Should It Be a Dealbreaker If He Watches Transsexual Porn?

He Watches Transsexual Porn
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Hi Evan,

My boyfriend is great — he’s attentive, kind, generous, smart and funny. He also has a good job and his own place. The only thing is, he watches transsexual porn exclusively. As in a woman with a penis, except they don’t even do a very good job looking like women. I have talked to him about this and he says that he was very worried that he was gay at one point and still doesn’t really understand the reasons he likes this porn. Although he has reassured me he isn’t gay. I sort of understand because I occasionally watch lesbian porn.

The thing is, he was in the shed secretly watching transsexual porn when I was in the house waiting for him to come in, and I was more than willing to have sex. When I found out I almost broke up with him, not because of the porn content but because he was making me wait.

Have I forgiven too easily? He promised he wouldn’t be watching porn secretly in a shed when I am at his house (3 days a week) and making me wait to have sex. The reason he said he was in the shed was because we were ‘getting on top of each other’ since I had been at his house for a week.

Really appreciate your advice! —Lily

Yep, another transsexual porn question.

If I had a dollar for every one of these filling my inbox, I would have, well, a dollar.

Unfortunately, your smart, funny, attentive boyfriend has a fetish for chicks with dicks.

And while I’m very confident in the things that I know about normal dating and relationship dynamics, I’ll be the first to admit: I’m way out of my depth here. I don’t know any transsexuals, I’ve never coached any transsexuals, and I’ve never even thought about the existence of transsexual porn. Now that I have, I blame you for putting the image in my head.

But I am experienced and I am intuitive and I am hoping that what I’m about to tell you gives you strength and courage.

Get out.

I’m not saying this because I’m homophobic. Some of my best–okay, that’s not true. But I’m really not judgmental about people’s sexual preferences, as long as they have no negative impact on a partner.

Unfortunately, your smart, funny, attentive boyfriend has a fetish for chicks with dicks. And it’s not a particularly slippery slope to see how that might cause a problem for you down the road.
 
 
Because it’s one thing for a guy (or a woman, for that matter) to say, “Here’s my kink. I hope you can play along with it. Or at least appreciate that it’s what I fantasize about in my free time.”

It’s another thing when he’s taking your time together to indulge his kink without you.

There are other attentive, kind, generous, smart, funny men out there — who won’t make you compete against kinky porn.

It’s another thing when he’s openly questioned his own sexual identity and sort of/kind of decided he might like women.

It’s another thing when his immediate reaction to a week living with girlfriend is “must retreat to transsexual porn!”

It’s just a few too many red flags for my taste.

As a dating coach, I can give you a high degree of reassurance that there are other attentive, kind, generous, smart, funny men out there — who won’t make you compete against kinky porn.
 
 

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Tranny Ckicks

    I don’t think it could be a reason to get broken just for watching transsexual porn  because having fun with tranny chicks legal and also he just wanted to spend some time alone.  

  2. 82
    Don't perion

    A lot of men who like transgender women always say ” I’m not attracted to masculinity so I’m not gay” not all men are masculine and not all women are feminine. There are very effeminate males obviously because there are transexuals and guys who are considering transitioning that still kind of have feminine traits and they still bang the kind of guys we are talking about. So your not gay but you like to fuck an asshole with a huge dick and a set of balls bouncing in front of you even tho the person has a big fake butt and breast? Gay? Maybe not. Bisexual. Definitely.

  3. 83
    Jordan

    It’s sort of humorous to see the black and white answers from men vs women. I think the answer could be simply the fact that sex is a lot of effort. I’m not always willing to put so much effort into pleasing my partner so masturbation is an easy way out. Or perhaps the man has so many urges, that he doesn’t feel comfortable trying to initiate sex every time. ESPECIALLY if he feels that he is the one who is required to initiate sex. Men are often expected to initiate sex, which isn’t always so easy. I know I’ve been there. There have been many times where I took a “poop” when my SO was over. In reality masturbation is an easy solution and a pleasant and addictive release, to many hurdles of any size, you just need to ask, and not freak out. He may be embarrassed to tell you the truth! I’m not saying it’s good or bad. I suppose that is subjective, and I wouldn’t dare make a judgment unless I knew every inch of the situation. I hope the ladies will stop freaking out over guys watching porn. But that mainly tackles normal porn I suppose

  4. 84
    Lolly

    Well my hubby likes tranny porn. When we first met it had came up about what kind of porn we both liked. I was so afraid to tell him because   I had never told anyone and because of my hesitation.   He just came Out and told me he liked tranny porn but only the   .   Ones that look like women omg he knows their names lol . But a couple of day later I told him I like gay porn and im a 24 year old woman.   And our sex life is normal we have sex like 3-4 days a week sometimes more. But Im happy he   .   Told me I understand his point of view . I would never have sex with a gay man but watching turns me on and I understand   needing more than traditional sex to cum. We have also watched it together   and omg these men look like real women omg ….

  5. 85
    Lattice

    This is frustrating, because I am in a similar situation. I’ve been dating my dream guy for around a year now and recently discovered that he watches trannies have sex with men. I really don’t know what to think. He always asks homophobic. He doesn’t know that I know. He gave me his phone and asked me to help him setup a phone app, so I did. I called customer service on my phone. The lady asked me if I had the phone that I wanted the app on. I had the phone. She asked me to use it to go to a website. I opened up the browser and the current window had the porn. At first I didn’t think much of it. Guys watch porn. No big deal. I typed the address that the lady had given. While I did that, the connection was slow and it caught my eye that the lady had a dick. I was like wtf!. I felt sick to my stomach. Was my dream guy gay? Closeted? Or confused? I’m assuming that this was supposed to be a secret. Why would he hand me his phone with that stuff on it though? Did he want me to know so that I would leave? Maybe he just forgot it was on there? Should I confront him or let him keep his secrets? I wouldn’t feel comfy playing with his backdoor. I don’t want to help out with this type of sexual activity. Is it possible that he is straight and was just browsing, or it was a pop-up? If I ask him, will it jeopardize his masculinity? I am in love with this man and would work it out it it is feasible. I would rather let him keep a secret, than open a can of worms. I don’t know what this means for our relationship. I read comments from women that stayed and it made them miserable. I don’t want to be miserable, but this also makes me think about other things. When we first started dating, he was making all the moves on me. He would ask me if i wanted dick pics, and I would have to tell him to slow it down. Well, it came to a complete stop. We never had sex and it’s already been a quite a while. He doesn’t text, call or visit often. He does get very busy, but we text and maintain contact so I allowed it. He has never been mean to me and says the sweetest things. I thought he was still just being a gentleman and waiting for sex. What if it is because he just isn’t into me? Why would he drag me into this relationship to pretend that he loves me? We have known eachother our whole lives. I never thought he could be gay, but why was he watching this stuff?

  6. 86
    Lattice

    I think it sucks. These categories are so black and white. I believe there are plenty shades of gray. People are saying that gay men aren’t attracted to transsexuals. Not all gays may be attracted to transsexuals, but yes that’s what being gay is… Wanting to be with another male. Many lesbians are attracted to other lesbians that shave their heads and live life as a male, and they do this without ever wanting to be with a biological man. Porn is crazy and there is alot of weird stuff out there. Where is the line though? Is it possible that this is just something that people watch and it doesn’t go further than masturbation? Surely women can have rape fantasies, while never wanting to actually be raped. I want to stay with my boyfriend and hope that it’s just porn and not anything more than that. I don’t want to get hurt later down the road, because I’m not what he really wants. I don’t want to invest my love, trust and time into a man that doesn’t feel the same about me. I don’t want to get cheated on or left because he wants to be with a transsexual. I just wish I could look into a crystal ball and see if I’m it for him, if I’m the one. I think that he is the one, but this has brought quite a bit of uncertainty, and it’s hard, because there is no way to trust that everything will be ok. It truly hurts, because I don’t want anyone else and all I can do is stay and hope he feels the same or get hurt down the road.

  7. 87
    Lattice

    Nearly 190 million heterosexual men are attracted to transsexual women and actively seek romantic contact with or sexually explicit images of them annually.  I read this from a website. It said not to worry that my man was straight, and that straight men watch tranny porn. The artical doesn’t give me any relief though. It says that they actively seek romantic contact with transsexuals. Obviously, this is what I’m worried about in the first place. I want to be the only one. What I want to hear is that it is normal and he will never act on this type of thing!….sigh

    1. 87.1
      Dany

      Leave before they even seek out an actual trans woman. My ex-boyfriend of 8 years ended up sleeping with a transwoman he met at a transgender club in SF back in 2014. I stayed for a year even after he cheated on me as he said he made a mistake etc. but staying only made me anxious and depressed. At first, when I found out about the porn, we were three years into the relationship and I didn’t think much about it at that time as I was busy with school and stuff. But finally, around 2014, 7 years into the relationship, he finally told me he wanted to “explore” and that’s when he went to the club and met the transwoman he slept with. I was stupid enough to take him back after but soon I realized that we were sexually incompatible and that I didn’t want to wake up one day, 10, 20, 30 years in the future and tell me that he wanted to explore again. I felt so much better after I left him. I dated other guys but I haven’t found the one yet, but it’s okay. Life is better after you leave the guy.

  8. 88
    CF

    This column is remarkably bad advice.  In the first place, as anyone who has done even cursory research into human sexuality and porn knows, trans porn caters to some of the most common and universal male fantasies and is therefore almost ubiquitous.  In the second place, couples in new relationships that are growing close often find themselves feeling a bit crowded and looking to occasionally take a little temporary distance, either physical (like the shed) or psychological (like indulging in an activity that reaffirms their autonomy such as solo fetish play).

     

    I’m not saying there are not issues to be dealt with upfront with honest communication over how she felt and he felt and where are we going.  Make the rules.  But it sounds like they were working on that and you just said give up.  Bad advice and callous too.

    1. 88.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thanks, CF. Appreciate your feedback.

  9. 89
    Betty

    You people are so narrow-minded and scared of diversity you’d probably fit just well in a bigot world watching witches be burned at the stake.
    First of all you should have an honest heart-to-heart conversation with your bf telling how you feel about it and see to understand what is his viewpoint on it. You might realised has nothing to do with you. Maybe he’s bi a bit. Maybe he’s actually straight but has this fantasy of the woman taking control. He could be he’d love to have you peg him time to time (you know, prostate and everything) but doesn’t know/doesn’t dare you to talk to you about it so what’s left is the substitute of trans porn.
    Maybe it’s something else but until you guys sit down and talk you’d never know.
    Most of the advices here? Quit. Gee. You people really must dread the diverse, the different. Nazis or homophobics used to do it too. See what good came from them.
    If that’s how you all handle your life problems. Just quit, poor you…..

  10. 90
    Jamie Morris

    Amen!!

  11. 91
    Jk

    So ignorant. This should not be a deal breaker. He is obviously embarrassed about it, and insecure. Lots of guys watch trans porn, all of them straight. Gay guys arent into it, they just arent, because they’re attracted to men. He isolates himself because hes afraid that you wont understand, which you dont. Chances are when he watches it, hes probably fantasizing about you doing those thing to him. Let him open up and you can share in those fantasies together, and you’ll probably find the trust that comes after will strengthen what sounds like an already decent relationship.

  12. 92
    Nunya

    I’m a bi-sexual man that loves transgender porn. I’ve also been in a happy relationship for 10 years with a cis-gendered woman. I knew when marrying my wife that I had to make a choice between her and a transgender woman. I chose her, because I fell in love with her. She also pleases me sexually, and for the times when I’m craving transgender sexual experiences I use porn to satisfy that urge. I’ve spoken with her, and she’s warming up to the idea of watching the porn together to learn more about that part of me. We make it work, and I love her even more for that. This is a communication issue, on both parts. The woman needs to be judgement free, yes. But, the man needs to be open and honest about his sexuality. If both are comfortable with the situation, this is no larger an obstacle than any other communication issue that may come up in a relationship.

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