I Think Sex Is Wrong Outside Marriage. Why Won’t Anyone Date Me?

I Think Sex Is Wrong Outside Marriage.  Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

Dear Evan,

I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage. I used to think that women have more self-control than men, but have since realized that we are all humans.

Is it ever possible to have a year-long relationship without sex? Even the most conservative girl I’ve met gets heavy on that after a while. I feel pressured. They ask questions like “will we be doing that (whatever is the action in the movies) in future?”

I think maybe I’m the problem. I’ve been called frigid, gay (am not), etc.

There’s so much more to life than sex, right? Maybe I should look for intelligent scientists.


Dear Jon,

You sound a bit like the guy who insists on buying flowers for women on first dates. He seems like a really nice guy, but what he doesn’t get is that his views are out of step with the majority of society.

So it’s not a matter of whether he’s right or wrong; it’s a matter of whether his behavior is effective or ineffective.

When you lead your question with “I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage,” you make it abundantly clear that your moral stance is quite ineffective. That doesn’t make you wrong. That makes your choice a highly questionable one as far as most women are concerned.

And, as I am wont to do, I’m going to use this platform to ask readers to consider if they have any hard-wired minority beliefs that prevent them from making a connection. Again, I’m not a moralist; I’m a pragmatist. Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Lest you think I’m joking – that’s a true story. I had a client four years ago who was a grown-up 70’s rocker who teaches guitar lessons. Nice man. Very passionate. But in his insistence on “being himself,” he pretty much eliminated every woman who tossed her AquaNet out the window in 1989. Same goes for my Jewish client who loved his dreadlocks, and was surprised he didn’t get much attention on JDate. Somehow he was shocked that all the Ivy League women who want to marry doctors and lawyers weren’t flocking to his unwashed nest of hair. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy – it just means he had to make some tough choices: Keep the hair and lose the women. Or lose the hair and get the women.

Since I’m not a psychologist, I’m not gonna worry in this space about WHY you’d opt for abstinence. That’s between you and your clergyman. All I can say is that the number of people aboard the no-sex train is increasingly small. So as I see it, you have two choices:

Keep beating the drum that says sex is wrong outside of marriage and continue to wonder why most women keep running away, OR:

Get off your moral high horse and start sexually servicing these women the way they want to be serviced.

If not, someone else will. I guarantee that.

Join our conversation (269 Comments).
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  1. 181

    While I realize this is a very unpopular point of view, some believe in waiting because they believe they answer to a higher power and are more concerned with how God judges him or her than how the world judges.  Some are not willing to compromise certain convictions and principles just to have a date.

  2. 182
    dove of love

    He’s wrong. Never let go of your morals,beliefs,or faith because it’s not what the vast majority is doing. Your Patience will one day be rewarded.. and when you do find that special woman..trust me she will be happy that u saved something that special for her.be strong and look elsewhere for women who also share your beliefs on purity.

  3. 183

    Sleepless in 81 – how can I say this sweetly? It strikes me that the lady in question did not know which way she was going.
    Being from the same age group, I’m familiar with the “God wants you to…….etc.” I think it is clearer and fairer to say from the start to the man what your truth is with that man.
    For me, although I was brought up in a religious background, I tend to focus on the man in front of me.  If I don’t feel safe/confident/able to have sex with him, then I don’t but neither would I let him kiss/cuddle and pet me.
    It’s called being honest.
    In case someone misunderstands me, I’m a passionate woman, I enjoy sex but putting the brakes on when the car is travelling fast and saying a sweet prayer to backtrack is just not on.

  4. 184

    People like Jon should do what they believe is right, not what other people tell them. As others have said, look in the right places. Your chastity is far more important than having a girlfriend, so I hope you will wait until you find someone who respects your value and can raise their standards instead of asking you to lower yours.

  5. 185

    I really admire your values and courage. I am now 72 and thank God I was not born today. I am really now looking forward to my ‘end of days’. The whole world is going down the toilet. We actually managed to communicate without mobile phones etc. The youth of today are never going to experience the wonderful life as portrayed in the sitcom, ‘Happy Days’. I did, when girls were virgins when they married. The guys put girls on pedestals and loved and respected them. Like, opening doors, pulling a chair out for them to sit, guiding through busy areas with a simple assisting arm behind their backs, giving up seats on public transport, a flirtive kiss on the first date. A bunch of flowers to indicate their interest, the list goes on and on.
    If the future continues as at the present, sod everyone but myself, where will it end?
    Women should be nurtured and respected. If they are treated, as today, another male friend to have intercourse and add to a males notch on his gun. So help us all! 

  6. 186

    If you don’t believe in sex outside of marriage, i will assume you are a strong believer in God (most likely christian), and if this is the case, you shouldn’t be looking to secular forums for answers to your question.
    There are a number of reasons why a woman doesn’t want to stay with you when you say no sex before marriage.
    1. She probably thinks she’s undesired
    2. that if she isn’t giving you sex outside of marriage the relationship cannot possibly be
    3. She’s not Christian or mature enough to respect your request.
    I chose to remain abstinent, and I still am (4 years now), until marriage. I can’t even tell you how many men didn’t stick around after they found out (which was usually within the first month of our friendship), and some of them were even Christian! 
    You need to trust God with your decision and know that he WILL give you a woman who will respect your view. Ive been with my boyfriend for a year now, and yes, its HELL-UH difficult for us, but we know that it’s best for us until marriage. (and he admitted to me that he was abstinent before i did.. so he wasn’t just saying it to keep me looped on his finger while he messes around..)

  7. 187
    ryan billingsley

    I think if someone believes that being celibate before marriage is beneficial, they need to be able to communicate why to their partner without bringing religion into the conversation.   I am not stating God shouldn’t be central part of your relationship, but one needs to articulate the reason without stating because the Bible says so.
    Also, there are many ways to make a girl feel desired without the actual act of sex.   I highly doubt that women are leaving him just because he doesn’t have sex before marriage.    My guess is they don’t feel valued or desired by him.   

  8. 188
    ryan billingsley

    When someone states a certain moral code (no sex before marriage), we have preconceived notions of what this person is like.    
    I am fine with no sex before marriage.   But I am not fine with someone who is a religious legalists.  I am not fine with someone who believes that the Earth is 6000 yrs old.  I am not fine with someone who believes that unbelievers are spending eternity in flames of hell.    I am not fine with someone who thinks Sarah Palin and Kirk Cameron are awesome. 

    1. 188.1

      You are free not to be fine with those people that value what you disdain. And they are free not to stop valuing those things to be considered approval-worthy.

  9. 189

    Dear Jon,

    I am giving you a standing ovation for your belief system.  I too feel that sex is for marriage and to be protected within the security of a commitment founded on love.  I think the responses you have received are a sign of the times.  With the divorce rate so high and other issues that spill over from this issue have gotten to the point that people truly want to ask why it will make perfect sense that the character of the person is what is to be questioned.  All my best  

  10. 190

    I don’t want intimacy before marriage I wish that they wouldn’t force it but also the man woman buzz has to be there.there are many people and women who do not want intimacy before marriage.Some of the comments here for not consider being taken advantage of.
    He’s not out dated.it is cruel and hypocritical how soc predates on us as younger to brainwash us and when we get pregnant make us name fathers etc.I am fed up with religious hatred being used to.I didn’t get to read it fully but pray.there are women who want to wait.it is good if we leave before intimacy as no harm done.it is the same as it is for sexually active people only they give themselves away before and they decide they are not going to stay.I hate the anger when one says no it frightenes me in law this is coercion.they even try to attribute it to psychiatric problems to get you /to do what they(society ) want you to be that’s insane and cruel and coercion.and more and more.if you compromise yourself you will grieve.don’t maybe they are not the right people for you.i
    t takes longer and then I Emden be able to hold a job down too it wild have to be OK.

    You don’t have to have sex to see if you ate going to “fit together”

  11. 191

    Like it’s been said if you don’t want sex fine, but unless you are looking for a virgin someone who has had it in high probability will want that feeling again. Digital stimulation is perfectly acceptable, if she respects your boundaries and you acknowledge her needs. I personally think oral is a rather intimate act. The fact that there will be physical chemistry with women you don’t think are right is the reason to give a little so you can give a chance to good match by not rejecting her for naturally feeling aroused by you. 

  12. 192

    I take my hat off to you. Where are all the men like you hiding? If I had one wish it would be that more men would see it the way you do. I sincerely hope you find a good woman who appreciates your values. Best wishes

  13. 193

    I wish I could meet Jon. He’s just the kind of guy I’m looking for. It makes me angry to read things telling him to compromise his beliefs. I sincerely hope he didn’t follow the “advice” given to him in this article and I hope he found a nice woman spend his life with. We may be a minority but those of us who hold to the sex-only-within-marriage view are still out there.

  14. 194

    Hey Jon!

    Congratulations for sticking with your values. I personally don’t believe a person with your belief system is “high & mighty” or prudish for putting a high value on sex. And from looking at the very high divorce right of modern times should tell everyone the our “modern” values aren’t working anymore in solving problems then the values of some generations ago.
    Sex does not solve problems nor does it increase compatibility. And it’s been proven time and time again that a sex relationship without any sense of love or responsibility to another person doesn’t last. That’s why so many people who put sex before love go from person to person to person. No matter how good it is at 1st boredom is guaranteed to set in….or you find someone you ACTUALLY fall in love with.
    That being said this site is the wrong place to get advice. It’s best to seek out a church or even an internet group that believes as you do. They may be in the minority but they are out there. I’m sure you will find women who value the sex act as you do.

  15. 195

    I think it’s important to not that Jon did NOT cite a religious reason for his views. I’m not really Christian and I’ve had this view as a previous staunch atheist.

    And to tell someone to get “off his moral high horse” is a high horse in itself. It’s beyond cavalier and dismissive. Give me a break.

    It’s unfortunate that such a view limits his dating choices so severely and he’s the only one to suffer here for his view. So it’s curious to hear such a backlash for his statements. Really – is there a person here that doesn’t “judge” a date based on perceived values? Really? Is that not an advisable thing to do?

    1. 195.1

      I love your response! Good for you for sticking up for Jon. I could not believe the “get off your moral high horse” comment. I can’t believe so many people have such a negative perception of someone that wants to have sex out of love for someone. And as you mentioned, a person doesn’t necessarily have to abstain for religious purposes. I know I certainly wouldn’t want to date someone that wanted to go to bed right away.

  16. 196

    Evan, this is an incredibly rude response to this man’s question. To some people sex is a sacred thing between a man and a woman who truly love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together — not something just to do for fun.
    Good for you for having a higher set of morals than most people.

  17. 197

    Sexual satisfaction is really very important in a marriage. Not being sexually satisfied can be a deal breaker. And not all couples are sexually compatible. No offense to the folks who wait, but it’s just not logical to wait until you’re already married to be sure that your spouse will meet your needs in bed. Good luck finding your girl, and do consider easing up on your abstinence. There are things you can do that do not cross the line of actual intercourse.

    1. 197.1

      I would agree. Waiting is not logical to most of secular society.

  18. 198

    Evan is right. In this day and age, waiting for sex is completely unrealistic and he will continue to lose relationships until he changes this about himself. Everyone has their own religious beliefs, but let’s get real. No woman wants a virgin long term. No woman. It is the same with woman who want to stay virgins until marriage. I respect their beliefs, but practically every man is going to want sex before marriage.

    1. 198.1

      And most folks will compromise on those beliefs. I guess it all depends on what is more important to an individual.

  19. 199

    I hope Jon you get to see my comment. I honestly haven’t gone through all the comments above because by the time I got to the 4th one I was appalled. I completely disagree with Evans and I’m amazed that a relationship coach has not yet realized the damage premarital sex does to a relationship. I would date you anytime by the way Jon have no doubt about that. There are many women out here looking for men that are waiting till marriage but you must be doing it in the wrong circles. Maybe you need to surround yourself with like minded people. There are even online dating sites such as eharmony filled with women waiting to get married so just widen your scope. Premarital sex will always remain morally wrong and to me it doesn’t matter even what a proclaimed relationship coach has to say about this matter. Sex was created to be had in marriage and having it out of marriage is like servicing a Mercedes using Toyota parts from Japan. I have been married and I talk from experience. Now divorced with 2 children there are many men willing to date and wait till marriage. It might be viewed as a minority view but it is the correct view. Keep waiting, you will build a much more stronger foundation than those falling into the trap of premarital sex. A relationship isnt built on sex and if someone doesn’t see that, they are not worth keeping.

  20. 200

    Hi Jon,
    please don’t compromise yourself. I consider men like yourself the rare treasure, in fact, there are girls with the same thought out there.
    like yourself, I would not commit sex outside marriage. 
    I’m not a virgin. I was once married, seperated for 2 years and divorced for about 2 years (so I have been on my own for 4 years now.) Trust me, it has been very difficult ( I do want to be with someone. ) 
    I’m not hot but am quite cute; very sweet and caring, easy to get along and etc, I am quite a decent girl. I could find okay dates without a problem, but then I would face the same problem as you did, just the female version. And hence I’m dateless.
    I am 33, been alone for a while, and trust me, I so want to be with someone. but I am not going to comprise and let go of my moral values. There were tough times when i felt like giving up. 
    but I know I will find someone who appreciate me the way I am.  I have only slept with one guy and kissed one guy in my life so far and im 33, but I dont feel ashamed, I dont feel like I missed out and even though I would have difficult time find someone, I will keep my faith. 
    You are doing great 🙂  please dont compromise. You will find her , it is all worthy

  21. 201

    good advice evan, tell him to jump on the mainstream band wagon….idiot.

    seriously dood i respect you and you do good work, but let people live life the way they want.

  22. 202

    There are so many people out there who have same preferences as you Jon; You are not alone. However, don’t doubt what you stand for. The right lady will come at the right time.

  23. 203

    I think your point of view is certainly incorrect. How about following what God says in the bible for the set standard. Just because everyone is doing it- isnt the best answer. If everyone were doing meth and I am not… Does that mean I should drop my health standards to date someone? Ur line of thinking is not only illogical, irrational, but also numb to the effects of sin. Maybe if more women and men started raising the bar of standards to that of what God teaches in the bible- IT WOULD be EFFECTIVE.

    1. 203.1
      Karmic Equation

      The Bible also allows for bigamy/polygamy. So I guess we should all do because the Bible condones it?




      Please. Bible thumpers selectively pick and choose what to uphold from the Bible.


      Sex is a big thing. You know why? Because the MEN who wrote the Bible wanted/needed to control women’s sexuality. A beautiful woman who’s truly unafraid of her sexuality is a threat to men in a way no man can be to a woman. Women can get men to do things for sex. Women will do things for men “for love” but not for sex.

      1. 203.1.1

        As a card carrying Bible thumper (thump, thump), it’s not always easy sorting out the Bible and I can 
        that we probably don’t always get it right. Regardless of that, 
        technically, the Bible doesn’t necessarily *condone* polygamy so much as it allowed it. And yes, there is a difference between the two. Back in the day there were more women than men because they seemed to outlive the men. It’s theorized that polygamy was allowed so that women would have someone that could take care of them. And back in those brutal times, a woman had a better chance of surviving if she was married than if she wasn’t. 
        Further, there are stories in the Bible that show the problem with polygamy and the trouble people get themselves into because of it. Deuteronmy 17:14-20 is one of them.

        God’s original intention of marriage was one man and one woman. We see this through Genesis 2:24 where the use of a single man and a single woman coming together is mandated.

  24. 204


    I was looking for articles on how to find Christian men to date who will wait to have sex until marriage and stumbled upon this !

    yes, it will limit who you date but that’s a good thing! It’s self regulating; the person that you really want shares your values and worldview.

  25. 205
    Miss Nene

    No, not ‘most’ women.   How about when you give men some sort of ‘sex’ (without full intercourse) and then wise up and say ‘I am not having anymore sex outside of marriage” and he refuses to marry you? Guess the sex wasn’t that great!  Yeah, we all know about, and have experienced, lust. That is not love.  Once you fall in love, you clearly see the difference.  About time women wised up and waited for the ring, if that is what they want! There is a reason why men used to ‘have to’ marry a woman that they wanted sexually. Women are the prize. Men are supposed to treat them as such.

    This ‘try before you buy’ crap.. women and men are not a pair of shoes. And often, they still won’t marry you. So now, you may have had sex because you loved him, he still won’t marry you, and he had sex with you just to get an orgasm, period. Feels nothing for the woman.

    So if women (and men)  want to idiotically give their bodies and hearts  away and get nothing longlasting in return, don’t complain years later when you are single and never married  over the age of 40. Never forget that marriage separates the men from the boys. Marrying you shows responsibility, having sex with you shows nothing.  Marriage shows he cares about you, not just your body. Don’t pull this act, men, when you pretend like you don’t know the difference between a woman you just use to deposit your sperm in  and a woman you really love.  Women do the same. We can ‘use’ a multitude of men to give us orgasms, but love? No. Whole other deal. That is why sex still works best in marriage. Look at all the jaded people you have now because they chose to experiment with sex outside of marriage.

    When will you people get that it is not a ‘religious’ or moral thing, but a SELF RESPECT thing. When you REALLY love someone, you will want to marry them, and you will see that sex outside of marriage causes NOTHING BUT CHAOS! Look around you! That was the reason marriage was invented, to have sex between two people who are in it for the long haul. Once you meet someone that you want to marry, it is natural to want to wait, because you have this little thing called.. oh, i don’t know.. RESPECT for the man, and yourself! Anyone can have sex with just any guy, but when the man is important,

  26. 206
    Miss Nene

    As  far as ‘ineffective’, what’s ineffective is giving a man sex, expecting that he is going to marry you.   If you want marriage, tell him he gets nothing sexual until after the marriage. If he really, really wants a woman, he will marry her. That has been effective since the dawn of time, honey!

    1. 206.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I think we all catch your drift after 30 comments on the same blog post. You don’t believe in sex outside of marriage. Got it.

    2. 206.2

      …how true, and then, men leave shortly after the wedding…

      ..some women do have a hard time saying that powerful two letter word….”no”….

      …do you really?….huh…how interesting…”more happily married people”……ask them how many times they have forgiven each other..

      …over 65% of women , know little of the bedroom technique….you say the “greatest sex”..hhmmh..

      ..”I know several men over the age of 40 who claim to be virgins”…..this world is full of nice guys….

  27. 207
    Miss Nene

    No, you obviously missed the point and lol didn’t read all ’30’. I never  said it was wrong. I think we got your point in 3000 blogs that you’ve made. Everyone should just do whatever they want to do sexually and then complain about the consequences.

    1. 207.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Well, since 97% of people participate in premarital sex, I guess that leaves the 3% all to you and your God-fearing, holier-than-thou, judgmental, celibate friends. You win!

  28. 208

    Yes I dated a guy like this once, could not do it. I tried just could not. I think it depends on age too.  I am in my late 30s and I am not dating someone who won’t give it up.  Maybe in my 20s I would.  But there are some women who would have no issue with this, they are going to be hard to find, even harder the older you get.     If this is truly your belief then I agree don’t give it up just to find a woman.  that being said I think that marrying without first having sex is a very very bad idea.

  29. 209
    Kevin Mooney

    I feel Sex befor from Marriage is wrong.

  30. 210

    way to go Jon!!!!

    I would love to meet a guy like you!



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