Should I Stick Around If My Boyfriend’s Sex Drive Is Gone?

Evan,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. This past month, our intimacy levels have severely dropped. A friend of ours who we confide in mutually passed along to me that my boyfriend told him that he just doesn’t want me sexually. He says he wants to want me, that I am beautiful and sexy to him, but he doesn’t have the drive.

Prior to this conversation with our friend, he and I had had a fight about our lack of sexual intimacy. I told him that I didn’t feel wanted by him and that I always have to initiate sex and that when we are being intimate, he doesn’t do any type of foreplay with me at all. I do all the kissing, touching, etc and he just lays back and enjoys the ride. Other aspects of our relationship were great, but have been affected by that. I know that this issue has made us both resentful and I just need some insight into how I can make him want me again. He says it happens to him in every relationship, that the sex starts out great, but he loses his drive if he is with a woman longer than 4 months. He won’t talk about it, so that we can get to the root of it and move past it and improve our relationship, yet he says that he wants to work on it and make it better. What can I do to help this situation? –Lena

The real question, Lena, is whether this is a black/white situation or a gray situation.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

If your boyfriend has no sex drive, never initiates, offers no foreplay, feels that every relationship beyond four months is doomed, and is not actively looking for solutions, then there’s nothing you can do.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

That’s black and white.

But if he acknowledges that there’s a problem and is willing to make adjustments because your relationship is worth preserving, there’s a chance of preserving it.

Really, it’s the same as ANY relationship dilemma.

If either party is willing to change, it’s got a chance; if neither party is willing to change and the status quo is unfulfilling, you’ve gotta get out.

Still, for perspective, your boyfriend’s experience is very common. Maybe not to the extremes that he’s taken it (NO sex drive. NO desire after 4 months). But since sex for men is usually about what’s new and exciting, it’s hard to keep things new and exciting with the same woman forever.

There’s no more conquering, no more unknowns at the end of the night, no more surprise about what she’s going to look like naked, no more wonder about what happens the next day… I’m not saying I’d trade in my marriage for this; I am saying that these are things that men often miss when they’re part of a couple.

Personally, my desire was always high when my girlfriend (now wife) and I were living separately – even after we got married. But once we moved in together (after about two years), my desire definitely dropped – which is to say that we didn’t have sex every time we saw each other.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

So please, understand, your boyfriend isn’t alone in his feelings. Men are not naturally monogamous, but many of us do choose it.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

If you want to make things work, do your best to not take things personally. Talking about sex and where your relationship is going is a sure way of killing desire.

Next, do your best to keep things interesting. Ask him about his fantasies. Role play so he can pick you up all over again. Come up with a game where he has to try to please you in order to win the right to be pleased himself. Anything to rekindle the spark and get back to having fun and making spontaneous love.

And if he’s not willing to play along, you have to say goodbye.

Not because he’s a bad man, but because he’s not a man who will keep you sexually satisfied for the rest of your life.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Jay

    I really can’t believe all you  “stare down my nose at you” people. Sure maybe he has lost sexual interest in you. But that doesn’t make him a scumbag. His sexual desires are controlled by his hormones. And men aren’t built to have permanent monogamous relationships.  Help wise I would definitely buy yourself a toy and deny him any sexual access to you for a few weeks. He will come around or leave nothing you can do about it either way.

    1. 61.1
      twinkle

      ” nothing you can do about it either way.” Lol well one thing she can do is leave is he isn’t satisfying her needs; in case u haven’t realised, she’s the one in the driver’s seat here who’s seriously considering leaving. If he’s not satisfying her needs and if those needs are impt to her, then I hope she does leave.
       
      One thing I’ve realised is that ppl respect and like those who have boundaries and expectations and stick to them–as long as they’re not ridiculous ones of course. They have more attraction and respect for those pple than for those chameleons trying to please everybody. But men and women must know how to state these expectations in a classy, non-arrogant way.

      1. 61.1.1
        Dr.KLB

        Amen to this! Look out for yourself, take care of yourself.  If you want to spend your life meeting others’ needs and neglecting your own, there are plenty of people who will let you, regardless of their gender.

      2. 61.1.2
        Buck25

        Bottom line, if you’re in a relationship with badly mismatched libidos, find another relationship. It works better that way. End of story.

  2. 62
    ana v

    If everything else works and you love him and he respects you and loves you and shows you love, don’t just brake up. I think its easier finding someone to fuck you hard than someone to loves you hard. By saying he looses interest after 4 months, he may not be thinking that he wants to replace you or any other girl. Sex is just not his priority and he prefers love over sex. At the end of the game it is all about how mich of other quality this relationship has amd is worth of trying.

  3. 63
    Jeremiah

    I find this post to be very interesting. Mostly because I’m dealing with the same issue, currently. My partner and I have been together for a short time (3 months). This is the longest I’ve been with any one person CONSISTENTLY. I’m no whore, it was just really hard to find a good guy and then to have a lasting monogamous relationship. I’m 29 and I’ve had my fair share of sex. But I’ve always felt like it isn’t that important. I can masturbate with no problem. My partner and I were having sex at least twice a week in the beginning; which were the days of stay over. Over this last couple weeks I’ve just not been in the mood. He’s definitely noticed and hasn’t been happy about it. I’ve told him many times before, that I’m not big on sex. I’m completely attracted to my partner; but sex doesn’t rule my universe. I’ve told him that I don’t want to do it just to do it. I want us both to mutually want one another.

  4. 64
    fix

    Trust me. He’s gay. I mean no one would lose interest to his gf in 7 month.

  5. 65
    ACE

    I haven’t read through all the comments and not sure if I can be of help anymore, but maybe it’s part of his individual sexual identity? He could be in the asexual spectrum, and possibly nothing is wrong at all if this happens to him with every relationship. I don’t know if you two are still together, but if you still talk to him, maybe mention asexuality to him? It might open up some doors for him in terms of finding himself. Much love, ace.

  6. 66
    frogyuui

    im sorry but why do us females hav e to suffer…they should want to make us happy get help!

  7. 67
    T

    men definitely have feelings too…I have experienced a lot of sex that became less and started making many accusations as to why.

    for me,

    ive had two seperate guys, one 29 and one 43, such very different in personality etc, career. Both have said they don’t like the arguing and almost demanding side and this is a buzz kill. Being that two different people are saying th w same thing gives its legitimacy..

    I have come to this realisation and feel pretty horrible but lesson learned. As much as men “court”, yes, but we women have to take some responsibility and not put it all on the man and realise we act like little miss innocent while being court.

    By the way .. Just speaking from my own experience to give a different perspective

  8. 68
    Chuck

    In 95% (just came up with that) of these cases, you are nagging too much and he is sick of that. If you want him back, for the love of all that’s sacred, stop the damn nagging.

  9. 69
    Alli

    There are healthy porn uses and there are addicts. You’re gonna want to snoop. Don’t be offended by the types of porn you find but by the frequency. There’s a great chance he looks daily, pops, and doesn’t need you in that way bc he already popped. This is a thing, it’s becoming an epidemic. Some men can’t handle porn, some can…much like junk food or booze.

  10. 70
    kat

    I recently got out of a relationship where sex never happened.. and when it came time to talk about it, he had all the excuses.. anything from stressed at work, random body cramps to being over tired.. it was all crap.. he had no interest in being intimate with me yet.. had the urge to watch porn and treat himself that way.. it made me feel unwanted and unloved.. i was disgusted when i figured out what the cause was.. we broke up, i must say it wasnt over that,but it really should have been i wasnt getting anything out of the relationship

  11. 71
    Gillian

    Try 4 months he says things will change and he’s gonna go get checked out to see what’s going on here it is 3 years later and I’ve had just about enough sorry guys but honestly it’s not worth it to me anymore, I’d rather be with someone who is willing because they think I’m attractive.

  12. 72
    Gillian

    And it’s not nagging at him you can ask him for sex and he says no but u have to give it to him if he wants it if not watch out he won’t speak to you

  13. 73
    LC

    My boyfriend and I had a blowout over his lack of interest in sex, which is the second half of the story he finally admitted when speaking about his ex girlfriends.

    He has been gone for a week, presumably back to his mother’s and his own bed. But he left a $10,000 stereo behind, with me lol. …

  14. 74
    kay

    I have been battling this exact thing. It’s tuff and very confusing but ai can’t just give up.. He’s a wonderful person and he actually tries . He does a lot of the work when we have sex by choice … The sex isn’t very often .. I messed up n complained n complained about it but I was sooo confused. When talked about it with him. He said he doesn’t know . He thinks that its BC he knows he can have been whenever he wants me and thinks I’m a nympho hahah which I’m not compared to him maybe lol so he also went on to explain that he thinks maybe he was single for so much of his life he would just go pick up a girl from the bar and its fun trying to do so. He loves me he thinks I’m attractive he’s also honest and it hurts . he actually said he think he might have lost the passion in sex by doing what hre has done his whole life… So I am going to do my best to not mention it and hope to god things get better we’ve been together only 9months. He also adds he really doesn’t know these are just guesses but has exsperince this prob in previous relationships and its caused him to be cheated on n he knew why. The love is there but the fact I’m not longer a challenge is sad n sucks .. If eventually it don’t change idk what I’ll do but be heartbroken for life probably..

  15. 75
    Nbb

    Sorry you had to go through this! I know how it awfully feels when our body is wanting and needing that humanly desire and not being able to achieve that needs. We get so mad, frustrated, hurt, and all that crazy feeling inside us but this really doesn’t happen until our body is longing for it. It’s all that raging, screaming hormones that can cause all the mess.

    Your BF on the other hand might have other issue wether mentally or physically or both specially if he behaves that way. Telling other people that he doesn’t have the desire instead of talking it out directly to you is a sign of immaturity and you should move on.

    If he is a good person otherwise and wanted to change give him a chance if you are willing to understand further and want to try sacrificing for relationship. If you did so and the issue is still the same that it becomes unfair to you, by all means don’t suffer. You’ve done your part now it’s time to move on.

    Sexuallity is a big part for majority of us and a few exception isn’t. Several people in my circle ( family, friends, etc.) aren’t sexually active. Some choses to be single and practice celibacy, some have love ones far away from her/him for years, some don’t sleep in the bed together yet they are still together in good terms, and some just doesn’t have companion. The sexual hormones for these people isn’t just highly present. They don’t have sexual desire so it doesn’t cause any problem at all. As I said, the issue only becomes a problem because our body is looking for humanly desire. If needs and wants isn’t meet, all kinds of issue comes to the surface.

     

  16. 76
    Ace

    Mt boyfriend has the same problem, but we love each other so very much. If you’re like me, sex doesnt have to be such a big deal but closeness does. Talking about it does help, so it’s good that you’re asking questions like this! I’m sure he feels shameful, and he probably doesnt5feel like much of  man, so of course he doesnt want to talk about it! Nobody wants to think about things that would make them feel like a lesser person. What I do, is make sure he knows that I love him. And it’s hard to be so rest assured that he still thinks that you’re sexy when these things are going on. Just look at everything else the two of you have together and ask yourself if he really loves you, but lesve the sex behind while doing so. Give him time and space, and have him go see a doctor. If your relationship isn’t just about sex, then it’s totally worth saving!

  17. 77
    Dr.KLB

    I ended a situation like this a while back.  We had been together for two years, but we lived in different cities, and saw each other only around once every two weeks. At first the sex was CRAZY hot; we would have sex five or six times when we got to see each other. Then we had a three-way with another woman (his idea; I had done it before) and he didn’t like it, or her.  We went on fine for a while, then, sex became this very quick thing that happened only in the morning, no foreplay hardly.  Totally boring and not fun for me at all. Mind you, this had NEVER happened to me before. I asked him about it, and he claimed some bullshit about work.  I stopped trying to figure it out: was he gay? was there someone else? had I gotten really ugly all of the sudden? was he having ed issues, and refusing to acknowledge it? I ended it, and it was the right thing to do.  I agree with those on this forum who say to just get out of it.  You can’t fix him, and there’s nothing wrong with you, except you picked a selfish dud of a dude. Now, I’m with someone who can’t get enough of me, nor I of him. It’s been almost two years, and we keep reinventing our sex life.  It’s awesome, and it’s how it should be.  You can do better, sweetie. Don’t be with someone who makes you question your desirability.

  18. 78
    Esmeralda Chacon

    I been with my Bf almost 2 years we live together. Every time I would like to be intimate with him he doesn’t want to. I feel unattractive and I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Today I asked him if he’s being intimate with another women he said “no” I asked him why he don’t feel like having sex with me he said he didn’t now common I told him your a grown man 40 years old do give me that shit. I’m sexually frastuarted!! He said to me that I’m getting annoying and to stop loving him to much. That if we get intimate it would just happen. Seriously!! Wtf it hurts to damn much my self esteem has been crushed.

  19. 79
    Nat

    If a guys and gals are not doing it they should split up and move on there is really some one out there for every one. The split will be hard but why should any body be unhappy in there relationship.

  20. 80
    Yuck

    This woman needs to get over herself and quit being a sex-crazed whore. If he wants sex, he’ll marry you. End of story. Society is disgusting.

    And before you say anything, no, I’m not religious at all. I actually despise religion, spirituality, all of it. But the overall morals of this country are leading the rest of us down a VERY bad road.

  21. 81
    Lilacsky

    I think this is a very delicate situation where it can lead to disaster and heartache. I have been going through this myself and I’m also in a new relationship. I also get all kinds of excuses.

    I wonder if these men put themselves in their partners shoes….This is not healthy AT ALL! seriously this can do major damage to how we feel/ see ourselves. If a man doesn’t try its time to move on, period. If he does try I think its worth a shot, but if the trying stops than what? The thing is those that put time into someone can’t take it back, it gets old starting over all the time. Idk but this a selfish thing to do  because if a mans just making excuse when he knows damn well why he won’t have sex, its some evil bullshit. I agree with most the posters on here and that porn is a killer for REAL INTIMACY. I think people are selfish, and if you aren’t willing to please your partner but yourself…that’s some bullshit. Wtf is wrong with people?!? Depressing, and it does hurt. I know I’m dealing with it now. I really don’t know what to think or do anymore, done gave up.

  22. 82
    Willing to wait?

    I feel like crying just reading this but can’t My boyfriend is literally at arms length.

    I don’t know how it happened that his drive just went away. We used to do it at least once a week. Now everytime I ask he just sets me a schedule like this Friday or next week. Then when something gets a little skewed on his schedule it’s the first thing to go.

    What I tell myself, “at least he’s not cheating”

    But it is killing me when he refuses me. I feel so unwanted when he does that.

     

     

  23. 83
    james

    i don’t see what problem is , i was with my gf for 10 yrs neither of us had sex of any foam .  we had best relashionship ever . were still dating

  24. 84
    Amy

    Leaving your relationship is totally up to you! I will say that my relationship with my husband has been horrible.  We’ve been married 50 years and he hated sex, it was revolting, smelly, messy and turned his stomach to the point of throwing up. So in all these years we hadn’t had much sex, maybe a dozen times in 50 years. I wanted to leave but I thought things would get better, they never did and my family wouldn’t support me. I will say I messed up my life, no love, intimacy no children, saying Im leaving you would have been much easier when I was younger.This is my opinion I would leave, there is a guy out there who will love you and take care of you. Maybe you don’t think so but he’s out there for you. He may not be a hunk of your dreams, no one person can be perfect.

     

  25. 85
    Jmf

    Maybe he is really attracted to men.  It kind of makes sense – if you are beautiful and everything else is great….. maybe he sees you as a friend, and is attracted to the male friend that you two talk to. A lot of gay men try being straight by being in a relationship with a female, but it doesnt work out.

  26. 86
    Shaun

    Terrible advice! Actually shameful! Two reasons:

    1) Not to talk about it. That’s toxic behaviour and will further reduce trust and intimacy.

    2) Assumes it’s the woman’s fault. The implication being she just has to try harder to be sexually attractive and pleasing to him.

  27. 87
    VS

    I am a Gay man, I adore my partner and love him very much, we have known each other for over 10 years and been together in a relationship the past 6 months and have had no sexual intimacy from the start and I have tried everything. Like the said partners above, mine says he is attracted to me and aknowleges there is an intimacy/sexual problem and is “working on it”. But actually he has done nothing and nothing has changed. Not only does that result in resentment from me it ends up in dissapointment for us both! I think there are other underlying issues that need professional help but unless they do this (with or without your support), it will not improve, it cannot be one sided. It is not a problem unique to hetrosexual couples, and my partner is not straight.

  28. 88
    Kelly

    Rejection, resentful, and hurt.  No effort from him.

     

  29. 89
    Rodney

    Do you enjoy doing the same things as him? Do you take interest in the things he takes interest in? Camping, music festivals, sporting events, weekend float trips/getaways?

    It could also be that he despises his job and self esteem issues play big into sex drives. It could very well be money issues. I don’t think lack of sex is reason enough to leave him. Think about how society tells us that men are typically the ones who crave sex and women are the ones with “headaches.” Would you have thought it’s fair for the men to have just fled when their wife didn’t put out? I think that there could be several underlying issues. Maybe he doesn’t feel like you try to connect with him. Maybe he has low testosterone.  Maybe he’s struggling with something. It’s your job as a partner to find out what it is.

    Maybe he just isn’t a very sexual person. He could love you endlessly but his penis won’t let him express that.

    It’s just sex. If you truly love this person, find something else to bond with, to get intimate, outside of sex.

    Now if he’s not willing to do things outside of the bedroom with you, I’d understand because then it doesn’t sound he’s really in it anymore.

  30. 90
    Marcy B.

    It depends on why you’re with him. If you’re with him for what he has (or what you have together) and the sex is part of that (what he has or what the two of you have) then you will wish toIf you are with him because of who he is, then the gone sex drive won’t matter. I think you already know the answer. 

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