My Girlfriend Wants to Get More Sexual “Experience” Before Getting Engaged. What Should I Do?

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I’ve been dating this girl for two and a half years now – not just dating, but living with, I think that makes it all the more serious.   We were good friends for a year before all this, which is why we were comfortable with starting dating and living together at the same time…   The problem, I think, is that while I was her first, I had prior sexual experience with former girlfriends.   Maybe it’s my fault, for wanting to broaden her mind, but now she’s assured me she’s going to have sex with another man, no one in particular, but just because she wants to have a certain level of experience before she commits.  

Last summer, we had a “break”, some time apart, and I know she’s been with another guy, though just oral sex.   Even though this devastated me, I agreed to get back together – she says she’s glad to have had time to figure things out, and in a sense, so am I.   But now I’ve become more insecure about all this, and certainly this jealousy is putting a strain on our relationship.   My problem is, she’s sure she’s going to sleep with another man, and that she doesn’t want to commit until she’s had “adequate” experience with sex and men; on the other hand at the moment we really are in love, and really enjoy being together – we can both imagine a long-term future together. Am I just avoiding future heart-break by not finishing it with her right now?   Are we too young to marry (we’re both in early early twenties)?

I feel silly writing to an “internet dating expert” (don’t take this personally!) but I don’t know who else to turn to.  

Love is complicated.

Thanks,

Chris

Love is complicated, Chris, and I’m sad to report that it just gets more complicated. The more you know, the more baggage, the more responsibilities, the more you realize you don’t know.

The more you know, the more baggage, the more responsibilities, the more you realize you don’t know.

So just be glad that you have many years to get burdened with the weight of life experience. In the meantime, to answer your questions in reverse order:

Yes, you’re silly for writing to an “internet dating expert”. As you know, everyone who dates online is a loser who couldn’t succeed with the opposite sex in real life. And when you account for the fact that I’m a 35-year-old single guy who has never had a relationship over a year – well, let’s just say you should be very embarrassed for even talking to me. I’m sure my clients, girlfriend, and mom all feel the same way.

Next: Yes, you are too young to marry. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule — my girlfriend just introduced me to her friend who got pregnant and married before she was 20 and they’re still together at 38. But this is beyond exceptional. Today’s generation — and even my generation — Gen X — can’t compare ourselves to our parents. The world has changed too much and everything seems to have been delayed ten years. I am of the full belief that 30 is the new 20, 40 the new 30, 50 the new 40, and so on. It takes longer to choose and establish a career; we have infinitely more dating choices; and gender roles and needs have morphed considerably. So while it would be nice and nostalgic to return to a time where 22 year olds had kids and grew up with them, like my parents did, it’s highly unusual. People simply change too much in their 20’s and 30’s….

If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who is five years older than you what they knew at age 27 vs. 22. Then try the same trick with 32 year olds. And 37 year olds. It is SHOCKING how little I knew five years ago when I first started this business. I had never been in love. I had never had my heart broken. I had never contemplated a future with anyone. But what I had done, Chris, is sleep with plenty of people. Which is a surprisingly important thing when you’re contemplating not sleeping with anyone else ever again. Your girlfriend has not had this experience.

For years, young kids got married so that they COULD sleep with each other. They’d get pregnant and since divorce was frowned upon, live a long, unhappy, responsible life with their large families.

Now that we’ve been able to separate sex and marriage, things are different. Women are more highly educated and are expected to develop their own careers. And while there’s still plenty of evidence of a sexual double standard, women are no longer under the illusion that their virginity should be saved for one man after holy matrimony. This is a double edged sword if you’re a guy. Because you should want someone experienced, you should want someone who knows what she likes and doesn’t, and you should want someone who doesn’t wonder what else is out there. Unfortunately, since you’re in such a serious relationship at such a young age, it would be impossible for your girlfriend to have that wisdom.

Because you should want someone experienced, you should want someone who knows what she likes and doesn’t, and you should want someone who doesn’t wonder what else is out there.

So you’ve got a real dilemma on your hands, my young friend. Because I would never tell you to dump a woman you loved to spare yourself the heartbreak. And yet I’d be irresponsible if I said that I thought you were going to have a happy ending.

If she’s determined to sleep with other men, you pretty much have two choices:

Break up with her and hope she comes back after some experimenting

Or allow her to fool around without telling you the details, and hope she hates it.

I think the first one will be hard to do, and the second one will be harder. But no matter what happens, remember, there are a lot of women out there — and you may just find that your girlfriend has done you a great favor by breaking up with you.

 

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Selena

    Lance–
    What if they didn’t find 10 people they wanted to sleep with in one year? (Or wanted to sleep with them?) I never have. If I did, seems like it would be a rather unhappy year. And what about the feelings of these 10-20 ‘conquests’? You think they’d all feel okay about being just a check off on someone’s list of “getting experience”?

    Not to mention if you really wanted to be safe, that would mean going for STD testing at least 10 times in that year. Ugh.

  2. 22
    Markus

    “Self-actualization”. Give me a freaking break. I guess it’s a good thing my parents and grand parents and every other goddamned generation before them were self actualized. She wants out and she’s trying to do it without the risk.

  3. 23
    downtowngal

    Sounds like she’s not ready. Either that or she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

    Yeah, it’s nice that she’s being honest but don’t make excuses for her. Chris, your feelings are real, it’s not about having a sense of ‘owenership, it’s having a sense of commitment and feeling hurt.

    If the tables were turned and my fiancee said, ‘I love you but I really want to experience being with other women before I commit” I would tell him to take a hike. And I’m sure everyone else on this board would feel the same.

    She very well could love you. I suggest breaking up….if it’s meant to be then get back together after a year or two. But until then it doesn’t make sense to have a relationship where one party is dating/sleeping/blowing other people.

  4. 24
    Lance

    Reply for Selena…

    10 partners was an exaggeration, but even 2-3 would probably do them a world of good. I happen to agree with some of the other comments, she’s lost/losing attraction for him but I ALSO think she needs the experience. That’s legit.

    For Chris, if he also dates and has sex with other women, it’ll help him get over his gf and ALSO create a jealousy affect with his ex, with might actually bring her back. I’ve seen this happen plenty of times.

  5. 25
    Selena

    Lance-
    I don’t see it as about getting sexual “experience” per se, but rather, “seeing who else is out there” before settling down to marriage. Not an unreasonable thing to do in your early 20’s–as long as you’re not stringing someone who loves you along in the process. Which is what I think this chick is doing to our guy Chris.

  6. 26
    Lance

    Selena: I agree with you. I’d really like to see Chris (or anyone who is in Chris’s position) date around if the gf is going to date around, and I’d really like to see him not be devastated by the fact that she’s looking for another experience. He’ll only do that by “getting back in the saddle,” which we all know means additional partners/relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    Incidentally, I do believe that you can desire more sexual experience AND be in love with your current partner. IMO those two items can exist at the same time, although you have to be a very mature pair of individuals to handle the relationship permutations that come from it.

  7. 27
    Kim

    The one thing I have not heard anyone say to or ask Chris is WHY does she want more experience? Is Chris lame in bed? Has she had a really good orgasm, or several in a row yet? Does the gf have unresolved fantasies that need to be explored? If any of the above are the case, I would suggest couples therapy and a good book on how to really please your woman. I think one of the reasons most women break up with guys after being with them for a while, even if they have strong feelings for them, is that the sex sucks. Let’s face it, men are going to orgasm pretty much every time, but if the woman isn’t being “self-actualized” (to borrow Lance’s phrase) sexually, and many women cannot orgasm unless there is both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, then she IS going to look elsewhere. The key to keeping a woman happy is to make her feel like a queen, both in and out of bed, and that means satisfying her. If you do that Chris, she will be with you forever, and won’t care about any other guys. Indulge her fantasies, get out the massage oil and blindfolds, and give her the orgasm of her life. Trust me … she won’t be able to keep her hands off of you and the other guys will be a distant musing.

  8. 28
    Lance

    Kim, that’s an awesome comment, and something we all sorta skirted around. I was sorta hinting at it with my self-realization thing, but I should have said it straight. Chris, are you mediocre in the bedroom? If your gf isn’t getting off, you’re done for. Hey, most early 20’s guys suck in the sack. They just haven’t been taught what to do.

    I have a great ebook recommendation for you that changed my entire perspective about sex. I can’t rave about it enough, and no I’m not a paid affiliate or anything like that. Try Daniel Rose’s Sex God Method. It’s excellent, and will increase your bedroom game tenfold:

    ebook costs $39, but if you poke around you can download for nothing.

  9. 29
    Steve

    It may be heartbreaking now, but dump the bitch. She sounds like a slut and you are worth being with someone much better than her. Someone who you can trust.

    Get rid of her and don’t look back.

  10. 30
    verbosity

    Run, Forest! Run!

  11. 31
    Mattie

    Kim’s point is great, Chris: buy a copy of the Kama Sutra or similar, and offer to, er, work through the whole book with your girlfriend!

    Also Evan puts the matter into pithy proportion – and Lance’s contributions, from a similar standpoint, offer very sensible and helpful solutions.

    At least your girlfriend has been completely honest, which has got to be an advantage as it demonstrates respect for both you and herself. Frankly, more power to her for wishing to explore and develop her own sexuality; God knows, nobody can do that for her – just with her (nuance)! This constitutes taking responsibility in my book – and, in this case, doesn’t appear to suggest that your young woman is even remotely sluttish (if she were, believe me, she’d be enthusiastically and energetically transforming herself into the village bike without reference to your finer feelings let alone knowledge!). Which would you rather have: a partner who’s frustrated in bed thanks to her real or perceived inexperience (and either blames you or herself with equally emotionally-disastrous results for your relationship in either instance) OR one who is relaxed about the whole thing, happily familiar with her own needs and how they are best met, and knows how to please a man?

    But bear in mind that, while it is certainly possible to feel desire for lots of other people when in a committed relationship as it is also possible to love more than one partner – it is NOT possible to be wildly in love with more than one person at a time! Being in love fixes one exclusively upon the love-object and has a terrific effect on the libido, so maybe this is what is lacking?

    If someone’s not ‘wildly in love’ at/near the beginning at your age, then perhaps you both ought to agree to look elsewhere sexually – and definitely live apart. Nothing lost, as you’ve obviously established a good friendship which is a considerable and valuable achievement.

    Why not see what happens, while you both separate as lovers and look around – after all, time is very much on your side: what’s the rush? Just don’t play games, or manipulate other partners.

    Buy the book, anyway, or take up Lance’s referral – and start working your way through it safely, with new partner(s). At least you’ll have an awful lot of fun before life gets too serious – as it will do, I fear, sooner or later. [Oh, and if you DO buy the KS, you can ignore the section which calls for two yaks, a gallon of yoghourt and a bungee-rope (Ha! Only joking, honest!).]

    Now, where did I park my yak …?!

    Mattiex

  12. 32
    Dee

    Chris, I understand your GF’s position sort of. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for the past 2 1/2 years. We’ve lived together for 2 of it. We are committed to each other and plan on eventually getting married after grad school and stable jobs and such. He has slept with past girlfriends before me, but he is the only one I have been with ( by choice ). We are in our twenties.

    I’ve thought about this situation over and over again. Yes, it does get to me once in a while when I think about the fact that he has been able to experience different things with different people, and that sexually I have only been with him. It isn’t the fact that I was lacking experience but more that we hadn’t gotten the chance to experience the same things. I don’t think he knows that I think about this suject, because if it were an issue I would tell him. You see, I love him with my whole heart and would never do anything to hurt him. If I didn’t love him, I would have left already OR I would’ve tried pulling what your gf tried to pull on you. A relationship is a relationship. If you even have to question this 1) you’re a great guy for thinking about letting your women sleep around ( dumb, but you’d have to be great) and 2) you are going to get hurt because she is going to end up leaving and breaking your heart.

    Bottom line: sleeping with other men would have probably benefitted me I guess, but if she really wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of your lives, she would feel the way I feel and would be proud that she’s only been with the man she fell in love with and spending the rest of her life with.

    Best of luck-Hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.

    Dee

  13. 33
    hunter

    to dee,

    …sounds like you are married, most women marry from the neck down….men we need a certificate to be married…

  14. 34
    fokoyo

    MY GUY IF YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE DOMP THAT ASS SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU IN ANY WERE THERE A LOT OF GIRLS IN THE WORLD SO DUMP DUMP DUMP HER

  15. 35
    Kaylie M

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We dated for about 2 years before we decided to have sex, the first time for both of us. We are still very much in love and would not even consider having sex with other people just to gain more “experience.” If she really loved you, she wouldn’t want to have sex with anyone else. It seems like she is afraid to be alone. There are plenty of other girls out there, you just need to look. Best of luck to you!

  16. 36
    ANA

    Hi Chris

    Well, from a personal experience let me tell you my ex-boyfriend, who in fact I was going to marry until he left me. He is the only man I have ever sleep with I am 21 and I never had the need to sleep with other men or experiment with. But everybody has different ideas, the point is that if she really love you, she would not feel the need to sleep with other men. Real love comes with fulfillment, commitment, faithfulness, and above all respect. I don’t think it means that she doesn’t love you at all, it just means that she is not ready to be completely into you.

    Take care

  17. 37
    Erik

    Chris, your girlfriend has lost attraction and interest in you. Move on!

  18. 38
    Mike

    I think if she wants to have sex or do anything else with another man you should just leave her. You are just setting yourself up for a live time of trouble. What if she sleeps with a guy that as a STD or something and you catch then your fuckeT!

  19. 39
    sameer

    i am amresh 20 years old.my girlfriend is pooja whose age is 20 years.
    i have kept all the physical relations with her.
    but her interest is to keep physical relations with other man and also with me.
    so in which way i will tell her dont keep relationship with other man.
    now i am under tension.
    plz give sugeetion imediately.

  20. 40
    skitzo

    sadly i wouldn’t know what to say to you hun, since I’m in the same situation, I’m not ready to marry but i do want this girl to make up her mind. i tell her that i feel she’s keeping me around for incase she doesn’t find someone and I’ve been stupid and just blind myself of the truth. she was a virgin when we got together, then she wanted more a relationship with other guys, since thru out high school she didn’t have that. She claims to love me, yet tells me she loves my brother, well a friend that’s been like a brother to me(though not much of one since they’ve kissed while i was around) Luckily i wasn’t sober and didn’t see, but i had my feelings that something had happen.. trust me when i say this isn’t going to end well, your insecurities will kill you inside, if not drive her away. I’ve tried ending it but I’m weak and she wins, always getting me to forget at least for a while well till i see the txt on her phone. there’s no easy way to say this but i think we both need to just let go. not only for our own sake but since you love her I’m sure you don’t want her regretting you being the 1st and the last one she’s with, maybe she wont now but its very possible that later in life she’ll tell you she’s unhappy and that its all your fault for wanting to keep her trapped. or for possibly keeping her from the one that would make her complete, but if you let her go she might just tell you that you’re giving up on the one that truly loves you. We know that it should end, the answer isn’t hard to figure out. What’s hard is admitting to yourself that its really over. We purposely blind ourselves to keep from hurting, feeling like a failure, worthless. Etc. there’s only so much one can keep bottled, eventually that bottle will burst, and you’ll have to deal with it then. The question has never been should you break it of? Its when will you decide enough is enough!?

    1. 40.1
      Laura

      Same here 🙁 your story broke my heart. I can’t believe my significant other will sleep with someone else and jut like you   d I do think my   insecurities will be the death of me.
      How have you been??  

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