I’m Taking My Boyfriend to a Strip Club But I Hate That He Likes It.

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As a woman going through some much desired transformation, I am taking my boyfriend to strip club to celebrate his b-day (because I know he likes ’em). I would LOOOOVE to be the girl who doesn’t mind, but the images are stamped into my memories, and my heart hurts.

Please help me accept the human nature that is “men.”

Juliette

Dear Juliette,

Contrary to what many of our readers might think, you’re taking a very evolved stance and I want to congratulate you for it.

Relationships are about doing things for our partners that make THEM happy, not just doing what feels best for us. Holding the girlfriend’s purse when she’s shopping for perfume? That’s for her. Spending $350 on a meal because we’re hanging out with her wealthy friends? That’s for her, too. Calling her at the end of the night when I just want to go to sleep? That’s for her. It makes her happy, it makes her feel connected, and it keeps our bond strong, and that’s what I’ve got to do to make my relationship work. Believe me, I’m not complaining. I get a LOT out of my partnership and my girlfriend makes all sorts of sacrifices for me. I know it, I appreciate it, and I never fail to express how lucky I am.

You might be thinking, “Yeah, that’s all well and good, Evan. But holding your girlfriend’s bag in Bloomie’s is not a real sacrifice. Juliette is talking about ANOTHER WOMAN RUBBING HERSELF ON HER BOYFRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. How could you even compare the two?”

Oh, but I can. For one simple reason:

Neither of the two acts means anything. Now, I could CHOOSE to feel emasculated when I take my girlfriend shopping. I could CHOOSE to feel like a loser when I stay home on girls’ night out. I could CHOOSE to feel like the third wheel when my girlfriend is telling inside jokes to her best friend and I’m standing there like a bump on a log. But I don’t. Because it doesn’t MEAN anything about our relationship.

For the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies.

And that’s what any woman who is threatened by a stripper has to get. Strip clubs don’t turn us on. They make us giggle.

Now, if you ever went out with some guy who blew his paycheck at Crazy Horse or left you for a woman named Sierra and her six inch heels, feel free to ignore my advice. But for the average guy who goes to a strip club once a year for a bachelor party, it’s just a meaningless diversion that combines all of a man’s greatest pleasures: booze, boobs, and his buddies. We get to gawk and point and laugh and drink and bond with our friends before reality sets in and we go home a few hundred dollars lighter….

Forbidding this behavior is very shortsighted and very dangerous. In fact, forbidding desire is almost always a losing proposition, as losing as forbidding drugs or alcohol or cigarettes or religion. So the real question becomes, not “how do I make my boyfriend stop liking other attractive naked women”, but “how do I channel this male lust into a form that is out in the open and condoned?” And I’ll tell ya, Juliette, taking him to a strip club is a pretty good way.

It shows him you’re not jealous. It shows him you’re not threatened. It shows him you’re in control of your emotions. It shows you’re interested in his pleasure, rather than in neutering him and making him pretend he doesn’t find other women attractive. I just don’t seem to see the downside here.

Ah, but there is one: it HURTS you. I get that, and I’m not just gonna suggest that if you snap your fingers, it’s going to go away. I think it’s a matter of bringing a certain awareness to the matter that can somewhat temper the pain you feel as you watch your boyfriend and his shit-eating grin. It’s a matter of knowing that anything you’re witnessing doesn’t mean he loves you less. It means he appreciates you more. I can’t overestimate how important this is. Which is why any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You! Well, thanks, sweetie! I feel GREAT about our relationship now!

Any form of jealousy is pretty much useless, all it does it create anger, tension, and resentment and remind your partner of one thing: I Don’t Trust You!

As a guy who has never cheated, and hasn’t been to a strip club in years, I can tell you that if forbidding it is the worst thing you can do, allowing it is the best thing you can do. (Oh, and by the way, if it hurts so bad, you don’t have to bring him to the strip club. Just let him go once in awhile without drama.) And if, in the most unfathomable circumstances, he runs off with Sierra and her heels, well, you should probably consider yourself lucky to be rid of him.

In the meantime, you can make him realize how lucky he is to have you.

Join our conversation (79 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 41
    liz

    P.S. and the guy who wants to sit there and watch this is a rare beast indeed.

  2. 42
    juLiette

    it just makes me sad;(

  3. 43
    SHERWIN

    let us all start acting normal now
    normal is being so happy with your boy-friend , girl-friend and or
    spouse , that , extra stimulation such as strip clubs or similar is
    not necessary ,
    that is what is called normal.
    If you have the urge to go to a strip club with your girl-friend something is wrong somewhere , figure it out.

  4. 44
    starthrower68

    Ok, the born-again Christian is going to freak you all out and say, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect men not to become aroused at the sight of a naked, attractive woman. That having been said, if it were me, I know that I will never – no matter how hard I try – look like a hot stripper. So, if I were with a guy and that is what he really wanted, he might as well ditch me and go for it so I can move on. My ex-husband went to strip club once for one of his college buddies’ b-day. I can’t say that I was really bothered by it.

  5. 45
    emily

    I just turned 18 on May 3rd and I have been dating my boy friend since freshman year and off and on about twice he is 19 in November. And it was bother our first time. I loved it they way the interact with you, guys are guys let them be guys or let them be guys with someone else. Its just a game kind not like he is taking one home or talking about sex with one or trying to make me be like them. I know he loved it he got to see some beautiful woman do there sexy thang 😉 I was nervous at first for sure but then i got use to it once i was there for 15 mins or so. I would even go there with just my girlfriends. Just to have fun, and relax and be around sexiness. I suggest it, its an adventure and an experience you gotta do it with your boyfriend just let him do his own thing but with you dont get up in his grill. you wanna be with someone who loves you for who you are and what you have to offer. So love yourself and let them love you and watch other girls.

    1. 45.1
      Wolfy

      What are you going to do when he goes ahead and screws one? You’ll be ok with it?

  6. 46
    William

    Jerseygirl – I agree with, basically, everything you’ve said. I’m   44, and have  zero interest in strip clubs. The idea of sitting around a bunch of other guys,  drooling over  some chick who’s trying to turn the guys into human ATM machines is boring as hell. Also, let’s face it – a stranger’s  naked body becomes a bland backdrop after very little time. I do disagree with you over women at male strip shows though.  Girls who go to Thunder From Down Under shows regularly, post comments about how they got to touch the stripper’s “package” and asses. Women actually get to grope and fondle the male strippers while they’re running through the crowds, and they do. I would NEVER date a girl who was into male strippers. I have zero respect for a girl who feels at home in a place where women are groping  strippers,  unbuckling strippers’ pants, grabbing their bare asses, getting their hands shoved down the guys’ G-strings, etc. That kind of girl isn’t my gene pool. Who the hell cares if they’re laughing at the same time. It is degrading and she would be part of that. My next relationship will have a zero tolerance on this issue – period. There is absolutely no jealousy involved. I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to be jealous about. What a girl thinks and how she behaves is more important to me that how the girl looks. If a girl is a 10, she automatically becomes a 2 if she’s into the male stripper scene. I simply am not attracted to a girl who’s into that. Also, I could care less what the “majority” feels about the acceptability of strippers for bachelor/bachelorette parties. Let’s face it – 90% of the population are monkeys. They don’t know anything, they don’t think about anything, they go to work, come home and try to find new ways to entertain themselves – period. They are the “fluff” class. The fact that these ignorant folks are slaves to retarded rituals/traditions (such as strippers) is very telling. Juliette – I would put your dude to the curb yesterday. Tell him that you aren’t attracted to guys who are into strip clubs. He won’t want you to be less attracted to him. Take that angle. Any person, male or female, who values strip clubs over the feelings of their SO, doesn’t really love you. Actions speak louder than his vacant words. Juliette – you are in the right and he is in the wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you or your feelings. Just realize – it’s not easy to be in the enlightened minority.

    1. 46.1
      starthrower68

      I can’t argue with you there William. The Chippendales guys never interested me. I would not be interested in going to that, not for prudish reasons, because those guys appear to be in a subservient position, even if they’re taking in the cash. That doesn’t appeal to me.

    2. 46.2
      Wolfy

      Thank you for taking a stand!

  7. 47
    Rose

    I agree William. I step up from prostitution and one step up from being a John. Not somewhere I would want to be or someone I would want to be with.

  8. 48
    Jess

    I know this thread is old but I can on hoping to understand a guys perspective but have been disappointed by the results. Here’s the thing that bothers me the most. I would love to go to a strip club with my man and watch him get a lap dance. I love him enough to want to do things that will make him happy. But would he do the same for me? No. As Jerseygirl mentioned, that would mean me dancing for other guys and devouring their attention. Just like guys like to look at girls and get turned on or some sort of pleasure, girls like to be looked and noticed. It turns us on and makes us feel sexy. So if you want things to truly be equally satisfying in a relationship guys please be willing to give as much as you receive in this department. Sure my guy does things for me such as going shopping or out to dinner with my friends, however that is equal to me watching football with him or going golfing. I haven’t heard one single man, including Evan say they would be comfortable with this equality. Would it bother you to watch your girl be stared at admiringly half-naked and then give guys lap dances? Shouldn’t we both get to have our cake and eat it too and then go home and have great sex together?… 🙂

    1. 48.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Okay, Jess. Get a job as a stripper if that makes you happy. The right man will be able to deal with it. Let us know how it goes.

  9. 49
    Jess

    Why should I have to get a job as stripper? See that’s the problem, I don’t want to be a stripper any more than a good man wants to go hang out with at a strip club every night. The question is could a man handle seeing his woman do those exact things (dancing provocatively and rubber her ass and tits on another man) even a couple times a year? Because for me, that would be fair. Now I am not saying I should be able to go to my best guy friends house and do this, but with a stranger, why not? It’s the same thing right? Like I said, I really don’t have a problem with my guy going to a strip club every now and then. I actually think being controlling and telling your husband what he can and can’t do is pathetic, I trust him. But he should be able to handle the same things I do. I don’t think I could my husband could handle this and that rubs to the wrong way. There is a reason men like to watch women do these things and there is equally a reason that women like to be watched and admired. Could most men handle this? That is all I am asking. I feel like it is legitimate and not insecure and degrading for me to feel this way.

    1. 49.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      a) I don’t think most men could handle it
      b) You’re working under the assumption that men and women are the same and what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. It makes for a challenging hypothetical. But I think, for men, in general, visualizing other women is their fantasy. For women, love and intimacy is a greater fantasy (see every romantic comedy ever made). This is not to say that women don’t find men visually appealing or lust for hot guys. It’s just that if you counted the number of male strip clubs and compared them with the number of female strip clubs, I think you’d see a massive disparity.
      c) So I can’t fully answer the question why there would seem to be a double standard here. I would say that telling a man not to look at other women is possible, but may not feel particularly organic to him. Essentially, you’re policing his fantasy life and not allowing him any stimulation outside the marriage. If you think strip clubs are cheating, then that’s your prerogative. I can’t argue with it. Just know that most men like to look. If you make a big deal about it, it becomes a big deal. If you put your foot down because it feels bad and feels like a double standard, then you can seek out the men who don’t go to strip clubs ever (there are man) or men who don’t look at porn ever (there are few).

      1. 49.1.1
        Jess

        Evan,

        Thank you for admitting that most men could not handle it…I appreciate that! But I would ask that you also think about that feeling you get thinking about your wife doing those things for other men and know that, although we are stimulated different, that jealously feeling is the same for both men and woman. You can still be a secure woman and get jealous. I am not trying to prove anyone right or wrong, just give another perspective. I kind of like the jealous feeling I get…it reminds me to appreciate him. Because if I don’t, it could be a “real” woman next time.

        I also agree that woman are more stimulated by intimacy and men are visually. I wasn’t trying to argue that at all. I have very little desire to go to a a male strip club. But I think there is a lot out there that can prove that a woman feels sexy when men look at her. I would argue that is why woman act and dress a certain way to get a man’s attention. We want to feel wanted and are highly competitive with each other. What would make my man want me more than to know that other men desire me. So showing off for another man can be a huge turn on for women. Giving a guy a lap dance would be too, just like getting one turns a guy on. Though, it would not make her necessarily look the best in other peoples eyes so its better to keep this to herself. Plus, we women are emotional creatures so we wouldn’t be turned on by hurting our man. He would really have to be OK with it for us to want to do it. Unlike men, we wouldn’t be able to separate the act from an emotion.

        It’s fine with me that my man desires other woman. I like that about him, it makes him human. I think there is a a compromise here and that is the beauty of it. While a guy goes to a strip club with his buddies, a girl could go out to a night club with her friends. She could dance and flirt with other men, even let him buy her a drink. I think it’s just important that while we are respecting our SO’s desires, that we not let it bring us down in the process. Sometimes this has nothing to do with insecurities (a lot of times it does and is handled incorrectly) and more to do with feeling left out. I also want to come home feeling sexy and turned on. That’s all! I am confident in myself enough to know that I am worth a lot in my husbands eyes and my own. This the problem for the confident girl, she also wants to go out and get the attention (without cheating) and come home to her husband. That’s where my point was coming from!

        We only live once and when you truly love someone, you don’t want to treat him/her with judgment or control. You want them to get the most out of life and make their own decisions. Being under an illusion that you can control someone’s fantasies or make them only want you is not love. It’s an illusion women get from watching Cinderella and other fairy tales at a young age and become fixated on this being the truth. It’s also an illusion men get from seeing to many idealized images of woman in the media as well. We all have to get past these issues. I love being a woman…but I am tired of other woman giving us a bad rap by constantly putting men down for their behaviors and excusing their own.

        This is not a question of “should a let my husband do something?” What kind of question is that anyway? It is where is the line drawn for woman on this issue? I don’t want my husband to get mad at me for doing these things or think less of me because I like getting noticed by other men. I know I should ask him this but I want your honest opinion before I do. I’m not looking for a date…just to hear by someone else (who is not in love with me) that I am sexy. Is this wrong? Isn’t a LITTLE jealousy in a relationship a good thing?

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          “I’m not looking for a date…just to hear by someone else (who is not in love with me) that I am sexy. Is this wrong? Isn’t a LITTLE jealousy in a relationship a good thing?”

          Two different questions. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired by strangers. When my wife gets hit on, she comes home and tells me because she’s flattered. This is normal and secure people can handle it.

          But the second part: “Isn’t a little jealousy a good thing?” No. Not at all. Jealousy is based in insecurity and I don’t see one positive thing coming out of insecurity. I’m not “jealous” if some guy hits on my wife. I’m happy for my wife because it makes her feel good. Jealousy would imply that I would give her the third degree or “work harder” because I know she’s desirable to other men. It’s all bullshit. Secure people don’t worry about this stuff. I am not a jealous person. I did not marry a jealous person. And I frankly feel really bad for jealous people.

        2. Adrian

          Hi Jess, I remember once reading a blog by a older man saying how his wife gets hit on all the time by men of all ages (she did nothing wrong but he was angry, jealous) and the women who were commenting to the blog all basically said the same thing. They wouldn’t cheat, but it makes them feel good to know that they are still desired and found attractive, especially if they are older or have had children and their bodies aren’t the same as a firm childless 20 something year old.

          The point is, what you describe isn’t unusual I just think it’s not talked about very much. We always correlate a married person who doesn’t get angry with being hit on or flirted with as someone looking to cheat or not loving their spouse and that’s not true!

          But to be honest, if I would have never read all the heartfelt and sincere stories by all those women, then I would not have been so understanding. It confirms what Evan says, my jealousy would have just shown my own lack of trust and insecurity, so when you explain it to your husband, make sure he understands it’s not about cheating or you wanting to upgrade.

  10. 50
    Jess

    OK..that was a really bad argument. You are right about the jealousy thing…and I don’t think I feel that way at all. I don’t exactly feel anger or fear. I don’t even hate the idea of him looking at other woman.I actually looked the definition up because I am confused about the meaning I guess. Envy and jealousy are closely related, however a connotation difference exists. To quote Webster, “Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another. . .Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves. Jealousy also refers to anguish caused by fear of losing someone or something to a rival.” I have zero fear of losing my husband, but I will admit that I think I am a little envious of him when it comes to this topic. I know it’s not right to think “he shouldn’t be able to have something I can’t have.” I know that is not a positive thing. It’s so difficult not to focus on “men can’t handle that sort of thing” and “women can get their desires equally met through romance” instead of men and woman are different and we don’t view this the same way. Society has really got us so hung up on making sure there is equality between men and women that we forget that value (especially sexual and emotional) among women and men is not identical. I continually compare these things. Something I need to work on! Thanks Evan!

  11. 51
    Garrett

    My friend had a girlfriend who would feel threatened by other women a few years ago. I am friends with both of them, and I had to enlighten her after they broke up over some of her hypocrisy. The thing is that she felt threatened whenever he saw a girl in yoga pants, but at one point, talked about hot guys with her friend in front of him. She was the girl who went to see Magic Mike, read FSG, but would get uncomfortable if he was watching an action movie with one, ten second semi-sexual scene. The first thing I did was kindly address her hypocrisy, and then explained to her that he was one of the most loyal guys I’ve ever met.

    As a loyal guy (who is doing good to get a girl in the first place), I will tell you, if you and your male SO is talking to you about things he finds attractive, and is open, he probably won’t go chasing it. If you let us talk to you about girls we find attractive, it makes us feel secure and accepted, as a male human being. Forcing us to hide all of that, frustrates our human nature, which might lead us to cheat and use porn. We are willing to let you express your desires as well, and in my opinion, we really don’t have a choice, just get on any social media, where girls will freely post things they find attractive, but guys who do that are considered to be selfish pigs. Make sure you and him are able to freely communicate without fear, and when that is happening, the party expressing their appeal, should add their desire for their partner, to ensure their loyalty to them.

    1. 51.1
      Scott

      I had a similar experience with a gf. She felt threatened if I recognized another woman and would gasp or outright tell me that she didn’t like running into a woman I knew. Yet,,, she once asked me to spend a day with her and one of her former bf’s going to a sporting event and she even asked me if it was ok for him to stay overnight at her house (in the guest room of course). And I couldn’t even talk to a waitress about anything beside food. OMG, if I would have asked her if it was ok for a former gf to stay in my house overnight, she would have gone tilt. I think this asymmetry of expectations is a giant red flag. Beware!

    2. 51.2
      Pat

      Did it ever occur to you that maybe women don’t want to hear about what you find attractive in other women?   What exactly do women get out of hearing you talk about how hot other women are?   What can women even do about it – morph their appearance to please you?   How about reserve your attention for your girlfriend when she’s in your presence and leave the ‘boner talk’ for your buddies or your “alone time” with your porn?   It’s fine if you find other women attractive (most women are acutely aware that this is how men are), but there’s really no need to make her aware of every detail of your sexuality.   You’re a big boy, you should be able to keep certain things to yourself and you shouldn’t need your girlfriend to hold your hand through every little urge you get.

  12. 52
    Scott

    This column is one of many reasons why I keep coming back to this site to read.
    I love how you talk about CHOOSING to feel a certain way. How true this is.
    And what you said about jealousy- so true.
    Evan- you’re good at this. (although i strongly disagree with your “do nothing” advice)

  13. 53
    Kirsty

    My boyfriend and I went to a sex show in Amsterdam that I was super uncomfortable about going to. But we were on holiday and when in “Amsterdam”. He suggested at one point that I go up and participate, I didn’t want to so just watched. And after one of the acts he was so relieved that I decided not to do it. Maybe it’s because of our culture and where we’re from but it left a bad taste in our mouths, and it wasn’t the vodka. We walked back through the Red Light District to a bar and caught a cab home later that night. As an attempt to regain control I had sex with him when we got home. This isn’t the first time it’s happened and I’m not entirely sure why I have the need to have that kind of sexual control over him. I don’t think he knows that’s why I sometimes have sex with him.

  14. 54
    ioxoi perez

    Would there be a difference if the girlfriend liked going to male strip clubs. Because its always about male plesures. What if the girl wanted all that that a guy wants , but to enjoy with a different guy. Like threesoms or porn or strip clubs. Then there’d be a difference, there always is.

  15. 55
    Rocky

    Married 13 years, 45 years old and I have gone to the strip club whenever I have a serious problem with the marriage.   By that I mean, what my therapist has defined as emotional abuse and not only from the wife by from her adult daughter who lives with us.   The other reason is the anger my wife has which sometimes turns into physical abuse.   I know I can handle the punches physically and only sometimes she is able to calm down in a reasonable amount of time.   It is the psychological effect on me which has gotten to me, not ever knowing when she may flare up.   When I was in college, I suffered a nervous breakdown, so I am sometimes simply walking on eggshells around the house.   Also, another thing that gets me, is she sometimes purposefully disrespects me in public in front of our friends.       All of these things combined have me running away at times just to get some comfort from a woman who will at least talk with me and listen or give me a nice hug.   The other stuff, the naked bodies, lap dances, etc. are nice, but the real reason I go is for a short bit of good companionship, whether it is feigned or not.   Actually, the naked part actually has turned my stomach at times, literally.   (On time I actually ran to the men’s room because I thought I was going to throw up!).

    Anyway, the marriage is dissolving quickly because of the issues I mentioned.   The only thing which has kept me in it until now it seems is the relief I get when I am at the club.   I don’t know where I’d be without that outlet.       The other thing is I end up with the same dancer every time, by choice.     It seems people believe that you cannot get to know a dancer or that she doesn’t really care, but dancers are people too and some are more genuine than others.      I just know that she and I have both benefited from our talks together.       If the wife were to find out,   I believe she would divorce me in a heartbeat.   I also believe if I didn’t have such an outlet, I would have been divorced months ago because of the hostile environment in which I live.

    The wife and I have been to counseling, but every time, she has become angry with the counselor claiming she is siding with me.   She has yet to go get her own counselor.

    I think strip clubs could be an outlet for men like me, albeit very expensive.   Also, I believe for some it could be a very bad place to be.   All in all, the place is set up to take advantage of men’s weaknesses and their primal instinctive reaction to a pleasurable sight (naked sexy women).   For that reason, I do not agree they are harmless.   Rather I think they cause more harm than good.   There is a lot of deception, emotion and chemical charge in the air.   That is never a good combination.     I still go because I have a friend there.   Yes, I find her attractive, but the social interaction beats a lap dance any day.

    Some people call men like PL s   which stands for “Pathetic Loser”.   I don’t mind being called that.   It doesn’t bother me at all.

     

     

     

    1. 55.1
      Wolfy

      Thank you for your story and honesty. I am against strip clubs and brothels for so many reasons. I think you would be better off not being married to such a toxic person. You should go to private counseling so you can find a better path for your life, and hopefully not feel the need to go to clubs. Hopefully you can find a brighter path for yourself in the future. hugs!

  16. 56
    Oprizhka

    My husband and I recently traveled to St. Petersburg to our friends, and it was the first time in my life I ended up in a strip bare. Surprisingly even for me, it was good. Beautiful dancing, beautiful bodies.. There was something to see and discuss afterwards with my husband. Moreover, there was something to remember for future use!) To be honest, maybe it sounds a bit slutty, but in my point of view, I can see nothing bad about it. Simply just because it didn’t harm neither our love, nor sex life.. and even spiritual and physical intimacy. Although I have standard orientation, I’m definitely not a prude.

    I don’t know, maybe it’s because the atmosphere that was created in this bar (I think, it was called Zavist, I don’t remember correctly, sorry), or maybe it’s because i really trust my husband and he trusts me back..but it was a good evening to remember and a good night afterwards, when we stayed in our hotel just two of us. I don’t know whether we will repeat this kind of experience or not, but what I can clearly say, that this case wasn’t harmful for our relationship at all!

  17. 57
    Crys

    I think if you’re against strip clubs it’s completely ok. Date and marry people who share the same sentiment.

    However, if my SO decides to spend a night out going to a strip club, I should be able to kiss a guy for fun while I’m out at night. I’m a girl and I love to kiss new men. It’s just entertainment and it means nothing to me. Honestly, all of the same arguments apply to both scenarios so that’s what I do now.

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