When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man?

253 Shares

The end of Wednesday’s blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech:

Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?

I discussed this back in March, but most of you weren’t reading then. So forgive me for recycling, but my views haven’t changed, and you definitely want to get in on this discussion…

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love–or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. This lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined not to be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals I do. I love women with loose morals.

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex.

The sex question is a popular one because it comes up in every dating situation. However, there’s no set timetable or finite number of dates that will let you know when it’s time to give it up. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. … That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number of dates, like the U.S. coming up with a pull out date for our soldiers in Iraq. Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

I repeat: Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, then have sex. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts? Men, I want to hear from you, as well…

Join our conversation (320 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 21
    Selena

    Yes Vino,
    I have to agree; reality is there are no guarantees. I’d like to believe that when *most* people marry, they do so believing they will stay together until death parts them, at least at the time they vowed it. But with divorce statistics at 50%, it seems half of those sincere couples are later proved wrong.

    Still, you took my quote out of context. It was in response to the person calling herself Dating Advice regarding having sex on the first date. I’ll stand by the theory that you might have a better sense about someone sticking around (at least for awhile), if you actually spend some time getting to know them, as opposed to just saying “Why not?” and sleeping with a virtual stranger on the first date.

    If you don’t care if it turns out to be nothing more than a one night stand (like Dating Advice) who cares? But some women (and men), ARE bothered by sleeping with someone who dumps them shortly afterward. For those folks, I wouldn’t say first date sex is well suited for them. That’s all.

    1. 21.1
      Charles

      My wife and I married after dating for three weeks, as I could get away from my base for the weekend. Sex was wonderful during the three weeks, and was that way until I became dysfunctional, and now she if having many “female problems” which her doctors have not been able to fully and successfully diagnose. We will have out 57th anniversary in August. We have had 5 children, three are still living. we also have 7 grandchildren and one great grand child. And, the sex is still wonderful when I can use my pump and two rings, and she can get over her maladies and I use plenty of lubricant. I am determined to be with her until one of us dies, or the Lord Jesus returns to take us home be with him for eternity.

  2. 22
    vino

    Selena,

    Actually, I meant the comment in the same context you used it (first date/early in dating). It also happens to apply to marriage.

    I happen to agree with your conclusions. 🙂

  3. 23
    hunter

    To Paul,

    I have heard of the biblical statememt, but, no sex ’till marriage, doesn’t that, create a somewhat, social paralysis for some people? I mean, one has the hots so bad, that, social functioning comes to a stand still…

  4. 24
    hunter

    to Paul,

    ….I am talking, lots and lots of young men(and some old), struggle with this…

  5. 25
    hunter

    to Paul,

    ..given, no one has ever died of no sex….

  6. 26
    Rusty

    I was recently racking my brain with this very question, and was rewarded by my correct decision on how to handle my current situation. I think the mentality of Evan here is perfect; throw out the rules, and just use the instincts that were given to us by Nature.

    A girl I met New Years recently came back in to the picture, and I believe there was some residual chemistry from our first meeting. I’ve been dating her for only a few weeks, but we’re just electric together with our eye contact, conversation and general attraction. As a result, I think our timeline was significantly reduced w/ both the long-term simmering that went on between New Years and now, and the satisfaction of having our thoughts finally realized. Our first time was amazing, and I still look at her exactly how I did when I first met her New Years. That’s how you gotta play it; just be aware of her readiness, in combination with your own, and then just be open and communicate about it. As long as the girl knows what you’re there for, things will be fine!

  7. 27
    vino

    “How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?”

    It’s ALWAYS okay to sleep with a guy! 😉

  8. 28
    Paul

    Rusty…go soley by your instincts? Are you kidding? Then what’s the difference between us and animals?

    Hunter is right, no one has ever died by not having sex. The only way you can not have sex is with Gods help. You could never do it alone. The drive is too strong. I don’t think as long as someone could sit here and explain it to women, they will never understand what it’s like… men are conquestors. We’re wired to be into conquest and if it wasn’t for that we’d all still be in mud huts. Just think how much more power you would have if you never had sex with the woman? When you have sex with her, in a way, she owns you. She controls things now…she owns the candy jar! You just want more of it…you’ve tasted the sweet stuff! You owe her something actually. You, in a very real way, took something from her and she knows it. And now it’s sooooo good that you will do anything, compromise just about anything, to keep the sex coming (no pun intended). Don’t bow down to societies norms. The hard way (again, no pun intended), just as in the hard decisions, are usually the right ways, or decisions. The easy way out, in this case to have sex, never is the best decision. Can you imagine what it would be like on your honeymoon, if you had honored God, and you actually got His blessing on your sex life? It would be better than you ever could imagine. Remember, He is the one who invented sex! He wants us to have sex, and enjoy the heck out of it…and in fact there is specific instructions from God (I think specifically to women…ha ha) to have sex and have sex regularly, only stopping for prayer and fasting, then to have a plan on when it is to commence again…it is that important! Just in the right context. It is to keep temptation out of your minds/marriage, and frankly, to enjoy for pleasure’s sake. It is for our own good not to have sex out of marriage…how much better would the world be if there was never anyone having sex outside of marriage? Lets see…no adultry, no STD’s, no unwanted pregnancies or babies born without fathers…on and on. And that my friends is the truth according to GOD.

    1. 28.1
      Karm

      Paul—
      I hate to burst your bubble, but your logic is flawed.

      STDs can be transmitted from mothers to children during pregnancy or birth. & STDs didn’t originate as punishments for adultery or sex before marriage. So they would have occurred regardless. Maybe they wouldn’t have spread as they did.

      & just because you are in a marriage doesn’t mean you can’t have unwanted pregnancies. & just because your not married doesn’t mean a pregnancy is unwanted.

      & just because you were conceived in wedlock doesn’t guarantee a child will have a father. Fathers can die: wars, violence, sickness, old age.

      It would be nice for everyone to behave the way you want, and it produced the result you want. But that’s not life; that’s a fairy tale.

      The best way to live life, I find is to be informed, plan ahead & roll with the changes.

      1. 28.1.1
        miranda

        karm you nailed it!

      2. 28.1.2
        Isaac

        Amen sista.  

    2. 28.2
      Craigston

      Go solely by our instincts? What is the difference between us and animals.?

      Very little difference actually.   Scrape off the very thin veneer and we are all animals.

      The real problem is denying and suppressing that knowledge instead of acknowledging and recognising it.

  9. 29
    khris

    Honestly I can’t handle sex without emotions UNLESS I’m on the prowl (hormones) which hasn’t been something I have been on in a very long time and I can only think of one instance were the guy called back but as soon as I became nice with him he turned on me and gave me the boot, later came back but was only looking for more sex.

    I personally can’t deal with sleeping with men I have dated, I already know if I sleep with him well I like him and he’s a potential for me so I prefer not to sleep with a guy unless I know in my heart that I don’t care to get that call again. Plus I don’t like other mens scent and energy on me which in some cases is very negative.

    I’m not the bible belt type either, marriage before sex but I can say that waiting has its benefits. Unfortunately the Samantha Jones of the world are next to nil, most women want more, desire commitments with men they sleep with. I have used to relationships to cure my loneliness and I know for sure thats not that answer.

    I say date, have fun, stop worrying about if he calls, just go with it but be aware of your feelings and emotions and always be honest with yourself. Bottom line is if you know your skin is thin like mine well its probably best to not have sex until you can function it all out, alteast thats what I have chosen to do.

  10. 30
    Hot Alpha Female

    Evan i think thats a wonderful standard to have.

    “Find out if the man is interested in you or in the sex”

    I don’t like the term dating rules. But if there was one rule to live by when it comes to this issue, THAT would be it!

    thanks for sharing….

    Hot Alpha Female

  11. 31
    Zhinnara

    It’s so ture and well said that there are no actual rules for when to have sex for the first time. It all depends on the indviduals and the circumstances. I personally prefer deeper connectedness with a guy and of course some level of commitment. But agian others might feel differently about it. The best way is to go by our own instincts and decide according to that. The bottom line is whenever you have sex, enjoy it without getting hurt emotionally.

  12. 32
    Mich

    Totally 100% Paul has it right. If a guy really cares, he will wait til marriage. I live in liberal SF California and – surprise – know a LOT of people who have waited til marriage, and NO SURPRISE they all have MUCH better marriages than those who, eh, took the honeymoom before they got married.

    Real love can wait. And, guys, there’s no bigger turn off to women than a guy who’s weak about sex. Learn to go for a jog, take a cold shower, and perhaps say a prayer now and then. I promise, you will have no regrets!

  13. 33
    Chance

    Hello Ladies,

    Welcome to the leftovers of the women’s movement. Instead of a guy treating you like a lady and trying to provide a good home, you are now treated like bitches and ho’s. It will take a very long time to heal the wounds of the seventies and eighties. You can start by not sleeping with a guy unless you really care for him. So many of you say, ” Does he want me or sex” ????? Are you really that stupid!? The males in practilcaly every species is designed to want sex with HIS perception of the fittest female. It may be a nice full figure, it may be a twigy and some it just might be big boobs. The thing is men think of sex on an average of 3 seconds for every minute he is awake. Women on an average of 14 seconds and hour. This is in a normal enviroment not one where you may be looking for sex, example; doing math in your cubicle with no opposite sex photos or work mates, or wiring up a building with no females around. The answer will always be HE WANTS SEX! It is up to you to make him want REAL sex with you. This is accomplished by not caking on make up, wearing push-up bras, gel or water filled bras, hi-heals, control top pantyhose, hair extensions, and definitely not acting un-interested. Playing hard to get only works on guys that want to conquer you or notch their bedpost. If you truely want someone to love you for who you are… be you! Let them know what they see is what they get, don’t be affraid to experiment and make him happy. News flash, the more you make him happy the more he will want to make you happy. If he is selfish then you will need to cut back as he does. Let his actions speak for yours but please DEAR GOD do not use the pussy as a weapon. If you try he will screw your best friends, your sister, maybe your mother and don’t leave him alone with the cat. There is only one offense worse than using sex as a weapon and that is cheating. Remember though, just like women we want support and affection. Don’t be like the stupid females and think he will pick up on the things you want. Men are intelligent but very simple. We do not have the social skills, verbal skills, intuition or need to please like women. We can be programmed if you tell us what you want by making a certain look at the same time. After about five times we will know that look and respond. The key answer though on when to give it up is, it is not a date or number, especially a pre-set number. It is when you feel confident the two of you are ready and if he doesn’t call again you will be okay with it. If you are squriming your bar stool cause your crotch is burning and the guy seems to be what you want go for it. Make sure one of you has protection, it may be the last time you see him. If you are truely after love and happiness, he will wait, trust me! If I could find the perfect woman for me, I could wait five years. Love is not sex but sex is part of love. It is a way to communicate intimately what we have trouble finding in words. Women can usually find some words but they have the need for intimate communication also. Don’t let being horny dictate. Yes men want sex and yes if is too easy they will worry more about how easy the next guy can get you into his bed. Not so much how many you have been with because both men and women lie about the number. Be a lady in company and a slut in bed and if he loves you it will last. Be a slut in company and a lady in bed and his interests may wander.
    Well, I am done and I wish all who read this the best of luck and hope you all find the right one. The world would be a better place.
    Take care,

    Chance

    1. 33.1
      newreader

      Brilliant!

      1. 33.1.1
        colleen

        This is so interesting👌👌👌

    2. 33.2
      miranda

      dearest chance, I am absolutely thrilled to read your post. it made my day! here it is, silly valentines day (which I never cared about anyway to be honest) and I am reading your words that make me feel so good. I am very attractive and men look at me and talk to me wherever I go . they help me and give me money and even confide in me sometimes. but I can’t even find someone I have anything in common with, let alone the rest of it. I’m smart and I love history and I’m a bellydancer, but never meet anyone with similar interests.

  14. 34
    Brian

    Why do some women believe sex is something of a commodity, to either grant or withhold from men? What if the tables were turned?

    Sex is used too much as a tool (I’ll give it if you’ll stay, I won’t if you don’t/won’t stay) – that’s just silly. Why is it so difficult for a man to find a woman to have sex with?

    1. 34.1
      annoyed

      It isn’t that we withhold it as a commodity or tool! Women wait for sex because we want to trust you first!!!   We value ourselves and protect ourselves from harm. Most women have been sexually assaulted at some point in their life. They are objectified. We allow a man into our body and it creates a spiritual and emotional bond. We might become very vulnerable especially in the beginning. We are receptive vessels.   If women started whipping out dildos on the third date acting like we should be entitled to put it in a guy’s ass, pressuring him, all the while never even saying “I like you” most men would likely feel nervous, like boundaries are possibly being violated and vulnerable would be my guess. You could just as easily blame men for holding sex over a woman’s head by acting like if she isn’t willing to jump in bed before he loves her she is being stingy or trying to control him. She is protecting herself from assholes.

  15. 35
    Lona

    @brian because men can be assholes

  16. 36
    Maria

    I think all men are assholes, the only variation is to what degree. However, when it comes to sex and matters of the heart I am blessed with two brothers who I have been fortunate to observe over the years. Evan and Chance (#35) are spot on. I have witnessed my older brother dump a smart, sweet attractive woman (long term relationship) faster than you can blink an eye for a slut. Within 3 weeks he proposed to the slut and had been dating the other woman for several years!!! LOL I believe a man knows when he knows, it’s all not planned out. (My brother is not smart enough to actually plan a maneuver like this!) It does not matter when you sleep with him. If sex doesn’t deepen his attachment to you, NOTHING else will. You just havnt met the right guy yet.

  17. 37
    shanu

    gr8 thoughts! i lost my virginity to a guy last yr just coz he told me he is a virgin too and he wants to just experience once. i loved him and gave him all i could for last one and half year . things turned bad and loveless,i could feel only lust from his side and a lot of pressure in bed, he dumped me and now confessed that he ws not a virgin …. i made a mistake , and just realised alot of stuff after reading all these blogs . i didnt wanted to lose it before marriage.

  18. 38
    Sayanta

    “I think all men are assholes, the only variation is to what degree.”

    Does that mean you’ve stopped dating them? I only ask because if I thought someone was an asshole, I wouldn’t want to waste any time in their presence.

  19. 39
    Maria

    No of course I havn’t stopped dating men, I am heterosexual. Allow me to rephrase, all men have an “assholish” side to them. Is that better? And if you ask men, they will say all women have a “bitchy side.” It is what it is. We are all only human and we have weaknesses.

    Shanu, #39 just a quick note to reply to your situation. When it comes to men, believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. You will be just fine. This experience will make you stronger and you have learned alot.

    1. 39.1
      Anna

      Maria, will you please run for president?

  20. 40
    Thiagoo

    Let me be clear. Whether it is animal or humans all the living organisms in this world are made for each other to live. its just we humans got thinking power than animals and made our self different species. Due to social, cultural and economical changes, Sex is looked in multiple angle. What ever the chemistry we all talk. it might not exist at the later stage in life. We humans have some animal nature inside our heart. This vary across men and women. When you start a relationship, men and women attract each other for sex, sharing of life etc.. but when time travels, we face so many social and work challenges. Of course, economic challenges. If men and women who thinks all about this and serious about having sex together by considering all these factors. There won’t any cheating. If they do lie to get sex or temporary satisfaction. They are going to break up. During the date, we spend lot of time is attracting each with our physique, style, color , structure etc.. but we always fail to discuss the day to day things in life. So many factors such as, food habit, cleanliness, type of life, style, social life style, etc.. are important to discuss during date.

    If both men and women agree, then you have sex and continue. At this point they both are going to clear, what they want in life before or after having sex. So be creative in dating. Don’t any ways blame men for cheating women or women for cheating men.

    These are basics of life before getting attracted. Thats why historically culture was formed and some religions are following it. Even though some Negatives are there. After all life is not about sexual desires. But, some people argue with western attitude of open approach to sex.

    I am not gonna say which one is right, which one is wrong. All i am trying to say is that, BE CLEAR and TALK EVERYTHING.

    Hope this helps

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *