Should I Stick Around If My Boyfriend’s Sex Drive Is Gone?


My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. This past month, our intimacy levels have severely dropped. A friend of ours who we confide in mutually passed along to me that my boyfriend told him that he just doesn’t want me sexually. He says he wants to want me, that I am beautiful and sexy to him, but he doesn’t have the drive.

Prior to this conversation with our friend, he and I had had a fight about our lack of sexual intimacy. I told him that I didn’t feel wanted by him and that I always have to initiate sex and that when we are being intimate, he doesn’t do any type of foreplay with me at all. I do all the kissing, touching, etc and he just lays back and enjoys the ride. Other aspects of our relationship were great, but have been affected by that. I know that this issue has made us both resentful and I just need some insight into how I can make him want me again. He says it happens to him in every relationship, that the sex starts out great, but he loses his drive if he is with a woman longer than 4 months. He won’t talk about it, so that we can get to the root of it and move past it and improve our relationship, yet he says that he wants to work on it and make it better. What can I do to help this situation? –Lena

The real question, Lena, is whether this is a black/white situation or a gray situation.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

If your boyfriend has no sex drive, never initiates, offers no foreplay, feels that every relationship beyond four months is doomed, and is not actively looking for solutions, then there’s nothing you can do.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

That’s black and white.

But if he acknowledges that there’s a problem and is willing to make adjustments because your relationship is worth preserving, there’s a chance of preserving it.

Really, it’s the same as ANY relationship dilemma.

If either party is willing to change, it’s got a chance; if neither party is willing to change and the status quo is unfulfilling, you’ve gotta get out.

Still, for perspective, your boyfriend’s experience is very common. Maybe not to the extremes that he’s taken it (NO sex drive. NO desire after 4 months). But since sex for men is usually about what’s new and exciting, it’s hard to keep things new and exciting with the same woman forever.

There’s no more conquering, no more unknowns at the end of the night, no more surprise about what she’s going to look like naked, no more wonder about what happens the next day… I’m not saying I’d trade in my marriage for this; I am saying that these are things that men often miss when they’re part of a couple.

Personally, my desire was always high when my girlfriend (now wife) and I were living separately – even after we got married. But once we moved in together (after about two years), my desire definitely dropped – which is to say that we didn’t have sex every time we saw each other.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

So please, understand, your boyfriend isn’t alone in his feelings. Men are not naturally monogamous, but many of us do choose it.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

If you want to make things work, do your best to not take things personally. Talking about sex and where your relationship is going is a sure way of killing desire.

Next, do your best to keep things interesting. Ask him about his fantasies. Role play so he can pick you up all over again. Come up with a game where he has to try to please you in order to win the right to be pleased himself. Anything to rekindle the spark and get back to having fun and making spontaneous love.

And if he’s not willing to play along, you have to say goodbye.

Not because he’s a bad man, but because he’s not a man who will keep you sexually satisfied for the rest of your life.

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  1. 1

    Another woeful tale of where we have gotten to as a society.

    1. 1.1



      One man/couple has problems and it’s society’s fault? I’m not sure I’m seeing the connection.

  2. 2

    “But since sex for men is usually about what’s new and exciting, it’s hard to keep things new and exciting with the same woman forever.”

    Since when is 7 months forever? That is still a pretty new relationship. It sounds like this guy has some big intimacy issues, if he can’t do anything but just lie there after only a few months of dating. On top of that, he sounds very passive-aggressive and withholding. I’m not sure how you can work on something that he won’t talk about.

    1. 2.1

      Forever>7 months


      If he can’t keep it up for 7 months, how’s he gonna do it forever?

    2. 2.3

      I agree!!!

    3. 2.4
      Kirsten Courtney

      I agree

    4. 2.5
      Yet Another Guy

      More than a month is often forever for guy.  Why do you think that guys prefer to hookup versus being in a relationship?   Men are not monogamous by nature.  Evolution rewarded men who where polygamous.  The ability of a man to spread his genome is only limited by number of partners that he can impregnate.  That is why sex and love are disconnected in men.  Women are monogamous by nature because evolution rewarded women who were able to secure a man.  The world has been a dangerous place for women for most of mankind’s existence.   That is why the number one female primal need is safety/security.  It is the reason why women tend to prefer taller/physically larger men.  The number one male primal need is the primal urge to pursue and conquer females.

      1. 2.5.1
        Your argument is invalid bro

        Im sorry but since when are woman monogamous by nature? Or connected by sex and love? Plenty of woman have one night stands with zero connection. Ive done shit with exes and felt zero connections. We are wired the same lol, its societal differences that change that, and we have (as humans of any gender) chosen to be monogamous because many social scientific study’s have shown that humans are much happier developing a deeper connection with another over random sex.

        You think I wanna f*ck the same guy for the next 30+ years? Hell no!

        if id have it my way id sleep with whoever and he would only sleep with me. And if he had it his way he would sleep with whoever and id only sleep with him.

        The reason why we are monogamous is because we are insecure and selfish and both people want to screw others but don’t want the other partner to be doing the same. but that’s ok, humans generally prefer it that way (except open marriages and relationship, but that takes a level of trust and comfort most don’t reach in a life time.) . Because love is more powerful than sex, but both are important in a relationship.

        So your argument is invalid.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          My argument is invalid in your mind; however, there is a large body of scientific evidence that backs my claim.  Evolution did not reward women who were polyamorous because they and their offspring did not survive in large numbers.   Women can be promiscuous today because the rule of law provides a level safety that was absent for most of mankind’s existence.  Even then, most of the women I know prefer to be a committed relationship when having sex.  Most of the men I know want sex without commitment. That is why it is said that women are the gatekeepers to sex while men are the gatekeepers to commitment.   Men need love far less than women need love.  Men are not emotional creatures. Men, on average, are emotionally unavailable.

        2. Andie

          THIS! So sick of hearing that women need to just get used to the fact that men aren’t meant to be monogamous. Women get just as bored. We just aren’t selfish pigs who use excuses about “lack of impulse control”. If men weren’t made for relationships just like women, then they wouldn’t get into them.

  3. 3

    SEVEN MONTHS into the relationship and he has lost his sex drive?  Something is very wrong here!  What then can you expect after 5 years?  At this point, there should be wonderful sparks between you.
    My husband and I were together a bit over a year before we married and we could hardly keep our hands off each other.  It took a number of years with very gradual cooling down but never got to the point where there was so much effort required.  Of course, the level of excitement cannot be maintained but we have a 9 year old grandson.
    Yes, men have more difficulty being monogamous.  Back in grad school, we learned about an experiment with goats.  Each male was kept with one female and as goats tend to do, they had a great deal of sex.  After awhile, the males were no longer interested.  However – when a new female was introduced, the male response level started all over again – very high!
    Sex for humans is supposed to be fun and spontaneous and not a CHORE!  I do not believe it should have to be worked at so early in the relationship.  He has problems that I feel are way too deep for you to solve.  If I were you, Lena, I would move on.  This is not the norm!

    1. 3.1
      cj m

      Sure, she should just outright give up because she’s not getting banged often enough… If something is broken, you fix it. You don’t throw it away.

      1. 3.1.1

        Actually, what you do is you move on. Like an adult who isn’t desperate. This guy is a flake and a loser and chances are she’s not being honest about, or doesn’t realize what a good healthy relationship is. So she thinks EVERYTHING ELSE IS GREAT… but if a partner acts like this, why would any healthy sane strong person decide that it was a good fit.

        He needs to keep looking until he finds a woman he can be attracted to long term. She needs to find a man who is all the things this guy is, only not a flake.

        There are guys who adore their wives and find them sexually interesting at a deeper level than just the “new” and even physical. The real problem with society is that even though we CAN be free and single for most of our youths, we cling to relationships too long and convince ourselves that “She’s the one”. Only after you find the real thing you realize all the other people you were with weren’t a good fit. People are too afraid to keep looking.

        1. ashford

          Perhaps she should support her partner and help him through any issues he has instead of abandoning him!

          He doesn’t sound like a loser, just someone who struggles in that area. Perhaps she needs to stop thinking about herself!

    2. 3.2

      I have experiencethis  he turned out to be a child molester and went after my daughter. He didn’t want to have sex with me but he went after my 11 year old daughter

    3. 3.3

      I’ve had this happen he’s gay

      1. 3.3.1
        Yet Another Guy


        No, the LW’s boyfriend is just being a normal straight guy.  I know that it is difficult for many women to comprehend, but guys place far less emphasis on feeling chemistry than women when it comes to sexual attraction.  I personally believe that the emphasis on chemistry is the reason why the average woman is sexually attracted to far fewer men than the average man is sexually attracted to women.  For guys, new and exciting is usually good enough to invoke the primal urge to pursue and conquer a woman as a sexual partner.  The problem with this drive is that it does not last. The problem here is not lack of sex drive.  It is the wrong kind of drive, or as Jeremy would put it, a different meta-goal.

        I know that I personally got bored with most of the women I have dated as sexual partners within the first three months of meeting. It did not matter how good they were in bed or how novel they could keep things. From that point forward, I was doing the slow fade while looking for my next sexual conquest.  I never appreciated how much having strong chemistry with one’s partner affects sexual desire until I met my current girlfriend.  As I mentioned in a previous post, she is not remotely my type, but we have amazing chemistry.  I used to think that a woman needed to slutty/kinky to keep me sexually interested, but all that does is keep things novel, much in the same way that lingerie tricks the male mind into experiencing novelty.  Novelty maintains a guy’s desire to engage in the act, not his sexual desire for the woman engaging with him in the act. It does not deepen his emotional bond with her.

        The TL;DR version is that most men do not need to feel chemistry to pursue a woman as a sexual partner because men chase novelty.  Men are far less selective when it comes to sexual partners.  In fact, a lot men will sleep with a woman that they despise if they are horny enough.  If a man loses sexual interest in a woman after short period of time, it is probably due to chasing novelty instead of feeling chemistry.  If sex is all about intercourse with the man failing to initiate passionate pursuit after the first handful of love making sessions, a woman can pretty much be assured that she was pursued for novelty.  It is best in this case for the woman to exit the relationship as soon as possible and never look back; otherwise, she is setting herself up for frustration and heartbreak.

  4. 4

    I suspect that his issues are a lot deeper than stated here.  She should get out of this before the real stuff hits the fan. 

    1. 4.1
      cj m

      You must be a very lonely person. If your first instinct is to run away…. I feel VERY sorry for you.

      1. 4.1.1

        Lonely is better than desperate and afraid of being alone.

  5. 5

    It seems that your boyfriend is agreeing with what you have accused him of.  While it may be hurtful, he told your friend flat out that he doesn’t want you sexually.  Your boyfriend probably doesn’t like emotional intimacy, period, and you pushing for MORE from him is going to make things worse.
    I think the first few months you are with someone you like and are attracted to are fun, and your boyfriend probably likes “fun”, but then when things starting getting deeper and more serious, he withdrawals.  I’m sure other people must have felt dread when someone is making things more serious than you can personally handle… and dread and amazing sex often don’t go hand-in-hand.
    Telling this guy how you feel probably won’t work for him.  Being fun and carefree and taking away ALL pressure possibly will… but that’s you compromising what YOU want.
    I’d say, if you want to give it a shot, do NOTHING sexually.  Lay beside him and do absolutely nothing but look hot.  If he eventually initiates something, tease and tease and don’t give him access to anything for as long as you can handle, and you just lay there and enjoy it.  But if he just lays there for more than a couple weeks like he is your buddy, I think it’s time to move along because you can’t change him.

    1. 5.1

      Im going to try this!!!!

    2. 5.2

      This is by far the most true answer, I’d take this advice if I were you.

    3. 5.3

      Great advice!!

    4. 5.4

      Well said. This helped me. Thank you

    5. 5.5

      My partner and I have a great time together but we have been on and off for 3 years for this very reason. I am older than him and feel that may be the problem. He won’t discuss it and claims it is not it. He can not be monogamous. I have always loved exploring sexually and like to be aggressive at times sexually. He doesn’t like me to be. I can’t make a move for fear of rejection.  I have tried everything but I have finally accepted that if I don’t expect anything I won’t be disappointed. I might add that I am a lot more attractive than most of his other women and alot classier, I guess would be there word for it.

  6. 6

    He could have intimacy issues but it sounds more like a character issues. He probably can’t become aroused with one woman because he changes partners like he changes socks.  I would have called the whole thing off after finding out from the friend he looses his sex drive after 4 months.  This dude doesn’t sound like a good bet for the future.

  7. 7

    So agree with the posters above! Very poor bet for the future!  I had the same situation with a man who has never married – we dated for 9 months and he broke up with me 2 1/2 yrs ago, saying I didn’t sexually excite him any longer (he expecting me to initiate, he having great problems sexually because he is a former addict, sober several years but never worked on his sexual dysfunction issues) – he has moved on to several different women, same problems after 2-3 months and on to the next………he met me for lunch the other day to see if we could “reconnect” – and he shared the same issues, again never sought help for this even though he told me he would when he broke up with me………..some things never change and of course, my answer was  a resounding “no”

    Don’t waste any more time with this man!  There are MUCH better men out there.

    1. 7.1

      Brenda you are me !! I’m having exactly the same with my partner. .he’s a drinker and smoker but after  six months of being together he’s lost his erectile and now his labido has gone for good and he says he will see his doctor but hasn’t shown any interest in doing so as yet, incidentally he’s been the same with past partners too but passes the buck each time saying they weren’t understanding but what the hell is a woman to do if she’s willing to stand by him but he won’t meet her half way by going to his doctor ? Makes me feel so down and frustrated with the situation  😕

  8. 8

    When a man looses his sex drive this early into a relationship the future prospects for this realtionship isn’t good.

  9. 9

    His “wanting” to work on the situation is completely valueless. It’s not his words that count. It’s his actions. If he’s not even willing to talk about it, there’s little hope for improvement. This isn’t a sexual problem. It’s a psychological one. My guess is that he could have an unrealistic expectation, meaning that once the initial intensity wears off (though four months is very early), he isn’t turned on anymore. Or it could be intimacy issues, or even just plain laziness, i.e. there are some people who have immature ideas about long-term sex. If they have to “work” at it by trying to be creative, imaginative, searching deeper for lasting fulfillment, they’re not interested. Only the exciting, quick fix will do. And all of this doesn’t matter really. If he has a habit of no sex drive after a mere four months with women he presumably found attractive, sexy and thus, highly desirable, something is wrong and he’s not a keeper. Imagine if you married, had two children together, a house, bills, overworked, long days, etc. How’s the sex going to be then with a partner such as this?

    1. 9.1
      Yancy Mendenhall

      My boyfriend & i have been together for 2yrs. The past year we have had no sexual intimacy.  . Its driving me crazy as im 44 & hes 58..he doesnt act interested in sex.. Like his sex drive is just gone.  ..he gets mad if i even try to talk to him about it too.  He gets on Facebook tho & looks up sexy women who show tits & ass.  I’ve told him how this bothers me but he still does it.  My hormones are raging out of control since i still have a high sex drive.  Im beyond frustruated

  10. 10

    I’ve never had this problem with a man, and I hope never to have it.

  11. 11
    Born Again Virgin

    From my first-hand experience, there could be a possibility that the man is a closeted gay.  I was married to one (just divorcing), and what is being described is a common trait among closeted men and women.  It gets darn-near impossible for a gay male to pretend sexual attraction to ANY woman when he’s fighting with urges inside.

    In my humble opinion, she should take this as a huge warning sign.  If it’s bad now, it has no where to go but down.  Taking the pressure of him will just let him believe you are okay in not having sex.  Trust me.  Did that the last 10 years.  If you don’t believe my say-so, then you can ask any of the men/women in my support group who have experienced this.  Look at the possibility the man is gay.

    1. 11.1
      cj m

      I think you should put more emphasis on the possibility that he is gay. This is actually not that far from the norm. There are a lot of reasons for this kind of behaviour (besides wanting the sausage festival) and for a lot of men it is actually something that passes.

      I had a similar problem once before with my current partner. I was very unhappy with myself at the time. I had little sex drive and it wasn’t the fault of my partner. It was more attributed to stress and a low self-esteem rather than anything.

      Before being so fast to put a guy down for something that you people regard as “not being normal” (because that’s all that I’m seeing from some women who REALLY need to learn what the word empathy means) you might also want to open up to the possibility that there might not be so much of a problem at all.

      Of course if you want the D RIGHT NOW, then you might suggest having a third partner. Either a guy for your tastes or an extra girl to see if you can’t perk the guy up. Of course this might not solve much either.

      A loss of sex drive is an INCREDIBLY complex issue and it is certainly not something to be underestimated.

      A lot of you people in these comments are not too dissimilar from a person mocking the sick. It’s rather horrifying if anything.

      I have lost a lot of my faith in humanity from reading the responses to this question…. 

      1. 11.1.1

        But this guy has this issue with lots of women. And odds are that he has deeper issues. And 7 short months in, it’s not her JOB to fix him. Even if they were married… it’s HIS job to fix him.

        And all this gutless, sniveling coward can manage to do is whine to his friend. This is probably how he “breaks up” with women. Or he’s trying to elicit some other response from her.

        And I’m a guy, btw. And I think most women have so little self-esteem that they often make bad choices because they are TERRIFIED of being alone, or being seen as being alone.

        Leavening now is the smart thing to do. Acting like every person you date is deserving of your devotion through anything is childish.

        1. Stephanie

          Yeah this is kinda the stagnant point in the relationship. She might be better matched with someone else who matches her sex drive. If that’s how it happens for him then… They’re time is up. Unless he’s willing to also make compromises as far as letting her see other people ect. No chemistry. No relationship.

      2. 11.1.2
        C Mac

        I appreciate this response, your perspective on this post has been beneficial to me.


        Thank you,


      3. 11.1.3

        I agree with complexity as a great point to make. Patience in these situations is needed… Getting to the root of what may REALLY be going on is also needed sometimes. Even going to a counselor together helps perhaps. Authentic Tantric lovemaking can be a good start.

    2. 11.2

      Lol @ this comment. Though I agree there are a lot of closeted gay men; that are currently doing this exact same thing. It’s completely illogical to say that just because he’s not having sex with her or turned on by her after 4 months , means that he’s gay. I’m gay, I’m dealing with the same issue. I haven’t slept with my partner in over a week. Haven’t wanted too. I am still very much attracted to him. But what I’m not attracted to is the current situation he’s dealing with. It’s s lot that can stop a person from wanting to be intimate. His or Her sexuality isn’t always at the top of the list.

    3. 11.3

      Yes sister I’ve been living this lie and abuse for 9 years

  12. 12
    Flower White

    I have to say it because I live in a city with a large homosexual population: is he bisexual and just tired of you?

    Otherwise he’s not into you. imho

  13. 13

    I have been in a situation like this and through bitter experience I can say that the worst thing you can do is listen to people who try to be heplful by suggesting you do this, that or the other. “Spice things up” “play it cool” “talk to him” “go to therapy” “get new lingerie”…. it is all utterly pointless. I participated in an online forum for people with “mismatched libidos” for a couple of years, and you know what? In the whole time I was on that forum, there were NO men who were the low libido partner in the relationship who joined the forum seeking help support or insight. There were women who wanted more sex than their men, tearing their hair out. There were men wanting more sex than their women, also tearing their hair out. There were also a lot of WOMEN who wanted less sex than their men, but who realised this was causing problems and threatening their relationship and who wanted to find a way to move forward, somehow or other. But like I say, there were NO men like your partner seeking a way forward. All that happens when you try to “solve” a situation like this is that you end up dancing round a maypole, while your partner stands still in the middle doing nothing. Any plan to solve any sort of relationship problem should involve BOTH partners actively committing to what HE is actually going to do, and what is it that YOU should do, in his opinion. Unless HE comes up with such a plan, and the input he suggests is equal on both sides in your view. then don’t waste time here, because that is all that you will do. Sorry to be so negative, but you cannot solve this on your own – nor should you even try. Good luck to you…

    1. 13.1
      cj m

      “I have been in a situation like this and through bitter experience I can say that the worst thing you can do is listen to people who try to be heplful by suggesting ”

      I once found that a girl cheated on her husband for being too nice to her…. So he should go into every relationship from that point onwards and just be a dick to every girl he meets…. That sounds like your kind of advice!

      Your experience is irrelevant because your knowledge is inadequate. 

    2. 13.2

      I agree with Helene. I have been with my partner for 3 years. This past year we’ve lived together and the entire sex situation has dropped considerably. He is stressed, not confident, it’s not me it’s him, he’ll do better, he’ll kiss me more; all of it gets better for a week and becomes empty effort that’s forgotten very quickly. Having my man kiss me and try to have sex with me because I asked him to? That’s not a good feeling either. I’m all over forums seeking solutions. No matter how much this ENTIRE YEAR I’ve tried helping, talking, spicing it up, getting it up myself, investing in products, trying everything…he falls short of all this effort…to the point where he believes he’s just “not an intimate person.” Tell me, when two people live together, is sex once every 4 months believable? Is 5 pecks max, 0 minimum a day normal? Is NO deep kisses initiated by him ever, unless after I beg, normal? He swears he’s very sexually attracted to me and I’m incredibly beautiful and he’s aroused but I just don’t see it, I only see it when he’s not, etc. etc. When my eyes follow him all the time, normal? When you love a person this much and pay attention to them and do all you can to help, but you still find yourself wondering, no matter how worried he can be for you or all that he does for you, because of the lack of sexual attraction hole you believe yourself to be in, is what he feels LOVE or just CARE? Is it worth suggesting someone that hasn’t spent much time with this person to owe them anything to STAY in a stagnant relationship this early on??? I say move on! Taking all this advice does nothing for me and many other forum people. I can confidently say I’ve tried everything… so maybe it did give me something. Not an improvement in my relationship mind you, but the confidence to say that if my relationship does end because of this… then I can look him in the eyes and say that I’ve waited for him, I’ve tried my damnedest for him. I’ve tried everything and after all this time, I’ve learned that I can’t live like this the rest of my life. So others like me…

      “Unless HE comes up with such a plan, and the input he suggests is equal on both sides in your view. then don’t waste time here, because that is all that you will do. Sorry to be so negative, but you cannot solve this on your own —  nor should you even try. Good luck to you…”

      1. 13.2.1

        Wow, this really speaks to me (not to sound cheesy). I have the same problems with the begging for deeper kisses, is it really love or is it just caring? I’ve reached that point where I’m going to stop trying and stop thinking that I have to find the solution, since he’s the one with the problem. He says that all of his previous girlfriends have complained that after a while he doesn’t have sex, doesn’t give them complements, etc, and that’s just the way he is. We are very lovey-dovey like, being cutsy and peck kisses, and playing around, but I have to beg him to have sex with me at least once a month. I’m 29 and have always had a bit of a high sex drive, he’s only 31 so I don’t think this should be a problem! He’s also very dedicated to his job, which I think really affects his energy levels, etc. I warned him yesterday that this lack of sex and intimacy is just not acceptable, he says he’s going to try and that he’s scared that I’ll leave. but basically I think I’m going to have to follow Jona’s advice and head out if something doesn’t change soon.

  14. 14

    Stop looking for reasons or believe everything you’ve heard. He saying, “…it happens to him in every relationship, that the sex starts out great, but he loses his drive if he is with a woman longer than 4 months,” is an answer he came up with because you keep asking him. He is telling you he has lost interest in you. It could have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Men are not machines, and if something about a partner isn’t working for them, they can turn off sexually. In all honesty, do nothing other than move on and accept it.

    1. 14.1
      danielle Ru

      Thanks i needed to read this. It hurts since I’m in this situation. But it’s a fact.

  15. 15

    He sounds like he has some real deep-seated sexual issues, maybe intimacy issues as well.

    Even if (and I don’t think this is the case at all) he has gotten bored with the same ol’, he would warm up once things got going. But if he lays there and doesn’t kiss you or explore you there is something seriously wrong. He admits this always happens to him so clearly it’s not you, and no amount of lingerie, and games, imo, are going to change things.

    I’d get out. But if you love this guy and think he’s the one, the only way I’d stay is if he agreed to couseling, and I’d be watching closely to see if he shows genuine action in finding a solution.

    1. 15.1

      yeah i have the same exact problem with my bf! he never initiates sex and i usually have to do it. As a woman it is tiring and he does not seem to be into it at all. I have tried so many lingerie , nighties etc  in the past but got tired of him not wanting sex at all. I think its because he is into other women too but does not love them but like women’s bodies in general so I guess he would rather fuck all women but cant do it because hes with me and doesnt want to upset me

  16. 16
    Flower White

    He’s not into her!

  17. 17

    IMO, if a man can’t get it up because he needs a new relationship every 4 months, then he is a loser. Don’t waste your time on him. To the OP, why would you want to stay knowing how he is??

  18. 18

    It’s a heartbreak now, but better now after <year than after a decade of marriage and two kids. Then you've got the challenge of deciding which is the lesser heartbreak – coping with a sexless marriage or breaking up your children's home.

    1. 18.1

      Open the relationship if it’s even worth keeping. There’s only one descision. I’m getting ready to leave a relationship like that now. That shit is pointless. I wouldn’t work harder on it. It’s not working now. Thank each other and move forward. Go be single and have a good time doing what you want.

  19. 19

    Is he very young? He sounds very selfish and lazy. Perhaps he doesn’t have a real idea of how sex in a long term relationship is. It’s less exciting, but more comfortable and fine tuned.

    I must admit the possibility of him being gay/or bisexual popped into my head right away. He may really be gay but the excitment of a new woman can help stimulate his mind to the point he can sleep with her. A better question is “Was he ever REALLY into sex in the beginning?” and also how much effort did he put in initially v. now?

    Best of luck to you. I’m not sure if I agree that men aren’t naturally monogamous but I’m certain you can find plenty who will be regardless. Don’t let it get you down.

  20. 20

    I agree with Michael #14. Yeah, it does sound like he doesn’t want you anymore. Good for you because you can certainly do better.

  21. 21

    Interesting. I’ve been reading a lot about this lately for a couple of reasons.

    1. I am sick and tired of men blaming their lack of desire on their need for variety.
    2. I am sick of men blaming their need to cheat on their partners, because their partner has a sexual preference that does not include porn induced lust.
    3. I am sick of women writing in like this woman, believing in her heart, she must be either doing something wrong, or that she can fix him.
    4. I am sick of men saying that women need to spice things up or else he will get bored.

    The issue here, is with men. And they need to begin to own their problem in this area, instead of blaming women.

    It is complete BS.

    There are men out there, that connect sex with emotions. But what that REALLY means, is they connect sex…with a female that they care about. The deeper the bond these types of men have with a woman, the more they will want to feel close to her through sex.

    So many men, in this porn induced culture had their first sexual experience in a lust based environment. Therefore, they try and re-create the lust environment to get their sexual needs fullfilled. Hence, it is the womans fault for not creating this “lust” environment to “fullfill” a man’s sexual needs.

    BS..he’s done this to himself.

    I realize now that men who cannot attatch their emotions to sex, are simply not worth your time. I know how to pick them…bully for me.

    It sounds like the OP’s BF has attatched sexual desire to lust based situations only, which for him was probably variety. Not every man is like this.  Let him go, move on.  He will never connect with you.

    And more men need to wake up, instead of blaming women for what they are doing to themselves.

    1. 21.1

      Wow… I’m kind of shook up by your analysis which I think is dead-on. I’m afraid you have described my soon-to-be-ex bf to a T. He once told me he never watches porn. I don’t believe it for a minute. I stalk him on Twitter and his main contacts there are a cesspool of women who attract attention by trying to out-slut each other. I’m not thinking too clearly, sorry.

      This bf has recently been very uncommunicative and non-sexual with me and told that (bingo!) he has a problem with long=term relationships– defined as anything lasting over FOUR MONTHS! He said he is working on this, and sadly I know HOW he is working on it– by sitting downstairs (we live in the same building) drinking too much, sleeping too much, watching football, and ignoring me.

      I am really at the end of this thing now and sad about it because when it was fun, it was SO MUCH fun. Now I guess it’s over….

      1. 21.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Once a guy changes from who he was when he was courting you to who he is when he is in a relationship with you, you need to forget the guy he was when he was courting you. You need to evaluate your happiness and relationship based on who he is now and how you feel now.

        If you don’t like who he is, how he’s behaving, or how he’s treating you, you should break up with him.

        Who he was when he was courting you wasn’t the “normal” him. And you probably weren’t the “normal” you either during that time 🙂

        If you’re only 4 months in and he’s already saying he has a problem with LTRs, he’s not that into you anymore.

        Cut him loose and find a man who can better meet your needs.

        1. Trilby

          I’m afraid you’re right. Very accurate assessment. It’s sad tho’ and makes me not want to be in any relationships ever again, which I can do because I’m fairly old now. I was happy being single after a bad marriage and that lasted 5 years. Then I started this thing with the much younger guy downstairs. But you’re right, the fun isn’t coming back and I’m not sure I’d be happy to just be his supplier of cigarettes and vodka. Yeah. I’m out. Thanks for the reply. You are right on target!

        2. Christine

          Thanks for the words of wisdom–I’m seven months in my relationship and I’m sure that slowly but surely, our “real” selves will come out more (the sometimes cranky sides, etc.).  It’s like the Chris Rock joke that on a first date, you aren’t meeting the real them, but their “representative”!  I think we’re both slowly starting to see each other during our “worst” behavior, not just our “best” (so far no major dealbreakers but it still pays to be observant)

    2. 21.2

      I have the same problem. My man was the same from very very early on.  No touching etc. Now he can’t even kiss me other than a few pecks, no sex nothing.  I can from the way he behaves with everyone that he has intimacy problems, he can’t even cuddle my grandchildren. Has no idea on a lot of things. Basically I decided to stay for nearly 16 years in a relationship such as this. It never gets any better.  My advise if you want a loveless relationship and someone who never wants to spend any time with you and always sleeping then by all means stay. Otherwise find someone who actually WANTS to spend time and wants to be intimate and connect with you. Don’t stick with a selfish Self centred individual.  Think think and look beyond those rose coloured glasses

      1. 21.2.1

        In regard to the above post….Is it possible that your man was sexually assaulted at any time in his life ?  Men don’t want to talk about this subject and many men will never tell their partners ( or anyone ).   It’s a COMPLICATED set of emotions they are trying to deal with ALL ON THEIR OWN.  I don’t know if this is applicable to the original post,  but something to consider before resorting to name calling and insults.

        If your man (or woman) has serious intimacy issues and you want to help them……Do some serious research and approach without judgement.  There is alot of information on line now about the many consequences of experiencing a serious trama.  Abuse happens in many different ways…..and people are generally not “assholes” or “losers” for no reason.


    3. 21.3

      As a guy, I agree.


  22. 22

    I don’t want to be another negative voice here, but I have to agree with the other posters that something is wrong with this guy. I think that sometimes women jump on the low sex drive issue too quickly – not realizing that a guy might be stressed and just needs some time or might have a lower libido than his partner (something that’s hard for me to accept since I always think of guys as being sex crazy all the time!). However, four months is the “just finished dating and starting a relationship” phase, it’s in no way enough time to get old and tired of being with one partner. And especially if this happens to him in every relationship, there is something really really wrong here.

    1. 22.1
      cj m

      I got somewhat turned off to sex very early in my current relationship and I’m now so active that my girlfriend needs time to recover pretty often.

      If this happens in every relationship, it’s not a good sign but I’d not give up on it so soon. It’s not so simple to pinpoint the reason for this.

      He might get over it, he might not. He says he wants to want sex but is unable to get the drive… that’s concerning to me because I’ve seen this happen before and it’s often a very genuinely terrifying prospect for a man. He might not even have the slightest clue why. 

      1. 22.1.1

        Hey cj m, I have noticed that despite one poster saying “men never post for help” you do seem to have experience. Would you mind sharing that experience?  You said you were “turned off to sex”, what had turned you off?

    2. 22.2

      He needs to travel the world raise money while he is travelling go to many parties and just enjoy life. Some men need that change it makes them feel alive. Everyone is different we are not animals and some of us are odd but that is fine.

  23. 23

    That was a pretty insightful comment, Annie. The idea of sexual desires only being present in lust based environs is a real thing for some folks [not just men], and I believe at the foundation of that is sometimes a fear of intimacy and transparency…not all the times, but def sometimes. 

    And, I also do not agree that most men are not wired for monogamy. I believe they are told that their sex drives are untameable therefore unblameable and this is a narrative that is also shoved down women’s throats since we were girls. And with the ‘studies’ to back and ‘prove’ it, we women usually silently accept that most of our men will ‘struggle into monogamy.’  So, we grow up believing this is the reality, because men tell us it has to be our reality.

    1. 23.1

      Most men have some kind of “struggle” with monogamy…it is what it is. Sorry you can’t empathize.

  24. 24

    I had to think about this one for a while, but the more I thought about it, the more I agree with Starthrower, Ruby and especially Annie @21.
    Something not too far off from this happened to me a few years ago, when a partner of six months started to say that he didn’t feel “connected” to me sexually anymore and then found a way to imply that it was something that I was not doing… although when I confronted him about the fact that he was still initiating sex on a regular basis, it couldn’t be that bad, now could it?
    His exact quote was, “I can’t answer that.”
    The problem was, he wanted to keep upping the ante… lingerie wasn’t enough, different positions weren’t enough, different places weren’t enough, etc., etc… and it was just SIX months!
    I really became bothered by this sense of entitlement he seemed to have that because he was no longer “pleased” (so he said) that I needed to keep doing more to keep him interested. He was 40 and had never been married… yet claimed that he wanted to be. I told him when we began dating that I was interested in a long-term commitment… and he agreed that he was as well.
    But I realized that one thing I was not going to do was jump through hoops sexually to “prove” that he should want to stay with me. And perhaps it wasn’t me or any past women that were the problem — maybe the “I’m not that interested in sex with you the way you’re doing it” issue was the excuse he used to get out of a relationship that appeared to be getting more serious because he was certainly fine with it 3-4 months earlier.
    Like Annie said, I am very bothered with the men who have taken too many cues from porn culture (whether they watch regularly or not) and expect that they should be in a lust-filled sexual situation at all times… and if a girlfriend of 6-7 months is not continually “performing,” then he’s no longer interested and will move on because he’s bored. What a ridiculous sense of entitlement these types of men have… and way to give their partners an unnecessary complex! I tell ya, even though I had a pretty healthy sense of my own sexuality, dealing with a damaged man like that caused me to have doubts when I entered into the next relationship, and I had absolutely no reason to feel that way about myself!
    I didn’t address the gay/bisexual issue because that’s out of my realm. But this whole culture of “getting bored” sexually with a woman after a few months and looking for the next best thing is quite sad… I’m not surprised that these guys don’t have lengthy relationships or end up messing up the good ones they have, because their priorities and mentality are totally OFF.

  25. 25

    “He says it happens to him in every relationship, that the sex starts out great, but he loses his drive if he is with a woman longer than 4 months.”

    RED FLAG. He is telling you out right that he can’t really commit to a woman longer then 4 months. I went out with a guy on the first date told me that his relationships never lasted longer then 3 months. When I asked him why; he kind of just shrugged and said that he got restless. As far as I was concerned, the date was over right there. He was telling me outright, whether he realized it or not, that he doesn’t take women very seriously.
    And I 100% agree with ckay’s comments about not agreeing that men are not wired for monogamy and therefore how “untamable” and “unblameable” men are for these actions. The truth is that both and women are *wired* for both. It’s about what *you* as a person choose. Because monogamy and having many partners supports two different drives in both men AND women. Women have these drives just as much as men do. New partners aren’t *just* exciting to men. However our culture seems to excuse men more for it. And we live in a mentality where women should be *thankful* that a man barely commits to us through his divided attention between us and porn and other socially accepted outlets men use to deviate from their partners for short periods of time.
    I would be curious what this guy’s porn habits are too. While it’s all new-age to say how great porn is and how healthy it is, look at our culture. Porn is neither great or healthy and it’s affected the way many men view sex. It’s not a mater of men being “programmed for variety”. I like variety myself but I don’t spend hours looking at porn making a self fulfilling prophecy. I wonder what this guys porn habits are.

    1. 25.1
      cj m

      I read your comment and felt like my brain was just dying… Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever read anything quite so ignorant and then I got to the…

      “Porn is neither great or healthy”

      Well… It’s not NOT-great and not UNhealthy. You aren’t compatible with some guys! Well done! It’s almost like that’s what dating is for! 

      “I don’t spend hours looking at porn making a self fulfilling prophecy.”

      You don’t sound like you have to. It all seems to be in your head, unravelling and rearing its ugly head in your comments. 

  26. 26

    You should believe any man that tells you he’s not wired for monogamy and drop him like a hot potato.  You’re getting a glimpse of his character – or lack thereof – right then and there.  I’m obviously not saying that all men are like this because they are not.  I am, however, constantly amazed at people who don’t behave in accordance with their stated desires.  And to follow up with what Annie said, I like sex as much as anyone but porn has certainly set us up for ideal standards that are usually unobtainable.  It really does nothing to uplift one’s soul and has nothing to do with love.

    1. 26.1
      cj m

      “You should believe any man that tells you he’s not wired for monogamy”


      “And drop him”


      “You’re getting a glimpse of his character”

      Or you’re not.

      “Or lack thereof”


      “I’m not saying all men are like this”

      Doesn’t matter.

      “I like sex as much as anyone”

      And less than others, I am sure.

      “porn has set up for ideal standards that are usually unobtainable”

      If you are fat, ugly, prudish, closed-minded, incapable of fantasizing, self-concious, incapable of understanding the difference between reality and fiction, unable to see yourself as being different from an actor etc.

      “It does nothing to uplift one’s soul” 

      And…. Yeah! That’s not the goal of porn. Porn is meant to satisfy a desire. People like to watch others have sex. Some people live their fantasies in their relationship. My girlfriend and I have no stigma with porn and have had sex while watching it, found inspiration from it and met new people through it. It almost sounds like you’re that person with a drinking problem who has a problem with Bars.

      “has nothing to do with love”

      Well done! You deserve a cookie! It’s almost like your brain turned on just as you finished typing this drivel.

      I am also not really a monogamous type. I could live in a monogamous relationship but luckily for me, my fiancé is rather alike me in that regard. She used to be rather monogamous until she decided that she wanted to be more adventurous and share both romance and fantasy with me. So in that sense, the porn had some part in the love.

      I’m concerned about the mental well-being of the man in question. You’re just concerned with his porn collection. Seriously, the man you describe would have just left her ass a while ago and found a new semen deposit box.

      You only come across as being ignorant and inexperienced. Come back in 5-10 years. Open your mind too. 

      1. 26.1.1

        Well stated and right on the money. Obviously some women here think every man is supposed to be emotionally wired just like them, and when we aren’t and openly say we aren’t they label us as “bad” “of poor character” etc. etc. They think they’re supposed to be handed commitment whenever they want it, on their terms; whether they actually do anything to make us want to commit to them …well, that’s not in their game plan. “Get what I want, give as little as I can get by with” is the motto of the type. My advice? Run for the hills at the first inkling of that attitude you encounter, no matter what she looks like; she doesn’t want you any more than that, you don’t want her.

  27. 27

    I really like the comments made about sexual entitlement and this is something that I have not thought about. The letter writer should know that there are normal guys out there that understand what is reasonable and not.
    After reading this, I’m so glad that I found my current boyfriend, who is very reasonable. He’s not particularly big on foreplay (it doesn’t really bother me), and since he doesn’t do it, neither do I. And it’s fine with him – it’s not fair for me to ask me to do something he’s not willing to do himself. When I finally made a comment about it, he’s been trying harder. I can still see that it’s not really his thing, but at least he’s trying to make me happy. That’s how a guy should be acting!

  28. 28

    When a man tells you upfront that he is a certain way, i.e. loses interest in sex with a woman after 4 months, believe it.  This is a warning, a red flag.  If a man says he is “no good, will break your heart” as some have been prone to tell women, again – believe it.
    So many women feel that they will change the way he is, they enjoy the challenge, that he may have been that way with “them” but I am different.  It will be better for him with me!  I CAN CHANGE HIM!!!
    If he has bad habits and tells you about them, he knows himself best.  You will not change him!

  29. 29

    [email protected],

    I completely agree with you about listening to and believing what a man tells you.  As you say so many women think they can change the man.  In addition, some women just ignore him or pretend that he really didn’t mean what he said.    And, then they are shocked and angered when he behaves the way he said he would.

    In the instance of the OP, however, it’s not clear to me if the guy told her that he always loses interest after four months before they started having problems or after. Either way, I agree that what she needs to do is leave.

  30. 30

    I don’t know what exactly this guy’s issue is, but as long as he’s not willing to talk about it, and try and figure something out, the relationship is at a dead end.
    I wish the letter writer luck in either having a shift in dialogue, or in moving on.

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