Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?

Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is sweet, patient, loving, and all the things you can ask for in a BF/Husband. One issue is that my sex drive is higher than his. I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9 times a month. We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel. It’s THAT BAD. Now I feel that we have just become best friends who live together and once in awhile sleep together. When we do have sex, sometimes I feel my mind thinking elsewhere. I believe I have programmed my brain to not want to have sex just so that I don’t feel lonely and rejected when he says he’s not in the mood. I think I lost that spark and special connection with my boyfriend who I love VERY, VERY much. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m happy almost every day because of it. What do I do? Is sex something worth breaking up over??? –Sexually Deprived Female

While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…

And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.

Is sex something worth breaking up over?

You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.

Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover – otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.

The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.

It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.

See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.

His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.

It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.

People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.

Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.

Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”

And that’s where sex is really no different than any other dealbreaker: height, weight, age, education, income, sense of humor, geography, kids, blahblahbah. People who are looking to get married must realize that you don’t get EVERY SINGLE quality you’re looking for in a partner, but if you get most of them, you’re a very lucky person. My wife and I have similar libidos – closer to your boyfriend, for what it’s worth – so this is one thing that we didn’t have to compromise on. But we did compromise on religion, politics, geography, education, and a host of other things. This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

If you are insistent upon your partner having any quality that may be somewhat extreme – a man with a PhD (3%), a man who is a millionaire (4%), a man who runs marathons (.1%), etc – you are CHOOSING to limit your dating pool. There’s no judgment on you; but it will, by definition, take you a lot longer to find love.

One final point that you seem to have missed is this: you feeling lonely and rejected when he doesn’t want to have sex is YOUR decision. He’s still your boyfriend. He’s still attracted to you. He still sleeps with you. He just has a different biological makeup. It’s like being a chef who gets angry that his patrons don’t want to eat at 1pm after he just fed them a big lunch at 12pm. You can’t take this personally.

So once that’s off your head – and you stop judging him and judging yourself because you’re different, ask yourself: can I find happiness with this man or is sex important enough that I will continue searching for the man who a) can give it to me every night and b) also has all of the wonderful qualities of your current boyfriend.

You’re not wrong whichever way you choose, but it’s clear that the path of accepting your normal boyfriend is a surer route to a healthy relationship than blowing things up for a random guy with an equally high sex drive and keeping your fingers crossed that you’ll also love him VERY, VERY much.

Unless YOU don’t think so, in which case, I wish you the best of luck.

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  1. 61
    Hadley Paige

    RE: Ruby @ 59 “I don’t think of Cosmo as a fount of relationship knowledge.”
    I didn’t say it was. I suggested that its a good source for info on how a woman could improve her sexual game — increase how sexually attractive she is and increase her sexual skills.  Without getting too explicit about this, my current GF can “inspire me” when perhaps I may not be to hot to trot.
    Women have to take some responsibility for their man’s level of interest in sex with them.  She wants some? then lay the foundational groundwork for the guy to take that interest in her.  
    I am still waiting for that admission from someone.  Or is this yet another instance where its all the man’s fault?

  2. 62

    Hadley 56 and 59: You do not have the right to ask someone to write a post here that gratifies your viewpoint; nor to make an “admission” about something that neither we nor you know anything about.

    The OP’s letter suggests that she took responsibility in the first year to try to have her needs met; while in the latter two years, she has taken responsibility for trying to make her boyfriend comfortable. Beyond that, we can only speculate, unless the OP or her boyfriend chooses to jump into this conversation.

    I think other commenters here have made extremely valid viewpoints, even if they don’t always agree. Sex in relationships is indeed a complicated topic. 

  3. 63

    [email protected]: Well, good luck with your sex life if you think that just lying there and taking one for the team is good sex from a woman’s perspective. Ick.

  4. 64

    Hear, hear to Helen and Ruby! Thumbs down to Hadley Paige. Another ick. Grow up.

  5. 65

    @Ann #63

    Your reading comprehension leaves a lot to be desired. I won’t even bother since you obviously cherry picked that one aspect to apply it against me where i was simply making an observation i know exists. The rest of my comments, especially about my own feelings regarding the matter invalidate whatever stupidity you are trying to imply about my sex life.

  6. 66
    Hadley Paige

    RE: Ann @ 64: “Thumbs down to Hadley Paige. Another ick. Grow up. “
    Ann, thank you for your very insightful observations that eloquently and cleverly address the actual point I was making, as opposed to making a sophomoric & simplistic ad hominem attack.  You have really contributed to the discussion.
    I must tell the women readers of this blog that I find it really depressing that not a single woman reading this is willing to admit that in a relationship something as complex as the nature of their sexual dynamic is not all one person’s problem or responsibility. While in certain extreme & narrow dysfunctional instances I suppose that might be true. But the great majority of time each person in the dynamic has some responsibility for the dynamic.
    I suggested that the woman might take a look at herself and see what she can do to get where she wants to go (namely a more satisfying sexual experience). I am shocked to discover that that suggestion & the idea that the OP might take some responsibility for this dynamic is either roundly condemned or dismissed.
    If I said that my wife wasn’t interested in sex and “We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together “. you might ask what did I do to try to get her in the mood. “Nothing” says I. “ I just come home from work all sweaty & dirty with beer on my breath & I just try f-ck her, that’s all, and for some reason she’s not interested.”
    Do you think that I might approach the sex somewhat differently to get more of what I want?
    I see the situation w the OP as analogous. I ain’t saying she’s 100% responsible. I ain’t saying 50% (bc we don’t know the facts, we only know what the OP chooses to write) I am saying some of it is hers. Yet as reasonable as that might be, the suggestion goes over like a lead balloon here. Perhaps bc it is always easier (and less emotionally painful)  to blame someone else for your situation that to take personal responsibility for it.
    Well, I have made my point. Use it or don’t use it in your own relationship dynamic. Best of luck in maintaining a healthy relationship if you see these things in black & white, either/or, his fault or . . .  his fault.

  7. 67

    Hadley 66, I agree that ad hominem attacks should be avoided (of course, the fact that they exist is an unfortunate truth about the internet).  However, what you state in 66 is not what you stated previously, and now you are acting as though all women are stupid or ignorant for missing it. Previously, you deliberately wrote provocative statements about “An overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” – and then acted all surprised when women reacted to that.  THAT is silliness.

    If you want a reasonable discussion, you should start by avoiding such attacking, nasty comments about women – ANY woman – in the first place. 

    As for your statement “I must tell the women readers of this blog that I find it really depressing that not a single woman reading this is willing to admit that in a relationship something as complex as the nature of their sexual dynamic is not all one person’s problem or responsibility” – I don’t think any of us were stating that it was all the man’s fault, although that is how you chose to read it. Several people, including Katarina and myself, have even stated how complex this issue is.  Evan himself was not blaming either the OP or her boyfriend either; he implies in his response that this is not a situation in which blame can be so easily attributed to one or the other party. Whether they choose to split because of this incompatibility depends on how important it is to either party.

    It would do you well to not approach women as though you are their adversary, or they are yours. Start with an attitude of cooperation, of willingness to understand, and you might be surprised how willing we are to meet you halfway. 

  8. 68

    RE: Ruby @ 54  “I fail to see how the theory that the OP is now an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” could apply here “
    I didn’t say the OP is an overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit. I use that as an extreme example of how the “problem” of her man’s low sexual drive is related to how attractive he finds the woman who wants to get laid.
    But that the OP is an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit” is exactly what you implied. And that she should read Cosmopolitan to get her boyfriend in the mood. To you too, HP,  “thank you for your very insightful observations that eloquently and cleverly address the actual point I was making, as opposed to making a sophomoric & simplistic ad hominem attack.  You have really contributed to the discussion”, as well. 

  9. 69

    Ruby 68: You go, sister!
    I have really appreciated most of the comments here, from you, helene, Gem, Goldie, Katarina, Ann, and others. Some of the comments were laugh-aloud funny (from helene about the 7 veils, and Ann), but definitely drove home the point of sadness and frustration that can accompany this relationship issue.  In the end, I agree with Katarina: there is no point in “saving yourself” for marriage. It’s in both parties’ best interest to test how compatible you are in that realm, before you commit to a lifetime with someone with whom you may be incompatible.

  10. 70

    @ Hadley
    “I am shocked to discover that that suggestion & the idea that the OP might take some responsibility for this dynamic is either roundly condemned or dismissed.”
    I’m shocked that you have actually quoted this in the same comment:
    We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together.”

    and somehow think it supports your theory of the OP letting herself go. How do you think that worked “during the first year they were together”? you think he met an overweight, sweaty, bad-smelling woman with beer on her breath and said to himself, Yeah this is exactly what I want in a girlfriend. Let’s move in together and have a 3-year relationship!

    Look, your guess was as valid as any other, but for the OP and her BF, this is not the case. Nobody has let themselves go, at least based on the information that we have. Therefore, your advice is not helping.
    PS. Cosmo? seriously??? should we buy Tucker Max’s new book while we’re at it? It might have some equally good relationship advice too.

  11. 71
    Bethanne Headley

    [email protected]: Gotta side with Ann on this one. A non-aroused woman can lie there, if you call that “performing the act” of intercourse, but it will not be pleasurable. There are two important physical things that happen when a woman is aroused: 1) the vaginal area becomes lubricated, and 2) the cervix pulls back into the body cavity, allowing room for the penis to enter. If a woman is not aroused, the delicate skin in the genital area tears, which hurts. Also, if the penis bangs into the cervix–repeatedly, mind you–it hurts. It’s like getting kicked in the balls. Not sure why you think that a mechanical act of intercourse that leaves one partner in pain has any place in a mutual relationship–why you would even bring that up. You, too, have orifices that can be penetrated by penises, but no one is suggesting to you that you just give it up that way because physically this is possible.  

    Next point: Most women (70%) do not come from intercourse alone–they need clitoral stimulation. In a woman, the sexual organs include the tissues and nerves surrounding the vagina; in a man, the penis contains all of those sensitive tissues and nerves. So there isn’t a direct correlation between the penis and the vagina. You may think that sticking it in is enough, but only 30% of women will find that to be true. Therefore, a man can participate in the sex act if he can’t get it up, and most women will probably not be left wanting for the lack of penis action: he can still use his mouth and his hands to please her. You seemed to have left out these important activities and are focusing only on penetration, which is primarily about the man and not as much about the woman.

    So not sure what the Euro porn taught you. But I urge you to learn more about sex from authoritative sources rather than commercial fodder that is carefully designed to manipulate money out of your pocket.

    Great article in NYTimes about sex education, FYI:

  12. 73

    Bethanne 71: THANK YOU. I wish you could post this comment of yours everywhere and anywhere there is male readership on the topic. I’d heard an even higher statistic for women not turned on by intercourse: 80%.

  13. 74
    Bethanne Headley

    [email protected]: I was really grateful for this info, too, when I first heard/read it, so I try to pass it on. I feel so bad for my mom and women of other generations who didn’t have it–it must have been really hard for them to figure this stuff out, if they ever did. And men must be completely bewildered. Think of all of the heartache that sexual ignorance causes.

  14. 75

    @ Post 71
    I disagree with your statement that: “Most women (70%) do not come from intercourse alone–they need clitoral stimulation”, in my personal experience is the opposite and even worse I would say is around 90% that will have orgasm from intercourse. It’s just that it takes time and skills to reach that, if those studies were done to couples (specially the man) who have skills and know what they are doing I’m pretty sure the results will be around 90% of woman will have orgasm during intercourse.
    The timing is very important also, because the woman need to trust the guy and feel comfortable during intercourse without been nervous, anxiety and nervousness will kill an orgasm most of the time. That’s why giving a body massage to make her relax, foreplay to arouse her, and giving her compliments about her body will do wonders, since a lot of women (even pretty women with hot bodies) tend to have image issues or sex performance issues. That’s why timing is important, it takes weeks and sometimes months (depending of your skill level) to make a woman come from intercourse and better yet have body orgasm and squirt all over.
    I wish guys weren’t so selfish during sex, so they can experience the power of a woman orgasm, just the look at her eyes, her face expression, her body movement shaking uncontrollable and ultimately squirting all over you…. every time I ask a woman how does she feels when she has an orgasm, most of them say: It feels like you are in another planet, like you can see the moon and the stars. And trust me their expression says it all.

  15. 76

    I agree with answer #1.  Anything is worth breaking up over if it’s that important to you.  I think to an extent sex is important to everyone.  You just have to find that match that finds it as important.  The only problem my husband and I have is that occasionally it’s not at the same time, but we find ways to work it out.  If you find yourself going into the friend zone and thinking of other things when you are having sex probably a good idea to head into the friend zone so at least that doesn’t get ruined.

  16. 77

    If you are not satisfied, and never will be if things continue this way, you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest and end the relationship.
    I am on the other side of this scenario myself: I’m a woman with a low sex-drive, and my partner has a high sex-drive. I would be happy having sex once or twice a month. He wants it every time we see each other. We have been together for over 3 years.
    I feel like everything is fine during periods when he doesn’t mention it, but a few weeks or months will go by and eventually he has to express his sexual frustration, even if we have been having fabulous sex.. just not as often as he wants. This leaves me feeling inadequate and frustrated as well. I wish he would either decide to not let it bother him and interfere with our otherwise awesome relationship, OR break-up with me so that we don’t have to keep having this same annoying discussion over and over again. 
    I would rather be alone and single than with someone who will never be satisfied with me the way I am.

  17. 78

    I have the same problem, but my parter will only sleep with me once or twice a month! count yourself lucky I would be very very pleased with 5-9 times, if you want to split with him and you still get it that much then you can’t like him very much.

  18. 79

    I have the same problem with my husband when it comes to sex. We both think that something is wrong because I have a high sex drive and he has a low sex drive. I love him but he knows sexual contact is very important to me and to be honest was one of the many reasons why I married him. He thinks I married him for the sex but I had more sex before we became official. We talked yesterday and we have hidden issues within ourselves before we were married that affected our sexual life. I have thought about if I’m not satisfied leaving but truth is I can’t find anyone in this world like my husband. He is so charming, loving, humble, kind, shy, smart, sexy, puts me before himself and gives me everything I want (brand new car, new place to live and a vacation condo). I love him and why should I leave him for one thing when he loves me a million other ways that don’t evolve sex. So I would say if you can’t find those million ways in your bf then leave but if you do stay remember we aren’t perfect human beings. 

  19. 80

    I think the OP simply has to do a lot of soul searching in this.  Asking her questions on here is probably a good first step in her decision making, as the most importnt step towards solving the problem – talking with her partner about it – has apparently failed on several occasions.

    I have nothing but sympathy for her, as I am enduring the flip side of the same problem.  I’ve been with my wife for 12 years.  We have 3 young children and we both work full-time jobs.  This adds a lot of fatigue and stress to your life – apparently more s for her than myself, although I do carry my fair share of the work around the house and such.  The issue – she has practically no sex drive anymore – mine, however, is as bad as it was when I was 18, and I’m nearing 40.  Where there are times we make love once in a month, I’m the kind of person who would happily go for a couple times a day…I’m probably a bit abnormal – lol.  That is not to say that I pressure for that kind of frequency, but I’ve always tried to keep realistic, and go for 1 – 2 times per week.  The other problem is, I’m not one of these “quicky” people either – I’m very involved and romantic.  I’ve bought my wife thousands of dollars worth of lingerie, tried different little toys to try to help her get more into it, and truly do love her and find her unbelievably sexy – and on the rare occasions that she gets into it, she’s one of the best lovers I’ve had.  For me, a lot of my emotional attachment is connected to our love life.  Th frustrating part is, she was as high-libido as me for the first year we were together – then it pretty much ended after our first child was born, nd I became a room mate.  It has now escalated to a unhealthy wedge in the relationship.  She gets angry if I even try to broach the subject, and takes any efforts on my part as pressure.  It frustrates me because that physical connection also affects the emotional connection – both from me to her and from her to me. 

    To the op – I would never profess to have an answer to somoene else’s problem.  I will say this much – knowing what I know now, were I still in your situation, where there are no children to be considered (and they trump any issue that could arise from this issue between my wife and I), I would move on for both of your sakes.   

  20. 81

    glad i found this. my boyfriend and i argued this same arguement, and it aint worth it anymore. know that the amount of sex you crave has to do with just hormones. we cant all be the exact same. i love my boyfriend very much, and come to realize exactly what evan is saying is correct.

  21. 82

    Same struggles happened to me that my husband is totally a very low libido guy. Nearly 0 times per week. During 2 month I could have only 3 times sex, but even that sex was low quality. The thing that makes it worse for me is the way he tries to cover it and show that this is not permanent and he is only not able to have sex just because he is tired or stressed or exhausted. But the fact is that his job isn’t that stressful as he is mentioning. I came to the idea that he is only bringing excuses. 
    I also work and I have my own stresses and concerns, but it never affected my libido! I am somehow high in my sexual desires, that I want to have sex even everynight! I feel so down when I see my husband is not satisfying me in bed. He is a lover but for me sex and physical satisfaction is of high importance. He sleeps without paying attention to my desire, or he says he doesn’t want to start the sex because he does not want to dissapoint me! It gives me the feeling that he is not able to perform, also he never has enough drive to turn on. I tried many scenes and situations to see how he responds, but fails!
    After several discussions of why we are in this level with my husband and going to sex therapist and consultants, I came to the idea of leaving him. This is a personal decision and not persuading anyone, but to be realistic, I am high in my sex desire and I am sure my husband is giving me excuses just to keep me in his life, otherwise I am dissapointed at him getting any better, even abit of improvement from him still does not satisfy my desire!
    Many women here mentioned they are Ok with few sexes and were asking other women to forget having sex and just keep thinking about good parts of him! To me it sounds even funny, because in my opinion, the main and most impostant charactristic of a husband is to be strong and dominant in his sexual behavior. 
    A man who is with low libido and never initiates sex seems weak to me. These are my personal thoughts and do not want to offend anyone here. But it might be many women’s point of view. 
    My husband wants me to wait for him until he can fix himself and becomes high same as me, but to me with knowledge and experiences that I gained, it sounds impossible. I am pretty sure that if he is like this while he is 33 years old, he won’t get any better after this age. He says I should use toy and vibrator and he should use medicine to get erected until he can overcome his low libido issue. But this does not sound reasonable to me to help him fix his problem. I know a low drive guy will stay the same and I don’t think he can change his nature! 
    I hope I am true and I am confident enough to end this marriage as it hurts being untouched and unsatisfied for a long time with my husband. 

  22. 83

    are you absolutely sure that you do your fair share? I ask as people routinely overestimate what they do. My other suggestion is – get a cleaner. That might be a better investment than lingerie and sex toys. the division of chores is the Bermuda Triangle of many relationships.
    also sex twice a week when you have young children sounds not too bad. Assuming you are achieving that.
    many a woman’s sex drive will tank after a baby. I think it,s hard to go from mother to lover. And sometimes all the breastfeeding and cuddling is enough physical attention and she doesnt want more. i don,t think it,s personal if that helps (probably not)
    i,d be concerned too. Even though the boyfriend and I are waiting til marriage to have sex, assuming we get married, I,m in no doubt that he has a very healthy sex drive and, yes, that does bond us. Has your husband always been like this? has he been checked out physically?
    and to no one in particular, your partner,s sexual orientation may not be the same as yours.

    1. 83.1

      Yeah, Mary – I am.  I could toss the inverse out if we want to go the sexist route – little of any work maintaining vehicles – including a call for an oil change, is taken care of by my wife, nor any other of the “man’s jobs”, as she calls them.

      Yes, she is still my wife – a couple years after my original post.  Now, I live in the basement in our house.  I’ve learned that sex, physical, and emotional connections are all supposed to be on her schedule.  If I try to make an advance, she is too tired and needs to sleep…but she will stay up an hour later reading.  Other times, she’s not feeeling great, but then leaves to go for a jog or to go to the gym.

      I’ve read the writing between the lines – she doesn’t want me.  Now, on the rare occasions she actually wants intimacy, I refuse because I got so sick of trying and feeling lecherous because I wanted to be with her that I became embarrassed and ashamed.  Fuck it.  I would try to do things to make sure she climaxed when we made love, and she would stop me.  These occasions were rare enough as is, and meant a lot to me, but I get the impression from her she just wanted it over with.  She has my full endorsement to go find what she wants when the kids are older, since what she wants or needs is not what I have to offer, and me needs are not only something she couldn’t care less about, but appear to be an inconvenience to her.  I wish she would have made this clearer earlier on.

    2. 83.2

      And we have a cleaner.

  23. 84

    i have this same dillemma. my bf is fine having sex once a month and i prefer at least 3x a week. and whenever i initiate being sexually intimate i have to mentally prepare myself for a no everytimme. its really difficult because we want similar things in life and connect really well on other things but my needs arent being met. i feel constantly frustrated because to me, sex is an important way for me to feel close to my partner. it feels like i cant get one of my needs out of this relationship

  24. 85

    If sex is that important then you that it trumps all other qualities then break it off. Save him and yourself the trouble.   Once you have kids and more years invested into the relationship it will get harder to do this.  Keep in mind that sex drives do change throughout one’s life time..That said I have seen very unhealthy relationships in which the couples had a great sex life. These couple tended to stayed together partially for the sex.

  25. 86

    Sooo, I am 27 years old, a female, and have been dating my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now. I have the same EXACT problem! My boyfriend, who’s the same age as me,  has a very low sex drive!!! I’m lucky if I get it two times a month. Which is something that really bothers me. Plus, I always am the one to initiate it. If I didn’t, I honestly don’t think we would have sex. Period. I like have to ask him beforehand that way I don’t get shut down. I’ve tried to do it naturally, like just start kissing him, or rubbin on him, you kno the deal… buuut, He pulls back. He also doesn’t like french kissing! Which I love. …Not like wet, sloppy, kisses, but like passionate, intimate, longer kisses, you feel me? But not him, he like wants nothing to do with tongues 🙁 I could tell he even gets irritated when I ask him about it. I don’t know why he’s like this. This has been a constant problem since our first year together. And I’d even be happy with once a week!! I’d rather a few times a week but you can’t have everything you want. Once a month is not cutting it. But other than this issue, there really isn’t any other issues as far as our relationship goes. Basically, we are best friends that sleep in the same bed and it drives me nuts. I think about it everyday. He is also a recovering drug addict and says he feels he only wants to have sex when he is high and he doesn’t know why. That makes me feel like shit. I feel inadequate, definitely not sexy at all…the list goes on. But still the more, I FREAKING love him. He’s got a great job, he’s supercute, we laugh together, support each other 100%. Plus, he’s really trying to stay sober. But with a cost. I think that’s a cop out. I’m also struggling with the same substance abuse issues and never stopped wanting to have sex w him. So I find myself constantly wondering in my head if this is something that I want to deal with for the rest of my life. And I haven’t made a decision. But I’m definitely deprived. What’s a girl to do!? HELP!

  26. 87
    David T

    @Katie 86
    Sex deprivation and lack of intimate touch is a bummer.  I miss those things and am grateful there are other things that make life wonderful. Sounds like you are almost satisfied with your relationship and if you can resolve this situation one way or another, you are golden.

    He is also a recovering drug addict and says he feels he only wants to have sex when he is high and he doesn’t know why. That makes me feel like shit.

    I am sorry you feel down on yourself. This is not about you or your value. This is about him.  This is not because he is not attracted to you when he is straight (not a beer goggles thing). If that was the case he would have left you when he became sober. This has to do with a block in his mind that, when he is high, disappears or becomes unimportant.
    He might have some deep seated guilt or insecurity surrounding sex that the drugs make evaporate. He might not even know what it is, or he might feel too ashamed to share it with you. In a loving way, tell him how this makes you feel. Tell him you are not angry and love him, and how this problem makes you feel inadequate and sad. Ask him to help you fix this part of your relationship.

    His sobriety is important, and if you care about him you will help him keep to it. I am no therapist, sexual or otherwise, but perhaps a professional will be able to help him overcome whatever is eating at him. Whether you can  stick around while he tries to work it out with no way of knowing how long it will take or even if it will succeed at all is a difficult decision you have to make for yourself.  At your age you still will find it relatively easy to find a new life partner if you choose to move on.

    You have been together quite a long time and normally should be talking about marriage if that is a goal of yours, but your relationship has a feature that regularly hurts you profoundly. You must resolve it. Otherwise, it will eat away at the mutual support and happiness you two share create together.  I encourage you to make peace with this problem, either by acceptance that you just are not going to have as much sex as you want or by him healing himself.
    Maybe he can please you and make you feel wanted in other ways while he works through this?  If he cares and understands the distress this has you in, he will do that. The trick is to talk to him about this without making him defensive or upset or feel inadequate himself.  You love him in spite of this.  Make sure he knows that.

  27. 88

    Thanks for your follow up David. I really appreciate you taking time out of ur day to respond. You made some good points there. I will heed ur advice and have a sit down with him and try to explain what turmoil this has got me in in the nicest way possible.. I’ve chatted with him before. So its no mystery to him. It seems like he hasn’t done too much to change the situation even after I’ve told him time and time again. 🙁

  28. 89

    Katie I’m in the same boat as you. Trust me, after being married for 6 years and I am the highly sexual one and she is low, it will make you more miserable down the road. My wife is perfect on every way but we alway fight about sex. i feel like I am sleeping in the same bed with my best friend as well. After soul-searching, we are going to divorce. We are still best friends, but I need to have sex with a gorgeous woman 3 times a day whereas my wife says she can go years without sex and be happy. I wish I can find a woman like you who has a very high sex drive. i think ill go become like a wild beast releases from being chained up for so long. AAAARRGGHHH!!!

  29. 90

    Run! Over the years it will get worse and to the point where you won’t have sex at all. I had the same situation with my ex-husband, he just was not into it. I was irritated, mad and envied my girlfriends who told me about their sex life. I felt unattractive and not sexual, gained weight and stopped caring about myself because what’s he point? He was a very good man but I was just dying inside…

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