When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?
In the latest "Water is wet; News at 11" report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that - get this - having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.
And before thou dost protest too much because you're the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?
Chill. You're the exception. Here's the rule:
"Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication."
"Sexclusivity": don't sleep with a guy until he's your boyfriend.
You mean fucking an attractive stranger you've known for 3 hours and hoping that you're compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?
"There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes," says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
This isn't just conservative Mormon B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality. He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He'll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:
Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compell us to stay in relationships that we know aren't built to last, the study suggests.
Finally, "women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships," says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.
The word I've coined for this is "sexclusivity". Don't sleep with a guy until he's your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it'll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment - as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.
Read the article here and please, share your thoughts below.
“sexclusivity” I like it. 🙂
Let me just say that I hardly know anybody who waited more than a few weeks or dates with their long term partner before sex. With the right guy it’s not all that important. The problem as I see it is that you don’t know who the right guy is that quickly. If you always sleep with someone on the second or third date and they end up being your bf, then great, no problem. Otherwise, I have found it more romantic to wait a little for sex, 4-6 weeks. If you’re serious about marriage you also can’t risk getting prematurely attached to the wrong guy.
At the same time I’m young, pretty and social and simply not willing to live like a nun for a bf that may or may not come along. So I’ve started a rule that in more formal situations like online dating then yes, no sex unless we’re bf/gf. In more fluid real life interactions, I am additionally forbidden from sleeping with people who upfront say it’s only casual, hence why I recently turned down a few tempting fwb opportunities. I want to be freed up to find the guy for me, honestly. If a chance to sleep with someone comes along that feels right to me I wil grab it, though, but I was never one of those girls who jumped into bed the same night anyway or thought sex was going to become something more….
The irony is that often enough you’re going to lose the guy that you’re waiting to have sex with… not because “he just wanted to sleep with you” … but because you’re arbitrarily denying a connection instead of trusting your instincts to know when the moment is right … Breaking news – guys aren’t all idiots. He will sense that you are forgoing sex for your arbitrary reason, and may move on to a girl that has a natural sex drive ‘and’ also cares. Don’t pretend that if a guy moves on it was because he didn’t have sex, rather he may move on because the relationship didn’t progress when it should have.
BS, the guys not worth it and are u a female?
Well said!
well Jenna As girls we are different, i had sex with my boyfriend for the first time when we reached six months of dating. It was worth waiting
um… i always was curious how this rule applies to long distance relationships?…
given that you don’t often see the man/woman, sometimes for months? if physically they met couple times, but being apart for 3 moths, let’s say – does this time(3 month) “counts” toward the proclaimed waiting time?
or, even better, if they can see each other quite rarely – in this case would be logical to use any moment of “real life” meeting definetely not for verbal communication only?…
I had a long distance relationship with a guy that lasted about a year and we never met. Around six months we started sexting. I think that if you both are committed to the relationship then do whatever you want man. I really enjoyed my experience.
??? that is not a relationship! you never met?????
I don’t want causal sex and to feel objectified, so waiting a month would hardly feel right or long enough for me. I don’t want my body used as a vessel or receptacle for someone to relieve their hormones or stress. YUCK!
I want to know the man before deciding if I want to know his manhood. How on earth does anyone know someone after a month?
I only want to share my body and my love to be made love to as an expression of that persons love for me and mine for them.
Reality is for most women casual sex is a fast way to get hormonally attached and addicted to the wrong man and a broken heat if what you want is to be in a loving committed relationship.
If that is what others want to do is up to them and to decide iif it right for them just not right for me or what I want.
Jenna #2
“Otherwise, I have found it more romantic to wait a little for sex, 4-6 weeks. If you’re serious about marriage you also can’t risk getting prematurely attached to the wrong guy.”
I understand why you have this little rule of yours. But it is giving you a false sense of security. You somehow feel that it will mean more or the guy will take you more seriously because he agreed to wait. But that is so not true. If a guy is going to pump and dump you, he will do it whether its the 3rd date or 10th date. Somehow you believe that by making him wait, you are controlling the situation when in reality, you dont.
I think maybe you get too close if you sleep with a guy too soon and if thats true then by all means wait 6 weeks. But if you think that making him wait is indiciative of his interest level, think again. If the guy has options, he will be getting his action elsewhere until you feel it is safe to get down and dirty. He may like you enough to wait, but dont be oblivious to the fact there is a good chance some other lady is filling the void you aren’t providing. And if you think “oh he isnt screwing around with other girls”, you may be right but you may be wrong as well. Of course if he doesnt have any other options then maybe you will be his one and only.
John.
“He may like you enough to wait, but dont be oblivious to the fact there is a good chance some other lady is filling the void you aren’t providing.”
Only time would tell on that one. And boy would I feel relieved and grateful that I didn’t share my body with him as I don’t want to be the woman who fills a void for any man. DEFO the type of man I don’t or wouldn’t want.
The other woman and him would be much more suited to each other if what he wanted was to have sex to fill a void and she was happy to accommodate that.
>> If a guy is going to pump and dump you, he will do it whether its the 3rd date or 10th date.
In theory I agree with this but the question is, if all he wants to do is “pump and dump her”, why would he stick around for the 10th date? If he is indeed getting it elsewhere as you suggest, why continue to wine and dine a girl he has no interest in beyond sex? He can get plenty of that, as you correctly pointed out, with his other options.
In any case, I don’t think waiting 4-6 weeks is about trying to control the situation. It’s only about negating the possibility of getting attached to someone who is incompatible.
I read the article and thought “be still my beating heart”. This is what I have believed and argued for so long.
Hi. Girl here who has been pumped and dumped after ten dates and after 90 days more than a handful of times. These guys invest a lot of money and time then they have sex with me a lot for a month or so then “realize” I’m not someone they could ever see themselves with long term or some other bs excuse and move on! So this whole waiting game does not work for me. I’d rather do it early on although never on a first date and find out his real intentions. I am considered by many to be very attractive. I have a body type that’s sexy no matter what I wear 34Dd naturally big butt hips etc. I have a Phd and a pretty powerful job. Men want to conquer me. I’ve read about this a lot. Sometimes when a female is very good looking men are blinded by their desire to sleep with her so much so that they are not focusing on whether she is compatible or if they really like her because that is all they focus on is the sex. Before you say oh you must be bad in bed these men stick around for a few months to enjoy the sex so that’s not true but once they’ve had their fill they start to look behind the sex and realize they don’t even like the girl. I don’t think a lot of men even do this on purpose. So if you are a really good looking girl I don’t Think his method of waiting will work. Oh and all of these guys say we are exclusive and they are serious. My current bf and I slept together on the second date and six months in going strong.
All true. I’m not curvaceous like you but with model type looks and body. I’m smart and skilled but I’m treated as an adversary by most men in and out of the workplace. They’ll chase after my cute or plain-faced, basic girlfriends, but will always have this air of plotting around me. I stopped letting all that bother me though. It’s important that a man I’m dating simply sees me as a lovable woman and not as one who has to be conquered. For me, this is a greater issue than the timing of sex.
Here here! Finally a real comment! Nice one, I feel this was the most realistic. I think it doesn’t matter if it’s the 3rd date or the 100th because it’s about how you make them feel about themselves and how much stress you don’t bring to their lives. Sometimes however you may find a few (ahem many) guys who are not looking for love or connection. I agree, get it all out in the open in the beginning. Ask questions, find out, maybe he doesn’t know yet but if he can say that, that’s at least honesty. If it’s just casual and you’re fine with it not going anywhere, great. If you want something more, voice it and require an honest response, trust your gut. Connecting is about comminication! Everyone wants someone who will be their best friend and biggest support as well as their lover. For me, I just don’t want to waste my time waiting around/getting attached for months only to find out he’s lost interest or was only telling me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. Bo ring. Get to the nitty gritty, have an honest conversation and decide about sex after that. If he splits, his loss, stay confident and caring and one will find you and never let go ❤
Thanks for sharing this Lisa!!
I don’t want a man who is choosing to screw around or who wants to screw around to fill a void because the options for him to do so are there.
I wouldn’t choose a man who wanted to do that.
Waiting to find a man who wants to stick around to wait for sex (i.e. he might actually like you as a person) mean you’ll be celibate for a LONG time. Sometimes its been 5 years between men for me. But then, if you try to give a guy a chance and have sex the early stages, you find he holds it against you and thinks you’re a slut. We gals just cannot win.
I totally agree!! I had a long distance relationship, meeting him online, and he came down for a week, of course after emailing and calling for 6 months, and I slept with him on the second night. Sure enough, the first fight we had, he was like, “Just go and sleep with some other guys right off the bat like you did me…” I was like, “WTF?” had I NOT slept with him, after him taking vacation and coming down, he would have b*tched about that!! You can’t win for losing. Ever. Men are studs and women are sluts. It will never change.
TOTALLY.
Rose @6
“Only time would tell on that one. And boy would I feel relieved and grateful that I didn’t share my body with him as I don’t want to be the woman who fills a void for any man”
But Rose you are missing my point. He wouldn’t tell you that he is getting his action elsewhere. You are thinking that because you are waiting and not sharing your body, he is doing the same thing. And that could be 100% wrong. So yes, only time will tell. Most guys (and I sure Evan too in his prime) will get action from another girl if she makes him wait too long. I know there are times when the guy wont mind waiting AND wont date others during that 6 weeks. But that is the exception to the rule.
Its all nice and romantic and so Lifetime Channel special to think the guy is waitng patiently for you. But the dating reality is that unless the guy thinks you are The One (which happens very rarely), he is getting off with someone else if you make him wait to long if he has options. But you keep thinking that is so untrue if it makes you feel better.
John, most guys who aren’t really interested in a woman won’t wait around for that long. Him sticking around sans sex is an indication that he’s interested in something more than just sex. Waiting isn’t a 100% foolproof method, but it does increase the odds.
Any man worth dating will respect this, and I have had an ex who also wanted to wait because he “felt (he and I) could be something and didn’t want to get all distracted by lust”. Yes, had a former boyfriend tell me that in the first few weeks of dating.
I agree with Evan’s “sexclusivity” idea (ps, love that term). I just tell guys four things:
(1) I won’t sleep with you unless you are only sleeping with me. I will not be Miss Friday if Miss Saturday is coming over tomorrow.
(2) If I sleep with you, it’s just another way to keep getting to know you, and I see myself getting more attached/having stronger feelings.
(3) I’m safe, and plan to keep it that way.
(4) I’ll let you know when I’m ready, but obviously I’m thinking about it.
Actually, I find that this works AFTER fooling around maybe the second time or something. Usually, when a guy invites me in or I invite him in, “I just go ‘Ok, as long as you’re a complete gentleman, if you know what I mean?” Once, you’ve sort of cooled down, you can just say “Hey, can I talk to you about sex?”
I’m not sassy or commanding when I say ‘I don’t want to be part of a rotation’; to be honest, guys usually laugh at that idea. But I don’t usually want a boyfriend who wants to still play the game.
By all means, if you want sex, let lust be your guide, but set your expectations appropriately as far as relationships go.
^ oh, and ps, I think telling someone you need them to be your “boyfriend” before you have sex is unnecessary. I think if you just tell them you don’t want share and you see your self developing deeper feelings and getting to know them, it’s implied that you are interested in a relationship but lacks the desperate sound of “you need to be my boyfriend”. (I think that sounds desperate, and that you want commitment from anyone… not that you are cool and that you still are evaluating him as relationship material). I guess it depends on the person, though.
@Rose & LC
Do you gals do ANYTHING sexual (e.g., make out, round the bases) while getting to know him? Or are you both completely hands off.
And Rose, if you don’t mind my asking, how old are you? I don’t need exact age, just the late-decades 🙂 i.e., early 30’s or late 40’s, etc. I don’t mean to intrude, but to me it’s relevant as I read some of your responses and questions.
@John & Joe
I think it’s interesting that two men might disagree on the waiting. But you’re not really disagreeing, just pointing out different aspects of the waiting.
What John’s saying…that while the guy may wait around for sex with you, he’s more than likely getting action elsewhere while he’s waiting. Especially if he’s a man with options.
And Joe’s saying, well, even if he’s getting action elsewhere, the fact that he’s willing to wait at all means he may be interested in more than sex, though not guaranteed.
NET:
Waiting isn’t harmful, but neither is it a guarantee that you actually “mean” something to him when sex finally happens. Just understand what he’s not getting from you when he’s waiting, he’s likely getting from someone else.
So, are you ok with
1) “sharing” the guy and fooling yourself that he’s just as chaste as you are?
2) Or do you accept that with eyes wide open?
3) Or do you try pre-empt his sleeping with other girls by sleeping with him as often as he wants to?
Kind of supports my sexual-revolution-did-not-free-women stance, huh?
I go with #3 myself and I’m eternally grateful that I can have sex without bonding. I don’t wait for sexclusivity for sex, but rather until I have deemed the guy worthy, which usually takes a handful of times of hanging out. There are no promises of sexclusivity from me before or after sex, since I don’t want to be stuck with a lousy lover. And there’s only one way to find that out.
Hopefully, I’m still dating or communicating with other people myself before a man asks me to be exclusive, so I’m not closing out my options too soon anyway. It’s never about controlling the man’s behavior, since I can’t do that. It’s about controlling my own behavior and feelings so I’m not solely at the mercy of someone else’s decisions.
I’ve dated men who didn’t mind waiting, and also weren’t sleeping with anyone else. But even if they were, so what? If a man is not interested in me as more than a sex-partner, he’s not going to stick around long-term anyway.
Karmic
“3) Or do you try pre-empt his sleeping with other girls by sleeping with him as often as he wants to?
Kind of supports my sexual-revolution-did-not-free-women stance, huh?
I go with #3 myself and I’m eternally grateful that I can have sex without bonding. . I don’t wait for sexclusivity for sex, but rather until I have deemed the guy worthy, which usually takes a handful of times of hanging out. There are no promises of sexclusivity from me before or after sex, since I don’t want to be stuck with a lousy lover. And there’s only one way to find that out.”
Are you sure the sexual revolution didn’t free you? If your stance isn’t supportive of the sexual revolution, i don’t know what is.
Hello, I just wanted to say thank you for commenting on this, because this is an issue I have been pondering in my mind, and you just gave me a new outlook/point of view on this. It’s interesting and I like it
Agreed and a very smart way to approach this.
Can we all agree that “pump and dump” is a disgusting term and we can convey they meaning without using such a trashy and disrespectful term.
Personally, I think a new rule should be to never sleep with a guy who says “pump and dump”
If he wasn’t making it clear that he was waiting too, ie not shagging around, I would ask. If he was evasive, I’d assume he was and wonder what I’m doing with someone evasive. If he lied, I’ve got a bigger problem than when to have sex. I’d be dating a liar. I don’t believe that all or even most men are out to deceive women or fool them. That’s not my experience. But the ones that too tend to leave behind a big wake.
I believe that a relationship ready man will make that clear. If he’s serious about you, he will make it clear. If he’s in it just for fun, I could tell; not because I’m a man whisperer but his actions and/or words would tell me. Some men can not be sure but genuinely open. They will tell you. I would extend them the same courtesy.
Yeh, I know it’s not romantic to discuss it, but I don’t think the alternative is particularly fantastic either.
Waiting is no guarantee but I don’t see how it can do any harm.
It might also depend on the type of person you are. I’ve never thought badly of women who like to have sex early, whereas apparently other men do. The partners who made me wait more than a couple of months to have sex never lasted, because in the end they weren’t that attracted to me.
I could*potentially* end up being one of Evan’s exceptions, because the girl I’m currently seeing slept with me on day one. We both knew we wanted something serious from it though, and called it a relationship right from the start. She’s even moved in with me a month to that day. I’m aware that I’m probably caught up the chemical high of being “in love” and that I’m only in my mid-twenties, which makes me naive. However, my partner and I have also been with enough people to realize that this thing is different to any that came before. Whatever happens, I’m just diving right in, and so far it’s amazing.
awesome!
Always great when you made a connection, discussed what you eat out of the situation ahead of time. To me the timing of sex is secondary.
@Ruby 14
I’ve frequently and freely acknowledged that I love sexual liberation for myself…particularly as I can have sex without commitment. But I know that isn’t the case with most women.
@Julia
“Pump and dump” and “Hit and run” are well known terms, like blowjob. If you decide to not date men that use that term, you’re gonna have to start dating women.
If a guy asked me if I were sleeping with other people, I probably wouldn’t answer – Not because I am sleeping with other people (I’m mormon and we do believe in waiting) but because I’m not really sure it is his business.
Karmic #18
“I’ve frequently and freely acknowledged that I love sexual liberation for myself…particularly as I can have sex without commitment. But I know that isn’t the case with most women.”
But prior to the advent of greater sexual freedom, you would have been judged harshly for it, and wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge as it freely or openly, (if at all) as you can today.
I never heard the phrase “pump and dump” until I started reading this blog! No, I don’t think my male friends use that term. Blow job, yes.