Men Say No to Sex More Than You Think

a man refusing to have sex with his woman
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The old stereotype where the man wants sex and the woman says she has a headache/stomachache/early day tomorrow might not be as accurate as you think. Seems men are turning women down, too.

An article by a female author in GQ explores this idea.

She writes, “To be fair (and painfully obvious): Men are human, too. You guys have feelings and problems and hungers that sometimes take precedence over boning. Maybe you had too many beers and are experiencing acute alcohol-related performance anxiety. Or maybe your not-in-the-moodness has to do with something bigger: the ubiquity of porn–effortlessly consumed like a drive-through value meal–or some existential male malaise that Zach Braff will surely explore in his next movie.”

Or, as is much more likely, we’re just tired and not particularly inspired to do the exact same thing to the exact same person again. Steak is great. You just wouldn’t want to eat it every single night. You know what I’m saying?

The author accidentally stumbles into an excellent point: the idea that, since it doesn’t cost a guy very much and it keeps you happy, he should just get it up and please you. “Just try saying yes to us more often. Even if you’re a little tired. Even if Mumford & Sons are doing that namby-pamby forest jig thing you like so much on Fallon. (DVR, dude.) We’ll be happier, so by Newton’s Law of Relationships, you will be, too. And I also can pretty much guarantee you won’t regret getting busy, either. It’s not a trip to the dentist’s chair, it’s sex.”

Amen. Apply that exact same “just say yes” advice to women who aren’t in the mood and we’ll have a lot more happy marriages.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Soulsister

    Some Other Guy @ 21
      
    BTW, I see absolutely nothing wrong with my boyfriend asking me for a BJ.   Maybe it is because I am so sexual myself, if my man needs a bj all he has to do is ask…and he can be as blunt as he wants as long as he is only asking me!  
      
    But when I say I really need your hand, he better give me a wicked smile right back and hand it over, so to speak….
      
    Too many people make sex so damn serious…..having a man’s body belong to only me, and accessible MOST of the time when I want it, is the best part of being in a relationship!   Sometimes it can be romantic and loving, and sometimes it can just be “wanna fuck?”…..it’s all good, and a hell of a lot more fun than watching TV…..

  2. 42
    Katarina Phang

    Oh boy, I know exactly how it feels to feel undesirable.   But now I’m in a relationship in which our sex drive is kinda equal and my business is picking up since my book’s publication, I found myself so pre-occupied with work so many nights I didn’t care as much about sex as I used to.   And that concerns me a bit but now I can see why a partner refuses sex when their body and mind are so overworked.   It’s really nothing personal.
      
    I think after a while sex in relationship no matter with whom and how hot he/she is will either become lazy sex or you really need to prepare your body and mind to spice up your sex life so it doesn’t become a routine.   In other words, sex needs work as does the whole relationship after the chemical high is no longer present.   You have to consciously put in efforts to your relationship so it doesn’t become stale.   Love is no longer a feeling but love is what love does.

  3. 43
    Rose

    My body belongs to me and my mans to him and we choose to share out bodies in a healthy loving mutual respectful way.with each other.
    I don’t want to own another persons body or them mine. I am not property.

  4. 44
    Amydk

    Does anyone believe that this role reversal has something to do with gender reversal?

  5. 45
    Nicholas Glasson

    I agree that it works both ways. Both partners need to consider their partners as well as themselves. Conversely, they both need to try and be understanding if there is a genuine reason for not wanting sex (just being too tired or not feeling well etc). If it always seems to be a problem, ie one partner is always wanting it and always being turned down, then it’s time to consider that you’re not sexually compatible. Having said that, there is of course a lot more to a relationship (a REAL relationship), than just sex. But, it is a very important aspect of  most relationships, and does need to be considered. Otherwise you just end up with two unhappy people. Also there’s no point in doing it simply to please your partner – in my opinion it should always be an enjoyable,  relaxing and bonding experience for both parties.

  6. 46
    Sparkling Emerald

    No one is expecting anyone to have sex when in traction or a coma, but if one partner is constantly saying no then there is something else going on in the relationship that needs to be explored.   The occasional “not tonight” is one thing, but constant refusal . . . that’s a divorce (or an affair) waiting to happen.
    I heard once that sex is only 10% of a relationship, but if it isn’t good, it can mess up the other 90% of a relationship.

  7. 47
    Henriette

    @Amydk44   I’m not trying to be snarky; could you pls explain this question: “Does anyone believe that this role reversal has something to do with gender reversal?” bc I don’t understand it.

  8. 48
    Clare

    Sparkling Emerald 40
      
    I find myself agreeing with you 100%.   I am truly not impressed with someone who complains that their partner is too needy, when it turns out that the truth is that the complaining partner has a distaste for giving, for some reason or another.
      
    It smacks of “I would rather be right than happy, and I’d rather hold onto my precious ideals than make my partner happy.”

  9. 49
    Rose

    Soulsister 39

    “Rose 38  –
    I am digging in my heels here….I am looking for a great  love with someone, not an ok one, not a “well, he is good enough” one….”
    Makes sense to me.

      
    “This means I am totally committed to making a man feel fantastic with me, which means learning what his needs and wants are and doing my best to provide for them. I am not interested in fixing anyone’s inner child, nor do I expect them to fix mine.   I do however, expect the man I am spending my time with to understand and do his best to meet my needs also. ”
    I hear what you are saying.
      

      
    “If you have read the Five Love Languages, you will understand that we all speak our own language on what makes us feel loved.   If you are committed to someone, you will learn their love language and speak to them in it. They will feel loved. Or you can CHOOSE to just do what comes natural for you and HOPE that you have the same love language. ”
    I haven’t read it, feel open to taking a look though, have head other women mention this before. Feel slight reservations when other people tell me about book by x y or z author taking it as gospel. To me just because someone says x, y or z in a book that doesn’t mean it is TRUE. It is just some authors opinion. So it feels best to read it and then research for my self the authors background, qualification on the topic they are giving an OPINION about taking into account   any agenda they may have. Not just believe it because they have written it.
      Sounds interesting an I feel curious, so will put it on my list. Ty for sharing.

    “Mine are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. If you want me to be happy and you want me to stay around (because financially I don’t have to), you will  give me attention  and fuck me a lot.     If he is having an issue with doing that, either physical or emotional, he needs to go figure out how to fix it.   Or not.     If a man doesn’t want to do that, for any reason, I will eventually go find one who will.”
    I get what you are saying. And if that is what you have discovered you need then that is what you need. And I hear what you are saying and agree that the right man with WANT to give you what you need.
    I don’t think we agree hear.   In that we both WANT a man to WANT to meet our needs, not do it because we say he should or ought to , but that he has come to that conclusion himself. Just like you WANT to meet his needs and are not doing so because he says you should etc.
      
    “His are Acts of Service and Physical Touch.   If I want him to be happy, I need to do things for him, like cook him dinner, help him with chores, and be very affectionate with him, even though it is not natural for me. Or I can CHOOSE to not do things for him and eventually he will get dissatisfied enough and go find a woman who will.”
    To me if someone NATURALLY does not want to do theses things and that is what he wants. You wouldn’t be compatible. And there is a better match for you both out there. like you said earlier. “I am looking for a great  love with someone, not an ok one, not a “well, he is good enough” one”

      
    “It is really very simple. Having a great love with someone is nothing more than understanding what someone needs and giving it them (yes, especially when you think they are being “needy”), and having them do the same back.
    I feel best to agree to disagree on the needy. I believe their is nothing wring with expressing what you need. That is not being needy. I did my best to communicate the difference. Am obviously not communicating that in a way I feel understood or heard. So feels best to leave that one for now. As it feels to exhausting to continue at the moment.. Just mis communication.
      
    “My husband did not care what my needs were, he thought I would just stay around regardless…that is why he is called my “ex”….and he is still mad that I left him…go figure…”
    Yes I hear you, agree and is what I was meaning earlier when I wrote, “Biggest reason for wives wanting divorce is this emotional disconnection.” You didn’t feel heard and cared for.   And as the woman you are that is one of your needs. WORDS are important to you , so one of your needs is you need a man who can hear you and express himself with words.
    He was not ABLE to do this, there is a better match for you out there who you will feel much happier with.   You were not compatible in this area.
    You have every right to hold out for a man who can meet that need and express it, that is not being needy. And walking away from a man who didn’t want to and wasn’t able being open to another man who wants to is taking care of your own needs. Staying around whining, complaining and trying to get a man who wasn’t   able or didn’t want to, trying to convince or coerce would have been needy.
    Yay to you for getting out of there. Takes a lot of courage.

  10. 50
    Rose

    Sparkling Emerald 40.
    I feel far too many personal angry projected attacks coming at me, with the constant barrages of “you you you” directed at me.
    This feels far to unhealthy and harmful for me to engage in. So feels in my best interest for my health to disengage with that unhealthy damaging style of communication.

  11. 51
    LittleWing

    I politely asked Rose to help me try to understand her better; alas I have had to  summarize  in plain speak, myself. It’s called, Between a Flower and a High Horse:
      
    Rose is turned off by neediness. She does not like people wanting things from her as this makes her feel used. When she feels used, she does not get aroused.  
      
    Rose dislikes it when sex is asked of her under the  pretense  of ‘getting something else’. Unless that ‘something’ coincides with what she craves: love, passion, warmth and connection. Rose uses sex to  fulfill  her need of emotional connection.
      
    Rose believes a man’s motivation for sex is often NOT emotional connection, therefore relationships fail when men push women for sex, because just like her, all women use/need sex to gain emotional connection in their relationships.  
      
    Rose believes that  behavior  unlike hers, and that of her partner, is disgusting, icky, unhealthy and not mutually respectful. Rose equates sex other than how she stipulates, as ‘giving yourself up’ and contributing to the breakdown of your relationship.
      
    Rose believes a sign of a good relationship is when couples desire sex at the same time. It is a cause for concern when one person desires sex and the other does not.  
      
    Rose is turned off by selfishness. She is always up for sex. But only if her partner turns her on, emotionally. If her partner’s desire for sex does not meet her ‘emotional’ criteria, all parties must each take care of themselves, regardless of evident sexual appetite. Rose believes she does not deny her partner physical affection. Rose does not  apologize  for who she is or for her needs as a woman. Heaven forbid anyone else do the same.

  12. 52
    Soulsister

    Rose @ 49 –
      
    Thank you for taking the time to answer my post. You have given me some food for thought.   You are right, we are not naturally compatible.   The only way to be naturally compatible is to have the same love language, as that feels the most comfortable and does not require much adjustment.   It is like if one speaks Spanish and one speaks French, if you don’t try to learn the other’s language you are always miscommunicating.  
      
    I probably adjust easier because I am a woman and a mom, it is no big deal for me to give him his primary love language (Acts of Service).   I think mine is harder for a man to do if it is not natural for him, as most men, especially very alpha men, are not known for their ability to adapt to others.   However, I do think his lack of sex drive is due to physical reasons, so I will give him the opportunity to get this fixed.   I also think men, in general, just don’t want to believe they have anything TO fix, especially when it comes to their penis.   It is easier on the ego  to pretend nothing is wrong.  
      
    Evan, it would be interesting to see a post on your take of the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES….do you really  HAVE to havee the same language, or can two people, who “speak” different languages adjust to each other enough to make each other happy, even if it is not natural to them?
      
    Cause if they have to be the same,  I might be kind of screwed then, most men seem to fall under the Acts of Service language…maybe their moms did too much for them and now that is what they want in a partner!

  13. 53
    Sparkling Emerald

    Sex is to men, what words are to women.   If a man constantly gave a woman the silent treatment, she would leave the marriage one way or the other.   Either stay in the marriage and die a sort of emotional death and withdraw within the marriage, or just flat out leave.   Her GF’s would probably feel very sympathetic about her husbands stone walling, and not berate her for being “needy”, but sympathetic to her that her needs for open communication are being met with stonewalling.   However, when a woman becomes an ice queen to her man, rarely or never sharing her body with him, not giving him the physical affection he NEEDS, then many women see the problem as the man either being “too demanding” or “too needy” instead of recognizing that sex is a REAL NEED for a man (and for most women too, but sometimes apparently not) and to constantly deny that need does not make for a happy marriage. (or relationship)
    Perhaps when sex disappears from the marriage the problem is that BOTH partners are not filling each others needs, and that should to be explored, not ignored.   Perhaps the husband has gone silent.   Started stonewalling, and ceased talking or listening to his wife.   And she has died that little mini-death, and has withdrawn, both emotionally and sexually.   (BTW, I don’t believe in most cases women deliberately with hold sex to punish their spouses, but when they feel the disconnect, they just stop feeling in the mood, and often don’t understand the real reasons)      
    Lack of sex in a marriage is a SYMPTOM.   If the causes aren’t explored and dealt with the marriage will die a slow death,   just as surely as a garden that is never watered will wither and die also.

  14. 54
    Ruby

    Amydk #44
      
    “Does anyone believe that this role reversal has something to do with gender reversal?”
      
    Yes, men are expected to always be up for sex. Women are the ones who are supposed to want sex less often. Even with older men who have erectile problems, that’s considered more   a function of physiology than a lack of desire for sex. I also got the sense that the author is a younger person too, and you definitely don’t expect to see a lack of desire in younger men. The author of the article used a pseudonym because she didn’t want her grandmother to know about her “hearty sexual appetite”; we expect men to have hearty appetites for sex.
      

  15. 55
    Goldie

    Shaking my head… what happened to “give and take” in a family? 90% of what family members do is “begrudgingly” meet each other halfway, because that’s what it takes to live together as a family.
      
    Rose 43
      
    “My body belongs to me and my mans to him and we choose to share out bodies in a healthy loving mutual respectful way.with each other.
    I don’t want to own another persons body or them mine. I am not property.”
      
    This looks great in theory, but in reality, would you be okay with it if your man had sex with another woman or other women? (or men, for that matter). Would he remain your man if he did this on a regular basis? If no, then hate to break it to you, but you do, in some capacity, own his body, and he yours.
      
    @ Joe #30
      
    If a partner has to “just rub one out” on a rare occasion, that’s fine. If it’s happening all the time though, one day that person will ask themselves, What am I doing in a sexless relationship? I can do better than this.

  16. 56
    Rose

    LittleWing 51

    “I politely asked Rose to help me try to understand her better; alas I have had to  summarize  in plain speak, myself. It’s called, Between a Flower and a High Horse:”
    ok.
      
    “Rose is turned off by neediness. She does not like people wanting things from her as this makes her feel used. When she feels used, she does not get aroused. ”
    I understand why you think that. And yea the first part is correct. Yes I am tuned of by neediness. I have no problem people wanting things from me. Sometimes I will feel happy to say yes, And other times I will not want to do what I want. If the person who is asking me is attached to the outcome and doesn’t except my no and my reasons I am totally tuned off and this is needy and con tolling behavior from an adult. I rarely feel used anymore as I have learned to not allow myself to be used most of the time.

      
    “Rose dislikes it when sex is asked of her under the  pretense  of ‘getting something else’. Unless that ‘something’ coincides with what she craves: love, passion, warmth and connection. Rose uses sex to  fulfill  her need of emotional connection.” No I share my love in this way with someone who is mutually compatible with me and also wants to share their love in the same way.
      
    “Rose believes a man’s motivation for sex is often NOT emotional connection, therefore relationships fail when men push women for sex, because just like her, all women use/need sex to gain emotional connection in their relationships. ” No I believe SOME men not a man or all men. No not all women, I believe most women are hardwired to want and need emotional connection when making love. Some are not, some are able to compartmentalize. Some are wounded from sexual abuse and use sex as an addiction to fil themselves up. So no not all.
      
    “Rose believes that  behavior  unlike hers, and that of her partner, is disgusting, icky, unhealthy and not mutually respectful.   Do I believe that? I would like to think about that one a a bit longer.” Rose equates sex other than how she stipulates, as ‘giving yourself up’ and contributing to the breakdown of your relationship.”   Yes I believe emotional disconnection is the number one reason for relationship breakdown.
      
    “Rose believes a sign of a good relationship is when couples desire sex at the same time.” No that is not my belief. It is a cause for concern when one person desires sex and the other does not. Again no that is not my belief.
      
    “Rose is turned off by selfishness. She is always up for sex.” No I am not always up for sex, I said I nearly always feel physically aroused, doesn’t mean I’m up for it. Many other factors come into play to make me be up for it,” But only if her partner turns her on, emotionally. If her partner’s desire for sex does not meet her ‘emotional’ criteria, all parties must each take care of themselves, regardless of evident sexual appetite.” Nobody MUST do anything. ” Rose believes she does not deny her partner physical affection.” the only time I do not like physical affection is when I feel angry or scared of the person offering physical affection, or if the physical kind of affection feels inappropriate to me and crosses my personal boundaries. “Rose does not  apologize  for who she is or for her needs as a woman.” True “Heaven forbid anyone else do the same.” Other people are free to do think feel what they want as I am.

  17. 57
    Rose

    Goldie.
      
    “would you be okay with it if your man had sex with another woman or other women? (or men, for that matter).”
    He is free to choose to do what he likes, if this is what he wanted to do then I would respect what he wanted, so long as it wasn’t involving children. Or people who were unable to give consent.
    “Would he remain your man if he did this on a regular basis? ”
    No if he wanted to do this, that is what he wants and he is entiltled to live his life however he chooses.
    I would no longer be able to be with him though,
    “If no, then hate to break it to you, but you do, in some capacity, own his body, and he yours.: I will have to agree to disagree with you as I see it we both still OWN our own bodies but are making a conscious choice to only share them for lovemaking with each other.
    I still get to choose when I want to share and so does he.
      
      

  18. 58
    Evan Marc Katz

    Rose, stop. Just…stop. You’re entitled to your opinions and to live your life by them. But we’ve hijacked the thread to talk about you instead of the OP. Let it rest.

  19. 59
    Lia

    Soulsister # 39
      
    I have been enjoying your posts. I read them and find myself nodding in agreement.   
      
    I believe you might have some confusion on the five love languages… or maybe I do.   I don’t think the love language of Physical Touch is about sex.   If it were it would definitely hit the top of my list.   Have you ever known someone who is really touchy… I don’t mean easily upset, I mean the are always hugging people, sitting close, holding hands, arm around the shoulder?   This is not just with their partner it is with everyone they feel close to. From what I understand physical touch is not about liking, or wanting sex it is about needing touch to feel loved.   
      
    My top two are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.   One of my mother’s top love language is Physical Touch.   I realized that my younger sister speaks this “language” well (though it is not one of her top two) Because of this I could see that my mother felt more loved by her than me although I do spend Quality Time with her and give her Words of Affirmation (my top two) and Acts of Service.   When I realized this I started hugging her a lot more and she responded better to me.
      
    Of course you can learn other’s “languages” and “speak them”.   My older sister has five children.   Her youngest has Gifts as her top love language.   This does not mean she is greedy and wants things from people, it means that physical objects – thoughtfully given to her – tell her that she is loved.   My sister had to call her ex-husband once to remind him of this because he forgets birthday presents, and while this does not bother their other kids it is very painful for their youngest.   (All of their kids are adults and married.)   So he sent her flowers for her birthday the next year.   She called to thank him and was so overcome with her emotions that he could hardly understand her through the sobbing.
      
    You wrote. “Having a great love with someone is nothing more than understanding what someone needs and giving it to them (yes especially when you think they are being “needy”), and having them do the same back.”
      
    I really like that.   
      
      
    Sparkling Emerald # 40
      
    You wrote… Oh hell I can’t go quoting everything I liked, I’ll be here all night.   I did enjoy the “waiting of for the perfect Harlequin moment, isn’t very adult either.”   But the truth is you will never convince some people that being happy is better than being right, that giving truly does not diminish us but lifts us.   For some the Ivory Tower is just too difficult to give up.  
      
      
    Clare # 48  
      
    YES!!!      
      
      
    Goldie # 55
      
    Good point.   When two people have agreed to have a relationship and monogamy then we have agreed to care about the other person and their need to be touched and held.   Someone in another thread wrote that orgasms were easy to come by (no pun intended) but it was the skin on skin that they missed.   How can we say that we care about   our partner and then deny them something so basic. And how can one deny their partner again and again and still believe that what they are doing (or not doing as the case may be) is good and loving.   And how quickly would such a person cry foul if one of their primary needs (for emotional connection, or communication) were constantly rejected.

  20. 60
    amydk

    Most people DON’T have the same love languages, naturally, that’s the point of learning them.
    Women usually like words of affirmation and/or quality time and men usually appreciate acts of service.
    As a single gal whose primary languages are words of affirmation and touch, I ended up sleeping with so many slick guys, surprised when they disappeared. I needed words of affirmation followed by acts of service (ie, people who did what they said they would do, people who weren’t full of bs)
    When my then-boyfriend proudly bought me a George foreman grill i apparently missed the significance that he meant he was here to stay. (Act of service, really more than gift). But when he finally wrote me a poem for valentine’s day, I totally understood it.  
    I highly recommend Love Languages!  

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