Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

Men look for sex - women look for love
Hi Evan,

I’ve been online dating for a while now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for “friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,


Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don’t know what they want.

Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-“, “He says he loves me, but-“, “We had an amazing date, but-“. One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

  • 1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?
  • 2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?
  • 3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
  • 4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”

Men look for sex and find love women look for love and find sexSorry. We’ve got a different truth.

The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.

Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you’re done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,


Join our conversation (513 Comments).
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  1. 61

    In Response to Michelle from Comment #60,

    In a way, I agree with you when you say, ” . . . . ladies wanting a relationship keep your wits about you from the jump, and call them on the exclusivity clause (before hand) or no dice.”

    But I think it’s really hard to ask for exclusivity if a couple has only dated 3 or 4 times. Then one might think, better to hold off on the sexual intimacy, until everyone is comfortable with exclusivity, but I don’t think this is necessarily effective either. Seems like there is an element of “gambling” on a guy to see if he works out to be relationship material.

  2. 62

    to anisa on #55,

    Cynic and pessimistic? OMG!………..Conspicuous…..hhmmmhh…..I used to have an instant response for almost anything I heard,,,,when I was a teenager…

  3. 63

    To Lynn (#61)

    I don’t care how many times you dated. If he starts wanting to get down to business and become sexually intimate, you have every right to put your prerequisites out on the table. It’s a matter of speak now or forever hold your peace…believe me!

    I am saying if you choose to go ahead and be intimate with a man, before making exclusivity the prerequisite, you loose all bartering chips! I waited till afterwards to say I won’t share, and he knew that was a joke!-Trust me I said NEVER and I learned the hard way: NEVER say NEVER, because you just don’t know what you’re capable of till you’re there!

    Anyhow the only way to for a man to show he wants you (and only you) as bad as he says, is to make him prove it first! That includes making sure he deletes all the chics numbers in his cell phone, and and his exes are really his exes and his friends are not all women with benefits.

    If a guy really wants you as bad as he says, trust me those gals need 2 be history, or you’ll just wind up another one of them, who he either disrespects or recycles, or he’ll walk all over you and won’t take you seriously. And you will be so strung out on oxytocin you wont’ be able to do jack, and you’ll only be fighting an uphill battle to get him to see the light, which ain’t ever gonna happen. Feel me?

  4. 64

    That’s some dogmatic thinking.

  5. 65

    @Michelle (#63): the problem with telling a guy that he has to take the gamble and cut all other women out of his life completely (while you apparently watch him delete numbers from his cell phone, which seems a little over the top and potentially psychotic to me, as I’m sure it would to most men) before you’ll sleep with him, is that it’s really no different from him asking you to take a gamble and sleep with him before the exclusivity talk before he’ll cut those other women out of his life. As long as both parties are being so rigid, no one’s ever going to find anything out.

    It seems to me that the appropriate compromise is a) the woman gives up a little bit on her perspective by not attaching so much meaning to the first few months of the relationship, regardless of whether it’s sexual, and b) the man gives up a little bit on his perspective by using a condom until everyone’s been tested 3-6 months after you HAVE agreed to become exclusive. The way you suggest is only going to lead to him thinking you’re crazy or you ending up with a doormat. Neither really appeals to me.

  6. 66

    Honey (#65)

    I am only advocating for those who are looking for a relationship that is connected and functional and not just at the pelvis.

    A guy usually pushes for sex and doesn’t spend enough time exploring the actual potential relationship. As long as both parties are having hot sex on a regular basis, no one is gonna find out much that way either, except how much they enjoy the thrill of titanic chemistry!

    As far as the cell phone thing goes: How can a woman take a guy seriously who is texting and talking to other women in her presence, and who maintains emotionally intimate (and/or sexual) relationships with other women. Is it so irrational (or psycho) to insist he sever all ties if he wants her to take him seriously, and not just spread her legs for the sake of exploration?

    BTW. Condoms can slip off inside and/or break, in case you’ve never had the experience (not too appealing)! And neither does it appeal to me to have to get tested for STD’s in 3-6 month as you describe.

  7. 67

    Michelle (66), I’m just wondering what his incentive is to trust you if you’re assuming the worst about him from the beginning? And even if you and the guy decide to be exclusive, you need to get tested before you decide to be exclusive and again 3-6 months in anyway, and once a year after that. That’s just taking care of your health.

    I guess the thing I am reacting negatively too is treating an individual guy (that you like and are thinking about committing to) like an entire group of slimeball guys (who aren’t even in the majority anyway). More guys are nice than not. More guys will respect your decision than not. I think you can achieve the results you want in a playful, productive way that isn’t so bitter and confrontational.

    I had sex with my boyfriend on our first date and he never went on another one! We are over 2.5 years in, living together and saving for a wedding. That never would have happened if I had acted in the way you describe.

  8. 68

    Michelle and others,

    your convictions do not demonstrate power, only weakness.

    Any attempt at control is always a manifestation of frailty of one’s psyche.

  9. 69

    Comment: JuJu #68

    I really like your comment JuJu.

    If I could add to that, I would say, more specifically, that any attempt to control another person’s actions comes from a place of fear, not a place of love or inspiration, and therefore is doomed to failure.

    When a person is very confident in who they are, they don’t have a need to control anyone. And anyway, the only thing we can truly control is our our behavior.

    Pick friends and lovers who lift you up emotionally. That’s the way to get more confident. Then you will fly. You will have no more use for these kind of low-vibrational creatures anymore. LOL

  10. 70

    I do not try to control anyone’s actions. I only set healthy boundaries for myself and make sure they are respected by others. However, I no longer allow anyone to manipulate my emotions. I am not fearful or bitter, just wiser from the wear. I live my life with arms wide open and my motto is always the best is yet to come!

  11. 71

    If women would respect each other and each others opinion a little more, it would help also.
    I don’t like the judging part in Juju’s 68:”…. demonstrate only weakness.” and “….. is always a manifestation of frailty of one’s psyche.
    I think it is Michelle’s experience and her point of view. I think she has a point.
    Very few men are likely t o commit, in general. Most of the free guys are free because they are not likely to commit. And they will not commit because the quality of the sex. If they get the sex without commitment they have even less reasons to commit.
    Honey was lucky. Her partner was a guy who was willing and ready to commit anyway. Not because of the sex.
    It is always a combination of the true intentions and the chemistry.

  12. 72

    I agree with JuJu and Robin. Being wary of the motives of others is different from trying to exert pre-emptive control over someone when you do not yet have a right or expectation to do so.

  13. 73

    To anisa on post #71,

    I think you left out of your list two types of men that don’t commit, the type that is just simply, “uninformed”. Herds of men were never told about their sexuality.(some head shrinks don’t know how to handle this kind, really….) Also how about the kind that was traumatized as a youngster, disabling/emotionally paralyzing/castrating him emotionally, as an adult.

  14. 74

    Thanks for the support, guys. =)

    BTW, Robin, your “heart of glass” comment in another thread made me recall this quote, how we treat our bodies so destructively, yet are ever so protective of our feelings – the one thing that can never get sick, deteriorate, break, or die.


  15. 75

    “so protective of our feelings, the one thing that can never get sick, deteriorate, break or die.” What an interesting statement. I have to write this in my book of “quotes”.

  16. 76

    Oke Hunter (post 73), now we are talking! (and post 75)
    I always wondered: Why are so many “self-coaching” books written for women, while men are also (maybe even more) in need for “reparation”?
    A young woman told me a while ago: “the fact is: a woman can repeatedly recover after a broken-heart. But men…..their heart can break only once ……..”

    1. 76.1

      perfectly said

  17. 77

    Jeeze Louise, I’m not going to quantify the number of comments above, but the overall tone of this thread is that men are so inferior for not approaching things as women do.

    Perhaps neither paradigm is right. Perhaps neither is wrong. But assuming your way is the only way in this arena seems a bit limiting (and potentially very off putting).

    OTOH, it’s nice to see some acknowledging dating for the bartering transaction it’s historically been…

  18. 78

    on post #76

    Some men are crushed after getting out of a relationship.(some won’t bare their soul, while in a relationship)

  19. 79

    So many men, proudly claiming to be a hunter.
    In fact, they are a victim ………

  20. 80

    Oh this is rich, LOL! Adultfriend finder is too sleazy, but keeping one’s mouth shut to get laid is just “being in the moment”? Listen guys, I truly don’t mean that as a dig, because they are plenty of disingenuous women out there, too. What I am saying is a woman is wise to take what a guy says with a grain of salt until she sees action that backs it up. Like Evan says in another post, don’t do anything. Sit back and see what he does. Ladies, you are in no way obligated to have sex with a man if you don’t want to. And if he rejects you for it, it’s his problem NOT YOURS!

  21. 81

    I will step out on the proverbial “limb” and agree with vino on the point he makes about “assuming your way is the only way” correct, even though that is a reality we don’t really like to face. I know I’m not Evan and I’m not the dating coach, but ladies, I want to get across that you do have power; is it to change him? No. Does power mean it always goes your way? Nope. Wisdom is knowledge and knowledge is power. Anytime a dating situation doesn’t go the way you want it to, you are free to leave it. Look, I’m not being critical; I’ve done what a lot of women do. Real power comes in accepting you can’t change someone but knowing you have the freedom to walk away from that which you do not believe is good for you.

  22. 82

    This subject is so fascinating to me that I keep coming back to it because I’ve been mulling it over and I keep getting these little revelations. I go back to Robin’s #2 post. While I understand the spirit of the question, what’s to change? Women are relational creatures, and the desire to love a man and be loved by a man is a legitimate desire. Yes, we do need them which is why God created them. But like all things, it’s to be approached with wisdom. Proverbs 4:23 says, “keep thy heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life”. Realize that while we love men, the real “meat and potatoes” of life are our relationships with our families and friends. That is the first place to turn for our emotional and relational needs. Am I saying that men are irrevelant? Absolutely not. But until you know his intentions, guard your hearts. You can be warm and open while still being self-protective. It about balance.

  23. 83

    on post #79

    Oh, yes, we are victims…….we are only tough on the outside……OMG!….

  24. 84

    And what do victims do? ………
    They make victims …….

  25. 85

    RE: 83 84: LOL! Play nice kids!

    I what Evan says that man feels like he’s in a “Catch 22” when it comes to looking for sex and finding love and men are just being in the moment. We can spend countless hours refuting the morality or the logic of it, which is pointless because it won’t change. And it is equally true that women face the same thing. On the one hand, if she does not agree to sex without exclusivity, that situation will probably not go anywhere. On the other hand, if she does agree, she will probably lose the man’s respect for compromising, being seen as easy, needy, or whatever. So, the $64 is how reconcile the differences.

  26. 86

    That would be “I see what Evan says” and “$64 thousand dollar question” . I thought I had proofread that well enough. I must be tired from staying up working on my paper.

  27. 87


  28. 88

    Starthrower on post #81

    You said, “Wisdom is knowledge and knowledge is power”. Many times I wonder if r’ships are all about “knowledge/Information”……hhhmmh.

  29. 89

    To react on your “wondering”, Hunter:

    It is all about knowledge about chemistry, DNA, your self-esteem, your history, expectations, risks, morals, ego’s(!), weaknesses, strenghts, humanity, energy’s, motivation, responsibility (!), wishes, desires, dreams, common sense, persistence, Mars, Venus, etc. etc. etc….. too much for one lifetime.

    and please don’t react with “OMG!…..” 🙂

  30. 90

    I re-read the question and Evan’s answer, and I realized that a lot of men — not all — do tell women what they want — through both words and actions. I think many women just ignore what they don’t like.

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