men have been entitled and privileged for far too long.   They are used to having their cake and eating it, too. The ideas of sexual equality are relatively new concepts that came about after the sexual revolution, advent of the birth control pill, and feminist movement.   If women can continue to listen to their own morals, values, and emotions, they can hopefully make things a little more balanced in their sexual relationships from here on out.   

  12. 32

    I don’t completely understand what you’re saying, Steve — it sounds a little bit like NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP), which is about using cognitive/behavioral techniques to rid oneself of negative associations. But I find it a stretch to believe that ANY negative feeling/experience can be so obliterated — and what about our higher selves? Just b/c taking part in an exhibitionistic fantasy thing is right for Juliette’s boyfriend doesn’t mean that it’s right for her, that her feelings just need a cognitive tweak. Maybe she would have the same end result — not feeling pain — if she found a partner who isn’t into sexual stuff she isn’t into and who is into the stuff she’s into — or if her boyfriend would choose not to partake b/c he realized that his behavior makes her feel bad. While I agree that we need to be able to rein ourselves in when we’re overreacting or reacting inappropriately–what about when our feelings ARE appropriate to the situation? I don’t think Juliette’s feelings are out of line here. I’d feel the same way in her situation. Or maybe I am not understanding your advice correctly?

  13. 33

    I’m late on this discussion, but maybe somebody will find this helpful.

    I had an ex take me to a strip club. She enjoyed it and I enjoyed it. Because of that, we had the great, post-s-club sex. I’ve also had another ex take me to a strip club who wasn’t comfortable with it, and that was no fun at all. We both felt awkward…I couldn’t enjoy something I would normally have enjoyed much more with my buddies because I held the experience at arm’s length in deference to her discomfort. There was no difference in physical contact with strippers in the two cases, just in ease, enjoyment and sharing perspectives on the experience.

    If you don’t want to take him, don’t take him, just be understanding the one or two times a year he does go with his friends. Those are the times when he’ll really come home charged up because his experience is exactly what he thinks it should be: relaxed, frivolous fun that ultimately makes him think of you.

    1. 33.1

      Why would such an experience, “…make him think of you”?   Men don’t think about their gfs or wives coming out of a strip club – otherwise they would have just spent the night with their gfs or wives.   The only real reason they would think of their gfs or wives after the strip club, is because they need an orifice to screw after getting turned on by women they can’t bed.   Not sure why any woman should be thrilled about this.   If I’m wrong, please feel free to explain.   Thanks.   

  14. 34


    If an event such as putting yourself in a club with naked women, makes you think of your SO, then why don’t you just spend the evening with your SO instead? Nothing is going to make you think of your SO more then actually spending time with them, not other women.I think this has more to do with a man wanting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be able to pretend he is single at the club, enjo ythe other women, fantasize about them; then go home to the woman that actually is the one that cares about him to elevate himself from putting himself in a situation with other women to turn him on. Nothing about that is really for your partner. Will she get an orgasm out of the deal? Possibly. She will also get to be nothing more then an object for you to use after you spent the evening with other women. Why would a man want to treat his own partner like that? Do men really expect a woman to feel good and happy about this? No man would want his SO to go out with a bunch of other men, receive attention from them, touching or not to be turned on to having sex with him. Personally I just find it disrespectful that men try to play strip clubs off as something that is for *her* his partner so that *they* can have hotter sex. If you need other women before you can have hot sex with your own SO, that really sticks for women then doesn’t it.

    Personally, I think strip clubs make both men and women look bad. It’s men and women at their worst. Men don’t want to be used for their money and women don’t want to be used just for their looks, but that is exactly what happens in a strip club.

    If a man in is a relationship, he should be in a relationship. If he needs to go out with his friends he should. But he deson’t need to do it in a place that puts him in a sexual situation with other women. And anyone who says that a strip club isn’t sexual; is not playing with a full deck

    1. 34.1

      Good point!!!

  15. 35

    To JerseyGirl,

    In this era of equality that we live in, where does that put women that participate in bachelorette parties? How about women that go to “male” strip clubs? Most men know, that, the thing to do, is meet women after the male strip show.

  16. 36

    Female strip clubs and male strip clubs are not the same thing. Most women are not turned on by male strip clubs like men are turned on by female strip clubs. It is the nature of who men and women are and how their sexuality can be different. Men on display, prettied-up and dancing/gyrating around is not how most women are turned on. It’s corny. Women are also not automatically turned on by a perfectly physically fit male. Women on display, prettied-up and dancing around, perfectly physically fit is exactly how men are turned on.

    I am not saying there aren’t women out there that don’t enjoy it and get turned on. I am sure there is. But the over-whelming majority of women, just aren’t. From what I know and have heard, most women if they go to a male strip club, do it as a lark and spend the evening laughing thinking how cheesy it all is.

    Most men that got to female strip clubs are not laughing. They are getting excited with all the naked women around them catering to their needs and then expect their girlfriends to welcome them home with open arms. What is up with that? Because it comes off really extremly selfish.

    There are way more female strip clubs then there are or will ever will be for male strip clubs. Just ask your male friends and then ask your female friends and find out who has visted their retrospecitve opposite sex strip clubs more often. I think you will discover that this is a much more male event. There is hardly ever the issue with women wanting to go out to engage with other naked men to the same extent that this question seems to come up with men.

    I also will go as far to say that men aren’t threated by women going to male strip clubs because they know deep down this is not what turns women on and gets to them.

    Now if a guy’s woman wanted to be the one stripping; just stripping and no rubbing on the patrons, then I don’t know one guy that wouldn’t say “heck no”. But quite simply, men are more turned on by watching, women are more turned on by being watched. If you want to make an equal situation that is more comparable, then we could say a man going to a strip club to watch other women is the same as a woman going to a strip club to be watched by other men.

  17. 37

    to Jerseygirl,

    I agree with you, a mans biggest sex organ are his eyes.

    I have heard women say, “Why would I go to a female strip club, when I can see that every time I look in the mirror?

    There is a female sexologist that urges women to stop selecting men because of his good looks. She tells women to select a man by what he has to say.

  18. 38

    If you go to a nice club, it can be a win-win if he shares what outfits catch his eyes. You can note any of the Lap-dance moves, and try them out on him, in private. Then, there would be nothing special about going to a club.

    The cool thing about a club, in this STD-laden society, is that you have brief, limited contact, and that’s all. The clubs are supervised. Like, if I go months without a girlfriend, then I like going to a club to get a booth dance (dancer wiggles on your lap and you can fondle everywhere except the g-string area.)

    I like to get a booth, but have the dancer put on a soft outfit. The first half of the dance, I just wrap my arms around her and hold her, like I would hold a girfriend, just savoring the warmth, and press of the embrace. The second half of the dance I like to caress her, to feel her arms, legs, back, and all the soft parts.

    But what two dances cost at a club is what I normally spend on a date (dinner & movie.) In a relationship, you actually get to chat, share your thoughts, BE together, hold hands, savor time together… and hug for hours.

    With the club, you don’t get emotionally involved, in a relationship-lasting sort of way. Even if a dancer suggest you could “go out” together, she likely means it in an “escort way,” and not a “girlfriend with fulfilling relationship way.”

    I took my last girlfriend to a club, since some of her nail-salon customers were dancers. I chatted with her, to poing out things about it that I read on Z-bone.

    The dance becomes a drudgery, as their bare, tender skin brushes for hours against rough fabrics like denim, leather, broadcloth, and hardware like snaps, belt-buckles, and zippers.

    Dancers have to desensitize themselves, in some way. The customers are walking billfolds. They are independent contractors, so get no benefits. The entertainment provided would be cherished & intimate in private, when reserved only for the one they love.

    But like the one that joins a working band “for the love of playing,” that which was a fun hobby becomes drudgery, as patrons pass through the establishment like customers through a restaurant.

    It is a tough job, and some have to use chemicals to tune-out aspects that are unpleasant. That only increases expenses, and shortens the durability of their health.

    I feel bad, when I consider I may be contributing to the dancer’s occupational problems.

    But I so appreciate just holding a woman in my arms, speaking from my heart to tell her how pretty she is (since is I comment at work that a woman’s perfume smells nice, I can get written up & investigated for “sexual harassment” since ‘intent’ does not matter & 3rd-parties are required to report anything they even ‘think’ might constitute harassment.)

    If your guy is having trouble talking to you, you might try getting him to read “The Language of Love” by John Trent, that teaches men to communicate in “word pictures” so you can understand him.

  19. 39

    I have heard men say that strip clubs can be a “win-win” for everyone. But what I think men really mean is that it’s a “win-win” for him. How does a woman, in a relationship with a man, come out on top and “win” anything, by her man getting turned on and spending time, attention and money on other almost naked women?

    Also, how many men would be open to going to places where they can ogle other men and then tell their SO that he could dress up like that for her? I really doubt most men would like that idea very much. I get so furstrated on this topic because I just find men to be very selfish on this front. I don’t know what it is about strip clubs but it seems to me that men make it just as important as their real life partner. It really saddens me the crass and careless way men are when it comes to this topic.

    1. 39.1

      You are exactly right. It represents men dominating women. If women had equal pay, equal jobs, and didn’t have to raise children then no woman would choose to be a stripper or prostitute.

  20. 40

    To one previous poster – this is not an age of equality. There is more pressure on women than ever before to meet an unrealistic, cookie-cutter shape. Why do you think so many young teenage girls are getting implants?
    A strip club is where a man buys a sexual experience with a stranger. I bet most of these guys who say it’s harmless and women should lighten up and get over it would probably have a shit fit if they knew that their girl friend was getting all hot and bothered by some stacked stud whispering in their ear describing in minute detail the kind of head he’d like to give her. It’s the equivalent.

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