Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

Men look for sex - women look for love
Hi Evan,

I’ve been online dating for a while now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for “friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,


Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don’t know what they want.

Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-“, “He says he loves me, but-“, “We had an amazing date, but-“. One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

  • 1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?
  • 2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?
  • 3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
  • 4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”

Men look for sex and find love women look for love and find sexSorry. We’ve got a different truth.

The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.

Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you’re done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,


Join our conversation (513 Comments).
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  1. 31

    A man may want you; but does he want you enough to be exclusive first and committed to that exclusivity. Can he embrace your emotions as well as your body? You shouldn’t have to wonder who else he’s with or who the chatty Patty is that’s texting him.

    A man may say he respects you; but does he respect you enough to honor you and make you number one, before he gets his physical needs met? His seeing additional women brings you no honor but shame.

    A man may say he loves you; but does he love you enough to make you his one and only for the rest of his life? Or would he prefer to just shack up with you in the name of his undying love?

    If not, then you know who you’re dealing with; and it’s entirely your call. Just don’t count on getting any more than your physical needs met.

  2. 32


    I totally agree with your idea of dating multiple men. I do the same thing, it helps me to not obsess about one guy. Plus, I think it might up the odds of actually meeting someone compatible, and eliminates the problem of spending too much time with the wrong guy.

    I have one guy who is all wrong for me as a booty call and several people that I continually date currently. It’s way easier this way, and if I meet someone with whom I know I undoubtedly share mutual interest, then I will commit but until then, forget it. I won’t waste my time anymore.

  3. 33

    I agree with Michelle.

    What is not there before sex will also not be there after the sex.

    And this: Many men want to sleep around with as many women as possible, because that seems to be man-ego-uplifting. But when it comes to LTR they prefer women who are virgin or practically virgin.

    Isn’t that weird??

  4. 34

    On post #32,

    Lila has a good “system” going..hhmmmhh..

  5. 35

    on post #33,

    Not all men like virgins for a LTR…

  6. 36

    to Anisa on post #26

    I like what you said, “They lack the looks to catch a good looking woman.” hhhmmmhh, looks don’t matter if she, needs to be rescued, usually, financially…..OMG!…….

  7. 37

    I think this topic is fascinating.

    To Milena (post # 25)

    I think I am a little more optimistic than you. I believe that there are men who are not dogs. But you have to search very carefully for them, with a candle. And see the rest of them as victims. Victims of their own ego.

    And I think maybe I agree with you about Evans point of view. Although I like to read his blog, in my opinion he shows more respect for the phisical needs of men and less for the emotional needs of the women. That’s a pity. But you can’t blame him…he is a man.

  8. 38

    It’s been my experience that very few of the men I’m attracted to are willing to date a woman for 3 or 4 months (or even weeks, if they’re seeing each other frequently) without sleeping with her. I use the 3-4 month time frame, because I think that’s minimally how long it takes to really get to know someone and broach the topic of exclusivity for most couples. It seems like around date 3, men give the “if you won’t sleep with me, I’ll find someone who will” speech, or you just never hear from them again. I assume this is because of the touted “three date rule” that many women used to espouse.

    It’s nice to say that if a man won’t wait to sleep with you, he’s not worth dating, but this certainly seems to shrink the dating pool considerably, and it doesn’t sound realistic in today’s society.

    I can find “nice,” but socially awkward and sexually inexperienced guys who are willing to wait as long as I want, but frankly, I’m a little out of their league, and I’m not interested in dating them.

    Is there no middle ground? How about a sexually experienced guy who appreciates that I like sex too, but would prefer to wait a little to share it? Who understands waiting for sex is not blackmail or manipulation, just a little common sense? What happened to the old fashioned art of seduction and courting. I don’t think historically men were always able to gratify their “I want what I want in the moment” philosophy. Did the women’s liberation movement “screw the pooch” so to speak by making it too easy for men to skip the romance step?

    1. 38.1

      Stop blaming feminism and women’s lib for this. Women’s lib had nothing to do with enabling casual sex – that was the “Sexual Revolution” of the 60’s, which was an invention of Baby Boomer men, when women were told that they should stop being so “hung up” and give it away to any man that wanted it or endure bullying and guilt.  In fact, Feminism and Women’s lib was a reaction to that crap.

    2. 38.2

      Guys don’t want to wait because we have come to realise that when a woman  is really attracted to you she doesn’t want you to wait. And many of us have expereienced the situation where, while we ware waiting to have sex with her, she is having sex with some guy who really turns her on.

      1. 38.2.1
        Emily, the original

        People have sex for all different kinds of reasons (see the list below from Psychology Today). If a woman has sex with a man right away, it can be because she’s really turned on by him but it may not be.


        Physical reasons.

        Under this broad umbrella, we find: (1) tension relief (search on YouTube for the Peaches song ‘%$# the pain away’); (2) pleasure (sometimes it is pure hedonism despite the prudish scientists who downplay the benefits); (3) physical desirability (simply, we find our partner to be hot); and (4) experience-seeking (improving and practicing your sexual skills).

        Goal attainment.

        Under this broad umbrella, we find: (5) resources (trying to obtain the objects of our desires);  (6) social status (concerns about what other people think and our reputation—see our study on what people high in social anxiety gain from mind-blowing sexual escapades); (7) revenge (the desire to hurt somebody—which has an evolutionary basis); and (8) utilitarian (using sex to gain an advantage in a relationship or life domain).

        Emotional reasons.

        Under this broad umbrella, we find: (9) love and commitment (a way to maintain a secure, deep attachment); and (10) expression (one of the ultimate ways of communicating, at least with one’s romantic partner).


        Under this broad umbrella, we find: (11) self-esteem boost (a strategy to gain a modicum of strength and power); (12) duty/pressure (anything from obligation or coercion by another person); and (13) mate guarding (doing the deed to ward off poachers).

  9. 39

    To Anisa (post # 37)

    I also believe that there are men who are not dogs but these man might not be compatible with me or there might not be any sparks in the air.
    I would not call them victims I would call them dogs. I love dogs but a dog is only a dog. You cannot expect much from him. A good training might help, so you better pick up a breed that has a reputation for being smart. lol

    I do not know and will never understand why Evan and the rest of male’s word justify their dishonesty. Why the physical needs of men are more important then emotional needs of the women?

    What if woman started to lie to man in order to have womans’ emotional needs fulfill?
    I can say to a guy yes we are in a relationship but at the same time I can be in other relationships with other man so all my emotional/other needs can be fulfill.

    Man are aware that they hurt woman and their behavior is jerky. When it comes to their sisters, mothers, and daughters, all of sudden man can see very clearly that leading/lying in order to get sex is not cool and there is no justification for it.

  10. 40

    To Cilla

    It’s been your experience that very few of the men that you are attracted to are willing to date a woman for 3 or 4 months (or even weeks, if they’re seeing each other frequently) without sleeping with her.

    What kind of guys do you like? and what do you mean frequently? like twice a week?
    I do not think is so hard. Once I find a guy that I am attracted to and he is to me usually he is willing to wait. But I do not meet with them more then once or twice a week.

  11. 41

    Milena (post # 39)
    I also think that Evan, because he is a man, likes to tell women that it is smart to compromise with the needs of the men. He is not that likely to teach men to consider the feelings and emotions of women. If he would do so I think no men would read his blog anymore. And it is a pity that many women are so insecure of themselves to act in the way a certain man prefer at a certain moment. Which is never contructive to their selfesteem. Men are allowed (encouraged) to do their “thing” and women are considered to modify their emotions and feelings and to brainwash theirselves to let things happen. Where is the balance??

  12. 42
    Karl R

    Anisa said: (#41)
    “I also think that Evan, because he is a man, likes to tell women that it is smart to compromise with the needs of the men.”

    I don’t think that’s the point Evan is trying to make.

    Sunday night I was walking home from a jazz performance with a woman I’ve been dating for several weeks. During our conversation, I told her that thought she was cute and enjoyed spending time with her, but I didn’t expect our relationship to last over the long term because of the age difference between us. She responded, “I thought the same thing about the age difference, but I didn’t feel comfortable bringing up the topic.”

    NEWS FLASH: I didn’t feel comfortable bringing up the topic either. I felt completely uncomfortable about bringing up the topic.

    Following the conversation, she’s still interested in dating (non-exclusively), and she’s still interested in physical intimacy. Getting things out in the open allowed me to continue to enjoy her company, and continue to date women that might be better matches for LTRs, and maintain my integrity. All I had to do was bring up an uncomfortable topic of conversation. (However, I’m still worried that she might become too attached.)

    Evan likes to tell women and men that they can’t control the other person in the relationship. If you want to know where things stand (or if you want your partner to know where things stand), you can’t wait for the other person to bring up the topic. You have to bring up the uncomfortable topic yourself.

    Milena said: (#39)
    “Man are aware that they hurt woman….”

    This is not a fairy tale. People get hurt while dating — even when everyone has the best intentions and acts with integrity. I wasn’t very good at dating until I accepted the fact that I would get hurt repeatedly while dating. Once I decided that I could consciously take the risk of getting hurt, my dating life got much better.

    The women I date are mature adults. I assume that they are fully capable of consciously choosing to take the same risks that I do. It would be nice if they never got hurt. But I accept the reality that they might. More importantly, I respect them enough to allow them to make that choice for themselves.

  13. 43

    So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

    Tell the truth… I want sex & fun for one night for a few weeks… or what have you… that would be how to navigate with integrity. Find women who are only interested in a fling. You will be rejected some of the time… (probably less than you should because many women have such low self esteem.)… and you deserve to be rejected by someone who really wants more than that.

    Most intelligent women can tell when a man is lying about this anyway. Sex as a power play of this sort is boring at best. If all you’re offering is sex… without anything else… that’s not really much to offer. Remember… we are women… we can generally get sex much more easily than men can.

    And the same goes for women, because men aren’t the only ones who behave this way… tell the truth.

    Women… take back your sexual power… you have been beaten down by centuries of patriarchal oppression… you are the ones with the power. Don’t let men walk all over you. Demand what you want from them in a relationship and accept nothing less.

  14. 44

    Very well said Queen!

    T Karl R: Just curious: how much was the woman older than you? Or was she much younger? and why should that be a problem?

  15. 45
    Karl R

    Anisa (#44),

    The woman is 11 years younger than me. She’s in her late 20’s; I’m in my late 30’s. It’s not purely an age issue. We’re at different stages of our lives, and there are differences in our maturity levels. To give one example, she’s living with her parents. I haven’t lived with my parents in over 20 years.

    Age isn’t necessarily an issue with that kind of age spread (in either direction), but the potential for it to be an issue is reasonably high … at least based on my past experiences. Among other things, the age difference created a power imbalance. The relationship wasn’t among equals (which is what I prefer). Either the older person had substantially greater influence over the relationship, or there was a perception that the older person had greater influence.

  16. 46

    ” I accept the reality that they might. More importantly, I respect them enough to allow them to make that choice for themselves.”

    …and to quote another famous player I know, “and what they do with their emotions is on them.”

    Or perhaps better stated: As long as they are willing to put out, if their heart is getting torn in two, that is their problem, as long as I’m fine and getting my needs met! Is more like it!

    What a crock…who needs communal cock or glock anyhow!

  17. 47

    to Queen on post #43,

    Really? A man can walk up to a woman and ask for a one night fling, and get one?……hhhmmmhh..LOL!…I don’t believe you…….If this statement were true, the marriage institution would no longer exist.

  18. 48

    To Karl

    I mean that man hurt woman intentionally, their are dishonest . They hide their real motives. It is acting without integrity.

    I do not care if they want to have sex and fun that is fine but ling, misleading etc. is wrong.

    Listen honey. woman and man accept the reality that might get hurt. In dating and other areas of life.

    Life is risky almost every single activity involve risk to be hurt. I am not sure that I understood you. Are you giving man
    a license to hurt others or act without any consideration or integrity just because ” being hurt” is a part of life.

  19. 49

    Hi Michelle, on post #46

    A famous player really said that?…..huh…Do you mean like, a successful(wealthy) player?………That kind will never bow to servitude in a relationship.

  20. 50
    Karl R

    Michelle: (#46)
    Let me turn the situation around. Let’s say we meet online (it could happen) and start dating. After dating for a few weeks, I’ve decided that you’re wonderful and want a long-term relationship with you. But you’ve decided that I’m not really your type, and you’d rather not continue the relationship.

    Under those circumstances, it’s likely that my feelings will be hurt when you break things off. Is it your fault if my “heart is getting torn in two”?

    As long as you acted with integrity (i.e. you didn’t deceive me during the relationship and you weren’t malicious when you broke things off), I would say that my pain is not your fault.

    You might feel bad that I got hurt (I certainly feel bad when a woman I’ve been dating gets hurt), but you can’t base your relationship decisions around that. Would you stay in a relationship with a man that you didn’t like just to avoid hurting his feelings? Would you avoid getting into a relationship in the first place to avoid the chance of hurting his feelings?

    And if you even suspect that the person your dating is a player who has no regard for your emotions, don’t “put out”.


    Milena: (#46)
    I think my above comments pretty much answered your question, and it sounds like we basically agree on that point.

    To put it explicitly, I’d like to see everyone act with integrity, but I recognize some people won’t. There’s nothing I can do about that.

    Regarding “permission” in this sort of circumstance, I had to give a couple of my ex-girlfriends my permission to stop feeling guilty that I might have gotten hurt when they broke things off with me. (Their guilt lasted a lot longer than my pain.)

  21. 51
    Karl R

    hunter said: (#47)
    “Really? A man can walk up to a woman and ask for a one night fling, and get one?”

    Yes, men can do it. The technique is called shotgunning. Walk around a bar and ask enough women to have sex with you, and one of them will say yes. The better looking you are, the fewer the number of women you’ll need to ask. If you’re a 6 or lower in the looks department, this might not work for you.

    Regardless of your looks, you will get slapped by some of the women.

    “LOL! I don’t believe you.If this statement were true, the marriage institution would no longer exist.”

    You think people get married in order to have sex? A well known comedian said, “Getting married for sex is like buying an airplane for free peanuts. If that’s what you want, there’s cheaper ways to get it.”

  22. 52

    to Karl,

    Yes, I have heard women say most single men are a 6 and lower.

    On the second response, how true!….I have heard that almost 30% of marriages are sexless…..

  23. 53

    to Hunter,

    It seems to me that you can not see the difference between sex and love. I wonder why you are so very cynic and pessimistic about this issue.
    If you don’t believe in life lasting bond between a man and a woman based on love and trust, I doubt you will find it.
    But it seems to me you are not looking for that or have you give up hope already?

  24. 54

    Anisa, aaahhh, you are a sweetheart……. I am like the parrot, I only repeat what I hear. I mean, what do I know?…..

  25. 55

    to Hunter,

    May I quote you?

    #13: Your two friendships won’t get complicated, until, you have sex with them.
    #19: I don’t think they earn time in the sack, that is why they are called nice guys.
    #24: ..usually the married women that need to be financially rescued(and who wants one of those?) or if they are single, in a much smaller pool of availability.if things were as you say, we wouldn’t hear herds of single men howling in the streets at 2:00a.m., on weekends, after the bars close..
    #36: looks don’t matter if she, needs to be rescued, usually, financially..
    #47: I don’t believe you.If this statement were true, the marriage institution would no longer exist.
    #49: Do you mean like, a successful(wealthy) player? That kind will never bow to servitude in a relationship.
    #52: I have heard that almost 30% of marriages are sexless..
    So, I don’t think this is just a parrot repeating. This is someone who “knows” a lot and has a strong (and also cynic and pessimistic)opinion. And who also has a very conspicuous way to look at women and relationships.

    But maybe this is too personal for this discussion.

  26. 56

    Karl R (#50),

    To answer your question in earnest, no I would not stay in a relationship not hurt a guys feelings.

    Neither would I start that relationship by talking about being married, and telling him he was different from any other guy I ever knew. I wouldn’t tell him I thought he was gonna be married, and ask him where he might like to spend his honeymoon?

    I wouldn’t show up to his church, sign up for classes there. Go on long walks, bike rides, picnics, and have repeated tender all night embracing intimate sex with him. Then once he told me he loved me, inform he I am doing two other guys and only wanted FWB, knowing full well he would do anything for me at this point.

    Then once he agreed (which perhaps a guy even in love would never do), however bare with me…Once he agreed I couldn’t let things go on knowing he was completely in love with me, just as much as the other two guys I was doing and continue to live in my own skin!

    You see girls don’t just put out…they usually get sucked in once they are emotionally hooked and physically addicted to the oxytocin or whatever. Then there’s that crazy little thing called love, that can make you do anything for that person. Only those who have been there know what I am talking about.

    I am just glad I finally woke up fro the 2yr. spell I was under and
    am able to see a brighter future and a better day!

    Hunter(#49) I’m sorry I should have said ‘infamous’, or ‘notorious’~but definitely not wealthy!

  27. 57

    Comment: Michelle #56

    Girlriend! You have hit the proverbial nail on the HEAD! I had the same sh*t happen to me as you have described. I was devastated. HELLO! Did that f**ker need to start telling me after one month that he was in love with me? Hell, no. I told him to stop, but NO, that a-hole was on a mission to suck me in. After a while, you are right, the whole oxywhatsis kicks in and our own DNA just screws us over. Is there a way to override that crap? Cause if so, I want a prescription! LOL. I love you Michelle, you’re hysterical!

  28. 58

    Comment:ROBIN (#57)

    His name didn’t happen to be Greg did it?
    Because sure enough one of the other two girls i mentioned was named Robin!….Hmmm???

  29. 59

    Comment: Michelle #58

    No, you can rest your mind…I was the hapless victim of another one named Robert. The place is just littered with ’em girlfriend… LOL

  30. 60

    Comment: Robin (#59)

    Good 2 know!~Lol I believe Robin is still under the oxytocin spell anyhow!

    As far as the litter situation is concerned, I believe they must all subscribe to the same narcissistic manual! All I can say is ladies wanting a relationship keep your wits about you from the jump, and call them on the exclusivity clause (before hand) or no dice. Then stand your ground no matter what or walk away (or should I say RUN)~ if need be!!

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