I Think Sex Is Wrong Outside Marriage. Why Won’t Anyone Date Me?

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Dear Evan,

I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage. I used to think that women have more self-control than men, but have since realized that we are all humans.

Is it ever possible to have a year-long relationship without sex? Even the most conservative girl I’ve met gets heavy on that after a while. I feel pressured. They ask questions like “will we be doing that (whatever is the action in the movies) in future?”

I think maybe I’m the problem. I’ve been called frigid, gay (am not), etc.

There’s so much more to life than sex, right? Maybe I should look for intelligent scientists.

Jon

Dear Jon,

You sound a bit like the guy who insists on buying flowers for women on first dates. He seems like a really nice guy, but what he doesn’t get is that his views are out of step with the majority of society.

So it’s not a matter of whether he’s right or wrong; it’s a matter of whether his behavior is effective or ineffective.

When you lead your question with “I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage,” you make it abundantly clear that your moral stance is quite ineffective. That doesn’t make you wrong. That makes your choice a highly questionable one as far as most women are concerned.

And, as I am wont to do, I’m going to use this platform to ask readers to consider if they have any hard-wired minority beliefs that prevent them from making a connection. Again, I’m not a moralist; I’m a pragmatist. Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Lest you think I’m joking — that’s a true story. I had a client four years ago who was a grown-up 70’s rocker who teaches guitar lessons. Nice man. Very passionate. But in his insistence on “being himself,” he pretty much eliminated every woman who tossed her AquaNet out the window in 1989. Same goes for my Jewish client who loved his dreadlocks, and was surprised he didn’t get much attention on JDate. Somehow he was shocked that all the Ivy League women who want to marry doctors and lawyers weren’t flocking to his unwashed nest of hair. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy — it just means he had to make some tough choices: Keep the hair and lose the women. Or lose the hair and get the women.

Since I’m not a psychologist, I’m not gonna worry in this space about WHY you’d opt for abstinence. That’s between you and your clergyman. All I can say is that the number of people aboard the no-sex train is increasingly small. So as I see it, you have two choices:

Keep beating the drum that says sex is wrong outside of marriage and continue to wonder why most women keep running away, OR:

Get off your moral high horse and start sexually servicing these women the way they want to be serviced.

If not, someone else will. I guarantee that.

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Comments:

  1. 201
    rawr

    good advice evan, tell him to jump on the mainstream band wagon….idiot.

    seriously dood i respect you and you do good work, but let people live life the way they want.

  2. 202
    Fefe

    There are so many people out there who have same preferences as you Jon; You are not alone. However, don’t doubt what you stand for. The right lady will come at the right time.

  3. 203
    Jen

    I think your point of view is certainly incorrect. How about following what God says in the bible for the set standard. Just because everyone is doing it- isnt the best answer. If everyone were doing meth and I am not… Does that mean I should drop my health standards to date someone? Ur line of thinking is not only illogical, irrational, but also numb to the effects of sin. Maybe if more women and men started raising the bar of standards to that of what God teaches in the bible- IT WOULD be EFFECTIVE.

    1. 203.1
      Karmic Equation

      The Bible also allows for bigamy/polygamy. So I guess we should all do because the Bible condones it?

       

      http://www.gotquestions.org/polygamy.html

       

      Please. Bible thumpers selectively pick and choose what to uphold from the Bible.

       

      Sex is a big thing. You know why? Because the MEN who wrote the Bible wanted/needed to control women’s sexuality. A beautiful woman who’s truly unafraid of her sexuality is a threat to men in a way no man can be to a woman. Women can get men to do things for sex. Women will do things for men “for love” but not for sex.

      1. 203.1.1
        AllHeart81

        As a card carrying Bible thumper (thump, thump), it’s not always easy sorting out the Bible and I can  
        guarantee  
        that we probably don’t always get it right. Regardless of that,  
        technically, the Bible doesn’t necessarily *condone* polygamy so much as it allowed it. And yes, there is a difference between the two. Back in the day there were more women than men because they seemed to outlive the men. It’s theorized that polygamy was allowed so that women would have someone that could take care of them. And back in those brutal times, a woman had a better chance of surviving if she was married than if she wasn’t.  
        Further, there are stories in the Bible that show the problem with polygamy and the trouble people get themselves into because of it. Deuteronmy 17:14-20 is one of them.

        God’s original intention of marriage was one man and one woman. We see this through Genesis 2:24 where the use of a single man and a single woman coming together is mandated.

      2. 203.1.2
        Deborah

        If you looked Christ cleared up the polygamy, letting people know that God never wanted polygamy, and also there was never any bigamy either. It was always PEOPLE who did this stuff on their own. It wasn’t what God wanted.

        Ephesians 5:31
        “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

        Notice it says two people become one flesh, not 40,000 become one flesh!

        “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” 3 He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” 4 They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her.” 5 But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you. 6 But from the beginning of creation, “God made them male and female.’ 7 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

        1. Deborah

          I just want to add that, this means if you marry 1 person, God acknowledges it, until death do you part, but if you decide to divorce and REMARRY, that marriage is actually adultery if that other person is still alive.

  4. 204
    Bella

    Hahaha

    I was looking for articles on how to find Christian men to date who will wait to have sex until marriage and stumbled upon this !

    yes, it will limit who you date but that’s a good thing! It’s  self regulating; the person that you really want shares your values and worldview.

  5. 205
    Miss Nene

    No, not ‘most’ women.     How about when you give men some sort of ‘sex’ (without full intercourse) and then wise up and say ‘I am not having anymore sex outside of marriage” and he refuses to marry you? Guess the sex wasn’t that great!   Yeah, we all know about, and have experienced, lust. That is not love.   Once you fall in love, you clearly see the difference.   About time women wised up and waited for the ring, if that is what they want! There is a reason why men used to ‘have to’ marry a woman that they wanted sexually. Women are the prize. Men are supposed to treat them as such.

    This ‘try before you buy’ crap.. women and men are not a pair of shoes. And often, they still won’t marry you. So now, you may have had sex because you loved him, he still won’t marry you, and he had sex with you just to get an orgasm, period. Feels nothing for the woman.

    So if women (and men)   want to idiotically give their bodies and hearts   away and get nothing longlasting in return, don’t complain years later when you are single and never married   over the age of 40. Never forget that marriage separates the men from the boys. Marrying you shows responsibility, having sex with you shows nothing.   Marriage shows he cares about you, not just your body. Don’t pull this act, men, when you pretend like you don’t know the difference between a woman you just use to deposit your sperm in   and a woman you really love.   Women do the same. We can ‘use’ a multitude of men to give us orgasms, but love? No. Whole other deal. That is why sex still works best in marriage. Look at all the jaded people you have now because they chose to experiment with sex outside of marriage.

    When will you people get that it is not a ‘religious’ or moral thing, but a SELF RESPECT thing. When you REALLY love someone, you will want to marry them, and you will see that sex outside of marriage causes NOTHING BUT CHAOS! Look around you! That was the reason marriage was invented, to have sex between two people who are in it for the long haul. Once you meet someone that you want to marry, it is natural to want to wait, because you have this little thing called.. oh, i don’t know.. RESPECT for the man, and yourself! Anyone can have sex with just any guy, but when the man is important,

  6. 206
    Miss Nene

    As   far as ‘ineffective’, what’s ineffective is giving a man sex, expecting that he is going to marry you.     If you want marriage, tell him he gets nothing sexual until after the marriage. If he really, really wants a woman, he will marry her. That has been effective since the dawn of time, honey!

    1. 206.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I think we all catch your drift after 30 comments on the same blog post. You don’t believe in sex outside of marriage. Got it.

    2. 206.2
      hunter

      …how true, and then, men leave shortly after the wedding…

      ..some women do have a hard time saying that powerful two letter word….”no”….

      …do you really?….huh…how interesting…”more happily married people”……ask them how many times they have forgiven each other..

      …over 65% of women , know little of the bedroom technique….you say the “greatest sex”..hhmmh..

      ..”I know several men over the age of 40 who claim to be virgins”…..this world is full of nice guys….

  7. 207
    Miss Nene

    No, you obviously missed the point and lol didn’t read all ’30’. I never   said it was wrong. I think we got your point in 3000 blogs that you’ve made. Everyone should just do whatever they want to do sexually and then complain about the consequences.

    1. 207.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Well, since 97% of people participate in premarital sex, I guess that leaves the 3% all to you and your God-fearing, holier-than-thou, judgmental, celibate friends. You win!

  8. 208
    Blondie99

    Yes I dated a guy like this once, could not do it. I tried just could not. I think it depends on age too.   I am in my late 30s and I am not dating someone who won’t give it up.   Maybe in my 20s I would.   But there are some women who would have no issue with this, they are going to be hard to find, even harder the older you get.       If this is truly your belief then I agree don’t give it up just to find a woman.   that being said I think that marrying without first having sex is a very very bad idea.

  9. 209
    Kevin Mooney

    I feel Sex befor from Marriage is wrong.

  10. 210
    gina

    way to go Jon!!!!

    I would love to meet a guy like you!

    🙂

     

  11. 211
    Delaney

    Don’t listen to what these people are telling you, you don’t need to compromise your values.   I know that abstaining from sex is something that you are doing out of love for your future spouse.   There are plenty of women out there that feel the same way as you.   It is worth the wait.

    1. 211.1
      Cathryn

      Yes, some people feel it is like adultery against your future partner.   Though most people would say that’s crazy and your spouse will get over it.   If we’re really honest, most people are uncomfortable with the idea our spouse was once with another person sexually, but we try to shrug it off and rationalize the feeling away because it’s what is commonly done.   Experts conducted studies and found psychologists realized living together before marriage damages your future marriage. And pastors and family experts think pre-marital sex causes scars and problems in the future marriage. So why should this guy feel embarrassed or compromise?   The Bible confirms his choice.

  12. 212
    Lissa

    To compare stubbornly sticking to a hairstyle to adhering to a set of morals is absurd. I applaud this gentleman’s standards and have been searching for a man who would be on the same page with me about this issue for years. My one tip would be to say that sex outside marriage has not felt right for you but to not put it in a way that sounds legalistic or judgmental. I believe only good can come from sticking to your highest sense of what’s right. She will find you. Or maybe she already has by now.

  13. 213
    Moonshine2016

    Dear Jon,

    Please tell me that you are real!!My boyfriend told me the same about his past relationships and I kept not believing him. He said even when the girls were fiercely asking for sex he refused because he was planning to save it  for  his marriage. I thought his stories are all made up and can’t be real. I was thinking no man is going to say no to sex if it’s offered by someone they love. I don’t want to accuse him of lying for no reason. If I know that people like you really exist then I will be more confident in my boyfriend’s statements.

    1. 213.1
      Good Guy

      He is probably real. There are lots of guys out there like that, who have morals.   Just as men believe women are innocent creatures who have no interest in sex.   The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

      1. 213.1.1
        Good Guy

        … and there is no advantage to a man to say this in our society – in fact he opens himself to ridicule.   So the chances are very high your boyfriend is telling the truth.

  14. 214
    Good Guy

    I think Jon should wait and find a woman compatible with his views.   I think he will have a VERY difficult time though, as most women lie about their sexual past (as do men, but in the opposite way that women do), and the ones who appear the most “pure” and “virginal” are often the ones who have slept around with abandon when they were younger.

  15. 215
    Sheri

    Jon, I applaud your decision to wait. I feel the same way. Sex is a gift for my future husband and it’s for him only.

  16. 216
    Cathryn

    I disagree with Evan’s response to Jon’s concern. Plenty of women are willing to wait for marriage. Lots of women have the same values. And in fact now that we’re finding there are more STDs than back in the 70s when I was dating, more younger folks, looking for a partner, are waiting for the right person rather than jumping into bed. If I were this guy I would look in other venues, like church, for example, or religious dating sites. Or maybe he could find someone with similar values volunteering to help the homeless or in a soup kitchen. Clearly, he may be looking for love in all the wrong places.

  17. 217
    Cami

    I am divorced for some time now but believe what Jon says is spot on.   Waited for marriage, then he balked at the thought of having children and left.   I now hold true to the same values.   If there is love, then it is not necessary to have sex before marriage.   Many couples make this choice and I would totally date you Jon!   You are different from guys these days and that is good!

  18. 218
    amber

    Hello, i saw your post and thought i should comment on it.
    I feel that when i’m in a relationship, men expect a certain thing from me. A thing i’m not comfortable with. “Sex”
    I just want to wait having sex until marriage and i’m non religious. People keep asking me if i’m crazy and look at me as i am insane.
    They don’t know that this is my choice in life & whenever i’m dating someone that does accept my promise, all they ask for are naked pictures.
    I really cannot find someone who wants to be with me and not have sex, it’s like sex is all that matters these days. I will be forever alone just because of that reason alone.

  19. 219
    Kim Spearbecker

    Apparently the God who created the earth and everything on it is dumb as dirt and man is far superior.

  20. 220
    Marefa

    I understand your perspective. I am neither married or dating, and I would never comply to sex before marriage. I want to stay loyal to my future spouse (if I ever have one) even before marriage. I think sex is something too intimate to do with someone outside of the bounds of marriage but will not antagonize people over their choices. Whether or not someone breaks up over it will help me determine if they have a similar view of sex. If not, I’m better off being with someone that does or single than with someone who doesn’t. Beliefs and values are prioritized. Anyone can feel the high of attraction and falling in love with someone. Not everyone will stay after that high dissipates and life’s troubles kick in. At that time, I think I would be better off with someone who shares my beliefs and values.

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