When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man?

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The end of Wednesday’s blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech:

Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?

I discussed this back in March, but most of you weren’t reading then. So forgive me for recycling, but my views haven’t changed, and you definitely want to get in on this discussion…

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love–or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. This lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined not to be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals I do. I love women with loose morals.

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex.

The sex question is a popular one because it comes up in every dating situation. However, there’s no set timetable or finite number of dates that will let you know when it’s time to give it up. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. … That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number of dates, like the U.S. coming up with a pull out date for our soldiers in Iraq. Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

I repeat: Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, then have sex. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts? Men, I want to hear from you, as well…

Join our conversation (320 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 41
    qp

    freedom to love vs lack of freedom to love. it dont mean a thing with out a ring.

  2. 42
    Jay

    Last night I cancelled a date with a girl I had been seeing about 2 months and told her I didn’t think we were right for each other. Why? I realized that we didn’t have the right chemistry for one. I guess in the end that was the real reason. But lack of sex was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She wouldn’t even take off her top.

    Sex isn’t everything, but it is the most visceral, direct form of intimacy us guys know. Moreover, I have had too many experiences of girls who seemed to want me as little more than a friend for them, but who wouldn’t show me even the slightest commitment by going that extra step.

    Who knows? Maybe me and that girl would have been able to have some more chemistry together if she had opened up a little more to me?

    I’ve never had a girlfriend, so I would give my left arm to be in a committed relationship. But if a woman won’t have sex after months, that tells me that she doesn’t see me as a man. I refuse to be the guy who buys her dinner, takes her out, cooks and gives her everything I have only to be told “let’s just be friends” at the end of the road.

    Take heed ladies: withholding sex is a double-edged sword. You can’t test his commitment without having yours tested in the process.

    Consider that your refusal to have sex is also a sign of lack of commitment on your part, and if the guy picks up on that lack of commitment, it may drive him away from you if he’s serious, just as surely as it will drive him away if he’s not serious.

    So my suggestion is to wait, but don’t wait too long or you risk losing something good.

    1. 42.1
      miranda

      jay you sound like a WONDERFUL young man and I loved hearing what you have to say. do speak your opinion in these posts more often!

    2. 42.2
      judy

      Jay 44 – “Take heed ladies: withholding sex is a double-edged sword. You can’t test his commitment without having yours tested in the process. ”

      You are right and you are also wrong and then there are the shades in between.

      “She didn’t even take her top off” – I don’t know the woman but what I do know is, if she is not going to have sex, why should she start messing about letting you fondle her, to then say no?

      A woman may not necessarily be testing you if she refuses to have sex.   She might be trying to find out her own feelings.

      Here is my own scenario.   I’m a mature woman and can make my own decisions.   I recently met someone who intrigues me, who has a lovely body and seems a kind, decent person.   He told me he is single (i.e. never been married) and his kids live in another country (also very possible).

      The “let’s be friends” can either be a game, as in, I don’t wish to have sex with you, or in my case, being friends helps to find out if the guy wants me just for casual  sex (he won’t get it from me) to a relationship, which is what I want.     Maybe for HER two months is not a long time.   Had you waited, say another month, and explained to her clearly your reasoning, if she was polite and well brought up, she would have had the opportunity to tell you that 1) she was attracted to you but not ready 2) she wanted to just be friends 3) ???? .

      The trick is, to find out what the other person wants.

      Don’t give up – just try and find out with your next date what her speed is.   To help you further, I’m the woman who smoulders before she catches fire!  (:o) and when I want sex in a relationship, you would most certainly get it (and I do not consider this in any way to be negative).

      Good luck.

       

       

  3. 43
    David

    Had a second date with a women two nights ago that turned into a night of sex.  The next day, I called her and she told me she regrets what happen and how upset she is for allowing me and her to get into this situation without actually getting to know one another.  She told me she does not feel comfortable seeing me again.  Before it happened, everything was dandy!  What do you guys think is going on?

  4. 44
    Steve

    @David #45
    It is very difficult for most people to say “Hi, my name is blank, lets have a booty call”.
     
    If a man had said the things your liaison said to you most people would conclude that she was just out for a booty call, but didn’t know how to handle the maneuver successfully while being 100% upfront about it.
     

  5. 45
    Joe

    Uh, maybe she’s having second thoughts?  Did you slip her a mickey or something?

  6. 46
    David

    I know this is not a booty call.  I know that.  She and I talked again the next day after she has given some thoughts as to what she said the day before about not wanting to see me again.  She has agreed to meet for lunch and coffee this weekend strictly as friends.  She told me she felt like I invaded her boundary and I am way too fast for her taste.  I might be but damn I am a guy, we fall for this kinda shit.  I like this chic but what I am hearing from her is that I will now never respect her the way she wants to be respected.  I don’t want this to end but sure as hell sounds like it’s headed that way…

    1. 46.1
      miranda

      David this is an interesting situation isn’t . I guess from my point of view, if I had said that to a man, it would be because I liked him enough to go that far that soon, but it was something new for me (to have sex that soon) and afterwords I didn’t know how to handle because I was trying something in a new way and it was a bit of a shock to me, even though I liked him enough to go ahead with it, my logic caught up with me later. but i think if she really does like you, she’ll come around.

  7. 47
    David

    Joe,
    Nah! I did not slip her a mickey.  I am a decent guy, alright?

  8. 48
    Ava

    David #48
     
    If she didn’t want to have sex, and she’s so upset about it now, why didn’t she just say no in the first place?

  9. 49
    Kristyn

    David – why is she telling you how you feel?  She might guess/worry that you won’t respect her, but I’m not getting from your posts that you actually feel that way at all.  Hmmmm.

  10. 50
    David

    Ava #50
    She said I instigated it and she lost self control.  Obviously, I am to be blamed for it.  She only started to get upset the next morning and got worst as the day progressed.  She is better now but very distant.

  11. 51
    David

    Kristyn #51
    I have no idea why she thinks this way.  I only had two dates with her.  She has shared with me that her ex was very abusive towards her so my guess is that she is really seeking a guy who will respect her.  I told her that it will not be an issue but I don’t think she trust me yet to believe what I said.  She has hit the reset button on me and is distancing herself.  Does not want to see me tonite as planned.  Do you have any advise?  I am a guy so cannot speculate what’s really going on in her mind.

  12. 52
    Kristyn

    I’m a girl and cannot speculate what is in her mind. 

    If you are really interested, my advice would be to show her that you mean what you say – but how to do it if she is discounting both your words AND your actions, I don’t know.  And I don’t know that I’d be interested in putting in time making up for someone else’s behavior.

    Just my thoughts. 

  13. 53
    David

    Kristyn #54
    Thanks for the advise.  It’s hard to show interest when she is isolating herself.  We talked this morning.  She is now saying that we have a personality conflict and won’t be a good fit long term.  She says I am too fast for her pace and that she needs someone who is more laid back.  After two dates and a night of sex, I have been judged and given a title “Aggressive”.  We have agreed not to see each other again.  Kristyn, you are right.  I am not sure if I want to invest time to correct someone else’s behavior.  Lessons learned from this is not to have sex the first several dates until you have had the time to get to know each other.  It can hurt cause before and after that night, I was talking to two different person.

  14. 54
    Kenley

    David,
    Since you have only had two dates with her and you are already working way too hard to figure her out , I think you need to move on.   I have a feeling that if you keep trying to catch her, you are just setting yourself up for headaches and heartaches.  Walk away and find a woman who isn’t carrying so much baggage.

  15. 55
    Selena

    David,
    Perhaps she’s ambivalent about dating you, ambivalent about sex, or both.  Sounds like she let her hormones rule for the night and now instead of taking responsibility for it, is choosing to “blame” you.  If she’s distancing herself – let her.  This is your red flag that this chick has “issues”.

  16. 56
    Ava

    David #53
     
    Something about this situation smells fishy to me. Does it make sense to you that someone who is so upset about having casual sex has done exactly that? And that she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own choices? Perhaps she is “just not that into you”, or has unresolved issues about her past abusive relationship.  I’d back off.

  17. 57
    Selena

    @David #55

    What you described is something many women have gone through: guy seems really interested the first few dates, sex occurs and then the guy becomes distant, backs away.  The woman is left wondering “What happened?”  It’s confusing and it does hurt and feels like the guy was two different people. It becomes pretty obvious upon reflection that the guy really wasn’t interested in the woman as a potential girlfriend, just interested in having sex with her at that point in time.

    Reverse the genders and it sounds as though this is what happened in your situation, with the added little barb of being called *aggressive*.  And you’ve drawn the conclusion many women have: Don’t have sex until you’ve taken the time to get to know each other.

    Though I’m sure it stings right now, I think you really dodged a bigger bullet down the road by finding out how this woman operates before getting more emotionally invested.

  18. 58
    David

    Kenley #56, Thanks for the post.  I am moving on.  I don’t need the baggage at the moment.
    Ava #58, None of this makes any sense to me and I will never ever find out.  I don’t want to anymore.  It’s quite stressful. 
    Selena #57, I couldn’t agree more.
    Selena #59,  I hope that’s not the case.  I take responsibility for instigating the sex.  I also did not draw those conclusions.  She told me so.  Maybe I should have wored it different.  It’s not important anymore.  Water under the bridge.

  19. 59
    David

    Kenley, Ava, Selena,

    Cannot believe this.  I checked in with her with a simple “How are you?” email and to my surprise, I got an email back initiating communications with questions.  I wrote her back.  Been out of this dating game for a while since I was married so not sure what to expect to do.  Any comments?

    1. 59.1
      EmeraldDust

      David @ 61 said “I checked in with her with a simple “How are you?”�email and to my surprise, I got an email back initiating communications with questions.�



      OK, this comment is probably YEARS old, but just wanted to comment on the crazy tricks our mind plays on us in this crazy little mating dance.   You did NOT get an e-mail back INITIATING anything.   You INITIATED communication with your little “How are You” e-mail.   She responded to something YOU initiated.  
      Everyone here has advised you to move on.   Women experience very similar experiences ALL THE TIME, and the advice to them is EXACTLY THE SAME.   Sorry for how you are feeling, and good luck in your search.

  20. 60
    Selena

    Re: #61

    I really don’t know David, but often when people who “just aren’t into you” pop back up, it’s because they didn’t find anyone they really liked during the interim. Doesn’t mean they “came to their senses”, usually just means they are  bored and/or horny.

    I suppose giving her another chance would depend on how you feel about her shooting you down  after she got your hopes up.  Again.

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