When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11” report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

You mean fucking an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

This isn’t just conservative Mormon B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality. He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compell us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Read the article here and please, share your thoughts below.

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  1. 21

    ‘pump and dump’ is a very common term in the ‘mansophere’ but I’ve never heard it used in real life. It is nowhere near as common as blow job.
    By the way ladies, today is Steak and Blowjob day… Enjoy! ( unless you are making him wait :-))

  2. 22


    Rose @6
    “Only time would tell on that one. And boy would I feel relieved and grateful that I didn’t share my body with him as I don’t want to be the woman who fills a void for any man
    “But Rose you are missing my point. He wouldn’t tell you that he is getting his action elsewhere. You are thinking that because you are waiting and not sharing your body, he is doing the same thing. And that could be 100% wrong. So yes, only time will tell.  Most guys (and I sure Evan too in his prime) will get action from another girl if she makes him wait too long. I know there are times when the guy wont mind waiting AND wont date others during that 6 weeks. But that is the exception to the rule.
    Its all nice and romantic and so Lifetime Channel special to think the guy is waitng patiently for you. But the  dating reality is that unless the guy thinks you are The One (which happens very rarely), he is getting off with someone else if you make him wait to long if he has options. But you keep thinking that is so untrue if it makes you feel better.”
    I wouldn’t be thinking that at all.  I would be taking my time getting to know someone.
      I have no interest in promiscuous men.
      I feel repelled by men who go to strip clubs lap dancing clubs etc. Or want casual sex. If others want that and enjoy it that is up to them. I do not compartmentalize sex and love.   I’m not making any man do anything. Do what they like.
    Not all men are promiscuous John, grant you a lot are and I wish them well if that is what they want. Sure they will have no problem finding it just not with me. My heart and body are more valuable to me to give away to any old Tom Dick or Harry who has not proved they will cherish and take care of them.

    1. 22.1

      All I can say is good luck to you in finding that man Rose good luck.

    2. 22.2

      Beautiful, thoughtful comments, Rose.

      The guy who ends up marrying you or being with you long term is a lucky guy.

  3. 23

    I wanted to read the actual study but too cheap to shell out $37 to download it.   I did find this comment regarding the study:
    Participants were then lumped into one of four groups based upon timing of first sex: Predating Sex (hooking-up before becoming a couple; 9.9%), Early Sex (sex on the first date or two; 35.5%), Delayed Sex (sex after a few weeks; 47.9%), and No Sex (couples who were still abstaining; 6.6%). Results revealed that people who waited longer to have sex scored the highest on all measures of relationship quality. Based upon these findings, the authors concluded that dating couples who have sex therefore have “poorer” outcomes than couples who abstain and that timing of sex represents an important “turning point” in the relationship.
    But is this really the case?  
    What every single media failed to report was that the average levels of satisfaction, communication, and commitment were high for both men and women no matter when they started having sex. For instance, looking at relationship satisfaction, which was rated on a scale ranging from 0 to 12 in this study, the midpoint for this scale was 6, which means that anything above that represents satisfaction and anything below that represents dissatisfaction. For women, those who had sex in the first month had a satisfaction score of 7.9, while those who waited six or more months had a score of 8.5. For men, the numbers were 8.2 and 8.5, respectively. Thus, average levels of satisfaction were high for all groups.  
    I have a very strong preference for women who are very sexually uninhibited.   I don’t have a double-standard and have never considered a woman a poor match for me because we had sex on a first, second, or third date.   Some readers might be wondering, “but doesn’t it bother you that if she sleeps with you on a first date that she is sleeping with other men on a first date?”   The thought never crosses my mind just as I would assume she isn’t wondering how many women I’ve slept with on a first date.
    Whether I have sex with a woman on a first date or a fifth date isn’t that important to me.   As long as we are having a great time together I will continue to see her BUT if I feel as though she is a prude/sexually inhibited the relationship quickly becomes a platonic friendship.   As EMK has mentioned, no “sex” doesn’t mean no fooling around.

    1. 23.1
      Nuri Eliza

      I wondered about this study. All my serious relationships started out with sex early since I consider sexual compatible right up there with having similar values and goals. It has never been an issue. I’ve never gotten attached to anyone I’ve slept with out of lust.   I value sexually open men who don’t slot shame women after they themselves also slept with me/someone on the 2nd other 3rd date. It weeds out the idiots fairly quickly.

  4. 24

    @Karmic I date plenty of men (though currently have a boyfriend) and have even more male friends. They tend to be of the more educated, urban east coast variety though, I’ve never heard them say anything of that nature. The kind of male I seek to spend time with just doesn’t think that little of women.
    So I’m pretty sure I can continue to be straight and avoid douches but thanks for the advice to turn to women.
    And for the record you can sleep with men relatively early on and have them respect you, sex doesn’t need to be a game where a man always wins and a woman always loses. Its better to wait a bit to have sex if you want to develop actual feelings for each other though.

    1. 24.1

      I like your response. Sadly in the dating world it does seem as if there has to be a winner and a loser—-just like in nature, there is the hunter and there is prey.   If the prey gets away,   the hunter feels like a loser.   In most cases the man is the hunter wanting sex immediately and if he doesn’t get it well….you know.

      The most important thing is mutual respect and understanding and being honest from the beginning.   If BOTH parties abide by this code of conduct then perhaps a true relationship can be forged whether it’s a longterm romance or a great friendship.

      1. 24.1.1

        Love your response, it helped to restore my faith in mankind.

    2. 24.2

      Does your boyfriend know you spend time with other men on the side? Open relationship? ?

  5. 25

    I feel deeply sad hearing about others trying to fill a void by having casual sex.The void will not ever be filled that way, just a temporary addictive fix. Lost souls wondering around.

    1. 25.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I feel deeply sad for judgmental people who think that casual sex is the mark of a “lost soul”.

      Get a grip and stop imposing your biblical morality on others who see sex a source of pleasure, not a source of shame.

      1. 25.1.1

        I concur.
        Go preach where it belongs, in church.

        1. Dina Strange

          Disagree with both of you. She wasn’t preaching, but simply stating an obvious thing. We have obese people who fill their emotional voids with food, and we have sex addicts who feel their emotional voids with casual sex….both cases are displays of gluttony, and not good.

      2. 25.1.2
        miss mary

        LOL! Rose can feel sad, I’ve enjoyed my one night stands immensely – that one gorgeous 23yr old musician guy in Berlin, what a night! Sex addiction is real and awful, but not everyone who has casual sex is a sex addict. Some people just love pleasure – amirite ladies?!

        Also addiction is not gluttony, or a moral choice. It is a serious illness that can be treated and should be approached with compassion, not judgement.

  6. 26

    I am just not progressive enough to date.   I’d better get some more cats.

  7. 27

    Well, Evan, I respect your viewpoint on your blog the overwhelming majority of the time, but casual sex just isn’t a healthy thing for certain people.   And some do try to fill an emotional void with it; they don’t succeed at that due to deeper emotional needs being unmet, and the sexual intensity just clouds what they really feel — or what they think their partner feels. I doubt Rose is speaking out of some sense of biblical morality, just what she may see in terms of others’ successful or unsuccessful sexual behavior.   Could you work with a woman like Rose who “suffers” from “biblical morality?” What would you offer to coach her to a successful relationship?   “Get a grip” implies she’s narrow-minded or even ignorant.

    1. 27.1
      miss mary

      Casual sex is not sex addiction. It’s offensive and hurtful to say that people who enjoy casual sex are lost souls. And a sex addict isn’t a lost soul wandering around – a sex addict is a real person, with a serious problem that is being expressed in unhealthy sexual behaviour.

      So, Rose is ignorant – but that’s ok. Whether she re-considers her position or not will determine if she is also narrow minded.

    2. 27.2
      Julia Mcloughlin

      I agree with this, I actually liked Roses response. She is right. People do try to fill emotional voids with casual sex and it’s sad, this coming from a woman who has had one night stands…more than one… And they were awful, hideous experiences that just made me feel like a prostitute and an awful person. Never again!

      I only had one night stands when divorcing my husband, a lot of people imo have one night stands when they feel sad and / or low.

  8. 28
    Karl S

    Rose, you can’t just divide people into those who hold out for love and those who sleep around. I myself have always wanted to find love (I think everybody does), but I was also open to enjoying myself with people on a number of different levels if love wasn’t there to be found. It all depends on who you meet and how you click. I’ve had monogamous relationships, friends-with-benefits, one night stands and was even happy to give polyamory a go (I’m really not jealous or possessive). All these things can be fulfilling for the people involved so long as you’re honest, and that you let people know where they stand at any given moment before taking action.

    Admittedly, a lot guys aren’t honest. I guess all you can do there is take a risk and allow yourself to be hurt if it goes bad. That’s life.

    1. 28.1

      Well said. I would ad that if you’re going to risk getting hurt, just be as sure as possible that the sex is good.

  9. 29

    For women, it’s simple.   Jumping into bed before there’s ‘sexusivity shows a man that he doesn’t need to make an effort with you for anything else now that he’s got the ‘prize.’   Why set yourself up for failure?

  10. 30
    Sparkling Emerald

    John 5

    I understand why you have this little rule of yours. But it is giving you a false sense of security. You somehow feel that it will mean more or the guy will take you more seriously because he agreed to wait. But that is so not true. If a guy is going to pump and dump you, he will do it whether its the 3rd date or 10th date. Somehow you believe that by making him wait, you are controlling the situation when in reality, you dont.
    I think maybe you get too close if you sleep with a guy too soon and if thats true then by all means wait 6 weeks. But if you think that making him wait is indiciative of his interest level, think again. If the guy has options, he will be getting his action elsewhere until you feel it is safe to get down and dirty. He may like you enough to wait, but dont be oblivious to the fact there is a good chance some other lady is filling the void you aren’t providing. And if you think “oh he isnt screwing around with other girls”, you may be right but you may be wrong as well. Of course if he doesnt have any other options then maybe you will be his one and only.
    NOTHING in life is guaranteed, so let’s get that out of the way shall we?   All we can do in the game of life is tilt the odds in our favor.   Most of the “hump & dumpers” aren’t going to wait around for 10 dates.   Even if they do, there’s usually some little tell that they are a player.   Waiting a while lessens the chance that a woman will be blinded by that oxytocin buzz, and bond herself to a jackass.
    You can have sex on a first date and hope it turns into a relationship.   Good luck with that, yes it happens, but those aren’t odds I want to play.
    You can wait a little longer, but without some talk of exclusivity,   Perhaps better odds, but those are sill not odds I want to play.
    You wait until there has been a declaration of exclusivity. Or an “I love you”   No guarantee, but I’ll take that chance.
    You can wait until you are engaged.   Better odds, but I doubt I could hold off that long.
    You can wait until marriage.   Still no guarantee.   Adultery is a fact of life.   I really won’t even fathom a guess at how waiting until marriage affects the odds, since I coluldn’t hold out for a ring.   I’m a heathen, I’m not even sure if I WANT to marry again, but I’m pretty sure I want to be in a relationship again AND — If I loved someone enough to want to marry them I wouldn’t be able to wait that long, and I certainly wouldn’t marry someone in a few weeks or a few months just to have marital sex vs having pre-marital sex.
    Too go down that road of “Oh well no amount of waiting guarantees anything” is silly.   There is NOTHING wrong with exercising a little self control in the beginning.   It will weed out a lot of players, maybe not ALL of the players, but a good chunk of them.   Or the WOMAN might discover that she’s not so compatible with the guy after all, regardless of his intentions, and she saved herself from getting in a relationship with someone she’s not compatible with.
    I think mostly the sexual revolution has screwed things up relationship wise (no pun intended) but one thing I do like about it, casual sex has become so mainstream that men have no qualms about stating up front that NSA sex is all they want.   There is no need to lie about it.   And there are plenty of women who will accomodate them either because
    1.   They only want NSA sex themselves or
    2.   They wonder “Gee I wonder what he means when he says he’s not ready for a relationship”? They think they can get a guy to bond to them by having sex with him, even tho he clearly stated that he only wanted to keep things casual.  
    I would much rather get dumped because I didn’t hump, then to get dumped & humped.   I would rather have been lied to about the commitment level, and have sex, then get dumped, then to willingly hop in the sack with an upfront player.   Of course my NUMBER ONE CHOICE is to be in a real relationship.   No guarantees of course, but it’s not so far outside the realm of possibility that I’m foolish to want it, or to hold out until I think I have it.

  11. 31

    I understand why you would think and draw the conclusion that my feelings of sadness were to do with my biblical morality. Here is the flaw in those thoughts and conclusions though. They are your projections that have nothing whatsoever to do with me. As my feelings have nothing to do with any biblical morality.
    I believe the bible and it’s biblical morality as like any other religious book of stories is man made invented by man in order to control the masses.I am not religious and have not been brought up with a religious background my family are atheists and follow no religion .MY individual morals do not come from any made up stories written by man. They come from a connection deep within myself my soul.  If you do not believe we have souls and do not feel sad about people describing themselves as empty wanting casual sex to try and fill that void up   with casual sex trying to fill that void up from a another person rather than being whole themselves first and attracting another whole person rather than someone else who also feels empty trying to do the same, than that is you belief. We just have different beliefs.
    So it is a logically flawed argument to state “Get a grip and stop imposing your biblical morality on others who see sex a source of pleasure, not a source of shame.”
    As I have no biblical morality and do not seek to impose anything and have clearly stated previously if others want to do that, it is up to them to make them to do what feels right for them, if that is what they want to do and it feels right do it. Doesn’t fee; good or right for me though.
    In order for the following statement to be true for me to be imposing my biblical morality on others. Fist my morals would have to come from the bible, which they don’t and second I would have to have said don’t have casual sex which I haven’t. I have said it isn’t right for me and if others want to do that, do what they like.
    I love sex as an expression of mutual shared lovemaking and it is one the most joyous experiences to have.If others love causal sex and it feels right for them that’s up to them.
    Anyone can get physically pleasurable casual sex. If people are happy with that why are they here Evan? Is having casual physically pleasurable sex getting people what they really want? Or is what they really want more than that, a deeply connected intimate soul based shared physical and emotional loving experience, where to people have sex as an expression of their shared love for each other?
    I know which one I want.  What others want is for them alone to decide.

    1. 31.1

      Bravo Rose. I couldn’t have said it better myself.   Thank you.

  12. 32

    I only know from my own experience.
    When I’ve waited it’s always been worth it.
    One time I waited 6 months, of course that’s too long.
    We lived far away from each other.

  13. 33

    Evan’s right there’s plenty of fully consenting adults that have no problem having sex before the word “girlfriend” is ever mentioned or discussed. The same with goofball Patti Stanger’s “no sex before monogamy”  battle cry  for “people who want to get married”. Casual sex has and always will be around and most people have sex before talk of any kind of commitment happens. That doesn’t mean they don’t have “morals and values” they just might not have the same ones as you and more often than not men will think a lot differently on the subject than you ladies I can assure you.

    1. 33.1
      Karen K

      Yea, I totally agree.   All Patti Stanger did was make the guy lie from the beginning – knowing that the girl wants to hear that, and then she will have sex with you.   Another thing is the men say that they want to wait, using reverse psychology, and we fall for that too.   We just don’t know when they are lying or really serious, so we take our chances.   But if a girl is waiting because she is using it against the man, then that straight up sucks.   Your Vgna is not a carrot to be dangled on a stick.   If you don’t want to rip his clothes off after the 3rd date, then you need to move on and find someone that you are attracted to.   If by the 3rd date, you don’t want to, or are holding out, then you are in it for his money.

  14. 34
    Karmic Equation

    Now that I’ve thought about it, “Pump and dump” is often written in blogs, not said out loud. “Hit and run” I’ve heard men say out loud. I can understand why many are not familiar with the former if they don’t read too many blogs written by men.

    @Ruby 20
    I agree with you. I *personally* take advantage of the sexual revolution. Because I don’t need commitment to have sex.

    As long as women tie sex to commitment then the sexual revolution didn’t free them as they think.


    I know most people judge “sex without commitment” to mean sleeping around. WRONG. 4 lovers in 18 years does not equal sleeping around. I would bet money that the same women who judged me for having “slept around” have actually slept around “with commitment” with more men than I have without commitment.

    So having sex without commitment does not mean one is promiscuous. It means, and I’m being deliberately inflammatory here to prove a point…that I don’t “extort” sexclusivity from a man before having sex with him. I don’t ask him for anything other than to enjoy my company and me to enjoy his. He believes, truthfully, that I’m with him solely because I find him attractive and not because I expect him to “give me” anything in return other than his company.

    And a funny thing happens, those men that I have “sex without commitment” with commit to me anyway, happily, wholeheartedly. One married me, two would have married me had I said yes. One moved out of town, so not much I could do about that. And to be clear, I’m plain vanilla in bed, nothing freaky.

    Frankly, men can get sex anywhere, so why not with YOU? But a man can’t get a relationship WITH YOU with anyone else. I make having a relationship with me better than anything a man has ever experienced before me and will measure future relationships against…I don’t judge men. I accept them. That acceptance of who they are goes a lot farther in getting a man to develop “feelings” for you than putting sex on hold ever will.

  15. 35

    Evan @ 26
    Why is it judgmental to hold a different belief system (religious-based or secular-based)  where casual sex is seen as an unhealthy behavior?   Particularly when the belief is expressed in a respectful manner.   I saw nothing shaming in Rose’s post @ 25.   Just sadness.
    And isn’t calling someone judgmental for  expressing a viewpoint different than yours…being…well…judgmental?   And it seemed like you were attempting to shame Rose for her belief system, which is not in sync with yours.

    1. 35.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Cat5 – For Rose to be “sad” about other people having casual sex implies judgment. Why would you be sad for someone who is happy? I had plenty of casual sex, by my own volition, until I got married. Should Rose feel “sad” for me? Absolutely not. And it’s patronizing to suggest that because SHE doesn’t want casual sex that the rest of us who participate in various forms of sexual relationships outside of commitment should be pitied.

      To your final point: intolerance of intolerance is not intolerant. Rose was judging casual sex. I was judging her for being judgmental.

  16. 36

    What I actually wrote Evan was, “I feel deeply sad hearing about others trying to fill a void by having casual sex.” I felt sad to hear of their emptiness trying to fill that void.
    Not that I felt pity for everyone who had casual sex. That was your interpretation.
    I feel a sadness in my heart for people trying to the fill that emptiness that way. Just as I feel a sadness in my heart for drug addicts or alcoholics who do this. I am sure drug addicts and alcoholics also feel happy in the moment while drinking or on the drug.
    That makes me feel deeply sad, my heart actually hurts thinking about people feeling empty like that having a void.
    I feel what I feel, it is what it is.

  17. 37
    Evan Marc Katz

    Rose, who said that people were “empty” or “trying to fill a void”? YOU did.

    Not the people who were having casual sex.

    So you came to the conclusion that anyone who is having casual sex must feel empty. And you feel sad for their emptiness. Which you created for them. Got it.

    1. 37.1
      Julia Mcloughlin

      John said it earlier on in the blog. The conversation started up between John and Rose initially.

      From my own personal experiences of one night stands…. Ihave had more than one….. I have found them to be horrible, awful experiences. They have left me feeling angry, confused, used, upset, shamed and like a bad person. That’s just how they affected Me. Everyone is different. I am allowed to say how casual sex affected me. For that reason, I agree with Rose, that having a deep connection with someone is important and now for me never again will l have another one night stand. It’s just not worth it for me. Left me my soul sad, so I get Rose.

    2. 37.2
      Nuri Eliza

      I’ve had sex in committed relationships that left me feeling empty and sad and casual sex were I felt fabulous, sexy, strong,cooking care of MY needs. Kudos to you Evan for calling BS by what it is.

  18. 38

    Rose, who said that people were “empty” or “trying to fill a void”? YOU did.
    John did Evan. The conversation   on casual sex and filling a void started between him and myself.

  19. 39

    I agree!! It’s just like any other self-indulgence… We have to be ready to accept the consequences. If we constantly give in to our urges for sweet treats, desserts, and fattening appetizers, we can’t be too surprised when we put on some extra pounds. Likewise, if we give in to our sexual urges too soon, we have to accept that while we may have had a great time, we probably shouldn’t expect it to become anything long-term or meaningful. We’re human. We want it all. And ideally we’ll find that partner who will be that everything to us. But odds are we’re going to have to a little patience and restraint and put forth a bit more effort to find them.   That being said, if you’re going to indulge, enjoy every minute and have no regrets!!

  20. 40

    I don’t know a single good man who wouldn’t wait to have sex for the right woman. I’ve know plenty of players that wouldn’t go through the trouble just to get laid. Simply as that.

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